How much to give as wedding present to gay wedding if invited as a single?

It's crazy you bought a tux. You could have rented.

It's their list. If they have some items on it that are more affordable for you under your circumstances, select one of those.

And return the tux if you can, ya big dope.

OP, can't you just rent a tux? There are a lot of rental places in my city & that's what most people do -- I don't know the prices, but it's got to be much cheaper than buying.

As for the gift, if I were in your position, I'd buy a $50 gift & split the cost with my "date" (your female cousin is probably no more enthusiastic about this than you are).

Three-part harmony. You bought a tux and you’re unemployed? Dumb ass!

Can you and the female cousin you're accompanying go halves on a more expensive gift? Also, they're family so they probably know you're not working at the moment and would understand, hopefully.

Three buck chuck works

You’re unemployed and you BOUGHT a tux???

The tux was about $100, so it wasn't THAT expensive. Lower East Side, NYC -- not the most deluxe, but looks good. My cousin will give her own gift, since we're not on the same invitation. It's at a posh NY place, but I don't think the rule is you have to cover the cost of your plate, since I've read otherwise on-line in places like "Vogue" articles that came up.

I would return your tux, and not show up to this shitshow.

Does anyone remember the bride who went ballistic when one of her guests gave her a basket of convenience store snacks? Good times.

Oh, a $100 tux. Okay. I’m sure THAT was money well spent. Did you buy it from an undertaker?

R7 A one hundred dollar tuxedo, OP? Is it made out of newspaper? If it is, is there at least a visible ad for Dior or Zegna in that day's issue? A great black or blue suit with a good tie is better than a bad tux.

Actually there was NY Times article about this place some years ago marveling at how they keep the prices so reasonable.

Don’t go, but you should have RSVP”d right away though. That is the polite thing to do, you know. You don’t have job.

Mother called you hoping you weren’t coming stag. She suggested places you could buy a tux as another deterrent. Get a clue.

At best, it was a ‘gift invite’ meaning they didn’t expect you to come, they wanted to you to send a gift. When I get one of those, they get a card and a $50 (maximum) gift certificate to Macy’s (at best) and I also never talk to them again.

Sometimes, I just send back the RSVP card checked NO, I won’t be able to attend.

There's a SNL sketch about this.

Nah, they know I live in town. Besides I have some savings, and I'm kind of curious about it. Plus I'll have the tux (which probably costs about the same to rent). But appreciate suggestions about what to get off the registry. '

Fuck the registry, find something else.

I'm confused (R13) - I'm not up on wedding etiquette but why would the mother care that OP wasn't bringing a guest? surely if anything that would help by bringing the numbers down? no reason to think that he's not wanted there.

For the life of me OP, I don't understand why you replied you are going.

[quote] as a distant cousin (only met the groom twice in my life)

[quote] since I'm not working and already sprang for the tux.

Why Why Why?

Having a tux is useful - it's good for charity events and other weddings. You got it at a good price, and can use it for years, as long as you stay the same weight. Unless it's truly poorly made, with seams puckering out and threads hanging down hither and yon, no one is going to notice what you are wearing. Tuxes are a "uniform" at function - it's the women's dresses that are scrutinized. I think a $50 gift is reasonable. They know you are unemployed, so won't be expecting you to spring for a $400 gift.

I would show up in regular clothes, take a big shit in the bathroom, and then immediately leave.

I like the gift basket idea. You could fill it with toiletries, eg, soap, toothpaste, condoms, tampons, or maybe smutty dvd's for the honeymoon...

Return the tux, and decline the invite. It's nothing more than a gift grab, and you're not obligated to spend money you can't afford on someone you've only met twice. As Miss Manners says, "An invitation is not an invoice".

I get the feeling this is a very big deal for, OP. He's not going to not go.

A great wedding gift that is cheap to make is homemade jam.

No one needs a smutty DVD on their honeymoon. Christ.

I actually kind of think that the groom's parents don't have too many relatives still alive, and I'm like one of the only gay ones they are aware of. The Mom was actually kind of uncomfortable when she told me said son was gay a few years ago, and she was worried how my cousin would react; the cousin is very cool, I told her. So I think she probably wants me there. I just don't know why the invitation did'nt say "[my name] and Guest" giving the option for a guest. But they say you can sometimes meet people at weddings, too. Plus, probably taking a guest I'd have to find someone who has a tux (and double the gift), so maybe I'll be lucky and pick up someone (and/or get a phone number). Here's hoping.

