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A thread for those of us gay men who HATED our abusive selfish narcissistic mothers

My mother was always toxic, selfish, narcissistic, alcoholic, rejecting, unable to nurture or comfort me. I spent decades in therapy trying to undo the damage. After the age of 19 or when you move out of the family home (I moved out when I was 17) then you can no longer blame mommy for your turning into a fucked up toxic asshole. It is now on you for healing yourself. I no longer hate my mother, she died 8 years ago but I still give her credit for fucking up most of my life. Tell us your abusive mother stories, bitches.

by Anonymousreply 216November 26, 2019 10:53 PM

My mother stopped eating my cooking after I came out to her. I think it had something to do with the fact that I was dating someone who was poz at the time. She didn’t even want me to use the bathroom. I chalk it up to being ignorant about AIDS and HIV.

Now she’s in her eighties, osteoporosis ridden and drunk a lot...I feel sorry for her because her life didn’t come out the way she had hoped. Well, neither did mine. I try to be nice and there for her when medical issues arise. But basically, I leave her and my codependent older brother to their own devices. They already know that they can’t move in with me if something happens to one of them. We’ve discussed this. I don’t drink and don’t allow booze or smoking in my house...they never stay that long, usually just to eat and do their laundry and then they go home. She eats my cooking now because her Meals on Wheels program got cut.

by Anonymousreply 1September 18, 2018 4:15 PM

But I didn't kill her, so that's something.

by Anonymousreply 2September 18, 2018 4:53 PM

Growing up my mom told me repeatedy she wished I was never born. She didn't like my friends who were nice to me and encouraged friendships with people who mistreated me. If I had a problem she'd tell me she didn't have time for it. If I was crying over something she'd roll her eyes. She would insult me in front of her friends and relatives, and they would follow her lead. I could go on and on.

She's 80 now, has Alzheimers and I can't wait for the bitch to die.

by Anonymousreply 3September 18, 2018 4:58 PM

Mothers are pieces of shit.

But fathers are no better.

I swear Satan presided over most people's weddings.

Especially if they were married in the Catholic church.

by Anonymousreply 4September 18, 2018 5:04 PM

Mine was more Beth Jarrett narcisstic and cruel. Not blatantly hostile just cold, screwed up, needy. I’ve been waiting for her to die for 20 years so I can finally be free and live where I want without needing to take care of her. She gave me tons of neurosis and conditional appreciation - but I know that was due to her own screwed up childhood and the Catholic Church. I get so tired of mothers who think they are the ultimate martyr and expect their children to live for them. I will always view motherhood as a basically narcisstic choice.

by Anonymousreply 5September 18, 2018 5:14 PM

Fatherhood as well. They kid themselves into believing they're selfless loving people but they are nothing but perpetuators of human misery and suffering.

These ads we now see on DL for gay parenting are vomit inducing. 50s ads with the nuclear family weren't half as revolting with their smiley face banality.

by Anonymousreply 6September 18, 2018 5:37 PM

Buck would never post on this thread.

by Anonymousreply 7September 19, 2018 2:04 AM

I should never have been born.

by Anonymousreply 8September 19, 2018 3:12 AM

I stayed away for 20 years. Then I came back and dealt with my narcissistic talented manipulative mother on my own terms. Maybe I lost a few things in the process but I chose the parts I wanted to engage with and gained as a person I think.

by Anonymousreply 9September 19, 2018 3:43 AM

My feelings are tangled. On one hand I feel pity for my mother because her life isn't great. But on the other hand, I feel immense overwhelming anger over what I was sentenced to. The truth is my life has been truly pointless and I resent being forced into this existence.

by Anonymousreply 10September 19, 2018 3:53 AM

I always knew my mother was a bitch, but have only recently discovered the term "narcissist." I still don't have the words to describe how it feels to never be good enough, fast enough, enough enough. I'm 56 years old and just now trying to find out who or what I really am or want. I don't want to seem over dramatic, but she basically destroyed who I could have been. And I despise her for that.

by Anonymousreply 11September 19, 2018 3:56 AM

I’m a woman but my mother was a narcissist & very abusive. Some of my memories: telling me that I’d never amount to anything, calling me a slut after I told her my paternal grandfather molested me, telling me no one would ever want me. There’s more...

I hated myself so much because of her & took comfort in booze for many years, even after I stopped communication with her in my twenties. She did so much damage. I’m happy now , sober and married but it could have easily gone a another way. I never wanted kids because I feared some of her traits were lurking in me. I hated her and will never forgive her (she’s dead now)

by Anonymousreply 12September 19, 2018 4:20 AM

I hate my mom and she hates me. She would tell me that I ruined her life and that she wished she never had me. She even said that she wished she would have had an abortion. As far back as I can remember she would call me names and blame me when I got teased at school. I can't even describe how she'd get sometimes, it was like any little thing would set her off and then you never knew what would happen and she'd snap. I didn't get hit that often but she always had these weird punishments for me, like not letting me eat but making me sit at the table while she and my brother had supper. She would talk to my brother in this weird voice about how she didn't believe in wasting food on me, that I didn't deseve it and I had to sit there and if I cried at all she wouldn't let me have a snack later.

I told this story here before but on Christmas Eve when I was 15 I took off because she went totally out of control. She kept calling me and telling me to come back. When I got home, the police were waiting there and my mom was still drunk and lying to them about what happened. They came to talk to me and said I had to go with them and they took me to a youth shelter. I'll never forget sitting in the back of the car trying so hard not to cry. It was horrible, but even though I missed Christmas it was probably better than being at home.

I'm not a bad person but I'm pretty much failing at life so far and I wonder if it would be different if I would have had a parent who actually loved me or at least one that wasn't so mean.

by Anonymousreply 13September 19, 2018 4:28 AM

Sometimes all we can do is survive our parents. I may not be thriving but I am not like them. I’m vaguely happy. Cutting them off is hard but is what allowed me to be happy. Why do people have children?

by Anonymousreply 14September 19, 2018 4:30 AM

Another survivor of abusive, negligent, resentful parents. I didn't realize how bad I had it until I saw how normative parents treated their children. I've somehow gotten through life and have been relatively lucky despite it all. I know that if my parents had engaged their brains, thought about what they had to offer a child, I wouldn't be extant. But I do sometimes wonder what I and my world might have been like if my parents weren't completely fucked up.

by Anonymousreply 15September 19, 2018 4:44 AM

Did any of you ever call out your parents as an adult or when you were a kid?

I haven't seen or talked to my mom for over a year now and sometimes I want to ask her what I ever did that was so wrong. I never talked back to her when I was a kid/teen, I was way too timid to say anything so even though I wanted to yell back and ask why she bothered having me, I never had the nerve.

by Anonymousreply 16September 19, 2018 4:52 AM

My mother was extremely controlling and judgemental when I was growing up. She and my father had an unhappy marriage so in turn she took out her unhappiness on me. I remember her being angry a lot, screaming at me, criticising me, not comforting me when I needed it. There was some physical abuse as well. My mother didn't have the tools to be a parent. I was picked on in school and got blamed for it. My father was emotionally absent so I could not count on him. As she got older, she got more and more needy and demanding. I loved her but our relationship was toxic. She died a couple of months ago and I feel this strange sense of relief. I didn't realize until after she was gone how oppressive she made my life. It seemed like nothing I ever did was good enough for her. It was as if everything I said and did was a reflection of her. I dont think she ever saw me as a separate person but just as an extension of herself.

by Anonymousreply 17September 19, 2018 4:53 AM

R16 I confronted my parents as an adult. They both indignantly responded that they did the best they could. And what was I complaining about? They gave me a roof over my head, fed and clothed me. They neither realized nor cared how caring parents treated their children. My late Father once said to me that you raise a child like you raise a dog. Take that as a guide to what my childhood was like and why I don't have one happy memory from it.

by Anonymousreply 18September 19, 2018 5:01 AM

R17 - really well said. Everything was a reflection on her and she never saw me as a separate person - sums up the narcissism perfectly.

by Anonymousreply 19September 19, 2018 5:06 AM

I have noticed how prevalent narcissism is in our society, especially older people and their so-called parenting. Was it their upbringing that brought this on? Is it a generational thing?

by Anonymousreply 20September 19, 2018 5:13 AM

[quote] Sometimes all we can do is survive our parents.

Part of being an adult is recognizing, accepting and interacting with your parents as with other people.

by Anonymousreply 21September 19, 2018 5:21 AM

"Did any of you ever call out your parents as an adult or when you were a kid? "

Yeah, I told my parents that a relative who lived in the house had spent years molesting me, and that I'd told them about it and begged them to make it stop, and that they'd refused to listen and just gone along telling me to shut up and stop complaining... the way they'd done since I learned to talk. At first they were apologetic and said they had NO idea, and then dear old mom started to get angry at me for making her feel bad about herself and her parenting. We've hardly spoken since, which has been a huge relief.

Mom is a classic narcissist, she doesn't really believe that other people have feelings. All she cares about is herself, and how she feels about herself. Anything that doesn't agree with her expectations is regarded as an attack on her self-esteem. My dad is actually worse, he's her stooge or her submissive, he's spent his whole life trying to please her and placate her, and getting her to attack the people he doesn't have the balls to attack himself. Yeah, I don't see much of the old folks nowadays.

by Anonymousreply 22September 19, 2018 5:25 AM

R21, some people have it a lot harder than others, it can take a lot of work to make peace.

by Anonymousreply 23September 19, 2018 5:26 AM

^^^ has never met my mother.

by Anonymousreply 24September 19, 2018 5:26 AM

Sorry. meant that for (21). Easier said than done.

by Anonymousreply 25September 19, 2018 5:27 AM

OP, all women are useless organisms. Only good for mating and producing boys. Female organisms with their beef flaps only cause pain. A lot of men like me come to datalounge because we understand your pain and frustration. All of you, your mother's are useless but at least you are here now. Female organisms shouldn't even be mentioned. They don't deserve our words let alone thoughts.

by Anonymousreply 26September 19, 2018 5:28 AM

We live in a winner take all, competitive, status obsessed society. Many parents of adult children had abusive dysfunctional families themselves. Many were mistreated themselves, lacked self esteem, and hoped that having children would win validation for them, and became bitter when that didn’t work out, or their marriage failed.

