Bullying

It seems our world is ruled by bullies. Still, perhaps more so.

I was verbally bullied in school. Mostly by older kids. I had a bad home-life too. Contributed to my low self-esteem and depression as an adult.

Two of my bullies died in the past two years. It oddly felt like a weight was lifted even though I hadn’t seen either in 25 years. The others are working shithole jobs and constantly complaining about their miserable lives on Facebook. They are also fat, bald, and divorced. Kind of hilarious.

We are being bullied by republics every single day.

We can’t start the healing process until the abuse stops.

Same here, R2. I'm sorry.

It altered the course of my life. More than I realized and more than therapy can dislodge. Cost me a lot of happiness. I don't blame the kids so much, they're savages being civilized... but I blame the systems and parents and society and especially the schools that did fuck all to enforce basic civility.

Datalounge bullies gays. I wish there was zero tolerance for homophobia here, but there isn’t.

R6, I often pointed this out to my former husband when it came time to educating the kiddies. I home schooled for a lot of it, but they still wanted to be exposed to the social advantages of HS. It didn't work out the way they wanted, but it only lasted for 4-5 years and they were a lot more mature and able to deal with it.

I was also brutally bullied for being the smart one, the poor one, the outcast who never knew why. It was only when I became an adult and uncovered the 'secrets' that adults keep from one another that I understood. Turns out I was born to an unmarried woman....quite the crime in the 50's. The only way the kids would have known this is through their parents. They are brought up this way.

You're confusing me, R7. You mean from other gays, from trans people, from straight people? There are all kinds of people whining about homophobia on here, but it's usually not very convincing. To me, if a gay person criticizes another gay person, even in a mean way about caftans or some crap, its not anti-gay, it's just in-fighting.

I was bullied relentlessly in middle school and it contributed a great deal to my depression and low self-esteem in young adulthood. But the silver lining is it helped foster my ambition and drive to prove myself as “worthy” and fortunately I never lacked mentors who were patient and understanding, and ever willing to help me in my darker moments. I’ve been successful and live a good life now with the love, respect, and appreciation of many. As for the bullies? I can’t even remember their names now.

OP's poll assumes that either you were a bully or you were bullied or you were cool. I was none of the above.

Thank you for adding that, R11. My apologies.

“I was bullied, now I bully” should have been an option.

R9, I think that R7 refers to the occasional homophobic assholes that frequent the site to influence or degrade. They're here.

As a kid, many of the times I found myself wanting to kill myself because of the pain of being bullied, I held back because I realized that I could take one of my bullies with me. I was too worried about the burden it would cause my family, however. The other times when I wanted to kill myself, I was too afraid to do so because of the pain and my fear of death.

I'm surprised it doesn't happen every day.

I envy the DLers who say they have no idea how it feels. That's awesome.

Thankfully I wasn't bullied much. I was smaller than the rest of my peers, so knew I would be the perfect target.

I covered up any feeling of inadequacy by being overly confident and deflecting any attempted bullying with humor.

What was worse than being bullied, however, was generally being ignored. I'm now in the 30's and still experience that, oddly.

R16 I think most people have a taste of what it feels like. You'd have to be pretty exceptional to be in the "in-crowd" all through your life. Some people only get it as an adult, and that's more common than anybody acknowledges. In fact I think it's worse.

I was bullied sometimes-but not for very long. This was because my father was quite the bully at home and I'd had to learn to defend myself against him verbally. So if somebody at school-usually somebody new-decided to go after me, it didn't happen twice- as I could usually verbally embarrass the poor sot very quickly. I'm also by nature rather quiet, so it always caught the perpetrator off guard that I could go for their throat. Good times :)

I wish I'd somehow learned to fight as a kid. Jir jitsu or something. I'd just do the "prison thing" and just fucked-up anyone who fucked with me. In middle school, so it wouldn't affect my high school career.

R19, I was similar, but as a girl didn't exercise that option until I absolutely had to. I got the reputation of being 'schizo' because I was normally quiet and smart until I wasn't. As an adult, I avoid people. This isn't healthy, but I'd rather be lonely than bullied.

I wish there were a nonprofit that bullied kids could contact - not the Trevor Project - that would teach them how to fight - physically fight back.

Are there successful models and actors who were harshly bullied as kids? And no, not Armie Hammer's BS story, please.

