Explosive gas at work

Pretty sure we had this exact same thread a couple of weeks ago OP.

Next time - just shit your pants and then you'll have an excuse to go home.

If you held it in for 12 hours, OP, your gas was clearly not explosive.

Just calm down.

[quote]What do you do in cases where you have to fart so badly, but you can't get away?

I think: "Why did I eat a bean-chili dog with extra mustard?"

And what did you have for desssert, Taco Bell?

Clean up your diet, OP, so your workplace walls stay feces free.

My grandma used to always say, “If you THINK it’s a shart, it’s a shart.

Go outside and let go of the wind

Feign getting something from your car for petes sake don't suffer

Scat queen in the house

You're in a men's room.

Straight guys take pride in their flatulence; Ask women who share beds with straight men. Heck, straight guys take pride in how smelly their flatulence is, too.

Heck, if you can bring yourself to strike up a conversation while you're in the stall, you can pass for straight.

Don't you have a fart jar?

Have you considered carpetbombing the entire room? Start at one end of a crowded room and gradually may your way through the room slowly letting lose. No one will be the wiser.

Just go home early. Not worth it. If you’re really desperate try going outside, when nobody’s in the bathroom or in a seldom used part of the office. But if more than gas, just go home.

I went with a coworker to run an errand the other day. I was in Staples for maybe five minutes while she waited in the car. When I came out, she was sitting with the window open. When I got in, I knew immediately she had farted.

Flush the toilet before you start the concert.

Poo Pourri.......by a pocket size.

Lighter. Admiring crowd. YouTube.

gas should be emitted outdoors away from humans

few things are as gross and having to smell another ones gas

sacriligious !

Nothing like taking a shit and getting paid for it while you’re on the clock.

I have the same problem with high fiber cereal. The bathroom at work is near a group of cubicles and adjacent to a conference room. I had to use the bathroom several times due to gas pain from eating higher fiber cereal and I'm sure the farts were loud enough for everyone to hear. People were telling fart jokes for weeks afterwards.

It's a fucking men's bathroom, OP, not the ladies perfume counter at Nordstrom's. I say rip it, too it good. You might warn your co-workers to clear the area or just say something like "fire in the hole!" before letting one go. Finish with Beavis and Butthead laughter.

Building on the straight guys don't care comment from above, at my work I often hear guys in stalls on business and personal calls on speakerphone while they're shitting. It boggles my mind. These are high end attorneys.

OP, if gets that bad again, you might want to consider sneaking up to the roof of your building and having a good crap there.

Don't forget to bring some tissue!

For OP:

[quote] I was so exhausted from holding it in all day that I slept for 12 hours.

OP I would be impressed with your incredible sphincter control if I believed your story.

OP, just let it all go like Nicki Minaj.

I dont eat any greasy food at work, especially anything with beef cause I know it goes right through me.

Some people don't give a shit though. If you walk in the men's room between 9-11am at my building, it seems like most of guys in the building are away from their desks taking their morning dump on company time. It smells like dead bodies in there, just awful. I try to wait until around noon to pee if I can, so the HVAC system can clear the lethal gases out

They have special underpants you can buy that act as fart silencers.

That's called crop dusting in the south, r10.

r26 there may be hope for me yet!

Scat troll.

Lol. Lmao!

Go find a bathroom on another floor, or in another building, and blow the plumbing out of the wall, ya gassy bastard. LOL

Was it airy and wet?

Dear Lord in Heaven!

Just camp out in a cubicle and wait until the people who were in the restroom when you entered have gone.

Next time go in a stall and spread your ass cheeks wide with your hands, then blast away in silence.

What if the bathroom is near cubes or meeting rooms?

three of my last supervisors have all farted directly in front of me, OP. so does my miniature schnauzer. it’s a part of life... and everybody poops!

We had this ex Marine Mark Wahlberg lookalike at work who did his he-man workout protein shakes. There was this one time in the early morning opening time when only 3 people are in the store, I was in the break room, down the hall from the managers office. Mark clone yells out from the office, look out! The most horrible, worse than sulfur smell comes lingering into the room. I have been a victim of Mark's farting before. However, the other person, female, was not. She walked into the hallway leading towards the managers office, and I hear, "OH MY GOD"; the smelling of the gas continues past the office, down the hallway, into the break room where she was headed. When she entered the break room, she was pale white, and nauseous. It was one of his worse ones.