It is up to adult children of abusive parents to find help for THEMSELVES. The abusive parent will CONTINUE to deny, deny, deny that they ever did anything wrong. You will never, ever get any satisfaction from them.

by Anonymousreply 27September 19, 2018 5:28 AM

R27, you are describing anyone who has dealt with a psychopath, narcissist or borderline. It's just way, way worse when it's a parent.

by Anonymousreply 28September 19, 2018 5:33 AM

Narcissists have all or nothing thinking. They think in terms of black and white which is called splitting. You can either be all good or all bad according to them, nothing between that. They are very emotionally stunted and rigid. These people are beyond help. Their brains are broken. They most likely were victims of narcissistic abuse themselves as they grew up.

by Anonymousreply 29September 19, 2018 5:34 AM

R29, it's people with Borderline Personality Disorder who think of others as all good, or all bad.

Naricissists think of people as useful to them, or not useful to them. They never think of other people as good.

by Anonymousreply 30September 19, 2018 5:38 AM

Narcissists split too. It is in the b-cluster of personality disorders.

by Anonymousreply 31September 19, 2018 5:41 AM

Didn't say it was easy. Establishing a new relationship with my father was the hardest - and proudest - thing I've ever done.

by Anonymousreply 32September 19, 2018 5:42 AM

R27 here. Of course it’s worse r28. Just want to point out that r16's wish to confront his abusive mother will never, ever have a desired result. Does r16 think that an abusive mother will suddenly become contrite and loving, if confronted? Of course not. In fact, most of these parents described here sound like they had substance abuse problems.

R16 you did not deserve to have a shitty parent, it wasn’t fair. But you did, honey. So take care of yourself as best as you can from now on.

by Anonymousreply 33September 19, 2018 5:43 AM

Excellent description of narcissistic parents here

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 34September 19, 2018 5:45 AM

The road has been long and treacherous. Her neediness has engulfed my life. I’ve spend much time and energy deprograming myself because she taught me to attract other needy narcissist. I can’t wait for her to die. I feel like I have been waiting my entire life...

by Anonymousreply 35September 19, 2018 5:50 AM

Anther excellent analysis of narcissistic abuse and how npd can develop

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 36September 19, 2018 5:52 AM

My mother was the worst. I'm not a gay man though. Well, I was briefly and then it fell off.

by Anonymousreply 37September 19, 2018 6:04 AM

I'm glad I've read this thread. Wasn't going to because I had a lovely mother. I still recall the feel of her wrapping her arms around my shoulders from behind my chair and calling me her lovely boy Then she died and I was left with a sick fuck of an abusive father But this is about mothers and sons so I'll stop

by Anonymousreply 38September 19, 2018 6:05 AM

It's okay, R38, plenty of others have said nasty things about their fathers.

Go ahead and vent!

by Anonymousreply 39September 19, 2018 6:29 AM

[quote] Did any of you ever call out your parents as an adult or when you were a kid?

Yes, I finally called my mother out on ALL of her shit just days after Xmas last year. It was extremely cathartic and I highly recommend it.

It was in texts so that I could actually get it out without her fucking interrupting me as usual. I didn't call her any horrible names (like bitch, cunt, etc), but I told her she was weak and selfish and was a cold, cruel monster to me as a child.

Naturally, she denied most of it. "That didn't happen." "It wasn't ilke that, you're remembering it wrong." "Nope, no way, there's no way I would have ever done that, you're wrong."

And of the stuff she DID admit to, none of it was her fault, it was all because of her abusive, alcoholic piece of shit husband aka my dad (I've mentioned him a few dozen times over the years).

She didn't really offer me any apologies for what she did to me, it wasn't satisfying in that way. But I realise now that it wouldn't matter even if she did, because what good are a couple of fucking words when my life was ruined? An apology won't change what happened, or make things better going forward. Only my actions can improve my life going forward, and I choose to move on. Not "forgive" in the traditional sense, but rather to just let go of the anger and resentment, move on and try to enjoy what's left of my life before it ends.

by Anonymousreply 40September 19, 2018 6:31 AM

Good point, R40, the difference between genuinely forgiving someone, and just letting go of the anger and resentment.

Because I've always thought that true forgiveness means letting yourself trust a person who has hurt you, and sometimes it's just not possible to re-establish any degree of trust. That doesn't mean one has to spend one's life obsessing over past wrongs or seething with anger, because that hurts one's self much more than the person one is angry at. No, sometimes the only thing you can do is just move on, end a relationship and go on with your life, without the person who's hurt you.

by Anonymousreply 41September 19, 2018 6:42 AM

Thank you, r40. You see that your mother will never change and did not hang on to the resentment and anger. I never got the chance to call out my mother out but I wanted to so many times. Of course, she would have gone of the defensive and get all pissy and said what a perfect mother she was and did nothing wrong. I'm glad I never called her out because her response would have opened up the old wounds of mine. I no longer have to deal with her manipulations, her guilt tripping and self pity which is enough for me.

by Anonymousreply 42September 19, 2018 6:48 AM

R19, R20, Yes I'm a woman commenting but what you said really hit home, as did most of the posters on this thread. Never realized that generational narcissism was the basis of the problem. I was always told my whole reason for my existence was to bring praise to my mother. "Heaven help me" if I wanted to do anything disobedient as to date a man of another religion. Or to go more than once per year to a high school football game with my friends.

by Anonymousreply 43September 19, 2018 7:06 AM

R13, it seems your mother still affects your view of yourself, your self esteem. I suggest you get therapy to realize you are more than what your mother told you. She still lives in your head, and you deserve more than that.

by Anonymousreply 44September 19, 2018 7:30 AM

For sure! I hate to use that cliché but it is true that if you cannot love yourself - how can anyone else love you? Thanks for sharing your stories guys - if I could give you all a hug and comfort you and tell you that you ARE worthy of the greatest love of all! - I would.

by Anonymousreply 45September 19, 2018 7:59 AM

As someone who has spent their whole life trying to heal from toxic parents and developed complex PTSD because of them, know it is possible to heal from it. Do not even think of using the word forgiveness in ridding yourself of their toxicity towards you. They are responsible and fully culpable for their crimes against you and others. You must understand as others have mentioned that no one is created in a single generation. Your abuse from your parents may have had its origins hundreds of years ago and each generation gives it to the next. It is possible to stop the abuse cycle but it takes incredible courage. As Nietzsche said: It is the business of the very few to be independent; it is a privilege of the strong. And whoever attempts it, even with the best right, but without being OBLIGED to do so, proves that he is probably not only strong, but also daring beyond measure. He enters into a labyrinth, he multiplies a thousandfold the dangers which life in itself already brings with it; not the least of which is that no one can see how and where he loses his way, becomes isolated, and is torn piecemeal by some minotaur of conscience. Supposing such a one comes to grief, it is so far from the comprehension of men that they neither feel it, nor sympathize with it. And he cannot any longer go back! He cannot even go back again to the sympathy of men! Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

The way to heal is you must rid yourself of all the toxic people in your life. That is the only way you will heal. The wounds of the present were created by a hundred lacerations over hundreds of years.

by Anonymousreply 46September 19, 2018 8:53 AM

R46 thank you for posting that rather extraordinary passage. I agree 1000%. I've been working on self healing for 13 years now. I cut contact with EVERYONE from my past 4 years ago, and my life has flowered in the most beautiful ways. I'll be recovering from old wounds til my dying day, but progress is REAL. And God bless Nietzsche - he waffled on a bit sometimes, but he was truly one of the most sensitive, insightful souls

by Anonymousreply 47September 19, 2018 9:38 AM

Not to sound faux-mystical or philosophical here lol but that is how you become a Buddha or enlightened one sitting under the Lotus or tree of forgetfulness. The most enlightened beings have risen above every possible crime or torment directed against them by the plebes or sheep of their day. If they do descend from a spiritual plane then maybe their Souls elected to be treated this way so they could purify or flagellate all the evil impurities out of them. Eventually you become pure love and many other enlightened ones will recognise you as the beacon you are.

by Anonymousreply 48September 19, 2018 9:58 AM

I did call out my mother but it didn't work, of course. As others have pointed out, narcissists have no sense of their own narcissism. My mother was completely self-involved, had not sense that other people existed outside of her own needs for them, and always assumed everything she did was the right thing. So my trying to talk to her about my upbringing had no effect although I did notice that, as always, she was willing to have a conversation if the topic of conversation was her.

The odd thing was that outside of her total self-involvement, she had some really good qualities: she had a terrific sense of humor, she had a kind heart, and she was smart. She had a successful career as a writer as well, very unusual for her time -- she became rather well known.

When she died, I was standing by her bed, gazing at her -- once a lovely woman, she was now a fragile, grey-haired, midget. I realized I was quite happy -- the thought that she could no longer interfere in my life gave me a sense of freedom I never had before.

by Anonymousreply 49September 19, 2018 11:15 AM

I escaped my mother's clutches and moved overseas. I had no contact with her for decades. However, death did not put an end to the chaos and misery she had caused those around her all her life. I ended up in a lawsuit over her will that lasted the better part of a decade.

by Anonymousreply 50September 19, 2018 11:33 AM

Oy. Where to begin. My mom is a raging, narcissistic head case who routinely made me and brothers feel hated when we were growing up. Someone upthread mentioned the black and white. That's what it was. She either LOVED LOVED LOVED us or completely fucking hated us. That's still the case.

She has so much anger in her that always seeks to attach itself to one of us. Usually me, because I'm the consistent one who treats her with kindness. Both my brothers married women who fucking hate her (quel surprise) so she has no one to direct that head-fucky anger and manipulativeness at but me.

