Let's Be Trump's Funeral

I'm John McCain and I wouldn't miss this for the world.

I'm Barron, playing with his electronic device while avoiding Melania's glare.

I'm KFC. I catered this shindig.

I’ll be Obama’s State of Hawaii Birth Certificate, dancing in the street.

So fat.

I'm the guilded casket.

I'm Melania and my focuss will be entirely on the will.

I’m the irrepressible smiles on the lips of the immediate family.

I am Melanija! I dance on casket in Manolo Blahnik 5 inch heel! I am now rich bitch!

I'm the oversized flower arrangements, mobster style.

That’s “Mrs. Mother” to you.

I'm the four-second eulogy. "It's said to speak good of the dead. He's dead: good."

I'm Arlington Cemetary and I am NOT letting him in

I'm this song playing over and over again as the glorious time approaches....

Arlington Cemetary will let that bloated turd in.

I'm Mike Pence and I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Hannity.

Sadly Trump will probably not die in office, r16. We are stuck with him for another two plus years.

I’m the casket full of bricks.

I'm the red dress Melania and Hillary will wear.

I'm the unprecedented sped-up con brio performance from the military band, ending with four bars of "Happy Days Are Here Again."

I'm the Russian spy who gets to fire the poison pellet before disappearing into the shadows.

I'm Stormy throwing myself on the casket screaming "OH GOD NOOOO!!! YOU'RE THE BEST I EVER HAD," then cracking up laughing and getting off it and saying "no I'm just joking, he was really the worst. And I'm not exaggerating."

I had a dream a few weeks ago he got assassinated...

R20 you should F&F us ALL and then for good measure F&F a few random people in your neighborhood!

R24, please, nooo! I want to see his fat ass in an orange jumpsuit.

I am the empty streets of Washington DC, as no one cares to watch the funeral procession.

It's not a good color for him. He would look fabulous in a medium blue though.

I'm the world's outpouring of congratu... uh, condolenc... nope, CONGRATULATIONS! 🎉💐

pine box. prison graveyard.

I'm the forty people who show up (fifteen are relatives). RW news will post photos from Rudolph Valentino's memorial, photoshopping living people's faces onto some mourners, and claim that as an accurate representation of how many "paid their respects."

I am the “thoughts and prayers” that won’t be thought or prayed.

I'm a mourner who looks into the casket and says "You're fired...from life" while walking away with a grin. Assuming Hell exists he'll literally be fired, too.

I'm Hell. I had to slather him in butter just to stuff him through the gates.

I’m Sean Spicer and Sarah Sanders. We are holding a press conference to tell everybody that this is the biggest crowd at any funeral ever! PERIOD!

The funeral will be well attended...just so people can make sure he’s really dead. And then there’s the event for the public to go to.

I'm the medical examiner and I don't see any a-stinkin' bone spurs.

I'm a big fat pussy pinata that needs to be grabbed to release its candy

I'm Satan and there is no way, no how, you're leaving him here with me.

I'm Donald Trump, and I'm going to fuck up hell, too, Satan!

I am an 80-year-old Mick Jagger cavorting stiffly and singing “Sympathy for the Devil.”

I'm Kleenex tissues. Nobody needs me.

I'm Suzanne Somers. I am lamenting the loss of a great American, even if he didn't grab my pussy.

I'm Rosanne, in need of a shitty new phenom to leach onto.

I'm Melania's brief speech, written by Michelle Obama.

I'm Chachi and I'm inconsolable.

I'm Donald Trump and am I pissed! Sad!!

I am the Trump mauseleum he is building on the Trump NJ golf course.

We Russian prostitutes. We pee on casket, da?

I'm Lindsey Graham. I do declare that both Ivanka and I are united in grief. We always looked forward to our regular ménage a trois evenings with such a great man.

Where is my fainting couch?

We are Bill and Hillary, Barack and Michelle, and W and Laura. Suddenly, we all have last-minute plans that need our attention. Sorry, toots!

I'm the Earth, rocking on my axis, on account of the party all over the world.

I'm R51's mention of W. I ain't fixin to know what plans Laura made for us, but y'all can just reckon that I'll be drunk sway-dancing like I do in public.

I'm Ivanka , sucking daddy's cock in the Casket.

I'm R6 guilded casket I'm guided in cheap gold paint no real gold.

I'd like to push R20 in and then grab a shovel.

I'm a deplorable, denying it all.

I'm Mike Pence, enjoying picking out my new Secret Service detail.

I'm shooting deplorables on 5th avenue...with confetti.

