Why do some people have a huge circle of friends and how?

There is no secret. They are fake people. I trust people much more if they have a small, close-knit group of friends.

No, this person isn't fake.

Don't be impressed. Some of these are People Collectors -- and nobody's real friend. Social media has made it even worse.

OP, I have a friend like this, too. She has an astonishing social network, in the hundreds for sure. Although she doesn't know all of those people equally well, she makes an effort to catch up with them whenever she can (the old-fashioned way, via phone or shared meal, not over social media).

Based on my observations, she has an unusually low level of anxiety combined with excellent time management skills. She'll compose an email as the thoughts form in her head, and press "send" immediately when she's finished. She'll pick up the phone and call someone -- friend, customer service rep, etc. -- the instant that the desire strikes her. She attacks any to-do list that you present her with, and likes to get all weekend errands done by noon on Saturday. She fetches and opens all the mail for her wife, because she's never nervous about what's inside of those envelopes.

She's a successful lawyer and former college athlete, if that helps round out the profile.

r4, wow

I believe the secret is a genuine interest in other people's lives. I'm highly organized and don't suffer from social anxiety, but I just don't care. What I want from a friendship, especially a casual one, is two-way conversation about mutually interesting topics, and I'm not calling anyone to find out how their grandmother whom I've never met is doing in the nursing home.

I think r4 and r6 nail it.

Shit.

I know a guy like this and yes he's very fake and a former drug addict. The sad thing is I was one of the only maybe five people he could actually rely on outside of his family but h treated all his real friends like shit.

Does this person live in the same place she grew up? I think that helps, if you've got all your elementary, high school, and college friends in the same area. And then maybe throw in your siblings friends with whom you also grew up, and maybe some cousins and such in the area too.

I always (sort of) admire people who have large groups to go out with. My friends are compartmentalized. Although I think it does save some aggravation.

OP, she's clearly a wealthy and emotionally centered extrovert. Of course she is not going to want for friends.

Most people who are like that are fake, meaning they use 'friendships' as some sort of personal investment to demonstrate they are popular. People like that also tend to be quite opportunistic. A working college of mine is like that, very social, calls everybody darling, she'll throw you under the bus in no time when she can make some gain from this.

OP, you asked how, and I say pick up a trick or two from her. Pick up on phrases or questions she asks, and you need to befriend her friends. I know you're shy, but you need to tag along to some events. After you do this for a while, you need to invite people over to your events. Have events that have ice-breaking games or just fun memory-making ones. Once you get the people, you need to stop worrying about how you sound. As I said latch on to some of the phrasings of your friend and be a good game host at your parties.

Eventually, you'll have more contacts than you did before, if that's what you want.

The people I know like this are highly socially active. They go out and do things, a constant stream of social activities. They like engaging with people. Love totalk. They don't like being alone much and rather do than watch.

Are these people attractive? That tends to help.

Some people are really good at establishing a sort of intimacy. Not romantic, but a friendship type of intimacy. I am one of those people with a few friends, but a large circle of acquaintances who I really enjoy seeing and spending time with. I bet your friend is not so much a "groups" person, but does one-on-one very easily. I think it's those qualities which create that "large circle of friends" dynamic.

I know someone who is like that, a real social butterfly. I'm not like that, nor do I wish to be, but curiosity got to me and I asked him how he does it. He said he's not afraid of rejection, just invites people, and invites himself relentlessly. I couldn't do that.

Some people just don't like to spend time alone, they need to be entertained...so they make time for other people.

Sounds needy and exhausting

Whilst this lady may not be fake I do not believe it is possible to be close friends with hundreds of people.

Have to admit that i'm a people collector.

I never argue or have disagreements with 'friends' , I just kind of see less of them.

Lot's of people would say that they are my 'friend', I view most as acquaintances.

Having a large social network is presented as the ideal for everyone. However, it requires a particular constitution and psychology to be able to befriend and maintain friendships with a large network. Most people who manage it were conditioned to be that way. The only person I know who actually fits the bill is the child of two parents with similar "networking" skills. I imagine that in many cases it is taught by example during formative years. It certainly requires more work and resolve than is apparent. It is not for everyone. If you have social anxiety it will not happen. Be OK with it.

