What made you give up on someone you love?

When they become emotionally dead, you have to let go.

Affairs, plural, and breaking his word about them.

He didn't love me back.

Same as #3 and he rubbed the new guy in my face to hurt me.

r4 "The new guy"?

Yes - He said he loved me for 5 years, then dumped me for another guy. He said he wanted to be friends and I tried that since I still loved him, but he would tell me how wonderful his new boyfriend was and it hurt too much to be around him. I had to cut him out my life after that. Not only was he a liar and cheater, but also cruel.

Oh...HIS new guy. Gotcha.

Knew his family would always come first and mutual cheating and his obsession with money

They would never love me and want to be with me. I had to live my life and I couldn't do that being anywhere near them.

Drugs

Racism. It wasn't apparent at first, but became obvious. Too many good people in the world to overlook such a fatal flaw.

Meth.

Alcoholism, bad breath and lateness.

Always critical of me and often piled on lavishly and maliciously for really petty reasons. Put up with it for years until one day I didn't.

When he got involved with a hustler, and they started hooking together.

They were carrying a torch for someone who would never give them a second look. To love wholeheartedly is my thing. It wasn't his.

Ditto r3

[quote]When he got involved with a hustler, and they started hooking together.

Dan, sweetheart — It Gets Better.

I gave up on a partner because he was an alcoholic but I didn't love him. I would never give up on someone I loved.

I found out he was hiding booze and drinking at home when I wasn’t around. One night drunk, he pulled me off the bed by my foot. The next morning I woke up to a little voice that said “You need to leave NOW”.

I packed all my things, left a gorgeously appointed penthouse apartment in Boston’s South End, called my boss and disappeared for two weeks at a friends house. I went back and paid three months rent left on the lease. I loved him but something snapped and broke inside me when he laid his hands on me. I have no problem leaving someone if that ever happened again.

25 years later and he’s still an abusive drunk. Just leave, they never change.

... I found out he had a second apartment with nothing in it but a boom box, a Britney shrine and a wig.

Time and a few thousand miles.

Interesting question, OP. I'm having something of the opposite quandary right now; realising that I don't love (and maybe never did love) people I probably should, i.e. family both immediate and extended, old friends, mentors. Just this year I've lost the last of my school/College friends to "we've grown apart", and most of my extended family to the realisation that they're greedy self-serving sociopathic lizard-people deep down. It's such that I'm having to acknowledge that I've 'given up' on people without compunction or any huge drama/misgiving, even though these same people if asked would probably say that I still care for them. I now have no friends and no family that I willingly or freely speak to let alone a gf, which is a sad scary situation.

I'm grappling most with disillusionment, disgust and disappointment toward my parents that grows by the day. I adored them as a child, respected them as a preteen and grew slowly more apathetic through adolescence and college until we come to the present. I'm suddenly so put off by them I can barely stomach eating dinner with them or talking on the phone, let alone hugging them or sitting for a night of tv with them.

My mother is such a bore and a dullard I can barely believe I've put up with her all these years, and to make matters worse she is physically unrecognizable now. It's like turning 50 just caused her every braincell and molecule to shrivel up. As for my father, his misanthropy (particularly toward women) has become more vile and black with time. He's also losing any scrap of self-regard he has, binge-eating and wearing ratty clothes out and refusing to get a job. Neither of them have intellectual pursuits let alone any interest in art or culture or world affairs, though my father does like historical documentaries and building things which puts him streets ahead of my potluck-loving/magazine-reading/Amazon-shopping/YouTube-watching frau mother. They're self-absorbed, refusing to socialise with neighbours or make friends where they live and relying on family handouts. They never follow through and they treat others around them passive-aggressively.

Worst of all my mother has the nerve to look down on me for "not having a better job/a partner/a nice house at [my] age" (I'm not even 29 yet?) when I've worked three times as hard as she ever has at shittier jobs than she's ever had and for half the pay (thanks, Boomer economy!) despite better qualifications than she could ever hope to get and more aspiration besides. Both my parents tolerate that I am a gay woman but begrudgingly, especially my father who routinely "forgets" things like my birthday or the spelling of my name or where I went to College (he even "forgot" to tell his sports-watching buds I was his daughter, once).

