More of you would have boyfriends if you would just settle

You manage to sound both unhinged and stupid, OP. Well done.

Funnily enough I am not that picky about body... but I do like an attractive face and intelligence is non-negotiable. Also, a grown up who you can count on.

I demand to have a dude exactly like this! I will not accept anything less!

And, R3, I suspect you haven 't.

And the issue with being single is....?

I like humor, intelligence, and an easy-going personality... I’ve been with my partner of 8 years and he has none of those things.

I’m dying to be single again

LOL, R6... sorry but that's beautifully put. Sorry for you though.

I fell in love with the man of my dreams at 23. We were together 24 years. The relationship ran its course and we both moved on but remain friends. I dated (slept around) for 5 years looking for the next "man of my dreams". Nothing. I decided perhaps I was being too picky. I met someone who was anxious to take the relationship to the next level and I decided ok, let's go for it - even though I knew I did not have strong feelings for him. I told myself I was being too picky. A mediocre relationship is better than being alone, right? Right? The first two years were fine, then the fun quirky personality I originally found charming slowly began to transform into full blown psychosis (made worse by his persistent fondness for tequila). At the 5 years mark I told him the relationship wasn't working and asked him to move out. For the last 6 years I've been happy and single.

Lesson learned - Don't settle.

OP believes the more attractive guys should be settling for his fug ass.

The ones I want to have sex with don't want me. And vice versa. It is a problem, like me, that is as old as the hills.

It's possible, but I'm really holding out for a girlfriend.

"Once you do that, the rest is easy." It sounds like you're making a pie, Amanda.

What's so bad about being single and dying alone?

You better starve, than eat whatever. And better be alone, than with whoever. (c) not mine

I'd rather watch porn and beat off than to settle.

I fell in love with my guy about 30 years ago. We're now separated. I love him and want him every bit as much as I ever did, evn though he doesn't want me in that way. I count on him, all the time. He's my best friend. I didn't settle: I fell into something special, and no one or nothing else has ever come close to taking its place.

I think my husband settled for me. There, I said it.

R16 Yeah that's not settling, that's true love. I won't be satisfied with anything less.

OP is a doormat.

Don't settle for a lesser. Work hard to find the right one for you.

We need to start a poll to see what percentage of Dlers are partnered.

This is depressing....

OP has a point. How many guys on here claim they are lonely, single and fell like the gay world treats them like the are invisible. Only to find you they are 55 only attracted to or interested in dating someone 25. Well duh, unless you won the daddy/boy lottery, most guys that age will not have a shred of interest in you and you shouldn't expect them to.

Been with my boyfriend 10 years. He is so handsome and can be really sweet. Except he is an alcoholic. But I know if he wasn't a drunk he wouldn't have given me the time of day because he would be out of my league. So I enjoy him when he doesn't drink and keep my own place so I can have a break from him when I want.

[QUOTE]I’m dying to be single again

Buy my book!

What do you do, OP, about dickdontgetharditis?

R24, there's pills for that.

I tried that but Thelma wouldn't let me

Yeah, r25, I'm going to "just settle" so I can take pills so I can get a hard-on lying next to someone who doesn't make my dick hard naturally. What a life.

My last relationship ended when I was 49. It lasted 7 years, and though my younger partner was far from the man of my dreams, I thought I wasn't likely to do better at my age and tried to settle. It was a struggle, but eventually I got to a point where I was comfortable with my choice, provided we only had sex on weekends after I got drunk out of my mind. When he was leaving, I told him I only did what I did so we could be together. He looked at me incredulously and said, "If you wanted to be with me and you knew I hated drunks, why did you drink?" So I told the truth: I couldn't worry about how he felt about my drinking because drinking was what it took for me to stay. I'm 56 now, sick at the thought of getting involved ever again, and have a glass of wine three or four times a year if the mood strikes me when I'm out with friends. The moral of the story is, being willing to settle is one thing, being able to settle is quite another.

[quote]Being willing to settle is one thing, being able to settle is quite another.

Bears repeating.

That should like a horrible relationship r28, but to be honest, based on your description, it really sounds like that was 90% your fault for getting into it in the first place. If you went sexually comparable then what did you think would happen drinking all that time to mask your feelings?

Reread the headline, r30.

R30, of course it was my fault. I'd never settled for anything before, but facing growing old alone is scary. Though not as scary as being with the wrong man, it turns out. Besides, it's not like you want a Rolls and settle for a Chevy. Your Chevy might just not appreciate being settled for.

