Finding you were excluded from a party, thanks to social media

happens all the time stud sorry

I go in and like the photos.

Happened to me back on Canada Day OP. My sister and BIL had a huge BBQ and apparently everyone was there. I wans't. No matter the age, it does hurt.

R2 is right

Start by making a list.

Fuck 'em. When they try that hard not to include you, truly fuck 'em.

I think blocking on DL is really silly but blocking on Facebook can be very effective. No discussion. Just do it without a word and it will make them crazy when they can't check in on your site.

I once had a acquaintance that I was friends with on FB. I never hung out with him, we had mutual friends and would see each other at bars but that was as far as the acquaintanceship went. He was moving out of state and did a FB invite to his going away party and accidentally included me. He cancelled the invite about three minutes later. I went on his page and told him I had no intention of going even if he'd meant to include me and then unfriended him.

R3, your sister? That does hurt. Has it happened before.? Would she give you an honest answer if you asked her why you weren't invited?

A circle of friends I thought I was close to had a BD dinner for one of them who was visiting from the West Coast. I paid for her ticket here (she's older and has no money), took her out to lunch the previous day and asked if any one of the group (we all know each other from a non-profit we volunteer for ) was having a BD celebration for her- she didn't know. She was staying with two friends of mine, then before her return, was going to stay with me for a few days and I would bring her to the airport. Turns out they had one the next night, across the street from where I work, at a favorite restaurant I frequent - didn't invite me. Posted pics on FB too. Sweet.

R8 it has happened before and she usually says it's because of my BIL who only wants to invite "friends and co-workers" yet his own family will be at the parties.

People, grow some adult self-esteemed, all right?

Who cares? (Rhetorical question)

I found out from Facebook that my best friend from college excluded me from his wedding. We lived only 30 or so minutes away from each other, and 15-20 other college friends and acquaintances flew in from all over the country. It really hurt. Back in the pre-Facebook days I wouldn't have ever known about it. Facebook sucks.

A couple of friends who felt sorry for me invited me for post-reception drinks with some college friends (my former BFF wasn't there). They were also perplexed I wasn't invited.

These days I am actually thrilled when I am not invited to some social obligation bullshit -- but it does suck when someone needs to feel powerful by not inviting someone they know should be part of it. Best to find out early, though, and get out. Too many great people in the world to waste time on assholes. Or shit stirrers, often in these cases trying to drum up some drama.

Some time in the last 12 years or so my little brother got married and I wasn't invited. It didn't matter to me because we hadn't had a functional relationship since we were in our teens 40 years ago. I heard he's divorced from that one.

Yeah, weddings in particular I am very happy not to be invited to. Now I am dealing with Renewal Ceremonies too, yikes. Some "bride" not getting enough attention usually so they have to relive their big day from 20 years before. Hate that silly shit -- unapologetically.

Not everybody is invited to every event, because of space considerations or because the host wants to keep things drama-free. Adults understand this.

I'm so not fun I never get invited to anything.

I think the singular experience that most gay (etc) experience is a sense of rejection by society, family and friends and that's even before you come out of the closet. And then some of your own worst fears are then confirmed once you do actually come out.

My point is, rejection hurts, but it can hurt a lot more if you're a gay man because it beings up all the other painful times you were rejected.

That being said, most people like that are not worth a second thought. exorcise them mind, body and soul. And you (OP) will feel content you don't have someone like that in your life. It takes time and practice.

And in the words of Whitney Houston: 'I'd rather be alone than unhappy'

Good luck everybody!

not being invited is being sent a message. The best one u can then send in turn is to move on and don’t acknowledge the event, or them, ever.

I’m with r13. Happy not to be invited to events. Fortunately the only social obligations I have now are family holidays and birthdays.

R3, in your shoes I would block my sister on social media and avoid her calls, ignore her texts and emails. But I don’t tolerate much anymore. Make your own family.

This probably is because your BIL is uncomfortable with his wife’s gay brother. Your sister is either not willing to rock the boat or agrees with him. Just speculation of course, on my part.

Let's keep it real: People feel slighted when I'm NOT there.

This thread is pissing me off, fuck all of those assholes. I agree with liking the pictures, or better yet react with the sad face emoji just for a laugh.

You guys have some real assholes for friends. You don’t want to know people like that. Punch and delete.

r2 and others: Call me naive (really, you should) but I once didn't get invited to a surprise birthday party and found out on Facebook. As I proceeded to "like" the photos, it never occurred to me that I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE. Here's the clincher. Evidently, the Facebook "friend" who posted the photos was offended by my likes AND BLOCKED ME.

Ah, well. Life goes on. I'm not even on Facebook anymore. The Russians and all that shit.

It does hurt and I'm sorry.