Sorry to rant at such length, OP. I'm just so upset and frustrated when I think on this, how it's like I went to sleep at 9 years old, woke up at 25 and realised my 50 y.o. parents are actually deplorable jokes. I guess they always were this way and I just had unconscious blinkers on (I was a very depressed and insular teenager, go fig). I've been fed up and unhappy with them for 15 years or more, I think, but I've repressed those feelings for so long that I'm having trouble working up the courage to act on them now. I feel lost, alone, scared. I've also just recently come to terms with the fact that this rift is also 50% coming from me, and stems from my own restlessness and entitlement and personal wants & needs as much from the stagnancy of my folks. They got old and terrible like everybody else, and I didn't leave their side as soon as I should have done. Ah, regrets.

When he went on talk radio and told people he's cisgendered and straight.

Falling in love ... while he dated a beautiful, smart, nice girl.... Years later, he came out.... Brokeback ....

blackmail

Thinking back on my past relationships, it was when I found someone else to love. I believe a small part of you, at least this is true in my case, will always love them regardless of the circumstances. In the case of a friend who I had to let go, was when I realized that meth was now in control of his life and he was now only a shell of who he once was. As for family, I never give up on them. They're family and they are forever. You don't have to be around them all the time, but the family connection never goes away.

He was closeted and I finally realized he would never come out.

He was a drama queen.

I gave up on someone who became famous and used me as a security blanket. I should have left then but stuck around for a selfish reason, thinking his fame could open doors for me. I finally let go when he told me he was too famous to even be friends with me. I thanked him for becoming such an asshole that he made it easy to forget I loved him once. I don't even jerk off to him anymore. Also, I have a foot fetish and saw a photo of his feet on a famousmale website and wasn't even turned on. His feet were stubby and hairy and a bit too small for his height.

Gambler.

couldn't keep cash in my house..... found it and tool it, even in the craziest hiding places. Like he could smell it

He had to go when I finally felt stupid and couldn't forgive him again and let him stay.

He said supposably.

I'm a loyal guy. I understand what is to be human. Jealousy, envy, deviousness, insincerity, etc - it's never been who I am. I'm a good listener, and I have no judgement for you. I'll listen to your stories, and I'll keep your secrets - EVEN the ones you have no idea that I know. "Deliberate cruelty is unforgivable." - Blanche DuBois.

Betrayal comes in many forms - some more severe than others. I can take a lot. I can carry a heavy load for a great length of time. That said, once I decide that I never should have let things progress so far, then I'm done. To sum it up - once I'm tired of your shit, then I'm tired of it for good.

Mental illness. He started thinking the government was tapping the phone, etc. constant drama and conflict. Always needed a enemy. Exhausting.

When he died

R23, you sound exhausting. At least you realize that part of the situation is your fault.

Alcoholism.

I supported him through bleak and harsh times. When I, on a rare occurrence, needed and requested directly for some support (not financial), he couldn't even provide a single phone call. Mind you, when positions were reversed and the needs were higher and constant..

He voted for Trump.

His refusal to let me borrow any of his caftans

Narcissistic. Always about him and nobody else.Fascinating in a way to observe but one day you think"WTF?".

He confused "you're" and "your."

When he told one of my friends that he could do better and that's why he wasn't willing to admit we were dating to anyone. Ten years later, he is still single and lonely.

I gave up on someone I loved when I realized he lacked the skill set for having a successful, long term relationship. Also, he was/is the type of guy who fell madly in love with you ONLY after he was dumped by you.

Who wants a guy who wants you, because you’re the one who got away?

No thanks.

When he refused to release an album we wrote together or admit that we were sometime-lovers or even friends. After that I had to tell him hooroo.