Surely there's a midpoint between whose attracted to you and who you're attracted to in return? it's not easy to find but it's there.

On the other hand looks aren't everything. You can learn to appreciate someone you didn't think you'd be attracted to at first- as long as they're objectively good looking anyway. good luck to all

[quote]Surely there's a midpoint between who's attracted to you and who you're attracted to in return? it's not easy to find but it's there.

Unless it isn't.

Interestingly, as I’ve gotten older, I care very little about the looks of the guys I date than their personalities. Sure I like generally handsome and not crazy fat, but what I consider fine has changed a lot.

As has happened a lot, if a gorgeous man with a terrible personality (or an alcoholic) asks me out, I just say no

I settled OP. I was alone and lonely at 40 and decide to start dating with the intention of finding a boyfriend.

Third guy I went out with was "good enough". We were the same age, the same looks wise, (neither of us very attractive,) and the same position in life.

Six months later he was unemployed, living in my one bedroom apartment, sleeping all day, online all night, drinking with his brother and then I found out he was cheating on me.

I had to ask myself how desperate I was for companionship that I'd put up with this. Apparently very desperate as I put up with it for 14 more moths.

I finally ended the lease on the apartment, moved out and never saw him again.

Now at 45 I'm alone and still occasionally lonely, but much happier.

Women do this bc they want kids or bc all their friends are getting married and planning big weddings and they feel left out. Sad and pathetic.

Lifelong relationships are nearly impossible in this day and age. The concept was created for legal reasons and for security into old age. Basically a contract. Now, relationships shouldn't be based on whether they last forever. Just like jobs, the average person will have several unlike previous generations.

Any time I've considered settling, I've considered how I would feel if some settled for me. I'd hate it. So I drop the idea. We are not monogamous by nature, it takes work. So why settle if you're going to need that much discipline.

The shoe was on the other foot for me... as he left, he told me he had settled and he just couldn't do it. I realize now his expectations were so out of whack for who he is that he never knew how good he had it. But the effect of being told I settled for you was devastating for a long time.

Oh please be him

Oh dear Gawd

It must be him

It must be him

Or I shall die.

Sad, pathetic (thanx R37) theme song for the gay community circa 2018. When did everyone turn into fraus??

Re settling -- I believe Miss Aretha Franklin said it best when she sang, "Ain't No Way."

Settling is a one way street to unhappiness. There is such a stigma of a person being alone that they cling to someone, most of the time not their ideal, and stay with them just so there is someone else at the table or in the room. And deep down they realize they were happier alone.

R42 - What stigma about being alone? What decade do you live in? In NYC, it's pretty much how it's done.

R43, people always comment about those who don't have anyone. Why? Are they gay? People decline invitations to weddings and events cause they have no one to go with.

A friend of mine who I see only occasionally got married two years ago to his older boyfriend. I just saw this friend. He's fat, he's got this glazed look. We talked and I quickly figured out from our conversation he's prematurely aging and getting wider BECAUSE he settled. He's unhappy with his decision.

OP's advice is insulting, and not only that, really stupid.

I actually think more of us would have boyfriends if we were realistic: about ourselves, about what we want, about what we can offer, about what we'll accept.

That's not settling, just being realistic. Unfortunately it takes another like minded person to work.

In my life I see four broad classes of single: realists, fantasists, the desperate and the selfish.

This is one of the most ridiculous threads I've read--sad cases giving advice to others about settling, as if the only key to happiness is cohabitating.

I've been single for years and I love it.

Well, I'm glad to see you allow for different choices without judgement, R47.

OP is nothing but judgment, r48, so what are you even talking about?

R47 is as bad as OP: sad cases... I've been this... fine and dandy but his tone suggests his way or the highway.

Sad thread

r50, I've read post after post where guys are writing off people who are single for whatever reason and you read my post which takes exception to this and and you act as if I'm being unreasonable. OP was the one who started it with his mean-spirited post. And it's not my way or the highway. I don't care what people do as long as they don't preach about it. And yeah, to me it's sad when someone is imploring others to settle.

^Obviously I meant r47.

OK, sorry I hurt your feelings, R52.

You didn't hurt my feelings. Takes more than that. I'm merely saying people should fuck off giving advice to total strangers they don't know about what they should do with their lives.

Terrible advice at that.

If you settle than you're an idiot.

I didn't and I ended up single for a decade (23-33) while everyone I knew bundled up and got married. It got annoying that I got a reputation as a player, since I was happily single. Those friendships started fading away though. It seemed to me that they couldn't believe I was happy to be single. I stayed good friends with some partnered people who didn't care at all about me being single.

