Are You a Loner?

I am a loner. It sometimes leads to depression, but people stress me out so much.

Totally agree. I’ve had to fight it to work - and it sucks. Would love to work at home alone. But even compared to my family , I’m a loner. LOVE being alone and not having to deal with people. Hitting 50 and praying for retirement so I don’t have to deal with a hyper aggressive social work environment. Only survive with Xanax and Am ken to sleep. I only enjoy days where I spend it all alone. I could be a monk very happily. Unfortunately it - or the 401k. Capitalism is built for extroverts.

Great lyrics to that song - "Loner" by The Tyde

I've had childhood friends, immediate family members, cousins and co-workers make plans with me and then ghost me the day of. Then act like nothing happened. So many years of that bullshit gets real old and disappointing. It's actually better to come to terms with being a loner.

Family members shame me for being "too set in my ways", but I truly enjoy my time away from other people and that time seems more than most other people take. I've never had the courage to "come out" to friends and family as someone who would be happy to spend the rest of my life in the same solitary fashion as they wouldn't be able to understand.

I'm a loner and suspect I am wired that way. I do have a small circle of friends that I adore. But often what I look forward most as the weekend approaches is the chance to be alone. And I consider my weekend fairly ruined if I have social obligations both Saturday and Sunday. I do hate eating alone, though, for some reason. And I am terrified at the thought of being a lonely old man one day, with no one to see during the holidays except perhaps some cousin or friend who takes pity on me and invites me to dinner. I think I had better change.

Yes, I tend to function beautifully on my own, from grocery shopping to travel or just working around the house. All I need to do is observe others who are tied down with a spouse and kids, for example, to realize how lucky I am to be free of all that shit. When I go to a restaurant I seek out the most remote and isolated place to sit, to be away from people, especially those with shrieking, misbehaving kids. When I travel the words "shall we" or "let's" never pass my lips, I do what I want when I want, unless I'm with a tour, which isn't often. I plan for myself without having to refer to anyone else usually. I sometimes think getting involved with a guy might be interesting, but it doesn't take me long to realize that generally it wouldn't be that worth it.

I'm an only child who has lived by myself all of my adult life.

I've just started working remotely from home and that has allowed me to avoid forced social contact of horrible open space offices I've had to endure for the last few years.

I have friends I can spend time with, when I want to, but days, sometimes weeks go by without having to interact with people, it's great!

My dad actually asked me if I would consider becoming a monk.

I had a friend who was very surprised that I didn't have framed pictures of my friends and family members all around.

WhutEVuh! Ah do what ah want!

Even as a small child, I was intensely shy, but I did like playing with other children given the chance. As a teen, I was bullied relentlessly for being ugly. I was also holding a secret about myself that I didn't fully understand. It made me keep to myself. Now that I'm older, I like to be alone. Even when I'm going to go see a friend I know is kind and trustworthy, I still feel anxious leading up to the visit. My friendships aren't deep, and they fade easily. I feel like I don't understand other people, and they don't understand me. When I'm making friendly small talk, I feel like I'm "acting" at being social. At this point in my life, I enjoy being alone. I like to use the time to exercise, walk in nature, practice playing an instrument, and learning other types of art. I sometimes feel bad about this, because apparently humans are supposed to be social. "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world". My mother was very upset by my being a loner; I think maybe she thinks she was a failure as a parent. I feel like a lego block without prongs, making it impossible to connect with the other blocks. But I really don't mind it so much.

For years I took pride in the fact that I was a loner. Now I realize that people just don't want to be with me. I guess I was just making up excuses for the fact that people do not care about me.

My Grandma - who was my only friend for most of my life - set me up on a "playdate" with a kid that lived in her neighborhood. We just both sat there in silence.

[quote] When I'm making friendly small talk, I feel like I'm "acting" at being social.

So much this R12 - small talk is so boring and drains me. Other than a few friends with whom I have easy conversations with, time trying to interact with others is taxing; I don't want to talk about myself with strangers and I couldn't care less about them.

Another only child with no family living alone and making my way in the world on my own. I've never really felt the need for interaction or companionship because I'm happy with my own company. Sharing a domicile with someone would be intrusive and wearing. I've travelled several times with others and the experiences were not enjoyable, so now I travel solo. Pleasant exchanges and interesting conversations are always welcome and easy, but in the end, I need my space. Alone.

Chrissy Metz said in an interview recently, "I just think as a person, as a human being, I just need to live by myself."

"Loners can be confidant that they'll always be in good company. "

"I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly." Oscar Wilde

I’m definitely a loner and always have been. Growing up I can remember even at 4 or 5 wanting to play alone rather than with other kids. I’ve never felt lonely in my own company. I have a few close friends whose company I prefer to being alone but I’d rather be alone than hang out with just anybody.

I had 2 weeks off from work last year, and realized how much of a loner and creature of habit I am. I would go to the gym, stop at the store and get whatever I need for that day and would spend the rest of the day by myself.

I'm always caught off guard when someone asks what my plans are for the weekend and none of them include other people.

R22 Or what I'm "doing for the holidays". "Staying at home with a good book" usually elicits an invitation or a response of pity. I simply smile and say "Thanx for your kindness, but no".

I don’t really feel emotions toward people, so it’s difficult to create bonds. If I’m not sexually attracted to a person or they can’t make me money in some way, I struggle to feel any type of connection. I dont mind conversation, but altering my life for someone seems impossible. And completely pointless.

A holiday is a great day to celebrate being alone. You realize how few days there are when you don't feel any obligation to spend money and run errands. It's much more enjoyable than being at someone's house spending a major holiday making awkward small talk about your job with people you don't even know.

I am the exact opposite - I think because I had no socially engaged friends in junior high - I would have my face pressed against the glass watching my neighbor Scott's house while he had parties - I felt so alone - as an married adult I have to have something to do every Saturday night and even better if Friday night and Sunday are booked as well. I love meeting people and love connecting with people who are younger. Sometimes I wish I was happy being alone.

[quote] making awkward small talk about your job with people you don't even know.

THIS!!! Yes!!

The only people I miss are my Dad and my Grandma who died within the last 5 Years. Other than them, I only miss my dogs and former residences.

Doing Myers Briggs (INTP) by accident in my late 20s changed my life dramatically because I always thought I was fucked up because I was into ideas and learning and more solitary than social. It didn't help having a father who probably despised me and set me up as the scapegoat to deflect from his and my mother's alcoholism.

This book was also a big help.

SPD! It's the racer's edge! Raise your hand if you've been diagnosed.

What R24 said.

YES!!!!!!

Yes. Mr dream is to won loteery and love on a full floor penthouse apt in nyc with the beat sound proofing money can buy.

R24 = Meghan Markle

A loner at home. I have different groups if friends with whom I visit. I’m with R6 and R7. I often travel and vacation alone. Eating alone can be hard, but I will eat at a restaurant bar, people will always talk with each other at the bar. Sometimes I will find a sex partner on my travels, sometimes not. I’ve gotten used to and enjoyed hotel sex. Most of the guys I’ve meet online, others are fuck buddies I’ve known for a few years. I prefer it this way.

It wasn't until I turned 40 that I fully accepted that I have a solitary nature. Even in the weeks leading up to my 40th birthday, I went out during the week, which I normally wouldn't do since it turns me into a zombie the next day. As if I was going to find "my tribe," my social circle that had eluded me all of these years.

R32 NO. DOUBT.

R35 yay! H five

[quote] As if I was going to find "my tribe," my social circle that had eluded me all of these years.

But you did R35. And here we are.

Cruise for DL loners!

R39 I think that cruise would get very anonymously sexual between midnight and 3am

R40 nah. I dont hookup. I want my bed to mahself!

I guess I'm a loner, and usually haven't minded it too much, but now that I'm retired I find myself lapsing into laziness and staying at home watching TV or reading for several days in a row. I think I need to find ways to force myself to do more things. I do attend a lot of theater (alone) and travel (also alone), but there are still a lot of empty, "wasted" days. And when you get older, you start to realize that you might not have that many days left.

I love my time alone. I just wonder if at some point - like 75 - it will turn into loneliness. Everyone says how lonely it is when you’re old. But since I was a kid - like 5-6- I only wante to ever be alone. I’m 49 and have made a life that allows me to be alone - except for the 50 hours of work every week. But fear the “horror” of loneliness that it seems every old person warns against.

I grew up in a house that was never quiet or still. So when I moved out I decided to keep my space as quiet as possible.

Photographs? I have an unfortunate looking family.

I only worry about being a loner when there's a report of some serial killer at large.

R43 do you fuck or get fucked? 😜

I grew up surrounded by family.As an adult many friends. Never alone. Message machine chock a block. My partner of 23 yrs died five years ago. I seem to attend a funeral every month. When the phone rings it's the Neptune Society. I looked around at 58yr and everyone fucking vanished. I'm ALONE for the first time in my life. I'm scared. Perhaps if I had been a "loner" all my life it would no be so bad. You can't miss what you never had. Perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.

I'm a single gay man, good looking and young. I am clean cut, dress well and don't ever take alcohol or drugs. People are often surprised to learn that I've never been in a relationship.

In my experience, gay men are generally not interested in friendship and only want sex. I'm promptly shunned if they don't get what they want. (It once happened to me by a couple who wanted a ménage à trois.) They often remain distant in order not to make their lovers jealous or are resentful if I'm not attracted to them. Some people are also intimidated by me.

I'm not really interested in straight people because they are usually are just as self-absorbed as anyone else and I have no interest in being a woman's personal assistant. I'd like to have gay friends but seem to be looked at as "the town tramp". I'm a loner I suppose but not by choice.

I'm the last of 10 kids, you better believe I'm a loner. I'm truly offended if my 85/89 year old parents call me anytime, but Sunday.

[quote] For years I took pride in the fact that I was a loner. Now I realize that people just don't want to be with me. I guess I was just making up excuses for the fact that people do not care about me.

Coming to that realization. I haven't figured out why but I've always had trouble maintaining friendships with other people, especially other gay men. I used to think it was me or something I was doing. But now I don't know. I am not a "loner" by choice but maybe by design. Even my mother taunted me when I was young for my inability to form friendships --and she may have been the root of my problem. So it's not been easy.

I have to learn not to care and be content on my own.

I crave to have a good friend. I’m alone and do not enjoy it.

People in general I find annoying, I can only take them in small doses. I do like to people watch, but that is pretty much the limit of my interaction and I am fine with that. I am a non-effeminate gay male but for some weird reason women are drawn to me. Women I don't know will strike up conversations with me in stores, which annoys me to no end. I am pretty much invisible to most males, gay or straight. If they bother to look in my direction, it is like they see right through me. Retirement is awesome, very little human interaction.

I had a landlord say to me after noticing I usually spent most of my time alone, "You know, it's good to have someone to bounce ideas off of."

Thank you OP for starting this thread and all those that have posted. For the first time I feel normal about being a loner. I've been a loner all my life. I was involved in sports in elementary school, but didn't want to hang out with my teammates. I've never had close friendships and even romantic relationships seemed to be an intrusion into my space. The world is too loud for me; I like quiet.

I have always been an extreme introvert and was often punished for it, especially as a kid when my parents wanted a scapegoat to distract them from their own issues. I view my introversion the same way I view my sexual orientation- something to be accepted as part of who I really am, even if others did not approve of it. My biggest worry is what to do when getting close to a point where I am too old and physically frail to take care of myself-I'm in my 30s now, but it is something I wonder about in the future. I wouldn't want to end up trapped in an unhappy relationship just because I wanted to avoid growing old alone.

I expect to be single

All the days of my life.

Kill urself when u old, easy!

