Cleaning and sorting through a deceased parents' belongings

Ask yourself if you are honestly ever going to look at this stuff or use any of it.

If not, throw it out or donate it.

I started going through it in December, it’s a nightmare.

I have to say, consider how much storage you have. And take your time, unless the house needs to be cleared urgently.

I’ve spent the past two months just taking out millions of bags of rubbish and recycling, clearing the kitchen (kitchens take ages to clear but mostly aren’t emotive). I also bagged up 20 bin bags of clothes. All that allowed me time to consider my feelings and wait to make decisions about more personal stuff.

It's a tough process, OP. It took me a few rounds over several years to pare my mother's belongings down to the few things that I really appreciate, because I was just so sentimental about all of it at first.

If there are items that you are conflicted about discarding, consider taking a picture of the item, rather than saving the item itself.

This often works with sentimental items where it's the memory, not the actual item that has value.

I feel like I'm in the same boat, R3. Finding it difficult to toss anything because of sentimental value.

Taking pictures is an excellent idea. I've done that with some of my own stuff that I had trouble parting with. We should all consider what our survivors will have to deal with when we die and get rid of shit NOW.

Can you ask relatives to take a look and see if there are things they'd like to have?

I like the picture idea. Some of these relatives live far away but I guess taking a photo and asking them if they want anything saved is not a bad idea.

[quote]We should all consider what our survivors will have to deal with when we die and get rid of shit NOW.

This is excellent advice. Get rid of most of your own shit before you get old... so your surviving relatives won’t have to deal with what you’re going through now. It’s the best gift you could leave them.

R5 it gets easier with time. Best wishes to you.

[quote]I like the picture idea. Some of these relatives live far away but I guess taking a photo and asking them if they want anything saved is not a bad idea.

While I commend your diligence, my picture suggestion was to try to make it both labor and emotionally easier for you to sort through your parent's belongings, not make MORE work for you.

You don't have to be like ebay and take pictures for all your relatives to decide whether they'd like you to send it to them.

The pictures are for you as keepsakes, so you don't have to struggle with whether to keep the item or not.

any relatives or friends or neighbours might be interested in anything? I would say get trash cans and fill them a bit each week. don't try to make use of anything. just slowly throw it all away. you might find something even now and then to keep. It will slowly whittle down.

I guess I have to think that if these relatives haven't been missing these things for 30 years or more, it's probably of not much interest or a loss to them.

My hoarder father died in January. My Mother kept the house under control so his den is the only part of the interior that is an issue. Except for the attic. The 3-car garage has never had a car in it. There is a 2foot wide pathway along one side ----other than that it is impassable and is not only the floor of the garage but the rafters as well. Both side yards are an accumulation of file cabinets, old wood, pipes and other junk. Every drawer and plastic bin is stuffed with something This does not include the sheds he built to house more junk. It took a small dumpster to clean out his truck.

800-Junk gave me an estimate of 16,000.00 to clear everything out.

OP----best of luck!

Pick it up; if does not spark joy, discard it!

As R10 mentioned, time helps.

Briefly flip through all the books. People store photos and money in big books.

The family Bible may have birth/marriage/death info written on the pages intended for this. I ripped those pages out of our family Bible, and brought the Bible to a Church for disposal.

Save all the old photos! They’re irreplaceable!

If you have the storage room, move everything you feel you might want. Then go through it all in 5 years when you feel less sentimental.

My Mom was affected by the Nazi book burnings, so she never threw a book away. Her books eventually went to the library or goodwill. Don’t forget to get a receipt for anything you donate as it’s a tax deduction.

It's a very hard thing to do, OP.

I took a week off of work to clean out my hoarder dad's place. Started at 9am every morning and finished by 9pm. I went through everything methodically. There was big dumpster in the parking lot for his building, I'd make a few trip down there every day. I just decided to get it done.

Stuff that meant something to me I kept. I sent pics to my siblings to see if anyone wanted anything else.

And of course I found his pron collection. A dresser full of it. Eesh. The man loved lesbians I guess

Only keep those items that spark joy.

Older friend died this past summer. A single woman living on her own, who was once the theater critic for our local newspaper (which was bought out by USA today and they fired the entire fine arts team). No relatives, so a bunch went through and threw out, donated everything.

Bottom line: many of us have now completely downsized our "shit". We don't want to be THAT person when we die. I've tried to talk my dad into doing the same but he laughs and says, "You'll do it when I'm gone, so why should I waste my time?"

