Has any one here ever found their true soulmate after 40?

There are no soulmates there are just mates.

I popularized the concept of "soulmates."

Turns out my soulmate is bread.

A friend found love in his 50s a few years ago and they are getting married this summer.

R1 blah. I just turned 35 and I'm started to feel the same as OP. All the apps are disgusting. The guy I'm currently seeing is very sweet, smart, and he is a great kisser - - - but - - - he talks like Regina George/ Cher Horowitz. I just can't deal with his flamboyance. If they aren't flaming queens, they are sluts that only want to fuck and be in an open relationship. Are there any REGULAR ASS GAYS IN THE WORLD?????

I'm 35 too OP and starting to feel the same way. I've given up on love I just want to find someone responsible and level headed. I feel like I'm in a rush now before 40 to find a partner. At this point I still have guys interested in me but things have changed. I used to be fine with living my life alone and fucking attractive guys who came along but holding out for "true love"

I was 34, but he was 42. We've been together for 24 years, married for five.

Chris Rock put it best R4.

There are no soulmates.

There are just people who you can do things with and hopefully you like doing things with most of the time.

I'm not saying people don't fall madly and terribly in love with one another sometimes but that doesn't last. Eventually you end up with a friend ... that you can do things with and hopefully like doing things with.

I was 39.5 when I met mine. He is 10 years younger. Mid-week invitation from friends to go out to the bar that I reluctantly accepted and there he was. We've been together 12 years.

There is hope. My mother remarried in her mid forties and her and my stepfather have an amazing relationship. Her marriage to my father was really miserable so it makes me happy. She was also a mother to three and broke so things don't look so bleak for me when I think of that.

[quote] Are there any REGULAR ASS GAYS IN THE WORLD?????

I love ass gays!

I know more than a few people who did.

After 40 one pays for a good soulmate.

I know people who've found long-term partners after 40 and even 50.

I don't think it's desperation or settling so much as it is modifying expectations and deciding that every box doesn't have to be checked, as well as understanding that some particular traits should be weighted more than they had been in the past - like loyalty, reliability/dependability, and such.

I know folks who had outright ridiculous requirements which they themselves couldn't even meet, yet expected to find partners fulfilling those requirements. It's fine if you meet your own requirements, but when you wouldn't even date yourself, that says a lot about you.

R2 Not sure if you made that up, but thank you. I laughed really hard.

Met him at 49, marrying him this summer (I'm 52) - he's 180 degrees from what I would have labeled my dream man 15 or 20 years ago, but I was an asshole then. He makes me want to be a better person, is brilliant and the sex is porn worthy.

Maybe you can only meet your soulmate after 40....when you know yourself and your needs better, when you are less of a fool.

Yeah, drop the soulmate BS. Iv been in a relationship for over 20 years and I never thought of my other half as my "soulmate". We were attracted to each other, we fell in love and turned out we still like being around each other. I know that sounds basic but at the end of the day you really need to enjoy being around each other and enjoy each other's company. It should not be a chore.

I have known many couples over the years and you can just tell which ones will make it and which ones wont. Usually the ones that fail are not close other than sex. For example, some of them are very picky about paying for dinner with each other like its some kind of shitty dutch date. Or there is constant arguing or constant antagonistic behavior masked as flirting. Or very separate about money in case they want to make a quick exit. Like roommates instead of a union of two people.

[Quote]Maybe you can only meet your soulmate after 40....when you know yourself and your needs better, when you are less of a fool.

This is a good point.

If you spout tweenage BS about "soulmates" you make it a lot less likely that you will find a close, meaningful relation. Life is not a romance novel and if you try to read it as if it were, you will not see what is really out there for you.

R17 so you did not find YOUR soulmate. You found someone to tolerate because no one better came around. Let me guess, you have an open relationship, too.

52 years old here. Late bloomer. But Ssill hoping to find guy that I can partner with. Do not have any illusions that it is a soul mate. But hope to find good, smart fun person.

My ex found his true love and soulmate at age 45. They have now been together for 22 years and are truly a wonderful couple.

I’m very happy for them and that they found each other. So OP, it happens.

r4 obviously doesn't deserve a soulmate. He doesn't even deserve a holemate.

Met my guy on the eve of my 38th birthday--he was 57. Together 23 years later--legally married for 3. Best man I've ever known.

It's not obvious to me. Please explain R23.