This has got to be the most fascinating and informative thread in forever. I’m a true introvert but I go through life faking it. I can turn it on and pretend to be a social butterfly at corporate functions, family gatherings, and neighborhood block parties but it’s all an exhausting facade. In the last few years I’ve grown tired of it and have slowly but graciously removed myself whenever possible from tiresome and frankly boring social events. I’m happy to see family and friends in smaller more intimate settings but I really don’t go out of my way to engage them and invite them to do anything on a regular basis.

I'm not a loner I just fucking hate most people. And when I say most I mean 99.9% of them.

Thank you for the thread OP.

The "community" or "tribe" for introverts or loners by design or via circumstance or accident is by its very nature an oxymoronic concept unfortunately.

Online succour in some forum or other helpsbut doesn't always cut it.

I’m an introvert, but I’m practicing being more social. My idea of friendship has changed over the years. I used to think of friends as a type of family, with deep bonds that last a long time and through adversity.

In fact, for most people, even the closest friendships are transient. People change, move, die. Expecting real emotional fulfillment from friends puts an unfair burden on that type of relationship.

Enjoy people without expecting too much. Interacting with others is exercise for the mind, you need it to stay healthy. It’s ok to keep it light. It’s a distraction with some benefits, like reading.

Thinking about friends this way allowed me to open up and have more fun.

Happy loner, here.

I have 2 close life long friends. That is enough for me. If I’m not interacting with them it’s just me and my dog. Can’t wait to retire soon so I don’t have to deal with anyone else and my days are my own.

I just need one of these and I’m all set.

Since retiring at 50, I have breakfast with the three friends each weekday, then I choose to be alone for the rest of the day., Enjoying going to the theater and travelling by myself. Can't be bothered putting up with other people's craziness. The more I meet people, the more I love my two cats.

I've been a loner my entire life. I was an only child born of two only children. So no relatives other than my parents. Had one friend and even him I could just take so much of before I left him watching TV while I went to my room for some peace and quite.

By age 9 I was going all over NYC by myself, not playground stuff but the theater, fine restaurants, department stores and museums and just about everything there is to do in NYC. I even went to any doctor/dentist appointments on my own, the doctor of course would check with my parents before he gave actually treated me. I found it degrading to be taken to a doctor as if I could not get there on my own.

I was never really a child, just one of those odd duck kids. I was basically an adult most of my life.

I'm now in my 60s and I'm still a loner and enjoy my own company much more than the company of others. I still shop, eat out, and do whatever there is to do on my own. I'm not in great physical shape so it's harder for me to get around and money is tighter so I don't do as much as I used to, but I do alright.

My biggest fear is ending up in a nursing home where I will never be alone again, not to mention the horror of nursing home care, since I have no family to check up on me, I'd be a sitting duck.

I'm a loner, Dottie - a rebel.

I used to be a social butterfly most of my life but in the past 10 years or so I've really turned into a homebody. I didn't leave my house all weekend and it was blissful.

Those loner office workers among us are gearing up for another Monday with the many dreaded "so, what did you do this weekend?" questions we need to quickly get past before the "big plans for the weekend?" that will come a few days later.

Wow, the world really isn't made for us introvert/loners, is it?

I'm an introvert, and most of the time prefer being alone, simply because I don't have the energy to play the social game. I have social anxiety, and the unspoken expectations--perceived or real--that come with in-person interactions is just too much sometimes. In the real world, I feel like all our social norms and rules for connecting with others are extrovert-centric. You have to be "on" constantly, and it becomes so draining to weed through all that before you get to any semblance of genuineness. Add being gay on top of that, and it becomes even more challenging.

But I don't want to be utterly alone my entire life. Being introverted doesn't mean I'm completely anti-social. My ratio of alone time is just higher compared to the average person. Yet, it's so hard to find similar-minded introverts who inherently understand this.

Biggest challenge is modern work life. At least in my field, I have to be with people 10 hours a day - mostly out of town. THEN they want to go have dinner! Finally at 48 I’m begging off dinner as much as possible - but it’s seen as violently anti social. But after 10 hours of extreme stress of social interaction, I’m fried. And honestly after 20 years of this, I’m just generally burnt out, anxious and miserable in my job. But too late to do something else that will make enough money to even hope to retire from the rat race by early 60s. I’m so envious of extroverts - work is so much easier if you aren’t stressed just by being around people.

At my core, I am a loner. I treasure the time I get to spend with myself.

Work entails constant interaction with colleagues, my staff, and dozens of "clients" each day. It is great, but I appreciate a canceled meeting or the rare afternoon with no interruptions. My commute is about an hour each way, so I get to be alone with myself.

I am married and we have a 7-year old daughter, so home life is active. My husband travels a lot for work and feels tremendously guilty for leaving me as a single parent for a 7-10 days every month. I let him feel guilty, but I secretly love it. I get an hour alone in the morning, a couple hours at night, and the bed to myself (and the dog). One week a year I fly home alone to visit with friends and family. I stay at a hotel and clandestinely spend all my time by myself. It recharges me.

I grew up in a cramped, cracker box house with five other people. my immediate family, who for the most part I couldn't stand. You're damn right I'm a loner! I think it's wonderful to be alone, to do whatever you want to do and not have to answer to anybody. If I want company I'll go seek it, but mostly I just like being in my own company. It suits me just fine.

Yes. I learned at a very early age that people are nothing but a source of misery. Once I was in control of my own life and could keep everyone at a distance, I became much much happier.

No, I'm not. As Polonius said, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

I used to be a loner. But I was shocked into how it feels to be invisible to those around you when I went through something traumatic and had almost no one to turn to for comfort. Now I make an effort to overcome my social dysfunctions and keep up with a few friends whom I have grown to love.

I'm the oldest of five kids. We grew up lower working class and had a lot of struggles. We had to move a lot and many times, I had to share a bedroom with another sibling. I'm very independent and love doing things by myself. I go to movies mostly by myself, and travel. I have gone to concerts solo but much prefer that experience with friends. I guess I could say that I enjoy being by myself 70% of the time and 30% of the time, I would love to have someone with me. I'm a loner, but not a hermit and I do enjoy engaging with other people - I just really like my ME time.

R60, yes, it's paradoxical, a thread on which loners feel validated by hearing from other loners. And of course there is the distinction between being alone and being lonely, although there can be an overlap.

R50, that question as to whether or not one is alone by choice. Sometimes I think that loners unconsciously give the signal that they want to be alone, and others pick up on that and leave them alone. Then the loner feels unlovable, etc.

I could have written most of R66's post. Amazing!

I always thought people didn’t like me because I was gay, but I think I’m just weird/ strange/ odd. I was ostracized terribly growing up by other kids in school for this and it really has effected me. I am so comfortable doing most things alone that it’s like a duck to water. I would like to gain some friends, but I just think they will hurt me or betray me st some point, so why bother. It’s funny, when I go see movies, if it’s a popular one, I will purchase the seat next to me so that I don’t have to deal with another person sitting next to me. I splurged and bought four seats in the back row for Infinity War and it was fucking heaven. As long as I have my phone, eating alone in public is no issue. I have close family members I see fairly regularly so that helps me be somewhat more social. Straight people and their kids are so fucking annoying. Maybe things will change in the years ahead. I’m 46. If not, I am used to being a loner like the back of my hand. I do thank you all for this thread. As alone as I am, I’m not, so to speak.

I would also like to add that gay men are just plain mean. If you don’t tow the liberal line in your thinking, you are treated like a leper. That’s not right. And it’s not fair. And it hurts. I have empathy for minorities and all that shit, I’m just not a bleeding heart about it and it doesn’t consume my every thought. Being gay has contributed to me being s loner in many, many ways.

Now, Lindsey, it's not that we don't like you because of your politics. We don't like you because you're you.

R82, you’re proving my point.

Happy to oblige!

"People who keep to themselves are generally left to themselves."

I'm 35 and have met 4 or 5 people who's company didn't make me feel exhausted.

R80 I feel you, never was part of a group in high school (jocks, nerds, emo, girls). I used to think about how they conected so well, i just dont felt welcome anywhere, my only friend was a straight guy, until today, he is my (only) best friend.

R81 wishes he were straight.

[quote] [R50], that question as to whether or not one is alone by choice. Sometimes I think that loners unconsciously give the signal that they want to be alone, and others pick up on that and leave them alone. Then the loner feels unlovable, etc.

That makes sense. I was stigmatized early on (by Mother Dearest) for wanting to be alone and not making (or desiring to make) friends. Oddly, she was the same way, very introverted with few friends, and little desire to make friends. So I carried that shame into every attempt to make friends and I have not had success. I honestly do not know if I want to be alone, I only know that it is less stressful to be alone. And yes, I do have horrible socially anxiety that makes interacting with people terrible. But I also feel bad when I discover that I was excluded from social outings. I have issues. Thanks, Mom!

[quote] [R82], you’re proving my point.

No. Your comment is incongruous with the rest of this discussion, r81. You're attempting stealth political commentary. Loners don't have time for people-bullshit.

I’ve analyzed what causes my social anxiety and how to treat it. Mainly CBT. But despite years of practice, it stil is easier to just be alone. I struggle to overcome it in order to work - which is critical. But it is always draining to be with others - even after years of treatment.

I struggle to distinguish what is social anxiety (wrapped up with negative self-criticism, low self esteem and assuming others think bad things) vs what is a natural inclination to be alone. I don’t want dysfunctional thinking to stop me from living a full life. But sometimes I think it would be easier to give in and move far away from people and just be in nature (but then I I think of Ted Kaczynski - and fear it just may be giving in to mental health issues)

I was going to say yes but I’m not sure. I’m an independent only child who has more often than not lived alone. I’ve had a free, adventurous life where I have several acquaintances in different states and a series of rocky relationships. I do enjoy meeting people but keep them at distance. Though I am always connected online one way or another. I was an AOL brat from age 16 to 20, discovering the joys of virtual chatting while staying physically in my own world.

I’m currently late 30’s, single, no kids, and while I’m soo comfortable doing many things alone and prefer it many times - I long for a partner now. Just that one person. Getting older, I’m worried my introverted ways are taking over. I would describe myself as currently a bit lost. I think my downfall is holding onto unhealthy people because it’s so rare I feel a spark or connection that is strong enough to pull me out of introversion.

I can so relate to “hyper aggressive social work environment” — it’s one reason I’ve struggled career wise. Overwhelmed, quit jobs. Used to work in public relations doing flashy things but it was so taxing, I put that behind me, now stuck in odd jobs. Although over time I’ve learned what I can and can’t handle, for sure.

I could say a lot more. This thread is timely for me and if I had a “tribe” I think you people would be a part of it.

Hi, Aunt Tammy at R81!

I prefer to state I am independent. Loner has negative connotations, especially in the media, Unabomber, etc. R92, check this.

The wealth of subjects that are part of het mainstream and increasingly gay mainstream social conversation that, as an only child and not interested in kids or pairing up, I have neither experience with nor interest in to the point that I often think to myself "what the fuck am I doing here with these people. I could be home doing something far more interesting".

I think the terms "loner" and "introvert" have bad connotations attached to them. Even in elementary school, I thought of myself as a "solo act." I was a voracious reader and still am, which I firmly believe planted the groundwork for what I think of as a very healthy "life of the mind" which has served me well to this day. I was bright, got good grades and was outspoken and intellectually curious in my classes, which led to friendships. However I tended to engage publicly rather than personally, which led to my becoming things like the editor of the school paper, literary magazine and yearbook, all in the same year. People seemed to want my thoughts and opinions rather than more personal connections, which was fine with me. Throughout my long career in nursing, and without a great deal of effort, I kept getting promotions and management positions, many of which involved teaching, public speaking, and solo business travel. Some of my career success I attribute to not having a partner, (much less children!) although I was only required to relocate once, for a much higher salary. I was lucky enough to be able to maintain distance from the people I supervised and taught, but was considered a very good manager because I was a no bullshit, strictly get the job done type (no potlucks or ridiculous team building exercises for me, thanks!)

