Someone is gay-stalking an annoying straight colleague

I've been where you are OP. It absolutely sucks. Hot guy I used to work with started getting harassed on social media by some guy who wanted pics of him or something and everyone thought it was me because I was out.

I would talk to him personally about it and tell him its not you and it sucks this is happening to him. But not much more you can do. It's a shitty situation

[quote] I've been where you are OP. It absolutely sucks. Hot guy I used to work with started getting harassed on social media by some guy who wanted pics of him or something and everyone thought it was me because I was out.

One of the perils of being out at work.

Maybe he's doing it to himself?

Hate gays.

R4 It's not "hating gays" to not support harassment. I actually tend be more critical to straight guys who do this shit to women

Ok, I hate to admit this, but I'm not as good a person as you are, R5. If this weren't having consequences for me, I would fully endorse harassing this guy. He's abominable.

Actually I don't know for 100% certain that people think it's me. It might all be paranoia on my part. But I'm pretty sure, when someone from his department is in my office and closes my door and tells me about the latest gay mag or whatever he got in the mail and then looks at me closely for my reaction. (Which happened yesterday, and the woman who did it is someone I like and respect.)

It's you, though, isn't it OP? C'mon ... you can tell your DL friends.

R7 should have been R1.

Speak out about how you're insulted by it because sending this stuff implies there's something wrong with being gay. So obviously the one sending it is homophobic.

Then go in the bathroom and laugh your ass off.

[quote]But lately someone has been bombarding him with gay literature and so on, at his work address, in his e-mail, on his car (he has a monthy spot in a nearby garage where lots of people we work with also have a regular reservation). But according to him, it's only going to his work address and work e-mail.

If, as you say, according to him, it's only going to his work address and work e-mail, then how do you know it goes beyond that?

I also think it's you.

gay-stalking?

i.e. stalking?

*eyeroll*

Also, based on R6, I'd say that you shoudn't trust your colleagues as far as you can throw them.

Oops didn't read your comment OP

Shit on his desk. That builds distance between you and the gay stalker.

Or do this:

"Someone in the office is sending this guy gay magazines apparantly, do you know who it is because it's a little bit much at this point, EVEN FOR ME. "

And just bring it up and play the gay card and take a self depreciating hit and then the rest of the office will figure it out for you.

That's good advice, r1. I'll consider it!

[quote]If, as you say, according to him, it's only going to his work address and work e-mail, then how do you know it goes beyond that?

What?

If you're buddy-buddy with anyone in management then mention it to them.

And the reason why people are being "weird" when conversing with you is because the "target" is the one who has suggested that it may be you who is doing it--he knows he treats you like shit, so you're the first person that he thinks of--or it's just the gay thing.

I wouldn't talk to him. I would talk to someone else and let it get to him via word of mouth because if you say it to him he's not going to trust you; you need to say it to someone that he thinks that you trust.

Find another job, op. I know that’s annoying but are you being isolated from the team?

Don't quit your job over this nonsense.

Maybe someone in the office hates you both and is trying to kill two birds with one stone.

How generic and obvious are these publications, OP?

If op gets freezes out, that’s no place to work.

Freezed

To send that kind of literature to a straight guy smacks of homophobia. Why would they suspect you? Am I missing something?

[quote]Maybe someone in the office hates you both and is trying to kill two birds with one stone.

What I was thinking too. Trying to get him fired or make it so unbareable, he quits.

A guy is doing it for sure. Not a chick.

This seems man-ish.

This seems.... like something a turd in I.T. would do. Something they can do from their computer in the office--they have access to all of his work addresses, know all of the areas... I guess anyone could do it now, but it seems like a bitter homophobic IT nerd would be the culprit.

Is this guy an asshole to anyone in the IT dept?

It will also be a person who is used to using the company's shipping addresses in order to receive packages if they aren't thinking twice about doing it.

Go to HR. Indicate that you are appalled someone would do this to your co-worker, Ask how they are going to put an end to it. Telling them that you are also concerned that as a out and proud gay man that you feel harassed yourself as if you were he cause, Perhaps sensitivity training is needed

Best defense.

If you really aren't the one doing it, you need to go on offense or YOU will be the one who suffers because the company will "take action" to prevent the other guy from making claims against them. They will punish YOU to protect themselves.