"A hot dog with chili sauce (beans) and mustard "

NOTICE: The international community has outlawed mustard gas.

Did your hole present?

R31 has the answer: Go to another floor and defile their bathroom.

R38: I had a similar experience but with a woman colleague. One time both the downstairs toilets leaked and we all had to use the disabled bathroom for a couple of days. Anyway, our overweight office manager goes the John before me and while I wait outside she lets rip with a huge explosion of gas and shit that could be heard all the way down the hallway and canteen.

I was once in the communal bathroom on our floor. I could see only one was occupied when I went in to use the urinal. As I was washing my hands I heard this grotesque sound that sounded like a bull moose evacuating its bowels. After it was over the guy in the stall said "DAMN, that baby smells like it was born dead". I burst out laughing and made a quick exit thanking God I had no idea who that guy was.

^^^ I could see only one STALL was occupied

Hell, I fart while pissing at a urinal. Get over it.

The elderly mother of the owner of a family-run company I used to work for (whom everyone called "Ma Cis") worked in accounting and used to walk around the office cutting loud, smelly farts all the time, but nobody was allowed to complain about it.

R38 i have encountered a fart like that before on the metro north. DEADLY. absolutely diabolical. I thought someone was pooping but it was just a fart. My gosh. Bring some matches and light that shit in the stall and drop in the toilet or bring a travel lysol and spray inside of the bowl before or after you poop. Don't keep that shit inside. Fuck up ya guts.

I had a meeting going on in my office once with 5 staff members. One was an elderly lady who'd worked for the company for 30 years. After the meeting was over we were all still sitting around chatting and the old lady looked like she was experiencing some discomfort and she rose from the couch and started to walk out of my office. As she left she farted with every step she took. Loud, asshole fluttering farts. She made a mad dash to the lavvy. As soon as she was out of earshot we all fell on the floor in fits of laughter. When she returned form the toilet she acted as if nothing had happened and we did too so she wouldn't be embarrassed.

Depending on how big your company is, I suggest trying to find what my former co-workers and I called a safe harbor. We worked at a company that had several buildings. Some floors in the older buildings were no longer occupied but still had working bathrooms.

It was hit or miss as clearly others had the same idea we did. I had this awesome spot where I would go take my morning dump, complete with ripping farts, until some higher-up executive discovered it and I had to abandon it. I swear our bowels were on the same schedule and I'd run into him at least 3 times a week. But it was 2 years worth of complete privacy while I did the deed. I eventually found another mostly empty floor and used that bathroom until I quit a couple years later. It was great for shitting or ripping loud farts.

Where I work now there is no privacy. I generally get my business done before I go to work. I just can't shit and fart in public restrooms unless really desperate.

you prissy queens! prematurely (and severely) toilet-trained.

I worked with this one enormous frau at my last fast food job and she would blast sonic boom farts while taking people's orders. She obviously had some gastrointestinal issues because these farts sounding hollow and loud like dying whales.

Once I was asked to clean out the employee bathroom after frau got done using it. When I stepped in it smelled like corpses fumigating in a refectory. She also didn't flush the goddamn toilet and there was a huge pile of yellow shit gawking up at me. Nasty as hell. Bitch got fired two weeks later for reasons I'm not sure about, but I'm sure her abhorrent personality and her loquacious ass were big contributors.

I like taking a dump at work and then not flushing it. I stink up the bathroom too with farts. It’s fun.

Gas is no respecter of no persons. I have heard/smelled farts emitting from gay men, straight men, gay women and straight women. Letting them rip with pride.

It's a natural thing, like pooping and breathing.

I hate when guys don't flush the urinal, and it seems like most guys don't. Is this like a primitive territory marking thing or are people just used to automated flushes now?

I fucking hate when I'm the first one at work on Monday, only walk into the bathroom where someone's rank piss has been sitting there and evaporating into the air the entire weekend. Our lovely government bathroom doesn't have flush sensors.

[quote]It's a natural thing, like pooping and breathing.

Enough.

OP needs elegance when she farts and sharts!

R55 what is your problem? If you can't handle the subject matter then get off the thread.

Ma’am? Stop.