Anyway, I've been dating a guy for the past year and I'm over the moon with him. He seems over the moon for me too, so thats great too. If things don't work out, I'm sure Ill be heartbroken and then go back to being happily single.

Happy relationship> happily single> sad single> sad relationship.

Settling? Isn't that what they told women to do in olden times to prevent them from being spinsters? How old is OP?

I feel like I need to decide whether to settle as I’m in my mid thirties and still attract attention. I’ve been with my bf four years. He is charismatic, wickedly funny, devoted to me, and financially stable. But he has let himself go, and I am concerned that he doesn’t take his health seriously. He also has little interest in sex. It’s a hard decision to make because I feel like I don’t have that many more shots at this age.

You're in your mid-30s and you feel it's almost over for you, r59? THAT'S sad.

Realistic though, R60.

It's not realistic at all, r61. I quit a similar kind of relationship in my early 40s. I saw the guy later and he was even heavier than he was, in bad shape. I'm glad I moved on, frankly.

So shallow to base everything on looks. Either you want to be with someone or you dont. Anyone on here ever had a real relationship?

Most guys think they're a 8-10, when they're really a 4-6. I'm considered hot, and you'd be surprised at the number of >6 that hit on me. Guys really have no clue about how attractive they are.

It's time to adjust your physical expectations downwards. Unless you have a handsome face, muscular body and/or big dick, you'll have to settle for an Average Joe. And if you're not hot, then you better make at least $400k a year, or be a millionaire and generous with your money.

r63, it's not about looks. When someone outs on weight and doesn't take care of themselves, it's beyond looks.

*puts on weight

"Settling" goes far beyond looks. One can settle for a person who is objectively beautiful, but lacks intelligence or charm, wit or ambition. Over time, you become inured to looks anyway. Hot and average can kind of meet in the middle.

I am chronically single and while I do need to push myself to interact socially more often, I absolutely do not want to be in a relationship. Not because I want to slut around, either. I don’t do that anymore. I just prefer my own company, as freaky as that may sound to most people who thrive best in pairs. If I can’t be alone with my thoughts, I get very frustrated with life and it’s hardly fair to put someone in the position of being held responsible for that.

Also, many people I’ve known have been in relationships that make them absolutely miserable simply because they are in it for the long haul or they don’t believe they can do better (usually the other person convinces them of this). I can’t fathom living like that.

There are pros and cons to being alone and pros and cons to being hitched to someone. Not everyone wants to be alone and not everyone wants to be bound to another person. Society only values the bound lifestyle, though, which even comes with tax breaks. So of course people who choose to be single get that it’s considered an abnormal way to be, but some of us prefer it and we don’t need advice on how to improve ourselves by compromising everything we hold dear to be seen at parties with another person.

Hear hear, r68!

Also, I have never slept in a bed with another person and not wanted to send them flying for invading my space and trying to wrap me in their heat-generating arms. No. Thank. You. Sorry, but I love sleeping and dreaming and people who interfere with that really get on my bad side. I’m just not made for cohabitation. Most people are pack wolves and herding sheep but somehow I’m more of a bear or a leopard. I eat meat and I do not want to sit around and listen to people chatter.

I totally get you, r70. I could never share a bed again. Sex is one thing but my bed time is my time.

Separate bedrooms, boys!

Separate places!

We live in a society where everything is ranked. Best this, best that, biggest, richest, most successful, prettiest, most handsome, hottest body - I could go on. A relationship should be about how two people's minds, interests, intellects match as well as their sexual desire.

Which is why a lot of people don't seek out relationships, r74. Finding all that in one person is a lot to expect. But settling is not the answer.

Heres my story,sad but true.... I was with my 1st love for 12 years , from 21 -33 ,then he died in a car wreck. I went about 9 years dating but refused to settle down with anyone because I honestly wasnt over my 1st love yet. I hit my 40s and started realizing the I was closer to death than being young , so I seriously started looking for a real relationship again. I met my last husband,a funny,warm and great guy that was cute enough , if a little chunky.The sex was good,but he only had about 4 inches and I was used to and actively sought larger ones,so that took some adjustment. I had always went for looks(and cock) previously , but I swore to do things differently at this time so I "settled" .