What creeps me out are her lack of boundaries. My parents divorced early, and my mom was quite beautiful, stylish and a successful lawyer. She brought in so many boyfriends and was quite - uh - open about the sexual nature of their relationships - we would hear them having sex. (this was when I was a kid). And as an adult she has at times seemed almost flirtatious with me, which makes want to vomit.

She also stirs up as much drama as possible. My brother-in-law at a party commented on how stunning she looked one night and the next thing we know, she is going around telling people that he sexually harassed her. That eventually morphed into "he sexually assaulted me." SMH.

My partner is a clinical psychologist though (ha) and we have spent hours unpacking her madness and toxicity. He has also been kind to her for years but after that incident, he's out. He told me im on my own with her.

Overall, she has treated me like shit my whole life and people wonder why I still have a relationship with her. For me, I work hard at having compassion - I believe her narcissism, borderline nature and anger are all symptoms of mental illness. However, I will admit that she utterly decimated my self-esteem, and though I have a career and a wonderful husband, I also never had the courage to follow what I really wanted to do in life because of the hateful buttons she installed. Making sure I never felt smart enough or good enough. She is so competitive that I can't talk about travel or promotions or new jobs because she gets crazy jealous and ...angry.

Sorry, rambling here. Anyway, im also holding out for money. Maybe its not worth it. But she's got a great deal in a trust fund. For everything I put up with, I want that shit. She's 80 but in great shape and my guy is telling me that I should maybe just let it go and walk away from her. But im not ready. Crazy, right?

God, people are so so so fucking fucked up. It's exhausting.

by Anonymousreply 51September 19, 2018 12:07 PM

If any of you haven't read it I highly recommend Maria Riva's book on her movie star mother Marlene Dietrich. An international super star narcissist from the golden age of Hollywood. She was not physically abusive(though sexual abuse was allowed to happen from another) but the mind fuck games from this delusional pampered mostre sacre are beyond fascinating. Of course this is all framed by a life of great privilege and luxury but Riva makes it all clear she would rather have had 2 loving parents in a modest home and been fed hamburgers and melted cheese sandwiches for dinner rather than daily 8 course gourmet meals from the finest chefs. With wine pairing for her parents.

She tried to create that for her own children and if she succeeded only they can answer that. After all nobody walks away from such a life unscathed with their own disturbing issues. Look at Tatum O'Neil.

by Anonymousreply 52September 19, 2018 1:23 PM

Well you are very lucky R51 to have a career and a husband. I was so devastated by my parents I have neither and no money as well. You won the lottery in spite of your mother.

My father used to brag how much money he would leave us on his death but left nothing. He left it all to my mother who is an Italian miser extrordinaire. Be careful about that trust, your mother can fuck you over on her death or if she has a long protracted illness or goes into a nursing home it can all disappear. And from the way you're putting it you could be on shaky ground wired to her whims. Your bitterness will be nuclear if she fucks you out of that money.

by Anonymousreply 53September 19, 2018 1:35 PM

Not a gay an but someone who suffered from an abusive Narc, borderline mother and indifferent father. She died in 2013..I was finally able to et go of the hate and anger I had for her. I realized she wasn't worth the space in my head anymore

by Anonymousreply 54September 19, 2018 1:51 PM

I am so sorry for all the toxicity and pain all have suffered due to narcissistic parents.

I have several narcissists in my family and was wondering if anyone has any books, podcasts or websites to recommend as resources to help you try to navigate a relationship with them.

by Anonymousreply 55September 19, 2018 1:56 PM

It sounds like many of your parents were abuse victims. I'm glad to hear that you all are trying to stop the cycle of abuse.

by Anonymousreply 56September 19, 2018 2:01 PM

Does anyone read the 'Ask Polly' column in the New York Magazine? In today's column, a woman wrote in to ask why her parents do not love her. The situation she describes is clearly narcissistic. I think Polly nails her response in that she recognizes what is going on and validates the woman's experience. She likens the woman's mother to a hot stove. she will never love you, she will always burn you, etc. So true.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 57September 19, 2018 2:08 PM

"And from the way you're putting it you could be on shaky ground wired to her whims. Your bitterness will be nuclear if she fucks you out of that money."

thank you for the thoughtful input. you are 100% correct. in every respect. which is why many people in my life are urging me to just walk. if it were only that easy (maybe it is?)

And I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Though from the way you write, it's clear you're very intelligent and insightful - I hope that has served you in some capacity - even if that simply means you have a few friends to lean on.

It's really upsetting reading all of these stories. But it feels good to vent, too. Sending a ton of love and ((((vibes)))) to everyone here (as cheesy as that sounds).

by Anonymousreply 58September 19, 2018 2:41 PM

R51 I would hold out for the money. Maybe even ask for help with a down payment or something to get cash out now. It’s true these types will change their will at the last minute if they feel like they are not treated like a queen in their final year - so it’s a risk. But as someone with a narcissistic mother who has no money - I would definitely work her over to get money if she had it.

by Anonymousreply 59September 19, 2018 4:06 PM

I was fortunate that I learned a couple of key lessons fairly early in life:

1. You cannot change other people, nor are you responsible for getting them to change. There is one, and only one, person you can affect in a relationship and that is yourself.

2. Life is too short to put up with toxic people in your life, no matter what their relationship is with you. No matter how much you try to protect yourself, you will be harmed.

Trying to get a narcissist to see how they are hurting you, trying to get them to change their behavior, is an exercise in futility. Trying to have it out with them, to open their eyes, to achieve some sort of closure, will not work. You will not be able to persuade them to seek help; you will not be able to get them to change their ways. If they truly are toxic and, sadly, far too many are, there really is only one option: move on.

I "divorced" myself from my family at age 28 and never looked back, never regretted it.

by Anonymousreply 60September 19, 2018 4:26 PM

more woman hating. get a life

by Anonymousreply 61September 19, 2018 4:32 PM

R60 is completely on point

by Anonymousreply 62September 19, 2018 4:33 PM

great post, r60

by Anonymousreply 63September 19, 2018 4:35 PM

My mother reminds me of Trump. I recently told her I was having some issues with body image, self esteem and aging in a society that values youth above all. She said she has never felt that way. "I get hit on every day. Younger people always tell me I'm attractive, blah, blah, blah." It made me think of Trump's stable genius comment. The refusal to admit any weakness or vulnerability. They can't even admit they're old.

by Anonymousreply 64September 19, 2018 4:54 PM

Wow. I’ll spare you my details, many of which are reflected in many of your posts above in spirit, but just this morning I wanted to speak with my therapist at my appointment tonight on “needing to prove to my bitch of my Mom that I WON”.

After reading these posts I’ve accepted that is an illusory goal. Not worth it.

I’ve worked on many issues from my fucked up childhood. What’s amazing is how the layers of the onion keep unfolding once you do. It’s never “over” — one sight or sound can unleash realizations and lessons about who you were, are, and can be (and as others have noted - who you might or could’ve been...).

For me, it was watching the Gloria and Emilio Estefan musical last week. Never knew of her many struggles from her early childhood, including one jealous bitch of an insecure and ignorant immigrant mother (like my own). I was in tears throughout that show because of how in my face that pain was - I felt hers, but mostly mine. I’m still feeling the pain over a week later. My partner thought I was just being sappy, even though he has been the the victim of her narcissism and vindictiveness. His kisses at the sight of my tears are a reminder of the spoils of MY VICTORY - not hers - and I’m going to keep it that way.

I’m not conditioning it on her acknowledgement, which is what I want. I’m seeing that’ll never happen and need to figure out how to embrace this realization.

by Anonymousreply 65September 19, 2018 4:56 PM

It's not linking well here but I've been in recovery for a decade and despite the author's spelling mistakes this is the best site ever. I could have written R22.

Delve into this site, kids. I made a huge leap in recovery here and I've been at this a long time. Please fellow victims I felt like this author was living in the hall closet. Anger at weak father is an issue as well. Both dead along with their GC.

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by Anonymousreply 66September 19, 2018 4:58 PM

My parents were by no means perfect, but this thread makes me appreciate a number of things about them much more.

by Anonymousreply 67September 19, 2018 5:06 PM

My mom is lovely and I've always gotten on well with her ( and my dad) but both my grandmothers are total fucking mental cases that make me wonder how either of my parents are remotely sane. One of said grannies is coming to stay with me for 2 months. Pray for me.

by Anonymousreply 68September 19, 2018 5:09 PM

Peruse Youtube also. Can't take the accent but left this video with the nugget that

Narcissists lack integrity

Always keep that realization on top deck to protect yourself. You can't go wrong if you remember that statement^. Also, you'll instinctively look down on them because they lack integrity and you don't. Nose in the air!

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by Anonymousreply 69September 19, 2018 5:20 PM

The only way this scenario to be worse is if you didn't have support from grandparents or other relatives who sided with you. Took the heat off of you. No actually, maybe being adopted by a narcissist because someone is at fault not giving you to a normal, loving parents. Sit on that. Adopted only to be an abused tool by the narcissist. That's a fucking sin.

by Anonymousreply 70September 19, 2018 5:30 PM

Keep on the lookout for the most dangerous of narcissists. You need to spot them.

Covert Narcissists

I partnered with a covert narcissist and just realizing that maybe my weak, enabling father was actually a covert narcissist as well but still not sure about that.

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by Anonymousreply 71September 19, 2018 5:36 PM

This frau is good as well. She gets it.

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by Anonymousreply 72September 19, 2018 5:40 PM

This chick is new to beating narcissist but she's so great I subscribed to her Youtube channel.

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by Anonymousreply 73September 19, 2018 6:03 PM

r51, I'm sorry I don't mean to trivialize your upbringing but this is DL, we still should find humor in all this. Your mom was flirty with her gay son. What a cheryl thing to do.

by Anonymousreply 74September 19, 2018 6:23 PM

I admire all of you who were able to overcome narcissistic soul crushing parents and were able to do something with your lives developing satisfying emotional attachments and careers.