Lighter fluid and a match

I did this for an elder friend who was something of a hoarder and was sent to a nursing home and the lawyers had to sell the condo. The trouble was that he used to be a millionaire, so mixed in the crap were things that had some value. I came to the realization that removal men get paid from both ends, they get paid to empty a space, and they get to pick whatever they want from what's there, which in some cases is quite nice. Luckily I knew my friend's collecting habits and was able to save papers, books and art from being thrown away or taken by the trash guys.

I found a postcard from Robert Motherwell at the bottom of a paper bin.

OP,

I went through this as well. I really can not give you advice on how to go through things, but my Grandfather taught me if you do not use or look at something every 80 days throw it out.

My sister and I had to make 4 trips to FL a few years ago to get rid of my mother’s stuff. My aunt who lived down the block said she’d help, but she never did. My mother’s house was very neat and clean but EVERY CLOSET was stacked floor to ceiling with photos, papers, tax returns, even her tax bill from when she lived in NY in 1970. She had nice furniture, but we had our own furniture & weren’t about to truck hers to NY. The new owners didn’t want the furniture. Took us months to get someone to agree to take it. Her oven had about 100 lbs worth of pots & pans in it; then there were her kitchen cabinets filled with — more pots and pans.

Then there was the garage......

This is so sad. I can't imagine having to go through this.

BTW, was your father hot?

Another wonderful thing my mother did ONE month before she passed away, with no expection that she would, was to downsize her assisted living apartment and get rid of most of her furniture. She went into hospice one month later. It was one final blessing, among many, that she gave her sons. I hope to be that strong at the end.

The only thing my mother left behind was me.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone!

I can relate with some of R14. My dad had copies of bills and letters going back to the eighties. He also has a whole box of Life Magazines from the sixties, all in good condition. Stuff like that.

They are just things. They are not your Dad. Let them go. Don't burden yourself further. If there are one or two things that particularly remind your nicely of him, take them, but walk away from everything else.

Seriously Craigslist is a God send that we didn't have years ago. Post photos with reasonable prices and you'll have buyers.

I was just thinking about this because the actress Rose Marie passed a while ago and her family has a little online site selling all of her knickknacks. Fans get a little authentication note and get a kick out of having memorabilia. I follow her old Twitter account.

What r29 said.

In some cities you can schedule the Salvation Army online to make a pickup. I found that the easiest for furniture that's not worth the hassle of selling and books and clothing.

I used a company that does estate sales. They organize and sell everything. Got a nice check, and I already took the things I wanted.

I've done this with two relatives. One thing I've learned is that many things you might think have value probably don't. People don't buy or use the same kinds of things that were popular 50 or more years ago. Unless something is a true antique with historical significance or something rare and collectible, ditch it. Keep stuff like photos (and consider scanning them) or mementos that have sentimental value. But otherwise, have a charity come in a do an estate sale where they give you a percentage of the proceeds.

Same thing with my family house when mom moved to assisted living. Had a weekend of estate sales and made several thousand dollars. I advertised on a couple sites before the sales and also put signs up. The following weekend was the neighborhood garage sale which was sheer luck. The rest I donated and what was left I called a junk removal service that charged me $500. It was very tiring but it's still over. I live very minimally now. I do not ever want to do that to anyone.

I'll take the sketches and artwork, love vintage stuff. Send to Justin at 56 Joyce ave prairie du chien wi 53821.

It can be rough, OP. Sorry. But it's a rite of passage, losing parents, settling estates. Probably it's a house you knew, things you've known all your life. Just liquidate everything, Keep a few things you like, objects, memories, all family records, 8 mm film, tapes. I had to close up a house, I donated all clothing and household goods to local charities. I kept some good silver, some china, a car, a large selection of dad's tools and they're the only ones I use now; kept some of mother's kitchen ware, a full service of Fiestaware, my favorite holiday items, a few mirrors, some paintings. I sold all I could, loaded up a car and drove north. Didn't look back. My thinking was if I want it later, at least I knew where it was, up in my attic. Much of it I later sold in a yard sale I had to thin down my own stuff. One thing I have that gives me pleasure occasionally … each had their own sets of luggage. I filled a large piece each with personal items of each, things I'd given them, and their favorite or best-looking outfits, jewelry.

Definitely remind your siblings that they have trophies and whatever there and if they want it to come and get it or it’s getting Dumpsterized. Set a time limit.

