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Let's be a British detective procedural drama

I am the teenage daughter the detective protagonist is raising alone.

I just want to have some fun out with my friends tonight... I PROMISE to be safe!

by Anonymousreply 412June 22, 2021 2:09 AM

I am the hot but obnoxious partner everyone knows I will end up in the sack with, even though we're constantly sparring - it's a question of when not if.

by Anonymousreply 1January 19, 2019 11:25 PM

[old school] I am the word "guv," and I occur in every episode at least once.

[new school] I am the cornucopia of races and genders and religions. A muslim or black woman will be in a position of authority. You may spot a native Anglo-Saxon male, but more than likely he'll be a chav, a suspect, or a chav suspect.

by Anonymousreply 2January 19, 2019 11:33 PM

I’m CCTV

by Anonymousreply 3January 19, 2019 11:45 PM

I'm the ethnic minority community leader blaming the cops for everything and then turning out to be wrong as the perp is uncovered as one of the community (see first series of No Offence).

Wait - no, I think I'll be the rotten apple in the barrel: the D.I. on the take.

by Anonymousreply 4January 20, 2019 3:21 PM

I am the breathtaking and dramatic scenery of Scotland/Northumbria/Cornwall/Wales that is the backdrop to every single case . There may be murders, robberies and a plethora of criminal acts..... but really, you're only tuning in to see me!

by Anonymousreply 5January 20, 2019 3:35 PM

I am Nicola Walker. I'll show up sooner or later.

by Anonymousreply 6January 20, 2019 3:37 PM

Are we in this? We must be in this.

by Anonymousreply 7January 20, 2019 3:39 PM

R6 - LOL.

I'm the tart-tonged pathologist showing up in white coveralls to mouth off at the D.I.

by Anonymousreply 8January 20, 2019 3:40 PM

I'm the rogue former Guard turned P.I. always getting beat up, drunk, and in the way of the investigation.

by Anonymousreply 9January 20, 2019 3:42 PM

Are tart tongs something you Brits use, R8? I've never heard of them.

by Anonymousreply 10January 20, 2019 3:43 PM

Of course, strictly speaking, that's not a British procedural drama . . .

Just wanted to clarify

R9

by Anonymousreply 11January 20, 2019 3:43 PM

R10 - damn it all, typing too fast again.

But they probably do use tongs to remove bullets.

R8

by Anonymousreply 12January 20, 2019 3:44 PM

R5 - Contrariwise, the cutaways from breathtaking scenery take you to the seamiest side of England's Green and Pleasant Land - the estates and council houses of Birmingham, Manchester, Newcastle . . . complete with local accents for which some Brits, never mind Yanks, may need subtitles.

Speaking of Manchester, I was dismayed to see New Street Law decline after just a couple of seasons, just as the revelations emerged about John Hannah's long-ago affair with his new love interest's Mum . . . but I digress.

Next, I think I will be the dissatisfied wife of the local rich manufacturer who is behind the environmental crimes against that local scenery that the murders are attempting to cover up.

by Anonymousreply 13January 20, 2019 3:51 PM

I call everybody 'luv' because I can't be bothered to learn their names.

by Anonymousreply 14January 20, 2019 3:53 PM

R13 Yes! A scary detour from the rolling hills/ fragrant meadows/seaside clifftops to the sleazy underbelly of chavdom is an absolute must.

I'm the former criminal gone 'straight'. The detective goes to get info from me in a dirty street in just one of those places. I run a greasy old cafe there.

by Anonymousreply 15January 20, 2019 4:26 PM

I'm the Masonic ring that alerts the DCI to a possible cover up by higher ups.

by Anonymousreply 16January 20, 2019 6:12 PM

I am the interracial working class couple that does not encounter bigotry at work or from family.

by Anonymousreply 17January 20, 2019 6:14 PM

I'm the ancient neighbour who was the only one about when the murderer slunk away only her testimony is worthless because she's half-blind and nearly deaf/.

by Anonymousreply 18January 21, 2019 12:55 AM

I'm Archie Panjabi. I will have a story arc on this, playing a woman born and living on a remote Scottish island who speaks with a slight American accent.

by Anonymousreply 19January 21, 2019 2:26 AM

I am the shadowy MI6 type who shows up at the DSI's office one day and orders her to shut the case down without giving any reason except that she's outranked on this.

When the DSI protests, I utter the deathless phrase, "You have no idea what you're dealing with here."

Rather than putting up another post, I will then be the DI who refuses to drop the investigation, and on his own time and at considerable risk to life and limb, doggedly keeps following up leads and ends by exposing the whole rotten show.

by Anonymousreply 20January 21, 2019 12:58 PM

I am the petals of the faded rose by the sink in the loo...no one know why Im there

by Anonymousreply 21January 21, 2019 1:02 PM

I'm the tiny coastal community that has a murder every week - a crime rate that's actually worse than Chicago's.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 22January 21, 2019 1:03 PM

I'm the harried, gruff Chief Superintendent. Im bothered by the DC's off the books antics so much so that I must threaten to take them off the case. Ultimately, I have their back and I express my support with wry comments.

by Anonymousreply 23January 21, 2019 1:07 PM

I am the script that seems to get recycled every three years.

1.involves decades old nasty business at a boys' school or an orphanage that involves men who are now pillars of the community. The school/orphanage doctor is a red herring. I wasn't a participant. He was trying to protect the boys. It wasn't a suicide, it he was murdered. Sometimes The Masons are thrown in for good measure.

2. The murder for no reason. Turns out the murder misinterpreted something and went on a killing spree for no damn reason at all.

by Anonymousreply 24January 21, 2019 1:18 PM

I am the program that gets cancelled mid story arc.

by Anonymousreply 25January 21, 2019 1:21 PM

I'm the dangerous amounts of whiskey drunk by the detective when alone working late in the office or the second I get in the front door at home.

by Anonymousreply 26January 21, 2019 1:28 PM

I am the tea that is always offered the minute you walk in the door.

by Anonymousreply 27January 21, 2019 1:35 PM

I’m the low ceilings and doorways of every single building in the countryside.

by Anonymousreply 28January 21, 2019 1:38 PM

I am the ruined stone farmhouse/cottage which seem to exist by the hundreds in the UK.

I am the farmhouse or cottage that has been abandoned for decades, but is somehow just the way it was except for a thick layer of dust. I guess the Brits are too polite to loot or scavenge.

by Anonymousreply 29January 21, 2019 1:50 PM

Recycles script #3 Odd young man who lives in a caravan in the woods is thought to be a pedophile. Actually, he is the bio dad of the boy.

by Anonymousreply 30January 21, 2019 1:52 PM

I’m the pub where people who spend all hours of the day working side-by-side go to hang out side-by-side after work every day.

by Anonymousreply 31January 21, 2019 2:02 PM

I’m the odor of a rotting corpse buried in a shallow grave in a wooded area just outside of town. I am indicated by visual means.

by Anonymousreply 32January 21, 2019 2:05 PM

I’m Oxford. I’m full of bicycles nobody need bother to lock.

by Anonymousreply 33January 21, 2019 2:06 PM

I am the village of alcoholics who keep bars packed--even on a weeknight.

by Anonymousreply 34January 21, 2019 2:39 PM

I'm a somewhat smug looking white male 30something with a distinct Oxbridge accent who shows up to try and keep the hero in line and to imply that they would be best off dropping their investigation.

I am clearly up to no good.

by Anonymousreply 35January 21, 2019 2:44 PM

I am the killer. You saw me for about three minutes at the start of the three episode story arc, but you do not see me again until the last five minutes of the last episode.

I am the brown woodwork that everyone seems to have painted white.

I am the odd and useless conversational grouping in the lounge that consists of three semi-upholstered chairs and no side tables, coffee table or rug to anchor it.

I am the Chief Inspector's kitchen. His wife seems to have redecorated every season.

I am the cheese and pickle sandwich.

by Anonymousreply 36January 21, 2019 2:49 PM

I'm the whole village that has taken the law into its own hands, every one of whose inhabitants has had a role in getting rid of the victim because the actual law was no help whatsoever in stoppind his vicious activities.

by Anonymousreply 37January 21, 2019 3:55 PM

*stopping

by Anonymousreply 38January 21, 2019 3:56 PM

I'm something that happened in WW2 which sparked a series of present day murders committed using harpoons in a Guernsey village.

by Anonymousreply 39January 21, 2019 3:59 PM

I'm a lay-by. Something horrid happened in the overgrown grass next to me.

by Anonymousreply 40January 21, 2019 4:25 PM

I'm the evidence improperly obtained by the DI that gets the case thrown out and the perp set free to murder/abduct/rape again.

by Anonymousreply 41January 21, 2019 4:28 PM

I'm the teenaged girl who misses the last bus and walks home along a wooded lonely path despite knowing there's a serial killer on the loose.

by Anonymousreply 42January 21, 2019 4:36 PM

I'm the close-mouthed publican whose little piece of information is the one the DIs need to identify the perp and close the case.

"Why didn't you tell us this before?"

"You didn't arsk."

by Anonymousreply 43January 21, 2019 4:50 PM

I am the woman who lets an innocent man go to prison because I don't want my husband to know that I was raped.

I am the old biddies who mouth all the horrible things the perp doe to his victims because we cannot bring ourselves to actually say them aloud.

I am the drunk, prostitute, or drug addict informant who is a regular for two seasons and is then killed off in the UK equivalent of a very-special-episode.

by Anonymousreply 44January 21, 2019 4:58 PM

I am the skeleton accidentally uncovered in the back garden when the neighbour's bull terrier got in and dug up and carried home an mistakably human femur.

by Anonymousreply 45January 21, 2019 5:30 PM

I am the body that is dug up 6 months after I disappeared. I have all my skin, fat and muscles. My eyelids are closed. Coppers take a photo of me, show it around and people recognize me.

IRL, I’d be a skeleton with bits of damp, brown, rotted cloth scattered about.

by Anonymousreply 46January 21, 2019 6:28 PM

I'm the posh barrister who, behind closed doors, has an addiction to kinky sex and/or drugs which makes me "vunerable" to blackmail by organized crime interests protecting the perp.

by Anonymousreply 47January 21, 2019 6:32 PM

I'm the wooden picnic tables that seem to be outside of EVERY village pub. This allows for scenes that can be filmed outdoors.

I always thought the weather in Britain was usually too inclement for outdoor eating.

by Anonymousreply 48January 21, 2019 6:39 PM

I’m the weather. I rarely rain. Sure it’s the UK, with horrid weather. But not in detectiveland

by Anonymousreply 49January 21, 2019 6:41 PM

I’m Rupert Graves. I’ll be along shortly. I might even show up with Nicola Walker

by Anonymousreply 50January 21, 2019 6:42 PM

I'm the "sink estate" flat with the flimsy front door the police can kick in easily when looking for Darren or Kev or Reg, or other gormless low-level accessory to the robbery.

by Anonymousreply 51January 21, 2019 6:48 PM

I’m the disaffected teenaged child of one of the investigators. The dreadful details of the case will make my mom or dad want to understand me better.

by Anonymousreply 52January 21, 2019 6:49 PM

I'm the sweet, young blonde newbie on the DCI's team. She resents me because I'm pretty, haven't yet earned my spurs, and the older males are distracted by my looks. I'm named Tess or Jess.

by Anonymousreply 53January 21, 2019 6:53 PM

[quote] I'm the "sink estate" flat with the flimsy front door the police can kick in easily when looking for Darren or Kev or Reg, or other gormless low-level accessory to the robbery.