I have a brother two years older. When we were young we always had the same group of friends and hung around together. He was a loving and protective brother. There was a point when things switched in my home life. I think it was when they realized my sissiness wasn't something I was going to "outgrow". I became aware for the first time that I was a source of shame and embarrassment for the family.

We moved to a new state/town and my brother went to a different school and, for the first time, had his own group of friends. I learned that without my brother (who was a gifted athlete) I didn't do such a good job of making friends on my own. I don't know if it was just him being disgusted with me or if he found it easier to go with the flow, but he changed into being a horrendous, physical bully. He would punch and beat on me and not stop until I was crying tears. My step-father was a beast and he always hated my older brother. With me, he (step-father) was 50-50, sometimes he detested me, sometimes he loved me. My mother hated me as well, although was a lot more subtle in how she showed it. That's what I meant about going with the flow for my brother. He was just following the lead of my parents. I always had the feeling my mother liked that my brother pounded on me. She give a weak protest ("Cut it out") but generally didn't care when I was being attacked.

I've often wondered what things would have been like if my brother hadn't made that switch. If he had stayed loving and protective instead of an abuser full of hate towards with me. If having that one person in my corner would have salvaged a bit of self-esteem.

I had a much younger half-brother and I clearly remember when he was born, my promising myself I would be as loving and encouraging to him as I could possibly be. I knew that family was fucked up. I could have turned into being the one who beat and tortured him but I didn't. I have always be happy I made that choice. He was a fantastic kid and very easy to love.

I got bullied for disability, quite bad. Severely affected my life and I still feel vulnerable in certain situations. Because I am 'different' and anyone like that is a target.

There are many years of my childhood and adolescence I can hardly recall, and I think it might be because I have tried to blank it all out. Now and then though, a thought or memory will come back up seemingly out of nowhere. I guess I've stored it somewhere and hence it still affects me on some level.

But I am lucky to feel for the most part accepted and supported by people in my current community. I also did a lot of work on my spirituality and that has helped me to accept myself as I am. In fact I think that in some ways it's helped me grow more in spirituality.

I'll also echo what some others have said - I found my worst bully online and found they hadn't really done anything much with their life. But they'd become a born again Christian. Some people confront their bullies later in life but in my case, I just didn't think it was worth it.

I'm still disabled but have come to terms with it. In fact, even if there was a cure discovered for my disability, I don't know if I'd really want to take it.

I am what I am and no longer try to please everybody. If folks don't like it, that's their issue not mine. If I do get crap, I've also learned to stick up for myself more now and realised once I was an adult, there are more things I can have control over and certan situations I don't have to put up with anymore.

I've grown into the person I am today partly because of what I have been through. But I'd never want to go back to my childhood years again, I was so glad to leave all that behind.

Bullying is such a terrible problem and probably even worse now with social media, people losing connection with each other due to modern lifestyles etc.

R24, how did things turn out with your older brother? Did he ever apologize?

I was bullied pretty relentlessly all through childhood. Was constantly told it was my fault by my father and teachers who didn't give a shit. Tried to kill myself at 15. Still depressed and suicidal as an adult. This is the one thing nobody ever seems to grasp - it never really leaves you.

I want fucking revenge, and I want to just destroy anyone who would bully me moving forward.

No R26. I was booted from the family dwelling when I turned 17 and that ended things for me and my family. That was many, many years ago. As we gays do - I made my own family and have been incredibly grateful for the people that have come into my life.

I was bullied mercilessly in junior high. I've read that PSTD is something that affects gay men and women the rest of their lives as a result of this abuse.

I'm with R11, I was neither a bullier or bullied. I definitely wasn't one of the "cool" kids, neither was a I one of the groups that normally seem to get picked on. Searching websites I am guessing that 25% of people bully, 50% aren't affected, and 25% are bullied, and that is just a rough guess based on a few websites that came up and had statistics (you can do your own search and come up with your own conclusion). My guess would be that of the DL folks that the bullied is higher, and the bulliers as kids lower (but they are making up for it as they blossom or shrivel as the case may be into cunty adults). It will be interesting to see in 7 or 10 years how the current social engineering experiment goes and if bullying actually goes down. Additionally, will the self-esteem of those who would have been bullied go up and they can look forward to a happier life.

same here r31. I went to a small school, under 100 kids in my class, and for the most part we were together from K - 12. If you were a kid who got bullied in 2nd grade, chances are you were still getting bullied in 10th grade. It was mostly older kids picking on younger kids. The teachers for a most part turned a blind eye. Girls didn't really bully each other, they imposed a different form of psychological warfare. They would just ghost a girl from their group, causing great drama and heartache, usually for no reason except the group decided to turn against one girl for some reason. I became friends with girls in HS and the stories they told me about middle school were heartbreaking.

