Boyfriends who ignore you when you're together, but when you dump them, they start chasing you around?

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I guess whatever they truely wanted,they got and it didn't measure up to you.Do they came running back after realizing the grass was greener in the other hoes yard.Curb him.....before he does it again

* getting back WITH him, not "to" him

For someone who wasn't going to post details, you'd better hope he's as dumb as a rock because that's not a very vague story.

P.S. This says SOOO much more about you than him. You're going to be one of those gays telling this story for years.

You want him.

You know it.

If you didn't, you wouldn't be whining about it here in such detail.

How was the sex?

Are you the one on the left or the right?

20-something drama.

[R4]

Spoken like a true user.

.....your going to be alone the rest of your life with that type of juvenile mentality

OP, you are 14 right?

He is a narcissist OP, plain and simple.

r9 No, but I'm perhaps not [italic]too[/italic] far away from that.

r5 I have no intention to get back with him. At our last date, he made me cry tears of rage. I do not even remember when it was the last time I'd cried before that.

If you have no intention of getting back with him, r11 why are you bothering us with it? What change do you wish to effect in your life?

OP / r8, I am married, with my husband at this moment and have been with him exclusively since October 2001, married in 2011. Before that I had another a long-term partner of nine years. That's 26 years of knowing how to be in gay male relationships.

But it is amazing how you know a "true user" and have declared me to be alone for the rest of my life. Speak for yourself.

I stand by comment. If you wanted this to be over, it would be over. It's clearly not.

R12 Be nice, OP is a gayling still figuring out his feelings. And it's still normal to NOT want to be with an ex and still obsess about him a wee bit. Let it out, OP, it helps!

If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back to you, kick em right in the nuts.

r13, I'm not r8.

I once had a fuck buddy I was madly in love with. I think he loved me in his own way, but he was a big narcissist who'd fuck other guys and brag about it to me. He was dead set about not getting into a relationship with anyone (despite how he'd attempt to with other guys and come crawling back to me every time). Funnily enough, when I'd fuck other guys and tell him about it, he acted super offended that I could possibly get sexual pleasure from anyone else.

Anyway, things drifted apart between us (he called things off via a text message like a royal asshole) and I started dating another guy who turned out to be the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the world. Literally the night I announced my engagement on Facebook, he texted me. He barely even texted me when we were fuck buddies and I hadn't spoken or communicated with him in any way for at least a year and a half, but he took this moment to contact me.

I always thought that was weird and maybe his way of reaching out and either apologizing or trying to get back together. He knew that I was no long attainable and that might have turned him on more than when I was. I've sorta felt bad for him ever since.

OP/r16, I'll leave that directed at R8 then, apologies. But I stand by my point that if you want it to be over and choose the mature route, tell him you heard him, date someone else and if he doesn't leave you alone you calmly tell him you've moved on. If you move on this will all go away.

[quote] I introduced Datalounge to him

That's probably why he dumped you

Be nice eldergays. We've all been gaylings before. Give kindly frau replies only.

Set up similar scenario where he tries to get your attention as you appear distracted with something. Then look at him, get up and leave. No explanation.

[R18]

Yeah first you accuse OP of loving the negative behavior then you flip flop to say what I said in my R8 comment.You don't sound like somebody who has been in longterm relationships. You blamed OP for his partners behavior, an old trick used by gay men when they are totally in the wrong.But you know that already....

R22, you have issues, clearly. This is my last post on the subject. OP didn't take what I said the way you are and I don't know how you claim to know what someone in a long-term relationship "sounds" like from reading a post, especially since you are misreading my post and projecting some strange hostility on it.

First of all, nothing I wrote in R4 blames OP for his "partner's" behavior. Let's break that down. OP didn't call the guy his "partner". He said he was his first serious boyfriend as in not a one-night stand and he wans't even SURE it could be called dating. Go back and read the OP. But I didn't anywhere blame him for something someone else did. All I wrote is that OP's story says more about him and and than it does about the other guy. Which it does, since he told more about his reactions than the other guy's story. How you read "blame" into that one line that I wrote about the OP is beyond me.

Second, in my follow-up post, I did not "flip flop" or adopt anything at all you wrote at R8, which was basically you dumping on me. I emphasized that what OP is telling is a story about why it's bothering him and I told him he could control his own reaction to it. That has nothing to do with blaming him for someone else's behavior. It's about letting the drama go. In the gay dating world (at least 20 years ago), my experience was that once I did that, the other guys disappear quite well from your life if you let them know you're not interested. Not blame, just experience.

And finally, I don't really care whether you think I've been in a long-term relationship or not. You don't know me at all. I don't even post on DL much anymore but was bored because my husband is out of town on a work trip. Believe what you want.