I'm 36, nearly 37 and I all too well understand the sentiments of others who are alone and lonely in this thread. I try to keep some hope, but the bitterness is setting in. I've never had an actual relationship for any length of time. I've never had anyone to refer to as my boyfriend. I've never woken up next to someone who decided to spend some small part of their life with me.

My parents are dead. I have no siblings, the few family members that I am in contact with are toxic. The circle of gay friends that I had dispersed to other parts of the country between 2010 and 2012, I never hear from them after I gave up on initiating contact. My best friend became distant after I set him up with his now husband four years ago. I'm the only one who knows that he only continued seeing the guy because it made the guy he wanted pay him more attention. I know too many of his secrets, so I hear from him only in times of need or crisis. Hell I'm a better friend with his husband that him these days.

I'm not looking for a "Soulmate" just someone with a shared attraction and an agreeable personality to my own. Though, honestly, I don't want to die without ever having felt loved by someone in a romantic sense. While I know it tall turns to friendship in the end I want to know what that bond is like with a lover.

I think about suicide a lot because of this and the fear that something unbearable will happen. My life has no meaning and no excitement. I work to pay for the cost of living and I have no life because I work all the time. I didn't party when I was young. Stupidly turned down casual sex until I was 28, having only a few, closeted lovers despite having come out to the world at 19. I trusted them, and knew them well enough to know I would never fall for them. The ones that I did fall for I never had sex with yet I still mourned them for years after I had to cut them out of my life. It's a hell of a thing, falling in love with two married closet cases who will never come out. Still it's been 11 years Friday since I laid eyes on the last one of those.

I want to believe that love is coming. I look at gay men from my age into their late 40s and hope they notice me. Yet I always end up in the friend zone. The guy who gets called at 3 AM when something is wrong. I don't know the feeling of a romantic touch, just the animalistic grabbing of men wanting to get off. Sure some have made it fun. But it's like comparing a bath house to a bedroom. I haven't done anything sexual with another person since Easter of 2015 and I forced myself though that encounter. I can get off on porn, but casual sex seldom sounds appealing.

I'm tired of hurting inside, I"m tired of being tired, and I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I'll get the chance to be like other people. I'm sick of it always being assumed that I'm available for whatever they need from me because, after all, I'm single and have nothing else to do, and I'm sick beyond words of those people being right.

Meet them on a weekly basis. Even though I can pass for 25

I think the soulmates of my life have been platonic, and I am at peace with that

And if you are holding out, that is okay. Your soulmate and your dream lover/fantasy can still be different things. I'm 31 but act like a stupid teenager (not on purpose, I'm just .... Goofy), and so many guys my age are like "I just want a man who I can spend the rest of my life with .... And looks and acts like EXACTLY THIS ALGORITHM THAT I HAVE DECIDED ON, AND I WILL NOT BUDGE FROM IT." Those people might win the lottery or also be very lonely, y'know?

My soulmate is 30 years older than me, extremely wealthy and enjoys plastic surgery as much as I do.

R25 He's a homophobic douchebag.

I didnt find my love til my late 30s. I have friends and colleagues that found love after 40. My Mom was widowed in her 50s and had a lovely partner until his kids started acting like idiots because she wasn't Ronan Catholic. My brother found a nice girlfriend after his divorce at 55.

My heart goes out to all seeking love and acceptance and companionship. I hope you learn to love yourself, be the type of partner you'd like to meet, and seek professional support if that resonates with you. (((Hugs)))

Ronan Catholic = New twist on Irish Catholic!

I had the great relationship of my life already - it lasted 15 yrs. I’m content with that and don’t expect another.

Please hang in there R26, you are not alone in your circumstances.

A lasting great love with a "soulmate" is not going to happen for all of us. Had three LTRs. First lasted 10 years (still friends), second lasted 6 (he died that was the big love, but there was much angst) and the last 6 years (he was crazy, I was desperate to not grow older alone). At 65, I have been on my own for the last 10 years. My regrets don't center on any of the relationships, but I wish I had done more for myself in terms of education and career. My closest relationship has been with my best friend of 43 years. Provide for yourself and try to make and keep a close friend. They provide consistency, solace, and someone to count on. and care about.

Met mine at 36, he's eight years younger. We've been together for ten years. I love him more than anyone I've ever known. He's the best human being I know

R26, you should like an intelligent person which is why I'm telling you this. You need to speak to a professional about your feelings. Not some idiotic counselor but a psychiatrist. There are many, many valuable things in life. Having a partner is only one of them.

r26 - where do you live?

I love you, R26!

I met Bill when I was 49.He was 59 We only had 11yrs together.I miss him.