Dont get me wrong I grew to love him very much,but it took a while. Our biggest problem was sex,I could barely stand for him to fuck me.Anyway,the first 5 years with him were great,lots of laughs,lots of fun,then he started getting ill.Long story short,he was diagnosed with MS,and the decline was sudden and rapid.The last 2 years with him were endless doctor appts and hospital stays etc,etc. To my shame I admit there was 1000 times when I wished I hadnt "settled" because after losing my 1st love suddenly,the slow decline was far,far worse. After he died (on his 50th birthday) I swore off relationships forever. Easy enough to do when your 49 ! Like anyones calling !

About 2 years after he died I met this guy that was madly hot for me. Again,a great guy,cute,funny etc. But there was nothing there. I mean zilch. I kissed him a few times and felt nada. Im in my late 40s at this point,and knew the shelf life of my desirability was expired,so i really debated about "settling" again. Ultimately I just couldnt. It wasnt fair to him OR me. NEVER settle.

R76 you wrote “I hit my 40s and started realizing the I was closer to death than being young , so I seriously started looking for a real relationship again.”

Walk me through your logic. I honestly don’t understand. Is it that we “lose” if our lives end while we are single? That would be quite tragic for all the couples who don’t die simultaneously. Or what’s the correlation between being close to death and needing to be involved in a sexual relationship?

Reminds me of straight male incels - Hot chicks don't want to fuck me, so I guess I'll just be alone because I wouldn't dare go out with an average-looking female!

No, r78, that's not what people are saying, but I can see how a shallow dick like you might see that.

R77 I probably didnt express myself well,Hemingway Im not ! I meant that I was looking at getting older,and I didnt want to do it alone. That doesnt mean single people are "less than" for being single , I just liked being in a relationship and didnt want to age alone. Ironically thats exactly what Im doing. It wasnt about sex as much as companionship at that point.Otherwise Id have NEVER stayed with my last husband,bless his heart.

r79 = incel

Best thread. The obsession with having a lifetime partner is unhealthy. It’s a dated social construct that doesn’t apply to modern life. Gays used to know this but in our fight for equality, we focused so much on acceptance that we lost sight of what worked in reality. Marriage is a great achievement for equality - but the reality is marriage is a dated social concept.

Live and love in the now knowing nothing is forever. The clinging, depression and anger that results from trying to prevent things from changing is the cause of unhappiness in so many couples I know. These stories show how we can have multiple loves - or none at all. The bad stories seems to be about trying to keep something together.

I’ve had a partner for 20 years but I know he could leave tomorrow. It helps me appreciate him and prevents me from getting angry when he does things I don’t like because I know I can leave if I want. Marriage kills love.

r81=shallow dick.

To be in a long term relationship takes something called compromise which very few people are equipped to do in the narcissistic world we live in. My husband is a point in case, sometimes I wish I was still single.

R82 marriage might be outdated but it does bring with it many legal benefits which is why Scotus ruled against DOMA. A marriage is a contract with benefits.

R80 I get that, maybe, in part. I’m the chronically single (by both preference and circumstance) person who posted earlier. Gay guys today seem overwhelmingly interested in all the same things: sex, their bodies, other men’s bodies, drinking, food, status and traveling. That’s what I see in DC, anyway. I wedged myself into that for years. I worked out obsessively, obsessively watched what I ate, started drinking a lot. It all frustrated me so much because between work and those commitments (which were not my real interests), I had no time for what I want to do in this life: writing, reading about philosophies and spirituality and myth, listening to music, painting, looking at art, walking around and admiring landscapes, and (I’m serious and I get that this makes no sense to anyone, but it’s a highlight of life for me) dreaming and thinking. I was so, so, so depressed and I even told my psychiatrist that I have no interests in life at all. She helped me realize I was frustrated because I had rejected my own true interests for the sake of living as someone I am not. For years she suggested I should look for a relationship. Eventually she saw that I am truly content when I am doing all the things I mentioned, and they’re almost all solitary and pensive by necessity. The only times I have ever really connected with people, it’s been intellectually and usually in academic situations. I am just an interior-oriented person who is satisfied and content when I am exploring all the life has to think about and observe, and I’ve never been made content by sexual or overly romantic interactions. I love love love my family and friends but not in an intimate kind of way. None of this is “normal” by social standards. I’m not any sort of incel. I don’t feel like I can’t get sex and resent those who do. I’m just over that, and in love with so many engaging aspects of being that aren’t priorities for most other people I know, and which for the most part are not communal. I can’t share dreams or fantasizing or writing or reading with anyone. And because these are really my favorite parts of life, I come across as a jabbering know-it-all type when I do engage with people. I find life wondrous. I don’t find bickering with someone about groceries and mowing the lawn stimulating in the least.