I had explosive diarrhea and my neighbor heard my explosions. If anybody has ever done a vitamin C flush, you know what I mean. This is where you take extreme megadoses of vitamin C to perform a detox. My diarrhea was so devastating that my cheeks rumbled on the toilet seat. I thought maybe I was alone when I flushed but apparently my neighbor was in his bathroom at the same time, getting ready for bed. After a tsunami of poop, that was an endless 30 second stream of diarrhea, I heard my neighbor gently set down his comb on the counter. I was mortified and wanted to pack and move immediately. I tried to keep my flush quieter but the occasional hershey squirt blasts escaped. I was on the pot for another 20 minutes, clenching, straining and streaming.

I saw my neighbor the next day, we passed each other in the parking lot. Me, embarrassed yet five pounds lighter said softly, “hello”. He responded firmly, “hello”. Ironically, when he moved he said I was a great neighbor, “very quiet”.

R59 how physically close do you live to your neighbor that you can hear him put his comb down?

I ate 3 hard boiled eggs and diet pepsi. I stood up at my desk and farted. Ran to the restroom leaving puddles of shit

You people are absolute savages!

Apparently, there are still hand-wringing rubes who have never heard of Beano.

thinking of you all as i poop at work.

a former coworker used to call me “dookie love” and once, when he realized i was in the stall next to him, would call my name to get my attention just to be sure i’d hear his bombs hitting the water.

about a year later he invited me to his apartment for drinks. no dookie was involved.

I think many of these posts were composed on smart phones while you evil people were shitting your brains out.

I made doo doos today at work. I didn’t flush or wash my hands afterward. Just letting you know.

Did you wipe?

Didn't Elvis die before he got to flush the toilet?

If R66 did wipe, that’s not interesting.

[quote]our overweight office manager goes the John before me and while I wait outside [italic]she lets rip with a huge explosion of gas and shit that could be heard all the way down the hallway and canteen.[/italic]

And that, ladies and germs, is how our universe began.

"Explosive gas at work"

You seem ideally suited to be a gas chamber apparatus guard in states that have the death penalty.

The diet pepsi egg combo wins. Slow clap

[quote]What do you do in cases where you have to fart so badly, but you can't get away?

Look whoever you're with straight in the eye, unwrap your "present" and smile.

I don't wanna keep hearing these gross stories of farting and shitting. As a top I prefer to think that the only things coming out of my bottom's ass are rainbows and glitter.

I’m vers at R59.

R59, you're hilarious!

Other peoples' misery = our comedy.

.....

I thank the sweet baby Jeebus every day that my office restroom has completely private stalls. Like, floor to ceiling walls and real doors. Pooping heaven!

Incidentally, I’ve noticed this to be the norm in many public restrooms in the UK, too. So civilized!

I cut a smelly one in my bosses chair last week. He wasn’t in the office. Made me laugh that he sat on my fart afterward.

Anyone who thinks humans aren't descendants of monkeys needs only read this thread.

Apes not monkeys.

And apes came from monkeys.

R82: No, both apes and monkeys are descended from early proto-mammals that took to the trees. They have a similar lineage but branched out and evolved in different ways.

Last night i had the worst, painful gas, couldn't sleep it was so frequent. Thank god my poor husband can sleep through anything.

Just give yourself a big ol' late-night enema, R84. Get the rotting waste out of your gut and no more gas will be produced. End of story.

Here I sit, broken hearted. Came to shit, and only farted!

Think ahead op, carry some Beano tablets with you.

F&F the scat trolls. Jesus.

Oh my ^^^ !!!

R87, meet R63.

My boss was out sick yesterday so I went into his bathroom and made doo doos in his shitter and didn’t flush. Take that, boss. Ha ha ha

Unrelated (kinda), but I found this so bizarre, wondering if anyone else does: in our restroom stalls at work, there's a trash bin next to each toilet. In one of them, someone had thrown away a chocolate bar wrapper (Ritter Sport Milk Chocolate with Cornflakes). So was this person eating chocolate while on the commode, or did they just happen to be carrying an empty (and large) chocolate bar wrapper on them? So weird!!

Probably, R92.

r56 #HappierTimes When men could be men and woman were appreciated, and loved!

Just let er rip, then blame it on one of your co-workers.

Fart and say to bystanders, "I'd like you to meet my microbiome. "

Fart loudly, then, in your best British accent, say, "Have that one on me, duchess."

We have cubicles at work and I just let the gas fly and infiltrate all the other cubicles. You never know who cut one. It could be any of us.

Wasn't there a thread a while ago about someone who was having sex with his boyfriend when he farted.

Has anyone got any stories like that?