At almost 54 I guess I'm outta luck OP.

I found my soulmate by going back to school at 40. It was platonic, but he knew I wanted more. He was 12 years younger, but we were study buddies, drinking buddies, and I thought we know everything about each other. He told me once that "God put us together for a reason." After over five years of friendship, I was the one who found him dead of an overdose in his house. I consider him my soulmate and think of him every day.

It’s too late for you. You will die alone. Don’t believe these wonderful fairytale endings posted above that begin with “my cousin’s sister had a next door neighbor who found Love later in life.....” It’s not going to happen for you. Plus you reek of desperation.

I found my true soulmate at 41!

And then at 41, and then at 42, and then at 42.75, and then at 43, and then at 43.5, and then at 44, and then at 45, and then at 45.25, and then at 45.50, and then at 46, and then...

[quote][R17] so you did not find YOUR soulmate. You found someone to tolerate because no one better came around. Let me guess, you have an open relationship, too.

You are completely wrong, if you must know we have a monogamy relationship. We dont "tolerate" each other, that's my point, we like being around each other even after all these years. I am just saying soulmate is a ridiculous term and it smacks of a fantacy16 year old girls have about prince charming.

Soulmate implies a one shot deal. If you missed your chance, that's it. I call bull shit on that notion because it not uncommon to fall in love more than once in a lifetime.

My Soulmate is BUTTER!!!!

I was widowed at 39, found a new love at 41. Now at 56, he's dying.

Sucks to be me.

I guess I missed the memo about DL hosting a chapter of Frau Central.

R45 my apologies - I misread.

I do not believe one has just one soulmate. Maybe one has more than one SOULMATE in life, maybe not - I don't think it sounds childish to want a Prince Charming in life...it sounds like you found yours - and LUCKY YOU!

It helps to be lucky.

R26, that's good advice from R37. You're depressed. Talking with a professional can be very helpful in dealing with that. Possibly some medication too. You sound like a sensitive person, which has both advantages and disadvantages. You're also still very young. There are so many possibilities for good things to experience. Good luck.

Dear R43, my condolences. It must be a living hell to be you.

I hope it's possible, OP. Not really planning on starting to look until I'm 40.

My long-term partner left right before my 40th birthday. I found out later he has someone younger.

I've given up. I have a lot to offer, but I'm not that great looking and not as exciting as others, I guess. And now: too old. There's always a better option out there, and it's never me. (I'm in NYC. )

Haven't "gotten back out there" because I can't stomach the rejection that comes with dating anymore.

I've just accepted that I've failed in this way and love was not in the cards for me. It's not distressing anymore — it just is. I'll age alone and die alone and so what.

OP, you might want to consider a companionship arrangement with another bottom. It's not the ideal, but it's better than nothing.

R1 is right. The hot passionate stuff is usually for a very short time. If you both stay after that ebbs then there is something deeper.

[quote] I'll age alone and die alone and so what.

That's actually what will happen to most people, even the ones currently partnered. Unless you die with your partner in an automobile accident or mutual suicide pact, you're probably going to have to figure out how to live without the other person for an extended period of time, and possibly at an age when finding another partner won't be possible.

So you're "alone", but you're not alone in your circumstances.

"Has any one here ever found their true soulmate after 40?"

Obviously.

Well Holland Taylor seems happy with that creepy Sarah.

And Sondheim with his grandson adjacent.

No, but I learned to love someone despite him being my soul opposite.

I know many who have OP. In a lot of ways I think over 40 is a good time as some are more settled in their career etc. Experienced more of life. Perhaps know what they want in a partner. I think dating is very complicated these days. In my experience when you stop looking it’s often the time that special someone enters your life. Good luck. In all honesty I don’t think most people really meet their ‘soul mate’. It’s more about being able to tolerate someone 🤣🤣.

One of my older friends who used to live in the same condo building as I do lost his partner when he was around 60. Fast forward he just met his new love who has moved in with him and they are both about the same age. He's 74! I met the guy, they both seem really happy. Taking it slow to see how it goes. I could be snarky and say better hurry up but my friend's mother lived to 98 so chance are he has another 20 years if he is lucky. Love can happen at any age.

R61, then it's a matter of finding one's soso mate.

I found bread.

It’s happened, but it’s a lot of work. At this point, there’s re-treads. My partner comes with a lot of baggage. His fucked up entitled millennial nightmares are part of the package. His ex remains a real piece of fucked up work.

Everyone has baggage at that age, the key is it should be small enough to fit in a backpack not a steamer trunk!