What you need to do first is go to HR and say that YOU feel threatened by what's happening to the other guy and YOU feel harassed because people are making comments about your being gay.

But, it's a tough call and could backfire. Just remember that the #1 priority for the company and all the managers and executives is to protect the company (and their jobs). If they need to throw you under the bus, they will in a heartbeat.

I think going through a senior level contact and going to HR after they suggest it would be better because you explained the situation to a hopefully trusted party and then only went to HR after they suggested it which displaces accountability to the senior member and makes you look less suspect.... possibly?

Do you KNOW anyone in the H/R or accounting (pseudo h/r) departments?

Actually, do you KNOW anyone at work or do you just work with them. Because if it's the latter case you're basically just going to have to go to HR.

I think it’s over, op. Indeed.com is the best job search.

You don't need to quit your job over this, and honestly, if this is his straight female coworker, please stop saying "gay stalking".

It's just STALKING.

I think OP uses the term gay stalking because the magazines and stuff sent to him are gay themed. Not because a gay person could be doing it. After all OP doesn't know who is doing it

Why are they sending the straight guy gay publications? Is he a closet case?

Agree with R29 and R30. Other than going to HR and tell them that you feel harassed by the situation, don't do anything phony or conspicuous. Even though any idiot can see this is the work of a homophobe, acting out of character is going to make you look guilty.

Op if your colleague was feeling harassed by these emails then he would’ve gone to HR himself no doubt. So is there already an ongoing internal investigation by HR? If you didn’t have anything to do with this. Then you need to talk with HR if even a single co-worker has spoken to you mading any accusatory remarks about you being the culprit. It’s your best defense if you’re innocent and it will save your job because you too would be seen as a victim. But you being so obviously nervous about the situation is the reason you appear guilty by your co-workers.

It must be someone north of 60 if they are sending magazine subscriptions

[quote]he knows he treats you like shit,

He doesn't exactly treat me like shit, it's more that he's a complete asshole. And he does it to everyone.

[quote]To send that kind of literature to a straight guy smacks of homophobia. Why would they suspect you? Am I missing something?

You and I know that it's homophobia, but most straight people are completely clueless as to that fact.

Never mind guys, I figured it out. It was me but just one of my other personalities. Thnx for the support!

r39, I am straight and said that it is homophobic. Teenage boys might not realize it's homophobia, but straight people do. I agree with the others that you should go to HR and report it as harassment. It is not ok in any universe for people to be doing that, regardless of your sexual orientation. I can't believe your work "friends" insinuate that you are responsible. It sounds like a really fucked up workplace.

You explain to the victim and HR and anybody else listening that since you're out, you don't need to sneak around playing secret crush like an 8th grader. This is an activity that closet cases participate in.

Can we get an update, OP? Did they ever catch “some Puerto Rican guy” who was responsible?

I think you need to get Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys on the case, especially the really hot Hardy Boy...

[quote] It must be someone north of 60 if they are sending magazine subscriptions

Magazines and printed travel literature is SO much more effective as harassment than emails since physical mail may be distributed by office support staff.

He’s getting to many International Male catalogs?

Maybe all you bitches should try getting a little WORK done around here as opposed to getting caught up in all your dreary little soap operas.

It’s a coworker who is watching him receive these deliveries and watching his reactions.

I still think OP doth protest too much.

Oh goody, another corporate office filled with stupidity and nonsense and bullshit.

Greatest economy in world history. Yay.

This happened to me in high school. A guy I went to school with there was the culprit. They used his handwriting to determine he was filling out the subscription card (remember those?). He got arrested and had to do community service. We were 16. Funny thing was, even though we didn't interact much, I thought he had the hottest ass and I wanted to fuck him so bad.

It was the least he could have done, after all that nonsense, r51.

“Ladies! Listen! I am not the culprit. As a gay man, I have stalked and seduced many a supposed straight man, and that is NOT how we do it!”

He probably liked me and I didn't realize it, R52. He was handsome but definitely off kilter socially, which is probably why I instinctively avoided him. I'm having flashbacks. All kinds of magazines and catalogs, not all gay. But I got the Advocate and copies of International Male - that's how I found out about that catalog. And Playgirl. I could tell my mom liked looking at the men in IM and Playgirl. His ass was round and stuck out, but he had a stocky fireplug build. That ass.