Aimless

And?

Just hoped for advice, as I've seen thoughtful and insightful advice from dataloungers before. It's okay if no-one answers seriously. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Why pills of course. Get some.

Ditto OP. In an effort to avoid anxiety and stress, I avoid as much as I can. I dont believe anything has meaning so it’s hard to motivate to do anything but make a paycheck to survive. Just passing time and enjoying a nice day when I can until the fat lady sings.

I'm pretty resourceful about keeping myself active and entertained but I also have those moments. I watched four episodes of House Hunters today and felt quite content. I also take myself to good movies and read literature and listen to music and NPR. I also make an effort to keep up with friends and I collect, research, and sell antiques. I find them cheap at antique sales and sell them in a collective. It's quite absorbing and addictive.

Whenever I feel purposeless I just keep trying things until something sticks. Ultimately, we all have to keep ourselves busy and interested because in the end our lives just slip away and all that's left is memories of those who cared, then they die, too.

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained." You said it yourself, now try to live it. Try something new that you feel might give you direction and satisfaction: what have you hoped to have in your life that is missing?

Read “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor Frankl.

Life changing book. He was a prisoner during WW2 in the concentration camps. He realized that the only freedom a man has is his response to outside stimuli. He chose to treat his tormentors as humans and show them kindness when they showed him brutality. By the end of the war, his prison camp was the only one where all of the guards voluntarily surrendered. They had been so affected by his actions that they could no longer justify their behavior. He advocated for exoneration for many of them.

Sadly I am not drawn to anything else I would move towards it, but maybe I should try different things and see what sticks, as r5 suggested.

R4, I truly understand what you are saying.

R7, I did read an article talking about his book years ago. You advise reading the whole thing?

OP everything you wrote I can relate to. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and eeking out an existence until I die.

Absolutely, R9

It will depress the fuck out of you. It will make you question humanity at its core.

And then it will help you understand how not to be miserable.

This dude lived in the most miserable circumstances of all time and thrived all because he recognized that he still had control between stimuli and response. That is the key point. When something makes you angry or sad or upset, you must remember that you have the power to determine how you are going to process and express those feelings. There are a few positive ways, and innumerable negative ways.

Perspective is a big key as well. Spending time in Africa or India and seeing the gross poverty is enough to make even low income in the USA look opulent. If you are in any way middle class then you should be punched for being miserable in face of limitless opportunities for connection with humanity.

"What tips could you give me. I feel I have watched my life pass me by, and it is meaningless. "

Get the fuck off the internet and have face time with real people in person.

Some good suggestions here. I think reading the right books at just the right time can be epic in helping us navigate our course. Here's one thing that I have learned. I have found that the 4 times in my life that I have made big changes by moving to a new city ,because of either personal or career reasons, have made me happier each time. It has forced me to evaluate what to take with me and what to toss. That includes stuff as well as people. Five years ago I moved to a city where I knew no one. I worked a ton then made one friend that led to three others. I didn't love it but it was a good time to assess what I really wanted in life. So I moved across the country to CA to live with my boyfriend. Finally I stepped up and"blew up" my status quo once again. It's scary at first but once you become confident that you can make your own life better, it changes everything. I'm just figuring this out at 50 years old.

R13 here. To clarify, moving west to join my boyfriend was the last change I made. My post read as if I had just blown that up. I was unclear.

R13, that makes sense. It also links into what r11 was alluding to, having a strong internal locus of control. I am feeling out of control, and a puppet in my own life, so perhaps it's time to do the work to regain that.

R10, I know these are just words, but I truly hope it gets better for you. You are worthwhile, and you deserve it.

I was aimless for years, just surviving. Then enjoying life a bit, then realizing that I just didn't like my life as it was, and a few more years if trying to figure out what I really wanted and how to get it. I didn't really make any big movies until my early forties, and I might never have if I hadn't been laid off from a boring but seemingly secure job. At that point, all my options changed.