I did have a circle of friends in what I consider a lost golden age of gay life, from the early 70s to the early 90s) and truly enjoyed my partying years, but again, as more of an observer - time, distance and HIV brought that period to a close.

The poster upthread who said retirement is awesome is right on point. (see the very good "retirement" thread, in which I posted some of this bio). I have three siblings and four nieces and nephews whose company I enjoy on holidays (especially my straight single brother, who had enormous career and financial success and is now retired as well). I have been retired for nearly 4 years and do not feel lonely or deprived at all. My house is paid off and I don't owe anyone a dime. I am far from wealthy but live comfortably and securely. And I did it all myself! I do not berate myself because I "should be doing more" - I think this is the biggest mental trap retirees can fall into. I worked for decades in health care, a difficult field which has only gotten more complex and problematic, and I deserve to relax, practice self care and do exactly what I want whenever I want. And I still read, over 200 books a year.

Am I a "loner"? An "introvert?" I don't think so. I have had a rich, full and varied life and I'm glad I lived during the eras I did. I am 67 and thankfully in reasonably good health, however if I died this afternoon I think I would be okay with it. If I die twenty years from now, I would be okay with that too. I have always been, and will always be, my own "best friend" and am proud of my self reliance and the life I built for myself.

Sorry for the long monologue, however this is a subject I (clearly) really warm up to.

Most of my longtime friends have moved away and I don't l enjoy those friendships filtered through social media. I had a couple close gay friends locally, but was kicked to the curb once a more "cool" gay friend came into the fold. This really hurt my self esteem especially since this was a 20+ year friendship. Completely disappointing, but the longer I am out of the loop the more I don't miss those friends. I tend to keep to myself these days. I'd meet new people if I could but I'm in LA in an area where there isn't much gay social life and the 2 hour drive across town discourages me. I'm the type of guy who just likes to hang out and watch a movie with a couple friends rather than go out and be around a bunch of loud people.

The good thing about NYC is you can be a loner without feeling lonely. I find when I’m in the country, my loner tendencies start to become unhealthy (too much internet, TV, rumination). But in NYC, I can just go for a walk, absorb the world and feel part of it - but no need to interact. Sometimes I’ll go to a bar and may randomly strike up conversation - which can fill my capacity for social interaction for the week. There is no pressure to interact in the city - but it’s available in small increments to help take myself out of my head if necessary.

R13, that's a story you're telling yourself. If you're not happy being alone, change it. If you were really a true loner, you'd be happy with that. True loners are good people with clearly defined boundaries, loyalty, and self-awareness. Even if you're not happy, these traits tend to come out when you spend a good deal of time with yourself. Cherish that self-awareness and cultivate it. If you are aware of negativity, work on that.

There are clubs, support groups, etc. where you can meet new people. To have a friend, you must be a friend. With all the billions of people in the world, you can surely find someone who will care.

I'm a loner and I love it. The only difficulty I find in relating to people, generally, is that I have a finally honed bullshit meter in face to face situations. I have to make sure to regulate both verbal and physical reactions in these cases. I also have to make sure I don't get all 'honest' with people and just blurt things out.

R92 - I am in the exact same position. Late 30s, single, no kids, been totally fine being alone my whole life, but as 40 creeps ever closer, I do yearn for a partner. Like you said, just that one person. I don't need friends, but having just one person to come home to and share a life with (meals, movies, travel, etc.), is all I want.

Had I known when I was younger how much harder it would be to connect with people as you get older--especially as an introvert--I might have tried harder to put myself out there.

Too bad there's no social dating site specifically for gay introverts like us.

I'm a loner but I also have a life partner who is also a loner we don't live together but spend time together each week. It has turned out to be a perfect arrangement. We do prefer to travel together.

Being an introvert is part of it, but after reading one if those "Men are Mars, Women are Venus" which talked about one problem straight couples have when the woman stays home all day. When hubbie gets home, she's all jazzed that now she has someone to talk to and to take her out on the town. Husband, on the other hand, has been running around all day, dealing with people, and wants only to sit down to a quiet meal and then sit on the couch and watch TV.

Much tension in many marriages due to this, and the guy might not even be an introvert, just tired.

I am an only child. As a child I hated being alone. But as an adult I love being alone. Sometimes I am lonely. A great deal of the time I am free. Free to play with my dog, read a book without interruption, listen to music, sleep. I have very close friends. I go out on different occasions. I never turn down an invitation because the people I love I really love. I love one on one conversations. But being an only child only served to create interest in things that a person can only do well alone. If I met a man with some grace, wit, and true kindness I would make room for him. But I find, like one of the other posters, that gay men can't just be friends and they are always sexual. I am also not a people person because I don't suffer fools gladly. I am an attorney. I come into contact with too many unthinking, and obtuse people to ever want their company for more than a minute. And I hate to have to turn myself on- to watch what I say, to be polite, to act concerned about the frivolous lives of others who I see yearn for external consideration. I hate how self absorbed people can be. Being alone has given me more time to figure out who I am, and what I want to share. I love taking the mask off and just being alone.

The stereotype of a loner is a person in the basement eating a sub or pizza and masturbating to porn while posting fat on the DL. They have no idea.

R98 good points and why NYC suited me in that way.

I love R98's post. It reminded me of my younger days at college and how easy it was to disappear in a big city while surrounded all the time with humanity.

I'm so glad I opened up DL today and found this thread. I'm happy with being alone, and I really only desire the companionship of my husband. He is an introvert and a loner, and we love our alone-ness together. We rarely socialize, and when we do it is almost exclusively with his sister and her family. That is about all I can stand. We even travel with them, and we have a blast. She understands us.

My family all but enforced my natural introversion, with a shrill and demanding narcissist of a mother, an emotionally unavailable alcoholic for a father, and two much older, very cruel brothers. I was also relentlessly bullied at school. I would have been a basket case if I wasn't content with my own company exclusively.

One of the reasons I chose a career in IT is because computers are not socially demanding. I detest meetings and work-related social gatherings. I don't give a shit if Bill got his Windows certification; I refuse to go to Applebee's with "the gang". And, so what if that uptight little bitch in HR is having another baby; here's five bucks for the stroller fund. Secret Santa? Include me out.

My perfect weekend is me sitting on the couch reading a book and tending to our three aged pups, while my husband putters in the yard. Wonderful!

That's a great life you set up for yourself, R108. It's great to see so many happy loners on this thread.

I've always thought an ideal relationship for me would be meeting a few times a month, and keeping it very low maintenance.

R100 that’s me too.

Thank you, R109. I do have a pretty nice life now. I hope you are the same. :-)

I'm doing fine. Dealing with some writer's block, but it will pass.

So many introverts/loners relate some form of bullying as children. I was that quiet kid who only took so much and then fought back. Still, it would have been nice to have been left alone.

I am very grateful I missed all the 'grouping' that the public schools imposed on kids. I always did well in a self-directed environment. Many of the kids I encountered in the honors classes were predominantly loners. The anxiety of being forced into 'activities' so I would be 'socialized' was also incredibly difficult to deal with until I was able to start a physical practice of my own (running, yoga). Until then, I chose individualized sports, swimming or cross country, to appease my parents. My mother, just before she died, apologized and told me she thought she was doing the right thing until she saw me throwing up before meets and then told me about her own anxieties around being a loner.

Best of luck with your writer's block, R113. My condolences about your mom. I'm also sorry to hear about your childhood anxiety; it must have been difficult. I'm glad you are doing well now.

Question for my fellow loners: how did you manage lunch in junior and high school? It was torture for me. I refused to eat and risk sitting alone and get mocked, so instead I went to the library until it was over. Got to know the librarians and I think they knew what was up, they kindly gave me things to do like reshelving books. Eventually they invited me eat my lunch in the back.

God, that was a miserable, lonely time in my life. Miracle I never committed suicide. But I wish I could let those librarians know today how grateful I am.

For those of you worried that old age is bad to be a loner. If you are a loner then old age is no different. It is not lonely to be old if you are a loner. I am a loner and a person who never gets lonely and now that I am 68 I am still not lonely. People who are lonely in old age were generally social people in the first place. Old age is bad for many because they start losing people to death. It is harder to get out and make friends when you are old.

viva la loners !!!

its the kool way to be. do ur own thing, be in control of ur day/life, have some doggies and enjoy each days blessings.

chitty chat s sooooooo boring and useless

so I could be a loner, I'm 70, cause of that fukker who bullied me thru jr high?

ide like to cut his nuts off.

but I think its more than just than, its in my dna: don't enjoy most folks: boring dweebs , I love brilliant thinkers tho, and my kittys!

R66 & R79, I'm your third Musketeer. Have three friends in this world, all older, and don't even allow myself to think what will happen if they die (which by the law of averages says they will) before I do. Have absolutely no other support system, the result of living my entire life the way I wanted ... basically, alone.

Thank god for books and media.

Losing a pet when you're a loner is much harder than it is for other people who live with family or have an active social life. Sometimes a pet is the only one who ever comes into your home, spends weekends with you, sees you naked all the time, take naps with you, spends holidays with you.

R105, not that there's anything wrong with that!

Nope, there's isn't! It's just the view of the DL, in my experience.

Libraries were my haven. I loved the silence and all the books to choose from. I still adore libraries and will haunt them in whatever city I visit or live in. I've kept a collection of library cards from all over the world.

I've noticed that a lot of people posting on this thread also have some social anxiety. I never really had that problem in normal situations, but it kicked in with a vengeance when I was forced to work with a group or if I had to deal with a difficult person. I like to think that my introversion is less about anxiety and more that I just find my own company fun. Being lonely is usually remedied by getting involved in something new to learn. There is not enough time in the day for the curious.

I'm a born loner, but I don't generally feel lonely. I'm actually a rather affable old man, and easily make small talk with strangers. But intimacy is really difficult for me and social occasions are a huge source of dread. I have a number of good friends who are completely understanding of that: I'm very lucky in that way. They'll make plans for lunch with me, and we'll have a great time, but they know not to invite me to parties, since they know that few things would stress me out more than a party. I'm an honest and sincere friend to the people who I have in my life, and I think they know it. But I don't need to have people in my life every day. I need my down-time.

"Libraries were my haven. I loved the silence. .."

Well good luck with that nowadays.

Thanks, R124, but it doesn't at all. As a loner, I realize that these people are being ignored and marginalized. I see them for the human beings they are. If they also find haven in the library, I'm glad for it. The noisy are fine with me. I can always leave and be at home by myself. NBD They're still pretty good the majority of the time.

*it doesn't MATTER at all*

I wasn't a loner when I was young. I thrived on going and doing with people. Now I'm 65 years old and retired for 11 years and since retirement I've slowly gotten to the point I really like to be alone. I'm noise sensitive and I prefer peace and quiet. I can't have that with groups of people around yakking all the time. If I get lonesome for interaction with others I have people to visit with or to visit me. Otherwise I'm perfectly happy to go for many days without having to speak to another soul.

Just call me, Miss Anthrope, bitches!

Loners unite! Let is go on a high class quiet cruise! Everyone gets their own room, no roomies!😍

I like it, R129. Not a big, ugly boat, either. A Danube cruise perhaps? I've always wanted to go.

By nature I am not. I enjoy socializing, seeing people, hang out, etc. I enjoy family get togethers and nights out with friends. But the social situations I've endured over the last few years have necessitated going into a hibernation of sorts. I have found that solitude has made my life a lot easier since entering my 30s. For the past 5 or 6 years, I have made very few good friends that I've developed solid platonic relationships with, primarily because I find myself very disinterested in popular culture generally. I don't enjoy most mainstream film and don't follow celebrities. I find the people who hang out in the bar culture to be the types that stay up on things like current events and fashion, which now largely bore me. Thus, I don't really find myself having much in common with most people.

