Question For Gay Men over 50

Even though he’s in his mid-60s, he’s young enough that there’s something suspect about him having stayed closeted all this time. That suggests he’s harboring a host of other unaddressed, unresolved emotional and psychological issues. Either he’s aware of that but too paralyzed to deal with it. Or he is so habituated to living the way he does that he’ll have little or no willingness to make any changes in his life - no matter how unhappy he is these days.

Before anyone helps him deal with his issues or make any meaningful changes in the way he lives, they’ll first need to gain his trust by spending time with him, nonjudgmentally.

LOL. 0/10. OP smells like shit.

I suspect he is suffering early onset dementia. Probably not related to his being gay, or closeted. BUT being straight and married with children means, for most men, the wife is younger and less likely to have dementia onset at the same time, and the wife and children keep the male oriented, clean the house, give them a sense of routine, insist he bath, she is doing the laundry, cleaning the house, cooking and feeding him. Insisting he go to the doctor. All that support is not there for this man. All of his decline in mental state is evident and feeding upon itself.

Depression.

If he has ED, he probably has a compromise of his vascular system in general; he may have cognitive issues, or feel unwell from other co-morbid conditions. (On the other hand he might be shouting out "I have ED" as a way of denying his gayness, either intrinsic or realized.) Relentless perfectionism devolving into neglect and hoarding is also a thing, but usually it goes with a loss of executive function. His self-neglect would go along with the latter.

Viagra doesn't work for all cases of loss of potency; it is very little help in some cases and conditions. He might have Peyronie's or have a vascular issue that is not manageable with increased blood flow, because the problem involved blood flowing out too rapidly.

r1 they grew up in rural America with an extremely judgemental mother. She had her own issues and was in wheelchair from something a Dr. had done to her. Other Dr's. had said they could fix it but she refused to give up her Dr. so she lived in the chair the rest of her life. Growing up in this area in the time period that he did, being gay was like the kiss of Death. No one here ever told anyone. You just knew or didn't know if a person was gay.

His one sister had a terrible chemical imbalance and suffered terribly until I forced them into sending her to a large Psych facility in a major city where she finally got help in her 40's. She takes meds but is okay today, thankfully.

He knows he can trust them but doesn't want to tell them anything. They were all extremely close at one time because of the way they were raised.

r2 I wasn't going to use that word but that was exactly what she said to me. Everyone here knows everyone else so this person wasn't talking to a stranger.

r3 I will pass that on.

r4 we know he is depressed but why? there are different kinds of depression. I have always had depression but it was always because of my circumstances. If my life had been a little bit better I would not have been depressed. I know this because every once in a while I would get a short break and then it was like emerging from a locked room. As soon as I would start to be happy and think things were finally going well it would all collapse again. So I was depressed.

Depression can be independent of cause - more chemical than situational. And if the sister had issues, there is a likelihood that he is suffering from a chemical imbalance that would most effectively be treated with meds - as well as therapy. But unfortunately, he needs to acknowledge the problem to get help. No matter how loving, no one else can fix him unless he wants to be fixed. The loss of sexual function and absence of desire to fix it is more a symptom than a cause of the depression.

r5 so is there nothing they can do for him? would the psych unit he was in have noted any of these possibilities? One sister did see him when he got out and said she would be happy to take him to any of his follow ups and he told here there were none. She asked him if he was sure because she knew better as she was the one that had had problems earlier but he said, no there were no follow ups.

I have seen people who just gave up on life and they were just waiting to die but he just seems so hopeless and they are beside themselves. If I have to tell them there is nothing they can do to help except to try and visit him I know they will do that.

r8 that makes sense. actually every response makes sense. I am so grateful for all the responses.

Damn controlling to call for a psyche hold because his house was messy

Why is he depressed?

How about because he's a 66 year old closeted gay man living in a small town who likely has no friends, can't score on any of the apps, can't pay for it, can't get it up even if he could, and feels like he's wasted his life?

Any one of those alone.... though as someone upthread said, clinical depression doesn't necessarily have a cause, in fact in most cases it doesn't.

r11 don't be ridiculous. That isn't why they called. It was because he had taken such a drastic turn and wouldn't respond to them. It is killing them watching him decline like this thinking that they should be helping but can't find a way to do it.

r12 I did think of that.

Nice of them to visit and keep him even semi-engaged in life - because I’m sure he would happily avoid contact. Sounds like the sisters heart is in the right place - but there is a line between acceptance and control. Like with an addict, a depressed person needs to know there is hope - but hard at his age to envision new beginnings and getting out and engaging with life.