The thing is, most people rely on breeding to give their lives some purpose, even if they've never done anything else they've produced a new generation. Obviously most of us aren't doing that, so we need to look at careers, relationships, the arts, or helping to give our lives meaning.

Thank you r17. That's great.

Learn how to give and to give back in life. Are you helping anyone or anything out there, people or animals? Everyday I go out and feed and give TLC to 8 stray cats that would not have much of a life without me. I am very dedicated to them.

You are not worthless or leading an aimless life if you are helping someone or something in life on a regular basis. It helps you to grow and change and become a better person. The Universe loves a giver.

R19 is correct. As long as your life is about me, me, me then you're all wrapped up in yourself. Learn to come out of yourself and see what's going on out there. Is there something you can do for others? You don't have to be the next Mother Teresa but just doing small deeds for others in your little corner of the world will help others and you. Even just giving others a nice smile is a form of giving. Try to do one good thing for others every day and it will make you feel better about yourself.

Thanks. In a kind of way, that is the opposite of my life. I am a disability support worker, of both physical and mental disabilities. I know I am good at my job (from various levels of feedback). I am a source of support and help to those in my life. I think I may be burnt out, and instead of it affecting my outside relationships, it is affecting me. I am having trouble working 60 hours a week, and keeping up with my studies. I put all of myself into whatever I do, but I am struggling. I am not the kind to ask for help, so this has been good for me. Thanks for many of your kindness.

Nearly everyone on this thread has given me things to consider. I truly appreciate it. Thank you.

What I meant to say, is I think I have stopped living my life for myself a long time ago. I am a supporting player in everyone else's lives, but not the star in my own.

And the one thing I do for myself (study) is always the last to get a look in. Which is obviously on me, when it comes to a question of balance and boundaries.

Sorry everyone. I was feeling especially low/weak yesterday.

Thank you r16. That means a lot to me.

Why does one's life have to have meaning? Are we going to be graded and judged at the end of life and rewarded based on what we've accomplished or whose lives we've improved? The idea of being accomplished or important seems based in self centered-ness.

Being aimless or lacking goals that you strive to work hard for seems to me, like a nice stress free existence.

My main goal is to be content, derive some pleasure during my life and to be serene.

[quote] Read “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor Frankl.

I read this book and it certainly didn’t change my life. I like it because it made this point:

“We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

OP ME,TOO......

Stop comparing your life to other people and just be you. Be grateful for what you already have. You'd be surprised that it really is the little things that matter. Little things that go unnoticed. Open your eyes and you'll be amazed. If you dwell on what you don't have or what you're not, then you'll never break out of your rut of misery.

Just move your body, OP. Every day. Then try to find things that make you happy. We all think that our life is supposed to have some great meaning that we can never achieve and then we get depressed when we don't find it. Try to find the things that make you content. Then start to focus on the things that you can do that will make others content. Pretty soon your life develops a rhythm and you wake up some (not all) mornings feeling content. I can tell you this. I attempted suicide at one point and am glad I didn't succeed. It really is true that unless you live in extremely dire circumstances, you do have the option to start to be happy.

Service to others, as mentioned upthread. However shitty or meaningless you might think your life is, get out there and find others who have needs greater than your own. It will offer you questions about your own life that may, indeed, lead to answers.

The Datalounge cure: volunteer, exercise, meet new people, change your diet, learn something new! (Did I miss anything?)

Make peace with the meaninglessness of it all. I did that long ago and I feel zero guilt sleeping my weekends away, watching Netflix (HBO etc.), and getting my paycheck so that I can be comfortable and travel. Aside from that, I know my health with slip away, as will family and friends. I'm going to enjoy life while I can and then I'll slide into oblivion that everyone has or does eventually. I do try to give and be loving day-to-day, but deep down I just don't give a shit about anything.

"What I meant to say, is I think I have stopped living my life for myself a long time ago. I am a supporting player in everyone else's lives, but not the star in my own. "

You sound like someone who needs either a boyfriend or a hobby!

