My husband wants an open relationship

It's called a divorce; can't get more open than that.

Good luck

This will end in breaking up. Prepare yourself.

I am think open relationships are fine, but BOTH parties have the be on the same page and want an open relationship.

If this is real, it will end in tears.

The elder gay spinsters LOVE these threads.

Its entirely between the 2. It could work. If you do nothing, the relationship is dead. He will cheat anyway. Its now a fait accompli. My suggestion is accept the LEAST amount of rules you an be comfortable with. The less you know, the better. Maybe that won't sit with you.

OR you can open it up and make rules like I did:

1. Don't bring guys home period.

2. I do not do three ways.

3. Don't tell me about what you did.

4. Use condoms when fucking outside of the relationship.

AND this is what happened-

1. I came home one night to find some drunk twink on my couch- I kicked them both out.

2. I was sleeping and late night I feel a lot of movement in the bed, I look over and he's fucking some dude next to me!- I kicked them both out.

3. He posted on Instagram pics of him and his tricks calling them "friends"

4. He didn't use condoms and he passed me chlamydia- I kicked him out for good.

Ran into him a few weeks ago and he is with a 26 year old who is bleeding him dry, quit his job to go back to school and my ex is paying for it. He looks old and tired.

Meanwhile, I look great and am living my best single life.

DUMP HIM, OPEN RELATIONSHIPS DON"T WORK

You have to have some extremely frank and honest discussions over this, and although you don't seem horrified by the prospect you have to let him know what the dealbreakers are. Do you need him to tell you everything he does, or do you not want to know? If you come home and find the marital bed used, will you throw a fit? Do you want to do some exploring of your own, and how does he feel about that?

Some people do make open relationships work, but still, make sure you have a bank account of your own.

Why no sex? I mean, that’s a red flag in any relationship, homo or hetero. Usually if you start to dig, there are festering resentments and hurts. I think you should get couples therapy. Even if things are great but one if you has low T and the other is a horndog...get therapy to navigate this. There is a 100% chance this “experiment” will end in divorce if you can’t recognize and work on the WHY. Why why why the lack of physical intimacy?

re: R7's rules But 10 years ago:

OR you can open it up and make rules like I did:

1. Don't bring guys home period.

2. I do not do three ways.

3. Don't tell me about what you did.

4. Use condoms when fucking outside of the relationship.

He got into party drugs. He passed out a number of times, got raped a number of times, got HIV.

Would never put up with it. As time goes on, you're not hot for each other and needing to have sex all the time. You masturbate a lot. The way you express intimacy on a daily basis changes and in a lot of ways is better. And you occasionally have great sex. Yeah, I'm in my 50's but I was a whore in my 20's. I have great memories of then but wouldn't trade 25 years of now for anything.

R7 has a wonderful fantasy life.

[R12] Nope, just happy to be rid of a coke and sex addicted narcissist who was keeping me down. I put up with a lot, because i thought I had to.

What R7 said.

I echo R9. Why no sex, OP? My ex and I navigated different sexual desires. He was once a week, I could do 2-3 times a day. We settled on about 3-4 times a week. We broke up for other reasons, but right up until the end and even for a while afterward, we still had sex. I do think sex is important, although not the end-all, be-all of a relationship. My current partner and I are in our 50s and do it two to four times a week, sometimes twice in one day on the weekend. We always make time for sex.

[quote]I was sleeping and late night I feel a lot of movement in the bed, I look over and he's fucking some dude next to me!- I kicked them both out.

Wow.

Madame Fortuna sees all: He is eyeing a twink at work (or god-forbid the grocer's)... he won't get the sex he expects....you do....he will become jealous....

[QUOTE]Why no sex, OP?

Maybe he just doesn’t like it that often? Some bottoms can only take so much.

He will eventually resent you for not being as enthused about (or as in need of) being open. You probably will never fully accept it either and will end up resenting him. So your years together come down to considering this: who is better equipped to move on after a divorce, OP -- you or him?

Some open relationships can work (maybe).

But once you decide to open it up - it's usually the beginning of the end of the relationship....

How about 6 months open 6 months closed cycle. That would nip affective relationships in the bud.

Oh please, R21. A man in lust isn't going to end things because the husband sets a deadline! He's going to cheat, and resent the husband for failing to understand his needs.

In the end sex is nothing but a grunt and a squirt. Let him fuck around OP. Be thankful you have someone to share the mortgage payments with.

Taking a major step like this usually requires a shrink i know a lot of guys in open relationship s with varyng sets of rules.

The ones that talk about their hook ups and laugh when around their partners are dick wilters. Not for me, but whatever works for others is good.

You are headed for divorce. save yourself the humiliations R7 went thru...end it, hun.

R23 yes all fun and squirts until the ONE catches your heart. The fact of the matter is, open relationships work for 2 sex pigs who are in love with each other. The don't work for a couple that isn't fucking because of some affective dysfunction. One of the partners is going to get attached to regular side piece. Passionately attached. And remember what that feels like. Sex pigs are perfectly happy to fuck and walk away, back home to hubby, clean the toilet, cuddle at night, and go the inlaws for Easter. etc.

So many church ladies on DL today.

R23 = the husband's twink, on the prowl for some daddy money. And always keeping his own options open.

Did you get fat, OP?

My married fuck buddy and his husband invited me to a Memorial Day bbq at their house. Apparently they’ve only recently opened up their marriage and I have not met the husband yet. Hopefully there’s lots of booze to help out with the inevitable awkwardness.

That is gross and do NOT go if you want your fucks to remain hot with that guy.

Open can be fun fun fun!

I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm not going to cast judgment on the people who make it work. When my (now-ex) partner and I met, we were pretty much in agreement with 'the rules', and if he had wanted to change them (or, for that matter, if I did), I would want the dignity to simply end things as amicably as possible. My ex and I have been separated for a long time, but he's still my best friend. We didn't even part on that issue, so we both can look each other in the eyes and know we never violated the 'terms' of our relationship when we were together. I'm a Scorpio: the idea of the man I love having sex with someone else makes me furious and queasy, and would keep me awake at night, just imagining it. I know there are other guys who would be turned on by those kinds of thoughts: good for you, I guess, but there is a huge variation in how some of us respond.