R38 Southeast Georgia

R39 Thank you.

R34 I understand that I'm not alone in my circumstances, I just wish that we all had some sort of meetings so that we could at least not feel alone in our loneliness. For most of my 20s I felt as though I was the only out gay man in the world who wasn't superficial. Being a sheltered only child leaves you identifying more with your parents generation. Five or six of my cousin's classmates came out as gay, lesbian or trans. They were only five years younger than me, yet to them I've always been an old man.

I was nearing 30 when I finally found a local peer group (of other gay men.) that I felt myself to be truly accepted and contemporaries with. They were all at least a decade older and I never had a stronger feeling of belonging. Two of the couples I was close with were ended by death, with the other partner relocating afterward. One moved to their home city after the only working member suffered a job loss, he was forced to take a job with a former employer and they moved quickly. Another was only living here because one of them had gotten married and had a daughter, came out in his early 30s and they'd moved here because his ex-wife had remarried and moved to the area, he wanted to spend time with his daughter. They moved as soon as the daughter was able to fly to Key West alone to visit them.

None of them were actually locals, and the few people in that social circle who were local went back to looking for hookups in restrooms and at the local gay campground once the the others left, It was as though normal socialization among gay friends had never existed. They all went back to hook-ups with closet cases and people visiting from out of town.

R37 I paid for therapy for over a year. I did my due diligence in making sure the doctor was gay friendly. She was a single woman who drove a Subaru and had Out and the Advocate in her waiting room My insurance didn't cover therapy, she did actually lower her rate to $100/hr after the first few sessions. Still I felt that she preferred lesbian patients. After a year we got nowhere. At this point she'd even helped me revise my dating site profiles because she felt I was "too honest". It didn't change the fact that I wasn't getting any views. I think I had three views on legit dating sites the entire year. I let her read my hookup app messages and I think they depressed her more than they did me. "Married", "Discreet" "Not out", "Just looking for sex",

She knew my work situation and knew that I worked eight to nine hours a day, six days a week, sometimes seven. She wanted me to quit my job and take something that I wouldn't be able to afford my bills on, just so I could venture to Atlanta or Jacksonville. The fact that I would't be able to afford trips to ATL, JAX, or sessions with her on a reduced income didn't seem to matter. Finally she raised her voice at me for not having quit my job, despite not having any promising prospects and I knew it was going to be our last session. It had been a year of going way out of my comfort zone for nothing to change. Her younger patients were success stories. the 32 year old was stuck in the middle. Everyone want's someone who's 20, both the young guys and the older guys. There I was at 32 and invisible to both groups.

After my partner passed away I thought I would be single the rest of my life. Seven years later at age 50 I met my next soul mate 18 years later we are still together. Op keep yourself open emotionally and it may happen .

Reading that was a gut punch, R26. I wish I knew what to tell you. You sound smart and sensitive, that has to count for something.

I’m in my mid-40s and only now realizing the special kind of fucked up you become when you’re an only child. I just don’t know how to socialize normally. Maybe having a sibling would’ve made things worse, who knows. But I have a problem making friends.

My “soulmate” has turned out to be a living nightmare. I envy single people who still have hope for love. Tina Turner said it best - it’s just a second hand emotion.

Does anyone believe in Karmic relationships? It sounds new agey and out there, but I swear the last person I was with felt like a karmic relationships. We were a lot alike in a million ways, but I also recognized (and fixed) a lot of my own faults and bad behavior.

Amy Poehler said something like “You don’t meet any true friends until you’re after 40”

Love is possible at any age a lot of it is mindset.

When I was 35 (your age OP) I started to having something of an early mid-life crisis. For me it was a sudden realization that while I wasn't old, I wasn't young either. I was an adult who was much closer to 40 and midlife than I was to the care free days of my early 20s. I had been a few relationships but nothing went beyond a couple years and I was discouraged by that. I was also just unhappy with the state of much of my life as I felt things hadn't gone the way I had envisioned them. I ended up packing up and taking a job in a new city where I pretty much knew no one and it helped to push me out of my comfort zone and meeting new people. I ended up meeting my now husband when I was 41.

R4 im right here baby. Looking for someone regular, Masculine, and muscular like me. Sorry fembots. Im 37. Not discouraged at all. Taking my time looking for that special one and only. 12 years celibate waiting...

@r26 -- 6/10. Shows promise but much too thick on the pathos early on. The audience needs a protagonist that is relatable -- not someone pitiful.