But for the record I've been in OP's shoes decades ago, caught up in drama caused by flakes in the dating world. I learned we make our own drama. We can walk away from it. That's how you learn to take care of yourself, be confident in yourself, and to know who is worthy of your love and attention and who isn't so that you are capable of real relatonships . If you want to be in a long-term relationship, you "date" people who want the same. You don't focus on guys who have never had them (as OP's first-time gay boyfriend was). You focus on guys who want relationships, who are mature, giving, etc. You don't dwell on people who aren't capable of that. OP described this guy as follows: "This was also the first time he had a relationship with someone of the same sex. " Would YOU expect this guy to be capable of being in a gay relationship? Being a boyfriend? With no record of it? Do enlighten us.

If you've been in long-term relationships, you should know what I am saying and shouldn't have issues with anything I said. Ciao.

[quote]You focus on guys who want relationships, who are mature, giving, etc. You don't dwell on people who aren't capable of that.

I "didn't dwell" earlier this year. I see him around from time to time, and I feel a little sad, but not as sad as I'd've felt if I'd continued mentally, or emotionally, being in whatever with him.

Some people only want what they haven't got. When they get it, it's no longer the object of their obsessive acquisitive desire, so they lose interest.

Therefore, OP, if he gets you back he'll lose interest in you again.

You obviously have unresolved feelings about him. You really really liked him, and it hurts for that not to be returned. The only way to deal with these feelings is to confront him with what he did and break up with him, or you can let go of it. Neither is easy. If you do meet with him. it doesn't have to be ugly and emotional, just factual. Something along the lines of, "Look, I want a boyfriend, but that doesn't seem to be what you want, so this isn't going to work out."

You could also write him a letter explaining it all and how you feel now. It is more for getting the mess outside yourself and putting it in some type of perspective, as either a first step to meeting him or letting go. You don't have to send it.

It seems like you were in the relationship for different reasons. He wasn't looking for a boyfriend. It was more a matter of sexual curiosity for him. If he is bisexual, then a gay relationship probably wouldn't work out in the long term for one so young. Being gay is difficult enough, but being bisexual is even more complicated. If he was seeing both girls and you at the same time, that can be quite a psychological juggling act. It doesn't excuse his behaviour, but it might explain it.

It seemed like he liked you, but not in the way you wanted, and that is what keeps hurting. Most of us have been there more than once. I hope you find some resolution.

Is this a treatment for a sweet valley high reboot?

It seems like an EST post. OP says he wasn't hung up on him or dwelled on him, but writes this:

* I just watched him go, completely humiliated.

* When I dumped him, all I wanted was for him to die.

* At our last date, he made me cry tears of rage. I do not even remember when it was the last time I'd cried before that.

These are not the statements of a stable person. The fact that the guy was able to be cool and blasé about this kind of drama makes him seem like a trooper.

R28, you're on the ex's side?

Who wrote anything about taking sides, R29? I just wrote that from the way the OP writes, the boyfriend's behaviour doesn't seem to be the worse of the two. None of us know these two (if they're real). The boyfriend could've been ideal for someone like OP (who else would put up with the hysterics?) or the worst thing for OP (the kind of behaviour that drives OP to "tears of rage"). OP has had one boyfriend and thinks he's about to get a new one. Could be young, could be destined to repeat this story. The problem could be OP as much as – not more, not less - the first boyfriend.

OP, assuming you're not an EST, I can probably tell you what happened. For starters, your opening paragraphs have GINORMOUS red flags:

[quote]A few months ago, I dumped the first serious boyfriend I ever had ... At the end of last year, I told a co-worker I was in love with him, we kissed, and from there we kind of started dating. I do not know if you can call what we had dating, but this was the first time I saw a guy regularly, that is, for something that was not just one night stands, and so it seemed serious to me. This was also the first time he had a relationship with someone of the same sex.

1. He was not your first "serious boyfriend." You dated for a while. Him simply being your first non-fuckbuddy isn't enough.

2. You're probably too young to understand this yet, but you were definitely not "in love with him" BEFORE you two became involved. You were infatuated. MAJOR difference.

3. In essence, he's acting like a high schooler - which is normal for gaylings who've never dated anyone before, but still. You didn't clarify whether your bf LITERALLY never previously "had a relationship with someone of the same sex" -- as in he was a total virgin who'd either been closeted and/or involved with women, or totally asexual until he met you -- but seeing as you mentioned your suspicion that he was still seeing women behind your back, I'm assume he's still closeted. Regardless, he's acting like an asshole for the same reason straight high school boys act like assholes: he's emotionally immature, not able to process his feelings in an adult fashion, and doesn't really understand how detrimental his actions can be towards others (namely you) until well after he's internalized the damage he's caused.