Two years ago after my Mom died, I paid a company to remove EVERYTHING from the 5 bedroom house. They took 2 days-it would have taken me weeks if not months. It cost me $4,000 (Canadian) and was worth every cent.

Hey Kondō, you cunt, everything spark joy.

OP I’m going through the same thing right now.

My dad died in December, the difference is we also have to sell the house. My parents never downsized like they planned to - he died rather unexpectedly.

He was very much into cooking, but my mom isnt. So we got rid of a lot of stuff in the kitchen she won’t use when she moves. Most was donated - but a couple expensive things we sold online. He also had a train collection. I posted a few of those things online because they are collectible and have some value. The rest we donated. Clothes donated save a hoodie I kept just because I wanted to keep something of his. I’ve actually been wearing it to bed since he passed.

Furniture - donated. His truck and car we gave to friends of his (they were worth all that much and his friends paid the transfer tax on it)

We rented a storage unit today and everything my mom plans to keep is being stored in that unit while we get the house ready to list - right now it’s in the decluttering and construction stage.. it’s overwhelming.

One good thing is my mom is also getting rid of a lot of things she no longer is attached to. She said she wants to do it now so there will be less work for us when she passes.

We are keeping all his old pictures (just removing some from frames we don’t like) and all of his old army stuff.

He also has a coin and stamp collection. I guess we will take it somewhere to get it appraised. I doubt my mom will keep it, she will probably sell it because she doesn’t have use for it.

We sold an old valuable antique pinball machine he had.. just a lot of stuff.. he has tools I have to go through. I’m female and don’t know much about tools but I’m keeping his drill that I know I can use if I need to, and the basics - hammer etc. he has some fancier tools that I have no idea what to do with.

My advice - only keep things you want. The rest - donate, give to his friends that want it, and anything of value that you don’t want just sell it or post on a collector board that you’re looking to sell.

Make sure you go through all the pockets. Old people stash money everywhere. Packing up my mother's house was the most emotionally draining thing I've ever experienced. And I did it by myself which was a bad idea.

r29 Why is your name "kylan"?

This thread is depressing. I’m still buying stuff for my house. The day I stop buying is the day I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

R18, did you also find a porn collection?

I second checking books or clothes for things stashed inside. Last year I helped a cousin clean out his moms house after she died, and before we packed up the books I would flip through them to check for stuff and I found about $500 and a ton of newspaper clippings. She had dementia and would stash things in the books all over the house.

its really depressing to have to go thru recently deceased relatives possesions. In our extended family we have had to do it too many times. The surprising thing is the amount of stuff that was left behind that is just taking up space. My dads situation was the worst. Not only did he leave a mess in the shear amount of possessions and a somewhat derelect neglected house, but despite 4 or 5 years of really bad health and 15 separate hospital stays, his legal affairs werent in order. He had a will from about 15 years before but was in the process of revising everything and doing a trust. His beneficiary choices were completely different in the draft of the new trust as was his choice of trustees as opposed to the executor of the old will ................. but the newly formed trust wasnt signed. It created all kinds of caos in the family and a premanent rift........... and the attorney was borderline negligent to the point he should have been sued for malpractive in delaying for over a month a final completed trust agreement for an extremely ill client. One of the worst experiences in my life. It took 3 years for the estate to be settled/

I got sort of lucky. My mother's house burned down in 2007 and that took care of most of her stuff. (She was okay with it for the most part) She moved South in 2013 and got rid of most of the rest when she moved. Everything fit in a small Uhaul.

Unfortunately she got ill shortly after and died in 2015. But I had minimal stuff to go through. I kept two plastic tubs worth of her things.

My father is another story...he has two houses full of shit. Nice things, but a lot of it. That's going to take some time going through.

Get an estate agent to come in and assess. They will take everything and try to sell it at auction - if it doesn't sell after 2 auctions, they donate it.

I too went through hundreds of bags of papers and personal effects. It was never ending.

Two tips: 1) Get an estate agent to take the big stuff 2) Hire someone on TaskRabbit to clear out the rest. They have no emotional attachment to the stuff. But be careful to select one that has an eye for quality.

[Quote]And of course I found his pron collection. A dresser full of it. Eesh. The man loved lesbians I guess

Again, only keep those items that spark joy.

R46 I hope you had fun with the money!