I worked for a Fortune 500 financial services firm in NYC I had a friend in the dept. and we would take a bathroom break together. Standing at the urinal I usually cut one I would turn to my friend and say you can quote me if you like. It always cracked him up.

Too funny, r100!

R100: After a butt reaker, you may also try: "What did that asshole say"?

My sister had a co-worker Who used to always shit in the file drawers. She would open up L through Z and get a real treat! Then the Company realized the poor employee had sundowning syndrome !

[R103] What?

r99 welcome to my life

Me and my boyfriend Kiki was fooling around while he was stocking shelfs at the Dollar Tree store in Compton, CA and he farted real bad right near the display of pound cakes. He goes "man I hope those cakes don't take on the smell of that thing cause it smells like Long Beach at low tide." Kiki farts all the time and I told him not to do it at work because one day he's going to fart at the wrong person.

Doesn't he spell his name "Kaka?"

R92, I eat sometimes while on the shitter. Nothing wrong with multitasking.

I go into the stairwell at work when I need to let one rip.

r79 This is your boss. You are fired.

All this is fine if you work in an office. Not everyone does.

r109 i lean forward in my chair so it comes out nice and loud!

I would just say that I need to go out to my car to get something, then let er rip once you're outside.

Here is what happens

Good god I’m so glad I work at home! Offices are just a house of horrors!

Unless you like log jams and fart blossoms.

R99: I know a guy who's boyfriend dumped him because he farted while his partner was tonguing his hole.

R117 I would also dump someone if they did that to me.

Me too, R118. That’s just on purpose and disrespectful.

r117 i went on one(1) date with a guy who offered to “tongue-slap your fart box”

[quote][R117] i went on one(1) date with a guy who offered to “tongue-slap your fart box”

And thus is born another DL catchphrase.

"Tongue-punch your fart box" has been around for a while in street use.

Enough R121.

Don't get saucy, R123, or someone might tongue-slap YOUR fart box.

The old battleaxe in the next office gets explosive diarrhea often. She shits all over the toilet in the shared ladies room. Its gross.

Don't you love when a coworker talks while pooping ,and moaning?

The other day I was standing in line at the supermarket when the stench of something really awful wafted at me. I turned around to see what it might be and caught the eye of the majorly good-looking guy directly behind me. He then smiled this really evil little smile. He was so busted. We both started laughing.

I take care of all that BEFORE work on my morning run.

This is the most entertaining thread I have had the pleasure of reading in weeks.

It was such a lovely diversion from reading about Trump, cultural appropriation, Waffle House arrests and The Golden Girls.

[quote]Clean up your diet, OP, so your workplace walls stay feces free.

You mean like this, R4?

Stop eating processed foods. You won't fart as much, if at all.

i beg your pardon, r132?

I didn't notice the smell.

I stay out of West Wing often, ees too smelly vit many diapers and dumb drooling dotard.

I like making doo doos at work and not flushing.

R132 NOBODY farts as stinkily as some vegetarians I have known. I admit it seems counter to logic, but I have a friend who exists on beans and legumes mostly, and her gas is positively lethal.

That's not gas, r137

My bosses both fart in their offices.

r137, the human body has problems breaking down beans, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, asparagus because they contain raffinose, a hard-to-digest sugar that's notorious for causing gas.

Asparagus just came out here. Fart fart fart!

I usually don't have major trouble with fartine foods such as beans, but if I get anywhere near a pancake I'll fart for hours. I have no idea why this is. Mind you, I'm not complaining, since I think farting is fun, I just don't understand why pancakes have this fartulent effect on me.

[quote]I'm not complaining, since I think farting is fun

agreed, r143. my inner teen-ager loves a good shower fart at the gym (technically at work so this is on topic)

Has anyone else sampled Trader Joe’s Rolled Oats & Peanut Butter Fiberful Granola Bars?

I think I could have filled an entire stadium with my farts after eating a few. I had to step outside of my house to break some wind in actual wind that would carry the gas away. And I was at home alone.

I had this happen at work this week. I almost didn't get to the men's room fast enough.

I love having Carvel shakes. The next day I’m like a fucking trumpet

It's hilarious that you should choose that descriptive. I rarely fart, in fact it's almost bizarre how little I do, but 2 months ago I had a 3 day gastro-intestinal issue which gave me almost 15 hours(if all compacted together over the 3 days) of raucous gas.