R4 What's the point of commitment if you aren't in love? I'm 1000% monogamous when I'm in love, but if it's just sex? Hell no, it's my candy store and life is too short. When you are in love and it's mutual, no one is better than your partner so you simply don't want anyone else.

OP, fell in love insanely at 36, now 37, still in, I think this is it, my eternal love and all the romantic stuff I used to laugh at.

I met mine in my 50s. Unfortunately, we are both already committed to other people.

I found my soulmate at 38 ----

Met a great guy at 49 and we're still together at 57. Not sure about the 'soulmate' stuff, but it's still good and takes work to stay that way. I think the soulmate thing is great fantasy, and maybe it really happens that way, but I can't live my life indulging in magical thinking.

OP, my advice is to give up the 'search' for someone and fall in love with something. It's good practice for opening the heart after damaging relationships. My passion for rock art led me to my lovely partner. I was able to see him because I wasn't looking with my eyes, but with my heart. Romantics will know what I mean. Good luck.

R77, I really hope you've managed to be friends. It's both thrilling and tragic to find someone you connect with so much and yet cannot 'be' with. Is there any possibility?

It depends, if you had a "true love" and they died or or something, you may find another. But if you never had one the chances are pretty much zero by the time you hit 30 much less 40, simply because you should've found someone sooner and there is something wrong with you or your circumstance that prevented it and that won't change.

I hear ya R70. I’d love to be single. Not because I want to hook up with other people it’s just relationships are such an effort and you just start getting on each other’s nerves after a while.

Signs point to no

It's taken me decades to figure out who I am and whom I might want to share life with...

I realise that baggage from early life means that I have a sex- and love-script that fits few other people. But, knowing who I am and accepting that and feeling very positive about my identity means I am never as lonely as I used to be.

However, I'd be lost without the very good friends I've collected over the course of those decades mentioned above.

R75, 0/10

I found my soulmate at 35...and then I killed him.

You BECOME “soulmates” over the years.

After the initial falling in love feeling settles down, you build a life together.

r10, yes, and when they're "regular" the experience can be more hygienic!

R26, is there anything happening in Savannah?

Also, I know this is not the answer you're looking for, but can you start a social group (on FB or meetup.com or whatever)?

[quote]I realise that baggage from early life means that I have a sex- and love-script that fits few other people.

That's your problem right there. Its now how your script works with other people's script it's the fact that you even have one in your head! You cant script a relationship. It's not a plot to a movie. In real life you cant plan what kind of person you will meet, how the relationship goes or what qualities the other person must have before you OK the felling of falling in love.

If you are doing that, basically what you are doing is just shopping for the best bargain instead being open to whatever happens including being hurt, or being the one who is less intelligent or makes more money etc.

Here is a question, I wonder how many of you bitches who bitch say they cant find love would answer this question:

If you met a guy tomorrow who checked off about 80% of all your boxes in terms of looks, , communication, connection etc but he had one big flaw, he is unemployed for the last 10 years. Would you still still jump in open to whatever happened even if that might mean you will support him for the rest of your life if you live together?

I am guessing more than half of you would kiss that guy good by and continue with your whine about not finding a soulmate.

OP why do you assume all soulmate bonds must be romantic or sexual in nature?

Some people might have a sibling or twin as their soulmate. Or a parent, or a best friend. Or an ex-lover. Or a pet dog or cat.

R90 , there are flaws and flaws, being unemployed for 10 years is a pretty big one and also an alarm for other troubles. That said, a great friend of mine is dating someone unemployed for more than 10 years and they appear to be happy. But boy, is the bfriend crazy...

R90, That would depend. Is he legitimately disabled and collecting disability? Not an issue as long as he contributes when he can. Otherwise, I have enough connections to get him a descent, but not great job. If he just flat out refuses to work, It'd be the end of it. I have depression and anxiety issues and still work 48-52 hours a week, even when I feel like I'm going insane, I know that I have to pay bills.

If he spent the last decade as a slave, object, etc. under a Master who abandoned him, it would be an entirely different story. I don't think we'd be romantically compatible, but I'd use what resources I have to help him find a way to support himself in the event that he cannot find another D/S relationship.

[quote]there are flaws and flaws, being unemployed for 10 years is a pretty big one

See, there is the rub. If it were a straight couple and the woman was unemployed that long no one would think its a flaw, they would call it a choice. And no, they are not all raising kids.