He had a baby dick

R15 lmao

R36 seriously. R23 get help

He became more and more politically conservative. I knew we had differing views when we first got together, but 7 years later he went off the right wing deep end

He got fat and lazy

He had a shopping addiction which became a hording issue.

I wasn’t going to deal with that anymore

Disloyalty.

Borderline personality disorder

His constant whining.

I'll take that to heart, R36 and R48. Reading my post back I realise how awfully it all comes across, whingeing and pathetic and long-winded. I don't like the 'Me' who wrote that and I apologise for posting it here. I think what drove me to reply in that way is that I was a little drunk and just got ghosted by someone, but it's still no excuse. The content is sadly all true and I really am that frustrated, but I don't need to bore y'all with it.

I actually agree with you both that I need to talk to someone. I'd like to become a stronger more independent person who behaves differently, but after years of on-off various therapies (and I've tried 'em all - CBT, DT, IPT, drug-supported, psychodynamic, hypno, hydro, Arts) I've had no success. Is there anything I'm missing here, or a different therapy either of you could recommend? I'm asking sincerely, gay person to gay person.

I would ghost you, r55. And I have never, ever ghosted anyone before.

Ian Spillane--full of shit

He refused to get treatment for his cancer. I would not watch him die.

He was caught cheating and did all the sobbing, the "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm a piece of shit. I'll never forgive myself" speeches, promised never to do it again, and even spoke of wanting to kill himself. Really putting on a great performance that would put Meryl Streep to shame. But that is all it was; a performance. Within a few months he was browsing the Craigslist casual encounters again.

When he tried to kill me, and stole thousands out of my bank account, while I was in a coma.

1. i was too emotionally slutty

2. he was cheating on me with his wife

Wow, R56–you like kicking puppies in your spare time as well mate?

This girls sort of weird and a sad case but you don’t need to stick the boot into quite that hard. She does need/want some help and cops to that which in my estimation puts her streets ahead of some of the freaks &geeks we have here (that’s a hell of a sliding curve I know..🤐🤐🤐🤐...)

She probably shouldn’t have come here asking for that help but too late now eh? Just calm it down is all.

He got married and I was his best man. Eventually they divorced, but by then I was living cross country and he married again to a woman who could give him children. First wife was barren - shrunken ovaries or something like that. Plus she cheated on him. He used to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck. When I asked him why, his answer was always, You wanted me to, so shut up!”. He loved doing that when she was in another room, added to the excitement and danger. But whenever I would reciprocate and/or suggest we carry it a step further, he’d clam up. We all were in the military together, pre DADT. I’ve seen him on Facebook - completely bald. And a potbelly.

And 💔I still love him....

I quit him.

r64 = Robert Plant

A sibling got control over an elderly relative, and abused the person. Plus the batshit crazy Trumpism and homophobia.

He refused to grow the fuck up. We started dating at 29 (him) and 31 (me) and I was already to the point of being over the bar scene. By 34 I had quit smoking, but he refused to. As we approached 40 he was still smoking (cigs and weed) and still wanted to hit the bars all the time. We agreed to be open and I let him use Grindr to hook up because I thought that's what it would take to keep him.

He eventually left me for one of his hookup guys, probably so he could still act like a drink bar/app whore at 40.

Twas for the best. Good riddance. I want an adult with his shit together.

Why the hate for r23? It made a lot of sense to me as someone who has fallen out of touch with my family for similar reasons.

R68, there are a few miserable, hating, negative troll assholes on DL who go around to every thread being complete cunts no matter what the subject matter. One in particular posts/begins new threads on a constant basis it seems. Best to just ignore them. R23, hang in there buddy, and thanks for sharing your story - I'm sure there are others who can relate. Best wishes to you both.

[quote]Why the hate for [R23]?

They blame everything on baby boomers.

Bitch ran out of Benjamins.

R23, I'm no therapist, but these stood out for me in particular: [quote]realising that I don't love (and maybe never did love) people I probably should, i.e. family both immediate and extended, old friends, mentors.