I'm Coppertone, I keep the corpse orange, as in life.

This thread is GOLD!!!!

I'm Joey Lawrence, I'm here for the buffet.

It's free, right?

I'm the announcement of the best, biggest, and most SAD funeral of all time.

Over/Under on how long before I get a new Daddy?

I'm Melania's outfit and dance moves

I'm David Hogg, going to WalMart to buy a gun, so I can fire rounds in the air in celebration.

I'm Bonnie Franklin. I hate funerals but I love to tap!

I'm Mexico, declaring a national holiday

I'm melanoma's tears of happiness.

I'm the world's collective sigh of relief.

I'm Michael Cohen I couldn't get out of jail to attend the funeral. I'm celebr. . . .I mean mourning in prison.

I am the piss that will be soaking the ground after the pos is buried.

[quote]Haters. give it up. You are giving gays and DL a bad name with your unhinged hate. Grow up and accept what is.

Like you accepted that Obama was a Christian, US-born moderate?

I'm the Wizard of Oz Munchkin that proclaims him "really, truuuuuly dead!"

Here I am at the front of the procession doing my "Enjoy hell, scumbag!" twirl.

I'm every woman in the US and beyond, unclenching my teeth.

That guy was an asshole.

I'll take my dogs to shit on top of his grave, he'll I'll shit on it as well.

I'm the confederate flag at half-staff.

I'm champagne, overflowing at private parties throughout NYC

I am Ivanka's black dress with big pink bows, just like daddy always liked.

I'm Trump's tax returns. I'm buried with him.

I'm the the horses pulling the coffin and shitting liberally for those following to enjoy.

I'm the forgotten 'the' in today's inane announcement, showing up in R83's post. Be Best Funeral

We're the lights on Broadway burning so brightly that we can be seen from outer space.

I'm Doctor Ronnie, drunk and still trying to get a pulse

I'm the cold hard ground in Arlington Cemetery, refusing to be dug

"I'll make hell great again!"

I'm Kellyanne Conway, recycling the Nutcracker outfit

I'm Kathy Griffin and I'm hosting.

I'm Kanye and I'm inconsolable

I'm a Dem bystander, rushing and opening the casket to make absolutely sure.

I'm Jeff Sessions, spitting on the casket as I pass by.

I'm Melania, re-using my white outfit with matching hat after having added sequins to the buttons.

I'm the 21-gun salute and I'm aiming directly at the immediate family members.

I'm the elaborate gold carvings and charabs that decorate the tacky casket.

I can't believe it took until R91 for Kanye. Bless you, R91

R91 is cool, but I'm also ok with Kanye no longer appearing anywhere.

The Vatican mourns with rest of the world.

I'm the military parade of out and proud soldiers, dancing behind the cortege.

I'm Elvis Costello, singing "Tramp the Dirt Down" by special petition of the American people.

Condolences from Germany.

"Thank goodness, he's dead. We can finally stop pretending that we aren't home. Philip, open the curtains and pull up the shades!"

I'm Trump's Hair, donated to the Smithsonian

We are the three rows of weeping women who signed NDAS without a cent from Cohen. Fucker.

We're the pallbearers. Who said this motherfucker only weighed 239 pounds?

[quote]I'm the 21-gun salute and I'm aiming directly at the immediate family members.

I'm the 21-pee salute and I'm aiming directly at the coffin.

Surely an afterlife awaits him.

We're the American flags in the hands of new immigrants, waving in delight.

I'm the afterlife kicking that shit back.

I'm the biggest parade audience he'll ever have, armed with rotten vegetables.

I'm Sarah Huckabeast, claiming he's just resting.

I’m Antonio Sabato Jr., thinking “Now that he’s gone, maybe I will get some movie/TV roles again!”

I'm the ultraclassy casket.

I'm Sarah's smokey eyes!

Rocketman for the win over some dumb unstable dotard.

And my wife is much hotter.

I swear if I didn't know who those people were in the pic @R116, I would think it was a woman with a special needs adult getting to pretend he's in the military as part of an Asian Make-A-Wish story

I'm Cinemax and I have an unpaid bill here, to whom do I complain?

Dig me up. This calls for a casket dance!

I'll bet Pence and Paul Ryan are pissed they chose last week to resign and run away together!

God he is such an asshole.

Yeah. That guy was pure asshole.

We buried him nine days ago and he's still tweeting!

His goo, his marvelous goo.