Some of us haven't been so lucky developing paralyzing exhaustion and anxiety frustrating all endeavors. You go through life in a kind of haze of disbelief. And you don't have the inner resources to pull yourself out of it. You just hope things don't get worse. Of course you get old and they will but you try to think as little about that as possible.

by Anonymousreply 75September 19, 2018 7:19 PM

R67, you know most of these people are lying and exaggerating, right?

by Anonymousreply 76September 19, 2018 7:32 PM

"[R67], you know most of these people are lying and exaggerating, right?"

bloody hell, I wish that were the case.

by Anonymousreply 77September 19, 2018 7:43 PM

Wow R76 thinks most of this stuff is made up or exagerated.

There are no words.

by Anonymousreply 78September 19, 2018 8:47 PM

R67, these comments barely scratch the surface. Growing up with narcissistic parents is akin to enduring psychological warfare. It is almost describable unless you grew up in it.

by Anonymousreply 79September 19, 2018 8:52 PM

(67) Hi mom!

by Anonymousreply 80September 19, 2018 9:27 PM

A lot of people here are talking about forgiveness. I believe that forgiveness is only possibly IF the wrongdoer finally acknowledges his/her mistreatment and abuse of you and genuinely seeks it. Otherwise, no. My father was the problem. Handsome as hell, and always reminding me how chubby and ugly I was. As a kid, that was true. I had bad childhood asthma, was on steroids from a young age, braces, gawky. I fortunately outgrew the asthma, started dieting and working out, and actually turned into a good looking guy by my twenties. Similar to him. Whenever guys told me how hot I was, I never believed them. I was convinced it was a joke. Whenever a man told me he loved me, I thought he was full of shit. I still have tremendous trust issues with guys to this day, and yet, I desperately need the love of a man, because I never got it from the one who should have set the template. And actually he did. Many. many people should NEVER become parents. Mandatory sterilization laws, anyone? Thanks, Dad.

by Anonymousreply 81September 19, 2018 9:49 PM

Lazy narcissistic troublemaking mother. In that parents exposed link above the author spoke about the mom never driving her kids anywhere and if she does acts put out. Check. You did chores not suitable for s child your age. You were treated as hired help.

A narc mother is bad but when it is a fat, lazy frau with no life. No job or career just a hausfrau..well, there's a seething resentment because of that. Bad enough being abused but taking the brunt from a loser is especially rage inducing. There's no glamor. It's a case of an inferior, morally undignified sedentary adult running over your innocent child self.

by Anonymousreply 82September 19, 2018 10:53 PM

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

by Anonymousreply 83September 19, 2018 10:57 PM

I asked my late partners toxic narcissistic mother long ago, before we went no contact, "Why did you beat him so much when he was a young child?"

And she answered, "Because I knew he'd be a failure as an adult."

Cunt.

by Anonymousreply 84September 19, 2018 11:04 PM

The best advice I ever got was from a therapist and it was very simple: "expect nothing"

by Anonymousreply 85September 19, 2018 11:21 PM

When my narcissistic mother died in hospice I felt absolutely nothing but I did kiss her forehead and say "good fight, mom". Sole caretaker as everyone else was dead she was in death rattle breathing. Came back after cigarette and she was finally gone. I had to take one day off two days before and she was screaming my name I'm told. She always treated hospital staff as servant slaves. They sympathized for me. So staff isn't familiar with a demanding narc and they load them up on ativan to speed things along. She never regained consciousness after that meltdown temper tantrum. I know someone else with same type of narc mom but she was really vulgar. She was in decent shape when she entered the hospice and we were shocked that she was gone in two days. All of a sudden. We thought at least a week. At least!

Years later I learned from nurses and doctors working hospice that difficult disturbing hospice patients are loaded up on drugs to speed things along. It's for the sake of everyone, especially the family they said. Does this scenario ring a bell for anyone? Even on death's door they make life difficult for everyone. Mega doses of ativan in the IV. Sayonara!

by Anonymousreply 86September 19, 2018 11:21 PM

This link explains why the scapegoat should never trust the golden child. The last sentence is hard to take but Jesus, is it true.

Your relationship with your sibling is NOT salvageable. Get over it.

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by Anonymousreply 87September 19, 2018 11:30 PM

A close relationship between the scapegoat and golden child, will in fact, inevitably be destroyed by the narcissist. This will happen because the narcissist has been moulding the golden child’s perceptions of the scapegoat since birth. Eventually, the golden child will completely forfeit the close relationship they may have with the scapegoat (if they were ever close, to begin with), and will act out the narcissist’s contempt of the scapegoat through their body language, verbal language, and utter nastiness.

Any signs of anger or emotional confusion from the scapegoat about the treatment of them during the devaluation phase will be perceived by the narcissist and the golden child as symptoms of a severe mental health issue within the scapegoat; instead of a pretty normal reaction to vile abuse.

by Anonymousreply 88September 19, 2018 11:37 PM

The narcissist’s intent is to push the scapegoat over the edge, so as all eyes are off them, and on the scapegoat instead. All of this happens because the scapegoat brings to the forefront the narcissist’s shortcomings.

-parenting.exposed

by Anonymousreply 89September 19, 2018 11:40 PM

Spreading the word and please protect yourselves guys.

Why must the scapegoat child never completely trust the golden child?

The golden child and the scapegoat child are sometimes good friends in childhood; best friends even. However, in most cases, the golden child will not accept that the scapegoat has been abused beyond belief. Deep down they too have internalised that the scapegoat is the crazy person, not the reverse.

They honestly don’t get it, and how could they? Most of the time people cannot empathise with an abused individual unless they’ve experienced something similar. Not once does the golden child ever question the impact the severe emotional abuse inflicted on the scapegoat, by the narcissist, may actually have on their sibling.

The scapegoat must never ever fully trust the golden child, under any circumstances. At the end of the day, it is most likely that when it comes down to it the golden child will always align with the narcissist.

by Anonymousreply 90September 19, 2018 11:47 PM

Hard pill to swallow? Don't get jacked out of your inheritance.

-What the scapegoat needs to understand about their relationship with the golden child:

The relationship with this child was never real and never had a chance. Relationships can’t exist when there is mind control involved or the likes of a dangerous manipulator.

by Anonymousreply 91September 19, 2018 11:51 PM

It is absolutely imperative that scapegoated children, even in adulthood, never fully trust their golden child sibling; because unbeknown to the scapegoat child, the golden-child, even in early childhood, has taken on board the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist. Deep down, regardless of a friendship with the scapegoat child, or not, the golden child will always believe that the scapegoat is fundamentally floored.

Ouch but true, non?

by Anonymousreply 92September 19, 2018 11:56 PM

Cold hard truth

-I personally believe that the golden child has already shown the scapegoat who they are, and that the scapegoat should really take this into account. The golden child cannot be trusted, and they have most likely shown this to be true on several occasions.

Possibilities for a relationship may occur after the narcissist dies. However, the scapegoat will never be able to trust the golden child again, because when it suits them, they’ll just turn against their scapegoated sibling, as a way to avoid all accountability for their own vile behaviour. The only element that will change in this scenario is who they side with.

Until the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat changes, which is unlikely, the scapegoat may need to sever all ties with the golden child and kiss the relationship goodbye.

by Anonymousreply 93September 20, 2018 12:03 AM

In high school I was not allowed to choose my own friends, so getting a fast food job was my only outside social outlet. She assumed that I was being molested so she hired a PI and tapped my phone. When I began smoking pot she ransacked my room and immediately called the cops, who then waived me into adult court because I had a few separate small bags- they assumed I was a dealer. By the by, SHE was the one who was sexually abused in her adolescence and SHE was the addict. It turns out she’s also bequeathed me a genetic condition called Ehlers-danlos, which has been really debilitating my whole life.... and now legal pot is the only thing that seems to help. I knew I didn’t want kids when I was a sophomore it’s in high school. No one should endure what I’ve had to and there’s too many as it is. When my 7 year relationship ended she was quick to try and be my savior to convince me to travel across the country. Desperate to get away I took her up on it after getting her assurance that I wouldn’t regret it later. She divorced my stepdad after one month and left me homeless unemployed and in an unknown city. I survived 28 years without a drivers license but in this new city you couldn’t function without a car. So when I pushed to get this done and passed the initial permit portion she said, “I don’t think you’re ready yet” regarding the license itself.... at twice the age. When my medical stuff got bad and I needed surgery she refused to help and some gay guy who lived in a mobile home took care of me instead. The list goes on and on.... I’ve dealt with all this and know there’s plenty more that I’m not aware of yet, which is all the more reason to not want any contact with her. Literal strangers have been kinder.

by Anonymousreply 94September 20, 2018 12:17 AM

Exposing them one post at a time

-A mask with an appearance of helplessness is the perfect armour for this shy, extremely introverted, apparently thoughtful, often extremely quiet individual.

The major difference between the overt and covert narcissist

According to Richard Grannon, there is a remarkable difference between overt and covert narcissist’s. ”The overt narcissist believes they are awesome and the world largely agrees with them. Narcissistic supply is freely available. The covert narcissist believes they are awesome and the world largely disagrees with them. Narcissistic supply is scarce, forcing them to be more cunning and deceptive than the overt narcissist.” (R. Grannon)

The scarcity belief is the reason why covert narcissists resort to methods such as divide and conquer, triangulation, and other forms of psychological torture.