He was a Felix and now he’s an Oscar.

R13:

That isn’t a legit reason for a 72 hour psyche holding.

r14 one of the problems is that he kept his life so secret that they don't know if he had any friends. They did know about one friend a long time ago which I am going to guess was a partner at the time but they didn't know he was gay then. They have no idea where he is or what happened between them, if anything.

r16 they aren't controlling at all. He is their brother and they want to help him. Is it better if they just desert him and leave him to be by himself?

I also believe that he's suffering from depression. When my parents were alive, helping care for them gave me a sense of purpose. Once I lost them, I lost that. I've been struggling with depression ever since. And it can't be easy to realize that you've largely given up your best chances for intimacy at that point in life. The only advice I can offer is that, if he's willing to admit to the depression, to see if he's open to getting treatment for it. One problem is that, after awhile, trying to dig out of the piled up mess of your life seems overwhelming. Sometimes, you have to get started on cleaning up the physical issues: helping him get his house in order, or getting him to hire someone to help him start making a dent in the housework. Just seeing an improvement, even if it's not a big one, can be motivating to keep pushing forward.

Yeah, because temporarily incarceration and total abandonment are the only options for the harpies!

r19 you have to realize where they are coming from. You have NO idea how my one friend suffer for over 40 years with her disability. But she got help and knew how it had released her. They did what they thought was right at the time. It didn't harm my friend to go into one but made her better and I'm sure that was how they were looking at it. She did say to me that they think now that it was a mistake to do that.

r18 thanks, I am going to suggest to them to offer to help clean his house for him and see if they can get him to do that

r19 and they never for a minute abandoned him.

Now is the time for a psych hold. There is clearly a major problem. Depression and/or dementia.

No reason this thread should be limited to eldergay men.

It sounds like a lot more than depression. More like some form of early dementia. Radical changes in behavior and personality are warning signs.

When it strikes this young, it's often very aggressive and the decline is much more swift than when it occurs at an older age. I had a friend whose mother began showing symptoms of early onset Alzheimer's by her mid-50s, had to be institutionalized by 60, and was dead by her mid-60s.

He's definitely not too young. He should be evaluated by a gerontologist with experience, not just a psychiatrist or psychologist - when all you have is a hammer, you're only looking for nails.

This may sound simplistic, but have the sisters actually apologized to him? Making a kind of formal apology together might help a lot in mending their relationship so he at least begins to be more open and cooperative.

What R12 said. Who WOULDN'T be depressed in his situation? ? He had a neglectful upbringing and a lonely repressed life and is now 66 years old. Also, we're not allowed to say this in our sugar-coated culture, but he is almost 70 and maybe part of this is that he is just ready to die soon.

r23 I'm not sure they can do that.

r24 the only reason I asked for "elderly" was because I thought they may relate better but you are right.

r25 will suggest that too

r26 I never asked if they had apologized but I will and will suggest they do so.

I have decided to read all of the responses to one of the sisters and hope this will give them better insight and a direction they can go in. Sometimes life is so hard and the only way you can get help is to ask others and thankfully they respond.

-100/10

Sure is easy to get a psych commitment in some parts of Datalounge.

This all sounds like an opera.

That never saw the light of day.

Mom staying in a wheelchair is evidence of control issues. Sisters probably played along gleefully, even wringing their hands and praying for her. Now that she’s gone they need another “project”.

Separately he probably could use professional help but locking him up was out of line and they should feel lucky he doesn’t have the energy or resources to sue the living crap out of them.

Co-dependent fraus. Stick around a bit and you’ll understand what that means. And why he doesn’t want to deal with them.

the sisters did not play along gleefully. They were pretty miserable because their mother was a miserable person. They interacted only what they felt was obligatory. I can assure you this is not a "project". Geez did you ever watch someone you loved suffer and then just walk away saying, Oh well.

They didn't lock him up. They called the police because they were afraid he was going to hurt himself. They didn't know what else to do. They still don't which is why they asked me and why I am asking you.

Have these 'sisters' told the brother they now know he is gay? I think I hate them

r33 no. they figured since he didn't tell them, they should just let it be. I also don't think they would know how to approach it and what the purpose would be. I did ask if she thought he knew that they knew and she said she didn't know. But my gut tells me he does know that they know.

why would you hate them?