I am Lawrence O'Donnell. The procession's horses will neither obey nor trot. They are on location at the funeral but refuse to participate. The procession is stalled. A rider, said to be the Senatrice Lindsay Graham, has been thrown to the ground and stomped, while wild-eyed spectators chased down the casket's carriage, who appear to be happy. Very happy and light of heart.

I'm the sound of cars honking in every city at the moment his death was announced on the radio. It's a celebration.

I showed up early to get the best seats, now where is the cake and KFC?

I'm Cinemax again, our call was left unanswered. To whom may I speak about an unpaid bill? There are hundreds and hundred of hours here.

Sometimes there is this unknown but very real need for a big ol smile and guffaw. This thread has provided a multitude of those. Thank you all.... Hmm, I am Melania, trying to hold back the smiles and laughter, or perhaps Barron, thinking thank gawd that 'ol floozy is not merely dead, but very insincerely dead.

Environmental Disaster Unfolding at Trump Cremation Site in Yonkers

With the scandal of the hallowed ground at three New York cemeteries apparently rejecting the corpse of the infamous ex-president and convicted traitor and felon, the remaining family of the deceased took the body to the Yonkers Quicky Burn Crematory and Arcade to attempt to bring a shameful chapter in the nation's history to an end.

"As soon as the flames got through the cardboard and hit the body, the smell started. We heard a sizzling sound and the alarms started going off and we ran for it. The family already was lying there, stunned by the stench, and with all the smoke we couldn't get them out," Willow Cornplast, a crematory spokesperson, said as the flames shot into the sky 10 blocks behind her.

Lost in the toxic conflagration were the daughter and two older sons of the ex-president, their spouses, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckleberry-Sander, former aides. Numerous neo-Nazis and white nationalists also perished, some of whom were leader in the Republican Party.

This deadly fiasco followed the shocking demise of the ex-president's widow, Melanomia, whose plane was shot down by Russian military aircraft as she attempted an escape to Moscow after being identified as a long-time Russian spy. The whereabouts of the ex-president's youngest son are unknown.

With the 2018 Democrat sweep of Congress, the nation appears set to make a rapid recovery. Ex-President Pence being held in custody pending trial and former GOP congressmen and senators defeated or indicted, a sense of relief seems to be spreading. President Pelosi, agreeing to resign to allow Vice President Clinton to take her rightful place in the White House, has called for a National Week of Thanksgiving.

I like blue too!

Sweet, R130!

Amashing Grashe, how shweet the shound.

Who has dibs on the medicine cabinet.

we're the worms, patiently waiting to eat and shit this putrid flesh into fertilizer

I am the FOX NEWS “casket cam” that is inside the coffin.

We're the thousands of actors hired by the Trump family to ensure it was the biggest funeral anybody had ever seen! The best funeral!

Like all trump employees, we won't get paid.

We are the Mar-Lago Trump Library, with both the American and Trump flags at half mast.

Yes, this is Cinemax again, third time calling. Would you please contact us at 1-800-CINEMAX.

Your account is in arrears, like your ass, and we are after it.

I'm the funeral procession route and the cemetery, which would be packed to the rafters with onlookers, if cemeteries had rafters.

It's like we always used to say on vaudeville: "You give the people what they want, and they'll fill the theater."

Hitler is getting a little pissed right now.

I am the autistic nightmare of these past two years which ends abruptly as my father picks me up and spins me around and dances and laughs and smiles and twirls his stethoscope above his head and shouts “Hillary won in a landslide!”

The use of a gold-hued "Big Body" coffin put an end to questions about the fiend's weight, estimated at 430 pounds, "dead weight."

I’m the chorus of ejaculating champagne bottles popping across every time zone on Earth.

I'm the tears of all real Americans, never shed.

I am the tombstone that keeps flopping over. Nothing about this monster was ever straight up or erect so why start now?

I’m Roy Cohn. I’m rounding up the hookers for the welcome party in hell. They all look like Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell.

Ain’t I bad?

I'm all the veterans turning in their graves at Arlington as they bury that fucker beside us.

I am the McChicken pieces rotting in his stomach.

I am Donald coming to in the piney box - realizing the majority of voters had the last laugh after all.

I'm the first shovelful of dirt being launched like spear, shovel and all, by the grieving widow.

I'm the long line of 'mooning' admirers lining the funeral route.

I'm karma laughing at the idea that you believe death will bring to an end the problem with your country.

So.... Like.... you all want Christian Sharia Pence?

"I'm Trump's Hair, donated to the Smithsonian"

Fuck that - I'm Trump's hair, I'm the chief (and only) mourner...