I find it easy to pare down my own stuff --anything bought at a mall can be replaced with something similar from a mall, if need be --but some things... like I have an envelope of valentines from the early 60s and my mother's budget book from the early 1940s in which shows the costs of things back then. I thought of taking the book to the historical society. I used to volunteer at a small museum that was devoted to everyday life in earlier times so they would get donations of domestic items. Nothing *valuable* but all the bits and pieces came together in interesting "scenes". Likewise, vintage valentines, I would have scanned and posted on Flickr for others to download and use but that's going away now.

I'm just really interested in ephemera of daily life and it gets lost in the Big Picture of History.

R41 are there any silver coins say silver eagles from early to mid 90s? I'd be interested i gave my name and address above. Justin Schmittler I'm on Facebook. I collect Paul Norton pictures too.

if other family haven't made themselves available, they want nothing to do with it. i'm still made at 3 siblings because i had unrealistic expectations they'd be there with me. and now i've got dust collecting on shit i don't want and i'm mad at them. ... and I know my deceased mother would be mad at me for being mad at them.......... it can all get twisted quickly. the items will collect dust and critters.. ..and probably will all eventually get pitched, so make some hard decisions in a timely manner.

When my sister's father-in-law died he lived in poverty in a small trailer out in the desert. They went through his things (brother-in-law and my sister, his siblings couldn't be bothered) And found small stashes of cash in weird places all over. So, they had to go through everything very thoroughly. Most everything went into the trash, but all told there was slightly less than a [bold]quarter of a million dollars[/bold] in ones, fives and tens. He had been skimming from his own business for decades because he had a hatred of the IRS and didn't want the tax man to get his money.

Now, it's important to point out that he was really miserly and wore old clothes until they practically fell off of him. He had a whole bunch of new clothes still in boxes and bags that had been given to him as gifts for years that he hadn't touched. He was dying of cancer but he still didn't spend any money or take a trip or anything. He didn't even have a phone (he was feuding with the phone company over some old bill). I suspect he hoped all that money would end up in the trash because his "ungrateful" kids wouldn't bother to go through his stuff. Anyway, my sister and her husband did the right thing and split the money between them and his five siblings. Of course they all spent it like drunken sailors and it didn't last but a few months.

I cleaned out the family home when my mother died.

For all cards, valentines, drawings, etc. that my parents had kept that came from their children and grandchildren, I returned to the persons who had sent them. There weren't a lot, but I think they were pleased to see what my parents had tucked away in their drawer.

I shredded boxes of financial records, but saved a few things like the last check my father wrote before he died and a couple of his very old tax returns. Also the papers from the family car I remember from when I was little.

Since my father was the youngest of his family, our attic contained stuff from some of his siblings who had died before Dad did.

I got a box of those 2 gallon ziploc bags and for each family member I sorted bits and pieces I could not bring myself to throw out. Stuff from my parents, siblings, aunts and uncles etc. Not everything, of course, but just a few things, like baby books or my Dad's HS yearbook. Also my grandfather's citizenship papers. When I was finished with each bag I labeled it with the person's name. The resulting finished bags I put into 2 xerox paper boxes and labeled them. As I said, I couldn't bring myself to throw these things out and have sorted them all. When I kick the bucket, whoever cleans out my place can find the bags and might just take a look. Or not. By then I will be past caring.

When I was doing this, there was an economic downturn and we could find no one who would take the furniture. Charities could not afford to send out a truck to pick things up. Finally, I suggested my sister check with her parish and there were some lower income people who could use them. My sister called to tell me they showed up with a couple of old pickup trucks and some cars and took it all. Even the ironing board.

My Mom would have been happy to know things were going to people who could really use them.

I sometimes picture the dining room set she loved and cared for and am glad that some other family is using it.

Good luck, OK.

My ex was in bad health for a while. His parents had spent their retirement years taking road trips and collecting things. His father was a smart man; his collections were actually worth auctioning off. But my ex knew that clearing that stuff out was still a lot of work. So, he started selling off his possessions that he knew were valuable. He cleared out most of the books he'd collected over the years. And he set up the title to his house so that it transferred to his nephew upon his death. He hadn't cleared out everything, but he increased the amount of money he left behind without living in deprivation.

I sent a lot of kitchen goods and linens to the battered wonen’s shelter here locally. I also sent them picture frames and inexpensive wall clocks, because having to furnish a house really adds up, and a lot of women in shelters have kids, so they can use the picture frames. Another thing that adds up is kitchen plastics like trash cans and plastic containers.

I have probably given them 50 picture frames. I bought a calendar with generic pictures of succulents and put them in the mats of the picture frames. That way if they don’t have pictures, they have something that matches in the frames.