[quote]My mother is such a bore and a dullard I can barely believe I've put up with her all these years, and to make matters worse she is physically unrecognizable now.

[quote]They got old and terrible like everybody else, and I didn't leave their side as soon as I should have done.

[quote]I'd like to become a stronger more independent person who behaves differently, but after years of on-off various therapies (and I've tried 'em all - CBT, DT, IPT, drug-supported, psychodynamic, hypno, hydro, Arts) I've had no success.

Honestly, and I'm not trying to scare you, to me it sounds like you might have a serious problem if you can't feel affection for anyone and you have a positive loathing for your parents because of their ordinariness - and I don't discount the real gripes you may have with them or that they may have disappointed you in various ways. If no therapy has worked, it could be more deep-seated than you want to admit. Have you seen a psychiatrist? If not, that would be the first stop, and be open to possibilities, even if what they tell you is unpalatable. If yes, find a better one.

I've given up - at least for the time being, with good cause and not without being open to future improvement - on a family member who is (consciously) isolating themselves based on a delusion that everyone else is (somehow) standing in their way, is "toxic", etc. It's a problem that goes way back and which involves trauma.

I wish you the best, R23. I think it'll be a hard road ahead, but you seem motivated.

She wasn’t at all the person I thought she was. Polar opposite.

She lives in the quaint inviting home with some “love” art thing on the front porch. But she is truly mean as a snake.

We are middle-aged now. I thought I left assholes back in my 20s & 30s. But she’s pretty much the worse person I’ve met. She yells all the time. Very angry.

And inexplicably, I do love her. But I’m afraid of her.

I told her once that what we say (or scream) at others can last forever. But she’s of the mindset that dislosing anger is true intimacy. But it leaves scars.

Words can wound! 😉

Not explaining an unsuccessful suicide attempt, and worse pretending like it never happened.

The lack of closure has rippled like a destructive wave through the last several years of my life. Fuck him.

Alcoholism

Incest

Domestic violence

Drugs

Unemployment

Dumped him and he came running back but it was over.

Constantly asking for financial help while never making any changes in his life or listening to basic advice like opening a bank account and having paychecks directly deposited.

When I realized he was a sex/porn addict. I could never relax. I realized he'd do it to anyone. I'd realize money was being wasted. I had realized there is no cure for his mental disorder. I'd realize I could be afflicted with sexual diseases. I'd read forums of spouse's addicts some in their 70s with spouses still sneaking on the computer. Spouses of addict never being able to retire or reduced to living in near poverty in their old age because of potential savings being blown on internet pornography and cam whores.

I realized the deep down envy and resentment of the sociopathic covert narcissist. Learned a valuable lesson in that the deficits of of his childhood background would plague him forever.

Single psycho mother who had four children with different fathers. Refused to abort him at the behest of his married bio dad with two other children. She was in a fight to the death with the father's wife so gave birth to him out of spite to the wife. Of course the dad had to abandon his son when the crazy mother would call social services on the wife and had her and her two young kids suddenly cut off of aid while bio dad was in prison.

She was such a petty spiteful shrew. Racist as all hell despite being a single welfare mother herself. Abandoned her son flat with new kid and stepfather moving out of state.

One can never recover from a mother like that with a deadbeat bio dad. I had to constantly walk on eggshells being careful about recalling cherished memories of my childhood. Even though I too had a narcissist mom who stained my childhood,enabling dad was present to temper her somewhat.

Took years for me to realize I would somehow pay in some way by honoring my dad's memory. Don't even think the ex even consciously realized his motivation for exacting his envy and revenge. Shortly after he would harp on some supposed flaw of mine and ruin my birthday which falls right after father's day.

One father's day I dusted off a framed photo of my toddler self being adored by my dad's loving gaze. I lit candles around the frame like a shrine. As I lit those candles I thanked my dad for the times he'd taken me to a beach parking lot. We'd sit in his lap and he'd let us steer. He'd take us to a nearby hill after snow storms with the neighborhood kids in tow carefully catching the flying saucer at the bottom. He become ill and impossible when we hit adulthood but it could never erase what a great dad he was to us when he had his health. Holidays, dad's birthday got the shrine treatment. A good friend connected the dots for me as I couldn't see it. After a few hours the ex would become inexplicably moody lasting for days. This was my "punishment". Always ruining my birthday.