Nobody ever takes an elevator in those sink estates. They are either running up or down stairwells to catch the bad guy, or running along the outdoor covered “hallways” that are in front of all the flats

by Anonymousreply 54January 21, 2019 6:54 PM

I’m “pet.” I’m used when Vera doesn’t want to use “luv.”

by Anonymousreply 55January 21, 2019 6:54 PM

I’m also “son,” which Vera uses on young men instead of pet or luv.

by Anonymousreply 56January 21, 2019 6:55 PM

I'm the DCI's husband, getting more and more fed up with the wife never being home, or when she is, getting a call announcing a break or twist in the current case just as things are getting hot and she has to scurry away, looking guilty and regreful, but nevertheless, always putting career before me. I will soon start an affair and when the case is finally over, the marriage will be, too.

I am the warning that women really can't have it all.

by Anonymousreply 57January 21, 2019 6:58 PM

R54 - I am the graffiti in those stairwells the police have to keep vaulting up because the lift is always out of order.

by Anonymousreply 58January 21, 2019 6:59 PM

We're the couple having sex in the toilet stall?

by Anonymousreply 59January 21, 2019 7:13 PM

R54, in all fairness the elevators rarely work. If they do they smell like a pot-a-potty and you could walk up and down the stairs three times by the the time the elevator made it one floor.

by Anonymousreply 60January 21, 2019 7:21 PM

I’m the local crime boss. I idolize the Crays. I can’t be messed with unless I go too far. (It’s a fine line.)

by Anonymousreply 61January 21, 2019 7:23 PM

R61 - You're already over the line for misspelling our name.

by Anonymousreply 62January 21, 2019 7:25 PM

Maybe, Ronnie. But you’re dead.

by Anonymousreply 63January 21, 2019 7:36 PM

I'm the local vicar. In the past, I've been played by older white actors. But since all the non-whites screamed there was no diversity in British tv, I'm now played by black men and occasionally a woman.

Except in the case, where I need to sell sex. Then James Norton plays me and gets more sex than the town whore. But to keep it diverse, James is required to have sex with two black women, even though he's a vicar and supposed to be a moral light to the town.

by Anonymousreply 64January 21, 2019 7:37 PM

R48 - In fairness, depends which part of Britain and time of year. England actually has beautiful summers. Or used to. I've noticed it is getting warmer than I ever remember before.

Picnics are very English.

by Anonymousreply 65January 21, 2019 7:38 PM

R63 - Never count Ronnie and Reggie out, if you know what's good for you.

by Anonymousreply 66January 21, 2019 7:38 PM

Test to see if r64 posted?

by Anonymousreply 67January 21, 2019 7:39 PM

Is there a post at R61?

by Anonymousreply 68January 21, 2019 7:41 PM

R64 - Wait, I only remember Chambers having sex with one black woman. I've missed something, have I?

by Anonymousreply 69January 21, 2019 7:41 PM

Oh crap, r69. I gave away a plot point for Season 4. I'm so sorry.

by Anonymousreply 70January 21, 2019 7:43 PM

I'm the smooth brief who has sold his soul to the drug cartel and who keeps getting the big players off.

I'm also the bitter female mule the cartel let take the fall that the sympathetic female DI is working on with promises of a shortened sentence and witness protection, until the mule finally cracks and sells out the cartel, only to be found beaten to death in the laundry room of the prison before the DI can make good on her promises.

by Anonymousreply 71January 21, 2019 7:48 PM

r70 - Ah, that explains it. I tired of Chamber's incessant whingeing after Season 3.

by Anonymousreply 72January 21, 2019 7:58 PM

I'm the old cassette tape recorder in the interrogation room.

by Anonymousreply 73January 21, 2019 7:59 PM

R59 - What do you mean, "Do Brits really do this?"

Don't tell me you bought into all that crap about us!

Haven't you paid attentiont to this thread?!

Did you watch ANY of the "Prime Suspects"?!

by Anonymousreply 74January 21, 2019 8:01 PM

Dinsdale!

by Anonymousreply 75January 21, 2019 8:03 PM

[quote]I tired of Chamber's incessant whingeing after Season 3.

I never figured out why they showed Robson Green in a sex scene, but everytime James Norton has sex, they end the scene or close the door.

by Anonymousreply 76January 21, 2019 8:03 PM

I'm the interrogation room. I'm oddly well-lit and new-looking, almost welcoming.

by Anonymousreply 77January 21, 2019 8:03 PM

Dinsdale!

by Anonymousreply 78January 21, 2019 8:07 PM

[quote]Did you watch ANY of the "Prime Suspects"?!

I'm not R59, but I've seen a few "Prime Suspects." As a result, I've decided that I am the chain-smoking inspector's cigarette - always in hand, but never actually smoked.

What a waste! On the other hand, maybe they only needed one.

by Anonymousreply 79January 21, 2019 8:08 PM

I'm Maggie Steed. Everytime they need an eccentric older woman for one of these things, they call me. I always improve every scene I'm in.

by Anonymousreply 80January 21, 2019 8:10 PM

R76 - Maybe that's the source of Sidney's whingeing: they keep ending his sex scenes too early or closing the door.

Ah, does anyone remember how hot Robson was years ago, when he made "Reckless" and "Toucing Evil"?

by Anonymousreply 81January 21, 2019 8:11 PM

I'm Brixton. I'm like the dark side of the moon. I'm totally fucking terrifying. But I'm also getting gentrified. That means my poor blacks and affluent white fuckers get into argy-bargy requiring the coppers.

by Anonymousreply 82January 21, 2019 8:12 PM

I am the extra who appears in every episode; as forensics in overalls, as a passer by, as a funeral mourner, as a cop in uniform, as a pub customer, as a judge, as a taxi driver and as a body being hauled out of a muddy ditch. I may get a line one day.

by Anonymousreply 83January 21, 2019 8:13 PM

I'm the unforgiving lower middle-class white mother with roomy hips. I hold a permanent grudge against either the detective or someone else central to the case for some reason relevant to the case. You can't help feeling sorry for me because I seem otherwise a decent person, but I cannot get past my bitter grudge until the end of the season when I find out I was Wrong All Along.

by Anonymousreply 84January 21, 2019 8:13 PM

I’m the period police procedural - possibly the early 1900s or the 1920s, 1950s, whatever. In it, black people are accepted by the upper classes and middle classes in a way that never happened at all in Britain. Only one or two townspeople were bigoted, if any at all, and they were quickly shamed by the majority.

My grandmother came from there & believe me, they did not treat black people as equals. They didn’t treat Asian people as equals, either. Let’s not even go there about colonials. There was nothing as drastic as lJim Crow, where bigotry actually existed as codified law. But black people were discriminated against by society as a whole.

by Anonymousreply 85January 21, 2019 8:13 PM

This has already been done, and better.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 86January 21, 2019 8:14 PM

[quote] Ah, does anyone remember how hot Robson was years ago, when he made "Reckless" and "Toucing Evil"?

I still think he's hot. When he did his sex scene in Grantchester, he was only shown from the torso up, but I would have traded places with the woman under him in a millisecond.

by Anonymousreply 87January 21, 2019 8:15 PM

R86, no, because it is mostly the same people making the same damn posts.

by Anonymousreply 88January 21, 2019 8:15 PM

I am the person close to the case the detective just shouldn't sleep with but does anyway in a moment of weakness and exhaustion (after s/he is so worn out solving this case and looking after a teenage daughter all by himself/herself). I will rpove to cause all sorts of complications later on.

by Anonymousreply 89January 21, 2019 8:15 PM

F&F and Ignore for the self-appointed Hall Monitor at r86.

by Anonymousreply 90January 21, 2019 8:17 PM

R82 - I'm Bradford, and I won't ever be gentrified, not if you wait another couple of centuries, no matter what UNESCO says.

by Anonymousreply 91January 21, 2019 8:19 PM

[quote]But black people were discriminated against by society as a whole.

That's what bothers me about Grantchester. They have a gay vicar, who knows homosexuality is against the law, and yet everyone accepts him even when they know he's dating/having sex with another man. And then, one of the new episodes has a lesbian couple standing in front of the church detailing their attraction to one another. Nobody shuns them. If they were in London, you could excuse it, but in little Grantchester, everyone is gay friendly in the early 1950s?

by Anonymousreply 92January 21, 2019 8:19 PM

[quote]And then, one of the new episodes has a lesbian couple standing in front of the church detailing their attraction to one another.

Oops, sorry, the lesbian couple was in the new season of Father Brown.

by Anonymousreply 93January 21, 2019 8:20 PM

Dinsdale!

by Anonymousreply 94January 21, 2019 8:21 PM

And the Dut-CHESS played by Diana Rigg in Victoria who tells the gay guy her daughter is in love with to brace himself when the gay guy’s bf was killed. Here’s a Regency woman who hates the French, finds French food sinisterly decadent, wants cockaleekie soup with a chicken head in it, a piece of good old fashioned English mutton and cabbage, but she was totally ok with 2 gay men getting it on and was very sympathetic to the gay man her daughter is in love with. Suuuuure.

by Anonymousreply 95January 21, 2019 8:27 PM

R92 - They don't have a gay Vicar; they have a gay junior curate, the Vicar's subordinate assistant.

Which reminds me: back to the procedural British detective drama: I am the tough DI hiding his sexuality but leaving himself open to blackmail by the rotten apple in the barrel who has discovered his secret.

by Anonymousreply 96January 21, 2019 8:30 PM

I'm the forensic investigator. I'm an eccentric old coot, and love winding up the intense and irony-free investigator. I wear my specs at the end of my nose. Gallows humour is my forte.

by Anonymousreply 97January 21, 2019 8:31 PM

I'm the final shot of the morose detective, alone. Sometimes he/she will be downing a drink and contemplating the bleakness of life, having wrapped up another depressing case.

by Anonymousreply 98January 21, 2019 8:35 PM

I'm the bewildered heartbroken parents of the first young victim pulled out of the river with closeups of the marks of restraints on her wrists and the strands of hair over her waterlogged face so we all know what a horrible psychopath the perp is.

I only reappear at the end when the detectives come to our front door to tell me that the wife and I will finally have justice for little Sarah.

by Anonymousreply 99January 21, 2019 8:37 PM

I'm Agatha Raisin. I have two hot lovers. But they don't stop me from looking fabulous and solving crimes.

by Anonymousreply 100January 21, 2019 8:38 PM

I am The Gherkin. If the show has even a scene in London, I will be used in an establishing shot to prove how modern and bustling London is. I am considered more camera friendly than The Shard.

by Anonymousreply 101January 21, 2019 8:38 PM

R98 - Inevitably, the DSI will become concerned about your state of mind and send you along to me, the departmental psychologist, for counseling. You will exhibit hostility toward me and refuse to cooperate until I patiently break down your defences and it turns out you became a DI because of the abducted younger sister whose murderer was never found.

by Anonymousreply 102January 21, 2019 8:40 PM

R89, particularly when it is revealed that you are a ghost.

by Anonymousreply 103January 21, 2019 8:44 PM

R100 - Can I introduce you to DI Viv Deering of No Offence, who thinks women like you are the past and she is the future, all 275lbs. of her?

And speaking of Brits having sex in toilets, I can recommend a couple of scenes in No Offence showing one of DI Deering's juniors, PC Tegan, who is constantly having sex in toilets. Mind, Tegan is on the force!

Does Paul Abbott get the Prolific Police Procedural Award for creating most shows of this kind or WHAT?!

by Anonymousreply 104January 21, 2019 8:46 PM

[quote]Can I introduce you to DI Viv Deering of No Offence, who thinks women like you are the past and she is the future, all 275lbs. of her?

I liked Viv until she allowed herself to be shown totally naked. That made me puke in my Chanel handbag. Who wants to see that?

by Anonymousreply 105January 21, 2019 8:50 PM

[quote]Can I introduce you to DI Viv Deering of No Offence, who thinks women like you are the past and she is the future, all 275lbs. of her?

