A friend of mine confided to me that he was raped at age 12

It happened 20 years ago. Statute of limitations?

No you should not press him to do anything, the guys has just spoken about it for the very first time, he's probably still has huge issues because of that so listen to him and do what you can to support him. rather than asking stupid questions about condoms.

Did you ask why he never told his family?

Dont ask him anything. Jesus. Just... Express something supportive. Definitely dont guilt him about potential other victims.

R3 he said he was ashamed of it at the time, and then later didn't see the point in telling them.

R2 I didn't think it was a stupid question. I wanted to know if any kind of STD was possible.

R4 Fair enough. I was very supportive. Poor guy has struggled with drugs and drink for a while. This may be a root cause. I told him I thought he should discuss it with a therapist. He's never been to one in his life. I will not tell him anything else.

Did you ask him what he was wearing? If he might have been flirting with the teacher?

Press him on it, OP. The next time you see him, bring up the story immediately and squeeze every detail out of him. Don’t let up until you extract the full truth, no matter how many times he tries to change the subject.

He sees something good in you if he took you into his confidence. Think about that.

Did you ask him if he enjoyed it ?

We smoked our first pole at 12!

My only question here is if I should encourage him to seek out this person to make sure that wasn't happening to other children.

The resounding consensus appears to be no. That's fine. I encouraged him to see a therapist. As far as I'm concerned, that's it, unless he tells me he needs to discuss it further. And I did tell him if there was anything I could do, to let me know.

R11, the therapist will be required by law (in the US) to report this sexual assault to the police and other authorities. That will take care of letting the cat out of the bag.

R12 I don't believe that's true at all. Certainly not for an assault that took place 20 years ago. And my friend wouldn't give the name.

Ultimately, it’s his choice whether or not he wants to bring some form of action against this person. I agree with you that it would be awful if the POS was still in a position of trust with children, but you can’t force him to tell. It sounds like he trusts you enough to tell you about his rape and, as a survivor myself, that isn’t the easiest thing to be able to say out loud to another person. You could ask him if he knows whether or not the guy is still teaching, but I wouldn’t press him if he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore than he did. Coming forward about rape is never easy and while we are certainly horrible to women who are assaulted, I feel like male survivors are treated just as badly.

He really made a bad choice about who to confide in. You really think it's a good idea to "press him" to find this person? You care more about theoretical victims than you do the actual victim sitting in front of you? "I'm sorry you were raped, have you considered all the STDs you could have?"

Lol r7 :D

If you're going to do anything, encourage him to seek therapy.

If it's ever brought up again (I doubt it), apologize for the condom question. Gawd, that was stupid of you.

And of course you ran right to post it on DL.

Something like this can be really difficult to handle. I had a colleague who'd served in the merchant navy when he was in his teens. One day while we were all at work he confided to a close friend that he'd been raped while he was stationed overseas and his asshole friend thought it would be funny to tell everybody else. The poor guy ended up becoming suicidal afterwards.

I'd tread lightly if I was you.

Dear, naive R15, it's all these details you quote that make this an EST.

Nope R13, no statute of limitations for reporting. Statute of limitations for prosecution depends on the crimes committed. Several states have eliminated SoL for sex crimes against children. I'd say an adult raping a 12-year old boy stands a good chance of not having a SoL. Mandatory reporters include anybody who works with the person as a teacher, counselor, care provider, medical personnel or clergyperson (no exceptions for clergy either).

Just back off. Don't treat him any differently. But do NOT press or pressure. He'll say more when he's ready to say more. Not before. And pressing him will only make him shut down and avoid you.

Tell him he needs to do it to you to make up for inventing a phony situation and writing about it here. Tell him to make it hurt. Bad. Because you deserve it.

OP is Olivia Benson, on the case.

Some of you guys are so miserable.

R22 No therapist is going to report anything a 32 year old tells them about being the victim of a crime, unless the 32 year old wants them to. I don't understand why you're trying to convince me otherwise.

R17 I did.

R15 I didn't. I'm not a trained professional. One of the things that occurred to me is that this guy might still be doing this. I was seeking advice to see what people thought. I didn't say a word about it to him.