One night while I was in bed alone, after a 3 minute solo instrumental, I thought to myself, "That's not faring, that is a butt trumpet."

They call me farty McFarter at work. I can’t help it.

Just as I rounded the corner of an aisle at Vons, the kid halfway up the aisle who was stocking shelves farted very loudly, probably because he didn't see anyone around. He was so nonchalant about it that I thought maybe I'd heard something else. As I got closer to him I realized that I wasn't wrong. It was a fart, alright. God, was it ever. Such a putrid stench from such a nice-looking boy.

I usually don't fart at work but if I must I walk and fart.

That is how we flight attendants deal with it R150. We are putt, putt, putting like a moped as we cruise the aisle. By the time you smell the fart, we are already 16 rows away, so you instead suspect your seat mate.

At 30,000 feet, it's going to happen, All the Beano in the world can't prevent it. The good news is that high altitude farts are not always smelly. Often they are just air.

What is the science behind odorless farts at high altitudes?

Simple solution - go into the men's room and flush as you explode. Repeat as necessary.

I have been known to asphyxiate people on public buses and trains. The look of horror and repulsion on their faces is hysterical. Blame it on the eggs for breakfast.

I love doing SBD’s in public and then watching reactions. Hysterical! Especially when they can’t easily escape like in an elevator or on a plane or subway. I get my jollies from that.

I found this great quote on some other thread:

"I love Dollar Tree. The manager always claps when a customer farts."

Go to the bathroom on a different floor. The shoes are unrecognizable and let it all out. Just don't leave the stall until everyone has exited or they are in their stall.

[quote]Don't you have a fart jar?

OMFG, that totally just reminded me of something that happened when I was a kid!

We were on vacation, and we stopped in at one of those restaurant/gas station/convenience stores for lunch. There were a bunch of silly pennants on the wall, and one said "Save gas - fart in a jar!" (This was in the late 70's, btw.)

Well, 6-y.o. me thought that was the funniest thing I'd ever read in my life, and I proceeded to basically ROFLMAO. I couldn't even eat my food, I was laughing so damn hard. My prim and proper (read: cold bitch too obsessed with what others thought of her) mom was, of course, furious and embarassed by my "crass" behaviour, and I got dragged out to the car for a spanking (read: she whipped me as hard as she possibly could with a leather belt on my bare ass). Fucking cunt.

It was still a funny sign, however.

I had the explosive diarrhea at work today. Guess I shouldn’t have eaten those 2 bean burritos yesterday. I didn’t flush. Let someone else look at my shit. Ha ha ha ha

Usually after 100 guys have shot their spermies into me I drink it in a wine glass. No sperm is ever wasted on me.

Bean burritos cause diarrhea?

I’ve been diagnosed with gastritis of the bowels. Help!!!!

Can you imagine how many farts have been ripped off in those airplane seat cushions.

R153 Yes, always use the courtesy flush.

I farted at work and made a doo doo.

We know, Linda @R165.

Tonight I crop-dusted the true crime aisle at Barnes & Noble. I pity whoever walked into it. I fled to another aisle immediately after the rectal onslaught.

If someone died at Barnes and Noble in the True Crime aisle due to crop dusting, would that be considered murder in the first or second?

farts have feelings, too

[quote]If someone died at Barnes and Noble in the True Crime aisle due to crop dusting, would that be considered murder in the first or second?[quote]

I don't know, but I'm sure the arresting officer would say, "You have the right to remain silent—but deadly."

I was reminded of this thread today when I accidentally farted loudly at Kmart. No one noticed, even though there were people around. I guess they're used to that kind of thing at Kmart.

Oh my—was that you? ^

I think I told this story on DL before, but here goes. I had had chili for breakfast one day (nothing unusual for me), and for some reason, my body reacted badly. The gas pains were painful. I went to different bathrooms on several different floors, but they were all occupied. I was mortified. Eventually, I went outside and got into my car, and drove to the nearest park, where I unloaded clouds of gas, keeping the car windows rolled down (it was winter, and there was snow on the ground). I got back to work, feeling so much better, and one of my co-workers told me she had been looking for me, and wanted to know where I was. I told her the truth, and she laughed until she was in tears, and couldn't stop laughing, since I was always such a prissy boy, and she was shocked that I might ever do something so tawdry as that.

r173 you would die where i work. all three of my former supervisors have farted regularly and loudly in the workplace - one as i was following him up a flight of stairs.