Agree - contracts are helpful legally and financially - and should be used when beneficial. But that is part of the problem too - looking at a relationship as a business contract - which is what marriage is. For me, I’ve used wills and other legal legal and financial methods to accomplish what I want - all of which can be changed relatively easy AND only by me and my choice. I personally don’t want the government and laws dictating whether I stay in a relationship or what I have to pay or do if I want to leave. Maybe I’m giving up partners SS or other benefits - but that’s a trade off I prefer to make for my own financial, psychological and emotional health.

I have considered pursuing a relationship for two reasons only: First, because it’s expensive as hell to live alone, and second, because I keep losing family members and it does make me feel like if I have future medical emergencies, I may end up in a position to fend for myself without the physical capacity to do so.

Neither concern to me warrants establishing a relationship because in both cases I would be exploiting the person, and that’s sick as far as I am concerned. That’s not love.

R88 why is that exploiting? He'd be doing the same thing hopefully. As long as it's symbiotic and not parasitic in nature.

R89 Because I would only want to be with someone I truly care about deeply, not because he provides resources.

Also, with someone I like and admire and respect. Not someone who provides financial benefits. I have a job for that.

R91 my therapist told me it's OK to rely on someone for financial support if you're going through a big change like a career change or job loss. Isn't that kind of point of being with someone else, to be there for each other when things are good but to be there when things aren't so good.

The Baby Boom gays, just lost a bunch of people, so they just ended up in a shit situation because of AIDS and from what I've seen, I think are more willing to settle to not be alone.

It's us GenXers with the major problems. We grew up and came of age sexually during the AIDS crisis so we have a ton of issues with sex, sexuality, and relationships and we just put a lot of shit on the backburner and then one day realized that we're about to hit 50 and have no one to take us home after the colonoscopy.

And sexually we're looking at Millennial thirst traps who either want sugar daddies or other millennials and are pissed off that we missed out on all the fun or don't make enough to get one of those thirst traps into our beds. So we go around looking for the right look, the right age, the right race, the right job, the right location and while we're looking for all these rights and we're hooking up with a bunch of wrongs and then lamenting that we're alone.

There is nothing wrong with being single and alone, but you see all these threads and comments from people that don't want to be. But you have to be realistic about the situation. There are a ton of available guys, but you are going to have make some compromises.

If you think you are an 8, that means you are probably a 5. Look for other 5s. If you meet a nice guy, don't be turned off because you love on the East Side and don't want to drive to Venice Beach to be with him. Figure it out.

The other thing I find, as a single person, is the reality is I don't have a lot of single friends. The people driving me home after the colonoscopy of relations. My life is very lonely, for friends. Settled or not, everybody seems settled down. Is it just me? Maybe it is.

R3 I keep seeing gifs of this video. What video is it from please?

Find a shy, quiet guy. The ones who don't typically go out, or have a big social circle. Treat them nicely for a bit, and they'll be yours. Being insecure and sometimes having low self-esteem, they will do anything you want so they don't lose you.

I've bagged my fair share of hotties by targeting the socially awkward ones. You get to bang hot guys and they learn to not be a doormat. Everybody wins!

[quote]I have considered pursuing a relationship for two reasons only: First, because it’s expensive as hell to live alone, and second, because I keep losing family members and it does make me feel like if I have future medical emergencies, I may end up in a position to fend for myself without the physical capacity to do so.

Some older people, straight and gay alike, have developed platonic relationships specifically for scenarios like this. Sometimes, that even includes marriage. Usually, it's for just those things you cite: sharing expenses, sharing travel, having someone to be there to look after you (and vice versa).

I am still good looking, fit and have most of the coveted gay qualities ... but I am nearing 40 so that sell by date is just about there or past. Even if you have the (fleeting) superficial elements, can some be too emotionally damaged to ever make a good partner? Is it worth still trying? I prefer connected sex a lot more than one offs. I was in yoga and this early 30's frau-ish instructor was talking about time line and we are on the timeline we should be...basically life takes us where we should be. Do you think this is true or pure, mug cradler, self delusional bullshit? Now in my late 30's I hit a new first - a gorgeous friend just diagnosed w/ cancer. It's scary and I am going off on a tangent, but I keep feeling like I am running out of time to find someone I can connect with. Here are my questions: Is it true that things happen when they happen and you can't force it OR should one be actively trying to date b/c it doesn't just "land on your doorstep"? Eldergays, have you found that maybe there really is a finite number of great relationships to be had and just because you had a few good ones doesn't necessarily mean there are more on the horizon. Approaching 40 is harsh and it's making me think a lot. Is it settling or just having new priorities in a partner? If I could find a partner who was average looking, but has been through some shit in life that I could relate too w/o being an addict or completely off the rails, I think I would consider myself luck. That was long. Thanks for listening.