The books went to the library. The ones they don’t keep, they sell to support the library. Check inside the books, my mom slipped bits of paper with poetry and sketches in between the pages.

I have a couple of sayings for you: “It’s beautiful, but not in that space.” That one was told to me by an older couple who were downsizing and getting rid of some really beautiful things, but the style of their new house was mid-century and the old furnishings wouldn’t go. They were selling their collection of vintage furniture after a lifetime’s collecting. I thought that was smart, the new house would have furnishings harmonious with the house. I have “It’s beautiful but not in this space’d” a whole lot of stuff by realizing it doesn’t match my decor, so out it goes.

The second one is: “will this help someone else more than me?” If so, donate it, sell it or give it to friends. Imagine you are giving someone something they really need. It helps to let go.

I went to an antique clock shop today. The guy there told me he goes to auction houses all the time. A friend went to one and found the guy’s unique antique bedroom furniture set from years ago was being re-sold there. He paid $7,000; it sold for $700. Antiques are mostly worthless now. Save what you love. But if you mean to sell it, expect it to sell far beneath its value.

I took all my old photos and put them in an acid-free box to be sorted later. They will go in an album.

If there are certain personal items you aren’t ready to let go, put them in a box and revisit them in a year. It will be easier to let them go then.

OP, I would give family, friends, and neighbors (in that order) a chance to take items that they want. The key, for me, was setting a firm deadline.

You could start by throwing out obvious trash and dealing with obvious recyclables (cans, etc.).

If there is furniture, I would donate to whatever company that could do a quick pick-up. I used Salvation Army. (I know some people on DL have issues with SA.)

You could also put like things together and decide, How much of X type of item do I really want / need?

Wow I thought r14 could have been me by the description but my dad isn’t dead yet...add on a basement of a 3,000 sq ft house absolutely packed. My mom is hoping to die before him so she doesn’t have to deal. There is SO much stuff and I live on opposite coast. It will take 100 friends to help.

I had someone scan all family pictures, recipes and things like that and ditched the originals.

Jesus Christ, you people are not actually THROWING OUT this stuff, are you??!! Artists buy old clothes, old linens, old luggage, etc. If you don’t have time to list it on eBay, at least donate to a thrift shop!

I’m dreading when my uncle dies as he is a bit of hoarder. He has three sheds (20mx4m) absolutely filled with useless junk. He never throws stuff away. He has a jug that he’s had for 10 years and yet out in the shed is the old broken one. He also keeps scraps of soap in containers, he got decades worth of monthly trucking magazines, and even a dust moth ridden chair in a shed that belonged to his grandma who has been dead 25 years. Plus when his own mother died, my grandma, he kept a lot of her junky stuff too in the garage. So basically when he dies, it will be 3 generations of crap to sort through. It will take some time. But he’s only 64 so still got a while left. Plus he has no children so it will be up to me, my sister and cousin to deal with it.

Isn’t it weird too how some people have brand new stuff but refuse to use it and just keep using the old one. Like my uncle has had a work messenger bag for the last 10 years that was falling apart so I got him a new one. Turns out he had two other ones exactly the same stored away unopened and unused. He’s had the same pair of worn out shoes he’s had since 1994 despite us buying him a new pair which is still in the box in the wardrobe. Ditto with clothes, dish washing brushes, hand towels etc. it’s weird.

There is an organization in Chicago called Chicago Furniture Bank that will pick up gently used furniture.

They distribute pieces to homeless people who are transitioning into supportive housing.

Forget Marie Kondo - look into Swedish death-cleaning.

R45 When my friends mom died, he found polaroid's of his mom and her boyfriend nude and in sexual acts stashed under her mattress. I guess her boyfriend had forgotten they put them there (she died unexpectedly in her early 50s of a heart attack, so I guess everyone was in a daze in a way). Needless to say it was embarrassing situation, since there were other people there when they were found too.

If you don't want to hold onto something but it has sentimental value, take a picture of it OP. When you're done you can put the pictures in an album to look through whenever you want. Much easier than plowing though boxes anyway

I'm sorry for your loss.

I flew 15,000 km to bury my late Father whom I barely knew, then spent 12 hours a day, 6 days a week for two solid months donating, giving away and tossing out my late Father's clothing, jewelry, furniture, tchotchkes, kitchen and bathroom utensils, pictures, letters and lots and lots and LOTS of papers. One of the first things I found in his bedside table was a paper bag filled with Trojan condoms with a Walgreen's receipt dated 1976. I left the bag prominently displayed as a reminder of the folly of packrating, keeping a ton of shit that, in the end, you didn't need and that someone else had to deal with.