-parenting.exposed

by Anonymousreply 95September 20, 2018 12:18 AM

Sorry R94. Go to parenting.exposed. Search the archives and the comments on each post. We're not alone.

by Anonymousreply 96September 20, 2018 12:21 AM

You want to know how to win against a narcissistic, abusive, or otherwise toxic relative? Move on. Don't explain, don't try to have a confrontation, don't look for closure. Move on. Shut them out of your life and get them out of your head. It's easier said than done but it's the only way back to a healthy outlook and healthy life.

by Anonymousreply 97September 20, 2018 12:21 AM

Dear God, do these people get some kinda demonic playbook at birth? May God, Buddha, Allah, whomever bless you all. And if I had a big enough house, I would invite you all to move in with me. I would love ya'll up good.

by Anonymousreply 98September 20, 2018 12:23 AM

r98=sucker

by Anonymousreply 99September 20, 2018 12:29 AM

At least half of the posters in the second 50 in this thread are unintelligent boors who bored me to tears with their inane loathsome stories. The first 50 or so had some awesome gems. Well done DL. The others can get stuffed.

by Anonymousreply 100September 20, 2018 12:38 AM

My brother, the GC had the tables turned on him when the newly minted M.D. became engaged to a trampy file clerk single mom with 3 kids. Both us boys had no loans. Our parents basically paid us to achieve advanced degrees. Strings galore.

They couldn't talk him out of it and their small wedding reception (both 2nd marriage) was absolutely fraught with tension. I supported my parents and my brother as I didn't have any issues plus a great life then.

You guessed it. My parents came crawling to me. This went on for about 5 years. When brother GC was astonished that the world didn't favor him as my parents did, he too came crawling to me. Of course I obliged being the empathic scapegoat but I really knew who I was and loved myself deeply. GC sucked me back in again at Thanksgiving his McMansion. The go between for my brother and parents. I was happy to help and could see things clearly. Being in AA (outskirts only) really helped me. Career off of the charts. I had everything. Call my brother and ask why he wasn't packing up to move to parents' palatial home with lots of free space. He said his wife and he were gonna take a sojourn for a few days and work things out. He claimed she didn't appreciate him but truth is she wasn't going to treat this entitled wackstain as my parents did.

New Years Day a call from mother at 9AM. "Brooks, we have a problem, she said. Hunter shot himself." He had a toddler and a newborn at the time.

So scapegoat son here won in the long run. In every way, shape and form except for the fallout of caring for my two elderly broken parents. Not worth it.

So I say to the scapegoats and victims here. Live your life, don't feed the narc parent or GC and eventually they'll hang themselves. Fuck that family dynamic because when we're now dealing with the outside world..the outside world is not going to cotton to that shit. None of it. Takes time but you will witness these toxic people go down in flames.

Just make sure you lose that early family role of yours or you'll end up with another narcissist. I did this years later. Now three years later my nerves are all shot out after finally getting the covert narc out of my house.

I rely heavily on parenting.exposed website and youtube channel at R73. Wasn't making headway anywhere else. I want myself back ASAP.

by Anonymousreply 101September 20, 2018 1:08 AM

New Years Day, people. All kids in the house and their sleepover pals. Spiteful controlling motherfucker. Happy New Year Everyone! Shotgun to the stomach in master bedroom. All of this because myself and the world wasn't willing to bend to his shit. His toddler son saw his guts hanging out on stretcher to ambulance. The kid said "Daddy has a tummy ache he ate too many peanuts".

OMG!

by Anonymousreply 102September 20, 2018 1:17 AM

I am a straight female but had a horrid mother too. It took me a long time to deal with it but I finally realized that it was her and not me. That was the beginning. We don't always know what our parents went thru that may have contributed to them being the way they were. My mother had been sexually abused as a teenager. Over the years I had friends that had been sexually abused and I found this one common thread in all of them. They would not let anyone in and focused only on themselves. They all made horrid mothers. There are many things that lead to the way a person turns out, abuse, mental illness, etc. but we are still not to blame.

I was able to see that I was more evolved than her and that I could do nothing to make her different. All I could do was be better and I was. I raised 3 of my own kids who have far better lives then I ever dreamed of having and I broke a cycle. Our parents are who they were and we had nothing to do with making them the way they were. All we can do is be better.

by Anonymousreply 103September 20, 2018 2:25 AM

R95 Richard Grannon is hot as hell and I love his accent but his vids are useless as fuck. I got tired of his worthless videos very fast.

by Anonymousreply 104September 20, 2018 4:32 AM

This is from the "Ask Polly" column linked above:

"Because your dad is weak and dependent on your mom, he enables her. He tries to be good to you in his weak ways, but really, he’s just as bad as she is, because he’s willing to stand by and let her sickness destroy everything around them. Sadly, sick parents with enabling spouses aren’t rare. Disordered people need a partner who’ll pretend that life inside their twisted bubble is normal and everyone else is crazy."

Hoo boy does that ever nail my parents' marriage! like she was living in the cupboard under the stairs!

Anyway, I'd just like to send best wishes to everyone who's told an awful story on this thread, and accept the general good wishes from everyone who's given them, not to single out my own awful stories. And I'd like to compliment everyone as well, yes the awful stories are awful, but the thread is really about healing and surviving.

Venting is nice for a minute, but if you've been through this shit it's not enough, what a person needs is to study the ways to unlearn the insanity, and learn to lead a healthy and productive life. And it definitely has to be learned as an adult, because if you had a parent like this you didn't learn any of that shit the way normal people did. So yeah, I've spent my adulthood feeling like I'm twenty years behind my peers in some way, because my first twenty years on this Earth were such a dead loss that I had to start from scratch as a young adult. Well, at least I escaped and made the fresh start, my life isn't what anyone else would call fabulous, but at least it's MY life.

by Anonymousreply 105September 20, 2018 8:14 AM

Good for you R105. You need to be loving and self-contained before you can magnetically attract others who are the same. Unhealthy or toxic people can only project that onto others then they are flummoxed when others mirror back precisely those things back to them.

by Anonymousreply 106September 20, 2018 9:19 AM

[quote]Shotgun to the stomach in master bedroom.

Wow, R101/R102, your brother may have been the golden child but he wasn't very smart -- who the hell chooses to shoot themselves in the stomach instead of the head? Duhhh!

by Anonymousreply 107September 20, 2018 10:05 AM

This guy explains narcissism so well. He is brilliant. This one video he describes covert narcissism.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 108September 20, 2018 11:07 AM

My parents were toxic and I'm toxic. I know this and have lost a number of friends. I've used and exploited people and I'm not proud but I couldn't help it. My sociopathic tendencies have fucked me up. My parents would never have admitted to their own. The only thing my father said to me before he died was that I was smart not to have had children.

No shit Sherlock. One family was one too many.

by Anonymousreply 109September 20, 2018 11:26 AM

Maybe some of you already know but there's a really interesting subreddit about this too r/raisedbynarcissists

[quote] This is a support group for people raised by (or being raised by) a narcissistic parent. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. Significant others and friends are all welcome.

Check the helpful links on the sidebar too and maybe sort by top if you wanna read the 'best' stories

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by Anonymousreply 110September 20, 2018 1:39 PM

So next time you feel compelled to bitch about celebs sending their children off to boarding school know that its a good thing. There is no place more dangerous or perverse than home.

by Anonymousreply 111September 20, 2018 2:14 PM

....

by Anonymousreply 112September 20, 2018 2:21 PM

And if your parents are the type to attend religious services no matter the denomination you can 10 fold the self righteous self absorbed narcissism factor.

by Anonymousreply 113September 20, 2018 2:36 PM

I knew from an early age I never wanted children due to way I was treated growing up. As I grew older I made a decision not to have kids since I did not have a desire and I was not cut out to be a mother. I saw by my mother's example that motherhood is nothing but a chore and kids are burdens. I guess this is my way of stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse. This is a cycle that easily repeats itself unless you get help or choose not to reproduce.

by Anonymousreply 114September 20, 2018 11:03 PM

Thanks a lot doofus, for your worthless opinion. Good grief.

by Anonymousreply 115September 21, 2018 5:46 AM

How much do you think is based on jealousy and constant comparison to others? Jealousy even that we had youth and were seemingly wasting on being a total disappointment. God I think my mother is an actual witch

by Anonymousreply 116September 21, 2018 5:58 AM

Nobody knows what 12 year old doofus R115 is talking about.

by Anonymousreply 117September 21, 2018 6:34 AM

Lol.

by Anonymousreply 118September 22, 2018 1:49 AM

Okay. There are two types of narcissistic mothers. The descriptions below will bring you validation like you've never had before.

Was she...

allows the child to do what ever they like because they, the parent, do not want to deal with the child Appears to be very disengaged from the child, and shows very little care about the child’s future

-or-

need to know everything their child is doing listen in on every private phone call become involved in, and a part of every friendship be completely possessive of the child read every private letter

Well?

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by Anonymousreply 119September 24, 2018 9:51 PM

R107, an MD is who. Allows for an open casket to fuck with those at the wake. Also very vain person?

by Anonymousreply 120September 24, 2018 9:54 PM

Raise your hand if your parents didn't think your college education should involve any effort or expense on their part!

by Anonymousreply 121September 24, 2018 10:08 PM

If it helps, I have read every line of each of your stories. I had no idea that there were so many of you suffering like this. I can't imagine what it's like to have lived your lives without your mother's love. You all are survivors and heroes. I don't think I could have come out on the other end like you have. You all did an amazing job.

by Anonymousreply 122September 24, 2018 10:13 PM

I was verbally abused, yelled at, the rage would come out suddenly like the flick of a switch, I was beat so much, that the bruises and mysterious injuries were investigated by child services, but I lied for her. She was alcoholic, showed no love, no interest in my life, even as I tried to talk to her, she was like a wall. She really lost it as my parents divorced, and we really got the brunt of it. Though she had her own tough times, verbally abusive parent, beat by her husband. It was hard to see beyond my own experience at the time.

I had punched down to my poor brother, so he experienced my mother and me. As a teenager I decided to take control, and provoke her every time she would go for my younger siblings. I felt it was unjust, so at least it could be concentrated on me. I felt a sense of calm when it happened, because I chose it, rather than it being her whims. I have many more sort of examples, but you don't need them. You probably don't need them here.

