People Who Don't Say Thank You for Gifts

[quote] Rude, right?

You bet.

[quote]I think I'm going to cut them off this year.

I would.

Yeah, it's very strange. For the second year in a row, I had to flat out ASK my nephew and his wife if they had gotten something I had mailed to them (which often cost more than the gift itself in the case of their baby) -- forget a "Thank you", I didn't even get a "We got it." I know folks are busy but come on, with Facebook and the like, it's easier than ever to write a quick note and a thanks. But I could tell it had never occurred to either of them. Think that's it for me too.

R3 RIght! That's what gets me too. I'm not looking for an outpouring of gratitude -- that's not why I gave them the gift. But at least let me know you received it, that's just common courtesy.

Manners have disappeared.

My friend asked me to send her grandchildren (young adults) lovely books to the USA (from England) - asked to use my amazon which I agreed to.

Not a thank you, nothing.

Didn't even call her on Xmas day - nor did their father.

Broke my heart.

Following year she asked to use my amazon again, I said "NO WAY!"

& this no thanking thing had happened before.

I sent my sister and her family presents three years in a row. Not only did she not say thank you, but she didn't so much as send a card in return. Needless to say I haven't spoken to her in three years.

Indeed, OP, and I have trouble imagining society when it gets worse. These are decent people but they just were clearly never taught (by my airhead sister in my nephew's case) to say "Thanks", let alone write a note or whatever. Scores of people are raising their kids like this, teaching them that it's annoying when someone holds the door for you, etc. It is going to be every man for himself more than ever soon, though I predict the South (where I am) will fight it the longest.

(Or it's just one more by product of Entitlement. "Of COURSE you sent me a gift. Why wouldn't you.")

I'm old school and still send thank you notes, even after going to a friend's house for dinner.

My brother's kid, on the other hand, is turning out well. Sent a nice little handwritten thank you note after his bar mitzvah (the only one in my family since his mom is Jewish) and always polite in person too. No small thing. Thinking back, my sister was always a rude nutcase too so no wonder the son is a bit of a dick. Not a great investment of a lot of my money either.

I remember my great aunt sent my nine-year-old brother a book for Xmas and included a note "If I don't get a thank you letter, this is your last Xmas present".

Big family drama ensued.

He was told to send a letter.

This was 1970-ish, so it's not a new problem.

My parents SHOULD have made sure he wrote in previous years - but was she right to do what she did?

Yep, though most of us will not rock the boat despite feeling just like her. "Forgetting" to send a gift (or phasing it out) is the easier route though, granted, passive-aggressive but who cares.

R11 Maybe that's what I should do. But I'm not that close to them anyway (see them maybe every couple years?) , so they probably won't care.

[quote] I think I'm going to cut them off this year.

Throw down, Mary!

I remember my sister in law had her little boy write a thank you letter for his birthday presents and she photocopied it and sent it out to everyone. My father was enraged (he hated her). The kid was about six.

Hmm I wonder if the little shits will be bothered to contact me if they DON'T receive a gift this year?

When I was a kid, I would write a note to my mother's stepmother, whom I had never met at that point, for her Christmas and birthday checks. The one time I didn't, she managed to work that into her note to her thank you note to my mom after Christmas the next year.

[quote]granted, passive-aggressive but who cares.

LOL

R17 She must have been a Datalounger!

I remember my grandmother sent me $100 on my birthday - I think I was 20 years old.

I didn't phone her because I thought she was away.

Next thing I knew she was shrieking down the phone at me - my grandfather in the background telling her to cool it.

i don't buy gifts anymore. i don't do ingrates.

OP, I sent 1oz. Silver gifts worth about $60. They were very pretty, of course. My nephew & Niece in Law never mentioned them. I know they got them because I had the packing tracked, but there was no metro at all.

So, I gave up on them. I send a card, also not acknowledged, but no gifts or money any longer.

I knew a guy years ago on LiveJournal (who used to post here, maybe still does) who had a gift list out for his birthday, and pleaded poor so often that I bought him a couple of things. Barely acknowledged it, let alone thank me.

Also gifted $50 to Comics Curmudgeon twice and he never thanked me, despite making a big deal of showing everyone how grateful he was by thanking them and sending out incentives. (I'd mistaken a comment by someone else as a comment of his, apologized for the confusion, but he apparently held a grudge forever.) Another $50 went to a freelance book reviewer who was in dire financial straits, supposedly. I didn't really have the $50 myself at the time, but he'd hosted discussion of a huge scandal on his blog and I figured he deserved a thanks. Not a single fucking word from him. Later realized it was because he was big pals with the author who had caused the whole problem in the first place, and he was mad at me because I called the guy out.