R94 - I feel the same way, all my friends are in relationships. I used to constantly hang out with one of them until they found someone and now it's like i don't exist. That's why i'm tempted to settle because all my friends are with people and don't have time for me anymore. Which probably says more about me as a person...

R99 Yeah, I did end up “stopping out” of friendships with most of my married/partnered friends. They only come in twos. They do not separate. They unconsciously paw at one another. They are “we.” It’s difficult for me to be around couples for very long. I actually find it unnerving. It’s possible that I am subconsciously envious but consciously I just don’t relate to it. “We do this, we do that, I don’t know, hon what do you think?” Partnered people and parents turn into different beings after a period of time. They don’t relate in the same way. This is one phenomenon—the tension between single people and coupled people—that Sex and the City did pretty well. In other TV series, you see individual halves of paired people interacting with friends one on one, whereas in real life they get away from one another for work but otherwise are stapled and glued at the hips.

95 - Also i'm sick and tired of third wheelin!!!

[99] - whoops my bad

Do tell, what settled for you?

I have plenty of friends who are single and the partnered ones aren't joined at the hip the way r100 describes. I don't ever feel like a third wheel.

To a certain extent, there's some talking past one another on this thread. Take these two examples:

1. An older man, say 55+, who has let himself go, who constantly talks about wanting a relationship and loudly rails against all of those shallow people who won't give him a chance, complains that he can't get a date or get a relationship, etc., but who will only go after someone in their mid-20s with model looks and six-pack abs. That individual clearly has unrealistic expectations and unle$$ they have generou$ fund$, they are likely setting themselves up for disappointment.

2. Someone similar, but who is happily single, has realistic expectations about what they want and what they can get, but just hasn't found the right person and is fine with that status.

I would argue that #1 has some problems and that #2 is doing just fine, even though they are both single.

For the record, put me in the "don't settle" camp, mostly because of the dynamic that establishes in the relationship. "I'm only with you because I couldn't find anyone better, so I guess I'm stuck with you" isn't exactly a healthy way to start a relationship.

I always felt like a third wheel or fifth wheel or seventh with couples, R104.

R106 then they are lousy hosts. When my husband and I have friends over, we hardly interact with each other much because we're talking to other guests. We have 95% of our together time to be joined at the hip. Your friends sound insecure.

Sorry to hear that, r106. maybe tell them you feel that way and if they don't change dump them. Not having them as friends is better than feeling like that.

I went on holiday with friends and every single (i wish) one was coupled up and it was the most excruciating experience of my life. I had to leave the group and go get drunk.

It’s going to make you all gag, but I am sudenly madly in love with myself at 40, for all the flaws plus all the assets, I think in a way similar to how people who have been together for decades love one another. I don’t find myself very physically attractive. I have scars and blemishes etc. I’m not hideous. I admire and respect just about every decision I make. I trust myself and feel like I have the kind of integrity I would not accept another person not having. Ayahuasca and a decade of therapy brought me to this point. I would not consider being with someone who only settles for what he sees on my surface and who doesn’t respect me the way I respect me. And I would need to feel the same way about him.

OK, so how to you handle building a friendship with half of a couple? I am in a sports league with a bunch of OK guys, some of whom I would like to get to know for purposes of just making friends (and maybe meeting some of their single friends if I am lucky.). But I don't quite know how to ask them to do something because is it even right to that with a coupled person? It is not about sex. I struggle with this one.

I'm glad for you R110. And glad to know it is still possible.

R108 I always tell them that. They can’t change who they are. I have distanced myself from many gay couples because I don’t like being the odd man out. I’ve even told my sister and brother in law (honestly) that they have been together for so long that they share an identity and I don’t really recognize my sister from our childhood anymore. She initiated us taking vacations together a few years ago because of it, so that I (and I suspect so that she) can get to know who she is without her husband.

One thing that is really hard is being the third at dinner... the conversation is exhausting... the couple isn't talking to each other, they're only talking to you, usually two conversations at once... I hate being third wheel. Wears me out.

Plus you know one of them likes you less than the other.

Some of you guys have friends... must be nice.