And why do they allow Viv to go naked and yet her hot colleague can't?

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 106January 21, 2019 8:55 PM

R105 - You have to give Joanna Scanlan credit for guts. I haven't seen that kind of Fat Gurl Guts since Ruth Jones took off (most) of her clothes to get it on with a hot young Aidan Turner in "Hattie".

by Anonymousreply 107January 21, 2019 9:01 PM

R106, "hot" only compared to the cast of Benidorm, season1

by Anonymousreply 108January 21, 2019 9:01 PM

I'm the secondary male DI character who isn't tall and good-looking but is very macho and hot and gruff in his short fireplug way that most of the females on staff wonder about.

by Anonymousreply 109January 21, 2019 9:04 PM

[quote]I haven't seen that kind of Fat Gurl Guts since Ruth Jones took off (most) of her clothes to get it on with a hot young Aidan Turner in "Hattie".

It's been a long time since I saw Hattie, but I didn't remember Ruth's fat was as lumpy and cellulite as Joanna's was. They should have put a disclaimer before they aired that show.

by Anonymousreply 110January 21, 2019 9:05 PM

I'm Kevin Doyle. Or Ben Miller. What's the diff.

by Anonymousreply 111January 21, 2019 9:06 PM

[quote]"hot" only compared to the cast of Benidorm, season1

The bartender in Benidorm is very hot and there was an episode where he was totally nude except for hands over his crotch.

by Anonymousreply 112January 21, 2019 9:07 PM

R110 - Fair point, but Jones was still undeniably FAT. And middle-aged. Certainly more attractive than Viv Deering is, but still . . . a forty-something fat girl as the object of a dazzlingly hot young Turner's lust. I wonder they pulled it off at all.

by Anonymousreply 113January 21, 2019 9:08 PM

I am Cheryl, no one seems to know what Im doing in the UK

by Anonymousreply 114January 21, 2019 9:11 PM

I'm the hot sidekick who's now playing a major role in a Golden Globe-winning film.

by Anonymousreply 115January 21, 2019 9:14 PM

I'm the washer and dryer in the kitchen.

by Anonymousreply 116January 21, 2019 9:14 PM

I'm eyes brimming with wisdom and compassion.

Wait, no, I got mascara in there again.

by Anonymousreply 117January 21, 2019 9:17 PM

I'm a fag, sucked on convulsively with shaking hands, by the traumatized victim or witness of an assault, as I am relating info to the coppers.

by Anonymousreply 118January 21, 2019 9:18 PM

I'm David Tennant's face. Watch me WORK IT!

by Anonymousreply 119January 21, 2019 9:20 PM

I'm an up-and-coming actor. I need something to add to my resume. And maybe this will lead to better opportunities.

by Anonymousreply 120January 21, 2019 9:44 PM

I'm a past-my-peak actor. I need something to do. And maybe this will lead to better opportunities.

by Anonymousreply 121January 21, 2019 9:44 PM

I am the prime suspect, out after paying my debt to society, but hauled in again because I have form in sexual predation, and what is more, I'm a working-class minority male. Only after two tortuous hours does it emerge that it's actually my white middle-class probation officer who copied my pattern and then tried to frame me.

by Anonymousreply 122January 22, 2019 12:59 AM

I’m the full sized fridge in the kitchen. What am I doing here? It’s the UK!

by Anonymousreply 123January 22, 2019 1:06 AM

I have one. They're not so rare, R123.

by Anonymousreply 124January 22, 2019 1:08 AM

I’m always hearing from UKers that Americans living in the UK should forget their full sized fridges because we are terrible gluttons and that’s the reason why we have all that fridge & freezer room. Everyone in the UK eats far less than we do & eats fresh food, not frozen food, so no need for a lot of freezer space.

by Anonymousreply 125January 22, 2019 1:16 AM

[quote]I’m always hearing from UKers

UKers - God what an awful expression.

by Anonymousreply 126January 22, 2019 1:26 AM

I'm the ONLY blind spot in an entire area that makes R3 ineffective.

The bad guy is somehow aware of me, but not the engineers and architects who built me. They managed to capture 90% of a given area, but always seem to forget about me. I'm usually near an alley or window. I'm a necessary plot device, so people ignore me. Just like the engineers did !

by Anonymousreply 127January 22, 2019 2:35 AM

I'm a village fête.

by Anonymousreply 128January 22, 2019 3:12 AM

I am the thousands of dust particles (or more likely a fog machine) that allows for the hazy mood lighting in crime scenes. Even in the middle of the day, the crime scene is dark with a few shafts of light.

by Anonymousreply 129January 22, 2019 10:01 AM

I'm the tea of crumpets, scones and clotted cream.

by Anonymousreply 130January 22, 2019 10:40 AM

The "nice" cup of tea, R27! It's never a cup of tea, it's always a nice cup of tea.

by Anonymousreply 131January 22, 2019 10:47 AM

I'm the city street that even in a place like Manchester or London is peculiarly empty even though it's only around half nine PM when the next victim heads home from drinks with friends, high heels echoing on the strangely empty pavement, until we hear the second set of footsteps behind her . . .

by Anonymousreply 132January 22, 2019 12:52 PM

I'm an anorak. I'm worn by schlumpy police inspectors who don't care about their appearance because they're trying to "white knuckle" their way through the traumas of divorce, delinquent kids, addiction recovery, past cases, etc.

by Anonymousreply 133January 22, 2019 1:17 PM

I'm the rucksack dredged from the river that is the only sign of the missing student victim.

by Anonymousreply 134January 22, 2019 1:20 PM

[quote]The "nice" cup of tea, [R27]! It's never a cup of tea, it's always a nice cup of tea.

R131 = Binnie

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 135January 22, 2019 1:21 PM

[quote]The "nice" cup of tea, [[R27]]! It's never a cup of tea, it's always a nice cup of tea.

Actually, it is usually a "cuppa". No "tea" at all.

by Anonymousreply 136January 22, 2019 1:24 PM

"Is that the kettle on? I'd love a cuppa!"

by Anonymousreply 137January 22, 2019 1:25 PM

I'm the weirdly hypothetical way some DCIs frame their interrogations.

"And what would you say, Nigel, if I told you that your semen was found all over the crime scene? How might you respond to that?"

by Anonymousreply 138January 22, 2019 2:05 PM

I don't know about Nigel but it makes me hot!

by Anonymousreply 139January 22, 2019 2:23 PM

I'm the tape recorder in the interview room. In some interview rooms, there are two tapes and one tape is given to the lawyer.

In Line of Duty, they make it a point to play this ear piercing tone everytime one is turned on.

by Anonymousreply 140January 22, 2019 2:35 PM

Dinsdale!

by Anonymousreply 141January 22, 2019 3:02 PM

I'm the emails mysteriously erased from the computer confiscated by the detectives.

by Anonymousreply 142January 22, 2019 3:18 PM

I'm a group of homeless gathered round a fire beneath the railway arches - they used to call us tramps, now we're "homeless". We have nothing to do with the plot, we just set the scene of urban desperation.

by Anonymousreply 143January 22, 2019 3:33 PM

[quote]I'm a group of homeless gathered round a fire beneath the railway arches - they used to call us tramps, now we're "homeless". We have nothing to do with the plot, we just set the scene of urban desperation.

Every once in awhile, when a body is fished out of the Thames, a show will devote a scene to asking us what we saw. I think we appeared in Law & Order: UK

by Anonymousreply 144January 22, 2019 3:38 PM

R143 - I think we've been upgraded further to "rough sleepers".

But we do have something to do with the plot - one of us witnessed something he shouldn't have, and the DIs now have to come around to our cardboard shelters with photos . . . "Any of you seen this man?"

by Anonymousreply 145January 22, 2019 4:12 PM

R145, you are correct "rough sleepers" is the preferred title nowadays . They are also highly intelligent, often highly educated, people who are misjudged by the police because of their appearance. Unless, they are the sweet, but slightly daft kind that is killed because he/she is either asking too many questions, or "knows something", though it usually turns out that he/she did not know anything, really (too daft to understand).

by Anonymousreply 146January 22, 2019 4:23 PM

We're the Travellers. They always blame us for the murder.

by Anonymousreply 147January 22, 2019 4:24 PM

[quote] UKers - God what an awful expression.

Well, it takes too long to say “English, Scottish, Welsh, Northern Irish, Cornish “

by Anonymousreply 148January 22, 2019 4:36 PM

Nobody has said “a cuppa” since 1972

“We’ll bring you in some nice hot tea, well sugared.”

by Anonymousreply 149January 22, 2019 4:41 PM

R148 - We're collectively called Brits - short for Britons, or "British".

by Anonymousreply 150January 22, 2019 4:43 PM

R148 - Or you could resort to Pommie Bastards (Australian slang for Brits).

by Anonymousreply 151January 22, 2019 4:45 PM

UKers? UK has become a verb?

by Anonymousreply 152January 22, 2019 4:47 PM

Do not ever refer to Catholic Northern Irish “Brits” .......... if you want to keep your teeth.

by Anonymousreply 153January 22, 2019 4:50 PM

[quote]Nobody has said “a cuppa” since 1972 “We’ll bring you in some nice hot tea, well sugared.”

I say it every day of my life.

I've never heard well sugared. You need to shut the fuck up, quite frankly.

by Anonymousreply 154January 22, 2019 4:54 PM

[quote]I've never heard well sugared.

The well sugared is currently used in British shows when someone is in shock. Someone brings them a well sugared tea. Supposedly it's good for shock? I don't know if real Brits actually say it, but I've heard it twice on Brit shows.

by Anonymousreply 155January 22, 2019 5:00 PM

The Amish in America call everybody else "The English",

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by Anonymousreply 156January 22, 2019 5:07 PM

[quote]I'm a group of homeless gathered round a fire beneath the railway arches -

I'm the foreboding, intrusive sound of a train rattling by overhead.

by Anonymousreply 157January 22, 2019 5:10 PM

I'm the homeless rough sleeper's dog on a rope.

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by Anonymousreply 158January 22, 2019 5:14 PM

[QUOTE] I'm Archie Panjabi. I will have a story arc on this, playing a woman born and living on a remote Scottish island who speaks with a slight American accent.

If you're referring to her stint on Shetland, she is from the big city, with a connection to the local case.

by Anonymousreply 159January 22, 2019 5:24 PM

I'm the classic pop songs they play on the 60s set dramas. I am totally incongruous to the narrative.

by Anonymousreply 160January 22, 2019 5:32 PM

I'm the white hazmat-type suits worn by the crime scene investigators.

by Anonymousreply 161January 22, 2019 5:44 PM

I'm the evidence bags that they always put stuff into. I'm also the pencil that they use to lift the evidence so they don't smear the fingerprints.

by Anonymousreply 162January 22, 2019 5:55 PM

I'm the shot of the cottage garden with rambling roses suggesting domestic tranquility as my owner is shown briefly in her gardening gloves at the beginning of the show.

by Anonymousreply 163January 22, 2019 6:13 PM

R153 - I wouldn't ever to one's face. But the fact is, NI is part of Great Britain, and so for the sake of brevity on DL, having to parse out NI's Catholics from its Orangemen is just a bridge too far . . .

But since you mention it, recent polls, especially in urban areas, suggest that many amongst the young are losing a sense of regional identity, e.g., more young people in England think of themselves as British rather than English.