I don't need to explain the value of a boyfriend, or at least, the value of one who doesn't treat you as a supporting player. But if no man is available, hobbies are a way to both claim "me time" and to be interested in something besides yourself, and in some cases, to bring out your creative spirit. Say you take up landscape painting or woodworking, that's time when nobody is making demands on you, and where your mind is totally focused on the beauty of the landscape or the feel of the wood grain. Believe me it helps to take that mental and physical time out, take it from someone who has a high-stress healthcare job! It's a way to keep your mental balance, and maybe, to have something beautiful or that you're proud of.

[quote]You don't have to be the next Mother Teresa but just doing small deeds for others in your little corner of the world will help others and you.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

R34 Bingo!

I think of this song when I have existential angst.

OP, reading really helps me when I'm feeling aimless. Great books really energize me. I read “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor Frankl many years ago, too. I found it very meaningful and thought of it often when I struggled. Here's something else I find inspirational. A little poem written that's written on a cloth bookmark I hold dear.

If of thy mortal goods thou art bereft,

And from thy slender store two loaves alone to thee are left,

Sell one, and with the dole

Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul.

By Moslih Eddin Saadi, a medieval Persian poet, died 1291

R37

6. Without hope, meaning, a future, death will come soon

Read the whole article.

R19

Sorry to be pedantic, but that story is as old as the parable of the loaves and the dishes of FISHES. Damn dictation.

When Jesus passed the basket with 12 loaves and five fish, they weren’t miraculously replaced by some supernatural force, they were voluntarily supplemented by the members of the community that had excess and luxury.

The fucking Bible is full of incredibly powerful stories when they are properly explained. Unfortunately, exegesis has been removed from liberal arts and parsing true meaning from texts thousands of years old is a dying art.

R26

How the fuck can you say this and maintain the book had no impact? It showed you were a selfish asshole who didn’t give a fuck about anyone else.

““We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

—Anonymous

OP, since you already give a lot to others, could you schedule something nurturing for yourself like a therapeutic massage?

I have issues with depression sometimes and it’s very hard to get motivated. I’m doing a lot better now because I made a rule for myself - that if some opportunity presented itself for me to go out and do something, I would do it. It’s so easy to cocoon yourself in the house and never come out these days.

A guy from the DNC kept calling me every few weeks saying he needed volunteers. He finally talked me into it and I decided to go and see what it’s about. Turns out that a lot of people volunteer one or maybe two times and never show up again. So I decided to stick it out to the end, since there’s an end date, which is Election Day. That’s not that long a commitment.

The DNC is so desperate for people that will commit, it’s about a month later and they already are piling more and more responsibility on me because nobody else will show up without fail.

It sounds to me like OP might have some issues with depression too. God knows there’s plenty of things to be depressed about these days. My advice is that if you feel life has no meaning, volunteer for something that has meaning for you. Something that you are sick and tired of seeing nothing get better. You can be what makes it better, at least a little bit.

The volunteers at the DNC can volunteer as little as one hour a week. They are literally trying to knock on the door of every single Democrat in the state. The goal is to drag every single Democrat to the polls. The guy who manages my office says he is prepared to knock on the door of every non-voter in his district and literally put them in the car and carry them to the polls. Every single person. He’s not kidding either, I’ve never seen anybody so driven.

If you are surrounded with positive people doing positive works, it gives you energy.

I liked what R26 wrote. I don't get why you are upset R40.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the [bold]last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way.[/bold]

R43

The idiot took the exact OPPOSITE lesson from the small section he quoted.

Authoritarian personality types are not like normal people.

The problem that gays face is that we generally do not have children. The reason it seems like our friends' lives are full of purpose, while ours do not (even when we have achieved similar levels of success and supposed fulfillment) is because they have children.

I never would have agreed with this in my 20s or even during my early 30s. By my late 30s I was questioning the meaning of life and now, at 42, I am convinced that children hold the key.

Have you tried scrapbooking?

R46

Mid 30s, now exclusively dating women that want kids. Had enough men.

Sorry, R48, I am not going to make common cause with you. I am not ashamed of being gay. I would like to have children, and I think it would address the aimlessness that the OP has described, but if I do have children, it won't be with a woman ... because I am not interested in living in a closet.