HIV poz people are all open it seems. Less so my neg couple friends.

Well it seems wrong because I know 2 sero-discordant couples that are monogamous and they aren't even sex pigs and never were.

So what percentage or partnered, married, committed gay men cheat? While conveniently avoiding the discussion of opening up the relationship.

I was with a partner for 9 years. At about year 5 he got into an excellent grad school program not far from nyc by train. But it did mean that he would be there and i would remain in nyc and we'd see each other on weekends, breaks, etc. At that point in our relationship our sex life had shifted focus and was not as strong or as present. However, everything else in the relationship had continued to get stronger and more connected. So we talked it through. And we decided to open the perimeters of the relationship. Our rules were that we never played together with anyone. Ever. No matter what. That it stayed separate from our life together. Meaning you never brought anyone home. Or stayed out somewhere else if we were together. And that if we found any part of our own relationship was changing because of this--either by falling in love with someone else, or feeling intensely jealous or angry at each other because of what was happening--we had to come to the other person and talk it through together. No matter how hard or uncomfortable that might be. And go from there. I can genuinely say that it worked between us. We did break up about 4 years later, but it was not because of opening up the relationship. Nor were those 4 years more troubled or strained because we'd opened up the relationship. Our time together as partners had run its course is all. We broke up very much as friends. And have still remained good friends for many years now. But it worked for us very specifically. It doesn't work for everyone. And it might not have worked for me with a different person even with those exact same boundaries in place. It did work with us though. So i think its a very individual decision and issue between each couple. Don't let anyone else say your relationship will or will not work because of this or that reason. Relationships deal with very personal and specific things for each person individually. And those dynamics specifically between those two people. General rules, judgements and/or even traditions don't always apply.

cheat 1x a year? 75%. Cheat regularly - 50%. But factor in AGE and attractiveness.

IMO, Tops should be allowed to sleep around, but bottoms should not, unless they have their Top's approval. I know some of you won't like that opinion, but it's worked for hundreds of years.

It's all academic now because I just found out that he has already cheated on me with a good friend of ours who has recently split with his partner. I think he wants to open the marriage to bring this guy in. I can't see that working.

R40= OP btw

He wants a thruple? Is he nuts? Completely self involved.

Hon, if he's asking to open up the relationship it's pretty well a given that he did that a couple of years ago, he just forgot to tell you then.

I know this will get lost in all the responses, but sometimes, when I’m home alone, I go to the backyard, cover myself with dirt, and pretend I’m a carrot.

I live in a different reality I guess. The idea and reality of an open relationship is inherent in my view of sexuality. Has worked for 20 years. Love, passion and affection can coexist with freedom.

smell her

Sex once a month? Omg no wonder some people prefer bathhouses. How did you manage to go like this for 15 years?

R33 Yup if I don't feel like bloody murder at the idea of my partner fucking someone else, I don't really feel anything for them anymore so who needs the relationship?

If you want to be in a committed relationship, you have to be committed to having sex with your partner at least twice a week. It keeps the relationship fresh, it keeps the two of you close to one another, and it keeps your husband out of the bath houses. This is non-negotiable.

If my husband only pleasured me twice a week, _I_'d be going to the bath houses.

Get a divorce, be nice to each other. Get your dick fucking wet!

As with all relationships, open ones can work depending on the people involved and what they want out of the relationship and each other. I don't necessarily believe that it means the end of a relationship - especially if one partner is unwilling or unable to satisfy certain sexual desires - I'm not doing pony play, furby, or changing some guy's diapers while he pretend to be a baby. Also, if one partner unilaterally decides that sex is no longer a part of the relationship, you'd have to make some concessions.

DL hates Dan Savage, but he does have some very specific points regarding open relationships. You may want to read up on some of his past articles on the subject. He claims to be in one that seems to work for him.

That said, it wouldn't work for me, not because I care much about sexual monogamy. Rather, when I think about the mindset behind such a request - and specifically the idea that the other person is "missing out" on something by not screwing around - I realize that that is not the type of person with whom I want to be in a relationship. For many of these people, it will inevitably end in their "falling in love" with some trick they met. I'd rather just cut bait now and save myself the hassle. I certainly don't want to be a bank funding some trick's lifestyle before the inevitable bomb is dropped that my partner is dumping me for him.

Alienation of affection - people have been sued for it.

I love my open relationship.

Those in open relationships, how does yours work? Do you go out separately? Do you talk about your hook ups together? Do you run into hook ups when you're out with your husband and avoid them?

I was in an open relationship where we only played together. We had the occasional threesome or hook up with another couple. It worked fine for the two of us.

There is no one size fits all, it really depends on the two people in the relationship.

The ignorance displayed by some of the posters here is astonishing.

The most important things to do is to communicate to your husband that appreciate his honesty and that you want his basic needs to be met. But before either of you agree to anything, it’s important that you both do a little bit of self education on the subject before you agree to any rules and parameters. And then do your research.

Find a few books on the subject of Gay men and open relationships. Listen to Dan Savages podcast.—together preferably. Do a few sessions with a couples counselor that has particular expertise working with gay couples in open relationships. This could be an ongoing thing or maybe you just do three sessions.

If he loves you and is interested in preserving the marriage, he will be willing to wait and willing to do the work necessary for you both to figure out how these things can work, what tools are out there to help you navigate this successfully. If he is not willing to do any of that and not willing to wait, he does not care about your needs and in that case it is time to speak to a divorce lawyer. But I think the priority is to make sure that you speak to a couples counselor together because a lot of people are totally fucking clueless when it comes to how this stuff works. As evidenced by some of the Respondents

Oh honey, you have sex once a month and he already has a side piece?

If you agree to just open things up now, on his terms, with the side piece okayed, it's all over but the accounting. Letting him have a "mistress" only works if he has a very strong reason to stay with you other than sex, such as children or your personal fortune.

So, you need to make up your mind whether you want to salvage the relationship. That won't be a simple matter, since he's already demonstrated a lack of honesty and commitment, but if you get couples counseling, and both of you are honest about your feelings and needs, and you can get your sex life going again, there's a possibility.