I would venture to guess that Geordie's, for example, have a stronger sense of belong to the Tyne area than to England. But it's just a guess. Ditto Mancusians and Brummers . . .

by Anonymousreply 164January 22, 2019 6:22 PM

I'm the kids playing in the dangerous dirty local field just outside town strewn with tyres, syringes, empty bottles, and discarded little plastic bags, who find the body.

by Anonymousreply 165January 22, 2019 6:28 PM

Damn it all, *Geordies (not Geordie's)

by Anonymousreply 166January 22, 2019 6:29 PM

I'm the bacon butty sandwich.

by Anonymousreply 167January 22, 2019 6:30 PM

r164 Northern Ireland is not part of Great Britain. It's part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

by Anonymousreply 168January 22, 2019 6:32 PM

I'm a gun. So many chases and escapes could be prevented if the detectives carried me.

by Anonymousreply 169January 22, 2019 6:33 PM

I'm the DCI's family member who is connected to every murder and nobody finds that suspicious .

by Anonymousreply 170January 22, 2019 6:35 PM

R168 - Well, that gets us back to UK or Great Britain. But point taken, technically, when it's all drawn out.

But for the purposes of this thread that is a bit unwieldy.

by Anonymousreply 171January 22, 2019 6:56 PM

I'm the witness who gets a guilty conscience and shows up at the station to inform the police that they don't have the whole story and I have more to add than what I originally said. I refuse to talk to anyone else but the star of the show.

by Anonymousreply 172January 22, 2019 7:06 PM

[quote]I'm the bacon butty sandwich.

Butty MEANS sandwich.

but you're cute so you get away with it - this time.

by Anonymousreply 173January 22, 2019 7:15 PM

I'm that humiliatingly dorky cap that women PCs are forced to wear and that was clearly designed to test whether they really will lay it all on the line to make a career in the force. I'm also the female PC called in to comfort the bereaved after viewing the body in the morgue, or to stay with kids until the Aunt or Gran shows up.

by Anonymousreply 174January 22, 2019 10:04 PM

I'm the subtitles. You're gonna need me when the show takes place in Glasgow and Newcastle.

by Anonymousreply 175January 23, 2019 1:58 AM

I find Scottish accents easier to handle than the Mancunian ones.

by Anonymousreply 176January 23, 2019 1:59 AM

I'm pimply, snub-nosed Dominic Monaghan - I'm what passes for hot and twinkish in the UK.

by Anonymousreply 177January 23, 2019 2:00 AM

I'm the blue, white and yellow square tiles in every second British kitchen

by Anonymousreply 178January 23, 2019 2:03 AM

I'm Indira Varma - I get the role if Archie is unavailable.

by Anonymousreply 179January 23, 2019 2:07 AM

I'm the implausible storylines. Example: Rosemary & Thyme. Every time these two gardeners show up, there's at least one murder. You'd think people would figure it out after awhile. But I guess the British are so inbred that they can't recognize two murderers dressed as gardeners if their lives depended on it.

by Anonymousreply 180January 23, 2019 2:16 AM

I'm that nonchalantly macho Guard coat that's always worn open with the collar turned up, like Dracula's cloak.

by Anonymousreply 181January 23, 2019 2:21 AM

I'm the old police sergeant who's always on the front desk at the station. I've been on the force for 35 years. Those young CID coppers in their trendy clothes make fun of me, but they soon shut their gobs when a minor detail I remember from a 30 year old case effectively solves the entire crime by the time the episode ends....

by Anonymousreply 182January 23, 2019 9:56 AM

I'm the pouf who died of injries from being beaten whilst in custody on suspicion for cnild molestation; I'm also the PCs on duty at the time who deny seeing or hearing a thing.

by Anonymousreply 183January 23, 2019 12:38 PM

*injuries

R483

by Anonymousreply 184January 23, 2019 12:38 PM

that is - R183

by Anonymousreply 185January 23, 2019 12:39 PM

I am the prime suspect ,who is now in custody, that the old time DCI/DI is certain is the killer. The DCI/DI may have even planted evidence in order to arrest me. I will commit suicide before my innocence can be proven.

by Anonymousreply 186January 23, 2019 12:42 PM

I’m Bradford, a city in which each inhabitant has been murdered by a serial killer at least twice.

by Anonymousreply 187January 23, 2019 12:44 PM

I’m the American version that’s glitzy and superficial and only lasts one season.

by Anonymousreply 188January 23, 2019 12:50 PM

R188 for the win.

by Anonymousreply 189January 23, 2019 12:56 PM

R188, perfect. Thread closed.

by Anonymousreply 190January 23, 2019 12:59 PM

[quote]I’m the American version that’s glitzy and superficial and only lasts one season.

& I'm the American actor delivering my lines incredibly fast - often using words most people don't under-fucking-stand, including me.

When I became an actor this is NOT how I thought it would turn out.

by Anonymousreply 191January 23, 2019 2:11 PM

I'm the CPS barrister who thinks nothing of using minority stereotypes to prejudice the jury against the alleged perp who, of course, is not guilty. (Unless it's Law and Order UK - Ben Daniels would never do such a thing.)

I'm also the sleazy and very expensive defence barrister (QC, of course) who thinks nothing of using misogynist stereotypes to discredit a female witness, despite the fact that the judge these days is likely to be "My Lady", not "M'Lud".

by Anonymousreply 192January 23, 2019 2:56 PM

[quote]I do hope they don't get rid of the wigs, as they're threatening to do.

Those wigs look like they would be really hot.

by Anonymousreply 193January 23, 2019 3:04 PM

I'm an Agatha Christie drama where an American shows up. He will be a horrible person and probably the murderer. Every fucking time.

by Anonymousreply 194January 23, 2019 3:14 PM

R194 - He will also have the worst manners imaginable, wear loud ties, and be MIF.

by Anonymousreply 195January 23, 2019 3:17 PM

I'm the mole.

by Anonymousreply 196January 23, 2019 4:54 PM

I'm the 50+ year old fans of the show and all crime related shows.

by Anonymousreply 197January 23, 2019 5:00 PM

I'm the ghost of Miss Marple, and I am shocked, SHOCKED to see the squalor, graphic violence, and lack of taste that now infect the genre!

by Anonymousreply 198January 23, 2019 6:33 PM

And I'm only too depressed that I can't be part of all that squalor, graphic violence, and lack of taste. Bee-keeping in Sussex has turned out to be a crashing bore.

by Anonymousreply 199January 23, 2019 6:38 PM

I'm Midsomer and the surrounds. It's amazing there's anyone left to open the tea shop after so many murders.

by Anonymousreply 200January 23, 2019 7:55 PM

You'll find everything you need to know to solve the latest heinous desecration of the sanctity of Oxford in my archived crosswords and anagrams.

by Anonymousreply 201January 23, 2019 8:14 PM

R172 Sadly I will be killed right before I have anything useful to disclose .

by Anonymousreply 202January 23, 2019 9:25 PM

I'm a chronically unprofessional copper. If I'm a supporting character I will suddenly get sacked for a relatively minor offense. If I'm a lead I will get away with it again and again and again.

by Anonymousreply 203January 23, 2019 9:54 PM

R203 - Since you brought up Creegan . . .

God he was hot.

by Anonymousreply 204January 23, 2019 9:58 PM

I'm the lonely middle-aged female DS hiding her lust for the hunky male DI and realising sadly that he has the hots for a particularly pretty but not especially bright blonde PC.

by Anonymousreply 205January 23, 2019 10:27 PM

I am an antique book with some intriguing scribbling written on the margins, left at the murder scene. The scribblings are discovered to be cuneiform by a pompous professor at Oxford, who is a leading expert in ancient languages. He is able to translate the cuneiform, which provides valuable clues to the detectives.

by Anonymousreply 206January 24, 2019 2:17 AM

R206 - The pompous Oxford professor also knows that the book holds clues to the location of a far more valuable item, which he hasn't told the detectives - instead, he's bidding the information out sub rosa to collectors on a private web site to rich collectors. His body is the next one that turns up.

by Anonymousreply 207January 24, 2019 1:00 PM

R204, I recently learned the actor's full name is Robson Golightly Green. Sounds like he should playing poets and antique dealers, not soldiers and cops.

And yes he was super hot back then. Still pretty hot if you ask me.

by Anonymousreply 208January 24, 2019 3:09 PM

R208 - And he's quite an odd duck, come to it, as well. Runs to rather rocky type women (I think one was a Page 3 girl), and sometime in the last few years I read he ran off with some Vicar's wife, but I have no idea how that ended. He can sing, by the way. He's and extremely charming in interviews that I've seen. A blend of Geordie chav and quirky Bohemian I find irresistable. And you're right, he can give a young Norton a run for his money on screen. I'd fuck him in a heartbeat, but more than that, he looks like someone you couldn't go wrong inviting out afterward for a pint.

I think he's on his third crime detection round with Grantchester - Dave Creegan, Tony Hill, and now DI Geordie in Grantchester.

He also had a nice role in Being Human for awhile as a werewolf.

But I think he was at his absolute peak of quirky charm and sex on legs in "Reckless", which had a marvellous ensemble cast with a still beautiful Francesca Annis and the always wonderful Michael Kitchen. Can't recomment it highly enough.

by Anonymousreply 209January 24, 2019 3:28 PM

*recommend

by Anonymousreply 210January 24, 2019 3:29 PM

I am the ambitious amoral journo leaking details of the case to the Daily Mail or The Sun or The Mirror and stirring up public indignation at police incompetence as the serial killer strikes again.

by Anonymousreply 211January 25, 2019 2:54 PM

R211, I am the horny DI that R211 is shagging to get the info. I will either get fired or be returned to uniform duty.

by Anonymousreply 212January 25, 2019 3:30 PM

I'm an American queen watching a British detective procedural drama, at home in America - astonished and horrified to see actors sans bleached-white teeth...making constant asides to my fag hag "He'd be hot if he hit the gym" ..."Gurl needs to get his teeth fixed".

by Anonymousreply 213January 25, 2019 3:35 PM

R213 - I'm the British queen watching one of the innumerable British detective procedural dramas available and hoping American queens watching same think that we all look like Robson Green or James Norton, and not the others . . .

by Anonymousreply 214January 25, 2019 3:47 PM

for R214 and all the other fangays.

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by Anonymousreply 215January 25, 2019 4:21 PM

I'm the disabled child that has witnessed the murder, but am unable to communicate with the police, from my wheelchair, due to being mute from birth.

by Anonymousreply 216January 25, 2019 4:35 PM

I'm the witness who can't speak English. I cause a flurry of telephone calls by the front desk sarge to find a competent interpreter.

by Anonymousreply 217January 25, 2019 4:38 PM

R215, I love that he is obviously sucking in his gut and hunching his shoulders slightly. Actors in British TV shows until recently have all looked like human beings. In the last few years they have become to look as plastic as their US counterparts.

by Anonymousreply 218January 25, 2019 10:34 PM

They don't make Riteish detectives like they used to do, do they R218

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by Anonymousreply 219January 25, 2019 11:03 PM

R215 - And he's OLD here! (Should have seen him in "Reckless")!

R214

by Anonymousreply 220January 25, 2019 11:39 PM

R219 - If they would only hire people like me they wouldn't NEED detectives!

by Anonymousreply 221January 25, 2019 11:43 PM

This is getting off topic, but Robson (with Jerome) had the top selling single in the UK back in 1995.

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by Anonymousreply 222January 25, 2019 11:47 PM

I'm the outraged mob surrounding the van and trying to break through the line of PCs holding them back, with blacked out windows, carrying the (innocent) suspect into the station for questioning after a disgracefully public arrest at the council estate from which several kids have disappeared.

by Anonymousreply 223January 26, 2019 2:16 PM

Robson Green is married to a woman who is like 10 years older than he is. I've often wonder why he robbed the grave.

by Anonymousreply 224January 26, 2019 2:26 PM

Thanks for the recommendation, R209. I also need to get hold of the latest Grantchester eps.