I was sitting in an attorney's office with a couple of other people when one of the attorneys walked into the adjacent restroom, closed the door, unwrapped one of the loudest farts I have EVER heard, then walked out. Not a word was said by anyone. After he disappeared back into his office, the rest of us just looked at each other in shock and awe.

Please tell Linda in bookkeeping not to bring her 3 bean chili to the lunchtime potluck. You could hear and smell farts all afternoon long.

You know that on Tuesday there will be workplace farts aplenty after the holiday weekend of eating lots of gassy barbecue food. Farts are just the ghosts of things we ate.

Hot dogs & beans tomorrow = explosive gas on Tuesday at work!

OP is being humble. He was once in a movie!

If you fart in a cheese factory will anyone notice?

Honey, you need a 'safe haven.' If you work for a large company then go to another floor. I once walked 10 blocks to a NYSC I never go to just to unload a bbq poop.

I let ALOT of gas out at work today. Damn Memorial Day barbeque. Ate everything that I shouldn’t have eaten. Gasses galore today.

My coworker who moved to accounting always had ginger tea bags on the ready for those gassy days like today.

So, Gladys, what is the status?

Of your shame inducing flatus?

Since going vegan, or rather plant based, I’ve been ripping a lot. It’s calmed down because I take Beano but I think Beano intensifies the smell. I ripped one just now and it stunk. Last night at the gym, I ripped one and had to immediately move to different area of the gym because of the smell. Last week, I ripped one while stretching in front of a guy while stretching—luckily he didn’t hear it. This was pre-Beano, post-plant based. I was mortified, but thank god he didn’t hear.

R185 hahahahaha

You're a real GAS!!!

I ripped a good one in the elevator today. It smelled. Everyone was trapped.

R187: It's more fun to fart on an escalator, because regardless of whether you're going up or down, the fumes are sure to envelop everyone behind you.

Change your diet.

Whatever for? Who doesn't like to fart?

I shit all over everyone yesterday...

... except I wasn't at work....

.... and wasn't it Ambien's fault?...

Enough ^^. Omg. This thread was hysterical.

...I also farted plenty too. That must have been Ambien's fault....

...it was enough to wake me back up and get back on twitter 2 tell u all not to defend me as I continued fart-tweeting....

I recently smelled something fartine at work and believed the person nearest me had unwrapped one, but when I returned to my desk the smell got even worse. Turned out I'd somehow stepped in a pile of dogshit somewhere and a huge clump of it was stuck to the bottom of my shoe, causing the stench. I had to go out to the parking lot to scrape my shoe on the curb.

All Roseanne posts are blocked. No more. No. More.

If Sir Ian McKellen can fart on the James Corden show there should be no shame farting in a work bathroom.

Remember that thread years ago where the OP ate some sort of fish that made him shart orange all over his chair at work? I am not sure I have ever laughed so hard.

Butterfish, R197? If that's what you're thinking of, that was a good thread!

lutefisk, r197. it’s best with lots of butter.

YES! That was it. That was hilarious.

Here it is!

Thanks for the link, R201. That was hilarious. Too bad it was closed at 158 responses.

I've been farting up a storm tonight and they smell like plough mud.

I don't know what crawled up my ass, but it's sure as hell trying to get out. One particular fart this afternoon was physically hot, seemingly much hotter than my bowels from which it burst forth. I hope nothing's wrong.

Hot? Was it a diarrhea fart? Diarrhea is the only steamy pile that comes out of me. Luckily, you didn’t try R204, you would have had to start your weekend early.

No, R205, it was just very hot air. [italic]Fetid[/italic] hot air. Usually farting is fun, but this isn't. If it doesn't get better in a couple of hours, I may have to drag out the enema bag and ask my BF to give me a hand with exorcising whatever rectal demon has taken over my a-hole.

Hot ^^.

Many years ago, I had to commute by local bus for a few miles from Boulder, CO to a nearby town for my job at a law firm. One morning, hubby made a smoothie. Nothing major. Tasty. I had had them before without issues. Well, about 1/3 through my not very long ride, I felt a rumbling that felt like Dune sandworms. It got worse and then all of a sudden I realized the likelihood of shitting in my pants was increasing exponentially. Such excruciating mental and physical pain.