The morale of this overly long post is that it is wise to avoid trying to love people who hail from a different background. His boyfriend before me had such a terrible father that the ex pitied HIM. They were bonded by their similar shitty childhoods. Their breakup was due to ex's relocation.

Let these people partner with other people with deep childhood scars. You may think you loved them but looking back, you really didn't. Instead you pitied them. No one can love them not even themselves. Their own parents didn't love them.

Relinquish any guilt you may have regarding being true to yourself. Your gut instinct and true self loves you more than them.

Your true self, higher self LOVES you more than you will ever know.

He tried to scam me

I don't want to see my brother or hear from him anymore. He's self-centered, lazy, uncaring, callous, arrogant, vulgar, no sense of duty, doesn't want to take much responsibility for our dying parent. When it's all over, that's it, no more of him.

Explosive, violent temper. Never apologized, never corrected the behavior.

Psychopathy. Brother. It took 20 years of serious repeated damage, manipulation and lies before family members agreed we could never have a safe, normal relationship with him. He used our empathy against us until we finally recognized that fact. and, once recognized, put a stop to it. My dad nearly died twice before he saw it. But once seen, there’s no going back.

Alcoholism

On the verge of breaking up. Where to begin? Lacks requisite empathy. Everything is about him. His mood swings. Way too much involvement in and from a family that lives off of his success. An ex that he wont send packing from our lives. The biggest thing is he just doesn’t honor my feelings. Like if he does something to hurt me he then makes it worse by attacking me for having hurt feelings. Also he’s very insecure and seeks counsel from everyone but his own intuition. Also he’s started commenting with increasing frequency about other guys he finds attractive. Help!

[quote]Like if he does something to hurt me he then makes it worse by attacking me for having hurt feelings.

Major red flag...run for the hills.

Sorry...good,luck

Yep, R85 , dump his ass! Attacking you for being hurt by his inconsiderate actions is not worth it.

Best friend from junior high until my late 40s...she was very self destructive and it was hard to watch. She was in an abusive relationship and put her children in danger. I still have a close relationship with her oldest child.

If you are subjected to someone who praises others about how wonderful they are in a passive aggressive dig to elevate another over you, run.

My narc mother used to pull this. It is a trait in the narc playbook. Reverse it and do this to them and look for narcissistic injury followed by simmering rage, then run.

R85, a sign of a narc is when they refer to you as "too sensitive". You're actual being is being discounted. Before you dump that narc use their tactics against them. Then run.

Realized that despite the caring facade, he was actually mean-spirited, untruthful, manipulative and dishonest. The sad thing is, he still has plenty of willing victims who buy into his bullshit because he's hot.

Lack of respect or acknowledgement of my feelings.

People seem to think that I should accept whatever treatment they give me and typically get upset when I stand up for myself. It's obviously a form of gaslighting/manipulation, but it also implies that they don't view me as their equal. Real love isn't condescending.

I never have to see the guy again whom I described in r3. I'm glad.

Cheater and that’s why I bit his dick. He has a scar from that.

My fucked-up deadbeat father telling me outright that he didn’t care if I killed myself in a depressive fugue, then later shrugging when he took my beloved dog of fifteen years to be put down. Also, his dead-behind-the-eyes look in recent years and his inability to cry or genuinely smile or show emotion of any kind beyond red-faced booming rage.

At this point I’m basically waiting for him to snap and do something dangerous to someone whether kin or civilian, and so I’m subtly dropping hints to my Moms to either dump his ass and flee the country or otherwise incapacitate him.

He comes from broken homes, abuse, the military etc. and I realise now he is literally too damaged to love or care.

After 15 years, r95, was your doggie in not-so-great shape?