What problem are you currently facing in your life? How will you solve it?

My Mom is dying, she probably won't make it through Christmas. I am devastated and trying to manage her finances. To add to everything, my 80+ y/o father is taking things badly and has his own health issues but is managing to make care for my Mom difficult. I am pretty sure that I will end my own life after Mom dies, I have nothing to live for and the only thing that stopped me from doing so in the past was that it would devastate my Mom.

Deciding whether I want a red or black interior in my new convertible.

R1, I'm so sorry you're in this position. As an only child with no other family, I was sole caretaker for my mother then my father. It's the hardest work of a lifetime but you will not regret it after some time has passed. Please reconsider your plans for the future.

I'm so sorry R1. There any counselling available for you? That's a lot to handle on your own.

^Is there (R4)

Work politics.

Calling in sick.

Hang in there r1. Life may take an unexpected sweet turn for you, you never know. Your mom would want u to stick around with us and find out. Sending support vibes to u.

My husband makes a pitiful 174,000 a year, forcing me to work 70 hours a week as an investment banker at Goldman Sachs. No second home for us. Sometimes I sit on the side of a freeway and just cry and cry and cry.

Eldercare here too.

My 96-year old grandmother is failing, my 75 year-old mother will be a basketcase whenever grandmother dies, my father died two years ago and as an only child, I've been dealing with all of my mother's needs since then and for the foreseeable future. This is rough as she is very codependent and not particularly capable.

Meanwhile, both of my partner's parents died within the past six years and he's still working on getting their property (not good property -- white trashy hoarder property) disposed of with absolutely NO help whatever from his awful siblings.

I don't see any solutions here; I see myself spending decades on eldercare and being utterly drained by it mentally and emotionally so that by the time it's all over I won't have the energy left to enjoy what years I have remaining.

R4 Yes I could get help but I have been down that road before and I am pretty realistic about what the future holds for a 54 y/o gay guy. I have a b/f but we don't live together and have grown even further apart in recent months.

Hugs to you, R9. It's not an easy road. Very glad you have some support from your bf. Hang in there.

Myself. I have no follow through. I've never seen anything through in my life. I hide from my problems, until they become big to the point of no return. I am just the sort of person some people on dl complain about. Quite rightly.

I've tried counseling, reading books on psychology and self-help, reading studies. I've tried setting small goals, meditating, journaling, talking to people who have got through challenges. Nothing sticks, the impulsive side of me always wins out over the prefrontal cortex. No matter how many steps I take in the right direction, I am always pulled back.

Lost an essential friendship...just trying to accept it and move on. I am lucky in that when it happened, the universe stepped in and I received the support of other friends who did not even know I needed it. It could have been much worse but I am really sad anyway. :(

R1 listen to R3. I’ve been there too and you will come through it and find meaning in your life again. I’m sending you the warmest of wishes and it’s posts like yours that make me wish there was a PM feature here because I would help you in any way I can. Take care of yourself.

Thank you, R11. How did it all work out for you?

Please take time for yourself R10, burnout is a real problem. Maybe reconnect with your bf too, you never know he may be more supportive than you know.

Procrastination and self sabotage.

I’ve had two goals. To write something and to get in shape and date again. I have stacks of books on my desk, I’ve taken courses in writing, been to seminars but I cannot motivate myself to start. I think I’m afraid that I’ll fail.

Every year I lose 30 pounds at least twice. I get ripped, 10% body fat. I go on vacation to a National Park and do a massive hike. I come home and it’s time to face the music and set up a Grindr profile so I squander all my hard work by binge eating myself back to chubbiness. I’ve just done it again gaining 24 pounds since I got back from hiking to the bottom on the Grand Canyon on September 10th. Last night I ate 3 packs of cookies and a pizza staring at the pics I took in the GC with a 6 pack and vascular biceps. Now I have a layer of chub on my abs and can’t fit into the shorts I wore. I guess I’m so afraid of rejection and of still not being good enough that I sabotage myself and hide behind a layer of fat which gives me an excuse. “I’m not dating because I’m waiting to lose 30lbs”.

Losing parents is hard, no argument. But there is a very free life waiting for you on the other side, a good life. I promise. I’ve been there and felt guilty about it actually. Embrace it. Your parents would want that for you. Hugs to all.

Dear god you sound remarkably tiresome, R18. Fearing I'd meet someone like you is why I absolutely do not date "internet" people. If I don't know you in my immediate world then no thanks.

I now I am R20. That’s why I have zero self esteem and suicidal tendencies.

