Merry Christmas to ALL! Except you, Christina.

Santa, please!

This ain't my first time at the North Pole!

Will you walk me to my sleigh?

I should have known you'd know where to find the elves AND the booze!

I think you're UNDERREACTING, Mrs Claus!

I'll get the Christmas cards out on time, okay?

You may keep the doll AND the bracelet....

Is this an institution of learning or a reindeer brothel?

Tear down that BITCH of a bearing wall....and put a Christmas tree where it OUGHT to be!

Merry Christmas OP!

I fix all of my uncles’ Egg Nogs this way.

I might as well have "Property of the North Pole" tattooed on my backside!

I'm not going to sleigh with you any more.

EVER!

You are not getting up from this table until you have finished. that. turkey.

But it's got all this brown gravy when I push on it!

Then don't push on it.

How many mince pies is that? When you were a kid that made you look jolly. Now it just makes you look old.

No more floral wire ever! Use the hot glue gun to adorn your holiday wreath.

Helga!

When you polish the floor, you have to MOVE the Christmas tree!

Where is your UNCLE FRANCHOT ?

Amateur.

Mothers Against Pint-Sized Harlots.

We women have to stick together!

And you embarrass me! In front of a Christmas Caroler!

Because I am NOT one of your ELVES!!!

I really needed this thread.

I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the SNOW.

Tina!

Bring me the ice pick!

I'm a genie in a bottle, bitch.

This is WONDERFUL Christmastime!

No wire ornament hangers. EVER!

The children were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that mommy’s special friend soon would be there.

And for chrissakes, keep them out of the nativity display!

She knows why.

You call that a gift?

I can handle the stockings

If you're caroling, you're wasting your time.

If you're not, you're wasting mine.

"Krampus". That's what he calls ya when he can't remember your name!

Just give me an eggnog and raise the goddamn cue cards!

I had 12 twelve days of Christmas with Franchot. I forgot them all.

Damn, I think r39 wins!

I have made no provisions for Christmas gifts this year for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina, for reasons that are known to them.

Hauling me over to Mayer's table like some Christmas floozy!

Aren't the pies enough?

It's Joan and her kids doing a Christmas broadcast! :

Oh, I HATE THIS SILENT NIGHT! It turns EVERYTHING into a crisis.

Do YOU think it's festive?!

That's the piece of rare meat you can keep.

No wire Christmas trees, ever!

Christina, bring me the Bon Ami!

Tired.

Christina!

Christopher!

DAMN IT!

Don't fuck with me, Santa!

This ain't my first time at a tree lighting ceremony.

I hate this silent NIGHT!

You, all of you here, and everywhere, gave me this present tonight!

And I accept it from you, and only you!

I LOVE ALL OF YOU!

We, the Poors salute you Joan.

You dried up, liquored up twat.

The North Pole is MY place.

"Clean up this mess!"

"How?"

"YOU finger it out!"

Time to take down the Christmas tree!

Have you butcges even written your Christmas thank-you cards yet? Mine were in the mail a week ago along with an autographed photo.

I'll get the Christmas cards out on time.

We'll have the Christmas goose for two, RARE.

The doctor says rare goose is full of vitamins!

But my goose has all this red juice when I push on it!

Ah, but nobody ever said Santa Claus was fair, Tina.

Then don’t push on it.

The part of Mrs. Claus at the mall? That's very good experience.

I'm gonna TELL it on the mountain.

Can't believe no ones mentioned Saturday Night Live's Mommie Dearest Christmas skit. It looks like the video isn't available, but there's a transcript that you can read. My favorite part is the presents Christina gets:

[ Joan hands Christina a present, which she opens to reveal an old steak ] Joan Crawford: Oh, look, Precious! It’s your cold, congealed, bloody steak from last night’s dinner that you GAGGED on! Now, Santa made me promise that I couldn’t give you any presents until you ate your meat! [ she grabs Christina’s face ] Now, don’t GAG on it!

She gets more meat from visitors Cary Grant and Clark Gable.

You were overacting too much., Christina, during the Girl Scout troop Christmas presentation of Hansel and Gretel I directed.

Good actresses don't gesticulate.

Now go to your room, and don't come out until I call you to bring me my coffee.

Merry Fucking Christmas, Momma. I bought you a present. Have fun organizing.