Depression and/or early onset dementia, and probably both. A 72 hour psych hold isn't going to deal with either issue, under those circumstances they're only going to determine if he's a danger to himself and others, and if he's capable of feeding and housing himself (whether he's "gravely disabled").

Sadly he can't be forced to see a doctor for these kind of changes, at least not until the point where his house becomes an active health hazard. And even then there are no good legal options, there aren't good legal public options for dealing with the mentally ill. There never were, in this country.

r35 and where we live there's really nothing. They went to the area on aging agency and they offered them absolutely nothing. I figured the 3 day thing was to determine if he was dangerous. Even if they could just get him and his house cleaned up. He can afford to have someone come in and clean because he has a good pension. IF they can get him to agree to it.

Why are they so obsessed with changing his situation? If he’s ok with it and not harming any children or pets in the process it’s none of your, sorry, “their” business. I’ll say it again, they need to find another “project” - maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen.

OP Are you a woman?

From the OP

[quote]I usually have some insight into problems but I am at a loss on this as I am female and straight.

r37 he is kind of harming himself, no? he no longer cooks and only eats out. If people won't let him eat in their restaurants or even come in is he going to stop eating? If he isn't taking care of himself or his living conditions I would say that is harmful to him. Again I ask, have you ever watched a loved on and relative suffer and walk away and say oh well, none of my business. Is that how you would treat someone you cared about and loved?

OP Instead of you and his emotionally fucked sisters running around talking about him behind his back why not try acting like adults and talk to his face? Adult up for fucks sake

I came out to my sister in my early 40s.

r41 what is your problem? I came here looking for help, not criticism. They Will speak to him face to face but needed to know what they might be dealing with first since what they have tried hasn't worked. There have been many helpful suggestions and as I said I will let them know all of them. Criticizing this problem AND my friends is of no help at all and I am not sure what you are getting out of it.

r42 did she figure it out already or was she surprised? did she support you?

R43 Gee, first time you have been told to behave like an adult with respect for someone? Imagine how much of a better person you could have been if you had been told to grow the fuck up 30 years ago?

At first she refused to believe it but eventually accepted it. Then she met me in a gay bar, and converted one. She was really proud of herself for that.

That Clayton was one good looking guy.

r45 well at least she accepted it. I have never understood the concept of wanting to convert someone to being what they think they should be.

^ Well, my sister Blanche was irresistible to men. We had a lot in common.

r48 lol

Dementia and/or depression. Cognitive decline. Being closeted, per se, doesn't cause poor hygiene for heaven's sake. There is no causal factor between being a sloppy housekeeper or extremely disorganized and being gay. If the fellow USED to be neat and organized and this has dramatically changed, then there is a medical reason. If the guy is still self-sufficient, though, overall, then there is really not much the sisters can do. Getting a court to order a guardianship is hard without clear medical need. If the guy is a danger to himself or others, then there might be something a judge would do. If he is depressed, then the sisters can talk to him and perhaps get him to seek out some therapy or medical help. Maybe anti-depressants.

I am sure a lifetime in the closet is a factor in his depression, too. Of course. The closet kills.

r50 thanks. sorry, didn't mean to imply that being gay had anything to do with him having poor hygiene. I was thinking more along the lines of why he may have been depressed which caused the poor hygiene.

OP is clearly a troll or a tard (most likely both)

Every time someone points out that committing someone for declining hygiene or suggesting eating his meals out means he’s harming himself are unreasonable reactions, she starts screeching about:

Haven’t you ever seen a loved one struggle? Did you just wash your hands and walk away?

Hey tard OP:

There are miles of real estate between histrionic decision making and washing your hands of a loved one.

Why don’t you take the advice of R41 and grow the fuck up and try working with this poor guy in a reasonable manner to improve his surroundings.

Useful help would require to

- accept others are different from you, sorry, your friends and they don’t all aspire to your likely messed up illusion of a perfect life #blessed #family #vomit - accept others are entitled to making their own decisions - let your brother, sorry, your friend’s brother know you love him unconditionally - actually do that for a change - let him know you’re there to help if there’s anything going on that you’re, I mean your friends, are not aware of - stop using words like “you need to” and “you have to” and “you should” - rather than barge in with your own half-baked solution to a problem you don’t understand, how about listening for a change, but don’t be surprised at first if he doesn’t open up because a long history of all of the above

Sounds very much like early Alzheimers. Wow...how are you suppose to deal with that if he can not or will not hire a caregiver. He should be committed to an Alzheimers unit.