4. That said, YOU'RE acting like a high schooler as well - though in your case more like a high school girl. Blocking him on social media and refusing to even *listen* to his apologies is textbook teen-girl-drama material. Statements like "wanting him to die" after you broke up and "crying tears of rage" over it all are not indicative of even a vaguely mature relationship.

Anyway, the answer to your question is BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS (to those of us with experience under our belts, at least): he still cares about you, and he only pushed you away in the first place because he was scared of his feelings. This is true regardless of whether he's merely a gay newbie or if he's still full-on dating-women closeted. The problem, however, is that there's no realistic way for you to know whether he's *truly* worked through all of his coming-out angst; if you got back together, he could readily just end up dumping you again the next time he gets scared about "what's next" (e.g. admitting to himself, as well as his family and friends, that he's gay and that THAT IS TOTALLY OKAY).

That said, two gaylings dating almost invariably results in as much drama as two lesbians dating, which is why it's nearly always a terrible idea. If you really have someone new in the wings, go for it! As long as he's not another gayling, that is: the person you NEED to be dating at this stage in your life is someone who's been around the block at least a few times, and ideally someone who's previously had at least one real relationship. To further clarify: by "real relationship" I mean a COMMITTED, SERIOUS, MODERATELY LONG-TERM relationship (e.g. at least a year of something beyond mere dating).

As for why: for starters you need to get past your "gay adolescence," namely overreacting to relatively normal situations (like thinking you're "in love" with someone you barely even know on any real level, and overreacting in a petulant manner when he does something you don't like). You won't be able to discern the difference between infatuation, which is what you had with your ex (and again, that's ALL you had with him, even if right now you think it was "love"), and legitimate, long-lasting romantic love. You also need to get past your immaturity, as demonstrated in matters like endlessly obsessing over why someone acted the way they did.

This, R31. Spot on.

If OP is not an EST, he's saying on the one hand he said he was "in love" with him, then he was "in whatever" (see R24). He says he's not hung up or dwelling on him but is was driven to tears of rage, humiliated, etc. and has to have co-workers run interference for him and is now posting about him, wondering about him. Unless the guy he dated is a stalker, why not just say "I'm over you". The best reading of this is he's a kid who hasn't come to terms with what it feels like to be crushing on and panicking not knowing why the guy doesn't seem to feel the same. So he broke up with him to avoid it. He'll learn or he won't ... and there will be more tears of rage...

r32 Whoever posted at r24 is not me. As you can see, he or she posted before (eg at r12) to take jabs at me, so I don't get what he or she is trying to accomplish with that post. Maybe it's a newbie who doesn't know there's (still) a trolldar of sorts on Datalounge?

Much has been written in response to this thread since I last checked it. I'm very thankful for the effort to give me good advice and a more adult perspective (though the EST speculation takes a bit away from the goodwill). Maybe I will respond later.

OP, forget about this guy. Even if he actually cares about you, is scared of his feelings ... he's too high-maintenance to deal with. Being on his phone and literally playing games while with on a date with you is just plain rude. There's no cure for that, either. The ex-BF sounds like a "project" BF, needs lots of improvements and only a codependent person can help.

It sounds like you have someone else in mind, so just focus on your new prospect.

r33, if you really are as young as you have said, all of the advice you need has been given. Tell him next time you see him if he tries to talk to you you'd rather just move on. Then tell yourself you're moving on.

But as for being suspected an EST post, old time DLers are pretty good at spotting them, so if you did a good impersonation by accident here are some of the signs:

1. A long dramatic story that practically begs DLers to critique the OP's point of view as the OP appears to be his own problem.

2. A story that's inconsistent enough for people to call the OP on it. So as someone said above, here we have an OP saying he prefers not to give too many details because the ex is on DL, and then proceeds to give details enough that the ex in the story would clearly know it's him..... which means

3. The person posting as you and taking jabs at you will likely soon present himself as the ex BF, just to keep the thread going.

and oh yes....

4. Someone claiming to be very young and therefore likely new to DL and knowing an EST is more likely to be an EST.

[quote]Someone claiming to be very young and therefore likely new to DL and knowing an EST is more likely to be an EST.

That's a nonsequitur. It doesn't take too long to absorb the culture here. If you visit often enough, you're going to learn what an EST is in a week.

Plus, young people use the internet early. Anyone with a strong gay identity, or with strong gay interests, is going to happen on this site sooner than later.

Miss R35 knows the score

THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.....BITCH

Okay, OP. First you I told him that you loved him. Then you kissed. And then you started dating.

ENTIRELY BACKWARD. There's your problem.