R105 The problem that #2 has in that situation is that all the men he could realistically date are themselves looking for 25 year olds.

R114 I agree and I posted r107. Three is an unstable number and threesomes (the sex) are the most soul destroying things when you're the 3rd wheel. Been there, done that, never again.

Given that you can't judge a relationship from the outside,I'm constantly amazed a what my female friends settle for. Are woman that terrified of being alone? Sometimes I get lonesome but it sure bets coming home to the losers these women can't seem to live without. Don't think it's for sex as they all whine they get none. Love is never mentioned. Perhaps kids but many are childless. Do these women have no self esteem.? I think most just wanted a pretentious wedding.

R116, that's why I specified "happily single" and "is fine with that status." If that's the case, you shrug your shoulders and carry on with your life. The ones who have a problem are the ones who can't take that step, who are caught in a cycle of unrealistic expectations and unhappiness.

All I need is a dildo and a dishwasher.

same

^Huh?

R118 Many women are inherently different than men—straight and gay alike. Women are the ones whom we think of as loving to be pretty and loving pretty things. It’s actually men who love pretty things, including pretty people. Women have to *be* pretty things, and women know that glamour by definition is a facade. Pretty women of the sort you judge for being with average looking men go to great lengths to appear better looking than average, and they generally consider that to be the result of discipline and ongoing effort, and they know that the makeup gets washed off to reveal a flawed face, the hair dye and treatments go out, the padded bra comes off leaving them shaped differently, and they are mostly average, too, under all the costumery. So in short, they’re smarter than men and in that they understand the nature of put-upon beauty, and that takes away the allure and the value of it for a lot of people. To use a metaphor, the Wizard of Oz wowed everyone but himself with all his tricks, and although she commanded a lot of attention, in the end he was dying to give up the pretense to go home. I think a lot of women who appear gorgeous and well put together live this way. They put on their show because it’s a fucking competitive world out there, and they want a home where they can be comfortable with something real.

Well said R123 - as a gay man, that explanation makes a lot of sense. I’m always shocked when I realize how much women put themselves through before they go out - al the different types of makeup, shaving, hair coloring, clothes. It seems like such a superficial life.

My un-partnered best friend put it to me this way: “My life is pretty amazing. Why bother settle for someone who isn’t equally amazing?”

He’s right.

Considering the huge number of threesomes with couples I have been in, it doesn’t matter if you settled or not, you’ll be horny for someone else soon enough

My problem with coupled friends is when I can't stand my friend's bf/partner. Some of my friend's partners are cool and became a real friend to me, but there are those that I really dislike. I try to spend as little time as possible with them and hang out with my friend alone. That can be difficult.

For those who are obsessed with "refusing to settle": How can you refuse to settle, but expect your desired partner to settle? This logic is like a mirror of straight relationships in this society. Men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s expect to date women in their 20s. And the women go along with it, some for the money, some enjoy the power over a man who's thrilled to have a "trophy". Men like Trump are fighting hard to maintain this status quo, where men can be old, fat, and ugly and still expect to date a women who's considered young and beautiful. As a gay woman, I don't understand how a straight 25-year-old woman would pick a rich 60-year-old guy old enough to be her father (or granddad) over a man her own age who's grown up with the same TV shows, music, and current events. Then, when the relationship ends, and the woman turns 30, she'll have to date guys in their 50s. In the straight world, it's a crime for a woman to be "old" or "unattractive".) A straight woman has only one shot (age 18-29) to date a man the same as as herself. Why waste it on some 50-year-old dude?

People make fun of lesbians for not caring about what their partners look alike (kind of like straight women), but who has the longest and happiest relationships?

“People make fun of lesbians for not caring about what their partners look alike (kind of like straight women), but who has the longest and happiest relationships?”

Well straight women divorce at the same rate as straight men, about 50 percent, and most of the gay women I’ve known have bounced endlessly from one tumultuous, intense relationship to another every few years. So I dunno.

Also, when you put together straight women and gay women, you pretty much just end up with all women.

Jesus fucking Christ OP, I'm only onto my first marriage, give me some time to "settle" into marriages.

[quote]“People make fun of lesbians for not caring about what their partners look alike (kind of like straight women), but who has the longest and happiest relationships?”

In fairness, caring about appearance would really limit your options, though, wouldn't it?

This thread is so typical DL. Posters talking out of both sides of their necks. You all want 25 year old porn stars and Instagram models and then get upset that you're alone. Unless you're Calvin Klein, that ain't happening. Stay in your lane and you'll get a guy.