Gore Vidal and many gay couples have for decades helped shape the idea of a non-marriage gay relationship based on experience. None came to the conclusion that a perpetually monogamous relationship was ideal. And my 30 years as a gay man have convinced me. Not sure where the Mongoamy Marys come from.

Comparatively few respondents have pushed monogamy, R58.

But really, saying "I've been cheating on you and I want you to say you're okay with it" is no way to establish a functional, fair, and long-lasting open relationship.

Well non-monogamy has worked for me. And I’m in love for 20 years.

OP in 6 months there will be a new reveal to really fuck you up. "I don't want to hurt you but I know I am going to because I am in love with Bill. I really need his love and sex to fix me but listen I don't want to break up with you I just want a pause and we still live together and don't tell anyone there is a pause. Bill is ______ (in the closet, or married to man, or hooked up with a guy he can't tell yet) and that just what I need now. So are you OK with that? I still love you but I love Bill more right now. So lets just pretend all things are business as usual, OK?"

I could never deal with an open relationship. I rarely meet anyone I even want to have sex with. If I were in an open relationship, it would be a unilateral open relationship. But I’d only do that for someone I really wanted to be with or to keep in a relationship. There’s nothing a bigger turn off to me in the bedroom then the idea that the guy I’m with sleeps around and might have STDs.

I’m assuming a small sub population of re-posters given repetitiveness and screechiness.

I calmed down and we talked again. He wants to meet the other guy in a hotel one evening a fortnight and have sex there, then come home to me after work the next day. He only wants sex with this one man at the moment and I'll never have to see them.

He asked me if I intended to have sex with anyone but I haven't much interest. I find myself apathetic about this and life in general. I'm going to organise a scuba diving holiday without him as he doesn't like boats and the prospect of that is keeping me going.

.

doormat

Why were you stupid enough to get married? That is for the straights. Let them suffer.

We did it OP. So far it’s worked for 9 years. The first 5 we were monogamous, but we were still attracted to other men.

We have rules. Don’t bring anyone home, no sleeping with mutual friends, no barebacking, be discreet, etc. We don’t do threeways as we both feel it could spark jealousy. We’d both rather have our fun away from each other, which makes it feel even more like a personal indulgence (“me” time!) and not another “relationship activity.”

Despite that, we do talk about our trysts sometimes, because I think we both get off on the idea that the other is hot and desirable, and also because it’s reassuring that we are both following the rules, enjoying ourselves, and being honest and respectful about it. We’ve always been honest with one another, and open to talking if one or both of us feels uncomfortable or unhappy about something. So far our separate, extra-marital sexual fun has worked out well for both of us.

R67

Get there to a marriage counselor.

I agree with R69. Go see a counselor.

Your husband should just divorce your sorry ass, OP. If you have no interest in sex and only have sex with your husband once a month, you really have already checked out of this relationship and this marriage. It is not your husband's job to carry you or provide a safe cocoon for you to hide in. Get yourself to therapy. If you won't do that, then just move.

OP - if he's seeing the SAME guy supposedly once a fortnight, then he's cheating on you. First, it's not just once every 2 weeks. Second, he's seeing the same man over and over.

He's testing the waters with the new guy and then if it works out, he will dump you. This isnt an open relationship - this is your husband getting a free pass to test out new relationships.

It's over - and your husband is a dishonest asshole. But you're also a doormat.

[quote]We have rules. Don’t bring anyone home, no sleeping with mutual friends, no barebacking, be discreet, etc.

That's just not realistic, sis. I can assure you he's barebacked with other guys. If a hot guy says he's on prep, or just horny, and wants to bareback, your hubby is not going to turn him down. Rules mean nothing when a horny guy needs to get off.

Donna Reed believed in monogamy and therefore so should you.

If Mary OP truly believes that her husband has porked only her for the past five years then she needs to seek help.......

Is it really a "sex life" when all you're doing is mutual masturbation?

OP, did you gain weight? Serious question.

R77 He did alot. I hasn't much

Make your safe word "Sissyboodles". It'll come in handy when you're in the sling at a gangbang.

Those who choose open relationships are sick hypocritical indifferent non-human unkind scum!

Again - where do all of these Monogamy Marys come from!?!? This has to be an obsessed ex-husband or frau who was ditched and blames an open relationship. Open relationships are the NORM for most of my friends in NYC who have long term partners. Where in the world do you virginal, sexually pure, Leave it to Beaver types live? Or maybe the question is to one poster - what did he do to you? And do you regret ending it because his dick touched another human being because he got tired of your judgmental, high maintenance prissiness?

I never understood the concept of an open relationship. Your either in a relationship or your not.

R82, there's more to relationships than sex. These guys share a home and a lifestyle, decades of private jokes and memories. You don't just throw all that away because someone doesn't want to have sex.

R82 Same here. If you simply live together but fuck other people, you are roommates not partners.

R56 Couple counsellors just make money off people desperate to save a ruined relationship. That stuff doesn't work. If you are out of love and want to fuck other people, then that's it, finita.

R67 You know I was always curious, when two people are at a point when being together is some sort of chore-like activity, what's keeping them together? Why come back to each other at all, if being with others is fun and joy unlike being with each other?

R81 What's the point of a long term relationship with a person who doesn't provide enough sex or good enough sex so that I am forced to seek it some place else? I spend time and attention on this person while I'm receiving what exactly?

That's what puzzles me about open relationships. Why not keep this person as a fuck buddy among other buddies if they are unable to be one and only? Is it their money that's supposed to make them special?

Per Ann Landers, are you better off with him or better off without him, OP?

R81 I'm not that person but hell after throwing the biggest insult possible at someone (offering your partner to open up your relationship is the same as saying "you are so bad in bed even my feelings for you can't overcome your total failure as a lover"), are you surprised he ended it?

I'd literally end the relationship the moment my husband offered to open it up. That's not the kind of blow my pride can forgive.

R89, it’s just all about YOU and your pride. I bet you’re a lousy lay; selfish, self centered people are.

“ I find myself apathetic about this and life in general.” -OP Well no wonder you have no sex drive, sweetheart, you gots the blues! Do you realize that you are depressed?

I am depressed and anxious too and have started on Xanax.

