Poop knives

I'm sure it's more common than we think. There are many huge people about eating huge quantities of food and pooping out gigantic poops. Better to cut them up into pieces than clog the plumbing. I'm sure Trump has one, it's probably a gold poop knife.

Why don't straight people eat more fiber?

I cannot deal with this. I CANNOT.

You mean... you *don't* have one?

It was the size of a weasel...

People should have sphincters that are tough enough to pinch off a big loaf. In a dire situation, the handicapped rail in the stall will also work.

I knew the responses would make me laugh and so far I am not disappointed......

R6 I can snap a log in two with no effort. Straight guys have no hole control.

This. Never. Happened.

The guy is writing fiction and everyone fell for it. People on Reddit are stupid.

When I was 12 one of my female friends was over at my house and she came out of the bathroom and said the toilet wouldn’t flush. I acted like it was NBD but was totally astonished when I saw the log she’d dropped in the bowl. I told her the toilets were old and this sort of thing happened all the time and with quick thinking I grabbed a dowel rod from the garage and jabbed that thing until it was in flushable pieces. She wasn’t even an overweight girl. I imagine if she ever tried anal sex she’d have had no problems taking a girthy dick right off the bat.

It would not surprise me in the least if “shit knives” is a thing in some American households.

I thought people with this problem just used wire coat hangers

I don’t understand the question and I don’t care to respond.

Why would you keep the poop smeared knife and hang it on the wall? That is not sanitary at all. Get plastic knives or boba straws or wooden chopsticks from takeout.

I'd rather shoot the shit than get stabby with a knife made of it.

Apparently they're widely used.

If it still doesn't go away with the second flush, jab it with the toilet brush a couple of times until it breaks in half. Happened to me only once in my entire life.

Ugh. Use a plastic knife once, wipe it, and throw it out. Who would keep a poop knife hanging around? Someone might mistakenly use it to spread their bread with Nutella!

What the fuck are Americans eating?

Agreed R15, never bring a knife to a shit fight.

R17...

I am laughing so fucking hard...I lived in a building & really didn't want to call maintenance any time this happened (it wasn't THAT often, but a few times) - and I used a plastic knife. How is this actually a common thing?? We had decent toilets in that building too, but it still happened. And yes, I finished going # 2 and flushed before wiping and flushing again.

I have a 1.26 gallon toilet now. These miserable things should be illegal. No matter how you position your anus and how delicately you poop- anything more than the size of a peanut will leave shit smeared all over the bowl.

It was so gross, I had to finally tell my landlord. I never understood anything about plumbing so I just said "did you know the toilet water is really low" and she said she wasn't sure about it either, so someone came to take a look and tell us both it was normal for a a 1.2 gallon toilet...and it's designed that way. The guest one is a 1.6 (older I think - not sure if you're allowed to buy them anymore) - so this was her text after the plumber left!!

r19 - my experience is that pizza has a lot to do with it. Cheese backs you up and then all that dough congeals into a very dense substance. Cheese / carbs, no fiber, and no regularity.

I never heard of poop knives. But growing up in rural Indiana, I remember seeing a few wooden paint stir sticks in the John. One garage I visited even had a sign point to the stick in a plastic bucket “Chop before you flush,”

boba straws, r14? thanks for the visual!

In college I had a roommate who was like 6'3". Once when I went to use the bathroom after him I found an unflushed turd in the bowl. It was enormous and just hadn't flushed. The whole thing was embarrassing as hell and since there weren't any instruments in the bathroom I just had to dive in with my bare hands and break into smaller pieces. A traumatic experience but then again quite funny as hell. I later told a female friend about it. She'd worked as a caretaker for elderly people at some point and said that was just business as usual for her.

So no one else kept a potato masher next to the John? We did...

The things we learn on DL!

Dear Lord in Heaven!

I eat an apple almost every day. Stuff just slides right out. Once I was at my brother's house and my niece and her best friend both pooped in the toilet and stirred up their poop together. I guess instead of blood brothers they were poop sisters. Another time my sister excitedly came and asked me to take a look at the gigantic poop she made. I declined, having made a few myself. Another time I was at my brother's house, we were watching his kids (about 2-4 yrs old at the time) and letting them run wild (completely fenced and private yard) and before we knew it they were running around stark naked and my niece was smeared with her poop. Oops.

I have never heard of this ridiculousness. Y'all are making this up!

What the fuck is WRONG with some of you!?

I’ve heard tell of these, but not experienced it. What on earth are these people eating? (Or not eating...)

It doesn’t seem like there are too many parents here, but I’m one. Toddlers can make adult-sized turds. I didn’t know this until I had kids. It’s astonishing. My middle kid said “I made a whale”. It’s true. She did.

This thread is right up my alley. My toilet hasn't been able to handle my shits lately. I started taking some new probiotics a couple of weeks ago and now almost every time I shit my asshole feels like it's being ripped in two and the toilet gets stopped up. My new squatty potty isn't helping as well as I thought it would. I dreaded shitting b4, but this is getting ridiculous. The probiotics have helped my stomach problems and I don't want to stop taking them.