How old are you OP?

Are your parents still alive?

If you're under 40, you can likely get away with giving your dad $50 and having the gift be from the three of you since you were invited solo

Ugh. I’m with OP. Tux purchase is all about personal dignity. Had to rent a tux once as an adult. It was kind of amazing how badly it fit me.

We just got a gift invite this summer. The parents are family of a friend who all live on the other coast. They stayed with us for about three nights and we let them use our car. We met the bride once briefly. We RSVP'd no and never sent a gift.

Money isn't an issue for us, but we felt it was a bit grifting of them. We're we rude?

$25 Olive Garden Gift Card

Love that you bought a tux. You only live once, best to look good each time you appear. That’s your ghost outfit.

Get a simple gift in the $50-$100 range, enjoy the party and surroundings. Stop being a bunch of miserly queens about it.

R31, did you miss the part about the OP being out of work?

Don't buy a gift. Show up and sing for your supper, like a respectable gay man.

10% of your gross monthly salary is standard.

R34 Never heard that. You're making that up. There's some bs rules about buying engagement rings though.

[quote]Don't buy a gift. Show up and sing for your supper, like a respectable gay man.

And if you can't sing, a hummer is often just as welcome.

You may also postpone gift up to one year after wedding. No big deal.

You're too nice and eager to please. You can't afford a tux at this time or an expensive gift.

Go with hat in hand looking pensive and needy or cancel out.

I also don't believe the thing about 10% of salary. Considering rent/mortgage can be 40%+, plus bills, plus food, plus travel (bus/car), plus saving for deposit for house (if applicable), plus entertainment (ie. going for a coffee with friend at the least, or meal out/weekend away occasionally), plus any new cloths/shoes needed that month, etc How can anyone afford 10% of their income on a wedding gift? even if people earn a lot more their expenses rise dramatically an the 10% would go up commensurately.

Waaaiit a minute, Op -

You're 'unemployed,' but you'd 'purchased' a Tux?

[[[ Crickets ]]]

r14, that was the funniest thing on SNL since Tina Fey played Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman or whoever that was that ran for vice president.

Give them matching Ugly Sweaters. It'll give them something to talk about as well as memories.

He said he has savings, R40. I’m sure the $100 tux, while not something I would do, won’t break him.

I definitely would not be going to this wedding. Hell, of my seven “first” cousins, I’ve only been to 2 of their weddings. And none of them as an adult—my parents dragged me when I was a boy.

R31 OP here, I think that's what I'll do. I'll just cut back for a while more on things I'm already doing to save dough like an occasional cheap meal out and do more cooking for a few months, rent movies from the library, etc. The tux looks nice actually, and at least it'll be mine to keep, so that'll at least justify not spending pretty much similar money just for a rental. Would it be too much to wear at a piano bar like the Townhouse? Plus other weddings or things might come up.

This is a tacky gift grab. Decline.

Where do the street vendors hang out? Couple of scarves, two watches and a pastel of Marilyn Monroe.

$30 tops, if you haggle.

OP/R44 Don't wear a tux to the Townhouse; you'll come across as the Maitre d' at an Italian restaurant. But you can wear the jacket with jeans and a t-shirt. That's a great look. And if you ever go on a cruise, you're all set for formal night.

[quote] I'll just cut back for a while more on things I'm already doing to save dough like an occasional cheap meal out and do more cooking for a few months, rent movies from the library, etc.

Nobody here nor in your family cares that you're martyring yourself for this dippy wedding, and the whole scenario is tiresome. Stop it.

Just go the the wedding and maybe you'll meet someone -- it's a gay wedding so feel free even more so to dance your ass off.

Say no and don't send anything. Fuck'em.

Op, with you and your $100 Tux:

While at the wedding reception: take a white (must be white) linen napkin from the bar, dramatically toss it over your forearm (ala Fancy Waiter), and walk around to take everybody's drink orders (as if you mean it); make complimentary small talk with your newly acquired 'patrons' (as if you mean it); flirt with the wallflowers (as if you REALLY mean it); discreetly smile at the pretty people; and make direct eye contact with the HOT Beauties, regardless of their 'allegiance.'