I recreated that coping mechanism in my life, causing bad things to happen to me, so it was my choice, being in an physically abusive relationship, but provoking them (when I was young). They will always resent me for casting me in that role. I don't blame them. Realized I'm too messed up for relationships, so I keep away, for all our sakes. I don't blame her anymore. No point. I am trying to unlearn my bad coping mechanisms. Not successfully, but I keep trying, and hope I can get there someday. I try different things, counselling, reading, but it seems nothing has been the right fit. Would love to stop destroying so much in my life, but I'm slowly getting better.

by Anonymousreply 123September 24, 2018 10:38 PM

Lesbian Sandra Rose is talking about this thread on her website:

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 124September 26, 2018 2:58 AM

Hoo boy, R124. What kind of this idiot could read this thread and take nothing away from it but "Single mothers are bad, fathers are good"? Didn't she read all the anecdotes about fathers being there and not helping, or being part of the problem?

Of course she didn't. And I don't believe she's a lesbian, that "FATHERS FATHERS FATHERS" shit is a straight woman's obsession. They're terrified of having men leave after they've bred children, so they go on and on and on about the importance of having a father in the house.

by Anonymousreply 125September 26, 2018 5:46 AM

Who is this fucking asshole cunt? Stupid as a piece of fucking shit. OP never said anything about the abuse causing his homosexuality. What a fucking asshole cunt this writer is. The whole point of the thread was gay men healing from their selfish fucking asshole mother's abuse.

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by Anonymousreply 126September 26, 2018 6:59 AM

No, quite succinctly it is the cunty parents rejecting their gay offspring: that is the truth of the matter. The odd ill-equipped parents of said children did NOT make them gay, just less advantaged.

by Anonymousreply 127September 26, 2018 7:04 AM

Children are born gay. It is never a fucking choice. I don't know any gay man who would have chosen to be gay. They don't exist.

by Anonymousreply 128September 26, 2018 7:09 AM

R128 WORD!

by Anonymousreply 129September 26, 2018 7:10 AM

We all have to play the cards we're dealt, and sadly some of us were dealt a bad hand. All we can do is the best we can as adults and do our utmost to not let the past define us. Hopefully, instead of bitterness and regret, our unhappy childhoods will give us some insight and compassion for all the suffering in the world.

by Anonymousreply 130September 26, 2018 7:13 AM

Nobody taught them how to be ‘good’ mothers

by Anonymousreply 131September 26, 2018 7:13 AM

Good mothers don't just randomly happen, stupid shitbag. They are created over many generations.

by Anonymousreply 132September 26, 2018 7:15 AM

Great mums are are a gift from G-d.

by Anonymousreply 133September 26, 2018 7:19 AM

"Nobody taught them how to be ‘good’ mothers "

A person can be a decent parent without being taught, or even having been raised by shitty parents... IF they can scrape together a bit of kindness, understanding, decency, and the ability to learn from people other than their shitty parents.

This thread is specifically about narcissistic mothers (and fathers), the kind that see their children as either an accessory, a punching bag, or a n annoyance. Narcissists don't seem to just be the product of shitty parenting, to me their utter self-absorption and disregard for other people may be an inborn defect. Certainly there's no cure for narcissism, no way to make narcissists see that their children are human beings who have the same rights they do, and not just something to be used.

by Anonymousreply 134September 26, 2018 7:38 AM

Should be a school for moms .

by Anonymousreply 135September 26, 2018 7:38 AM

And dads

by Anonymousreply 136September 26, 2018 7:39 AM

I'm sorry to be intrusive. I am a woman from an abusive upbringing. When I became a parent I knew that I had to be different to my mother, to break the cycle, to give my son what he needed. I had no direct positive modelling, and wasn't sure where to start. So I read 40-50 parenting books, looking at different aspects of a child's upbringing and development. I picked the parts that seemed to fit the kind of home and parent I wanted to be. Having that knowledge was very helpful. I felt more confident, having this all in my tool box.

I had heard that you become a parent like your same sex parent, particularly when you are stressed. When I was tired and stressed I felt a rage and desire to lash out. Mostly I have taught myself to pull back, but occasionally I give in and snap and yell. Then apologise, and explain why It is my fault and not okay. It is a constant effort to be a good and supportive parent, and unlearn the unhelpful early messaging. But I try all the time. It is the most important commitment I have made in my life.

I guess what I am saying, that I agree. Being a good parent is definitely created, whether it be now or generations ago.

by Anonymousreply 137September 26, 2018 7:56 AM

Are postpartum moms bad moms ?

by Anonymousreply 138September 26, 2018 8:35 AM

My mother most likely has Borderline. It took me a very long time to realize that. She was never overtly physically abusive, but she was emotionally manipulative to an extreme degree. One of her favorite tricks was to make us worry about household finances, which always made me think we were a month or two away from losing our house. My parents divorced when I was really young, and it wasn't until years later that I discovered that my father was actually quite generous with child support and alimony. Because of the money situation, I was always terrified of getting sick, because I thought we couldn't afford to go to the doctor. Even as an adult, I have problems with it, which makes my career choice kind of hysterically ironic.

Because of some stuff that happened between my siblings, I suspect she may have sexually abused my younger brother, who is autistic. My mother and brother now have a very strange, and creepy codependent relationship. She never really wanted to get him help to learn life skills, and he's never lived independently and probably will never be able to. She's in her 70s now, and I have no idea what's going to happen when she dies. I think my dad has been planning for it, and has told me several times that he will make sure it's not my responsibility. My sister won't have anything to do with him, for obvious reasons.

I've wondered if she abused me when I was small, because I don't think she would just start doing it after having one child for three years, but I don't have any memory of it.

My dad didn't win any parenting awards during my adolescence, but he was man enough to admit that he didn't handle it well.

by Anonymousreply 139September 26, 2018 10:45 AM

I share R122 's sentiments, I didn't know there were so many abusive parents and I applaud those of you who have made the effort to move past the abuse. I hope all of you who have been abused are able to find resolution and happiness in your adult lives.

by Anonymousreply 140September 26, 2018 11:08 AM

I went through the same thing, scapegoated, attacked, physically, at home and in public, in front of my Grandmother and father who did nothing. He beat me too on his own, separately, was pussywhipped by mom. Ultimately I worked---worked!--- to befriend them because I knew I had an inheritance, and they were older by then so had less energy to be shitty, though Mom persisted. Dad by that time knew he was wrong and she was damaged but he was a Beta male at best and not wanting to draw her ire left me to fend for myself.

I got most of what I was due but Mom and golden child made sure to change her will to screw me out of real estate, and before she even died she would scream at me how she wanted her money back. Psycho! she and my half sister, who has only ever mooched off my parents, were thick as thieves.

I think that sex is just one kind of incest. Like was said above these toxic parents want to attach their damage onto their child.

I have no children, never wanted any, one family was bad enough, as another said, above. My friends have always been my salvation, even just reading about them, like I do here.

by Anonymousreply 141September 26, 2018 11:34 AM

I'd love to understand her intense hatred of fags.

Figuring out why my speech and gestures were "bad" was impossible and the scolding/mocking would take over any conversation or activity. I'd get in trouble over stupid shit.

I was kind of blind to her mocking/mimicking me in front of other kids and parents. People have made references to this and it throws me for a "was I too deaf to notice?" whirlwind.

by Anonymousreply 142September 26, 2018 12:55 PM

Yikes. That is rough.

by Anonymousreply 143September 26, 2018 3:25 PM

[quote]Raise your hand if your parents didn't think your college education should involve any effort or expense on their part!

Yep. Even worse, they didn't tell me this beforehand: as I entered grade 12, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for my college edumacation and was basically laughed out of the room..

Important note: we may not have been wealthy, but we sure as fuck weren't poor, either. Anyone else at that income level could have easily started setting aside money for their child, my folks just didn't fucking bother.

by Anonymousreply 144September 28, 2018 6:14 AM

Roof/food/basic clothing was all my parents felt they should provide. Anything else, I had to go out and earn money to buy it. I started working babysitting and mowing lawns at age 11.

by Anonymousreply 145September 28, 2018 6:28 AM

[quote] I was kind of blind to her mocking/mimicking me in front of other kids and parents. People have made references to this and it throws me for a "was I too deaf to notice?" whirlwind.

R142, it's not that you were too blind/deaf/dumb [pun intended] to know she was mocking you, you were just so used to it that it seemed normal, you thought everyone spoke to their kids that way.

Just like children of alcoholics initially assume that everyone else's parents get shitfaced all the time, too. Or how abused children usually won't ask for help because they don't know help exists, they don't know that what's happening to them is legally and morally wrong.

by Anonymousreply 146September 28, 2018 6:30 AM

[quote]Or how abused children usually won't ask for help because they don't know help exists,

For those of us who are older, help didn't exist. Laws, social services and law enforcement mostly turned a blind eye, preferred not or simply didn't have the wherewithal to get involved. And sometimes where you ended up was even more toxic than what you were removed from.

But it's true about not asking for help. Even today, I still believe don't bother to ask for help, because there's no one who will bother to help me.

by Anonymousreply 147September 28, 2018 6:38 AM

"Raise your hand if your parents didn't think your college education should involve any effort or expense on their part!"

oh god. Thisthisthis.

My mom was terrified that either myself or one of my brothers would eclipse her achievements. She had a bachelor's degree and three post-graduate degrees, including a JD.

My brothers and I are all college dropouts. And the college we did go to we paid for ourselves. She told us to ask my dad, knowing my dad was a selfish SOB who always claimed poverty even though he lived in a sweet pad on the upper east side of Manhattan.

Just thinking about this gets me furious. Why the fuck do these ASSHOLES have kids? Be selfish! Live for yourself and don't procreate!!! ugh.