I think that may be part of the loner mystique, R131. We tend to get bored easily with the banal. I love classical music and some ethnic folk stuff. Popularized music, media, and film are pretty superficial.

You've punched your cruise ticket, R131. What's your preferred destination?

Rules for the Cruise: there are none. We trust the overall civility and self regulation of loners.

[quote]Libraries were my haven. I loved the silence and all the books to choose from. I still adore libraries and will haunt them in whatever city I visit or live in. I've kept a collection of library cards from all over the world.

There should be a word for people who love libraries. They're one of the greatest human inventions, a place where I can be guaranteed to feel good, no matter how shitty everything else is. A refuge. When I had to switch high schools for my junior year I spent most of my lunch hours in the library. Immersing myself in the vast reservoir of human knowledge and history kept me from giving a shit what other people thought about me, and I still feel that way.

R131: I can relate a lot to what you shared, especially about popular culture. There are very few current movies that interest me and I've not bought a new album from a singer in years.

Also, gay bars hold very little interest for me now. Younger people don't seem to be too good looking anymore. Grunge has returned with a vengeance.

Great thread. I too enjoy my time alone. I am married but he is a loner too. Weeks go by and few words are exchanged between us. Other people are so exhausting. I just prefer my time alone.

[quote]There should be a word for people who love libraries.

Bibliophile comes close.

Another cruise suggestion: French canals, Paris to Marseilles. Single seating at meals. Those who want company can play musical tables.

OMG I experienced the loner’s nightmare when traveling Europe when I was younger. I guess it’s customary to seat single diners together? At least they did to me most of the places I visited. So fucking awkward to be seated directly across a complete stranger, either forced to make small talk or dine in silence while trying to eat as fast as you can so you can escape that hell.

My siblings and cousins were much older than me, so I innately found things to do myself and keep myself occupied as a kid. Being alone is so normal for me. I was another one who spent most of my school years in the library during lunch.

At work, I am a social butterfly and I have to be friendly with tons coworkers and clients because its good for business. On the weekends, I completely retreat so I can recharge myself. Most of the time I don't answer my phone or respond to texts. They ask me out to all kinds of things and I always create some creative excuse. My colleagues sometimes are puzzled. I am a closeted loner if you haven't figured it out!

I’m a rare female loner in my 20s. I enjoy it and don’t get down on myself for it, but I have recently began worrying myself sick about my middle-age if this continues. My only sibling is a social butterfly with a ton of lifelong loyal friends and she is waiting to get married and have kids, so I know that if or when my parents health should fail it will likely fall to me to look after them. I despise my parents but we come from a lowincome background (well, my father does) and they don’t have big pensions. I can’t stand the thought of being their carer because I’m the one with “no commitments” and honestly I’d consider drastic measures to get out of that responsibility. However, maintaining a social life is physically painful to me. Had I better survival skills I’d take off into the woods and never come back, like in that Emile Hirsh movie.

Realized that I am an introvert after I got sober. I drank because I couldn't deal with people especially crowds of them without having alcohol to lean on during and after lots of human interaction. I mworked part time in a gay bar and always thought that it was all me when it came to challenges with human interaction. I told my therapist this and he asked me several questions and said basically that I did have social anxiety disorder like I thought, but that I was merely introverted. All that meant was that I didn't draw energy from lots of socializing like others...and that there wasn't anything wrong with that. Maybe we're overdiagnosing SAD?

It's really possible, R141, re: SAD. Introversion/loner tendencies are seen as a negative thing in this culture. May as well slap a label on it to complete the job.

And R142, give big pharma a reason to exploit people by telling them that they have a problem and need pills to fix it!

This is sadly true, R143. I've never seen the need, but then I read a lot and know a bit more about that family of drugs and how little medical science knows about how they work. No thanks. It's easier to avoid the situations that bring on anxiety. No side effects!

Besides, it's nothing a good book wouldn't cure!

Junior High in general was hell on earth, R115, with lunchtime being a special circle all its own. We did not have a library at my junior high, and the teachers had orders to lock all the classrooms during lunch to keep the kids out. I guess kids were stealing stuff from the classrooms during lunch. So, I would tape the door lock open (I can't explain it right) so that I could sneak back into a classroom to eat in peace. It worked for a while, until a teacher saw me enter the classroom whose door I had taped up. There went that brilliant idea.

Junior high is a holding pen for animals and their victims. Mine was in a terrible part of town, and we were bused in. My bullies were all on the bus with me. It was complete torture. The bullies literally roved in packs during recess and lunch, and they looked for loners to pick on. I was terrified for high school, because these bullies would just grow bigger and stronger and meaner. After seventh grade, I couldn't take it anymore. I tested into a private school, and my parents stepped up and paid the tuition. Private school was bliss. We had a library to lose oneself in, and there was not a bully to be seen. They were not tolerated. I loved it! I'm getting teary-eyed just remembering the relief of finally being left alone!

Believe it or not, this is a good memory!

R146 great story! I, too, transferred to a private school and finally thrived because i was in a smaller setting with kids who didn't behave like animals.

I'm so glad you survived (and thrived!), too, R115!

It's really awkward to go to a wedding alone because every seat at the reception is accounted for and assigned.

I'm glad this thread was started I thought I was strange since I don't mind being alone in complete silence.

Peace from nervous suffering.

I have to have down time from people. A lot of loners are highly empathetic and will absorb the energy in the room. This isn't new agey stuff, but well documented science. We generate energy with our bodies that extends about 8 to 12 feet from us. Put a bunch of people in an enclosed space and that energy will affect everyone in the room. Though I enjoy people, I'm happiest sitting in my own, calm energy.

I prefer movies on my own, for sure.

I recently had neighbors move away that were the total opposite of me. There was never less than a dozen people coming and going there: hanging out, playing music, cooking out, kiddies screaming and crying, people trying to outtalk each other.

And then there was... me. Living alone in a small 2-story house with my cats. Chest-high hedge. Never sit on the porch. I garden a bit in the backyard.

When I'd exit the front door to leave they would all look at me like I was a ghost.

That's a great image, R154. Sorry they moved out because I was going to suggest you turn to them and yell 'boo'!

It's good to know that there are other who feel the same way. I just wish it were easier to meet more like-minded introverts.

We're organizing the cruise, R156. Single rooms, dining companions optional, tour guides for one.

And a well-stocked library.

I prefer peace, beauty, serenity, tranquility.

People suck

R157 R158 And a pianist and/or string quartet in the afternoon/early evening.

I used to be ridiculed for not being very social, but nowadays nobody talks or looks at each other. People are proudly antisocial, and will make sure you're aware of it.

Hell is other people!

Loners actually like people, they just prefer their own company.

I shouldn't make such blanket statements, sorry. What I meant to say was that not all loners have SAD, and not all people with SAD are natural loners.

R115 Your story brought back some unpleasant memories for me, as I didn't eat in the cafeteria often either. Junior High was fine for me, as I was moderately popular, and had people to eat with. High School was a completely different story, I'd get Suzy Q's and a coke from the vending machines, and then go to the library, where I'd sit in a carrell and do all my homework for the day, so I'd have nothing to do at home. Did that for basically all of my three years (our Junior H.S. went through 9th grade). I also remember nearly failing gym, wasn't good at dodgeball apparently, so I was allowed to go out to the school putting green, with a bucket of balls and golf clubs and just practive my drive, and putting, on my own, which was a nice diversion from the general misery of H.S..

I was working with a guy the other day who talked non-stop, and too close into my personal space. I kept looking at all of the empty, unused space and chairs in the room. It was completely exhausting being around him, and I could not imagine living with someone like that.

I won't say I'm a loner-the role was chosen for me (g)

Serious question for the people here working at home-what jobs (professions, sectors, etc.) are the best for that particular option? Are you obligated to a certain amount of 'in person' time? Or do you always work remotely? I'm not including marketing, day-trading and other risky options. Internet searches so far have proved fruitless, I usually wind up with a bunch of links to landing pages (sigh).

It's not my intention to hijack the thread, and I feel my query is relevant-we all have to make a living.

Unless someone wants something from you ( sex, money, a job) - they're usually not interested in what you have to say.

I was always a loner and I don't think it's a bad thing. It's a lot better than being someone who craves company and needs to talk all the time. My mother is like this and has no idea how off-putting it is to her neighbors and friends. Not knowing when to wrap the conversation up is a curse as you age.

Yes, I'm a loner. I would rather spend my time doing things I like than waste time with people doing things they want like watching a stupid movie or tv show, that I could care less about. I've never been a very social person.

R168 I work mostly remotely. I have to go to my customer's site once a month for meetings.

My job is maintaining and operating internet infrastructure equipment, (e.g. routers, switches, firewalls, wireless access points). All the hardware I'm responsible for is administered remotely. I worked in offices for most of my career and only recently came across this opportunity to be a full time employee for a company that contracts IT services to other companies.

I also work from home. I create and update a small company's catalogs / brochures and maintain their websites. I also translate their user manuals. I see my client three to four times a year. All our communications are through e-mail. It's great, but not enough to make as much as I would like and I have the hardest time finding other clients. I'm 35.

I'm an only child and grew up in a rural area without a lot of other kids my age so I've been a loner since almost day 1. Then as I got older, I realized that I really get annoyed at having to deal with other's people's nonsense. So I live alone, travel alone, eat alone, and will probably die alone. But I'm good with that.

I work from home as well. I'm a loner in some ways but have had parts of my life where I've been around more people than at the moment. An introvert who would like more friends, but I definitely value alone time.

I’ve never wanted to be a loner. I’m a very social person.

The weird thing is people generally don’t respond to me as a person. They don’t include me in their groups, and they don’t want to date.

So I’ve become a loner by default.

You're better off, R176. Those kind of people aren't worth the time.

Once you find your own tribe (or they find you), your outcome can be different. The key is to let you lead yourself and better connections may follow.

Agree R170 . My mother is an elderly extrovert and is exhausting. Has no sense or understanding of others need to be alone. As she’s gotten older, it’s a friggin nightmare because she can not deal with being alone. It’s made me hate dealing with her because she views her children’s desire to be alone as abandonment. I thank God I’m a loner. When I get old, I can deal with being alone and not drive other people crazy.

A hug to the solo individuals (not "loners") posting here and also to those who are not posting here.

You all are princes among basic hoi polloi.

Thanks for saying that, R179. This has been a very positive thread and indicative the thoughtfulness and kindness you typically find if you're fortunate to have a loner as a friend.

How do you let someone know, without sounding peevish, that you need to disengage and be alone? I've run into the occasional upset around it and I'd really prefer not to hurt anyone or make them feel as if I don't value them.

{R178} Thanks for the reply. It is a nightmare for me too. I dread phone calls because they go on forever and the weird thing is that it's ALL small talk. If I mention a problem at work, or a house I am thinking of buying I just a get a pat answer so she can get back to talking about what each of her freind's had at lunch today and the lovely waitress who had some distant connection to a town we once lived in.

A young couple with children moved next door and she was all up in their faces from day one. Now I notice they never invite her in or give her much beyond a friendly but distant wave. I don't blame them. She's ALWAYS trying to get them to talk and once you get her going she won't stop. They collected her mail for her while she was away and then she came home they just shoved it in her letterbox. She got angry because they didn't come and give her her mail in person and let her talk about her trip!

The real irony of all this is that if she kept it short and sweet her children wand pretty much everyone else would actually contact/visit her more. I've even tried explaining this to her but it's been to no avail.