LMAO R131...ouch

What do you mean "You all want...", r132? Nothing you said applies to me. I don't want a 25-year-old anything, thank you. I've had much younger (a 28-year-old) and it was like babysitting. Stay in your own lane and don't bother about others in theirs.

[quote] What stigma about being alone? What decade do you live in? In NYC, it's pretty much how it's done.

Typical. Way do all the Gay in NYC think they are Samantha from Sex in the City? Grow the fuck up, you know there are other cities, and countries that have different views on life that don't care what NYC queens think right? I know, its hard for you to believe, but there is a world outside of NYC. Some of it much more progressive and sophisticated I might add.

r135--bitch wishes she lived in NYC and can't afford it.

[quote][R106] then they are lousy hosts. When my husband and I have friends over, we hardly interact with each other much because we're talking to other guests. We have 95% of our together time to be joined at the hip. Your friends sound insecure.

Same here. I have both single and couple friends and trust me, when we go to a party or have one of our own, 90% I spend talking to other people. It's the same reasoning, we see each other every day, its rude to be so coupley at a party. We check in with each other once or twice to see if everything is ok or both having a good time but then we go back to own conversations with other friends. Besides I really want to know that other people are up to, what they think, whats going on in their lives.

No R136, I do NOT wish I live in NYC and have have been there half a dozen times on vacation. The last time I thought to myself what a horrible place to live. Sorry to burst your bubble, but then you just proved my point how you cant imagine a world outside of that specific city being more desirable.

I have 2 siblings who both settled and I never want that for myself. I would rather be single.

Better to do without than to settle. Also, it’s not fair to an undesirable to pretend that you have feelings for him. Either you hit the jackpot and you end up with someone desirable who you love or you do without.

I don't get you people who say you are single but want a guy that has ABC to XYZ. I don't care if that's a job, good taste in cloths or personal interests. That's not a relationship, its a job interview. And no, relationships are not like jobs. For one they are illogical and based almost entirely on emotion. Bottom line you are either both attracted to each other or you are not. If they don't have XYZ you can work it out. Maybe you will never get XYZ but if you are attracted to each other and love each other that's all that ultimately matters.

So stop with the list of "must haves" before you even let yourself just be attracted to someone and getting to know them. Because, once you go in with an addenda, inevitably one of those letters will be missing and you will feel like you are settling if you don't get ABC and XYZ.

I would never settle for less than my dream partner.

So tell me old maid, since you don't have a Dream Partner, you obviously have a list of just exactly what that is. As you will never find live with such an agenda, you might as well clue us into your failure list of requirements so we can all get a good laugh at your stupidity.

I would consider settling if I meet a nice 95 year old. I HOPE he is faithful, but if he cheats, I really wouldn't mind. 😉🤑

R141 Based on emotion? You could not be more full of shit, lady. Here is what most gay guys want in a mate. Even before they meet them. Have a full time job or career. Not living at home or with 50 room mates. Have a car. Not drink or smoke or do drugs at all or to excess. Be attractive. Have all their teeth and hair. If not actually young then look young and act youthful. Some like big dicks. Some only want uncut. I could go on and on but nowhere does emotion come into this list of what men want in a partner.

r138 is very triggered about NYC. What does NYC have to do with the topic of this thread? Take your cheap ass and fuck outta here.

"Have a car. Not drink or smoke or do drugs at all or to excess."

r145, those are not priorities for most guys, apart from not being an alcoholic or a drug addict.

"As a gay woman, I don't understand how a straight 25-year-old woman would pick a rich 60-year-old guy old enough to be her father (or granddad) over a man her own age who's grown up with the same TV shows, music, and current events"

Most of them don't - if you look at marriage statistics, women tend to marry guys just a few years older than themselves. These young babe/old geezer pairings are way more common in Hollywood movies than they are in real life.

Only old geezers with money can buy the young babes. In that world it happens frequently.

I see a lot of comments from people who fell in love when they were young, how wonderful it was, and how they won't settle.

It's much easier to fall in love when you're young: 1) . Everyone is better looking. The guys you think are 5's now were probably 8's before they lost their hair and stopped working out to focus on their job.

2) . Almost everyone is healthy when they're young -- no worries about health crises, driving to the doctor, etc.

3) . No $ worries; when you're in you're 20's, you only think about paying for food & rent and maybe saving a little. No worries about looming retirement, costly home repairs, etc.

I think there has to be passion & attraction, but you can't expect no health/money/family baggage once your 35+.