I will say one thing: poetically, we've all gone on to achieve more in our chosen fields (photograph, design,) than my mom EVER did. I know this drives her up the wall. And that makes me so so happy.

by Anonymousreply 148September 28, 2018 2:18 PM

The thread should have been named How We Hated Our Abusive Selfish Narcissistic Parents.

Because even if one is worse than the other unless one is dead the other is the enabler.

Bad title which plays into the whole stereotype of men hating women.

by Anonymousreply 149September 28, 2018 3:51 PM

I don’t think parents should be assumed to pay for a college education. Mine didn’t. That’s why I took out loans and was in deep debt when I graduated and had to work miserable jobs to keep paying the loans. I didn’t have the luxury to be what I wanted to be but I made a life for myself independent of parental subsidies. I agree people shouldn’t have kids - but I can’t stand the whining that “my parents didn’t pay for college”. Do you see the abuse some people went through? You deserve no sympathy from this group.

by Anonymousreply 150September 28, 2018 4:55 PM

R149 Fuck off, asswipe. Start another thread about fathers or "parents". This one is about mothers only, k fucktard?

by Anonymousreply 151September 28, 2018 10:30 PM

R149 is truly a fucktard. Which parent creates women-haters exactly? Mothers, usually.

by Anonymousreply 152September 28, 2018 10:35 PM

R152, you're responsible for your own behavior as an adult. Grow up.

by Anonymousreply 153September 28, 2018 11:06 PM

R151 If you want to shit on your mother it sounds like she deserves it. She produced you and your father watched while she took that dump then wiped you up and put you in the basinet when he should have flushed you down the toilet along with the rest of the sewage.

by Anonymousreply 154September 29, 2018 12:14 AM

R154 talks about herself. Fuck off with your sad story of your birth. Cunt.

by Anonymousreply 155September 29, 2018 2:32 AM

I can't talk about my selfish narcissistic mother without talking about my enabling passive-agressive father's enabling, so fuck the guys who want this thread to only bash mothers!

And R150, in my case my family was well-to-do, and of course the "golden child" got his way paid through college and grad school. While I was out on my ass at 18, desperately trying to earn a living and deal with severe clinical depression and being totally prepared for the real world, with my horrible parents trying to help by calling me "lazy, worthless, and embarrassing" because I wasn't working my way through college with no support from anyone. I'm going to bitch about that on my deathbed, as well as here.

by Anonymousreply 156September 29, 2018 3:30 AM

Listen R155 just because your mother shat you out and ever since her traumatic dump you've despised women your hateful father is still responsible for not beating you to death with a baseball bat when he saw you slithering onto the floor in your placenta of bloody filth.

This is what I meant by fathers needing to take an equal hand in child care and not blame mothers entirely for failures of responsibility.

by Anonymousreply 157September 29, 2018 3:58 AM

R157 Drink a bottle of bleach, disgusting cunt. Everybody hates you. You are pure scum and villainy.

by Anonymousreply 158September 29, 2018 6:30 AM

R124, Sandra Rose is one of the old black lesbian racial preoccupation trolls on here. Her email address and ip was outed for having about 20 sockpuppet accounts on dlisted.com alone back in 2012, IIRC. She was constantly getting booted off of Celebitchy. Trolling comment sections at RadarOnline and X17. I wouldn't visit her website link from here because she will note every IP address that is referred from this site. She will then stalk you site to site. She is the one who posted that link to her site. Who the hell would know or care about some old black woman's site or her readership (her sockpuppets)? Answer: No one other than a geriatric black troll female lesbian ghetto dweller.

by Anonymousreply 159September 29, 2018 6:45 AM

R125, single motherhood is the bane of the black woman's existence be lesbian or straight. Just don't click on her links. It's a trap. Posted twice no less on a predominately gay website. It is the MO of the dreaded "jigaboo troll" who haunted dlisted on the regular.

by Anonymousreply 160September 29, 2018 6:56 AM

R159 What a despicable cunt with worthless opinions. Like the psychotic trolls on DL who have no intelligence.

by Anonymousreply 161September 29, 2018 6:56 AM

R158 You have enormous hate because of your disgusting insistence that fathers are not equally responsible for producing bloody tumors with teeth and hair like you which shows that maybe your father did try did kill you but being the pathetic asshole he was failed.

by Anonymousreply 162September 29, 2018 10:06 AM

Yuck.

by Anonymousreply 163October 2, 2018 4:11 PM

Narcissistic, alcoholic, mentally ill and numerous other issues affect the people who excluding narcissists, do not choose bi-polar or depression or even alcoholism. They are medical conditions. Without treatment they won’t heal. Yes, childhoods are miserable. That we must recognize & move on or there’s zero life. Confronting these issues can be done. Confrontation or blame will pretty much resolve nothing. Think if a parent truly acted with intent to inflict emotional or other pain. Those monsters are few among the many parents who repeat a pattern or have issues unaddressed. The best they knew sucked but it was the best they knew believe that. All the lip service of taking over the OP says must occur once leaving the home, it’s not gone. The venom is still fresh and resentment clear. That’s not taking responsibility or actively attempting change. If your childhood sucked, I’m truly sorry for you. I relate. Don’t let your entire life suck. Be the person you want to be. One absolutely must reconcile the past. Stop reliving it. If you truly had one of those monsters, love yourself enough to detach, get help and once who you’re aware of yourself & who you’re meant to be seek the life & love you deserve. Honestly, it’s not easy, I get it. I spent years of therapy to not hate my parents. They didn’t wake up each day & plot more misery. It became a dynamic out of control. Once I understood looking at the relationships with help was confronting them my desire? Yes. More than life. They hurt me. They damaged me. More than they’ll ever understand. I didn’t confront them as I worked with someone who healed parts of me to allow forgiveness & understand there was no winner to be had. We all lost too much already. I’m still moving on slowly. I still believe I will ever have someone love me. I have to try. I’m all I have and the truth is I must determine will I be bitter, controlling, demanding, etc, or be the core of what I never had. I’m not trying to beat them. I’m living my life. We all do at some point and focus on today & then tomorrow how can I be better than ytd. I don’t want that past. The misery of my childhood. I can grieve it & I have. It happened. Past. It’s not happening now. I’m happening now. I hope something makes sense within this ramble. Love yourself more than you hate them.

by Anonymousreply 164October 2, 2018 4:53 PM

Your post was a mess but you repeated what others have said already. It is never about "not hating" the toxic abusers in your life. Fuck those assholes. It is about ending the abuse forever in your life.

by Anonymousreply 165October 2, 2018 4:58 PM

R165 keep on hating then See how that works out.

Forgiveness and self-compassion are the alternatives and proven as “holding on to hate is like drinking poison”.

And, an informed, accurate “mess” vs an anger vulgar post promoting hate. Pretty as much as you like. It’s still lipstick on a pig.

by Anonymousreply 166October 2, 2018 5:59 PM

R166 LOL. I love it when brain dead retards try to play with the adults. Go back to the trailer park, trash.

by Anonymousreply 167October 2, 2018 6:12 PM

my MOTHER

ALL of those EARRINGS!!!

all of those CAFTANSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Anonymousreply 168October 2, 2018 6:13 PM

Lol.

by Anonymousreply 169October 6, 2018 9:49 PM

Agree with R165. Thanks for sharing

by Anonymousreply 170October 6, 2018 10:17 PM

There is alot of evidence piling up that childhood abuse changes your DNA.

So, forgive those fuckers all you want. You can never escape. (You never know what’s coming for ya)

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 171October 6, 2018 10:35 PM

Nobody but a moron or a xtian thinks forgiveness means anything.

by Anonymousreply 172October 6, 2018 10:52 PM
by Anonymousreply 173October 8, 2018 7:45 PM

I don't believe in total forgiveness, not to the point of saying it's totally all right or that none of what they did matters. Because yeah, there are some things that aren't all right years later, and that do still matter.

I just don't believe in keeping the feelings of hurt and anger at the forefront of the mind. Not because the feelings aren't justified, but just because keeping feelings of hurt and anger at the forefront of the mind is so bad for a person, it makes you into an asshole. That's what "going on with your life" is about, finding things that are more important to you to think about - ideally that means thinking about your career or partner or friends or dog, just paying more attention to what's good in your life than the old injuries.

Of course, you can't start that process as long as you're still letting the assholes hurt you, you have to get away before the healing can start, but that's how the healing works.

by Anonymousreply 174October 8, 2018 8:22 PM

[quote] ideally that means thinking about your career or partner or friends or dog

What about me, you bitch!

by Anonymousreply 175October 15, 2018 4:19 PM

I saw "Tosca" last night, and I like how it handles the issue of forgiveness.

Scarpia tries to rape Tosca and condemns her boyfriend to death, and she kills him. THEN she says "I forgive you"!