I have three siblings very close in age, and I sort of get along with one of them. People are surprised when they find out that I grew up with members of my peer group, since I default to being shy and anti-social.

I had five loud and crazy siblings and often think it was because of them that I prefer being alone. Like you, people are surprised and don't believe I belong in that family. Unsurprisingly, we're not close. They've always been a bit miffed that I don't value and attend 'family' events the way they do.

The pathetic word "loner" grates....Fuck that.

Grace Jones said it for all time: "I'm the best form of entertainment I have!"

I wouldn't have it any other way.

R181 hope you have siblings. I have 3 and 10 nephews/nieces and it’s still not enough to keep her 83 year old ass constantly occupied - and now that kids are going to college, she absorbs even more of our time. Now she’s talking about how nice it will be when grandkids come home from college so they can spend time with her. Completely oblivious that people may have other things they would rather do - arghh

Great book for those of us who prefer the solo life.

Like many people here, I had some traumatic experiences growing up, but I've also been very ill. Dealing with people always exhausted me but now with limited energy I have little inclination to do so. I do like being social, in small doses, but I've never been good at fitting in. I think it's as R132 said: I get bored with the banal. (And, R132, you have good taste in music!) I'm lucky that some members of my immediate family are like me and we are close for that reason. I'm a woman and have just turned forty. I do still hope to have a partner/spouse who does not mind blessed silence. R181: she sounds just like my aunt. My introvert mother dreads her frequent phone calls.

(I hope it doesn't sound as if I think meanly of people; I don't, but there is huge pressure to conform in group situations and I find that annoying and off-putting.)

I honestly can't imagine sleeping in the same bed with someone else every night. I would be counting the days until they be going out of town or something and I'd have the bed to myself.

{R185} I only have one living brother and many years ago my mother did the smart things and called his then girlfriend/now wife a slut (for no good reason), so their children have had minimal contact with her and thus don't really have any relationship with her. She also had a tempestuous relationship with my now deceased sister and only one of daughters call her every couple of weeks or so, but that doesn't stop from sending flowers and leaving messages all the time. The other daughter used to call but found Mom too demanding and eventually pulled the plug on any contact with her.

It is really hard, and like you say, she takes any lack of contact as abandonment and seems incapable of seeing her role in any problems. She has said that now she's old that she's on the scrapheap, when it's got a lot less to do with her age an a lot more to do with her past actions and current neediness and inability to basically just shut up.

R183 You need to get you mother interested in a hobby. LOL!

I am a semi-loner.

My mom is a socialite, as is one of my brothers. When I was a kid, my mom used to berate me if I didn't socialize enough. I was a good kid, a reader, good at sports and I had a couple good friends, but it was never enough for her.

When I left home atc18, i was happy to never return.

I have a happy long-term partner and some close friends, but i like to be alone a lot.

My brother calls me every weekend with some bs reason to get together...we are in our 40s...and tells the extended family I am depressed if i say no.

I see extroverts as bullies who CANNOT stand to be alone because they are running from themselves.

R189, it'll be separate bedrooms for me and him/her, or some such arrangement.

My partner and I are both loners but we sleep together all the time. I find it difficult to sleep without him yet we can go an entire day together saying only "good morning","excuse me" or "pardon me" (we're Canadian) and not find that odd. There are times when we talk for hours, of course. Just not to other people.

I’m alone and hate it.

That's too bad, R195. It's not for everyone, and I hope you find happiness and people you can share your life with.

R195, take my cat. Please.

Great responses from the work-at-home folks, thank you.

Like many have mentioned here, my mom is getting to be a bit of a handful lately. She obsesses about the past, blames luck for her misfortunes, constantly compares life as it is with how it would (not, "might", mind you) have been if my sister hadn't died and she'd never had me. She has no concept of personal space, or of privacy. Lately she's been talking to me as my father-fifty years dead, who she hated, and who I strongly resemble. My brother, who I've never been close to, shares a lot of her psychological iggies, and has a boatload of his own. Their mystical thinking sends me right up the wall.

I was always a shy kid, but I managed in spite the gregarious nature of the rest of the family-but there's that need for solitude, it can come upon you at any time-I can't count the number of times I was set upon by some relative or another because I'd taken a corner somewhere.."Reading again? Is that all you do?" "You're being rude-come back to the group". And my favorite, "Your brother's so nice, what's with you?"

For a period in my early thirties until my late forties, I ended up in a large circle of lovable oddballs. Then the cracks began to form. Two died of cancer, one hung herself from her D.C. apartment window, another was disfigured in a work-related accident and ran off to Shasta County to live off the grid. Two married and left the state (CA). The last one, the lynchpin of our merry band, is the only one I'm still close to, but she moved back to NY. Then last July, I had to put my doggie down. Or as I persist in seeing it, killed him.

Thankfully, I still have my oldest friend in the world, who has been through it all and won't stand for moping around or self-pity.

R196, it’s really not for anyone. Very unhealthy.

Given what a cunt R195 was on the "I Cut My Family Out of My Will" thread, I'm not a bit surprised he's alone. What's surprising is that he complains about it.

I've had a repeated pattern occur at different jobs. At first, certain co-workers will be really friendly, and expect me to be more outgoing than I am. Disappointed that I'm not who they thought I was, it eventually leads to not even talking to me or even saying hello in the hallway.

R199, Loners are not people who avoid other people. We socialize, but prefer our own company. This is, in fact, extremely healthy. More people would benefit from the occasional time out and some silence.

R201, this never stopped me. I still smile, I still wave. It's not uncommon for people who are extroverted to think loners are 'wrong' in some way. This view has been changing, but loners don't really care. You cannot force someone to be something they are not.

I get tired of small talk, chit chat and repetition. I just spent an hour at the library, listening to practically everyone repeating themselves, saying the same thing over and over.

I have the worst of both worlds — I want the company and friendship of others but I’m very bad at carrying on long term relationships with people.

I will be a loner when my relationship ends soon, as I can tell it is. After that, I can't even imagine being social - not even out of depression, just out of being exhausted always socializing, etc.

R78,

"Sometimes I think that loners unconsciously give the signal that they want to be alone, and others pick up on that and leave them alone. Then the loner feels unlovable, etc."

YES! I telegraph to others that they make me uncomfortable and that I would feel better being alone (I'm not sure exactly how I do this), and then I get crushed when they in kind show little interest in me. I really do make small talk and all that, but it's no match for my nonverbal cues. This is especially true in rather chaotic, fluid social situations like a party, and less true in more structured situations like a small group meeting. A shrink strongly suspected that my dad was neuratypical, and although the good doc never said the same of me, I do wonder...

I've had very few "boyfriends" (not even a few) but I had two that followed an identical pattern.

Unbeknownst to me, they were both in relationships, and cheating with me. We only hung out on weekdays. Then after a little while, they ended up moving on and cheating with someone else.

I felt like I was better off not even having those experiences.

R207, you sound gullible.

R208, thanks for your contribution. Most people who consider themselves loners are anything but gullible. We tend to see right through people, which can be disturbing. Judging is a thing with most human beings, so there's that, as well.

R207, experience is always valuable. Please don't let this create a sense of mistrust in your heart. It's far better to be open to love than to remain closed. I'm sorry this happened, but look at it this way - you now know the signs and be more discerning next time. Good luck!

People change, and not always for the better. My parents, both dyed in the wool FDR Democrats, would be appalled to see their second child, my sister, become the Trump supporter she is today. I went to a private all girls school in the 60s, which while Catholic, was very progressive and afforded me a top notch education. It has made me heartsick over the years to see some of these women morph into rabid pro lifers, reactionary hard line Catholics, and "conservative" thinkers. A few years ago the Archdiocese demanded that a beloved and successful gym teacher be let go when it was discovered that she had applied for a mortgage with her female partner. The current students, to their credit, demonstrated and protested (to no eventual avail, of course) but I was stunned to hear some of my contemporaries DEFEND the "morals contract" that teachers in Catholic schools evidently sign. My beloved theater instructor in college, who was whip smart and put on intelligent and groundbreaking productions back in the 70s, has turned out to be a lazy, bumbling old failure who drifted from job to job, never getting tenure, and is a pompous old blowhard. A friendship of thirty years ended for me when I caught my friend in an obvious lie and very painful betrayal, which she lamely attempted to deny. People, even family and close friends, can be very disappointing, and I while I don't consider myself a loner, I have learned to keep most relationships at arms' length. It's worked out better that way.

Yes, I am because as the song says...

Obviously some people are loners because it suits their personality to have alone time, and other people are just hateful and mistrustful for whatever reason. Sorry you've been hurt or in trouble, R211. Loners are good friends, typically, but I can understand the folks who can't put up with people at all. In my experience, there's more going on, like PTSD, or CPTSD.

Even those suffering with SA acknowledge they would prefer it be otherwise.

The best nights to go out solo are Sunday through Thursdays.

I am independent.

Yes.

Another loner here -- I think Datalounge attracts them. Here we can connect to others completely on our own terms, comment or withdraw as we wish, and nothing is at stake. Yet a thread like this makes us feel good about our being loners because, as someone else pointed out, even loners seem to need validation from others. I've been alone now for most of my adult life, had two long term relationships but I always knew they would both end. They did, without rancor. And I have about five close friends, but none of them live near me. And, of course, pets. Two cats and a dog. I love them, but it's not the same as people.

The one difference between me and the other elder loners here -- I have no fear of getting old as a longer. At some point, if I have to, I'll move to an assisted living arrangement. In fact, I kind of look forward to the idea that medical help will always be available, and nothing will be expected of me expect to stay alive. Then I can read, watch tv, or do whatever else I want in total peace.

R216, well-stated!

Aside from the fact that I don't buy into the Christian stuff, I think that going to church and doing all the "worship" stuff you're supposed to do with other people there almost demands that being "solitary" be discontinued, if that is the correct word. I suppose this is more true of Protestant denominations and the more "evangelical" they are the more this seemingly needs to be done. You are encouraged to join church activities and adopt their mindset. That whole scene is more than a little distasteful to me. I'm wondering if anyone else knows what I'm talking about and can explain it further.

Another thing that annoyed me alot is having to play sports in PE class in school. I always pretty much hated playing sports, whatever it was, "with the other boys" many of whom I thought of as obnoxious turds. I don't know whether it was the sports, the other boys, or the sadistic ex-Marine teacher that turned me off more.

OP isn't naturally a loner, he's like a woman who thinks she's a lesbian because of a bad breakup.

Catholic Mass used to be a collective solitary experience until they instituted that thing where you have to shake hands with the people around you.

Before, everyone was together in focusing on the point of the Mass, but then the ficus was shifted to greeting each other, and that threw off the true peace.

I agree r220, Catholic Mass used to be a relatively private thing where you went in, followed the liturgy, maybe took communion and then left, little or no touchy feely stuff and no priest at the door to shake hands as you left. It has all been very much tampered with since the 1960s and smacks of some kind of foot washing Baptist stuff from the South.

I agree r220 & r221.

I realize that I never initiate greetings, but appreciate when other people do. I've had too many people just look at me and not say anything.

I'm a very outgoing person in public but prefer to be by myself in private. I've had people try to add me to their "posses" and it drove me crazy to be added to their message chains and to have to have everyone involved in all aspects of planning any activity and then the follow up with everyone commenting and the whole process just taking forever. It was the same five or six people who did everything together and it got old quick. I think it would be nice to have one person to get together with on a regular basis, but they'd have to be somewhat of a loner, too., and I haven't found that. But I love to travel by myself. I can do whatever I feel like doing when I want and hook up to my heart's content.

For a loner, you sure do like to post a lot of threads and talk about yourself, OP. Kinda the opposite of loner.

I travel alone and love it - a travel loner I guess.