Then return to this thread to provide an update - We'll listen.

Why not go to a thrift store like Goodwill and look for an interesting piece of pottery or vintage serving pieces. Research their style via their registry and buy something appropriate for much less. No rule that you must purchase off the registry. Invest in nice gift wrap and be done.

Ideas: serving platter, wood tray, appetizer serving pieces, butter dish, cream pitcher and sugar bowl, dessert plates, appetizer plates, original artwork or pottery

Option 2: you have up to a year to send a gift. Take advantage and send something once you’ve gained employment. The gifts really should not matter. Honestly. Set a prescedent.

It wasn't necessary to buy a tuxedo. Your best caftan would have been just fine! You're super just the way you are!

[quote]Set a prescedent.

Obviously a spell checker is a useful gift for anyone these days.

Keep the tux if you like it, it fits well, and it makes you feel good. Select a reasonably-priced gift, maybe $50-$75 if you can swing it without too much trouble. Another option is to find someone else who's also going and who knows you're not working, and go in on a gift together. You don't have to send the gift prior to the wedding, FYI.

Go and have a good time. Eat and drink, and dance.

(Personally, I would have replied No from the beginning given what you've described, but it's too late now to change your RSVP.)

R55, are you suggesting the OP "go in" with someone else you will kick in more for the gift? That could be an awkward conversation.

Am I to believe OP bought a tuxedo all the whilst he lounges around like an aimless ne'r do well? The very thought!

$50.00? I gave more than $50.00 in the 1980's. My friend's daughter recently got married. I sent a gift from the registry (115.00) for the shower and when I RSVP'd (NO!) I sent along a check for $100.00.

I was always under the impression if you were to attend the reception you were to at least cover the cost of the meal, no?

I think it also depends on the relationship of the person getting married as well to the attendee.

OP, please, please tell us one of these things will be included in the wedding reception's décor!

[QUOTE]Fuck the registry, find something else.

^^THIS^^

Buy them something that they will really use and appreciate like a double ended dildo.

Is this where you went, OP?

BUY THEM A DILDO. 40 bux, tops

OP's "Tux" -

R62 OP here. Yes, really nice people run the place. They have more expensive stuff too. Lots of raves on Yelp and other sites.

Always give a donation to a charity either they have specified, or one they would appreciate. Give the charity whatever YOU think is the right amount.Make sure the charity sends them a card that just says, "A donation has been made in your name to XXX charity" without specifying the amount.

This is always, always, always the right thing to do for weddings , unless it's very close family. If DLers tell you otherwise they're a) lying and b) shallow.

A wedding reception should not be a business proposition. You choose to invite me, you choose the venue, you plan the meal - all without my input - and then I have to pony up because you’ve decided to splash out? Ridiculous. Throw the kind of wedding you can afford. No one told you to go into hock to celebrate a marriage that, let’s face it, isn’t likely to last that long.

Honestly, if you’re of limited means, have a picnic in the park, a clambake on the beach. The guests will have just as good a time if not better. Festivals of conspicuous consumption disguised as celebrations of two people’s love are phony and gross. In fact, the more elaborate they are, usually the more shallow the event’s creators.

R66 is absolutely right...and if you want to donate to charity I'll just send my bank account number to all you motherfuckers who are about to get married

OP here. The guys in question have expensive taste and venue for wedding. At least one of them has what I presume is a high-paying job. Also part of their registry is trying to fund parts of their extravagant honeymoon travel plans. I'm currently out-of-work, but looking for acting gigs, auditioning, not sitting on my butt at home, but maybe they have well-to-do friends to gift them those sort of expensive gifts. Not me. I even had a talk with one of their Moms recently telling how many auditions you have to go and how much rejection you have to deal with to get the next gig. I don't go to that many weddings, so why not live a little and attend; but these guys are trying to go all out, which is fine, but don't expect to do it on my dime. I guess they want their day to be elegant, so buying an inexpensive tux for me to keep, ok, and a modest gift is do-able. Frankly, I would have given a bigger gift if I just could have worn a dark suit. I'm glad I live local, but these guys have really expensive hotels on their website for out-of-town guest that they recommend for their stays. I try to live within my means. I guess I want to go since I'm middle-aged and my parents are gone, and besides my brothers and their families (who aren't close to these cousins), I don't have that many other relatives around any more. So this just sort of continues some of the family history. But the expense has made me kind of ambivalent. But hell, the tux is bought, so I'll just tear up the dance floor.