Gay men put way too much hetero-normative expectations on other gay men when it comes to rolls in the relationship. "your a man so you must work or you are a loser"

R94 i agree. Been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Haven't worked in 6. He doesn't care and didn't want me working because he knows i would meet someone else and it will be over for him. He wants me in the house and not talking to anyone. The only time he mentions work is if he sees something on tv about how you shouldn't support someone or his bitch ass mom, dad, or aunt say something. Mind you, his mom never worked a day in her life. Haha. If i do mention a job that I'm interested in, he becomes weird about it. He's not my soulmate though. I prefer kindred spirit. That's who I'm looking for.

How do I find one of these boyfriends who will take care of me so I don't have to work?

It sounds like r26's conservatism, judgmentalism, perfectionism and absolutism are holding him back. And the neediness is driving your despair.

Stop being so needy. Find work, hobbies, friends or family in life who are worth living for if you want to be attractive. Curling up and dying because you don't have a boyfriend is weak. If I were dating you and found out your life is all about me and you can't stand on your own or have anything else going on, I would be scared. I'd know you're helplessly co-dependent and I'll be carrying you all the time like a baby.

And are you looking for a boyfriend in your league? Are you seeking partners who are hotter or richer than you? Who knows what type of person you pursue if you ever had the courage to leave your social/moral/mental shells.

I can respect that you want monogamy. But you have to understand, not only do half of gay men want open relationships — the "monogamous" half just ends up cheating outside the marriage, anyway. Because promiscuity and the desire for sexual variety is strong in men — a biologically wired tendency. I can honestly say that anyone who expects a gay man to remain monogamous is naiive and you're putting your expectations too high. But it is possible and the illusion of monogamy carries some marriages through.

I don't want you to compromise your monogamy if you feel that strongly about it. But be sober: you're automatically limiting yourself to an even smaller pool of gay men. And even if you find someone who promises monogamy, you still need to bond over stronger stuff to stay together and NOT BE SURPRISED when you find out he cheated.

Staying in a small town further limits your opportunities. Bigger cities will have more guys AND jobs to choose from and you might find a good social group again. Your lesbian doc was probably right about that.

But women might not be the best therapists for men, anyways -- they're always going to have a tougher time understanding and relating to men, especially gay men. Lesbian dynamics and biology are WAY different than gay men's. She wouldn't know how to navigate it, honestly.

There's no way I would take ever take dating or relationship advice from a straight person -- doctorate or not. Not a lesbian, either. They might have good insights on other subjects, however.

[quote]Everyone want's someone who's 20, both the young guys and the older guys. There I was at 32 and invisible to both groups.

Bullshit, you haven't interviewed everyone in both groups. You're making defeatist generalizations. And you're in a small town with little to choose from.

It's telling that the social circle you liked -- and lost -- mostly didn't have jobs. One was based on a daughter's locale? That means there was no substance to the arrangement and nothing in it for you. It was never going to last.

Move to a bigger city and/or pursue a better career. You just need a bigger pool of opportunities and people. That's what your friends of quality did.

R97, R26 here.

My standards are mutual attraction, a decent personality, and a pulse. I'm attracted to overweight men with body hair, My standards are not what one would consider high.

I have stood on my own two feet for all of my adult life. I've dealt with the deaths of both parents. took care of a grandmother dying of cancer and a hell of a lot more without anyone standing beside me, so I don't know where you get the idea that I'm needy or codependent is baffling to me.

I never went on a diatribe about monogamy. I accepted before I was 30 that any relationship I had would end up being open.

The only other gay friendly mental heath professional that is LGBTQ friendly within an hour of me is an older gay man who is both an LCSW and known for being a creep. I'm not talking about my issues with some dude who's walked up to me in a club and told me what he'd like to do to me with the smell of liquor and vomit on his breath.

The circle of friends in question included a government employee with a regional supervisory role, a couple who were business owners. and another couple who consisted of a chemical engineer and a restaurant manager. Only two of the entire group did not work full time, The partner of the Gov't employee stayed at home all day and the other was in his early 70s and moved here from San Diego for retirement. A stroke led to his death and his partner relocated after having to sell the house because deceased's step-daughter sued for his half of the property.

For me, moving is not so simple. I have an unsellable house with a mortgage that has been in my family for generations. My grandmother borrowed money to help my cousin, Then I had to borrow to buy it from the estate, and to renovate it to a semi-modern state. Nothing over $30k is selling around here, and the cheap ones are only selling to a handful of people who buy houses, do minimal work and rent them out.

R97 Get off your high horse. Your method off tough love is premature and egotistical.