So I don't give gifts anymore, not to anyone except my partner and, back when they were alive, close relatives. Cousins, nieces, co-workers, neighbors, friends, they can all lick me. People are selfish buttheads.

It's so weird I saw this today, because I just had an "incident."

I started with a cleaning woman this year, and she only cleans once a month. She's young and has two kids. Yesterday was her day to clean, so I put her normal pay plus an extra $50 in a Christmas card for her. I also left a set of kid's walkie-talkies (still new in the box) I had won at a raffle at work last week. I put a note on them explaining how I got them and If her kids would like them, please take them.

I got home and the card and the toy were gone. The house was clean as well, but there was no thank you note or anything. I haven't gotten a text or any acknowledgement or thank you.

I know it wasn't a huge gift or anything, but geez, leave a note that says thanks or something. It sure makes me want to find a new cleaning person.

I sent Wikipedia £20 this year.

I thought they sent thank you emails.

NOTHING. NADA.

It's NOT on.

Even people like that should thank.

My grandmother gave me -- I am not making this up -- a paper napkin as a gift one year. It was a paper napkin left over from a flight on USAir that she'd taken that summer. She packed it in tissue paper and I didn't even see it at first, then when I did everyone was stunned, and she was angry for weeks that I didn't appreciate her generosity.

I later learned she used to send my mom a $5 bill and say "go buy Christmas presents for yourselves with it."

I donated to Internet Archive, R25, and got a very nice thank you note with some helpful info.

As much as they beg I can't believe Wikipedia doesn't send something out.

I don't know how my mother let it slip through the cracks, but my younger brother didn't write thank you notes to our wealthy great aunt who had no children of her own for years. Until, she point blank told him that she wouldn't be writing anymore until she had gotten acknowledgement of the previous one. Unlike my step-grandmother, our aunt lived 10 minutes away so we saw her quite regularly. As a middle-aged geezer, I only have occasion to write thank you notes to my aunt and uncle at Christmas, but those are generally in the mail by the next business day.

Minneapolis miffed - give her until the following month to write her off.

There will be someone along soon to say how queeny and old we sound.

When we were kids the first couple of years my mother would get the pencils, paper, envelopes and stamps out in front of us for the thank you notes, after that we initiated it ourselves and we were 6 or 7. My grandmother and great aunts saved the notes and we had some good laughs reading them as young adults. "Thank you for the Christmas money, I might pay mom so I can get a puppy".

I gave my cleaning lady $50 also, plus regifted brand new jackets that my sister had given me over three years previously for Xmas. They were good items. She thanked me perfusely. Her Mom, who she succeeded, used to tell me she was praying for me, when I drank too much. She’d just call me randomly. I really like them.

R26 OMG my dad did something similar one year -- gave us all ballpoint pens. Not special or fancy fountain pens, just regular old plastic Bic ballpoint pens. We thought it was a joke, but sadly it was not.

Did he get one of those big value packs and split it up between you, R32?

No, they were individual boxes of like 12 pens. We think he raided the supply closet at his office.

Okay, I will admit, my Mom didn't teach us to write Thank You cards (we were poor, and stamps were considered expensive), but she certainly taught us to thank people in person, profusely.

I sent my cousin's daughter the most expensive item on her wedding registry (didn't attend the wedding, though, since it was in July, in a church with no air conditioning). It was pretty much literally a year later that I received a Thank You card, indicating that she used the new cookware every day. I got over being miffed: I'm pretty forgiving.

And, here on DL, I've been encouraged by different pleas for help: I've donated to the endangered parrots of Puerto Rico, to the relief efforts for Puerto Rican citizens, and helped a fellow DLer get through a difficult financial time, and always received very nice acknowledgements. Generally speaking, I don't buy Christmas presents for anyone, anymore. I don't have many people left in my life. But, when I see something that I know my brother would really love, I just buy it and give it to him the next time I see him, and he's always grateful. And my ex is one of the best guys I know, so I try to buy him a special Christmas ornament every year.

R35 proper bridal etiquette dictates they have up to a year to send a thank you card. I think that's too long, myself, why on earth would it take a year to do that? But it's acceptable.

I too have helped a fellow DLer on here, and he was extremely grateful. I never thought I'd send money to a stranger, and I truly believe he was legit, and I was happy to do so.