I have been on a couple of trips with other people and it always ended badly. People just seem too self interested today and rather than being up front they go along with things they don't want to do and then get pissed off or just disappear rather than have a rational conversation about it. Sometimes it would be nice to share the experience with someone else but the reality is usually not than nice at all.

Absolutely love living alone, doing and having things as I want. I see people when I wish to be social and hire an escort when I want a couple of hours or an overnight of sex.

Alone is best. Privacy, Peace of Mind, Serenity, Beauty.

R228. Thank you for the motto. Instinctively that is what I strive for - but never put it into words. Thanks.

I agree R216! I’ve been on this site for nearly 20 years now.

I'm generally a loner and tend to enjoy the company of others who don't have too many friends. I find those who do difficult to connect with and exhausting to be around.

I want freedom, privacy, no baggage!

DREAD TO ME IS LIVING WITH ANY ONE,

ONE NEEDS SOLITUDE TO GET WORK DONE, NOT IDLE CHATTER OR NAGGING

TO BE ALONE IS TO BE IN THE MEMORY OF WISDOM AND WAVES OF SOLITARY EPIFANYS..

The closing of book stores, record stores and video stores has made me much more of a loner. A lot of days those were the only places I went.

I go days without hearing another human voice except for neighbors on my floor talking in the hallway, usually in Russian so I don't understand them anyway. I am not a people person. I enjoy doing things myself. The only person I enjoyed sharing my life with was my late father. Being with him was pure joy.

I can't imagine liking someone so much I'd want to be around them 24 hours a day.

Me, neither.

'Capitalism is built for extroverts.'

This is so true. The worst are those ones who work long hours and then make you feel guilty for not spending the evening drinking with them. In some places, failure to do this can wreck your career prospects.

I have a low paying part time job right now that is way below my grade and skill level, but I love it because I get to run a small shop totally alone with only occasional interruption from a customer or my boss via phone. At least four hours if not more are spent in a cool quiet room with a CD player and a laptop or a notepad, just me and my thoughts. Heaven.

I need to find a way to make much more money with my writing skills so I can keep living this way, but my confidence keeps letting me down as does my difficulty with socialising (I have basically no friends so I have no network either). It’s a real quandary. My current gig is temporary and pays peanuts, and I’m scared to have to work a different job in future with *shudder* OTHER PEOPLE in a BUSY environment where I have to actually contribute. Nightmarish.

I've had the joy of being able to work from home for the last month; that ends next week and I rejoin the masses of NYC. I'm dreading it, and had to take a xanax right now just thinking about it.

Smartphones have created a planet of loners.

On the bus 95% just looking at phones.

My niece and nephew are visiting from Florida and we took them to a local bowling alley yesterday. There was some crazy bitch who had a bowling ball in her right hand and HER PHONE in her left hand every single time she got up to bowl!

It's just so odd to see people reading so much. They never did in the 20th century; they'd just be plugged into headphones.

I've had difficulty making friendships, and keeping them obviously, my entire life.

But I am amazed how worldwide society has become so antisocial. In every crowded room, everyone's in their own world. It's never been like that, and you wonder what socialization will be like 20-30 years from now.

I have little hope for the human race r245, in some ways I think it would be best if we would die out and give wild animals a fighting chance. The millennials have much facing them and I really don't think they are up to the tasks that confront them such as cleaning up the plastic waste in the oceans or global warming just to name two.

R239, working in a shop like that sounds like heaven to me. I’m in a similar situation. I have a “below me” office job that is so simple and involves almost zero human interaction, our desk phones are even turned off. I listen to music and do the work at my pace. It’s a project, but it will be ending in two months. I can’t even imagine going into a busier job involving socializing or meetings at this point. I’d love to work in a shop or from home. I actually don’t mind customers.

Lord, no. Have you met my family, OP?

[quote] The millennials have much facing them and I really don't think they are up to the tasks that confront them such as cleaning up the plastic waste in the oceans or global warming just to name two.

Some of them are though.

Yes.

I don't ever go out. And I'm not fit to receive visitors.

This is a personality test, to determinate what kind of introvert are you

I like being alone, my brothers called me a hermit when I was younger because I hardly ever went out and socialized. I always craved privacy - we lived in a modest house and there wasn't much space to go and hide. I have a boyfriend but we have our own places and get together weekly and talk daily, it works this way for us because he feels the same way about having space and privacy.

Bump for the lonely.

I like being alone. All those years wasted pretending to keep up with the gay Joneses, people pleasing and burying my own personality to please others. My biggest regret. Now I can’t stand being around people. I’ve sloughed off most of my friends and only see my family when I have to. People suck so bad. I cannot bear to be around a crowd, making small talk and pretending to be comfortable with that. I’d rather be by myself with my iPad or PC or a good book. I’m 53 now, so sexually I’m pretty much invisible to men. Better off that way.

I’m 41 and have been single for over20 years . I fucking LOVE it. I consider myself mentally strong and never depend on anyone for emotional support.

I am independent.

Glad to see this thread resurrected; there is a a lot of intelligent expression and some good writing on this thread. FOR A CHANGE! :)

I scrolled back and read my reply from back in April, R96, and I still feel exactly the same way. And then some.

I can only bear being with other people if I am drinking. Stone sober, I can’t wait to get away from the tediousness of what people talk and think about - I just want to get home again. It’s weird, but I find most people so negative and whiny. I want to talk about happy things and most people I know are most interested in their problems and worries. When I do meet upbeat people, which is very rare, it fills me with so much joy and I probably scare them away :). I don’t mind though, I still prefer my own company 24/7.

There's an old saying: "Being alone is truly alone when it is yourself you haven't met and yourself with whom you refuse to live." I'm fiftyish, financially and emotionally independent, still gathering glances from men, often half my age, and avoid most of them like the plague. I know what they're after, and I'd frankly, Scarlett, rather stay home with Mr. Happy. I am a single, never married homeowner and absolutely adore it! I come and go as I please. I answer to no one in terms of where to go, what to do, how to decorate my home, fold my clothes, or prepare my meals. Though I do like to socialize with people (I can be quite sociable and feel I am well-liked in my career), I am by nature more of a loner. Over the years of enduring bullshit friendships, selfish, exploitative people, and two-faced, back-stabbing phonies, I relish the moments of gentle solitude, tranquility, and quiet reflection that affords me a much-needed complement to the stresses of my work. Now I am in no way knocking the people who have truly found a loving partner, or those who hit what remains of the gay clubs (that haven't been infiltrated by drag and insufferable straights). At the same token, I know very VERY few of those couples who have remained loyal and faithful over the long and even short haul, and whose eyes remain on each other longer than they do on the Android or I-Phone. Study some of these pairs while dining out some time. Sometimes I think I would like to find my soulmate, someone whose eyes I could look into and know what he's thinking and feeling, and someone who can do the same for me. But perhaps, I've watched too many MGM musicals. Until then, my menage a trois consists of me, myself, and I, and I am shedding no tears; and to the many others on this thread who have been condescended to, derided, or branded as "hermit," "weirdo," or "antisocial," remember you are in the finest company of those who saw through the bullshit, tossed away the appearances, and found the courage to embrace the man in the mirror, not change him. Let the butterflies flit and flounce. They need the Xanax and the Ambien to sleep at night. We don't.

Envy you R262. But some of us need to engage with people for work 8 hours a day. I wish I could live an isolated life but I can’t afford to. Hence ambien and xanax and alcohol. When- or if - I can retire, I will live your life. It I fear I will die in next 10 years before I ever get a chance.

R262 we are a total match.

R262, well said.

Involuntary loner.

R8, I worked at home several days a week for the last few years. Then last fall I was able to add another day and some weeks I don't go to the office at all. Got used to that very quickly. Had to move for my job over a decade ago and really don't like the people here. Like you, I can go weeks without interacting with others.

I'm a loner, but not by choice. I wish I had more friends and that I could make more friends easily and of course, a partner.

R66, pick up either Slow Burn or the Power of 10. You can perform an exercise program in half an hour a week, that will make you stronger and more agile for anything else you want to do. Slow Burn was written by two older doctors with a trainer. I know the doctors and they are both still doing the program, along with yoga, golf and a fair amount of traveling.

I share your fear, so I want to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

"People who live to themselves are generally left to themselves."

I lived alone after college, and wished I had gotten a single in the dorms. My roommates were awful.

When I told my brother I wanted to live alone my whole life, he said, "You'll get over that."

R271 - "Better alone than in lousy company. " Most friendships are cultivated via zip codes, physical appearance, social clubs, and plenty of other superficial criteria. If people were left to bond with one another NATURALLY and not kicked to the curb by the wrong zip code, a lack of the right connections, or an appearance that is less than Instagram ready, perhaps, there would more enduring friendships and some real fucking love in this world. If the loners are left alone, it's only because we see thru the artifice of superficial and insipid people, and it's a choice that we have made, and we own it. Sorry, Louise, but after 40, you'll realize the good eggs in this world are like diamonds in a coal mine, and with time, it becomes too depleting to try and dig them out. The loneliest people in this world are not the so-called loners. It's those stuck in a miserable relationship, born into a big, lousy, jealous, opportunistic family, or made to associate with a pack of friends they secretly despise. Perhaps, it's fear of going to a restaurant or a bar by themselves, or Godforbid, on vacation. Hell, I just came back from a vacation recently (Spain and Portugal) and a coworker asked me: "You went alone?" My response: "Fuck, yeah! And I loved every minute of it."

I think a lot of people can’t distinguish Between being alone and being lonely. So many people “need”to be in a relationship out of fear of loneliness. I get some people really don’t like being alone. It must be really stressful with all that pressure to find a partner. I always wanted to live alone. I have a partner despite myself. But make sure that we always keep 2 places so I can always go somewhere to be alone. However, I have a mother who can not be alone and she drives me and everyone of her kids crazy because she can’t just be alone. I’ve learned to really hate her because of it.

R262, I think I love you.

I am a recluse.

Hell is other people.

For those of you with over bearing older mothers that can't abide by the signals of others they are too much - get them a therapist, and I am not even kidding. I am disabled and on Medicare early so I know how these benefits go - they cover my therapy - so get those mothers someone who will listen and perhaps offer suggestions they might take. If they shoo shoo you say mother - this gives you an opportunity to gripe at someone who has to listen. If this throws them into a fit - well you tried.

Love is for cowards. Loneliness is courage.

Everyone is a pill

I find great comfort in this thread. Glad to know there are other loners out there.

Me, too. Independent, here. I do not like a lot of baggage.

Oh wow, R278. Not sure if I agree totally, but I needed to hear that today.

And this is one of the better DL threads in recent memory.

I know. I've bookmarked this thread and check in every now and then when I start feeling lonely.

More and more everyday. It really seems like kindness is getting scarce. I bought the book about Fred Rogers, but it made me cry to realize how much I didn't get from my parents and how valuable his contribution was to lonely kids like me.

On the other hand, it helped me to understand what happened to make me like this and gave me a tremendous amount of comfort.

No one in tune, aware, and awake should ever wonder why loneliness would be a optimal choice in this generation of robotic, Instagram whores, liars, narcissists, and opportunists, which probably stand as the most heartless, unempathetic cretins yet to masquerade as humanity. They're an insult to men and a bigger insult to gay men who always had an innate sense of intelligence, perception, taste, style, class, and wit. These mirror-gazing self-obsessed sluts have NOTHING; and yet they think they're the shit. They never learned or seem to give a fuck about the thousands of men who died to give them the liberties to which they feel they're entitled. Real men didn't have Grindr. They had to get their asses out and meet people face to fucking face. They had to talk, they had to interact, they had to be human. And Truvada ain't the cure, chickadees. It's doing the same thing only at a slower pace. Just wait and see. The funny part is what they don't realize and have yet to learn is that they aren't special. Nor exceptional. They're EXPENDABLE. And very forgettable. And the greatest payback to them will be middle age and loneliness. If they live long enough to get their comeuppance. Loneliness? Maybe it's a blessing.