I did not expect that voice from Robson.

by Anonymousreply 225January 26, 2019 2:33 PM

Robson Green's sex appeal is his eyes. He has really beautiful eyes.

On Grantchester, Little Mo from EastEnders plays his wife. She's so lucky.

by Anonymousreply 226January 26, 2019 2:37 PM

[quote]I also need to get hold of the latest Grantchester eps.

Season 4 episode 3 really pushes the gay agenda. A lesbian couple AND two gay couples. In a small town in the 1950s no less.

by Anonymousreply 227January 26, 2019 2:39 PM

R222, apparently there was a bit of a scandal that they were auto-tuned or something similar. Robson recorded another album several years later. It apparently bombed.

by Anonymousreply 228January 26, 2019 4:23 PM

You lot know that the author of the Sidney Chambers-Grantchester mysteries, James Runcie, is the son of the late Archibishop of Canterbury, Robert Runcie, who performed the ill-fated marriage between Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer, right?

Do we think Runcie based the despairing tied up in knots Sidney Chambers on our benighted PoW?

by Anonymousreply 229January 26, 2019 4:39 PM

I'm the audience that will suspend disbelief over the very obvious facts. Sidney Chambers and Father Brown are ministers. Their job is to prepare Sunday service, minister to their local parish, perform marriages, baptisms and death. When do they have time to run around chasing murderers and solving crimes? Additionally, while we have seen that both men have superiors in the Church, those superiors never really seem to be worried that they aren't ministering to their flock.

by Anonymousreply 230January 26, 2019 4:45 PM

[quote] Do we think Runcie based the despairing tied up in knots Sidney Chambers on our benighted PoW?

The PoW never gets as much sex as Sidney Chambers does.

by Anonymousreply 231January 26, 2019 4:49 PM

230 in addition, Sidney Chambers is a drunk who was having an affair with a pregnant married woman...even in an Episcopal/Anglican diocese of today, it would be hard to imagine they would tolerate his antics.

by Anonymousreply 232January 26, 2019 5:18 PM

[quote] Sidney Chambers and Father Brown are ministers.

Father Brown is a Catholic priest.

by Anonymousreply 233January 26, 2019 5:23 PM

[quote] Sidney Chambers is a drunk who was having an affair with a pregnant married woman...even in an Episcopal/Anglican diocese of today, it would be hard to imagine they would tolerate his antics.

Wait until you get to Season 4. In episode 3, there is a lesbian couple and two gay couples. This was happening at the same time that Alan Turing was charged and convicted. It's hardly plausible that any of these people would live in open relationships in Grantchester knowing about Turing.

by Anonymousreply 234January 26, 2019 5:26 PM

R234 It sounds as though it has become really far-fetched.

A few years ago I went to an art exhibition at Reading Prison, where Oscar Wilde was imprisoned. You were able to enter his cell, which had been restored to how it was when he was there, including his (limited) books. The area where prisoners were hanged was visible from his cell, and caused his fragile mental state to deteriorate even more.

Some cells had graffiti from Irish political prisoners, and as part of the exhibition, letters they wrote before being hanged. Very moving.

by Anonymousreply 235January 26, 2019 6:10 PM

R235 - They always end up going too far and beinding a decent idea too far out of shape. They did the same thing with Sherlock, which was charming for about the first four episodes and then got ridiculous.

The Reading Prison exhibition sounds as it was worth visiting, I'm sorry I didn't know of it. I looked up the place after reading your post, and it has a rather interesting history aside from Widle's internment there.

R230 - I doubt the authorities in St. Mary Meade would have tolerated the meddling of Miss Marple, either.

What I found so utterly challenging was Sidney's turning to the priesthood at all.

Perhaps if they'd gotten someone a bit less rugged, tall, handsome, and, er, carnal it would have worked better.

He just didn't seem the type.

by Anonymousreply 236January 26, 2019 10:25 PM

*bending

by Anonymousreply 237January 26, 2019 10:25 PM

[quote] Perhaps if they'd gotten someone a bit less rugged, tall, handsome, and, er, carnal it would have worked better.

I can understand him lusting after the one woman who got married. They set that premise up in the beginning and it made sense (even though the actress was a bit ugly and Sidney could have done better). But all the other women he banged just didn't make sense. He's supposed to be the moral guide of the community and I'm assuming that meant no sex out of wedlock.

And poor Tessa Peake-Jones still gets fourth billing even though she's the most recognizable going all the way back to the popular "Only Fools And Horses." (Sorcha Cusak who plays the same function on Father Brown gets billed second). In the new season, Robson Green gets top billing.

by Anonymousreply 238January 26, 2019 10:41 PM

R239 - Yes, the One That Got Away premise made sense - although I don't think she was ugly, it was just the very long nose; I rather salute the actress for not going what everyone else seems to do and nipping it. The premise worked for awhile, but what didn't work was that they made it very obvious she loved him and had he asked her to marry him, would have in a shot. They never quite set up well enough why he didn't ask her to marry him. The reason "Oh, a poor Vicar's wife . . ." just didn't fly. She didn't seem that shallow. That's where it all fell down.

by Anonymousreply 239January 26, 2019 10:57 PM

I’m the American. I might be a film director or a scientist living in the UK. I will say “goddamned” a lot. I will also say - hey, gee, golly & call people names like “goodie two shoes.” I call English people “limeys” because that’s what Americans called English people in WWII. I’m mostly concerned with money.

“I can’t be expected to spend a lot of time on this production/experiment, constable, because goddamn it, time is money. Hey, kid! Get away from there, goddamn it. That cost a bundle! Gee, doesn’t anyone around here pay attention to a budget?”

My skimping on costs leads to several deaths, which I cover up by framing some wonderful old goody two shoes British person, played by a national treasure.

by Anonymousreply 240January 26, 2019 11:15 PM

r239, I sort of felt that there must have been a division in the writer's room or between the showrunner and the writers. They set up the "One That Got Away" premise and in Season 1, you could go along with that. But in the middle of that came the German widow who Sidney fell for. All I can think about the German widow was that they were trying to set up conflict (oh, the vicar is falling for a Nazi) but it never really worked.

I think the one that got away should have been fleshed out more. They started off as friends and she even says she never understood why he didn't ask her to marry. There's that lovely flashback scene where they are in the museum looking at art and making fun of the one painting. And you can really see that they could have worked as a couple. But it did sort of go off the rails. And by the end of Season 3, Sidney really looks like a jerk because he gets carried away and makes promises he never keeps. I'm wondering if the writers had to deal with the actress not being available to continue the show because they just dump her character and in Season 4, Sidney falls in love (in one day, no less) with a whole other type of woman.

by Anonymousreply 241January 26, 2019 11:16 PM

I'm Father Brown Season 7, episode 4 and I prove r240's point to the letter. I'm a bigoted American Episcopal priest, with an American Southern accent no less, who somehow has invested money in a girl's finishing school in that small town in England. How in the hell an American Southern priest got money and is now living in small town England, and would use his money to invest in a girl's finishing school, is never explained. But we don't need no stinking character development when it comes to bashing an American.

by Anonymousreply 242January 26, 2019 11:23 PM

R222 is a dick wilter. It finally got me over my lust for Robson Green.

by Anonymousreply 243January 27, 2019 3:51 AM

I'm the non-specific and overly nasal accent of that "American" character.

by Anonymousreply 244January 27, 2019 11:24 AM

"Tales of the Unexpected" often had these generic American voices - straight out of 1950s B movies.

by Anonymousreply 245January 27, 2019 11:28 AM

R241 - Totally agree - too many character and story inconsistencies. I think what they tried to do is keep him amorous but single so available as a fantasy to his fans. It's an old-fashioned way of doing things. I could be wrong about that, but that's what it looks like. The German widow was very nicely played I thought, and having her ditch him for one drunken night on the town didn't make sense, either.

by Anonymousreply 246January 27, 2019 2:43 PM

I'm the hidden diary the DIs recover from the murdered teen's room with a couple of crucial pages ripped out.

I'm also the Internet sex predator the DIs try to catch by pretending to a 12 year old girl misunderstood at home, the type the predator targets.

by Anonymousreply 247January 27, 2019 3:13 PM

I am the boxy Vauxhall Astra.

by Anonymousreply 248January 27, 2019 10:05 PM

R248 - I'm going to live high and be Morse's 1960 Mark II red Jaguar. (Another factoid: it was sold for £100,000 when the series ended.)

I'm also the DI who was born a titled aristo but became a copy, but whose working-class junior partner can't get past the title.

by Anonymousreply 249January 28, 2019 8:02 PM

*became a cop (not copy)

R249

by Anonymousreply 250January 28, 2019 8:02 PM

Rural England is more crime ridden than Chicago

by Anonymousreply 251January 28, 2019 8:06 PM

R251 - Sherlock always thought there was something ghastly about rural England in terms of evil. Some of the best Holmes stories are set outside London, notably the Hound of the Baskervilles, The Speckled Band, The Lion's Mane . . . not that London didn't have plenty to offer. Where Sherlock didn't seem to venture was other cities like Liverpool, Birmingham, Manchester - it was either London or the country.

However, you can google the highest crime rates in our green and pleasant land, and they aren't in rural England - West Yorkshire is a metropolitan county and I think heads the list right now, with twice the rate of, say, Devon and Cornwall.

So your statement is a bit too broad.

by Anonymousreply 252January 28, 2019 8:13 PM

I'm the disappointed fans bitching when the show finally runs out of ideas and is cancelled.

by Anonymousreply 253January 29, 2019 4:52 PM

I'm the lack of violence.

by Anonymousreply 254January 30, 2019 10:05 PM

I'm the opinion piece in The Guardian face-palming about all the graphic gore and violence but giving the show four stars for writing, acting, and diversity casting.

by Anonymousreply 255January 30, 2019 10:53 PM

I'm a torch. I imperfectly illuminate the dark, dank scary house where the dismembered body is located. I provide more "atmosphere" than just turning on the light switch.

by Anonymousreply 256January 30, 2019 10:54 PM

I'm the idiot girl going out into the hall in her nightie with just a torch to investigate the strange footsteps or slamming window, instead of locking the bedroom door and either phoning 999 or jumping out the bedroom window and running for it.

Or is that more the horror genre?

by Anonymousreply 257January 30, 2019 10:59 PM

I’m the villain who, in the first 10 minutes of the show, expresses his abiding love for, say, swans (see Sean Bean in Red Riding trilogy) which we really know stands in for his love of maiming children. However he won’t be caught by the cops until the last 10 minutes of the show.

by Anonymousreply 258January 30, 2019 11:32 PM

I'm the flat or lockup that, when the detectives finally find it and break in, is covered in violent images of women being tortured, surveillance photos of several of the victims, and Bibllical verses about the frailty and evil of women.

Oh, and of his Mum, too.

by Anonymousreply 259January 31, 2019 1:08 AM

I'm the middle-aged and widowed detective. I stepped back from the brink of alcoholism. I am oblivious to all the attractive ladies who would like to make me a home-cooked dinner and bed down with me.

by Anonymousreply 260January 31, 2019 4:29 AM

I’m the total lack of knife crimes, which are actually rampant in the UK.

by Anonymousreply 261January 31, 2019 4:38 AM

R261, what shows are you watching? From Agatha Raisin to Wire in the Blood, knife crimes are extremely common.

by Anonymousreply 262January 31, 2019 10:37 AM

Wire in the Blood was about serial killers and sadistic knife use is not the sort of knife crime that’s the scourge of the UK, as I think you well know.

Tony Hill didn’t go around solving knife crimes.

by Anonymousreply 263January 31, 2019 11:45 AM

I am the tousled, late-50-something protagonist. I look, sound, dress, behave and present myself like a schlubby everyman/everywoman.