I'd presented my manager with a very, very nice birthday gift yesterday afternoon. Though they had expressed appreciation upon receiving it, they'd also elected not to open my gift in my presence, saying, they'd wait until they'd arrived home that evening.

I'm still awaiting their text, in which they express their appreciation upon opening it.

Rude?

I remember my (now dead) BF - we were in a bookshop and he picked up a $10 book and said "You MUST get this, it's SO good!" and I said "Tell you what, why don't you fucking buy it for me!"

I was ALWAYS buying him little and big surprise gifts.

He didn't buy it for me.

Can't remember what happened next.

He once bought me a big Easter egg - I was on a fucking diet! I don't think I thanked him. He never bought me an Easter egg again.

We were a pair!

[quote]Rude?

give them a chance!

R36, I agree. I think the one year rule is sort of weird, and it left me puzzled that she was using the new cookware, but didn't think to thank me for it. But, as I said, I let it go. And yes, sending money to a stranger felt odd, but I felt I did the proper thing, and I was grateful to be acknowledged. I know we DLers aspire to cuntiness, but I know many of us are actually kind people.

R37, I can't believe I did this, but when I was a young gayling, I bought my boss the most gorgeous black onyx drop earrings for Christmas (she was GREAT!) I'm not only grateful that she thanked me profusely at the time, but she wore them nearly every day the rest of the time we worked together, until she moved into a new job. Knowing that someone actually LIKES your gift is the gift that gives back. So I understand your point of view, but at least you got a thank you.

Sorry and thank you are over apparently.

If I were to receive gift from my employee / coworker, I would never be so crass as to tell somebody my preference is not to open it. Excellent upbringing and manners dictate otherwise.

I don't like it when I don't get a thank you card and a photo for a wedding gift.

I bought my husband some azalea bushes that were on clearance and he got angry, let alone thanked me!

[quote] R25: I sent Wikipedia £20 this year

Did you check that the charge went through? And your email address? They always thank me. That’s just software, so I think it’s you, bub.

I think if you thank someone in person, a card is excessive. No?

Yes, I checked about half an hour ago actually, R45.

R44, Are you still in dire financial straits? There may be a reason.......

R46, I think it's redundant, but I know many others will disagree. I pretty much only receive presents (or other types of kind acknowledgement) in person, so I've always thanked the benefactor, in person. I indicated upthread that I wasn't really taught to write Thank You cards, but it's not like I ever received gifts through the mail. If I had, I certainly would have written Thank You cards.

R46, No, it isn't excessive. A personal, handwritten "Thank-you Note" is mandatory for any gifts received.

If I get a really big gift - I send a thank you and a small gesture gift in return.

I got a text from my cleaning lady which said "Thank you very much for the beautiful flowers. The surgery went well but still in a lot of pain. God bless you. You are a wonderful person."

So, nice thank you, right? Trouble is, I hadn't sent any flowers, so I wrote back saying I had wanted to send flowers, but didn't know her address, and I hoped she was feeling better.

I just got a text back saying "I sent you the wrong text. Here is my address:..."

So now, I guess I've got to send flowers!

R49, I agree, Thank You cards represent class. Unfortunately, some of us (I'm R35, R40, R48) weren't raised in that class, although we sometimes aspire to it. You can't go wrong sending a nice card, though, even though I can't remember the last time I've done that. I at least have a nice set of proper stationery to use, although it's seldom used.

If you're going to use a pre-printed card, which can be okay, be sure to include some sort of a personalized note of a sentence or two.

I would, 51. She cleans up things I don't want to think about.

But having to write Thank you notes is borderline abuse!!

I honestly think part of the problem anymore is some kids are just too spoiled. My parents and I never get thank yous from my nieces, but it's because it's just chaos at holidays or birthdays. I get them expensive dolls or clothes, but they have 200 other boxes to open, so who cares? They can't read yet so they don't know who anything is coming from, and my siblings are too busy picking up the mess or taking pics to keep up. The smallest ones get *bored* opening gifts there are so many. It is just ridiculous. I won't participate anymore. This year they are getting cards stating I've donated to a food bank in their name.

I love you R56, you made me chuckle.

Underlings should not give gifts to bosses other than on Bosses Day. Gift giving at work should occur from the top down.

I absolutely cut off people who don't have the decency to thank, let alone acknowledge receipt of a gift from me. Fuck them.

Didn't send a wedding gift to a millennial couple (my nephew and his dipshit new 'artsy' bride) who never acknowledged that members of the family, including me, had traveled a long way to make their destination wedding a 'success'. Bride's parents never acknowledged us, even as a group. Everyone too busy taking selfies and flouncing around in the rain, dancing. Fuck 'em.