I called local welfare agencies, charities, schools and homeless/women's shelters telling them what I had and that they were welcome to it if they came and picked it up. Many things I carted out and left next to the public rubbish bin for anyone who wanted it. Toward the end, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted, I contemplated heaping all the papers, pictures, furniture, etc. in the living room and setting fire to the lot.

The only items I kept were a few personal items that belonged to my Father and his Father, and a few pictures of my Father and my Grandfather, as well as my Report Cards from Grade 1 to Grade 5, which I had no idea that my Father had kept or why.

The best advice I can offer: don't agonize over each item and don't hesitate to give it away or toss it out, especially if you're the last motherfucker breathing, have no relatives. You will save yourself the storage of stuff you will probably never look at again, as well as save one or more someones having to spend hours, days and months tossing out what you left behind.

Epilogue: The last item I tossed out was the paper bag of condoms on my way to the airport.

Have a garage sale - but offering things for free. You'd be surprised what people in the neighborhood may need. With my Dad's stuff I let one of his friends (that lived in the same complex) know I was clearing out his stuff. She put the word out and so much of my Dad's stuff that I didn't need / want went to good homes - including people he liked and was friends with, or their family / friends in need. It made me feel good and was so much easier than other options.

Try not doing it with a drug-addled sibling. I've done this in the middle of a very humid summer. Twas the pits!

A note: good quality kitchen appliances from prior to the 1980s are in demand on eBay and the like, as are Tupperware branded stuff.

Old school Crock-Pots cook at a lower temperature so food can be cooked longer.

Also clothing from the 1970s and prior - don’t throw it out, if it’s reasonable quality, sell it.

My sister lives on the other side of the country in CA and she has a 4 br house and is a hoarder. I dread the day she passes and I an my siblings have to go and clean out her house, another sister who has visited her said she has so much stuff that you couldn't get into the bedrooms.

R53 I’ll check but he stopped collecting well before the 90’s. I think a lot of his coin collection was actually something he inherited from his own father. His stamp collection he stopped in the 80’s. Half of it he inherited from an uncle.

As far as the stamps Everything is on these special papers with clear covers. Stuff from the late 1800’s. All unused in this collector binder he had. It’s so hard looking at them because their all many different versions of things - like a purple stamp of George Washington with horizontal perforation is valued differently then say the black stamp of the same year. It’s complicated. But his book of a couple hundred pages is nearly full. He doesn’t have the upside down plane stamp lol. I checked and that’s of course one of the ones not filled in with the stamp.

I tried looking up things online but it’s so complicated I handed the book back to my mom and told her to see if we can get it appraised.

If I see any silver eagle coins I’ll let you know

R72 funny you mention kitchen appliances. He had one of those expensive kitchen aid professional mixers. I think they cost around 500 dollars new. We did sell that on eBay

[quote]Any tips from DLers who have gone through the same process?

Reading this thread has made me decide to get rid of the books, old documents and other junk I have stored starting with mr porn collection.

It's going to be one of the hardest things you ever do. I kept the things that had some kind of emotional significance to me. I donated a ton of stuff. There were a few pieces that were in 'in between' territory. I knew they were important to my Mom or Dad, but they weren't important to me. I just asked people who knew my parents if they'd want them, and all of them were eventually claimed. I wanted them to end up with someone my parents knew and liked. I still have one drawer in my house that's full of my Mom's scarves, which still are scented with her perfume, and I don't plan to empty that drawer. But that's probably my cowardice in not wanting to face the task.

My sympathies, OP. I know how hard it is. You'll survive it, but it will hurt like hell.

When my dad passed away and mother downsized,we went through the entire 4/3 bath house with a fine tooth comb. 50 years worth of stuff from a family of 5. They werent hoarders per se,but they kept a lot of shit I found ridiculous. It took us 3 months to finally get it all out,and mom still has a bunch Id have tossed,but what are you gonna do? What struck me was the fact that my parents were solidly middle class,didnt really buy cheap,yet there was very little that was "valuable" . Most of that were heirlooms like jewelry,silver,etc. It really made me ponder why we buy so much crap in our our lifetimes,and why we hang onto it.