^^ Grand Maul Seizures ??

Are you kidding? A single straight guy at a gay wedding - in a tux? He’s gonna score more action than James Bond. Dude’s totally gotta go.

He's gay, actually. But he can have fun with the straight relatives watching him dance.

I think it’s great you’re going OP. I recently got married and invited cousins I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was really touched they came. I’m totally projecting my experience on your situation, but still think it’s a nice gesture of you to go.

Don’t worry about your gift as much. $50 is fine. I like the idea of a charity donation or why don’t you get them something monogrammed like napkins/cocktail napkins since they are trying to live the high life. It would be personal, and they wouldn’t really have any idea how much it cost. On instagram there is an account called @the.upstairs that does all sorts of monograms (they have some that would work with any style) and they ship!

As a rule, I NEVER buy anything off a wedding registry. I have have given great gifts for sure (nice crystal, electronics, unique items that one would not buy themselves)- but I will pick and choose what I wish to give. I can't stand anyone telling me what to buy them. The registry is a good jumping off point though - it gives you some clue as to their interests as a couple.

[quote]I'm middle-age

Jesus, I thought you were in your 20s.

You're an even bigger dumbass than I first thought.

OP is middle aged????

Yep.

How nice of you to say.

[quote] OP here. The guys in question have expensive taste and venue for wedding.

Doesn't matter in the least. That's their decision, not yours.

Charity gift. If they bitch, they're assholes.

Op, just get them a $50 gift from their list and stop stressing out. Those (relatively) cheap gifts are there for people who they know are coming but can't afford any of the more expensive gifts.

And R79 is right. Only a monster would complain about a charity gift in their name.

Or you could have just said you weren't going to the wedding and taken that $100 bucks and got them a better gift from their list.

I had a close friend (who moved away about two years prior) invite me to their wedding in Europe. After factoring in the cost of the flight, the hotel and the gift (plus the fact I was already going there on vacation two months after it) I said a kind, no thanks and sent a better gift than they would have gotten had I paid all that money and went.

Couples always forget that weddings aren't for them, they're for their friends and family. You don't actually need to have a wedding and get married with a huge event.

Since you have committed to going, bring a card with $50 cash or check. If you were working $100.

I don't know why you're so worried about etiquette, OP.

I've never even heard of a wedding invitation for one. No guest? Just come alone or go with the spinster cousin? WTF kind of wedding is this?

I'll vote for the $50 gift as well, off the registry or just $50 in cash. It's hard to believe you found a nice tux for $100, but congratulations on that. I would buy one at that price as well! I've been in these situations before, plus have been invited to the wedding shower, etc. It all adds up, financially, and it's also time out of your life that you could have spent doing something else.

WAIT! You mean you think there is a possibility you might have to PAY for your meal?????????????????

Oh god, that "Xanax for gay summer weddings" bit was hilarious...even to the bit about the lesbian weddings at the end. And tell me that Taram and Jason Sudekis don't look like the perfect gay couple.

& it totally captures OP's predicament, R85. LOL.

If you have to ask a question like that it means two things

1) You shouldn't be going at all

2) You have friends that care more about material things than you, so don't go.

And spend your time looking for a job instead of on the Internet and spend what time isn't looking for a job, to quesiton why you have such a horrible self image that you'd allow yourself to be friends with such people, that would make you ask such a question.

OK now you guys have moved from snark to just being cunts. I like OP. He seems like a decent sort.

I would not attend and I would not send a gift. Gay marriages don't last.

I like OP, too. R87, if you had been paying attention you would know these are relatives and not friends.

OP, I think buying the tux for $100 is actually a good investment. You have some savings and it’s a good investment.