I get more hot tail than my boyishly intelligent young sergeant.

by Anonymousreply 264January 31, 2019 1:08 PM

R264 - I also have more hair on my chest and I always end up having to show the young sergeant how he jjumped to conclusions and let the perp play him like a fiddle.

R263 - If the local detective shows embarked on solving dailly knife crime they'd be doing nothing else and they'd lose their audience in a month. This isn't true cirme, it's drama dressed up in realism.

And believe it or not, the knife crime in Britain is the tip of the iceberg of organised crime bringing drugs into the country, now spreading from the cities - the "County Line" problem. Many of the kids wieding knives are their footsoldiers. No one will touch this on those shows because foreign names would be (accurately) pictured as the real powers. No one wants to be seen to be so politically incorrect as to target a specific ethnic group . . . like, for example, Russians. These shows need extensive story lines with twists. One season of No Offence runs as long as 8 episodes in which one or two cases are followed. You don't get that with a kid stabbed several times because he wouldn't give his bike to a local kid his own age wielding a knife. That's just how it works.

The list of relative corruption of nations came out this week. The least corrupt country in the world, predictably, was Denmark. The most corrupt country, equally predictably, was Somalia. Out of a possible 100pts for Good Government, the UK dropeed a few notches down to 80. It might not seem a very low score - but for a country with the UK's pretensions, it's embarrassing. I'd say there's plenty of meat here for something more than knife crime.

I'll be the local DCI (say, in Devon) looking at a stabbing on the high street of a 16 year old until he realises that it wasn't random, and the case really involves a County Line drug operation with kickbacks leading directly back to . . . HQ.

by Anonymousreply 265January 31, 2019 2:25 PM

[quote]I'll be the local DCI (say, in Devon) looking at a stabbing on the high street of a 16 year old until he realises that it wasn't random, and the case really involves a County Line drug operation with kickbacks leading directly back to . . . HQ.

r265 - sounds like a case for AC-12!

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by Anonymousreply 266January 31, 2019 2:57 PM

I'm the line of policeman that walk abreast through a field when they are looking for a clue. I've never seen this in American shows.

by Anonymousreply 267January 31, 2019 3:27 PM

I saw it in an Atom Egoyan film... does that count?

by Anonymousreply 268January 31, 2019 3:33 PM

R265 McMafia wasn't a procedural and it didn't do the country lines angle but it was about organized crime involving Russians.

Procedurals have used corruption in HQ as a storyline as R266 said. Plus the first series of the procedural about the scruffy detective who is in love with the sociopathic polymath has a corrupt cop involved in organized crime.

by Anonymousreply 269January 31, 2019 6:23 PM

[quote]Procedurals have used corruption in HQ as a storyline

There was just an episode this season of Father Brown that had HQ corruption.

by Anonymousreply 270January 31, 2019 6:30 PM

R266 - If only - don't hold your breath.

R265

by Anonymousreply 271January 31, 2019 9:35 PM

R269 - I forgot about McMafia. Great show, I thought.

by Anonymousreply 272January 31, 2019 9:37 PM

I'm the BAFTA award for Best Actress for the glaringly unglamourous lead actress who plays the lonely but dedicated DCI of the unit, after which the programme runs out of steam - like this thread.

by Anonymousreply 273February 3, 2019 12:48 AM

I am the grande mama who holds the homelife together, and provides a shoulder for teenage daughter to cry on.

by Anonymousreply 274February 3, 2019 12:55 AM

I'm Sarah Phelps. I'm determined to turn classic cozy mysteries into grubby morose messes.

by Anonymousreply 275February 3, 2019 1:24 AM

R275 - Didn't Sarah Phelps do that excellent television adaptation of And Then There Were None a couple of years ago, now famous for Aidan Turner's towel scene? I watched the interview with her on the DVD about adapting the story, and she struck me as, er, seriously eccentric. I thought her work on ATTWN very good.

by Anonymousreply 276February 3, 2019 1:35 AM

Yes, R275, and to be fair I did think her ATTWN was pretty good. But her succeeding Christie adaptations have strayed further and further from the path. Just watched her version of The ABC Murders and found it just plain bad. I started typing a long paragraph about it, but it would be off topic. I wonder if that interview you mentioned is on Youtube.

by Anonymousreply 277February 3, 2019 9:47 AM

I'm the wife back home when the detective comes home after a frustrating day trying to identify the killer.

Because I'm a woman, I have intuition. Ignore my subtle comments at your peril if you really want to solve the crime...

by Anonymousreply 278February 3, 2019 10:20 AM

R277 - Don't know if that interview is on YouTube, it was fairly extensive, and for what it's worth, to me ther pertinent points in her discussion were theses: she reminded me, where this particular Christie story was concerned, that it was published in 1939 as the shadows gathered over Europe, and it reflected the darkening sense of foreboding that blanketed Britain and Europe at the time. The story was so familiar and has been done so many times in so many ways, that I never thought about its origins. It was also, in this day and age, interesting to hear that people were shocked at its violence at the time, almost a prediction of the shocking bloodletting ahead of Europe. Those were to me the pertinent points about the interivew, in case you can't find it. We take some literary works for granted decades later without thinking of what was going on at the time they were written and published.

by Anonymousreply 279February 3, 2019 2:18 PM

I'm the darts game at the local. Through the banter I summarize the shady reputation of the house on the hill or the nasty thing that happened in the manor house back in the day.

by Anonymousreply 280February 3, 2019 4:01 PM

[quote]No one will touch this on those shows because foreign names would be (accurately) pictured as the real powers. No one wants to be seen to be so politically incorrect as to target a specific ethnic group . . . like, for example, Russians.

Yeah we have the same thing in the US. Most violent crime in American cities is perpetrated by black and Hispanic males but you can’t accurately portray that in shows without being accused of furthering negative stereotypes.

The result is ridiculous. My favorite is on the 80s show Hill Street Blues, which had an Irish American street gang. Yeah, so relatable! Lol

by Anonymousreply 281February 3, 2019 6:29 PM

I'm the brave DI, good looking but expendable, killed by the perp early on, spurring the entire unit to a vengeful frenzy.

by Anonymousreply 282February 4, 2019 9:06 PM

I'm the kidnap car found burnt out by the side of a layby but with enough DNA in the boot to confirm the victim was in the car - but not whether she was in it when it was abandoned and burnt.

The clock is ticking - can they find the psychopath's hideaway in time to prevent the from killing his latest 15 year-old-victim after toying with her for a few days?

by Anonymousreply 283February 5, 2019 10:06 PM

I'm all of the uncut cock on the police force.

by Anonymousreply 284February 5, 2019 10:19 PM

I'm the still-Edwardian looking drawing room of the country house where the amateur local detective in the strange hat and with sharp birdlike eyes (who shall remain nameless) and the long-suffering local DI (who hates the amateur but puts up with her as she too often turns out to be right) gather all the suspects and go through the list one by one till they get to the real perp, whilst a nostalgic audience who don't really care who the perp is looks longingly at the cheerful fireplace, the doo-dads on the mantlepiece, the striped wallpaper, the silk-shaded lamps, Kidderminster carpets, lead-paned windows, thinking,

Why the fuck isn't life like that any longer?

by Anonymousreply 285February 5, 2019 10:32 PM

I’m the English class the PC observes the last 2 minutes of before questioning a student or teacher. The text studied - Macbeth, Oedipus Rex, perhaps an Eminem lyric - will, naturally, be reflective of the case.

by Anonymousreply 286February 16, 2019 10:11 PM

[quote]I am Nicola Walker. I'll show up sooner or later.

We’re Alex Jennings and Indira Varma. If you are looking for a friendly, attractive, cheating spouse, we’re your actors!

by Anonymousreply 287February 16, 2019 10:14 PM

I’m the token woman (plus maybe black and/or Hispanic). I show up for around 15 seconds and add nothing to the plot.

by Anonymousreply 288February 16, 2019 10:18 PM

^ Hispanic? Not unless it’s set in Marbella.

by Anonymousreply 289February 16, 2019 10:21 PM

I’m Jed Mercurio and my guest stars are better than your guest stars.

by Anonymousreply 290February 16, 2019 11:22 PM

I'm the expendable supporting cast member - the minute I appear you know right away I won't make to the end of the first episode and will probably be the first victim that provides the platform for the case, but no one will remember what I look like by the time they catch the perp.

by Anonymousreply 291February 17, 2019 2:59 PM

I am the fairly well know actor in what appears to be a nothing role. I must be the perp, because no actor of my standing would take a role in a detective procedural drama unless I had a had at least one really showy dramatic scene.

by Anonymousreply 292February 17, 2019 5:45 PM

^^^^^^

David Warner

by Anonymousreply 293February 17, 2019 7:00 PM

I'm "pleece", "crate", "vunerable".

by Anonymousreply 294February 18, 2019 12:26 AM

I am the working class lout. I was a petty thief, drunk, or drug user, but I am turning my life around because I have a new baby. I will make a stupid mistake that will destroy everything I have worked so hard for.

by Anonymousreply 295February 18, 2019 1:07 PM

I'm DCI Tennison.

Bow down!

by Anonymousreply 296February 18, 2019 2:26 PM

R295 - And I'm George Gently - you wouldn't find me shagging a subordinate! (Not that I blame you, he was hot.)

by Anonymousreply 297February 18, 2019 2:46 PM

I am words like "nowt," "plonker," "bog-standard," and "shirty" that baffle American viewers.

by Anonymousreply 298February 18, 2019 5:50 PM

I'm Michael Kitchen and John Thaw. We're smoldering hot daddies.

by Anonymousreply 299February 18, 2019 7:17 PM

I'm the suspect's "slicitor" [sic]. I usually sit in the interrogation and say nowt, but shake my head if the question is OK to answer.

by Anonymousreply 300February 18, 2019 7:20 PM

I’m “No comment,”

by Anonymousreply 301February 18, 2019 7:27 PM

R299 - I'm Laurence Fox, tagging along after DI Lewis, and hoping that this will finally turn me from a C-lister to an A-lister. If only I could something about that platypus walk.

by Anonymousreply 302February 18, 2019 7:36 PM

Can we add Commonwealth detective procedural drama? We're missing a wealth of material by not doing so.

I want to be DI Mike Shepherd.

by Anonymousreply 303February 18, 2019 7:38 PM

I'm the aristo DCI pretending to be ordinary because I opted for a career in the police, but my working-class partner has my number and always turns out to be right about my blind spots - including about my wife.

by Anonymousreply 304February 18, 2019 11:48 PM

We’re Jeffrey and Mary Archer. Our lives are frequently fictionalised in dramas as an oversexed purjured writer and a fragrant political wife but as we are now persona non grata in the Conswrvative Party there is no one to complain to.

by Anonymousreply 305February 19, 2019 12:12 AM

I'm "grassed," "nicked," "bent," "stitched-up," "fitted up," and a "wide boy."

by Anonymousreply 306February 20, 2019 3:58 AM

I'm "knackered", "chuffed", and a "bellend".

by Anonymousreply 307February 20, 2019 12:42 PM

R307, aren't we all.

by Anonymousreply 308February 20, 2019 12:49 PM

R308 - Bollocks to that . . .