Of course that wasn't absolute genuine forgiveness, that was Tosca's religiosity at play. But it's true, you can't forgive anyone until you've completely broken their power over you. Free yourself first, and then and only then, decide if you have any interest in forgiving.

by Anonymousreply 176October 15, 2018 4:26 PM

OMFG, spoilers!!!

by Anonymousreply 177October 15, 2018 4:38 PM

R176 others have said that on the thread and much better than you. Sad frau.

by Anonymousreply 178October 15, 2018 8:32 PM

OMG. Sad frau indeed.

by Anonymousreply 179November 1, 2018 6:29 AM

Omg. So sad.

by Anonymousreply 180November 21, 2018 1:22 PM

I think freeing yourself is forgiveness.

by Anonymousreply 181November 21, 2018 3:46 PM

Tosca's my gurl!

by Anonymousreply 182November 21, 2018 6:50 PM

bump.

by Anonymousreply 183December 17, 2018 3:25 PM

This thread is difficult to read because so many people have posted exact descriptions of both my parents. While it’s nice not to feel so alone, it makes me angry to know that so many parents were such assholes to their kids. On top of all of my parents shit, I had to deal with a mentally ill older sister. I cut ties with everyone as much as I could but there’s still the guilt factor.

by Anonymousreply 184December 17, 2018 4:14 PM

Good for you 'mo. Get those cunts out of your life.

by Anonymousreply 185December 19, 2018 5:32 AM

Mary! Xmas.

by Anonymousreply 186December 24, 2018 3:57 PM

My mother dragged the Christmas tree out i to the backyard and lit it on fire. I was 7.

by Anonymousreply 187December 24, 2018 4:03 PM

What is it with ruining the holidays for small children for these mothers? When I was six I was very excited to use my own money I had saved from birthday gifts, etc. to buy my mother a Christmas gift. My dad took me to the department store. I picked a Christmas ornament that could be engraved. I had it engraved “To Mommy Christmas (year)”. When she opened it on Christmas morning she said, “Why would I want that?” and tossed it on the floor and later, while we were cleaning up wrapping paper, casually kicked it across the room. She kept it with the rest of the Christmas decorations so I would see it every year when we got them out, but never hung it on the tree.

by Anonymousreply 188December 24, 2018 5:47 PM

R162 I initially shared your attitude that this thread was about "blaming" women and letting men off, however, that's my own prejudice. People have shitty mothers. Talking about them doesn't mean fathers are SO much better or that the person hates women (although they might but now we know why). I really hate "whataboutism" because it minimizes a person's experiences. Reading these posts doesn't show women bashing but men and women who've been deeply hurt by the one person who was identified as the picture of nurturing.

by Anonymousreply 189December 24, 2018 5:56 PM

I can relate, R11. Mine alternated between calling me not good enough and too much.

Narcissists suck.

by Anonymousreply 190December 24, 2018 6:00 PM

R189 hating your abusive father would be another thread topic. Stay focused.

by Anonymousreply 191December 25, 2018 3:45 AM

My mother AND 2 of my grandmothers were narcissistic demons

by Anonymousreply 192December 25, 2018 4:00 AM

R124, this Sandra Rose lady is, of course, making certain inferences that might not necessarily be true. But where there is blame to be had, a man will find a woman to blame first. When threads like this talk about serious mental health conditions, with no evidence of a doctor ever making the diagnosis, especially regarding this common stereotype of women as overly 'emotional' or 'crazy' or 'hysterical'.

Women have been beaten, raped, bought and sold and all sorts of brutality at the hands of men, since time immemorial. They have been treated as a minority, when they form the majority. They have also had to take care of their abusers, and their abuser's children, because of biological factors and social conditioning.

Women have been more than accomodating to men. And I really don't think the male of the species has any concept of what it is like to be a woman. Because, to imagine being a woman, something perceived as 'weak' or 'feminine' is too much for the fragile and specious concept such as masculinity.

Women are not wholly responsible for the care, feelings, well-being and for nurturing of boys/men. That is why men should have equal paternity time, why men should be more open with their children to support them, not just financially, but emotionally. Men are also confined and not liberated from perceived gender roles.

by Anonymousreply 193December 25, 2018 1:47 PM

I'm in a similar situation r11, though my dad did his fair share of trying to ruin my life. It was a joint project for those two.

The cultural expectation of people to have kids lead to a LOT of people having kids who had no business being in charge of tiny human beings.

by Anonymousreply 194December 25, 2018 1:58 PM

My partner's dad was so fucked up he literally ended up on CNN Breaking News but he blames his mother more. She is not a good person, she's a nasty far-right liar with a drug problem, but she didn't hole herself up in a house with hostages and guns like his dad did.

But you can't tell my partner that maybe his dad shares some of the blame for his fucked up life. Nope, it's all mom.

That in and of itself has made me more defensive of moms taking all the blame. There are some people who can't shake off the whole Freudian "tell me about your mother" thing.

by Anonymousreply 195December 25, 2018 2:03 PM

Biologically speaking, step fathers naturally want to destroy children who aren't theirs. Mothers are often too weak or incompetent to protect the children from these monsters. That is ultimately the mothers fault.

by Anonymousreply 196December 26, 2018 6:02 AM

Gurl, find your strength and your power now, but you got to learn to forgive and let go, eventually.

by Anonymousreply 197December 26, 2018 9:32 AM

R197 who the fuck are you speaking to?

by Anonymousreply 198January 23, 2019 8:21 PM

My mother died far too young. In fact I was 13 when she died. Loved her to death, it's my father that was the toxic asshole.

by Anonymousreply 199January 23, 2019 8:31 PM

R199 nice. Stay on topic, moron.

by Anonymousreply 200January 24, 2019 8:24 AM

OP started this thread for gay MEN and frau cunts are posting.

WE

DON’T

WANT

YOU

HERE!

FUCK!!!!!

by Anonymousreply 201January 24, 2019 12:29 PM

R61=unwelcome Frau cunt.

by Anonymousreply 202January 24, 2019 12:32 PM

Tough reading this thread.

by Anonymousreply 203April 8, 2019 4:10 PM

My mother wanted to fuck me. I am sure of it. She always made me rub her legs in order to get my weekly allowance. She was always drunk and high on valium. She always wanted to hold my hand while watching television. Once, after I blew my load in the bathroom, she held my greasy hand and asked if I used hand lotion. I have no doubt she loved me in her own twisted way, but after my only brother was killed in war she really hovered over me. She smoke a lot too and once I got her high on pot. She was having a hair permanent at the time and was so stone she burned her hair. It was in pin curls for weeks. Thankfully, she died when I was 21 but the damage was already done. I went to much therapy but even though I was always gay, I believe she laid the misogynistic egg within me. Still struggling with that today.

by Anonymousreply 204April 8, 2019 4:24 PM

Is it common for narcissistic parents to turn their own kids against each other?

by Anonymousreply 205April 8, 2019 4:31 PM

My mom was sexually abused by her family doctor as a child and physically abused by my grandmother. Needless to say, she didn't have a great life.

Unfortunately, she developed into someone with both narcistic tendencies and Borderline Personality Disorder. We had a very, very toxic relationship growing up. She and my father divorced when I was six. I was turned into her weapon. She made me hate him.

On top of that, my being gay was a big issue for her, mostly because she was worried about how it would make her look. Even though she hates my dad and they don't speak, the first thing she said to me when I came out was "I hope you haven't told your father because he's just going to blame me."

I stopped speaking to her in my mid-twenties. It's been almost six years now and I feel much healthier with still a long way to go. I've done years and years of therapy. I found EMDR to be really amazing. Growing up with a narcissist and BPD very much left me with PTSD. If you're looking for help, I would highly recommend trying EMDR.

by Anonymousreply 206July 17, 2019 3:06 AM

Been no contact with the whole family for 8 years now... Those 8 years have taught me that life was actually worth living... I am 45.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 207July 17, 2019 3:52 AM

I haven’t spoken to my cunt mother in over 10 years, but the crazy bitch likes to crash my opening nights. Boundary-disrespecting, narcissistic, hot box of cray. Hopefully dead before too long.

by Anonymousreply 208July 17, 2019 3:57 AM

Glad someone bumped this thread. I love all of you who shared your stories and wish to give you the warmest hug. I know, MARY! LOL. But it takes courage to talk about your pain that strikes at the core of you. Abuse from the mother is the hardest thing to get over because most of us abused children still identified with and loved our mother. Even if we knew it was wrong, few would have chosen to outright leave. This prolongs our suffering and makes it often impossible to ever be healthy and love others.

by Anonymousreply 209July 17, 2019 5:35 AM

My mom is passive aggressive as fuck. I know she loves me, but she still has a tendency to play victim and get under my skin. Whenever I call her out on her bullshit she starts crying and going into her routine of “sorry I was a bad mother who screwed up your childhood”....it’s exhausting. My dad has his own issues of abandonment and abuse from his father. Cheated on my grandma and had a hidden family that my granny, father and uncles didn’t know about. Yeah. My parents have their own demons. Unfortunately fighting their own mental battles impacted me in a negative way. My parents accept me, but we still have a lot of shit that we are working through. I just try to stay positive and move through it now. I’ve wasted too much time being angry and depressed over shit I don’t control. Therapy and meds are game changers. My therapist put it to me real direct, I can either cut people off, or learn to accept hem as they are. No expectations. Just take the good and if things get toxic create boundaries. So, that’s what I am doing. This perspective has helped me tremendously.

by Anonymousreply 210July 17, 2019 5:55 AM

My mother now is all with the “I love you so much” histrionics. It sounds so eerily fake. She’s always behaved like some sort of calculating insect whose main purpose is survival at all costs. She would devour me if she could. Little does she know how long ago my heart hardened against her. Her voting for Trump was the last straw!

by Anonymousreply 211July 17, 2019 12:54 PM

R211 Sure, Jan.

by Anonymousreply 212July 17, 2019 3:35 PM

R211 is typing from a mental hospital.

by Anonymousreply 213September 18, 2019 7:54 AM

R211. My mom is the same. She has a new weapon in her arsenal , she says her memory is going. She is hinting she has Alzheimer s but won't say so outright because she 'doesn't want to worry us'. Mom keeps deep dark secrets she had no business keeping to herself because 'she didn't want to worry us'. But when she is enraged and she frequently is, she spits those secrets out of spite in the worst moment. She doesn't keep secrets, she weaponizes information. Every pos she ever dated knows more about my family history than I do. Mom has contempt for her children and we aren't worthy of knowing the truth. My brother is an alcoholic and has been in Prison and mental hospitals. According to mom, who is an expert on anything and everything, he is not really an alcoholic , he is 'doing something else.' My brother is responsible for his own healing , we all are. But I asked her to not offer him a drink during his last visit and she had to think about it( after furiously denying she does this), because my request somehow relates to her fucked up 'relationship' with her husband who is a functioning alcoholic who always offers my brother a drink.

by Anonymousreply 214September 18, 2019 1:17 PM

Some good posts on here.

by Anonymousreply 215November 26, 2019 10:45 PM

Having a uterus doesn't mean you're mother material.

by Anonymousreply 216November 26, 2019 10:53 PM
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