I have a friend who is the same. Simple explanation - he is a good man, great company and is relatively comfortable in most social situations or knows how to handle them if he is not. However, he also puts a lot of work into his friendships, keeping in touch regularly, meeting up with people regularly and just making more effort than I see most people do. Certainly more effort than I make. I keep in touch with people and always make sure I hook up with them at some point but, as I get older, I just don’t have the stamina to be out and about more than a couple of times a week at most. He is the sort of person that when you try to arrange something his weekends and most evenings are booked well in advance. Though that has changed some since he got married.

So, it’s all about temperament and quite a lot of effort.

I've always been more of an introvert than an extrovert. It did not help that as a kid I had a stammer which other kids mocked me for. My job requires me to socialize and entertain customers and I have no problem with that since it is usually a defined setting or fixed period of time. But in my personal life, I have a small, very tight group of close friends. Outside of that group, I find making small talk and pretending to be interested difficult. To R22's point, I came from a very small family and my parents were not very social either.

I have 2 friends who do this. They are a couple and have a large network of friends from every strata of society. They go to London and have friends who are wealthy art collectors and dealers and then there are ordinary people such as myself. They are interested in people and are generous with their time, they like to keep in touch with people they consider their close friends we speak several times a week. With such a large circle of friends they have an active social life and are constantly going out.

Not everybody hates people OP.

Because some people are social butterflies. They like going out, they like talking to people, they are fun to be around.

Are you really perplexed by the idea that some people are social and not introverted shut ins...?

I have a few friends like this and they are not fake at all. They are genuinely interested, they are never critical, they are always nice, they are always helpful when they can be. Everyone wants to be around them because they feel safe. They are all very outgoing people.

Some of the people I know who are like this are what I call 'people collectors' -- and the 'friends' in their huge circle really aren't that close. Contact is maintained just enough to stay 'friends'. Often, the relationship is situational and dies after the people leave a mutual workplace, school, apartment complex, etc. And lots of times, the 'friendships' have some kind of tacit power play involved. I did know one person who just seemed to be afraid to spend time alone at home -- or anywhere- by himself. He made a huge deal of being a 'fierce', independent guy, but could not face time alone. Hell, he couldn't/wouldn't even go into a decent bar by himself. He surrounded himself with a huge list of friends he could call on at any time to counteract his fear of being alone.

The "fake" thing reeks of bitterness and jealously.

She'll have to make up a Power Point presentation explaining to the shut-ins how to treat an extrovert.

It will be blank, because she clearly doesn't have time to bother with people who find anyone with a pulse "exhausting." They have their issues, can offer nothing to others ("too many spoons") and prefer to whine rather than socialize.

They're extroverts OP

They feed off of being around other people and they're generally interested in anyone and everyone and are almost always upbeat--everyone is a "great guy!" and they always talk about people's positive traits so no one feels as if the minute they turn their backs, the knife is going in. They also assume everyone will like them and tend to overlook slights that would set DLers off for years. Flip side is that they are often miserable if they're alone for any length of time.

My college roommate is like this. Back then he would drive me crazy by always inviting people back to our room to hang out. Even they were all people I liked and was friends with, I just needed some alone time. The good part was that it pushed me to be more comfortable with people who weren't very close friends, to not feel like I had to be "on" all the time or concerned about whether everyone else was having a good time.

He's still like this. We were out to dinner last week and he was chatting up the waitress about her chihuahua (she was older and he wasn't hitting on her, just being friendly) and all I could think was "Stop talking to her. I'm starving and she hasn't put our order in yet." I smiled and laughed politely at her dog's antics

To the people who think they have a lot of friends: someday when the chips are down and you have lost everything, you will see exactly how many real friends you have.

R33 is right. Real friends are with you thru thick and thin, in sickness and in health, your good times and bad times. The rest are just acquaintances who will disappear if things go south. Most of us can count on one hand our real friends.

All of my friends are dead or are living in Monte Carlo.

Not all, but many of these types have mastered the art of insincerity....

it's like asking how some people attract so many roaches in their dirty apartment.

R4, and she’s never, ever sick at sea!

Poor people & mentally ill people have lots of friends because they’re not very discriminating

Hardly ever, R38! ;-)

To "low anxiety" and "good time management skills," I will add, as others on this thread have, "a preference for company." It seems like it should go without saying, but perhaps it's worth discussing more explicitly.