(Sorry, I had to.)

by Anonymousreply 309February 20, 2019 4:27 PM

I'm the scenery which veers wildly between the depressing (high rise council houses, miserable Birmingham suburbs, poverty stricken rural streetscapes) and the twee (chocolate box Cotswold villages, urban lofts with Swedish furniture, romantic cliffs with crashing waves so a mournful DCI and stare out to see somewhere in Wales or the outer Hebrides).

by Anonymousreply 310March 9, 2019 10:07 AM

I'm mother's tv. It's the only time I watch it. What happened first? Second?

by Anonymousreply 311March 9, 2019 4:34 PM

I'm the pensioner watching Prime Suspect and wondering what the fuck happened to the Carry On shows?

by Anonymousreply 312March 11, 2019 7:32 PM

I'm "tosser." I'm used by bantering coppers teasing each other affectionately, or I'm used by coppers who are berating suspects abusively.

by Anonymousreply 313March 11, 2019 7:42 PM

I'm "twat" and "pillock" bandied about at each other by the cops and no one goes to HR about sexual harassment.

by Anonymousreply 314March 11, 2019 7:51 PM

I'm an ould craggy farmer sayin,' "I ope yeer nawt sujjestin my soon kens wot that means," and you realize he looked like this in 1965

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by Anonymousreply 315March 11, 2019 7:54 PM

I'm the DI on the take from the local drug lord who keeps leaking the date and time of the next bust; I'm also the best looking cast member, so I have to be taken out at the end so the department still retains its scruffy artistic verisimilitude to the regional environs.

by Anonymousreply 316March 11, 2019 9:11 PM

I'm an ASBO.

by Anonymousreply 317March 12, 2019 3:53 PM

I'm the tired cliche!

Episode 1 of London Kills, a rookie policewoman sees a mutilated body and runs off into the bushes to vomit.

by Anonymousreply 318March 12, 2019 8:36 PM

R317 for the win!

by Anonymousreply 319March 13, 2019 12:06 AM

I’m the female corrupt cop. I am often pitiable and sympathetic but the best indication I’m truly one of the bad guys when push a dorky but righteous colleague, I batter my husband, cocktease my boss and, worst of all, grin smugly at the cute rookie internal affairs interviewers when I taunt him during an interview!

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by Anonymousreply 320March 25, 2019 12:54 PM

Mark Bonnar is hot as hell. It's always a treat when he turns up unexpectedly like on Shetland. Speaking of Shetland, Douglas Henshall in ANGELS AND INSECTS had the first erect cock I saw on TV outside of porn. Ring toss, anyone?

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by Anonymousreply 321June 20, 2019 2:12 PM

I the guest star who had my own TV drama in the early 1980s stepping out of semi-retirement for 5 scenes on Miss Marple because I need 10,000 quid to fix my roof.

by Anonymousreply 322July 15, 2019 7:41 PM

I condole you, R322.

by Anonymousreply 323July 16, 2019 5:48 PM

I'm the replacement actor for the original star detective of the iconic successful initial series only to see the series tank after I take over the part.

by Anonymousreply 324July 16, 2019 9:20 PM

I'm r281, ignoring the fact that many homicide VICTIMS are also black and Hispanic males. You wouldn't know that from Dateline or Law and Order shows, where most homicide victims are socialites or pretty blonde sorority girls.

by Anonymousreply 325July 16, 2019 11:13 PM

Love this thread

by Anonymousreply 326July 17, 2019 3:35 AM

I'm the tiny British village with an insane homicide rate. Half the people who live in me are serial killers.

I'll also be the local police force for this town. I've never solved a single one of the 456 murders here. All those murders were solved by a vicar, priest, or busybody old lady.

by Anonymousreply 327July 17, 2019 5:30 PM

I'm the long-suffering DCI who keeps telling the busybody old lady or the amateur detective vicar to keep their noses out of it and then has to eat crow when the old lady or the vicar turn out to be right.

by Anonymousreply 328July 17, 2019 11:05 PM

R325 - If you think most of Law and Orders have only socialites or young blonde girls as homicide victims, you've been watching very selectively.

by Anonymousreply 329July 17, 2019 11:12 PM

I'm the divorced, single mum recovering alcoholic Inspector.

by Anonymousreply 330July 18, 2019 12:39 AM

I'm the abusive ex-husband of the R330, newly married myself and constantly threatening to take the children away from her.

by Anonymousreply 331July 18, 2019 12:41 AM

I'm R330's superior officer. I tolerate all her crazy behavior because we were rookies together. And because she used to be a good cop before the divorce/shooting/PTSD/drugs/fibromyalgia/whatever.

by Anonymousreply 332July 18, 2019 11:50 AM

I'm the audience. I'm between 65 and 100 years old.

by Anonymousreply 333July 18, 2019 1:20 PM

I'm the "chips". I'm called french fries in the US. I am always served in a paper cone and eaten in almost every single episode of every single detective show, usually by the overweight DCI who has had heart-scares and has been told repeatedly not to eat me OR drink the copious amounts of whiskey I so adore at the end of every lonely day.

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by Anonymousreply 334July 18, 2019 2:45 PM

I'm also the Scotch egg. I show up pretty frequently as well. I'm probably pretty tasty but seem completely disgusting (and scary) to the Americans watching the show.

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by Anonymousreply 335July 18, 2019 2:47 PM

"If you think most of Law and Orders have only socialites or young blonde girls as homicide victims, you've been watching very selectively."

Looks who's talking. Most of their shows do not have minority victims.

by Anonymousreply 336July 18, 2019 3:08 PM

I'm the matriarch of an old and distinguished family and I will protect our good name at all costs.

by Anonymousreply 337July 18, 2019 9:40 PM

I'm the perp who taunts the unit by periodically sending messages made of cut out letters pasted onto white paper, because I think they're so dumb. but forgets to conceal the fact that I can correctly spell three-syllable words and take all the letters from the FT.

by Anonymousreply 338July 18, 2019 10:36 PM

I'm the recognizable Brit actor whose name you can't quite remember. I'm playing the villain this week.

by Anonymousreply 339July 19, 2019 3:28 AM

R330 here again, running into snags on the case. R264 and I keep running up against the other in a negative fashion. In one overwritten scene, I stride into his office demanding answers. He patronises me and he's in the position to do so. I say something like "I didn't come here for tea!" and storm out. But there's electricity between us, everyone knows that. Even though it's a frightfully poor decision, he's damaged, I'm damaged, we will be fucking like rabbits after the break for the Pledge Drive.

by Anonymousreply 340July 19, 2019 3:33 AM

I'm the one BAME face in a quaint English seaside village with thatched roof cottages and picket-fenced rose gardens who looks glaringly out of place, but had to be worked into the plot despite it being obvious that I'm only in the show to prove its diversity creds and awareness of "how England looks now", even though England is still nearly 80% white, and may "look" that way in London, Manchester, Birmingham, Bradford, Luton, and Leeds, but distinctly does NOT in quaint English seaside villages with thatched roofs with picket-fence rose gardens where women still go to a local shop for a few groceries with baskets over their arms.

by Anonymousreply 341July 19, 2019 2:59 PM

I'm the ancient, right-wing old biddy at r341, I go into fits of rage if I see one actor who isn't caucasian

by Anonymousreply 342July 20, 2019 2:49 AM

I'm R342, the snowflake who turns off any programmme if there isn't at least one BAME face in the cast, no matter how absurdly out of place that face is or how contrary to the reality of time, place, or history.

Black population of Cornwall: 0.1% White population of Cornwall: 95.7% All other nonwhite population of Cornwall: 0.2% or less, including Asian, mixed race, Traveller/gypsies, etc.

If objection to manipulation of reality no matter how damaging to artistic versimilitude in order to push a sociological agenda qualifies as rightwing biddiness, said this old English queer and retired historical academic, so be it.

Guilty, m'lud.

Cultural appropriation is a two-way street.

by Anonymousreply 343July 20, 2019 2:51 PM

I'm the turd at r343 who uses "snowflake" as an insult because I picked it up from right wing sites. I'm a white supremacist with a low IQ! I'll complain about how it's unrealistic to show black people, but I won't complain about other unrealistic things (like the fact that people on tv are thinner and better looking than people in real life). I masturbate to pictures of Donald Trump.

by Anonymousreply 344July 21, 2019 2:32 AM

I'm the aristocratic suspect who cannot help but make snobbish comments to the detectives interrogating me at my graciously appointed home or office. Your class sympathies will make me out to be guilty, when actually I'm just fun to hate for a bit and am actually distracting you from the real killer.

by Anonymousreply 345July 21, 2019 2:39 AM

I'm SO FUCKING ANGRY this victim was taken away from his/her family all those years ago. S/he should've had a full life but was brought down in his/her prime, so let's go out there and bring him/her home from the place where his/her killer hid the body and let's bring that bastard to justice!!

by Anonymousreply 346July 21, 2019 3:07 AM

I'm the asshole in this thread who allows myself to be repeatedly baited by an obvious troll looking to derail the thread.. I give the troll what it wants. I'm a genius.

by Anonymousreply 347July 21, 2019 3:17 AM

R344 - Take some meds and stop derailing what was an enjoyable thread because you can't handle the fact that you're a fucking Stalinist who thinks art should 1) really reflect life, but 2) only life as you decree it should be.

Objections to Anglo actress playing Maria in West Side Story: perfectly appropriate. Objections to nearly menopausal black actress playing 18 year old historical white French princess in Henry V - or totally out of historical verismilitude working in of black faces in areas that are still to this day completely white: white supremacy.

And you're blocked.

by Anonymousreply 348July 21, 2019 1:55 PM

^*Henry VI (Margaret of Anjou, married Henry at age 17, recently played by a 47 year old British-Nigerian Sophie Okonedo to Tom Sturridges' 28 year old Henry, and looking more like his mother than his frisky young wife but no one would point to the elephant in the room because someone like the moron above might actually think that they're a white supremacist for pointing out the absurdity of the casting and its clear intent to send a message about "diversity" than give the art and they artist and English history its due.

Fuck off you sneering snowflake. I think I hear the pompous editorial staff of the BBC calling you.

by Anonymousreply 349July 21, 2019 2:01 PM

P.S. "Snowflake" is a mainstream term, you'll find it has been used in the TIMES and the Guardian, among other "rightwing websites".

by Anonymousreply 350July 21, 2019 2:17 PM

[Quote]I'm the recognizable Brit actor whose name you can't quite remember. I'm playing the villain this week.

I'm the crucial piece of dialogue that you miss because you're looking up the IMDb page for the show to figure out who he is because it's driving you crazy. And then when you figure out his name and go to his page and after scanning the long list of credits going back to 1986, realise you haven't seen any of those shows either so why does he look so familiar? Possibly he resembles another actor...

Tessa Peake Jones/Jacqueline Tong

by Anonymousreply 351July 21, 2019 5:31 PM

I'm the fragment of burnt paper the detective carefully tweezes out of the fireplace ashes except doesn't everyone use coal? or have a gas fire? Who burns wood in a fireplace in England even 50-75 years ago? Or when they make a bonfire in the backyard and chuck in the evidence, sending up a smoke signal to the entire village, but nobody notices and calls the fire department.

by Anonymousreply 352July 21, 2019 5:40 PM

I'm the older partner of the young, hot police constable. I'm ready to pack it in. I've got my savings and I'll be getting my pension once I retire. The wife and I plan to do a bit of travel.....maybe Australia or New Zealand, that would be nice. Maybe invest in a holiday caravan, might spend a few weeks in it ourselves before the season. Spend a week or two during winter in Spain or Greece. We deserve it, after all. I've been beaten, stabbed, shot, run over, beaten & stabbed again, fallen off a roof chasing a bad 'un, been locked in an ancient wine cellar and been knocked over the head with a blunt inject only to find myself awaken chained to a wall, where I slowly see through my blurry eyes that the serial killer I've been tracking down has strapped a bomb to his body and is going to blow us both to kingdom come. Luckily, my hot young sidekick has rescued me every time.

And my wife....well, she's stuck with me the whole time, hasn't she? So many nights at home on her own with the kids,, so many family gatherings she missed because I was in hospital, unconscious or recovering from my latest dust up with the toe rags and the scrotes out there. Raised our kids on her own, near.