Even though my open relationship experiment was a wild and hilarious failure, I'd do it again, because it's realistic. Guys get sexually bored. They may appreciate their partner and want to remain in a loyal alliance with him. But they want to get laid. So long as the other aspects of the relationship are solid and you can communicate and have mutual respect, I think you can open things up. But I will say, having observed others, jealousy is a common problem.

As a single person, I don't get with guys in open relationships unless it's clearly going to be a one-time deal, because I know they aren't available, and because I know their partners are likely to get weird if I stick around.

A couple things I've noticed about open relationships:

* one person wants it; the other agrees to go along with it, often reluctantly.

* one person sets the boundaries; the other person pushes the boundaries (or violates them.)

I guess it works for some couples but for most it ends badly.

One hopes that there are separate bank accounts.

Why bother with a "relationship" if you don't want to be in the relationship. Gays, don't get married.

R92, xanax is a trap. Get on an SSRI.

Don't get married. You might end up with someone like r81.

How does one realize before the fact that one is marrying a whore like R81? It's not likely to come up when one is in the throes of lust, yet it's all you know as you're throwing the bum out five years later.

I am NOT a whore! I'm liberated and a free spirit. You have no right to judge me. Nobody has the right to judge me. Mama judged me. SHE HAD NO RIGHT! So don't do that. Please. Please?

r99, spell the name of the generation that comes between Gen X and Centennial.

OP's husband got tired of her mushroomed GrandCanyon and decided to look for fresher holes!

[quote]R8 Some people do make open relationships work, but still, make sure you have a bank account of your own.

It worked well for that gay couple in Houston, I hear.

[quote]R64 OP: I find myself apathetic about this and life in general.

Gee, it's so hard to understand why someone would want MORE...

I've seen it work but all three times both partners were highly sexed and liked playing together. They saw sex as a fun activity but were very much in love with each other. I'm not sure I could see it working if they were sneaking around and not telling each other. I guess it depends on how you feel about sex. If you see it as a sacred connection than you're screwed. If you see it like a fun sport, you'll have easier time of it. I think you need the ability to see sex and live as not connected.

R104 Sorry, sex and LOVE as not connected.

So let me get this straight - he started seeing someone else on the regular behind your back and wants to call your marriage now an 'open' relationship?

And he asked you if you were going to see someone else in order to shift the blame and guilt that he has.

Sorry - this is beyond fucked up. OP - are you still there? Please post back.

[quote]mushroomed GrandCanyon

Say WHAT?

I don't like people who set up their next relationship while shitting on their current one. Very casual fuck buddies is not that. And as I said, some people have the clarity and disposition to fuck others yet stay emotionally and physically present with their partners. Most people do not. And most people indeed DO shit on their current partner to try out new partners and really make sure its worth it before dumping the current the one. Gay and Straight.

OP is a cuckold doormat.

R81 is the typical disgraceful sex addict we get on DL. Most of your LTR friends in NY are in open relationships because of the price of housing and the inability to afford living on their own.

Sorry - but that's most likely the case. And it has nothing to do with being sex-negative or any other insult you hurl at people who disagree with you.

Well, to paraphrase Mary Haines’s sage mother, Mrs. Moorehead in “The Women”:

OP, don’t confide in DL for advice. The gay guys here will make sure you lose your husband and your home. I know my tribe, dear.

Fine. Open the door and tell him to go find a relationship.

He. Must. Pay.

I've kind of lost track, but if he spoke about an open relationship AFTER he's already been fooling around, that's sucky.

Gay men are NOT meant for Marriage.

So sorry, OP. Hope your scuba trip is a welcome and fun break.

Seems like it is time to move on. Better luck next time...

Long term committed relationships are not about sex. Period. Chemically / biologically that’s how you find a partner but the emotional elements and the long term positive feelings are what makes a relationship last. Maybe it’s how you view sex - but I find sex and emotions to be two different things. Men have screwed prostitutes for centuries while married. The idea of marriage and love and monogamy is a modern concept to which gays were not obligated to subscribe until recently. Now, based on this thread, it seems most gays have bought into the myth that a great 50 year relationship can only exist if you’re monogamous. I just find it strange. There has to be an element of self-deception at some level because reality says most men are not monogamous.

Is there verificatia of Rene's rumored sizemeat?

I live in SF, and it seems like everyone is in an open relationship. Go on the apps and (true) dating websites, and you’ll see the reference everywhere. They say it works for them. I’m into monogamy. However, look at the percentage of straight men cheating on their wives or girlfriends. Whatever works for you.

I agree with R72. It sounds like he's setting up another relationship, not just looking for an occasional suck or fuck to satisfy his libido. This regular thing might be harder on you than if he were to hook up with someone he were to meet randomly while away on business, while out with friends at a bar, etc. I know I wouldn't want the arrangement he's suggested. However, it also sounds like he's well on his way to unzipping with or without your agreement.

I do hope that you can reinvigorate yourself for your own sake. We all go through low periods - energetically, sexually, mentally - and our relationships sometimes suffer. Try not to feel like a victim here. Find a way to empower yourself and then you may have clarity to decide what feels right for you.

So he swears up and down that he'll only see this other guy once a fortnight at a hotel. But this other guy is single too now so how will that work out ultimately?

I suppose I need to add that I earn twice as much as my partner and he does like the exotic holidays we take and his car, which I pay for. He refuses to scuba dive, though, so I'm all booked in to do that next month at Cozumel.

Thanks for all your advice, guys.

You can do better, R120. Seek legal advice about separating your assets and enjoy your trip.

It’s just sex, let him have it with other people if he wants it. You can do the same.

Keep your relationship together if it’s important to you.

Not seeing the controversy here.

OP, do you guys have a goal in your relationship? Do you have a common project?

[quote]R115 So sorry, OP. Hope your scuba trip is a welcome and fun break.

Don't let hubby fill the air tanks, though...

[quote]R116 Based on this thread, it seems most gays have bought into the myth that a great 50 year relationship can only exist if you’re monogamous. I just find it strange.

^^ debauched, homewrecking whore

The End.

I think if he’s seeing the same guy, it is more than sex, but that’s speculation. Deep down OP, you know the answer.

I have to agree with the poster who advised seeing a lawyer.

Also, I'd like to hear back from the poster who buries himself like a carrot in the backyard.

Open relationships DO NOT always break up -- they last at least half of the time.