I did talk to him about it today. I said I regretted the condom thing, he said it was no problem, and he understood that whatever I asked, it was out of concern for his well being. I told him "Go talk to a professional, if you think it will help you. Whatever happens, I'm here to talk to if he needs me.

Be like Angela Lansbury, and ask what he was wearing - - in her view some clothes are just too provocative and get one raped.

From my own experience, I believe men who are sexual assault victims are NOT treated poorly, they are barely treated AT ALL. I went to a rape crisis center and they treated me with the same model that they use for women. NOT WORKING. The best treatment is to work with a specialist in same-sex sexual assault. If you live in San Francisco Bay Area, check out CUAV (Community United Against Violence). They use current up-to-date models for therapy for same-sex assault. DO NOT contact a therapist that works specifically with childhood sexual assault; they are OFTEN scamming people to force them to have "repressed memories." NO. This really happened. Don't be fooled by the model that many will impose on this guy.

How hard would it be to track down his middle school and go from there? Male rape victims get zero respect by law enforcement or anyone else. It happens a lot more than you think.

I've never been to any of my teachers' homes. Was he some kind of latchkey kid?

Maybe it was a piano teacher...

You should definitely make your friend's traumatic experience ALL ABOUT YOU, OP!!!

How YOU FEEL supersedes everything else.

Dare to be a hero!

Maybe go rough up all his former teachers? One will confess.

Help him relive the episode with you. It will bond you two. Wear something slinky.

[quote]I asked of the rapist wore a condom,

And then I asked if the thief who broke into your house neatly folded the hand towels in the guest bathroom.

Huh...thanks to R27's link, I have now learned that there is a wiki for celeb feet.

Yuck.

[quote]No therapist is going to report anything a 32 year old tells them about being the victim of a crime, unless the 32 year old wants them to. I don't understand why you're trying to convince me otherwise.

Wow. Just, wow.

I was going to ask if OP is a sociopath or an asspie, considering how tone-deaf his immediate response to his friend was ("Oh, you were raped? Did the guy use a condom?" W.T.F.)...

But now I realise that OP is just FUCKING RETARDED.

Was it rape-rape?

What R2 said, tell your friend to see a therapist.

Fucking typical John, gets called out and he abandons the thread!

Dude, you are SO fucking annoying.

R40 what are you on about? Called out on what? I answered everything. I explained, and told what happened in a subsequent conversation. What more was there to say on the topic?

Where was I "called out" on that I left unanswered?

Boy some people on here are really very cruel and way out of line. Just as bad as your criticisms. Evidently OP is at least asking for advice. Maybe he realizes he should not have mentioned condoms.

OP at this point the less you say the better. I would apologize for anything you said that may have offended him, but do not mention the condoms again. It is painful for sure. Also I would say that you will not ask anymore questions and will be willing to listen if he feels like talking about it again. Then drop it.

R42

He's a very good friend of mine (one of my best), and we were hanging out on a Friday night, having a conversation over wine. He brought up this shocking, horrible news out of the blue. I was very sympathetic- I gave him a hug= suggested he speak to a professional about it. I did not know what to say beyond that, but it appeared to me he wanted to keep talking about it, even though neither of us quite knew what to say. I was having trouble processing the horror of what my friend had to deal with, and suddenly I thought how terrible it must have been to have to worry about HIV, so I asked the condom question out of pure concern for my friend. I should have thought it through more. It was clear he was done with the topic for the moment, but we moved on to another topic and the rest of the evening was fun.

The next day I came here and asked if people thought I should ask him more about the person who did this to him. I also asked some other friends who he doesn't know (without IDing him)

The long and short of it is- next time I saw him, I said "I know that was a tough subject- I'm sorry for the question I asked. I think you should talk to a professional because it must be horrible for you. And I'm also here if you ever want to talk about it, or hug, or cry."

He told me he wasn't bothered by anything I said (not even the condom thing), that he was surprised he brought it up that night- he didn't plan to. And that he was thinking of making an appointment to talk about it with someone. And, we've hung out many times since then.

Stay in your lane, OP. This is none of your business.

R26, you left the quote open! Everything that followed has been part of the quote! Close the fucking quote!

"

R44 if my friend tells me he wants to talk about it, I won't turn him away.

But I won't be bringing it up again myself.