I would counsel don't block 'em. Don't give them the satisfaction if they really did intend to hurt you or don't give them the deflection by letting them make it about what a dick you are. Just ignore it and decline to engage in future.

I agreed with R25. I'll put folks like this on Facebook's limited profile setting and hide them from my news feed, which means we'll stay "friends," but I'll never see their posts unless I go to their profile, and they'll only see my sanitized public posts.

Wow R24, that's when you know they did it deliberately. Those assholes don't deserve you.

OTOH, FB posts once saved my ass: I was invited to a good friend's birthday party and for some reason I had in my head it was the following weekend.

Saw someone post a photo on FB and jumped into the shower -- got there about an hour and a half late but made some excuse about work (I had texted him before I got in the shower) and bought a more expensive bottle of wine than I'd intended, so all was good.

Finally told him about it a few months ago and he said he had assumed I'd picked up some hot guy and that's what had delayed me.

So my sister (BITCH) with whom I shared the old family house got married at it the summer I took a gig out of state. I could have made it back for the occasion. My next door neighbor realized I wasn't told about it and called me. She gave me all the details. So I called the house at a prearranged time so she would answer the phone. She went out to the party and announced loudly that I was on the phone. The first cousin who came to the phone to say hello I asked me why I didn't come and I told her, "I wasn't invited and if it wasn't for Sue I wouldn't have even known about it." Well that cast a pall over the gathering! It was the first time my father knew that I actually wasn't invited or told about it so he rescinded his invitation for them to live indefinitely at the house. They could stay till I came back.

And no, I didn't give them a wedding present.

Uh.... maybe OP they didn't want you. Obviously were wern't invited.

In situations like these there's no point being subtle.

Two of what I considered to be my closest friends from my previous job didn’t invite me to their wedding, and even now when I see them around they always suggest we should hang out.

I nod politely and keep moving.

JFC! What is NOT going on in one's life where one needs such superficial, insincere reinforcement from people who don't care about you?

Whaaaa! They don't like me! Whaaaa! I wasn't invited to the party! Whaaa! I need others' emotional, social reinforcement to qualify life and all it means!

No wonder you're not invited.

I think social media has made it easier to be very aware of who deprioritizes you. And when you see it clearly (not inviting you; not acknowledging your invites) punch and delete and never look back. Too many good people to know. #gowheretheloveis

R33 must be beating off the invitations with a stick. Literally.

This may be the ultimate Datalounge thread.

So many grudges, so many hurt feelings, so many posts where I feel like I'm only getting half the story.

Were any of you not invited to these parties because you're gay?

r27 It's one of those things that I'm able to look back at and laugh. I doubt they can say the same!

r36 What's the other half of your story?

I used to hang out with a group of artists. I ALWAYS went to their opening nights and encouraged them. This went on for ages. One of them had a show coming up and invited me. I was going to to be out of town and told her so, with apologies.

I was removed from the invitation list for the entire group and have never been invited to anything since.

^^ Congratulations, seriously -

It's even worse when they talk about the upcoming event right in front of you. Shitty people.

[quote]My point is, rejection hurts, but it can hurt a lot more if you're a gay man because it beings up all the other painful times you were rejected.

Or the early rejection can give you such a tough skin that you don’t give a damn once you become an adult. Which is not necessarily any better.

Worse to me are the "friends" who like all your social posts but really can't be bothered with you IRL. I stopped liking an old friends post because she made zero effort to call me back etc. She then wrote me a long letter with a ton of different explanations for her behaviour with a call you next week! Five months later no call. People are bizarre.

As I’ve gotten older and have a family, I’m trilled NOT to be invited. I just can’t take small talk with tons of people I don’t know anymore.

I will say, decades ago, one of the most hurtful things that ever happened to be was because of a party- a story I’ve told a few times on DL.

A guy I had a massive crush on invited me to a party at his apartment. I was just of the closet, beginning to navigate the gay world” so this invite was a big deal plus I really, really liked this guy.

Anyhow, I showed up on time with an expensive bottle of wine. He opened the door, saw me, and said, “oh, I forgot I invited you.” I tried to let it pass. I sat in the corner the whole party and left without saying goodbye. It really crushed me for a long time.

Or, you know, maybe you shouldn't have thrown up in the punch bowl at the last party. Or taken that little knick knack you were sure they weren't going to miss. Or made sexual advances to that other guest in front of their spouse.

It's the little things that sometimes count against you. But they can add up.

Meanwhile, for all you know, the host has a "slam book" and you feature prominently in it. Or one of your friends or close associates has an entire section devoted to them in that slam book and you're guilty by association.

In either case, you should really examine the role that social media has in your life. You may find it completely unessential.

R44, you’ve told that story quite a few times now. Snap out of it!