Any gay men committing to monogamy are fooling themselves. It's better just to abide by rules.

Safe sex, for starters, like going on PREP or insisting on condoms, or limiting activity to jerkoff/oral.

I've known gay, male couples in successful open relationships, and here are some rules that they establish sometimes:

Threesomes only, where everybody is included.

No bringing tricks into the home they share.

Don't ask/don't tell about the tricks they have.

Everyone's different, so you have to make up your own rules. But it's not doomed and most gay men who commit to monogamy end up cheating when they discover their lust and hunger for variety doesn't go away after marriage.

Would I have meatloaf for dinner every night? FUCK no.

FYI straight couples opening their relationships in a negotiated way is becoming more common. Just don't cheat, deceive or endanger people's health.

[quote]R129 Open relationships DO NOT always break up -- they last at least half of the time.

OP - something else isn't right here. So he wants to go to a hotel once every 2 weeks and spend the night with this guy? WHY? Why the sleepover and spending a whole evening together if it's just sex?

Also - the other guy is SINGLE. Why can't they go to his place and not a hotel?

There's more going on here than he's saying - because none of that makes any sense at all. The guy he may be seeing is out of town and needs a place to stay - but again, that's starting a fucking relationship.

Get out now. He's probably already using your money as well since you make twice as much. Don't be a doormat.

R123, we have our love of dogs. We've got two labradoodles. We share a beautiful four bed house and love vacationing together all over the world. Nobody makes me laugh like he does and we're still affectionate with each other and sleep in a spoon position.

So, it's just the sexual passion which is missing. Maybe I should buy some Viagra online. I wish marriages didn't hinge so much on sex. .

That was me, OP, at R133.

[quote]R133 So, it's just the sexual passion which is missing.

Well, and that little thig called [italic] honesty.

R132, I made it clear that I don't want him to have sex and then come straight home to our bed. He can see me the next day. The other guy lives two hours away and I don't want him going there.

I'm not happy with opening the marriage at all, but I really don't want to lose my husband.

R135, he is being honest now.

OP, let your phantom lover have his phantom sex flings, and go on your phantom vacation.

He's damaged goods.....a liar and a wastrel!

LOCK 'IM UP!

(or out)

Perhaps anal rejuvination is called for.

r89, but op doesn't have sex with him no more. They just mutually jerk off.

Is op no longer attracted to hubby? Did he say that husband got fat or was that a troll.

Maybe Op, wouldn't m ind if he left. You say he is fucking a mutual friend. How does that stay away from you, if they get together once every 2 weeks? That is once every two weeks they want to spend the night together, not just fuck, probably doing that 3xs a week, but they want to hold each other all night every now and then.

Op, he is testing out a new relationship. Get a divorce.

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

OP I am sure your husband is going to hurt you even more, as he becomes convinced you are a cuckold. He will be more cruel. When the relationship breaks up he will say it was all your fault and also he will say "I thought you would fight for me buy you didn't. It have no choice but to stay with try new man who really loves me."

How well do you know this "friend" who is not fuck and and loving you bf???? Sure he is really single? Hmmmm

Also, those two will try to take the friends after your break up.

Just remember, you are losing your man to a guy who wants to be part of such a shitty affair, so they do deserve each other.

*I have no choice but to stay with my new man who really loves me. I need his love to cure me of the dead years I spent with you."

He won't leave me for this other guy who only earns $30k a year. My husband has expensive tastes and my six figure salary can fund these.

He knows he won't get a penny if we divorce.

Why do you want someone who apparently is tied to your money rather than you?

OP, this does not seem destined to end well for you. You deserve a sex life and to be valued for more than your $. You seem to think that will hold him but we do not control what other people do. You do not want to lose him, but he is clearly testing out a new relationship. You need to consult a lawyer, regardless of how things play out. He could have suggested counseling and trying to enhance your relationship but that was not what he chose. If you are depressed now, you sure are not going to feel better once this is going on for a while. Please take steps to protect yourself, emotionally and financially.

OP, do you really have a husband now? Seems more like a sugar baby kind of deal, regardless of ages.

Talk to a lawyer and get into some kind of counseling to figure out why you are tolerating this.

OP, you have talked about the logistics of him fucking a mutual friend. Have you talked honestly about both of your feelings and about how this imapcts your marriage? What the future of you marriage looks like?

He could have suggested Viagra or seeing a sex therapist or marriage counselor. He wants to see someone else you both know, regularly. That is going to be really hard on you.

I know you think the

Hit post by accident

I know you think the $ will hold him, but we all, including you, know that may not be the case. He is going to be romancing and investing in a relationship with someone else. How can that not impact your marriage and you emotionally?

What has he said about his feelings for and commitment to you?

I am really sorry, OP. This sucks and is a shitty thing to do. You sound like a nice guy.

OP, why do you say "He knows he won't get a penny if we divorce"? Are you in a state where marital assets aren't divided 50/50?

I feel now we are being trolled. Or OP is terrible person, just like his ageing boytoy.

Here are the rules.

Never tell the other person, Never let it happen in your home Never more than once with the same person. Never ever be unsafe -

^^ this is how you do it

OP, why do you think he will not be awarded assets? Did he sign a pre-nup? What you feel like giving him when the split comes and what the law requires may be very different, consult a lawyer.

The writing is on the wall. Protect yourself - legally and emotionally.

If you want companionship in exchange for financial support, those relationships are not hard to come by. The writing is on the wall, OP. He is trying out a new relationship and with you playing along, his feelings of guilt, if any, will likely become contempt for you. The relationship, as is, is over, $ or not. Many of us have expressed sympathy but denying reality is not going to change the outcome. Sorry, OP, but you need to move on, the status quo holding is not a choice you are in control of.

With such a long relationship, he may get more assets than you think, at least that would be true in the US. Not sure about your jurisdiction, but get legal advice.

Mid-life crises suck, but he aint gonna stay, OP. If he does not take up with this guy, there will be another. He could have said he really wanted to re-start a sex life with you, but he instead started fucking someone else.

So much effort to put into a relationship that is not worth saving.