I think I agree with r285, but...paragraphs.

r285, you sound bitter

I don't agree with R285. Some people are loners by CHOICE and it has nothing to do with how other people behave.

For those who are loneLY, there is the understanding of a need to be with others and this is nothing like the state of being alone by choice. Loners are not people who are lonely or who are anti-social, though some of those types may describe themselves as such. Loners are just people who crave time alone....who actually need it to be able to cope with the greater hustle and bustle of an always demanding and speed-obsessed culture.

I feel for those so self-obsessed that they cannot perceive the trap of ego. They are, however, compelled more by a need for acceptance than a desire to be alone and away from anything that resembles that.

287. Sorry, Charlie. The truth hurts. Take a spoonful of sugar.

Yes, from a mix of innate personality and environment. Ive lived my life in a place where the people tend to be self absorbed, nasty, snobbish and hostile. I feel zero connection at all to the place and people around me . During my younger years, I developed severe dissassociative type symptoms, probably worsened by alcohol use. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been if I left early on. I don't think it would have been a great life but I doubt it would have been the shit show it is now. I hate going out and will pretty much do anything to avoid it. Even though I am in a majorly populated area there is nothing to do for miles, just lots of unpleasant jerkoffs to run into.

R290 - Your pain is shared and understood. Only the most pompous, entitled, malignant narcissists would shame a person into thinking solitude was some sort of disease. It's unfortunate there are far more gay cults than there are gay communities and exclusive frat clubs than there are mixers. Not a single one of them should wonder why their gay brethren are alone, be it by choice or destiny. They should know.

r288 gets who loners are. The rest of humanity could be filled with nothing but the most generous, loving and happy people, but I still wouldn't want one around me all the time, getting in my business.

INTJ here. Yes, I guess I'm a loner. I do really like to socialize, but afterwards I need lots of alone-time to de-stress.

R293. Me too except for the really like to socialize part.

Now more than ever. People are crazy.

The worst aspect of working are the moody egos.

I am not lonely but definitely need time on my own. I really enjoy hiking and kayaking but it is stupid to do either by yourself. I got so frustrated trying to schedule activities with some friends that never happened. I ended up finding Meet Up groups for both and joined. You can plan ahead or rsvp at the last minute. If your plans change, no big deal.

For those of you who are looking for people to do things with and possibly make some friends, definitely look into it. There seems to be a group for everyone. There is some small talk and socializing at the beginning but each of my groups are kind of solo activities you do with a group so everyone is kind of in their own head for the most part. Other groups may be more social but that hasn't been my experience.

When the Sony Walkman first came out I thought it was the best invention ever. I was finally able to cut out most of the masses from my life. Strange how people will at times try to engage with me even when I have my head phones on.

I guess I am a loner; easy to do so being an only child. Besides my weekly gay bowling league, which I love. Although as I am getting older, I want to find my "one on one" person. As independent as I am, it's hard being single in many regards. I realized last night I am on the internet in some capacity 24/7 every waking moment these days. Without it, I would truly be 100% alone. And that's okay.. just sometimes feel like I am going a bit crazy.

Friends and family are so overrated.

I never get any of the "friends and family" discounts, sometimes it sucks being a loner.

I love this thread. I'm a loner, too... and what is written on here, by many posters, I would apply to myself. I'm glad I'm not alone in my aloneness. . lol. Usually, when I get together with someone (not very often), I might enjoy the day.. but, I'm always happy to be back home. I'm never comfortable with people, even family.

Peace from nervous suffering.

Not as much of a loner as many of you, but definitely need time to myself.

I've realized that DL/social media has encouraged my antisocial tendencies as exchanging messages with people online doesn't feel like I've spent the entire night alone

Lighthouse keeper wanted. You will live alone for long periods of time with nobody visiting. Supplies are received from a ferry about every two weeks. No car needed.

I am a recluse: my singular preoccupation and abiding concern is myself.

R305, I want that position.

My parents may have 20 more years on this planet, maybe even more, but I'm already terrified at the thought of losing them. Who's left after that? Just loner me, and my brother out of state who I'm not close to. I'm so worried that I will probably seek therapy about it.

R308 read "Fear" by Thich Nhat Hanh. It helped me a lot to stop pissing away today and the NOW by worrying about the future.

R309, Thanks, I'll check it out!

I am a loner, but would like to have some buddies. I've feel I've outgrown the few of my longtime friends.

The older I get, the less I want other people around. Other people are always disappointing. When you're young, you don't care as much, because you cycle through so many friends. When you're older, those hurts mean more. The fact is, there might have been a time when being alone was dangerous -- you needed society to survive. In today's world, it's never been easier to be alone.

When I want to connect with other people, I just come here. Or, if I'm bored, I watch tv or youtube. Listen to music. Order food in. Read a book. Be alone.

252 I took the 16 personalities test at the link you added, and it was eerily accurate. INTJ. Also, gives some useful advice on getting on in the world when people see you as odd, when you are in fact just introverted and the general expectation now is that EVERYONE has to be extroverted.

^ R252 even (sigh).

R313, I'm an INTJ also. Don't really have more to say but just wanted to throw that out. I would guess DL has a higher percentage of that type than the general population.

I’m also in my late 20s and I realized tonight that since middle school I can probably count on my hands how many times I’ve had something to do on a Friday night that didn’t involve my family or me by myself.

I also don’t want to be alone but I’ve realized that I’m terrible at small talk and my habit of self-deprecation comes off flat to people. I’m probably a solid 6, work and out daily due to so much free time.

I’ve moved to a new a big City about 3 months ago and haven’t made strides in the friends department. The straight guys at work call me extremely nice but it doesn’t translate to much when they go out to lunch or hangout after work without inviting me. Literally standing at my desk asking my coworker like I’m a ghost.

I nearly broke down yesterday due to just emptiness. I’m watching time pass and I’m still alone. HS came and went, college (the best years) are gone. I’ve got a little over 2 years left of my 20s.

I’ve only managed to avoid following through with suicide because I realize how wonderful an extra day on this earth is for someone in my comfortable situation. I fear that that I won’t be able to go on much longer like this.m, but for now I battle the darkness with hope.

Last point. I took Elanor Rosevelt’s advice and did something scary. I reached out to my coworkers asking if they are going out tonight. I haven’t heard back, but I plan on going out anyway. It’s terrifying but beats playing it safe by myself for another Friday.

Good for you, R316. Don't take it personally if you don't find friends at work, though. There are all sorts of rivalries at play. Better to look elsewhere.

As for college being your best years, many would disagree with that. I hated college (the first time around, anyway) and my thirties were far better than my twenties.

Thanks r317

R316, I wish I worked where you do because I'd love to hang out with you!

Treat yourself to something nice this weekend.

I have had a life filled with family and friends and I now live a very private alone life. Where I am in my life at the moment I love being alone. Of course, my little 4 legged furry puppy is better than 10 people.

I’m also an INTJ. Seems to be a theme here.

There is nothing more pathetic or pitiable than a man who can't be alone.

Hell is other people

I have severe depression and I always hear how being out and about and being around people is supposed to lift mood. Ha! I find that the more I interact with people the worse my mood gets. Not just the depression but the anger and anxiety. I've been this way for a long time, and I realize that I am not going to change. Some of it may be the area I'm living in a bland but extremely crowded suburban /metropolitan area where the people tend towards rudeness and nastiness . In any case, I have become fairly avoidant at this stage in my life, and would rather not interact with most people all together. I've never felt I fit here, but things reached a boiling point about 3 years ago where even looking at this place makes me physically Ill. I even have trouble reading fiction or watching dramas. I simply have no empathy for the characters and don't care what happens to them.

If anyone is genuinely happy in this world as it is today, you know they have to be a sociopath.

I grew up in a noisy home with a lot of sibs around my age. They had no respect for my privacy and would take my things or read my personal mail. Because of that I'm very protective of my privacy and I have to think a lot of someone to let them know my personal business. I live alone and will stay that way until if and when I get in a relationship. I love coming home knowing my shit's in the same place I left it.

Bump

I've had a close group of friends my whole life. Some have moved away and my closest local friend had met a new buddy to hang out with who is also gay. My buddy already has a boyfriend, but now they, along with this new friend, have been going for drinks and having dinners, going to concerts, all of which I've been excluded from. He even gets together with him and another mutual friend as well. I feel let down that a 20+ year friend would exclude me like this and it definitely has changed the way I feel about him as a friend. I feel alone, and at the same time disappointed in people in general.

R325 is correct.

I know a number of people who say they are happy. Of those, I would say nearly all are either in complete denial or they're mentally unbalanced. I do know two people who I believe truly are happy people--aware of the world, fully engaged in it, and yet actually content. That's two out of maybe the 500 people I've known in my long lifetime (yes I'm an elder gay).

My feeling at this point in my life is, if you can have a few happy moments, treasure them. Live for them. Keep them in your memories. Because most of life is not going to be happy.

Of course most gay people are introverted loners....nature made you gay for a reason.

And that reason is to keep the human population in check and be a 'helper bee' in the human hive.

Historically gays would voluntarily remove themselves from cities and become monks/nuns/shaman, etc.

I love being alone...with no one interrupting my thoughts. I’m a proud introvert. All this time I thought that something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel comfortable in groups, making small talk or joining cliques. And I always attract loud, center of attention types to me...no more.

PS...the only thing that bugs me about being alone is the lack of sex. I’ve lost a ton of weight and I work out and I think that I look great but I seem to attract the wrong people...Queen men who want a daddy or closeted married guy who want to hookup in secret.

I adore being alone. When I was younger, I was very social, knew lots of people, and had something to do every night. 8 years ago I moved out of the city and it was as though a great load was lifted from my shoulders. I keep up with friends from high school on but can go weeks without seeing someone other than the girls who work at the market. There are so many ways to keep in touch now I'm never lonely. In fact, I think I've never felt more satisfied in my life.

When I was in my prime (back in the 80s and 90s, *sigh*) I used to go to movies 2 or 3 times a week. We still had several theaters with large screens, as well as two or three nice art houses, and one revival house that changed their bill every other day. There were also "midnight movies" that featured indie and off the beaten track films. It was a pleasant experience - no half hour of previews that made your ears bleed, clean theaters, reasonable (often bargain) ticket prices, no sticky floors, yowling babies, or cell phones. "Pay TV" and VCRs were just coming on the scene. You could not PAY ME to go to a theater today; the art houses are long gone, the large theaters are carved into multiplexes, and of course the films all SUCK. The reasonably good ones will be on the library's shelf within a few months. I can wait.

At the time, the city I live in had a world class symphony orchestra. For several years I had a subscription to the chamber music series, which was reasonably priced as well. I spent many happy and relaxing evenings attending these concerts, and other special concerts as well. Today the symphony has "theme nights" where they play music from films, like STAR WARS, THE GODFATHER and TITANIC. They put a huge screen behind the orchestra to show clips from the films, or in some cases, singalong lyrics for the audiences. The chamber series is no more. We still have a beautiful symphony hall, however, its parking is bad and the city is becoming known as the car break in/carjacking capital of the world.

I used to love browsing bookstores, both the big ones and the smaller independents. At the time, I actually had a part time job working at one of the best known indie bookstores near a big university. There is one B&N hanging on in a suburban mall, but that's pretty much it.

Other than grocery shopping and trips to the library, there is almost no need for me to leave my house. I can communicate with friends (both real and online) via email and FB, find favorite film clips and classical performances on you tube, get just about anything from my local library. I would not necessarily categorize myself as a "loner", but this is just how life is these days. Thankfully I'm retired, so I don't have to put up with the hideous dynamics present in workplaces today.