R29 wow. Did she offer any explanation? How did she expect to get away with not inviting her own brother. You were bound to tell people you hadn't been invited even if your Sue hadn't ratted her out.

I wish I had a time machine R44, so you could go back and fuck someone on his bed, while drinking the wine you brought (hopefully spilling a bit if it's red).

R44 My take on the situation--that person was being passive-aggressive. He likely didn't forget he invited you, but was playing games. Passive-aggressive people are so awful and have very complicated motives for the pain and social humiliation they inflict. Most are cowards who try to act like they have no idea when they harm others. I have a lot of this type as co-workers. Sorry this happened to you! I also think a lot of people are using social media in passive-aggressive ways so they can hurt others while claiming to be perfectly innocent and unaware of the pain they cause.

R49 is right. He probably thought putting you in your place (like you were lucky to be there) would have you begging for his favours R44, rather than doing the healthy thing you did and heading for the hills.

R47 Actually I'm a chick. She was my older fat sister who I supported through a long term weight loss program. When she got skinny she went overboard with the screwing around and slutting it up. She brought home some real creeps who compromised my safety. And she got threatened when some of her charming companions want to sleep with me too! Rape attempt type thing. Then she got knocked up. He wasn't too bad but he was a sort of ugly short guy who hated everyone we knew. Then she turned into the repentant Madonna type and painted me as a dangerous slut who should be kept from her precious child. Went republican and denied her two abortions.

I was far from a dangerous slut. She did it because she was insecure. Luckily long term no one bought her bullshit.

It was her baggage not mine.

Try getting cancer and then also getting sober and see the invitations fall off. I never knew or understood if it was my health or getting sober. Sober 5 years and cancer free 7 years now.

Y'all need to get a life.

This shit happens to everyone after a divorce or breakup of any longterm relationship. Its gut-wrenching but human and everyone must go on.

I hate most parties and my having to pretend I’m happy.

Please, please stop inviting me to shit

^^ Just Say, "No."

Why do people have to post pictures of every gathering they attend? I try to avoid it--there's bound to be someone's feelings hurt by being left out.

Recently, I had this big group of friends that experienced a rift due to a fight between a few of the people. I had no beef with any of them and had no desire to break anything off, but one "side" of the fight demanded I fucking "choose a side" like we were in high school. I have since been iced out by that splinter group. I do miss the fun, but not the drama. Even so, I've had to unfollow all of them because I got tired of seeing all their parties and goings on.

I also hate when I'm invited to something that other friends are not invited to. Happened last week. A friend asked if I wanted to go to dinner..which made me realize she wasn't invited to the event of mutual friends I was attending that night. I didn't want to lie to her, because I know she'd find out. She was really hurt they didn't invite her (I can't imagine why she wasn't)..but it wasn't my job to protect the hosts.

I stay off Facebook completely.

My twin’s sister in law posted pics of she and my twin’s family at a bar. They all drove 2 hours from their home, to a bar a mile from my house and didn’t tell me. There’s more to the story as our relationship has been strained for a couple years, but that was a final straw. I now find them, my brother in law in particular, to be so distasteful I dread seeing them. He’s a Deplorable, and has brainwashed my sister and their son.

The host in r44's story sounds uncommonly rude. Must piss all sorts of people off without knowing...

True R41. A graduate school classmate once went on and on to me about all the details of her upcoming lesbian wedding pretty much nonstop for the entire school year before it happened. I wasn't invited, but other classmates were. I wouldn't have normally cared (we weren't close), but it's really obnoxious when someone talks incessantly about their special day and doesn't invite you. I'm sure she felt in solidarity with me because our sexuality but then why not just invite me?

[quote]This probably is because your BIL is uncomfortable with his wife’s gay brother.

R20, thanks for the post. It took me a while to realize but my sister doesn't like me around because I remind her of where she came from.

She's a Real Housewife wannabe and I remind her of her poor roots. She hangs with her husbands wealthy friends and family and I'm the minimum wage earning brother driving an old car and struggling.

She lives in a huge house and I rent a basement apartment. She travels and I've never been on a vacation in my entire life.

She loves her "A-Gays" which I am not.

That is equally heinous r3. I’m sorry your sister is a cunt.

My take on this is that we have evolved (?), perhaps because of social media, to not think through who to invite to special events. Easy to click names and send an invitation. This also applies to the RSVP process, but that is another thread. I'm probably old school when I invite people to a party or event. I take time think about who would or should be invited. We probably all know people (friends, family, acquaintances) who feel they should be invited to every party or event you host. Hopefully I've matured and have my ego in check where I'm okay with not being invited. I can always find something else to do. And yes, I know some friends and family who are not comfortable having a gay man meet their friends. I get that. But it isn't my problem. Hopefully after high school or college we've learned that life isn't a popularity contest.