Then I invest in a sure thing/use my money to ransom my daughter from a crime syndicate/ handed all my money over to my spiv brother who swears he'll get it back to me before my wife even notices what I've done.

Well......it didn't work out, did it? My own bloody fault. Now I'll have to return to the show for a few more seasons even though I'm clearly too old to be a copper. It's the only way the writers could work it out, because my character has become so popular that the show wouldn't be the same without me.

by Anonymousreply 353July 21, 2019 5:41 PM

r348, the fact that you throw "Stalinist" around as an insult just proves that you're a right-wing moron. Funny that you whine about "art" since hardly anyone in the arts is a conservative like you.

by Anonymousreply 354July 21, 2019 5:43 PM

I'm Nicola Walker, glowering at the suspect with my strong, masculine features.

by Anonymousreply 355July 21, 2019 5:44 PM

I'm the DCI with a stellar record of solving tough crimes. except the one that deprived me of my wife and/or daughter. I've been obsessively on the hunt for the perp for years and it's been clouding my judgement on every case since; in every episode someone says, "Are you sure you can handle this, don't you think you should let someone else take the lead on this?"

by Anonymousreply 356July 21, 2019 5:52 PM

I'm the line between "a bit hard to believe" and "fucking ridiculous." The show will vault over me in the penultimate episode.

by Anonymousreply 357July 22, 2019 12:50 PM

I'm the actor who used to be in the Royal Shakespeare Company but is now doing giving an over-the-top performance as the guest villain. I have gambling debts that I need to pay off.

by Anonymousreply 358July 22, 2019 4:13 PM

I'm the yellow teeth.

by Anonymousreply 359July 22, 2019 4:59 PM

I'm Ruth Sheen's wattle.

by Anonymousreply 360July 22, 2019 6:48 PM

I'm the curate who hoped to be promoted to vicar but another guy just showed up out of nowhere and got the job.

by Anonymousreply 361July 22, 2019 7:59 PM

I'm the people on this thread who do not understand that Poirot mysteries are not detective procedurals.

by Anonymousreply 362July 22, 2019 8:11 PM

Miss Marple mysteries are also not detective procedurals, r322.

by Anonymousreply 363July 22, 2019 8:12 PM

I'm the audience who's mystified at why I'm supposed to cheer on the mannerless, insulting, demanding, domineering, sneering autistic detective/civilian crime specialist when I'd refuse to work with him/her IRL

by Anonymousreply 364July 22, 2019 8:52 PM

I'm the Met psychiatrist (female, extremely attractively, naturally, with great legs that I keep provacatively crossed in a short skirt) assigned to work with the sullen (straight male) DCI forced to attend sessions after exhibiting low inhibition inclindations when arresting suspects accused of sex crimes.

by Anonymousreply 365July 22, 2019 9:02 PM

I'm Roy Marsden's (Inspector Dalgleish) balding scalp.

I'm Benedict Cumberbatch's (modern Sherlock) narrow shoulders.

I'm Jonny Lee Miller's (American updated Sherlock) too short legs.

I'm Laurence Fox's (Sgt. Hathaway in Inspector Lewis) duck walk.

I'm Robbie Coltrane's (Cracker) enormous girth.

I'm Robson Green's (D.I. Creegan in Touching Evil) fucking amazing blue eyes and luscious torso.

by Anonymousreply 366July 22, 2019 9:10 PM

I’m the new curate. I’m hot, too. It’s too early to be certain, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I, too, will have both a passion and a facility for detective work, and will find myself with plenty of spare time on my hands. What a coincidence, huh?

by Anonymousreply 367July 22, 2019 9:22 PM

R364 "I'm the audience who's mystified at why I'm supposed to cheer on the mannerless, insulting, demanding, domineering, sneering autistic detective/civilian crime specialist when I'd refuse to work with him/her IRL"

(Raises hand)

Because we'd all love to get away with that but we can't. we have to do the Yessir Nosir Three Bags Full Sir shit in our own jobs or we'd be sacked and there goes the mortgage and the kids' schools. So we smile and pretend to be "team players" and play nicely when underneath it all we'd like to talk to the boss and several obnoxious colleagues the way Sherlock talks to Lestrade.

by Anonymousreply 368July 22, 2019 11:04 PM

R362 HAS SPOKEN!

by Anonymousreply 369July 23, 2019 2:04 AM

Damn, r367 beat me to it with the Grantchester reference.....does that village not allow old, ugly guys to be vicars?

by Anonymousreply 370July 23, 2019 2:53 AM

I guess they think the audience would rather a clone of the character of Sidney rather than a new actor in the role.

by Anonymousreply 371July 23, 2019 4:49 AM

I wouldn't want to behave like the the annoying autistic criminal expert Professor T, but he's Belgian, not British.

by Anonymousreply 372July 23, 2019 5:00 AM

^^I thought that kind of applied to David Tennant in Broadchurch too.

by Anonymousreply 373July 23, 2019 3:40 PM

I’m Midsomer Murders, which is Nigel Farage at r348’s favourite show.

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by Anonymousreply 374July 23, 2019 3:56 PM

R374 - Full disclosure: I like Midsomer Murders, they always turn out to be a bit darker than one expects. However, my guess is that Farage stopped watching when Neil Dudgeon took over from John Nettle and the show began to lost its quintessential English Village look.

by Anonymousreply 375July 23, 2019 4:54 PM

^* lose (not lost)

by Anonymousreply 376July 23, 2019 4:54 PM

I'm the technicality that allows the serial killer to walk at the beginning of the show, grinning smugly as he leaves the Old Bailey, leaving the unit trying to find a way to nail the perp again whilst getting around double jeopardy.

by Anonymousreply 377July 24, 2019 8:55 PM

I'm the cop responsible for that technicality. I'm hitting the bottle now.

by Anonymousreply 378July 24, 2019 11:39 PM

Like you needed an excuse, R378.

by Anonymousreply 379July 25, 2019 8:22 AM

I've never understood British TV. They seem to be in denial about race relations. The only time they talk about racism is when discussing the US. As if the UK has no racist history. Bitch, please.

by Anonymousreply 380July 25, 2019 10:17 AM

[quote]I've never understood British TV. They seem to be in denial about race relations. The only time they talk about racism is when discussing the US. As if the UK has no racist history. Bitch, please.

They're not, actually. British drama is very "right on" bout race, but the issues of race are different to the USA, and bound up in class and colonialsm as opposed to slavery.

by Anonymousreply 381July 25, 2019 10:30 AM

Stop

answering

race

baiters.

by Anonymousreply 382July 25, 2019 11:23 PM

I'm the preturnaturally observant and articulate kiddie with specs in short pants who saw something crucial to the investigation and relates it casually to his Mum, who realises what it means and frantically calls the police, who then have to put the kid under guard as he's the only real witness to the crime.

by Anonymousreply 383July 26, 2019 3:20 PM

I am a supporting character who has recently finished a splashy real estate deal and I will be involved in White Collar crime.

by Anonymousreply 384June 18, 2021 8:38 AM

I'm the reason the detective is raising his daughter alone. I am the hot whore ex-wife who ran off and left the family with the detective's best friend. But don't be mad at your friend, Pity him because I'm already cheating on him too!

by Anonymousreply 385June 18, 2021 8:50 AM

I’m the mouthy late-teen child, or possibly step-child, the widowed detective is bravely raising with the occasional assistance of an asshole grandparent.

by Anonymousreply 386June 18, 2021 8:52 AM

I'm the defense lawyer who, during the police interrogation, just sits there and doesn't say anything while the suspect is giving answers to questions that will totally fuck him over.

by Anonymousreply 387June 18, 2021 9:03 AM

lol R387 they always do that in every crime drama. I'm always sitting there like WTF?

by Anonymousreply 388June 18, 2021 9:05 AM

No ethnics in MY show! We are the last bastion of Englishness.

by Anonymousreply 389June 18, 2021 9:12 AM

^he’s Jewish r389 which makes it a bit of a head scratcher

by Anonymousreply 390June 18, 2021 9:24 AM

I’m the show post-The Killing trying to jump on the Scandi Noir bandwagon by featuring many shots of the lead detective staring moodily out to sea, or if set inland, gazing out at the horizon after sneaking outside for a cigarette or escaping a merry pub full of *cringe* happy people.

by Anonymousreply 391June 18, 2021 9:31 AM

I'm the excellent moody theme music Barrington Pheloung wrote for the hugely successful PD James' Inspector Dalgleish, and Morse TV adaptations. The latter reused for the also hugely successful Morse prequel, "Endeavour".

What's a good DI without catchy theme music?

by Anonymousreply 392June 18, 2021 9:43 AM

I'm the depressing council estates where no one trusts the police but one resident is key to catching the perp and the DI has to win his or her trust (and somewhere in the background "Jerusalem" is playing).

I'm also the witness from the council estate who ends up dead after finally cooperating with the investigation.

by Anonymousreply 393June 18, 2021 1:01 PM

I'm the attorney who cautions my client to shut up once during the interrogation and then I never make another peep as my client completely incriminates himself.

by Anonymousreply 394June 19, 2021 1:48 AM

I am a pale imitation of Inspector Morse.

by Anonymousreply 395June 19, 2021 1:51 AM

I am the precious regional accents that are seemingly mandatory but add nothing to the storyline.

by Anonymousreply 396June 19, 2021 1:52 AM

I am Nina Sosanya doing a guest spot and I will try and seduce the lead detective

by Anonymousreply 397June 20, 2021 11:36 AM

I am the tight black jeans seductively hugging the body of Kenny Doughty.

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by Anonymousreply 398June 20, 2021 11:42 AM

I am r394, a pale imitation of r387 ;-)

by Anonymousreply 399June 20, 2021 11:59 AM

Indeed, those British defense attorneys seem to do nothing but take thorough notes.

by Anonymousreply 400June 20, 2021 12:01 PM

I am the scantily clad, nubile young woman running frantically through the woods flashing as much side-boob as humanly possible.

by Anonymousreply 401June 20, 2021 12:07 PM

I'm the character that's been a victim/perpetuater of incest. It's compulsory that I appear in every single British crime drama.

by Anonymousreply 402June 20, 2021 12:57 PM

I’m the grandfather clock in the hallway. A second is a second, but my seconds seem to last longer.

by Anonymousreply 403June 20, 2021 1:20 PM

I'm Laurence Fox's equine nine mentioned in one of the last episodes of Lewis. Also Inspector Half-a-gay's ambiguous sexuality.

by Anonymousreply 404June 20, 2021 1:34 PM

I'm the makeup that the lead female detective owns but never wears.

by Anonymousreply 405June 20, 2021 7:04 PM

I'm the meal of beans on toast that the detective will "cook" at least once on the show.

by Anonymousreply 406June 20, 2021 7:08 PM

I'm the pink lace panties the detective wears under his clothes on the weekends!

by Anonymousreply 407June 21, 2021 1:29 PM

Oooh, salty, R407!

by Anonymousreply 408June 21, 2021 2:59 PM

[quote] I am Nicola Walker. I'll show up sooner or later

And I’ll stutter to convey fear/anger cuz that’s my thing.

by Anonymousreply 409June 21, 2021 3:08 PM

I'm DC Morse, and I know which day of the week it is when I see—or smell—what kind of sandwich Mrs. Thursday has packed for my partner, DI Thursday.

by Anonymousreply 410June 21, 2021 3:15 PM

r410 Speaking of Mrs. Thursday--is "Win" a common nickname for "Winifred" in the UK? Because in the US, I've only heard of Winnie or Wini. (Or Freddie.)

by Anonymousreply 411June 21, 2021 4:40 PM

Win is basically the same as Winnie, I wouldn’t have noticed someone using one more than the other

by Anonymousreply 412June 22, 2021 2:09 AM
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