R9, everything worked out fine. When you're in the middle of a trying time it's hard to see things coming to an end but they do, and life does return to normal. Took care of my mother, diagnosed with dementia, then she passed (I'd quit my job to help my dad care for her and moved in with them so it was a triple whammy) then my dad got sick so I repeated the process.

The depression and anxiety which had always plagued me got very bad but I had no alternative but to soldier on. My father died peacefully in the hospital. Six years later life has returned to normal, I have a new job, my bf's moved in with me and I'm happy. It will happen to you also. Don't hesitate to post here or start a thread if you want to discuss your situation. There are the predictable snarkers who'll respond but there are many caring people on this board. Wishing you all the best.

R20, perhaps this is not the thread for you.

R20, you are mean.

I'd hang out with you r18. I love hiking and being fit. I work on being fit but sabotage myself with too much beer and/or wine.

I'm haunted by what I've seen of animal suffering in this world, e.g.:

• Wild animals who are hunted and/or whose habitats are destroyed (e.g. deforestation, global climate change, oil spills, plastics on which they choke or are impaled),

• Animals experimented on (e.g., vivisection),

• Those used for entertainment,

• Those just casually abused (e.g. the baby dolphin who died in Spain when beachgoers took him out of the water for Instagram photos),

• Animals abandoned, those farmed for food (horrifying videos),

• Those captured in the wild as sold as pets (e.g., parrots and jaguars in Dubai on Instagram),

• Those killed by villagers or burned alive (e.g., palm oil plantation expansion's nightmare destruction of orangutans,

• Those who are separated from their loved ones and enslaved

Global institutions (e.g., UNICEF) help children. Ending war is largely about saving children (literally, children on the ground, future generations, etc.). Everyone loves children. But to so many, animals are just property or "don't feel like we do." It hurts so much when I hear that. I place myself in their situations, imagining the pain, horror, confusion, voicelessness, powerlessness, isolation, hopelessness, etc. and it hurts so much. Of course it leads me to consider escaping this life — at least several times an hour.

And then I hear "What about plants - don't they feel pain?" or "What about all the suffering people in the world - Syria, etc.?" 99% of global concern (news coverage, institutional effort, spending, reform) is about helping humans, and that's wonderful. I just wish we'd care more about (and also protect) animals, too. If one makes the comparison between human suffering and that of other animals, the majority of people are terribly offended, and that's so discouraging in that it tells me their hearts haven't changed much if any

To partially and temporarily relieve the otherwise constant psychological distress (sadness, hopelessness, horror, frustration, etc.) I feel, I give to animal protection charities, adopt companion animals, donate supplies to rescues, and will soon start volunteering again (I've avoided it too long of late, because of the sadness I feel when seeing the suffering in-person, but I figure since I'm already sad, what difference does it make, especially if I'm concretely helping). I briefly worked in animal protection as an attorney, but bad habits I picked up from prior law firm practice.... I was fired (I'm being as honest as I can here). Also, I have a way of eating (and choosing items that I wear, etc.) that doesn't hurt animals (insofar as I can verify) (it kind of rhymes with "began") — but one that I won't name here because I don't want to trigger DLers who absolutely hate it (it kind of rhymes with "began") (well, more like I don't want to read their invectives in reply). Lately I've been listening to fairy tales from Audible, though I'm not sure why ... maybe I'm feeling creative, and perhaps want to adapt one for something.

To "solve" it ... I'll do what I can in my life to contribute and help. It'll be a constant thing that alleviates the sadness, in the moment. Like keeping good posture — takes effort, has to be done continuously. I'll even pick up a bottle cap and make sure it goes in the trash (and thus is likely safely buried in a landfill, yes, to ooze chemicals over millennia but at least not likely to go in the ocean and help kill an animal in coming years), and that brings me relief (though it also causes me to feel some embarrassment, though I'm ashamed to admit that).

I'm always heartened when other DLers express the similar views. It shows me that consciousness is changing (I won't say "rising" because some take it as being overly judgemental) — or maybe just that I'm not alone.

[quote]But there is a very free life waiting for you on the other side, a good life. I promise. I’ve been there and felt guilty about it actually. Embrace it. Your parents would want that for you.

Very wise words, R19.

[quote]Dear god you sound remarkably tiresome, [R18]. Fearing I'd meet someone like you is why I absolutely do not date "internet" people. If I don't know you in my immediate world then no thanks.