You claim they are having a fancy, classy affair, but that can’t be the case if they invited you sans guest. This is the biggest indication they only want a gift. It is rude to invite anyone to a wedding without allowing them a plus one.

Buy a $50 gift from the registry. Those gifts are on there for a reason. Don’t shop off the registry. You’re a New Yorker. No one has space for things in their apartment they don’t want. Give money or something from the registry period.

Sounds like you want to go and have a good time, so go and I hope you do have fun.

I buy a new cheap tux for every black tie I go to. On Macy's website you can get one with a designer label on it for less than 200 bucks. I get it tailored to fit perfectly for the one time wear and since it is new, to the current style in terms of fit, collar, etc and perfectly tailored, I look like a million bucks. If it had to be cleaned and then worn again 6 months, a year, two years later the cheap fabric would be obvious and the shape of it wouldn't be the current style.

Crazy to spend 500, 1000 or more on a tux. Buy a new cheap one every time you need one. Then donate to housing works so a homeless man can have a night on the town!

Just give the give of Love. Be a friend - offer kinds sex

OP, you do seem too nice and possibly too eager to please. But the first sentence of your post is "I'm also unemployed," which tells me you [italic]are[/italic] concerned about money. Which I understand; I was laid off and didn't work for a solid year in 2009; I worried about money all the time.

There's a bit of backpedaling going on, I think, in trying to justify the cost of the tux; you're likely never to wear it again (and please don't wear it to the Townhouse or with jeans and a T). As others have suggested, take it back if you can and spend some of that money on a gift.

Just editorializing here, but when I get an invitation that has one of those little "Pssst, what we really want" cards enclosed, the sender does not get a gift. I had one friend, a former coworker whom I thought a lot of, who did that, and I made an exception for her but was disappointed in the tackiness. As already pointed out: A wedding invitation is not an invoice.

Straight weddings are for everyone else; gay weddings are for the couple.

I don't know which is worse.

Distant cousin, only met twice. Black tie required. No plus 1. You’re unemployed, and not only are you going, but you BOUGHT a fucking tux for this. And now you’re asking what gift you should buy these strangers you’re willingly being grifted by.

What the fuck is wrong with you, OP? Do you routinely make dumb choices like this? Seriously, what is wrong with you??? Why would anyone even WANT to go to this, let alone fret (!) about what gift to buy them (!!!)?

R91 is clearly made of money, lives in a forest of money trees, and can’t spend it fast enough. Relatable to many here, I’m sure.

Disposable tuxes, everyone! Get yours TODAY!

I’d just wrap a big Grand Maul Seizure up and give them that. Easy Peasy.

Op, it's time to waltz in that wedding and be the Belle of the Ball.

And changing to another color halfway through.

Suze Orman used to have a segment on her show where people who wanted to buy something would call in and ask if it was OK to. She would go through their financial situation—how much they had saved, how much they owed, etc—and then render her judgment. It was almost always no (she is big on having money socked away for retirement). I know what she would say in this situation.

Your question is how much to spend on a gift, not asking for judgment on a tux already purchased. But since you mention being unemployed a couple of times, I think it's all part and parcel of the same thing.

For starters, your aunt, who you see only every few years or so, calls up and suggests where you can buy a tux. No. Just no. That is crass and bad manners (plus I'm assuming she knows you're out of work). And not allowing you a plus-one? Strike two. And you've only been around this distant cousin twice, is that right? Strike three. This is a gift grab plain and simple.

If you're in New York and you're drawing unemployment, you're getting around $400 a week before taxes. You've already spent 25 percent of your weekly unemployment on a tux. Even if you have money in savings, unless your independently wealthy and it's a lot, you don't need to be spending it on a tuxedo. Return it if you can, and no closer than you are to these people, and considering the rude way the invitation has been extended, the right amount to spend on a gift is zero.

OMG it finally dawned on me why this event is so important to the OP

It is a gay wedding and the OP thinks he is going to score with someone at this wedding.

It's also rather presumptuous of the people getting married to make it black tie for everyone. Isn't it usually the wedding party, like the immediate family men and grooms who wear tuxes?

I'm rethinking my advice upthread, to spend $50 on a gift and keep the tux.

For some reason, I'm assuming that you (OP) are on the young side, early 20s or so.