I'm the foreigners laughing and pointing while right wing whackos gain ground in their own countries. Take care of your own BS, R153, before you deign to mock others.

oops, that would be R152, sorry.

I like it, R151.

Buns Across America

“Let’s bring out the booze, and have a bong....

“^^^^^^

I'm heaven's doorman, St. Peter, smiling as I inform Trumpty Dumpty that he is headed in the OTHER direction!

We are the organizing committee for the Celebration of Life Dinner Dance and Silent Auction. Wayne Newton is performing.

We're certain that the $200,000 tables will sell out in record time!

I gotta stay well hydrated so I can piss on his grave.

We are hungry worms and ants in the ground, but at the sight of this putrid swine even we draw a line.

I am the seating chart at the memorial. First row designated for family. Second row designated for Fox News commentators and Putin. Third row designated for employees who are required to attend. All other rows are on a first come basis after a $200,000 donation for the upkeep of Trump Memorial Golf Course AKA My Last Scam.

The aforementioned "memorial" is not organized nor is endorsed by the Trumpettes. The Celebration of Life Dinner Dance and Silent Auction still has tables (all) available at the bargain price of $200,000. We are sure they will sell out fast.

(Media, foreigners and employees are throwing their own memorial fish fry at the Mar-A-Lago service entrance at a date TBA.)

I'm the banshee, laughing.

I'm Darlene McBride and I'll be performing the National Anthem at Trump National Baptist Church.

(I'm actually surprised this idiot hasn't plastered his name on a church, yet.)

I'm Michael Cohen, former attorney and goomba, throwing myself on the casket and screaming "My pardon!"

Melania Trump @FLOTUS

He not #BeBest husband, he not #BeBest father, so it #BeBest he be dead.

Covfefe t-shirts with clown-ass sized red ties.

R169 LOL

I am the thousands of pairs of dancing shoes, worn by the multitude gathered to dance on his fucking grave.

I’m the black pillbox hat and veil that is worn by Sean Hannity as he weeps in front of his TV.

I'm Tiffany's side-eye, followed by a hard eyeroll, when asked for comment by TMZ.

I am Marla Maples. I'm actually in California. My downward dog stretch is looking really good. The magnum of champagne was really relaxing.

I'm FOX News. What's your name? Who's your daddy?

Is he rich, is he rich like me?

I'm Mike Pence, sucking up til the end, crying "It was an honor to serve you, Mein Fuhrer!"

I am the empty Dunkin Donuts iced coffee cup tossed into the street by one of his few deplorable mourners

I'll be the big-titted Russian whores (oops, I mean 'professional mourners') hired for the burial service who will piss on his grave as a final show of respect.

I am the low, rumbling sound coming from within his out-sized, wide-load coffin. I am the fumes of toxic fast-food gas and backed-up shit clogging his body and I am about to BLOW!

Me are the Melania person. Me exhaust from all the dance. Vomit the champagne on mine $127,000 jackets.

I'm the gold house paint on the pine coffin ["No need spend good money on bad man, "-- Melania].

I'm chipped where people have kicked me.

[quote]I'm chipped where people have kicked me.

Shit, I almost spit my coffee laughing at the visual.

R169 for the win!!!

I'm the curious shapes and streaks on the coffin, remnants of the spit dripping.

I'll be the separate, larger coffin that holds the runoff from his final enema.

I'm the bag of Cheetos

I'm Tiffany trump and I'm trying to act like I give a shit.

We're Ivanka, Don, Jr., and Eric, bitching about who will get the most inheritance -- and trying to remember which of the bitches in the poor seats is Tiffany.

I'm the thousands of large, runny balls of shit people have chucked into the grave, instead of the traditional clods of earth. PU!

Wit and Wisdom for R117. Made me laugh so loud my neighbors heard me.

I'm one his numerous judicial appointments, looking at another twenty to thirty years on the bench carrying out his deplorable agenda. There might be another president's portrait hanging in my chambers but I secretly replace it with the Dear Leader's when I'm all alone and no one's watching.

We're the grave robbers, biding our time till dark to steal this son of a bitch. Pitch his head on a spike and feed the rest to the sharks. Poor sharks, if they only knew.

Bumping cause I liked this thread.

I’m the tox report. I’m four pages long.

We are siblings Maryanne, Frederick, Elizabeth and Robert, finally able to show our faces in public after years of hiding in shame.

We are Donald Jr., Ivanka and Eric and you half-breeds aren't getting a dime. We will kill you if we have to.

I'm Ms. Diana Ross, honored that Mrs. Trump has asked me to perform this hymn:

I'm my own hangover, after a solid week of partying.