I considered just getting off the bus and hiding and pooping behind a bush on the route. I managed to make to my stop, cross the street, and make it to the gas room bathroom right outside my office building. Come to find out my husband had added Metamucil to both our breakfast smoothies without telling me. (We’d never had it before and didn’t know it would take almost immediate effect.)

I had diarrhea during my wedding. Had to shit in the church bathroom. Everyone wondered where I went. It was the worst.

Howdy, Meg. How's Liz?

I farted at work It smelled like death

[quote]I farted at work It smelled like death

Wasn't that the plot of an episode of [italic]Six Feet Under[/italic]?

Seriously though, what can you actually do about an office mate who silently farts all the time? It really isn't pleasant. No one wants to confront him because he outranks us (in more ways than one).

It’s a power fart move. I fart all the time in my office, knowing full well that it radiates out to my subordinates. What are they going to do? Prove it?

....

OR…you could simply say very loudly to the room in general, "Jesus Christ, that baby smells like it was born dead."

Upon starting a new drug regimen, my mother could not contain the soul wrenching, toe curling, gag enducing rectal emission side affects.

I mistakingly followed her into an adjacent room and nearly passed out. After recovering, I exclaimed, “Good god woman! Those are old lady death farts!” To which we raucously laughed. And laughed. Which caused a secondary nearly World War One level gassing.

She died soon thereafter.

At her visitation , during a quiet moment with my aunts, I shared the story. Her sisters still laugh about going to battle with “The Old Lady Death Farts” (TM)

I recently got a text from my youngest aunt.:

“OMG. Verdun”

Gurl, I keep some wet wipes and my own personal roll of company TP in my desk at work for those explosive gas and diarrhea emergencies. I never use wet wipes at home because they are bad for plumbing, but I give zero fucks about the plumbing at the job.

I am thinking about purchasing some of those toilet seat covers as well, because the cleaning people are so stingy about putting them out. I have bad knees and cant be bothered with squatting.

"Explosive gas at work"

I ate a bag of this candy at work. By the time I arrived home at the end of the day, the bathroom / loo was my prison cell for the following four hours. The destruction to the bathroom / loo after this period ensures I will not be getting my security deposit back.

R217 here, forgot to mention the initial gas attack occurred at her office!

What's really awful is when someone silently farts in the company lunchroom at chow time.

What's awful is when you think you can cover a fart with a simultaneous fake sneeze and you miscue and you do one and THEN the other instead of in unison. I don't even try any more.

Fartibump.

Back when Activia yogurt first came on the market, I had no idea it was designed to make you shit, I thought it was just regular yogurt. Immediately before leaving for work one morning, I ate two cups of it and also had a banana. Really, really stupid of me. An hour later I was sitting at my desk when all of a sudden I had a terrible stomach cramp and I had to take a shit IMMEDIATELY. There was no time to lose, thank god I wasn't in a meeting or even worse, out on my coffee run. I prayed to God I didn't shit my pants on my way to the john. I made it to the men's room just in time and took a monstrous, unbelievable dump. It was like I hadn't taken a shit in two weeks! I've never had Activia again.

[quote]Didn't Elvis die before he got to flush the toilet?

Yes, he was taking a shit when he had his fatal heart attack. He suffered from chronic constipation because of all the drugs he was took. At times, he also suffered from uncontrollable diarrhea. He shit his pants while giving concerts several times in the last years of his life.

Better to fart than shart...

Someone here sharted last Friday.

PSH was sublime in Along Came Polly, r226. His gift for comedy never got its full due.

Don't take mega colon blow

"I'm bleeding…"

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Thanks for posting that, R229.

That clip reminds me of Dolores from HR. She’s always walking around farting.

Dear Lord in Heaven!

I said this before on another thread but it bears repeating: the two funniest words used in conjunction with each other are "muffled fart."

On Friday, I had the most horrible bowel movement in the office. It actually looked like I had my period (I am a man.) I started to panic and thought that I would need to go to hospital.

Then I remembered I had roasted beets for lunch.

Someone in the office had a chili cheese dog and strawberry Yahoo. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

For r233:

I was writing a motorist a ticket this morning when I felt the beginnings of a fart, so I thought I'd just set it free in the warm California sunshine. Just at the point of launch, however, I realized it was way more than a fart, so I was able to abort it and keep it safely sequestered by keeping my buttocks clenched. I was very uncomfortable but was able to continue writing the cite.