There are lots of stories about girls in middle school ghosting.a victim. I grew up in NYC and went to very large middle and high schools. Kids could get lost in those schools and there were always enough “outcasts” around to form their clique.

Yeah, bullied at school and at home. It's affected me a lot, but the effects have diminished with time, distance, and cutting some very bad people out of my life.

The reason people tell you to "go on with your life", OP, is that if you go on with your life and get a job and learn stuff and accomplish things and make a home for your adult stuff, it isn't long before there's a day when what you're doing that day is more important than your bad memories. After that, there will be days or weeks of going to your job and maintaining your home and keeping up your relationships takes up so time and energy that you can go hours, days, or weeks, before recalling what happened to your young self. And in time... your childhood traumas are no longer the most important thing about you, you are who you've become as an adult, and all the horrors of the past are just something you survived. The memories never go away, but they become less and less important as you make years of new memories. Maybe some day, the memories will no longer hurt, they're just part of what made you what you YOU.

So go on with your life, OP, do your job and make your home and find love.

We are being bullied by the president.

im not a gay man but i was bullied because i was neglected and looked like shit and had old parents. i just saw one of my bullies was a trump supporter. shocker. i did meet a bully adjacent person at a party a few years ago so he must have told all the a-holes from childhood that i live in a very exp place. so yeah it still stings.

I was bullied at school, though possibly not as bad as some of you, though there was a period in junior high that the son of a kkk member was on my case. Luckily, I had a good mom who always believed in me.

Funny though. I think my bullying has turned into a fetish. I’m now a mean and nasty dom with no shortage of hot guys who crave being used. I think it’s just opposite sides of the coin, from a history of being bullied.

When life gives you lemons...

R37, what an excellent way of... turning lemons into lemonade!

You've turned your horrible experience of being bullied into something everyone can enjoy.

Not exactly, or in the cliche way teen dramas would have it. I went to a girls’ MS/HS, it’s different there.

I was teased and excluded and laughed at by my peers throughout my school life start to finish, though, and I think it left a mark. It was mainly over ridiculous things like my clothes or my acne or my shyness (think the stuff they tease the poor girl in Nobuta Wa Produce over) but sometimes it got more serious.

What has caused me most problems later in life is that it was mostly my intense formative crushes who did and said these hurtful things, so now I have a complex about attraction - it feels impossible for me to follow up on or pursue my own passions or romantic or sexual feelings because of intense fear of rejection & ostracisation. I recently did some sexual hypnotherapy to root this problem out and realised my pelvic and lumbar muscles were clamped down tight over this issue, as was my jaw.

I also experienced Mean Girls all my life, the ones who spread rumors and threw dodgeballs and laughed at me in homeroom etc., but strangely enough they were the only ones to recant and apologise to me once we graduated. Admittedly was also once very cruel to a couple of weird annoying clingy girls I wanted to frienddump back in junior high and I sometimes think it may have screwed them up a little tighter than they already were. So maybe it’s horses for courses.

I was never cool but I wasn't systematically bullied either. Never had anyone beat me up.

The world today is ruled by bullies and former bullied nerds avenging their past and turning themselves into an even worst version of their childhood tormentors. Sad.

I was mildly bullied in middl school for being too quiet and an easy target. All stopped in high school when I've grown spurt and people would just leave me alone.

I would cry everyday as an adult for several years wallowing in my past. One day I decided to mentally forgive my bullies after I randomly ran into a former bully while visiting my hometown. He was moving out of a failing marriage and had a horrible life I felt sorry for him. He asked me about my life and when I told him I had just TR his regular job he complimented me by saying he always admired me back in the day. I was puzzled and couldn't believe this guy couldn't remember anything he did to me.

As I grew even older I've met several other bullies and realized most don't even realize they were bullies so I just forgave them all inside my head and never cried a day again over that.

Forgiveness does cure you for life.