She and her wife live in a sort of urban yuppie housing tract. When I visit, I have to brace myself (I'm an introvert) for a constant stream of people in the evenings. At 6:30 p.m., "the boys" might drop by with their three poodles. She offers them a drink, they sip something and laugh and chat for 20 minutes before they continue on their way. At 7:45 p.m., her ex-girlfriend rings the doorbell, because she's been cleaning out her place and has a bag of things that seem too nice to throw out -- does anyone want anything before it all goes to Goodwill? Ex-girlfriend ends up sitting down with us to have dessert. And so on.

It's actually sort of touching, and reminiscent of a time when we weren't all so cut off from one another. I'll always be an introvert, but I've learned a few things from watching my friend: to assume that others will welcome a call or an email from me, to not worry so much that they are constantly judging me.

And, R33, of course there wouldn't be 200 people at the ready if my friend were dying of cancer, or some other terrible thing. They're spread out across the country, for one. But would there be a solid 10 or so of us who are close by, and have our shit together, and could share caretaking responsibilities? Absolutely. It helps, I'm sure, that we're mostly gay, 35-50, and childless.

My nephew and his wife are like this. They're attractive, love life and are genuinely decent people. They also really enjoy meeting and interacting with people too, which I think is the most crucial element.

What perplexes me are the people who are annoying and yet they have a huge circle of friends and social life. I have a friend like this. He's a genuinely good person and outgoing of course but there must be a bit of oil and water with the two of us. He annoys me sometimes and I'm sure he feels the same about me. I mitigate this by hanging out with him within a group and very rarely socialize with him one on one. When we do, we limit the time and keep it light--like a movie. But he's the type of person who I sometimes I roll my eyes at, walk away from and bite my tongue, etc.

He is always out and about. Has friends locally and all over. If he's not busy socializing here, he's traveling somewhere in the US and internationally. And when he travels, he stays with friends and rarely at hotels. And I could be bitchy and say very few of his relationships are meaningful but no, he does have very good friends and they go back a very long way back. The type of friends who will fly out and help him in times of distress/need. And no, he's not a looker either. I think maybe he tries a little too hard (always giving little chintzy gifts, etc), but I guess people appreciate it and overlook some of the annoying (admittedly minor) traits. And perhaps, trying too hard pays off if you want to connect with lots of people. I can't bring myself to do it.

Real reasons are too deep for this crew on this thread.

[quote]Based on my observations, she has an unusually low level of anxiety combined with excellent time management skills. She'll compose an email as the thoughts form in her head, and press "send" immediately when she's finished. She'll pick up the phone and call someone -- friend, customer service rep, etc. -- the instant that the desire strikes her. She attacks any to-do list that you present her with, and likes to get all weekend errands done by noon on Saturday. She fetches and opens all the mail for her wife, because she's never nervous about what's inside of those envelopes.

r4, I find it fascinating that this seems weird to you. This is how most people get shit done.

Sounds like entirely too much work.

R44, perhaps there are more people with these qualities than I realize! For me, yes, they are aspirational. I'm the type to agonize for an hour over a one-paragraph email, to prep for half an hour for a business call that will take 5 minutes, etc. As I hinted, my friend's wife is similar to me that way, and is notoriously anxious about mail. She'll let it pile up, her dread increasing daily, unless her wife is there to go get it.

Maybe the social butterflies have a "done is better than perfect" approach to everything in their lives, from email to friendship maintenance, whereas we shy ones are so caught up getting every detail "right," and so terrified of making a mistake, that anything beyond a couple of dear friends would be overwhelming and impossible for us.

I've found that when you have large circles the relationships are quite shallow and surface. I know a woman who is exactly the woman you'd described and shes friends with EVERYONE, knows everyone, etc. I actually have gotten to know her quite well and the more I know her the less respect I have for her. Everything is ARTIFICE, I've stepped in deeper puddles.

Some people have a loose definition of "friend" and some people curate their friends more carefully and have fewer, truer friends. My brother has a ton of friends. If he feels like laying tennis he has friends, if he wants to go to the movies he has different friends and he might go to a few clubs with a whole different set of friends. Then there are work friends and old school friends and so forth. He's laid back, non judgmental, he is very empathetic and a good listener, and he likes to have fun. I wouldn't call his relationships superficial, but he doesn't believe in getting "too close" to people. But he needs to be around other people like humans need oxygen. He hates a quiet house, hates to be alone loves to get out in the streets and party. I'm complete opposite.