R334 Amen. Or I should say, A-lone. The world really has changed, hasn't it? And not for the better. Simply going shopping these days is a fucking safari between parking nightmares, rude bitchy people, squealing squawking misbehaved brats, texting blindness, overpriced crap. Requiem for the gay bars has long been sung. What's left of what was once our unique respites from hetero hell are these transhumanized, prepped up, drug addicted millennial clones and their pain in the ass no life straight woman and their nelly husbands who pretend to like us, not a sanctuary to form lasting friendships, bonds, and a meaningful sense of community. I've heard guys say: "We don't really need gay bars anymore." Of course you don't. Because you'd prefer to empower your downlow piece of shit married dudes on Grindr and Scruff than cultivate meaningful friendships and possibly something more with people you can actually see and talk to. Like you said, movies suck, the theatres are repulsive, there is maybe one art house to every region; the vintage book stores are obsolete because nobody reads anymore. Even the joy of a good music store, searching out CDs, obscure albums are gone, because there isn't a cunt hair of good music worth listening to. So being alone isn't always a choice. It's become a necessity. It seems there are so many of us speaking the same language and sharing the same sentiment. But maybe we're part of the problem because we remain disconnected from each other and really need to find each other. And naturally, the one place to find warm, loving, and compassionate gay men is Datalounge!

I wish someone would make a documentary about the kind of life R334 describes. It's all but vanished in less than two decades.

R334 here; nice that there are some who agree with my point of view. Actually, I meant to expound on gay bars as well: once a source of community, camaraderie, and endless FUN, now virtually vanished. I remember the electric atmosphere the night before Thanksgiving was: everybody was celebrating the upcoming four day weekend, reconnecting with out of town friends or friends home from school, and everyone intent on tying on a good buzz, knowing they'd have to show up at Mom's or Grandma's within the next 12 hours or so. Everyone got a little more dressed up than usual, and the place was packed shoulder to shoulder.

I might also mention the disappearance of local gay newspapers - we once had THREE! Sure, one was just a bar rag, but it was full of photos and a wicked little gossip column. The other two were quite serious, with book, film and music reviews, articles, and - as time went by - valuable information and resources about HIV and AIDS. I always looked forward to picking them up for free at the gay bookstore on Saturday afternoons, where I bought AFTER DARK magazine, THE FRONT RUNNER, and the Tales of the City books.

I'm so glad I lived in the era I did. Gay life is SO different now.

People just don't like my personality so I have given up socially. That is just the reality of life for me. Fortunately I can completely entertain myself on my own. It's a bit embarrassing, particularly in the workplace, but I'd have to be a different person to fit in and I have to be the person I am.

R338 Bravo. Better a real person alone with a clear conscience than a fake one with artificial friends and ghosts to haunt him. And R334 yes, I recall those Thanksgiving eves at the gay bars. There was such an excitement, a camaraderie, people having genuine fun, laughs. I remember my best friend and I went to one of the gay piano lounges and it was there that he met a guy. It was like love at first sight. I saw it myself. They talked, they laughed, the chemistry was palpable. I know my friend wanted to run off with him for some wild turkey, but I had driven there with my car. He didn't want to leave me stranded, even though I said it was fine. I know how difficult a time he'd had meeting people and he was a good looking guy. What I did tell him was: "Give this guy your number. (no cels back then). If he calls you tomorrow, he's serious. If not, dump him." He did call on Thanksgiving morning, they hooked up that weekend, and they had a relationship for more than 10 years, until mid-life crisis time. There was anxiety about the epidemic back then, but there was great support and compassion. Though shit certainly went on, the bars aren't the drug dens they are now, what's left of them. How about Christmas night at the bars? That was just as packed. The feeling was after a day with the straights, we just had to get out and be with our own. That was before we became the sought after guests at every holiday function. Yawn.

Did any of you spend Thanksgiving alone? If so, how was it? Serene? Peaceful? Or were you wishing you were with friends and family?

A peaceful solo Thanksgiving here. Celebrating every holiday with friends and family is too stressful for me.

I need my own island.

I'm 45 and somewhat introverted I guess. When I was younger, I lived overseas and socialized and partied constantly. I guess, as I've gotten older, I've realized that I'm always going to be alone and I enjoy it. I now spend most weekends inside with my blinds drawn, not talking to everyone. I exercise at dawn on the beach, when it is very quite.

I've been happily traveling by myself for years. I was backpacking across SE Asia about 20 years ago with a couple of mates. We kind of formed a big group of 10 people as we went along, and I found the whole thing exhausting............. others were interested in getting high, fucking and trying to impress each other. All I wanted to do was wander around temples and museums. My great moment of freedom was when I finally left the group and boarded a ferry to another island by myself. I'd never really done anything that big by myself before. As I walked along the rickety, old, wooden wharf, with my backpack, I realized I didn't need to follow other people, I could make my own decisions, my own destiny. In fact I knew I'd never be happy and in a constant state of frustration if I continued to follow other people and did what they wanted to do, just to be the nice guy. So I've traveled a lot alone but never feel lonely. Locals are more inclined to chat to a solo traveler, I think, and it's so relaxing to not have to spend hours on small talk and making concessions to another person when on holiday. When you have 3 weeks off a year from an exhausting job, I think it's important to recharge and be you.

My work is exhausting, it's training adults in a vocational course. I basically spend all day throwing my energy at them and rebuffing their constant negativity, complaining and self doubts. I realize now, that this job is basically destroying any possibility of a social life, because at the end of the day, I am emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained. I recharge by drinking and watching recorded TV (I'm into Frasier, The West Wing and The Conners at the moment). I'm seriously thinking about becoming an Uber driver.

I always loved gardening by myself and walking my dog as a kid. Solitude activities. It has never really occurred to me until recently, how strange people think I am. Around 10 years ago most of my friends and family all started having children, and although I don't mind kids (they have a purity and non-judgemental attitude that adults lack), I just didn't have the energy to be around all of these noisy people. I am also seriously sensitive to noise. I meditate daily and find that extremely rewarding. I presume others think of me as arrogant, as I don't want to spend time with them. For me to go to any event I need days........weeks to mentally prepare for it. I've been dreading the upcoming work Xmas party for about 6 months. I used to be a terrific actor and play the social butterfly quite well. Of course the ol' Dutch courage helped. However, as I've gotten older my tolerance for BS, games, passive aggressive behaviour and energy stealers has dissipated rapidly.

I just can't be fucked with fuckwits anymore.

Plus, I'm pretty awesome, and the funniest son of a bitch I know.

R343, "I exercise at dawn on the beach, when it is very quite. " You meat QUIET, not quite.

quite quiet

This is a great thread and has gotten me thinking. I’m not sure if I’m a loner or not. I’m comfortable spending time by myself but also like socializing with small groups. Not sure if I’m an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not so much being a loner as having never found my own tribe. Peace to everyone posting here. A lot of you seem like really nice, kind people.

Interesting because I’m a loner - but gay bars are my place of joy and reprieve. Glad to hear others view them with similar appreciation. Maybe it’s the era I come from (came out mid 80s) but I have a special place in my heart for gay bars. They provide a social environment where I often meet and talk with people - not for hookups but just truly social interactions where you learn about people, their history and their view of life. Not always but I still find them to be an oasis from the world. Luckily there are still many in my city filled with people of all ages. Seems younger gays are rediscovering gay bars too. I think after years of digital interaction, they are realizing its limitations. The world is different but I’m afraid I’m still stuck in the era of gay bars and feel a unique comfort in that environment which keeps me engaged socially 2-3 days a week. Otherwise it’s a mundane lonely existence of work and obligations - and the internet.

R347 I admire your appreciation of the gay bars, because many of us need a sanctuary just to be with our own, separate of insufferable straights, lesbians, and cock blocking fag hags. Where exactly are you located, because I've found in the northeast, the gay bars are joining the Edsel and the Watusi in popularity and are rapidly becoming obsolete to the tossed salad, mud pie shit holes where everyone is together and no one knows who's who or what's what, making for an excruciating experience in night life creating even more loneliness, if it hadn't been there in the first place. I've even heard gay men over 40 say: "We really don't gay bars anymore." How quickly they forget.

A combination of being a natural introvert and some rather negative childhood and adult experiences, I embrace my being alone. Most of my so-called friends were like me - self-seeking, self-serving drunks and druggies. Now, in my sobriety, I realize that I needed to drink to numb myself to my past as well as a social lubricant, if you will, to deal with the crazies in my life. I worked part time in a bar to make ends meet. I had to be buzzed all the time to reduce the sensory overload that comes from interacting with crazy drunks. Now I relish being alone and having solitude. I socialize at work, but only at lunch or company sponsored events. I try to avoid the latter. My shrink wants me to try meetups, but I don't even want to do that - I've already had a couple of bad experiences. I see my family during the holidays and will be vacationing with them this summer, but frankly, I love being alone.

Gay bars frighten me.

Though I make sure I don’t overdo it, 2-3 beers at a gay bar keeps me social. The alternative of never going out is an option - but at 53, I can live a little and have a few beers if it keeps me engaged in the world.

Does anyone here remember the Pink Elephant on Main Street in Santa Monica?

It was cool.

I guess I just need to vent. I used to be the happiest loner and over the last year or so, approaching 40, I have debilitating anxiety about being single and often lonely. I wake up in a panic each morning. Yes, I need to get into therapy, but also feel stuck-almost immobile. I worry that through my years of independence and selfishness I’ve pushed so many people away. When I did finally desire someone I was rejected. I really just wish I could get my old self back and stop feeling this way.

For the dreaded upcoming phony ass holidays, I am planning a solo vacation that I have gifted to myself. The only vacation I'd suggest for the loners not to plan is a cruise. The worst place to be alone and no escape other than overboard. What are some of you doing for the holidays?

JOMO - Short for "joy of missing out" and an antonym to FOMO, that means that you prefer being unavailable and deliberately risking to miss a party that could be the greatest of all time, because (to be honest) you really don't care and rather stay home

People Who Like To Be Alone Have These 12 Special Personality Traits

I love - LOVE - this thread. I'm so glad to find people like myself who enjoy being alone, and no longer feel shame about it. For the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me. I love going to the movies on my own. I love going to concerts on my own. I love vacationing on my own. Whenever my friends suggest vacationing together, I cringe. It just becomes a non-stop exercise of compromising and it makes me just want to drop out of the vacation altogether.

And as society becomes more smartphone-obsessed, more entitled and ruder over time, I prefer being on my own. I do worry, though, that because of these things, I am going to have a harder time living in the big city because the city is just going to get busier and more populated.

It's weird, I do like to be alone but only in that I like to have my personal space but the idea of being completely alone seems sad to me.

Yes and no.

I appreciate being alone, yet I believe it’s healthier to engage with others, therefore, I make a point of doing so.

Being a loner isn't an all or nothing deal, r358. You can carve out more time for yourself than society expects and still not have to live every day of your life like you're in a beer commercial.

Sometimes it feels like people are in a contest to see who's the biggest asshole in the room.

I have the kind of social anxiety that comes on after I spend time with people.

People are more insufferable than ever

I like small groups of people. I hate large crowds.

It seems like everyone is a loner now

Yes, thank goodness.

How many are loners because they are gay? I adjusted my life when I realized I was gay. I pulled back from socializing with my high school classmates in the 11th grade and continued through the 12 grade. When I see my schoolmates on Facebook I really don't know many of them. I do have some good friends but only a few know I am gay. My immediate family knows. I own a business for the last 44 years and don't want my sexual persuasion to influence my business. I am going to retire next year (at 45 years) and move in with my niece and their 7 children. I am so looking forward to the activity.