Oh yeah, the days of saying yes to a destination wedding are long gone. Now I get the Renewal Ceremony invites and I want to puke. It's not enough that I flew in for the first one? And the invites are dripping in Frau not getting enough attention otherwise: "CELEBRATE LOVE!!!" vomit.

yes very rude. and get this. my brother in law visits us for xmas and he comes empty handed. we don't expect him to bring presents for everyone but at least bring something for the hosts, you know like fruits, choc, nothing expensive but he NEVER does. fucking hate him.

My partner and I are very busy with our careers, managing our home, and our life responsibilities to support both. Though, at times, we may arrive without a side dish or a dessert to contribute to celebratory dinner events, we always insist on cleaning the host's kitchen for including us, to demonstrate our appreciation for the invitation.

My nephews and niece are the same OP. Decent amount every xmas, and for big birthdays. Never mentioned. I'm not expecting anything but a simple thank you when we meet, or a quick email. Nope. And they are the same with at least one other relative who is generous. Spoilt brats. I blame the parents.

When my nieces and nephews were young, I never got a thank you card, so I just stopped sending them gifts. It takes time and money to shop for a gift, wrap it, and then ship it. If you can't even acknowledge it, then I'm not putting in the effort. It's just as much the parents fault as the kids. You do learn manners from your parents, after all.

It's no surprise that I never heard a word from them after that, except when they wanted another gift, like graduations and weddings. Fuck that shit.

This was YEARS ago.

My brother invited his creep of a friend to our house for Xmas. I was only 16. But I was a considerate and nice 16 and I bought him a movie book. He, who was much older, brought me nothing and left the book behind when he went home.

Although this was almost 40 years ago - whenever I hear of him, I think of this.

I'm of the generation that doesn't expect a handwritten thank-you note, but a nice e-mail accomplishes the same thing and doesn't require a card or stamps. If someone can't even be bothered to do that, fuck 'em.

Tells you all you needed to know, R66, even then.

Yes, you're right, R68.

also says everything about my brother, who kept him as a friend all these years.

And you gave him a cool Halliwell guide, no less. Not some pedestrian book by Leonard Maltin. A very cool British guide. He did not deserve it.

Yes.

Funnily enough, I kept it and had it and used it for years.

But not that cool - I'm English, so it was it was the mainstream book, as it were. The Maltin book - I think my mother had an 'imported' out of date copy I also referred to.

I don't think people really bother with these books anymore, since the internet and imdb. But they're still a pleasure to read. I've got a 1994 'Variety' one I like a lot.

But it was extremely creepy of him not to take the book with him when he went home. Horrible, really.

If ever I meet him again I might remind him of it. Or maybe not. Most of my brother's friends were pretty dreadful. Like him. Makes sense really.

Yeah, one of the great things about getting older is you accept the facts you are given about people and move on. I probably would've made up all kinds of forgiving excuses for him at that young age. Now I say, "I know everything I need to know. Next!"

Wish I'd learned that earlier, would've saved me much drama and even stupidity on my part.

I get a thanks from all the nephews and nieces after every gift. Years ago we all cut a deal in my family where all you have to do is send a thank you text. Miss Manners may not approve, but text messages save paper and time, and it conveys the same sentiment.

I think that’s nice, R73. You get an acknowledgment, and you have an understanding on what that means and how it’s done,.

A couple Xmases ago, I sent an excessive gift to cousins and family since I’m an eldergay who now has a little money and the cousins are all over 70 so, that’s the jumping off place, right? Anyway, I got excessive acknowledgement and I think we all appreciated it. We were close when I was very young. Their parents would drag them to see us every Thanksgiving. I then never heard from them as an adult, but have started to again over the last 5 years. Infrequently, but I just today got a long thing from one to read. I really loved their Mom, she was great.

Oh, fank you, OP!

Young people not only are more demanding of their rights, (they don't take being gay bashed), they are not hypocritical. If you're not getting thank you notes it's because your gifts are not good.

And don't give me that 'it's the thought that counts' bullshit, like Archie Bunker said, 'you could've thought of something else.'

And as for cutting them off, go ahead, they probably will be relieved not to get your awful gifts.

Trust me, if you gave them a good gift you'd be thanked adequately.

[quote]we all cut a deal in my family where all you have to do is send a thank you text. Miss Manners may not approve, but text messages save paper and time, and it conveys the same sentiment.