How are you going to find a woman who will accept the fact that you sleep with men? And don't lie to us (or yourself) and pretend that it's going to stop, either. Because you know that it won't.

You have an entirely different set of issues, I am afraid.

R40 I think you are projecting. I didn’t say the book didn’t have impact. I said it didn’t change my life. I found the author’s theories interesting and relatable. But I would not go so far as to say life-changing.

I think OP just has woken up to the realities of late-stage cap italis m.

Hey, you don't need to worry so much until you're tricking and living out of a 4mx4m internet café cubicle.

[quote]The idiot took the exact OPPOSITE lesson from the small section he quoted.

Someone will say 'are you new here' (I'm not), but there was zero reason to call that poster an idiot for what he wrote.

Plus, that IS a great quote.

Strangely watching friends become parents and then dealing with the illnesses and deaths of my own parents, I’ve now reached the conclusion that children are not the answer.

Having children to inject meaning into life is egotistical and cruel. Too many kids are born to fulfill needs of parents. I think it is a greater kindness to not have kids and subject them to the same life of suffering and meaninglessness.

[quote]Read “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor Frankl

I read that book in 1984. Most depressing book I've ever read. Concentration camps, starving people near death, etc.

I agree with R53, children are not THE answer, they are just the most common answer. Or the answer that most people would give, if you asked them what made their lives meaningful, and frankly from what I've seen and experienced it's not a very good answer.

Of course most of us on this thread aren't going to be breeding, but for some of us "Generativity" might be an answer - not reproducing, but contributing to generations that come after us in some way. Teaching, adoption, mentoring, pediatric medicine, anything where you help someone grow into a functional adult or pass on your knowledge.

Quit working sixty hours a week and go have some fun!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

"I believe a young man or woman is dye-stamped with their character between the ages of four and 18. "

That had better not be true, because I'm not the only one who's had to unlearn everything almost I learned between the ages of four and eighteen.

Yeah depressing thought R58. Until 18, I was trained to reject all fun and happiness for the sake of duty and to fear the worst would happen at all times. Became an introverted neurotic with anxiety issues. At 50,I’ve learned to try to be happy and to give up a lot of the fear. Coming out as a gay man allowed me to choose a different life than what I was trained for. I think I’m different than who I was an have a fuller life than what would have been expected at 18.

R53

The movie “Arrival” changed my perception.

I’ve had several cats. One of them has been critical to my survival in a dark period.

All but one is dead. Are children somehow different?

R54

Children can be trained.

Feral children is the biggest problem in society today.

R55

Yet you still remember the title and contents.

It is difficult to say that a book that you read 30 years ago didn’t change your life if you still remember it that viscerally.

R61 Yes children are very different to cats (pets). Pets are animals whose sole purpose in life is to please their owner. Pets don’t grow up and become independent. Pets are totally dependent on us....and on and on. I suspect the reason that parenthood is merely a bandaid that wears off after a few years is that many people do believe a child will fit into their life like a pet and “complete them” and make them while. Very often said children are conceived after women learn that marriage did not “complete them” after all.

Agree, R64

I don’t expect a perfect child, and if they are sociopaths then grooming them to be benign becomes a priority.

I have already prepared for my nieces/nephews, but now I want a child of my own. He/she will have a huge family that can care for and protect them if I die.

After reading The Alchemist it occurred to me that a goal can give our lives meaning and get us out of bed every morning even if it’s never fulfilled. Many people coast along and look on their younger years with rose tinted glasses as their “prime”. These people in my experience are married, have kids, a job they plan to keep for life and no hobbies. A goal, small or lofty, would give them a new lease on life. Write a book, aim to climb Half Dome in Yosemite, complete a marathon, paint a picture, get a degree, learn to swim, cycle Route 66, take the Orient Express......... I think what keeps me sane despite being a bit of a pessimist is that I always have something I’m working towards. Right now I’m taking a writing course every Wednesday evening and I’ve been hiking for a while with plans to hike the John Muir Trail solo.

r63 - I am a very visual person (architect) and I found Frankl's book just too disturbing despite the pearls of wisdom. In 1991, I came across a very interesting book "Everyday Zen" by Joko Beck. Now THAT opened the floodgates as did Joseph Campbell's books - too numerous to cite here.