Under the financial circumstances, I think you could (a) get a refund on the tux, (b) RSVP "no" on the wedding, and (c) don't send any gift at all. What is the worst thing that could happen? A distant relative now hates your guts?

When I was younger, I did all kinds of things I really didn't want to do and spent money on all kinds of things I really could not afford. Maybe you can avoid this pitfall.

I've never been to a gay wedding where there's been a registry for gifts. The couples have always asked for donations to charities instead. How vulgar for them to ask you for presents, especially since,

"At least one of them has what I presume is a high-paying job. Also part of their registry is trying to fund parts of their extravagant honeymoon travel plans."

These guys sound like common chav trash. Don't go. Keep the tux for other occasions.

OP here. They didn't right out say there was a registry. But the invitation had a website about how they met, wedding details, recommended hotels, plus a tab leading to the registry. Not in my 20s, btw - I'm middle-aged, but look a lot younger. I do fine at bars when I go, but sometimes you can find someone to date at a wedding or some sort of function; not counting on it, but hey, at least there's food and dancing. I think I'll just give them something not too expensive in the range of what folks here are suggesting, since I've already contributed financially to their dream wedding of it being "black tie" and thus having to get a tux. The parents of the groom I'm related to usually have shown up to funerals regularly in my family and this is their only son, so it's also partly out of respect to them that I'm showing up. But just because their son has caviar dreams doesn't mean I have to supply the Beluga! I like the cousin I'm going with, but I even had to tell my brother when he was making a wedding for his son that they better include a "and guest" on the invitation. (He did.) Some of these people think a gay guy hasn't got a dick! What's up with them?

It sounds as if you wish to go and have few family members left, and this is perfectly understandable since you and your cousin are both gay! (despite any differences in expectations of proper etiquette) I hope you have a swell time and wish you all the best luck in finding a sexy bloke to dance with. Don't stress over the gift; after all you indeed have up to a year.

If you are truly friends with them, just be honest and tell them you don't have the extra funds for a gift. I'm sure (and again if you are truly friends) they just want you to attend and be part of the celebration.

Everyone is so afraid of telling the truth...it's okay, we all have issues and we should be able to give each other a break!

Who wears a tux to a fucking wedding? And who asks their guests to wear a tux to their fucking wedding? How pretentious.

I think $100 would be reasonable, but if you're really concerned about cost, ask your guest to split the gift with you. I'm sure there will be other couples there arriving with gifts in that price range on behalf of both of them, so you shouldn't be embarrassed.

My logic would be this, if I'm pitching in $50 for a gift, and in return am going to get a free meal at a posh place, and free drinks, I would be basically just be treating myself on a nice night out on the town.

If they're making you pay for your own meal and drinks, then screw it, go with the $50 gift.

OP, I'm going to repeat my advice above, which is I think where you're leaning.

- Keep the tux. Being a certified good gay, you wouldn't have bought it if you didn't look great in it. So, keep it, wear it, and feel great; it cost only $100. You're more likely to go to a really fun/fancy New Year's Eve party if you own it. It could also be part of a Halloween costume.

- Talk with your cousin (the person you're going with) about going in on a gift together. Spend a $ amount that is comfortable for you. I loved the idea up-thread about finding a treasure in someplace like Goodwill, although that makes sending them the gift a little complicated. If that doesn't work out with your cousin for whatever reason (or instead of...), make a donation in their names to a charity (being a same sex couple, a donation to the Human Rights Campaign or Lamda Legal would be perfect nowadays), and write a note in a Congratulations card that you've made a donation to celebrate their wedding (you don't need to mention the $ amount of the donation) and give them the card at the wedding. You don't owe them any explanation or apologies at all and I'm sure they don't expect any.

- They could be going all out - black tie, nice hotels, etc. - for many reasons. I highly doubt that they expect every guest to cover their cost (which is customary in some place like NYC and CT depending on the families and/or social circle).

- Go and have fun. You very well could meet the man of your dreams there. Let us know what happens.

I actually think that disposable tux thing is pretty smart. He is 100% correct. Even some fairly decent tux fabrics look like shit after more than 2 cleanings. With his method he will always look like he just came off the groom cake topper...fresh and new as a daisy.