[quote] Lesbian dynamics and biology are WAY different than gay mens’. She wouldn't know how to navigate it, honestly. There's no way I would take ever take dating or relationship advice from a straight person -- doctorate or not. Not a lesbian, either.

Hmmm, hot take.

Could you elaborate, R97? This is a curious attitude I’ve never heard expressed. Didn’t we once have a semblance of solidarity?

It's social and sexual dynamics that straight people and women can never fully appreciate.

The casual sex, the promiscuity and sex drive that appalls most women is de rigueur and no big whoop in the world of men having sex with men.

And so navigating that scene, trying to find a good man for a LTR and what to make of sex/ people is just way different. It's a subculture really opposed to lesbian nature, experiences and values quite often.

You'll never understand unless you had a man's body, testosterone, advantages, disadvantages and sex drive. And as much experience with dog-behaving men as we do.

Nonsense OP- I entered an 11 relationship at 46- and currently hoping for one more at 64. Yes it's a little more difficult. But essentially it is all in the mind. I'm still fit, lean, and entirely capable of falling in love after a lifetime of affairs, and long term relationships, love and heartbreak. I'm still very much in the game.

Jesus, I hope so. I’m 39 and after a string of bad relationships (the last was a two year waste of time)looking at the apps feels hopeless. The pickings are very slim for women.

I will love you forever. (Or fifteen years, whichever comes first.)

[quote] I have a lot to offer, but I'm not that great looking and not as exciting as others, I guess. And now: too old.

I hear that. All my young gay life I felt too fat and ugly to get in the game (I was neither, I realize now, but I was never meant for Lycra, either.).

So men in this boat, let me ask: what kind of circumstances would make you feel comfortable enough to try again? What circumstances? Because the irony is we're out there, each in our own fortress.

Well - I've been shocked and surprised this year. At age 47, I thought meeting a special someone and having butterflies and sparks was something in the past and that I would never experience again.

Then a new friendship turned into a passionate, sexy and fantastic relationship 2 months ago. I was not expecting it at all - but I know that when there's such a magnetism and spark, I have to pursue it. He's 13 years older, which wouldn't necessarily be what I was looking for - but it's been really pretty amazing. What sucks is that realistically we won't be in the same city - we will be 2 hours apart.

I'm trying to navigate this as well as I can - but YES, you can have those feelings again. We sometimes feel like teenagers, which is great and also scary. I don't want those pangs of missing someone - it makes me feel needy and puts me in a place of vulnerability that I HATE.

But it is there - constantly thinking of the other person, missing their scent, wanting to just lie next to them. I've had enough 'meh' sexual encounters and relationships the past 10 years to know this is really unique. I'm not trying to want him - in fact, I'm trying NOT to want him so much.

So there is hope. We will see what happens - but it was so life-confirming that something like this can happen again. Its not just for the young.

Where did you meet him, R106?

R107 - Don't want to say - but strictly platonic at first which probably helped things a lot.

As long as it wasn't church.

tell everyone you're ten years younger. That gives you 10 more years to find love!

Lesbo here, single, 38, trying not to panic.

[quote] I hear that. All my young gay life I felt too fat and ugly to get in the game (I was neither, I realize now, but I was never meant for Lycra, either.).

Man, I stage directed a community theatre production of Cats a few years ago. Holy shit--the things I've seen in lycra I still nightmare about.

What actually is a soulmate, though, by conceptual definition? It seems every poster here has a different idea.

Is a soulmate - as Robin Williams describes in GOOD WILL HUNTING - a complement, i.e. "someone who challenges you"? Because that sounds aggravating, mundane and unpleasant over erotic or romantic. In any of the grand epic or historical romances I've read, soulmates tend to have short tragic affairs that affect the lives of those around them in a dramatic and often painful way. But perhaps literary soulmates differ from those in life...

I've seen people of all ages find lasting love. I don't think any of them describe it as finding their soul mate, which would indicate that there was only one true love they were destined to be with. Sometimes love is wonderful with someone at a certain point in our lives and then it ends. Doesn't mean it was a bad relationship.

My dad actually met someone at age 65, after two so-so marriages each lasting 20 years each. They've been very happy together for 15 years now. I also know two guys who met in their late 60s and are still gaga over each other 10 years later.

Yes, you can find true love after 40, but stop thinking about it as finding a soul mate.

Soulmates are a bullshit idea because they imply a kind of fate, which doesn't work in this age where we suspect there are multiple universes and no linear time.