You are an asshole, R20

R18, you are a worthwhile human being whether or NOT you're starved and exercised into oblivion. That's the lesson you need to learn. Also you are damaging your health and fucking up your metabolism with your yo-yo dieting, but you probably know that.

For OP

[quote]Every year I lose 30 pounds at least twice. I get ripped, 10% body fat.

Yeah, you've got some relationship-avoidant issues that might be helped by therapy. You should also know that plenty of guys would prefer someone with a bit of extra weight over someone with 10% body fat. You just may not find them on Grindr.

When people say therapy do they mean a psychologist? I get so confused between psychologists/counsellors/family therapists/psychiatrists/analysists etc.. A few years ago I went to a counsellor after a bereavement and I think she made me worse and I’ve been wary ever since. How do you find a good one?

R31, that's a really good question. It seems like you have to spend a lot of money and time before you find someone who is a good fit.

Thought I had problems with low income job and demanding, needy 83 year old mother. Then my sibling was diagnosed with terminal cancer with 4 kids under 16 and now I have real problems. It’s all relative. Crazy how the mind works - often when there is no crisis, we sink into our mental problems which seem worse than real problems. Been thinking a lot about depression vs grief. Depression is such a complicated difficult thing to overcome and seems to fill space when there is an absence of real problems in life. Caring for the sick is a mentally and emotionally draining task. But it does inject meaning into life.

R29, thank you. I'm at work but will watch when I get home.

[quote]Caring for the sick is a mentally and emotionally draining task. But it does inject meaning into life.

Big time. Sadly, it seems to become apparent only in hindsight.

Hugs, R33.

Yeah, overeating, loneliness, aging, relatively minor health issues. I mostly just try to focus on today and maybe tomorrow, but I plan vacations every few months to have something to look forward. I sometimes pay for a friend or relative to go with me so I have company. Right now my weight has hit an all time high so I try to step onto the scale every time I feel like snacking to discourage myself. Everyone struggles in their own way, so I try to count my blessings and not obsess over losses and disappointments.

Wow, R20 is exactly why this world is so fucked up.

R19, dont put so much pressure on yourself. Try to rid yourself of the whole all or none psychology.Therapy may be a really great thing for you. Sorry R20 is such a douche.

I sympathize with those who feel like life is too painful to go on, but I decided at some point to stick it out. I have learned the hard way to just take what comes and see what will happen next. I’m not saying that things will get a lot better but some times are not as bad as others. Be as kind to yourself as you can, especially if nobody else is doing that for you. Do what you need to do to survive. Death will come in its own time.

I’d rather be friends with R18 than R20.

Me too, R40.

Problems are only solved in mathematics. In life, they are only coped with.

R18 I like fit fat. Too ripped is a turn off

Agree R39. Death will come - and sometimes it takes a cancer diagnosis to snap you out of your self-imposed misery and reallize that you actually do want to live. Be curious about what tomorrow brings - or next month.

I'm with you, R25. Instagram had really increased awareness and some people's hearts are changing. Kind people, once they're aware of what's happening, do care and some do change.

R25 is my favorite person, ever, on DL.

Trying to please everyone

minus $85 in my checking account until Friday. everyone around me is upper middle class - i dont know how they do it. I have small savings; not enough to retire. scrimp by all the time. fuck.

I know the feeling. I only have 1 million left in my savings.

I'm obsessed with a young man who doesn't seem to share my feelings, but won't reject me either. So I'm constantly convincing myself there's a chance and spending all my time thinking about him. Meanwhile my husband and pets are neglected and getting bitter.

R46, thanks. I wish I knew you, too. You made my day — knowing there's another person who feels similarly is a true comfort. Thanks.

Advice

There's a sub-Reddit for Datalounge and you can direct message other users. Might be an option for those seeking to be less lonely.

I need a place to live, I'm in a bad living arrangement right now but can't find a place that will rent to me short term. I'm thinking of just leaving the state and moving into a motel.

I recently moved back ton a small town that I originally left Due to lesbian drama.

I've spent the past couple weeks re connecting with friends that were a part of my circle pre-drama. Detaching myself from them originally was my own doing.

I'm really happy I did this. I've missed these friends so much - I just finally feel better - like being home again.

R54 Extended stay hotel rooms with kitchenette can be had for about $40/night for stays longer than 30 days. Maid service once a week. Laundry facilities available.

R56 I'm definitely considering it. It's just I'm in a somewhat caretaker role (very difficult to explain ) and I feel guilty leaving. I just don't know if I can stay living in this area anymore. Thanks for the tip though.