Doesn't fiber bulk your stool up more? God knows that's not what I need.

What the fuck are you eating?!

R33 Have you tried a poop knife yet? Start eating an apple a day, it might help. I prefer Fujis.

I feel touched in a bad place

Are all you people Amish? There’s a reason cordless immersion blenders were invented.

Immersion blenders? I use the Slap Chop. Dices and chops in seconds. Sometimes I'll use the spiralizer but that takes a lot of muscle work.

[quote]boba straws, [R14]? thanks for the visual!

Of course boba straws. Regular straws are too flimsy and will bend in half. Only boba straws are strong enough.

#39 Lord you're not drinking it are you?

My toilet was clogged and I was googling how to unclog a toilet. I was amazed at how many people had clogged toilets because of doing huge shits. Some of the stories were hilarious (and probably fake). My clog was caused by a piece of broccoli (I didn't like to put it in the trash because it stinks).

R30, well played.

I imagine Barbara Bush needs one.

What's a poop?

This is why you never date a Southern European! They eat too much fucking cheese and then shit cheese bricks and clog the toilet.

💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩

This thread makes me feel bloated and constipated.

I eat TONS of cheese and am never constipated. I guess my genes and stomach biome can handle it.

Our family had a “poop hedge clippers”—that is, until we built a new house with “poop garbage disposers” installed under our toilets.

When I looked at that picture, I swear I thought it was some archaeological discovery.

Yeesh.

I've never heard of such a thing, but then, I would never have heard the terms 'fecal anaconda' or 'sewer trout' were it not for DL.

[quote]I eat TONS of cheese and am never constipated. I guess my genes and stomach biome can handle it.

R48 = Clueless Straight Guy

I can almost smell the gigantic cheese turds you must be shitting. Stop eating too much cheese and think of the excessive Co2 you must be releasing to the planet.

I stoke my gut biome with regular Limburger Cheese shots in order to give my poops maximum impact.

Has anyone used an auger to clear a toilet clog? I did recently and was left with a shit filled auger. It was disgusting. I threw the whole thing in the dumpster.

Ours looks like an electric cheese cutter with a nice digger attachment. From Cathy Mitchell. It came with the "Dump Kit - Easy from End to End" she sells.

OP is so behind the times.

This is yet another reason I’m glad that I’m vegan. I shit out a healthy quantity every single day, but never in the form of a solid log that’s so dense it can’t even flush down the toilet without using a knife!

Why does this surprise anyone here? At the home of posts about the shit bra and shit pillow.

don't forget to flush

Shit pillow, R57? Never heard of that one, is it recent?

[quote]Immersion blenders? I use the Slap Chop. Dices and chops in seconds. Sometimes I'll use the spiralizer but that takes a lot of muscle work.

I fucking love you, R38.

Low flow toilets are the work of Satan himself. Guaranteed dirty bowl with every deuce.

So how do you wash it? In the dishwasher?

lol

Sick, I tell you... I'll add my 2 cents nonetheless: Metamucil, Kellogg's All Bran, more H2O, & bran muffins, and more cruciferous vegetables.

I have never laughed so hard at a thread. What do you do when you've made a monstrous, unflushable turd in someone else's toilet and there is no poo knife or other implement handy? Unlike the poster a few entries upthread, I WILL NOT reach into the bowl to do battle with a stinking colon cobra. Maybe just close the toilet lid so the offending…item…is out of sight?

Digested cheese smells like rat poison, probably because cheese attracts rats so they put the smell in it.

[quote]Once I was at my brother's house and my niece and her best friend both pooped in the toilet and stirred up their poop together. I guess instead of blood brothers they were poop sisters.

That's just fucking weird.

I believe this is very rare.

[quote]I imagine Barbara Bush needs one.

Probably not so much now.

I can just see the marketing meeting at the US Psyllium Producers Council:

“Brilliant idea Walters! Poop knife! Sales will shoot through the roof if we can get the fear of the poop knife into the American public. Get the PR people right on it!”

Now I know just what to get my favorite deplorables for Christmas!

I had the biggest BM of my life after doing an intense workout of crunches, etc. I swear it was 3 feet long! I sure wish I had a poop knife that day! Needless to say I flooded the bathroom!

So if you’re ever constipated, do yourself a favor and do some sit ups and crunches and even leg raises!

Oh my R71!

I’ve never heard of such a thing!

[quote]In college I had a roommate who was like 6'3". Once when I went to use the bathroom after him I found an unflushed turd in the bowl. It was enormous and just hadn't flushed. The whole thing was embarrassing as hell and since there weren't any instruments in the bathroom I just had to dive in with my bare hands and break into smaller pieces

Jesus God in Heaven, you couldn't go find something?!?!

We've always used tongs.

Yuck

R30 Poop shishtersh

Scat troll.

😉😐🤫

Omg

Yum

Martians use their hands.