R66

You’re basically paraphrasing Frankl.

Look at Paul McCartney, releasing horrific middle of the road pop shit at his advanced age.

Who cares? He paid for it, some people listen to it, and no one else is hurt unless it makes it onto the Muzak playlist. At that point they should be allowed to sue his geriatric ass.

When someone asked Fran Lebowitz recently why she liked to read - reading has been her primary activity since she was a teen- Fran responded, in all seriousness: Because books are better than life.

I cannot disagree with her.

Life rushing by like an old movie backdrop.

R66, that is wise. I think you may have hit on something that more people need to hear; it has certainly been true for me. I'll never have native fluency in French, for example, but that doesn't discourage me from studying it, because it's the learning process itself that gives me pleasure, not the hope of some perfect end.

I got both "Man's search for meaning" by V. Frankl and "Everyday zen" by CK Beck from my library.

These better be good!

You need to go out and help someone else. Without expecting anything in return, including praise or even gratitude. This will help yourself.

R73, I have done that when it came to work, I've helped people. Now that I need help... silence. Helping others should be done in a neutral environment, outside of work for sure. But I get what you mean.

Hoping you find a satisfying hobby OP. Take solace that you are not alone in this feeling. Try to take joy in the little things and practise gratitude. We all have something to be grateful for. For me, other than being a hedonist, an epicurean, and a reader, taking time to be kind and loving toward others helps me feel worthwhile. Try to volunteer, and begin comparing yourself toward those less fortunate, rather than those better off. Some level of ennui is a natural feeling for a thinking man.

OP forgive me for the stereotype , but when I read your problem, which is serious and debilitating, I remember all the pretty club guys I knew who cared only about 1. Nightlife and parties 2. Fashion 3. Their beauty and how it could get them laid. They kind of snickered at me for liking antiques, being interested in genealogy, gardening spending lots of time with family and older people. Even then I said, wow they're in for a big nasty surprise in a few years. I'm not saying you weee them, but if any of that rings true to you, then just realize that you may have poisoned your mind against lots of activities you could enjoy, and which would bond you to other people. Worthwhile good people who will bolster you and support you. Go find them - they're probably people you already know.

The last thing you should consider is having children. Considering all the miseries parents have inflicted on children and in turn children on their parents I think anybody who has a child should be locked up in a psychiatric ward or at the very least given life imprisonment.

R76, for a long time now, I think being a total nerd is a better preparation for adulthood than being one of the cool kids. The nerd who is interested in books and science and whatever makes them geek out is going to be well-prepared for the post-beauty years.

True but think of giving up all the fun and joy of those beauty years. Why can't the intelligent young man or woman have both and take advantage of that fun to prepare a future?

Older people want to help out young people even if sex isn't involved. They just like being around attractive youth. Find those people.

Dear OP, I know exactly how you feel! I used to think I knew everything about everything and was following my truth. Then the midlife crisis hit, and I realized that all my previous drives and motivations were not merely just waning...BUT that they were based on flawed premises, and human constructs that I simply don't resonate with anymore. AT ALL. But what can take the place of the old? That's what I'm asking myself, and I'm right there with you in saying at times, it all seems pointless. But really, I think the seeking of meaning can inhibit the finding of it, because as the Buddhists and toddlers all know, we have to GET OUT OF OUR THOUGHTS completely, and back into our body, to find the contentment and peace that we seek.

When I look on my happiest moments as a child, I was an only child, and it was quiet. I spent a lot of time in "flow." Losing track of time, in a mystical mindset, either playing my synthesizer or drawing or writing or listening to music, or riding my bike. But there was a lot of inner spaciousness and almost zero projecting into the past or the future. Mostly I was curious about life, about others, about the world and about myself. Not aware of the clocktime so much. I definitely wasn't trapped in my thoughts ABOUT things. I was just experiencing things on their own terms. No analysis.