I cleaned out my parents home and it did just about kill me. I had spent a week there. One evening, after being there all day, I loaded my car with no help - I started driving home. I was so tired, the trip was about 30 miles, lots of traffic. It was now dark. On a very busy road that goes past a major airport. A car behind me was flashing its lights. At first, I ignored him - then he pulled up beside me and motioned to me to roll down my window! Then he yelled at me that I was driving without my lights on! Yes, I was that exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

You can break the job into catagories.... like at first, just pull out and deal with all the books.

The easiest thing for me to do was drive a carful around, and stuff all the Little Free Libraries in my town. You can even do this after hours.

That also gave me a chance to pull out all the stupid religious propaganda zealots cram in those when recruiting. No one needs to be exposed to that filth.

R82, that’s what Marie Kondo says to do, sort it one category at a time. Put all the books together, all the clothes, etc. It makes it easier when you realize you have 1,000 books or 1,000 shirts and you don’t need them all. She starts with clothing because most people have a lot more than they realize.

In one case, a widow was getting rid of things belonging to her husband. It was very emotionally stressful for her, so what she ended up doing was getting rid of things in the order that was the least stressful for her.

For example, if your dad collected stamps and that collection represents your dad to you, save the stamps for last. After you’ve purged a bunch of other stuff, it’s easier to keep going.

I went through this last year, OP. It sucks.

[quote]r83 that’s what Marie Kondo says to do, sort it one category at a time.

Clearly the bitch's copying me.

Where's MY parade?

One of these Halloweens I'm going to be giving out my mother's Hummel figurines instead of candy.

Oy R86, I feel your pain ! My mother spent a goddamn fortune on Royal Doulton lady figurines ,that are pretty much worthless now.

R75 thanks. Anything vintage on stamps or coins I'd love to give them a good home. Love stuff like that and looking at them.

I feel your pain, OP! My mother passed away unexpectedly last month, and thanks to useless siblings (one of each) I’m the one tasked with spending my nights and weekends going through, sorting out all the stuff in her enormous UES co-op. She had lived in the place since 1961 - it was a wedding present from my father’s parents - so while it doesn’t quite resemble the Collier brothers townhouse, there really is so, so much stuff! It really is overwhelming.

I’d say a good 50% is assorted paperwork (tax returns, bank statements, brokerage statements, bills of sale, letters, our school reports, cards, etc., etc.), 30% is pictures, and the rest is a jumble of clippings, magazines, religious stuff, day planners, and the like. Mind you, that’s only the stuff in drawers, in boxes in closets, under beds - basically the hidden stuff.

Then there’s the clothes - 2 huge walk-in closets full - the coats and furs, the furniture, the books, the china and silver services, the stemware, the crystal, the knickknacks, the kitchen things, etc.. I don’t even want to think of what awaits me in the 2 storage units in the basement that come with the co-op.

My advice OP would be set smallish goals for the day or the week. Like “today I will get all the clothes bagged up for X to pick up” or “this week I will go through everything in the bedrooms”, things like this. It tough and tedious, but I’ve found doing it this has helped.

I also will echo what others have said about going through things before tossing or donating. Not just books either! I have already found a couple of thousand dollars in wallets and handbags she had received as gifts through the years, still in their boxes with the cards - I do remember my mother saying it was bad luck to give a wallet or handbag as a gift without putting some money in it. As most of these were gifts from her lady friends, and they were all fairly well heeled UES ladies of a certain age, most had a hundred dollar bill in them.

Tomorrow I’ll be bagging up all the linens in the place (sheets, blankets, towels) to be donated to an order of nuns for use in their rest home. Wednesday I’m taking off work as a friend who works at Christie’s is coming over with 2 colleagues to go through the jewelry, art, furnishings and such to give me an idea of value. I doubt the furniture will be worth much - it’s all solid wood, in near perfect shape, but tastes change. I am curious about the jewelry though - she had some very nice pieces plus a bunch inherited from various aunts and great aunts - some of those pieces are well over 100 years old, so we shall see.

I honestly think it will take me until May or June to finish up, and have everything either tossed, given away, donated, or kept. Then I’ll figure out what to do with her place.

Finally OP - do take some down time for yourself while you’re doing all this. It can be very emotionally draining - especially if it’s the place you grew up in. You need to recharge with some fun during this process. Take this Wednesday for example - once my friend and his colleagues are done, a very good friends with whom I share benefits will be coming over for some play. A fellow does have to eat, after all!

Torch all of it. No one wants your dad’s old stuff.