IMHO the only way to successfully open up a relationship is to be honest about it from the start, and to set limits on what's okay before you start fucking around. Because when you try to set limits after he's already found someone he wants to fuck regularly, he will already have broken any rule you try to set, and if you try to make him agree to any rules or limitations he doesn't like, he'll think you're being controlling and stifling.

So, OP, why the hell are you staying with a guy who cheats on you, lies to you, makes selfish demands, spends your money, and disrespects your relationship? I mean, you're not even getting great sex out of it right now - what the hell is he bringing to the table?

He spelled it out above, R159. Companionship, not wanting to be alone and not wanting to dismantle the life they built together from young adulthood. It is understandable, OP.

Still, the relationship is not going to survive and you do not have any control over that. You need to start preparing yourself. Your depression may be due, in part, to the relationship not being a healthy one. You need to find emotional support - a therapist and a support group, ideally, and get legal advice.

R154's rules are the most rational. I know some of you will have a problem with the cheating, but if you want to stay in the relationship, it's the best way to do it. If you travel for work, do it when you're out of town. Your partner is unlikely to ever find out, and it limits the encounters to one-night stands.

My partner constantly traveled all over the world for business, and I know he slept around a few times, but it didn't bother me the much. If he's alone in Rio or Amsterdam, I can't really expect him to ignore all the gorgeous men walking around. It's not realistic. He's never going to see those men again anyway. Traveling for work is grueling and lonely. Frankly, he deserved to have a little discreet fun every now and then.

Once you open up a relationship, you open it up to *anything*.

Herpes Incurable Syphilis. Money stolen from joint bank accounts (the trick needs a small loan)

OP, he did not go about this in a way that would be least likely to hurt you or the marriage. He did not come to you FIRST nor did he propose something that would not become a threat to the relationship. So sorry, but you need to prepare yourself.

OP, there are plenty of funny, low-paid fish in the sea. All of us gays love dogs.

OP, find someone who wants to be with you and to build a life with you, not someone ready to blow up that life in his mid-life crisis.

I do not think this relationship has been as good for you as you have wished. You seem depressed and your partner does not seem to have noticed or cared. Mid-life crises are all about narcissism. You deserve better.

Your current relationship is over, despite neither of you acknowledging it in a straightforward way. You cannot go on with him in a part time rx with a guy you both know.

R164 is right.

Give your partner exactly what your partner wants: an open relationship, though without you. Don't even negotiate it; your partner has made a decision for their own benefit.

You'd mentioned you're in your 40's, which means you've not wasted every moment of your 'best years.' You have more left. Go find true love, though this time with specific, non-negotiable expectations at the onset.

Life is short; this one life we have to live isn't 'Dress Rehearsal' -

I had an open relationship once, I was h'open he'd fuck off.

OP, if your hubby does't make that much and his new bf certainly doesn't, who is paying for their hotel, meals, etc.? YOU are. Have some self respect.

R167 = Opening act for Elayne Boosler at the Wichita Laugh Shack, circa 1983

R154 is clearly the only person here who has actually been in a real relationship. The rest of the priss pots are judgmental dreamers who buy into a myth that was created to force men to stay with wives after they had children.

OP’s partner is not adhering to the r154 established.

R171 you are correct. OP - enforce R154 rules. No repeats.

OP, we haven’t rooted out the cause of your depression and anxiety. To whom ever said “no wonder the partner might want more elsewhere” I say —OP are you in a relationship that leaves you feeling unloved or unsupported? The pulling away to go have sex with another guy...does he pull away in other ways? Is your husband weird with commitment in general? I feel like this is a situational depression. Does he make things your fault? Gaslight you? Is he a narcissist? I have a hunch this relationship is not benefitting you nearly as much as it is him. You might be getting used. I hope that’s not the case. OP...you have GOT to attend to yourself and your mental health.

OP's partner doesn't want rules, he doesn't want to negotiate, he doesn't want to make his relationship with the OP his top priority. He wants the OP to be a doormat and okay him having a steady side piece.

The thrill is gone.

He's paying for the hotel. I pay for his car, our vacations, and any big expenses. The hotel room is definitely on him. We have separate bank accounts and cards.

I feel supported emotionally. He's affectionate and a good listener. He knows all my backstories and I know all his. I've no desire to start again with someone else and he doesn't either.

The OP's partner is taking a concubine.

r177 /Op just lay down the rules. And you do it too.

@R177/R176 = Op is displaying typical self-destructive behaviors: excuses for allowing the situation; excuses for the partner's behavior; excuses for the neglect/abuse; excuses -

Agree, R173. I tried to get at this but you put it better. OP, I really think you are making the best of a situation that could be sucking the life out of you. Work on you, find a support group and a therapist and keep scheduling stuff you enjoy like the scuba holiday. Put yourself first - your well being and your happiness. Things may look quite different once you do.

R177, he IS in another regular relationship. He might have echoed you if he actually said that, but HE HAS STARTED OVER WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Without having to give up your $.

I've no desire to start again with someone else - ok

and he doesn't either. - He HAS started again with someone else, OP. You need to stop avoiding that truth. I get that you do not want to give up the good things you thought you had but he has started fucking someone else and he plans to do so on the reg. He started an ongoing rx with someone you both know, before raising it with you. He is trying on another relationship. Any negative feelings he has are likely to be twisted into contempt for you and your self esteem will take a real hit. This is not how people who want to protect the relationship act. This is not an agreed on single hook up on a trip, or whatever. He has one foot out the door, OP. This relationship will not last. So sorry.

You do not believe it now, but you can be much happier. You are unhappy now, depressed and settling for a philandering spouse. Imagine being with someone who cherishes you and who is committed to the life you make together, not testing out new ones? This relationship had a long run but you need to understand he is done. He is not that emotionally supportive if he did not notice or engage with you about your depression. If his response to that is getting a regular side piece. That is NOT supportive, it is kinda exploiting your being at a low ebb. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. You are framing things in ways that are not true. A support group and a therapist can offer both support and the perspective of others and their situations.

I agree with everyone on this thread. Also, as a lesbian, I have to tell you that at no point in the many times I've experienced lesbian bed death in a relationship were we down to once a month.

That's not normal for a man. Take care of yourself. If you need to make a few appointments (with therapist, doctor, whoever), do it. There's no reason to go on like this.

OP, get your testosterone checked for starters.