*this EXISTENCE where we suspect

The whole soulmate thing is Hollywood bullshit. You can meet someone at any age; some relationships last longer than others.

Glad to see the “soulmate” fantasy being called out. If I have to go to one more wedding of twenty somethings spending thousands of dollars on a one day event because they found their “soulmate”, I’ll scream. No one should get married before a) dating for at least 5 years and b) 30.

There’s no such thing as a soul mate, you mincing Queen.

I met my life partner 20 yrs ago. Soul mate? I don't know- we're certainly very compatible. We've got the kids, the dog, the whole package. The thing they don't tell you about this whole Romantic vision, is that *Happiness* is in no way guaranteed just because you're you're with the love of your life when life comes calling. A devastating illness knocked me off my feet about a year ago and changed our entire family dynamics: we're not so much lovers any more but survivors on a life-boat just clinging. Go figure.

Using the word "soulmate" indicates the emotional maturity of a high schooler.

Husband, lover, boyfriend, life partner, fuck buddy? Yes.

Well said R120 - “survivors on a life boat” is how we all end up. But we’re lucky if there is someone there to throw a life vest or provide a helping hand. But life isn’t a fairytale. The joy of youth is not realizing that.

Someone notify the Senatrice Lindsay that Senator Joni Ernst will soon be single and ready to mingle!

I dislike the term 'soul mate', but would agree with R91 that it's something you can find in many people. In my case, there are two people in the world who relate to me in spite of all my weird boringness and who I can be around for any length of time (because we're used to each other and because they're great, interesting people), and they're both related to me.

For those who are teetering on the edge of 40, I spent the latter part of my thirties in a panic (which was a shame and a waste of time) but when I turned 40 fairly recently it was an unexpected relief, because life and vitality definitely don't end here. I think finding a connection can happen, and it can be better for coming later as long as you don't incorporate your baggage. I don't think it'll happen for me, but, as I said, connections come in many forms and I can live with what I have.

Still looking...

OP, millions of people have found lasting love after turning 40, but not if they were looking for a "soulmate."

"Soul mate" is very nebulous. If it means the co-existence of romantic and platonic love, yes, many people find it after 40, and I don't think a relationship can really survive without both forms. If it means the ideals of romantic love, that's an immature kind of love that soon burns out, but it's easily found.

Had the love of my life when I was 42. He got very sick with cancer and I lost him in 2013 at the age of 45. I spent the next 5 years in a perpetual state of mourning not knowing what to do with myself. I vowed to never get involved with anyone again let alone have sex. 9 months ago I met someone through a friend and started a long distance relationship. He wants me to move in with him and grow old with him. I love him very much ,not like my dead lover but enough to suffice. You never know.

I found bread.

I think the Gay/Bi community has been at at extreme disadvantage throughout the last and somewhat this Century in not only proclaiming their own identities, but also therefore, their life-partners, lovers, etc. Think how much easier it would have been for any of us struggling in our 40's now struggling to find our "soulmate" (admit I hate that term) if the issue of gay marriage had once and for all been legalized and er put to bed across all 50 states 30 years ago? Even if That's not something you as an individual wanted, it speaks A LOT to validating your relationship both subconsciously and to society at large.

[quote] 9 months ago I met someone through a friend and started a long distance relationship. He wants me to move in with him and grow old with him. I love him very much

You in danger, girl.

[quote] Periglour (Welsh), Anmchara (Irish), mean 'soul friend'. He was a person who acted as spiritual guide and counsellor to young monks and to new converts (to early Christianity). He took the part of confessor, but would offer only wisdom, advice and encouragement to his juniors, refraining from taking on the power to grant absolution for any sins. In that the early Christian Church followed the practice of the Celtic druids, who communed with the gods without themselves adopting divine authority. Quoting St. Brigid, a sixth century saint of Ireland, Patrick said to us, “A person without a soul friend is like a body without a head.” We pilgrims weren’t clear about the subject. Patrick began to tell us of the value of a particular kind of friendship among the Celtic Christians. The Irish word Anamchara or the Welsh word Periglour both mean “soul friend,” a particular way of befriending that intentionally honors and nurtures the life of the soul. “Friendship is a creative and subversive force.” (Anamchara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, p. xvii).

I found him. His name was Joe Gillis. He was much younger than I was, but the minute I saw him I knew he was my soulmate. But, when he scorned me, I... knew he had to die...

I'm ready for my close-up.

Still waiting....

I've been with my partner for 15 years. He's never been close to a soulmate. In fact I hate his guts.