Adults have a lot of duties. Most days I feel like I'm in a huge rut or have to much on my "to do" list, to access that state of flow. I analyze myself, I scan others, I worry, and I plan. None of this brings me answers, peace, or joy.

I think the flow state is the key to lowering stress and feeling a contentment that transcends and resists one's attempt to justify or track it. FLOW is just a deeply grounded, content feeling. And I cannot stress this enough, FLOW can't happen when you are conscious of the clock and the passage of time. Which is something modern man has become way to bound up in -- the fucking CLOCK.

In spite of all the drudge of "adulting", it's pretty easy to access a flow state when traveling. Traveling gives people a sense of wonder and joy. You can detach from the clock and from the grind. Any time you can escape your rut, even for a day or an afternoon, life feels more abundant and rich with potential. I live in New England where there are a million little towns and villages. I will pick one and go take a drive and just see the cute little downtown, or find a trail, or a book store, and it just makes me feel a little more connected and alive. You don't have to fly to Cairo to get a novelty hit, in other words.

Any creative pursuit, especially learning a new skill like throwing pots on a wheel or knitting or painting, can put you in flow. It's not about being "good" or "talented" as much as it is a way to learn about yourself, to explore and process your inner life through the act of making things. Creativity is all about bringing forth something from nothing, so you can't help but feel a mystical, curious mindset when you are being creative.

Gardening is also a great way to experience a bit of zen everyday. And the plants become almost like your pets -- you fall in love with them a little bit and it's meaningful to see how a plant thrives under your care, stretching towards the sun and beaming with pride when it's needs are met. In fact, any time spent in nature, even sitting on a bench, is time well spent. Clocking time in green spaces cures anxiety, depression, ADHD, and grief.

I have to conclude that as a species, we have complicated the MOTHERFUCK out of the fairly simply act of sustaining our lives and the lives of our offspring. We are all prisoners manmade constructs, rules, habits, and red tape. It's almost entirely all bullshit. Anything related to seeking approval, straining for achievement and status, amassing possessions, and preening for ego strokes, is hollow.

[cont.] Overthinking your way through life is futile. Our minds are not meant to offer unlimited ideas or solutions. Brains are computers. We gather and sort data and predict outcomes based on the data we've accrued through the act of living life. That's why life starts out feeling so fun and exciting as kids, and feels so dull as you age! By the time you are 40 or 50, your data bank is so full that you are running a very gunked-up program, totally rooted in past experiences and projected future outcomes. There's little room left for novelty, curiosity, or open-mindedness.

Simplify your life, tell your brain to shut up, and seek your FLOW. Ask your inner child self what would be fun to do, and then do it.

I am with you OP - I also have been working to support people with physical, psychological and developmental disabilities. It is a beautiful thing, but it is hard. And I see colleagues who are not even looking after themselves. Can you do this kind of work, but privately/independently? This is what I have started doing. Giving care and support but on my own terms. I know that this kind of work is fulfilling but we need to be in charge of it ourselves. Too many will take advantage of your kind nature. You look after yourself first! xx

ps Gardening is the shit. You care. It grows. Win win!

Great posts, R80/81. I'm printing it out.

R72 I am going to have to check out “Everyday Zen” now. Thank you!

I will respond to your post R80, but I need to reflect on what you wrote first.

Excellent posts, R80 and r81. And in addition to the activities you cited (traveling, gardening, painting, etc.), I would add another activity that most people can do: cooking. I try to push myself to experiment with new cuisines, so that I'm learning while I'm creating.

Something I’m going to start doing is donate to gofundme animal causes, for example a cat that needs surgery or a dog that needs surgery—or any animal. Bunny, hamster, etc. I was looking at profiles last night and was feeling less depressed and more purposefilled as I was looking at profiles.

Or r88 you could start your own sham go fund me faux animal distress profile.

Do you wake up every morning full of anger and spite, r89?