I was gang raped by a group of “popular” boys in early HS and endured relentless bullying, sexual harassment, and ostracization from the perps and everyone else for nearly four years. I moved to college and my life greatly improved as nobody knew about the rape. There was no #metoo movement or even basic bullying awareness for sure back then.

Is that Elon's brother in the pic? Handsome and confident looking boy.

Is it Kimbal Musk? That family was a bunch of alphas. Elon didn't fit the mould being a bit odd looking but obviously he had good game, himself. Kimbal is a babe still.

Elon and Kimbal

Was bullied in sixth grade and seventh, but it was because I was the new person in seventh. I later became the cool crowd. Sixth, I was a cool crowd and had a spectacular fall from grace. Don't really care. Most of high school was part of the in group, but didn't bully anyone.

R46, please recognize that your dichotomous either/or choices (gradations of recovery notwithstanding) do not take into account that people who are bullied also often are bullies in their own way. There seldom is a category of "bully" as in a comic strip without human complexity. Also, you do not take into account that bullying often is subjective - people can take things a certain way without the intention matching their responses. Meaning that it's like sexual harassment - it's important to defend yourself or state what is or is not acceptable. Unfortunately, children do not have the skills to do this, so the difficult and sometimes painful exchanges in childhood and youth fall into the socialization learning that we all go through.

Meaning, stop making it seem so simple. "I'm a victim" and "I'm a perp" is cunt speak for self-glorification.

I was bullied for size, intelligence, shyness, gayness and seriousness. But I bullied my younger brother, who was a slow learner and who I saw as stubborn or mean, not understanding his issues behind a common older/younger sibling thing. He bullied neighbor kids. I was later bullied working in a factory to pay for college because I was a college kid. I also was bullied as a teen by guys who actually wanted to have sex with me but didn't know how to approach the subject.

Grow up, OP. You're bullying people here.

There are always kids who you’d THINK would be bullied (they’re fat or have acne or they’re shy) — but they’re not. And then the kids who outwardly have nothing to mark them as an obvious target who ARE bullied. It’s very interesting. There’s some... thing that kids pick up on - who will “take it” maybe? I remember this from being at all-girls boarding school. Why didn’t anyone pick on fat awkward Monica, but they went in on fashionable but neurotic Laura?

This is NOT to blame the victim, but some people project something that predators can sniff out.

Vulnerability?

Word, ambiguously and lazily presented because I'm a sniping twat.

Bullies don't change. The grow up and become the person who tells you why a 2% raise for you is currently impossible, or why your country is declaring war.

What? ^^^ good lord.

I blocked R 50. I mean good lord. Talk about bully.

[quote] What has caused me most problems later in life is that it was mostly my intense formative crushes who did and said these hurtful things, so now I have a complex about attraction - it feels impossible for me to follow up on or pursue my own passions or romantic or sexual feelings.

R39 ouch, that sucks. How come you were attracted to someone that was crushing you like a bug?

My bullies weren't attractive to me. Maybe if I'd have had a gorgeous 80s jock a la Billy Zabka holding me down...

It was awful at the time but I'm lucky because most of the kids who bullied me turned out to be real losers. Plus I recognize they weren't the kids with anything really going for them. I went to high school in a super small town with really sheltered people who knew nothing of the outside world and if anything I feel good about never fitting in with them.

YES. But only because I got it at home too. Neither of my parents protected me. I would never go to a HS reunion because I might bludgeon some of them.

Well it kept me off Facebook. I don’t give a fuck about that Indiana white trash I grew up with. Two of the worst bullies died in their 30s so hurray for that. Seriously though while I’m relatively happy and successful I do not trust people the way I should and assume people are harboring negative opinions of me and talking shit behind my back. Making friends is....difficult.

i was verbally bullied in junior high school into high school. mostly by older kids. i never really got over the pain. had a bad home life combined with an already low self-esteem. This has contributed tremendously to the major depressive disorder I suffer from as an adult. I have my faith and try to take it one day at at time.

I should mention the bullies in my school were entitled upper middle class snobs, and I think at least 50% of it was based on me not having the clothes or the cash.

Same here, R56.

I had the worst combination of factors for a somewhat conservative boys' school: ethnic minority, short, acne, fat, shy, bookish, not good at anything esp sports, invalidating parents.

It fucking sucked. I can't conceive of anyone liking me now. My body is fit now, but I keep my eyes down or away from others' eyes.