......

[quote] R137 he is being honest now. - OP

How would one know?

R154 wins. That is how I do it, though I have a couple repeaters, all of whose tenures are limited due to their transitory presence in my world. I fucked up once and had a guy into our home, but that was more than 15 years ago. I love my married life, my husband, our family. I suspect that he has extramarital arrangements, too, but I do not want to know about them. As long as we are safe only -- and this is my only major concern -- it works for me/us.

OP, you can thrive with this arrangement, but you have to own it. Seriously, go see a sympathetic interlocutor who can help you work through your feelings and thoughts.

OP, don't leave him. He has a great setup and an ongoing source of cash. It would be a shame to upset that apple cart. Continue to shell out.

Just keeping payin' the freight, ya sad piece'a baggage.

Better sent him off to those hotel [italic] rondez-vous [/italic] with a nice picnic basket and bottles of chilled champagne, or he'll drop you completely

Snap out of it and get some fucking self respect. He's using you for the money it seems. If you're o.k. with paying his way and having the comfort of him "beg around", then quit complaining and accept it.. You've gotten yourself in a situation where the preconceived notions of a relationship/comfort have started to crumble. That's the problem with ALL relationships hetero or homo. Everyone thinks it's going to be all roses and sunshine. The reality is that most people suck and are damaged from the past and usually beyond repair. And as someone up thread said, the quest for variety doesn't magically go away..

I've no desire to start again with someone else and he doesn't either.

It's all academic now because I just found out that he has already cheated on me with a good friend of ours who has recently split with his partner. I think he wants to open the marriage to bring this guy in. I can't see that working.

OP - take your own advice. Lots of sympathy for not wanting to start over but your husband has already done so. This will not end well for your relationship and you may have no say about that.

See a doctor and get your T and thyroid checked. You could be feeling low ebb for physical reasons. If both are fine, get evaluated for depression.

You deserve better in good friends and in husbands. Act now and take some control back. You have time to find another relationship. Accepting this and going on as if it had not happened is a false choice, it will not be possible. The toll on you will be too much or he will bounce. He has not expressed dissatisfaction, OP, he is fucking someone else, regularly. Someone who is a good friend to both of you. You know it will not work, you posted so.

[quote] I feel supported emotionally. He's affectionate and a good listener. He knows all my backstories and I know all his. I've no desire to start again with someone else and he doesn't either.

Then quit your bitching! Life is full of trade-offs and your sacrifice is to be his doormat. See a therapist and discover when your self-respect and commonsense evaporated.

Get yourself some new dick, OP. Look around, see what's out there, have yourself a little meaningless fun. You might find that life and love aren't so uninteresting and depressing after all!

If the husband has already opened up the relationship, it's only fair. Let him see how he likes it, when his meal ticket behaves the way he has.

R183, I don't want to be with someone else who doesn't know me and might demand regular sex. I'm not interested in sex anymore and I've come to terms with the fact that my partner wants it elsewhere with this guy. He's with me 13 nights out of 14.

You guys value sexual intimacy above everything else and are thinking with your dicks.

This will end in tears... and STDs.

OP the bitter truth is you aren't going to be joyful without him, and there's a chance you'll never find another. If you do, then cool. But, respect yourself and dump the bum.

OP is a frigid bitch protecting his right to be a doormat.

OP, what is the harm in getting your T and thyroid checked?

You are awfully young to write off sex entirely. Rule out a physical cause, for both of your sakes. You said you feel meh about everything, not just sex.

If it is not physical, and I would bet $ on low T, it is worth exploring with a therapist. Were you ever molested or assaulted? You are going to need support and guidance in getting through a regular experience that was not your choice and over which you have little say. You do not sound like you are in a great place emotionally at present and there is a chance your marriage could come to an end. Line up support now, OP. I personally found both an individual and a support group offered really different and valuable benefits when I was in a similar situation.

It is not us thinking with our dicks, OP, it is your husband, who has started a regular relationship with someone you both know. You do not want to acknowledge that, but it is the truth. He did not express concern that you seem depress, suggest the 2 of you go to counseling or see a sex therapist. He started fucking someone else, someone you know. That is not being emotionally supportive, OP. That is not him not wanting a relationship with someone else.

He's the love of my life and I don't sleep well if he's not in the bed curled up round me. He's going to be away one night out of 14 and I'll take Ambien that one night so all will be fine.

I'm never going to just give up on him, I'd be too unhappy and I believe he would be too.

Have you considered asking him to wear an ankle bracelet that can send shocks? What about one of those shocking anal eggs like the Columbian whores on Chaterbate?

Eh, R200 does not fit at all with supposed OP who thought bringing in a guy they both know would never work. I call EST.

OP cannot be real and type this as his husband bangs their good friend on the reg.

I'm never going to just give up on him, I'd be too unhappy and I believe he would be too.

If OP was real he would have consulted a lawyer to protect his assets at this point.

I suspect the alleged OP replies from R40 on are actually that troll who pretends to be an OP when he really isn't. The "updates" don't make a lot of sense.

Maybe, R204. R40 kind of made sense, but not after.

R204, I think they're all the same troll. When I deleted R200, OP also disappeared.

R200 isn't the same as the OP, R206. It's the fake OP troll who is obsessed with Harry Styles. I wish he would get banned, hes always ruining threads. FF.

My husband knows how to cheer me up. He somehow got us two tickets to the sold out Harry Styles concert at Madison Square Gardens!

No-one else knows me like he does. Who cares if he has sex with someone else once every 14 days? Only desperate cock sluts on here.

Jesus fucking Christ, you guys were fooled by the Spaz Troll for 208 posts! Must be a record.

OP opened up his relationship and let in the Spaz Troll, then withdrew from the thread and watched Spaz at work.

If just one marriage can be saved, it is all worth it.

Foolishness here, OP. The union is over. Your life is ruled by another, you're not good enough for him now. Get out.

All is forgiven now that we are going to the Harry Styles gig together.

If I could find a guy who looked like Harry, I might break my sex ban!

Ask him if you can watch!

Nothing to see here. Move along, toots.

The first comment was probably the most logical. If someone is asking you to open up a relationship after years of being together, they're probably just too afraid to make that big break so they're hedging their bets.