As others have said, it is for most people emotionally draining work on the best of days. We inherited my parents' home. They died 6 months apart, so there was barely time to grieve, let alone begin the process of sorting. It's nearly 21 years now, and I'm STILL getting rid of stuff. I kept too much to begin with, and have been paring it down ever since.

Don't restrict yourself to siblings for gifting. A cousin's adult children have been thrilled to receive Mom-made afghans and jewelry. A dear friend who makes cannoli always mentions using Mom's form set. Another always mentions the sewing notions she received. And that brings comfort, knowing that someone is enjoying her handiwork.

If you have the time, do an initial sort... the must keep speaks for itself. The would like to keep is harder. Box it and re-sort a year or two later (you may have to rent storage.)

In the end, because of emotion, you keep much more than you should, usually. Everything seems important and rich in meaning and memory. It isn't. I've got boxes of mom's stuff in the basement five years later with no idea what is in them... but it felt important at the time. If you're like me you won't remember much of what you kept unless you can see it.

One other thing: make it somebody else's problem. We gave boxes of 'historic' stuff to the local museum... they could keep it or pitch it but it was out of our way.

For the last leg, when you're exhausted, hire a service. They break everything into keep, donate, sell or junk. And it's worth every penny.

I feel so much for people going through this. Last summer we moved my grandfather into a retirement community. He's 98. My grandmother passed away in 2002 and he never got rid of anything in the house. The place was deteriorating and my grandfather finally had to have around the clock care.

I had to bring in outside help. I hired a "clear the clutter" business and what I didn't take or donate, they took care of. My grandfather paid for this, thank God, because in the end he was guilty about how out of control things got. My father was useless in the process and it was too much for one person, who has a full time job a few hours away, to do.

I second the suggestion to get rid of your own shit now so you are not "that" person. And the photos are a good idea. As an example, as a kid my grandmother and I made a paper mache mask of the Hunchback of Notre Dame for my Halloween costume. One of those things I still had in our attic because I just couldn't throw it out. But I went and took some pictures of it and tossed it, and I am fine with that. All that stuff you have that you think someday you'll get around to "enjoying" you probably won't, so get rid of it before it's someone else's burden.

99% of the stuff you think is meaningful to you will not be meaningful to anyone else when you're gone.

Lots of obvious advice.

However I suggest do nothing: just keep all the shit in the basement, attic, wing that you never visit, or summer house, or barn, or ex-caretaker's cottage etc, and let your own heirs deal with it, or not. After a few generations, it all sort of works out.

One of my former friends was an extreme hoarder. He had magazines stacked in both bathtubs. He took sponge baths in the kitchen sink. Cooked on a George Foreman grill on his front porch because his kitchen could not be used for it's intended purpose.

when he moved into his current house the only help he had was his grown son, Jason and me.

We thought John was outside at the truck getting a load to bring in and Jason said to me "I'm going to throw this away" just then John stuck his head around the corner and said "no, you are not throwing anything of mine away"

Jason said "yes I will throw everything in this house away after you die and when I do I won't be picking up things and looking at them. Everything will get thrown in a box and thrown out and the only way you can stop me is to throw it away yourself or live forever"

I am still haunted by the question, "Where are OP's trophies?"

Take a laptop out there with you and look up the values of the books and similar items as you go. Tools especially will be valuable. My partner took some of my dad's tools but the rest were sold at auction and went for quite an amount, especially the really old hand-powered tools.

Make one big box for donations, one to sell, one for trash, and one for recycling. My personal limit was that I had to be able to make a minimum of $7.50 on an item sold on eBay after fees, otherwise I'd donate it.

Some things like books or clothes you may just want to put in a separate box and take to the library for their book sale, or Goodwill or a similar charity shop.

The trophies won't be worth anything. My parents were champion bowlers and no one wanted their trophies, not even the ones from a big DC tournament they won.

One of the things I enjoyed about the process after my father died, was getting to know him as a person by the things he saved, especially things from when he was really young. His interests, his tastes, the sentimental attachment he had to various things. The music, the books, etc. For such a long time he was "Dad" but I got to see him as a person in his own right, through all his "stuff."

If he saved clothes that are older than three years, throw them out. Maybe there are coats or jackets that are useful but a lot of that stuff is worthless. Maybe save a favorite hat if there's a story attached, or if it says something about his personality. Same with books or sports memorabilia. Just keep a couple of things. Most kitchen stuff and furniture can be donated. Goodwill and Habitat for Humanity are great places to donate. When you've finished you should have no more than one or two storage boxes of "keepers."