Bullying is terrible but as you get older you realize that bullies never left. Now as an adult in the professional world bullies might be your coworker, your boss, the leader of your country. Now the bullies are adults in power suits regardless of gender and race. Like Chris rock stated, high school suppose to prepare kids for life to face all kinds of bullies.

That's bad, R60. I'm sorry it happened to you.

I must add more to mine (R56 & R59), I was thin, tall, and quite good looking except for unibrow...that might have something to do with my parents ignoring the situation - they didn't get it.

r42 Are you male or female?

What difference does it make R63?

I was a really good and smart student up until the 5th grade when the bullying started. I retreated into myself and just wanted to disappear. It affected me for the rest of my school life. I was incredibly shy and introverted, had very few friends and turned to drugs ( nothing hard core) and alcohol as a way to cope. Inside, I wanted to do things and experience like everyone else seemed to be doing, but I couldn't break out of the shell that I lived in. I knew there was still a smart and creative person inside of me, but I was so overwhelmed by the bullying that I just became numb to everything and my grades were below average. To this day, I know I never lived up to my potential and often wonder how much differently I would have turned out had I not been teased and bullied. The upside is, I'm a very compassionate and gentle person, and I really like that about myself. But, I wish I was more confident.

r64 Because same-sex rape seems more likely to be held against the victim than opposite-sex. In fact, I'd expect the male perpetrators to be ostracized and punished in the case they raped a female, but not a male. There are studies showing that, in certain contexts, such as incest, male victims of sex abuse are met with more skepticism.

I was never bullied even though my last name is one that is ripe for bullying. Never was a bully either.

It probably helped, I was born with a mouth and fists to back it up. I am female btw.

Bullying is a damn scourge.

Plus, it’s hot. Gang raped by the “popular boys”? Popular boys = masculine! HAWT. That’s why I really asked. Skepticism. 🙄

I'm surprised that school shooters aren't more often bullied kids. Columbine, it turns out, actually wasn't bullied kids getting revenge.

I was relentlessly bullied in grade school and middle school. There was no quarter while at school. The group of girls and boys would chant horrible things about me while on the bus; sometimes the entire bus would join in. I had to run and hide like a roach during recess and lunch in order to avoid them. They would roam freely, in a pack, while I would try to tape locked doors open so I could hide inside a classroom. Then, when confronted, the ringleader would pretend surprise and say, "We were only teasing you. Why are you so sensitive?" My mom would wonder the same thing, and she would also ask me what I was doing to provoke the behavior. My dad was too drunk to do anything but pat me on the head and occasionally give me $20, thinking that would make me feel better. My mom and dad just wanted quiet, and I was being a nuisance with my complaining.

I learned that only the meanest and the biggest get ahead in life, and you are basically fucking screwed if you just want to get through life without getting on anyone's radar. My brother, seven years older than me, would pin me on the floor and bang on my chest with his forefingers. He called it "typewriter". He was the one that taught me not to fight, just to give in and let the stronger person do what they wanted, as they were going to do it anyway. Thanks a lot, asshole.

So, I endured being taunted and physically pushed around, until I couldn't stand it anymore. I reasoned that these bullies were just going to get bigger and stronger and meaner as we headed toward high school. So, I took a test and got into a private high school. My parents were willing to pay for it, and I knew my bog-stupid bullies would never make it into the school. I was right. Three years of blissful silence, and then college (again without the bullies). I no longer feared walking on campus, having lunch on the grass, and sitting wherever the hell I wanted to on the bus.

The main side effect of the bullying, other than the crushingly low self esteem (duh), is a near constant desire to be left alone. I work at home, I make my own fun, and I detest going out into public. Being alone is incredibly sweet when the alternative is what I endured at their hands for so many years of my childhood.

I was basically a smart, neurotic kid, so I was doomed. I took everything to heart. It is awful to be told how awful you are, with no redeeming features. I ended up believing everything they said, and I believed I was ugly and worthless. When I started wearing makeup, in hopes that it would make me look either attractive or at least mainstream, my mother actually recruited my brother to confront me and tell me that I looked like a whore in all my makeup. WTF. Who does that?

One bright note: I'm happily married to a wonderful person who loves me unconditionally and whom I trust. It took over 30 years, but I'm basically happy. Except for all the bullying baggage, which I'm trying to drop, bit by bit. I wouldn't have even been able to write this post a year ago.