I would add that people feel safe around him, trust him and are comfortable with him. I think that's his special talent. He's real good a small tak. He can make going to the Mall an adventure story.

What are "friends"?

"First the right hook goes. Then the left hook goes. Then the friends go."

I have a friend like this. He has wide and varied interest, a really tight group of friends he grew up with and he’s excellent at keeping up with people. If he hasn’t heard from someone in a while, he’ll contact them just to see what’s up. He also shows up for people. He puts in time and effort. Great guy. I actually have a couple of friends like this. I’m lucky they’re patient with my grumpy ass.

A lot of gay men are stuck forever at age 14 because that's when they were really unpopular. So they will obsess about being popular and will do everything they can to become that.

They fascinate me! My sister was like this. I can’t keep track of my one friend.

I am also one of those descripted good networkers. I think, that is a talent given to you like being a good musician or artistic. I am none of that. I can try to learn it, I've tried and it is just hopeless. The love of my life was one of the most influence Automobil Designer in Europe. As a Christmas gift he gave me expensive drawing pencils "Everybody can draw". Well everybody but not me. He came to the same conclusion.

Back to the topic. I am used to live on my own. And I love my spare hours when I can read my newspapers, magazines and sometimes posting on DL.

But I am also vety curious about other people.. I like to talk to them and ask them about their job, their family, their hobbies.

I am the member of many clubs. Sailing, Golf, Shooting, gardening, volunteer for helping refugees, elected judge for ten years, member of the local parliament.

I have basic or advanced knowledge in three languages which make me able to post here and follow this very interesting discussion.

Being extrovert is genetical and it you grow up at a family who is also a great networker helps a lot. Because you are common with that.

So, it you are insecure (which I am also a lot) to talk to other people. Don:t worry. There are always people like me, who see you hanging around the bar and will step to you and start a nice conversation.

sometimes the large social networks and lots and lots of friends can be an illusion. I have a close friend that had tons and tons of friends in Los Angeles. They would rotate but there were always a lot of people. However she moved away 2 years ago and no longer keeps in touch with any of the friends she had over a 25 year period. I think it is impossible to have dozens of really legitimate close personal friends for long periods as it is just too exhausting to keep that up. The above person in question use to treat new friends almost like a new significant other and be really heavily into it for a while and then the thrill was gone.......I never could understand it.

I guess there are people that are extremely social and maybe the trick is not to get too intimately wrapped up in any one person and pick nice uncomplicated people to begin with and it also helps to have an extreme amount of energy. The aforementioned friend had a thyroid problem where you practically had to peel her from the ceiling and she could go and go and go for days/

If you're rich and can afford to throw nice parties you will always have friends.

It can work like a magic trick. I know a guy who can connect with almost anyone if he finds out what high school they went to. Once he knows that he can plug in the names of a half dozen notable teachers, some facts about the school's sports teams and its coaches, the names of people who went there and became famous, and maybe a few of the hangout restaurants and bars around the school, and if you've never seen his act before you would swear you went to high school with him. It works--people love to talk about that shit, and they open up to him instantly.

If you stock your parties with twinks you certainly will

[quote]Don't be impressed. Some of these are People Collectors -- and nobody's real friend. Social media has made it even worse.

This is 100% true. Through an actual friend, I knew this privileged social butterfly type woman who moved from county- to-country every few years, she even dated a British actor. This woman was dizzy, frivolous, didn't work, was in her 30s and still being supported by her wealthy parents. She always managed to worm her way into every cosmopolitan city's happening inner circle. She's lived in Paris, London, NYC, Islamabad and Amsterdam, to name a few.

She supposedly had so many 'friends', yet when she when back to her home country, most of her 'close friends' from all the cities she lived, abandoned her. Most of her friends moved on from their lives of partying. They got serious about their careers, partnered up (gay and straight), had kids. Last I heard, this woman is still in arrested development. Her rich parents continuing to bankroll her life aren't doing her any favors.

Collecting people can also keep us malignant narcissists in place, OP. Look how many best friends i have in the senate.