I have a very dear friend with whom i have had a long relationship - she has gone to the wall for me when I needed it and I will never forget it.

But she is also the sort of person who places no value on mere acquaintanceship and says shockingly rude things to strangers. I host numerous events as part of my work life, including dinners and cocktail gatherings and it became clear to me - once I began to hear about her behavior - that I simply could not continue to invite her to join me, much as I would like to.

I also witnessed an older gay gentleman amuse himself by describing, to a young straight man, exactly what he would like to do to him in bed. Thing is, he had been drinking and I'm sure he thought he was simply being harmlessly (if rather pornographically) amusing.

Not funny. And not invited ever again.

I guess I should be glad for that silly children’s birthday party I had to go to yesterday.

It’s been hell this year. 2 cousins, my sister and 2 best friends all had children within 6 months of each other last year. Only one more to go.

I’m young though. I came out at 15 and My generation doesn’t care so much about the gay thing.

My older gay friends all have families like the posters above. If you’re not a drunken mess of whore then your family sucks for not mentioning it to you.

Larry David has given us all permission to say no to social things we don't want to attend. He was a godsend for me.

r42 That is a possibility for some, but not all.

r52 Congratulations!

r53 Fuck you.

R67 some of us have almost no social invitations to say no to. Outside of periodic family gatherings like a marriage or anniversary, I get invited to nothing. I create a social life to going to events on meetup.com.

-r52- That's appalling, and I am sorry you were treated that way. Hurray for bouncing back. Mazel tov!

When my longterm life partner died 10 years ago, invitations from people I considered close fell off completely. I guess they liked him better! Ha! It was unbelievable, though.

People like R33 come across as defiant and mock those with hearts that break, but in truth he is actually a hopeless, sad, friendless person.

I can only imagine how horrible you are in person, R33.

The same people that exclude you from parties will smile in your face and act like nothing happened the next time they see you.

There's this idea of "not giving them the satisfaction" by blocking them but forget that. Block them. Let them know you won't put up with their shit.

There's no need to stay friends with people who aren't really your friends. You can be someone's friend but not be their own friend. Streamline your life by dumping them.

Also, there's the idea of "courtesy invites." Invite someone to a party you know they don't want to go to or with people who you know they don't like and let them be the one to say they're not attending. Invite them, explain the situation and hope they make they right decision.

My first partner and I were together for almost 17 years. In all that time, I can't even count the number of dinner parties, holidays, birthday celebrations, cook-outs etc. that we hosted. Although sometimes large parties, there was always a smaller circle of 5 or 6 couples (gay and straight) and neighbors that were always included. These are the same people I helped move (some several times), celebrated births, handheld and supported through deaths and illnesses, and I thought I was closer to than my own family. How wrong I was. When we split - not one, and I mean one, invite ever came my way. No phone calls, cards, nothing. I was amazed. It was funny my sister who had been through a divorce told me to expect this - that anyone that was originally a friend of his would drop my cold and she was right. There were a number of parties I was not included in. I understand, at first, it was not an amicable split, and even though people say they will not take sides, they do. But give me a break, not even a fucking hamburger on the grill on some Sunday afternoon? I did get one call from an old neighbor when their kid needed to be tutored in chemistry, but that's about it -

R74, that happened to me when I broke up with a partner too, and we had an amicable split. Even the people who were my friends first drifted off from me. My ex was very outgoing and fun, and it turns out everyone enjoyed her company to my more introverted personality. I don't regret the breakup overall, but several years later I have almost no friends. The only social invites I get are family gatherings.

I just this afternoon ran into the ex who took all the social life with him. Its been over 10 years. At the train station. I'm on my way to birthday party of a very casual acquaintance 2 hours distant! He reeled off endless news about all those former close friends of mine who dropped me dead. All that money, all that love, all that friendship. And my ex going on like I would interested to hear any of it! I should have slapped him.

"What a mistake it was, having friends." - quoted in Ruth Gordon's book though not said by her

Always hated to love that quote but after reading those last three entries (and others on this thread), I am starting to wonder... It is very weird to see how people treat "friends".

(P.S. I hate to say this but I find that this weird ending of friendships is very much either female or gay guys. My straight guy friends NEVER do this and I am still friends with almost all from college years ago. We don't even have spats).

R78 I wouldn't generalize, but I would agree that with the friendships ended, none of them have been my straight male friends. However, it's worth noting that I do not ever experience the level of intimacy, texture, and depth with my straight male friends; nor do I see they do with their male friends. I think the less complicated the less likely you are to hurt one another. For better or worse, I could not be sustained by my straight male friends alone.

I belonged to a gay organization and occasionally went out to dinner with other members. Once I got onto FB I saw that a group with the organization were constantly socializing, mostly around the one "bi" woman in it but I had never been invited. I just unfriended the lot.