I once read a study about the reasons why men & women get divorced in hetero relationships and what they found was that women got a divorce when they were fed up with a man for any and all reasons. But that a man usually only asked for a divorce when he had another woman that he had fallen for waiting in the wings. What that study shows is that if it was left to the men, they'd stick around for the most stinkiest of relationships as long as they didn't have someone else to take care of them.

That's what your partner is seeking OP. He'll say it's for the sex. But what he's looking for is that reason to leave you and he's hoping to find it out there by opening the relationship. That way he can date and see other people, while still having the comfort of you taking care of him. That's what an open relationship is for a lot of men. It's usually one sided. The ones praising it on here are the ones on tht one side.

Sounds like he may have found it already, with a mutual good friend he plans to fuck and spoon on the regular.

If OP is already feeling meh and kinda poorly, why is his emotionally supportive husband using his being at a low ebb to push this? A loving, committed, emotionally supportive spouse would be focused on the well being of OP and then on rekindling their relationship.

OP, ambien and depression are a bad combo. Just sayin.

The partner is being "emotionally supportive" (but not really ) because OP is being financially supportive.

You guys are a bunch of desperate, judgemental, oversexed queens. I have NO intention of leaving my husband for this other guy who only earns 40k a year!

I'd fuck either of these guys.

R219 [italic]SHOW YOUR FACE, DEMON!

This post is a weird twilight zone episode of that fabulous Houston couple right before the murder. We have stepped through the matrix folks.

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for four years but I wouldn’t be opposed to an open one. A lot of my gay friends have done them, and it seems to me like most dudes who want one are just looking for a contingency plan, and the messed up part is it’s often their partner. They wanna go out and fuck and if there’s no one better out there they’ll stay put. If not they’re long gone.

Surprised how many people say just end it. If today it brings pleasure or comfort, enjoy today. Taking stands on principle is immature to me. Life isnt black and white. There’s always a list of pros and cons in a relationship and there will always be ups and downs. The idea that he should end it for “self-esteem” is a totally judgmental immature stance. I don’t value myself any less if my partner sleeps with someone else. Nothing my partner does impacts my self-esteem.

I would say that if he needs to fuck other people that badly at his age he needs a shrink.

Have kids. No one will want to have sex again

Never get into a relationship with someone who's hotter than you. You'll never have any power in the relationship if you do. You might be able to get away with it if you have a lot more money, but he's still going to be looking over his shoulder for someone better.

Know that.

Why don't people ever realise when the Spaz Troll is on the thread?

'Never get into a relationship with someone who's hotter than you.'

How is this realistically going to occur, Mister Fug?

r229 - happens - my husband is ridiculously hot. I'm okay a mid west 8, L.A. 5. I am fatter than him (not like tub o lard but dad bod fit fat, whatever you call it - I just say fat) he is ripped, great body, full head of hair perfect teeth, big schwantz. Here is the kicker, he aksed me out first. He makes good money - we have a great time together - he makes me laugh I make him laugh - we still fuck like rabbits at least 3 times a week.

[quote]Despite that, we do talk about our trysts sometimes, because I think we both get off on the idea that the other is hot and desirable

That's so shallow it's sad. Time marches on, beautiful, and generally right across your face. Where's that going to leave you?

Big dick wilter listening to a married couple talk with others in a social setting about their independent hook ups. Gauche.

[quote]The fact of the matter is, open relationships work for 2 sex pigs who are in love with each other.

How many lovey dovey sex pigs do you know? Yeah me neither. That type hates intimacy.

What r214 said. You might find that being a cuckold will turn you on immensely. A lot of straight young couples are doing it now, its becoming quite trendy as an alternative to the open relationship.

But I wouldn't try it with a person that you both know too well.

[quote]R224 I don’t value myself any less if my partner sleeps with someone else. Nothing my partner does impacts my self-esteem.

Your partner having a secret affair while in a monogomous relationship, then wanting to keep the guy on the side while still living off you, wouldn't affect your self-esteem?

Well, that's modern.

And SO civilized.

It's a [italic] match made in heaven! [/italic] So glad for you, R224 !

Look at you guys, having long invested conversations with the Spaz Troll!

The 'Op' mentioned Harry Styles which is Spaz's trademark and you all ignored it!

Good advice, R234, except that OP has no choice in the matter. Hubs is already banging a good friend of both, regularly. He did not just want dick, he is trying out a new relationship.

R232, they probably think you are all jealous, lol.

R238 Are we sure Harry Styles Spaz Troll was OP? Or did he appropriate the thread later?

OP in recent photo:

R241 Spaz doesn't start threads except for the 1d threads. He finds threads where the OP abandoned the thread and then takes over. He comes in at R39 or R40, can't be bothered scrolling back to see which one.

NOT the same, R241, I blocked the troll and can still see the OP.

OP, are you out there? Or were you an EST?

People who accept open relationships yet get furious when they see the trick are hilarious.

People who feel compelled to accept open relationships are understandably upset when confronted with the side piece of their SI. - fixed it for you

R245 must get laid a lot due to his/her understanding nature, not

Get evidence, use it in court when you file for divorce - win big.

R246 if someone accept an open relationship they know already the partner is fucking around. They have no business in being furious.

Quietly serve him with divorce papers. he clearly did not mean to follow his vows.

You have two options. You can let it happen, set up rules and ride it out or dump him. Honestly, most (not all) men go through some sort of "i could have gotten better" moment in a relationship where they felt like they settled. They want to go out hook up and see if they could have gotten someone hotter, or with a bigger dick, or whatever. Truthfully - you go out there and look and realize, damn I did all right. The risk is you open that up to your partner and they might be the one realizing they could have done better. Let them have the flings, as long as they follow the rules. Most (again MOST) guys will realize pretty fast it gets exhausting.

OP's husband is in the midst of MidLife Crisis, time was when a guy would simply buy a red Ferrari and fantasize.

But, seriously, divorce his ass and split the marital assets before he cleans out your savings and takes off with a gold digger. Let him go and find someone worthy of your love (and with whom you will be sexually compatible).

"Matilda! Matilda! Matilda she took de money and run Venezuela."

Wow, you guys are still chatting to the Spaz Troll, all oblivious.