I then sprinted to the Burger King across the street to use their restroom. Man, it was like a bomb went off. I'm sure you could have heard the blast out on the street. This and the ensuing projectile diarrhea was accompanied by some major abdominal cramping. After about 10 minutes on the can I felt fine.

I am very glad I trusted my instincts and kept the initial fart to myself. I could have been in some REAL trouble.

Gaseous bump

I farted once, but didn't much like it.

Farts can be very tricky...

Farts turn into sharts quite easily. Luckily I live about 5 minutes away from work. Many times I have had to hightale it home when I shit my pants at work thinking that it was only a fart.

I had a massive amount of Taco Bell for dinner last night. I woke myself up by farting loudly several times. I am not looking forward to going to work this afternoon. It's going to be a fartbath.

Bad Romance Sherry Vine parody on YouTube!

Bummmpppphhhh

R1 You truly made me laugh out loud. Why come to DL with these dumb ass issues. Its so annoying. Fkin go to the bathroom or a place in the corner and fart for fuck sake.

Eat beans a lot And you'll have to squat And the methane will exit down South --

But eat beans too much And your sphincter will clutch And the farts will be forced from your mouth!

R246, that's so true. Listen to me weekdays on "The View."

R243's video.

"Someone has soiled the air."

Thank you for that, R215. I can't wait to use that line.

I love cutting smelly farts in my cubicle and listening to people’s reactions as it penetrates the air. I get off on that.

r250 I bet you say "whoever smelt it delt it"

Live. Laugh. Fart.

I've soiled the air so bad in here that my cat left in disgust

Wouldn't it be fun if you could actually see farts, as well as hearing and smelling them? Of course that would pretty much put an end to farting anonymously.

[quote]Wouldn't it be fun if you could actually see farts, as well as hearing and smelling them? Of course that would pretty much put an end to farting anonymously.

farting at work makes me incredibly anxious

That's funny, being anxious at work makes me fart.

R250: Me too! I imagine the cloud slowly seeping up and over the Herman Miller cube walls and slowly sinking down into the surrounding offices (kind of like the cloud seeping into Egypt as it kills the firstborn in "The Ten Commandments") and waiting for the shrieks of the afflicted to begin - then I silently sing Debra Paget's song from the same movie: "Death cometh to mee..."

I enjoy farting to show tunes

I enjoy farting to show off.

Considering that in the UK, a "trump" is a resoundingly huge, rumbling greasy fart, we should import Mr. Methane to Pennsylvania Ave.

Fun with a company loudspeaker.

Farts as harbingers of doom:

Broccoli farts tonight. Hope they're gone by tomorrow.

R263 - I lost it at the dog's reaction at :55.

Peter Griffin farts at Marlee Matlin.

When I worked at ARAMARK I was on the elevator with the President of the company. He let out a loud one,with several people inside. I looked up and our eyes met. I quickly turned away...and prayed that we’d never run into each other again...

"ARAMARK" actually sounds like the sound of a particularly loud, unmuffled fart.

I left a rotten egg bomb on the elevator last night leaving work.

You need a set of stealth shoes, OP-something to slip on when you're in danger of being 'Stall-ID'ed'.

I've read elsewhere that a lot of cube fraus do this. Take your next lunch at DFL or Ross and pick up some cute slip-on numbers.

Your food intake really should reflect your activities and location. I was on a road trip recently with a bunch of other geezers (and there's ALWAYS one that needs a bathroom frequently) and this one guy wanted to order chili, coleslaw and beer at the food break. To a man we told him to order something other than the bomb ingredients he wanted or we'd leave him at the restaurant. He settled for grilled cheese and a sasparilla.

Farting at work guidelines.

Compared to this, mine aren't too bad.

The Fart Hole.

I was at the DMV yesterday and the place was packed, as usual for a Friday afternoon. A fecal stench started filtering through the crowd, which was about 95% hispanic. Nobody even reacted, as if this was something that just routinely often occurred in their culture. It was—truly—one of the worst farts I ever had to sit through.

What were they supposed to do, R274, sniff out and ticket the offender?

[quote]What were they supposed to do, [R274], sniff out and ticket the offender?

No, but usually at the scene of a public farting there is some general commotion and/or outcry: "oh my god, do you smell that?", "wow, someone farted!", "Jesus, I think I'm gonna hoop!", etc. But in this case, there was nothing but cold, stoic silence as the toxic cloud worked its foul magic.

Jury duty farts are the worst.

Fart bump.