No it doesn't. All it means is "thank you" is become a blanket obligation instead of a real, heartfelt reaction. They are no more thankful with that mass email, than Hillary is thankful she lost.

It's like saying taking five seconds to stuff some money in an envelope is the same as taking weeks on picking out a gift that a person needs, can use and actually likes.

No they never say thank you and it pisses me off. Last year I met my niece and nephew at the mall and told them they could pick one thing in the entire mall (within reason) and I would pay for it. Both kids wandered around aimlessly, didn't really want anything and were more interested in the lunch I bought them than idea that they could have almost ANYTHING THEY WANTED in the entire mall. I would have dies for the opportunity for someone to do that for me when I was their age. I think it's because kids just get so much nowadays and also they are so heavily targeted by marketing that they don't have time develop any of their own interests.

Has anyone also noticed that kids now don't actually buy presents for anyone anymore? Or is they do the mother does it for them. As kids we were expected to buy our grandparents and certain uncles/aunts and family friends presents which we picked out ourselves, wrapped and wrote a card for. It's no wonder they don't say thank you when they have no experience of taking the time to pick, warp and send a present, and the appreciation of an acknowledgement that should follow.

I used to but y them things but got tired of no acknowledgement. So now I send them a text with links to a a couple of things I think they would like. I usually say something like "Which out of these two are you into? If none then send me a link of what you do like". Of course, i receive no reply because it requires a slightly complex interaction but at least I don't waste my money and I can tell the parents that I made he effort but I never heard from them

R51 here. I did send flowers, and I got 1700 frequent flyer miles for a $70 arrangement.

This is more her taste than mine by the way. She loves sweets.

Thank You for this thread.

It is poor manners.

In fact, I would either reduce how much contact I have with such people or cut them out of my life.

I would not be interested in excuses or any insight into a difference in generations. It is insulting behavior. And I would not put up with it.

Still waiting -

I agree that not saying thank you for a gift is rude, especially considering how easy it is to do so these days with social media, etc. I have a question though: is it rude to not RSVP to a wedding invitation? I feel like it’s rude to say “I’m not coming to your filthy wedding”, so I just ignore it. Am I being cunty for ignoring these invites?

Burn'em! Burn 'em all!

LOL, I also pretend I never received wedding invitations. oops, that darn post office... (meanwhile they remain unopened on my desk forever).

My friends should know better anyway. I hate that shit. And patron saint Larry David has given me ammo not to participate.

My dad was dirt poor, bless his heart. When I turned 6 or 7, he gifted me a bar of soap (Palmolive brand, will never forget.). Even as a little boy, I remember being disappointed and wishing I had been aborted. I don’t even think I said thank you, and I think it crushed him.

R87, how so? Enlighten me.

When you think about it, inviting gay people to straight weddings before we could get married was a super asshole move...”here, home celebrate with me this institution not available to you!”

Larry David's whole show is pretty much about fighting the silly demands of society. The best ep is when he accidentally trips Shaq at a basketball game and the world hates him -- and he loves it because he doesn't have to do letters of rec, silly pages for birthday books, dinners he hates, all of that.

I just find it weird when someone who has not maintained contact through the years suddenly sends me invites to the wedding of a daughter I have barely ever met or, worse, Recommitment ceremonies for those fraus who aren't getting enough attention (which is almost all of them). Like my being at the wedding way back when wasn't enough. Fuck. No.

Maybe they didn't like the gift ...........

I always say thank you when I receive a 🎁 gift, and will even draw you a picture of me enjoying your gift!

R91, even when it’s motherfreaking cash? What’s not to like?

[quote]It's like saying taking five seconds to stuff some money in an envelope is the same as taking weeks on picking out a gift that a person needs, can use and actually likes.

What's impersonal about giving money? When it came to Christmas gifts, as a kid, what I needed, could use and liked most WAS cash!

I used to like what we called in England "Record Tokens". For 10 shillings (10/-) you could buy one 45.

But I got pissed if I got "Book Tokens". BORING.

^^as a vinyl geek I’m living for those tokens.

I have need of etiquette advice. My very distant rich Uncle from Dubai has unexpectedly sent me $100 for my birthday. He doesn’t do this habitually and it isn’t a milestone birthday (and no, I’m not a hot 19y.p nephew or even a dude before anyone asks), so I’m a little confused and embarrassed. I want to email him in thanks (a letter would take a month to reach him and he wouldn’t read it anyway) but I don’t know what to say as I’m not accustomed to receiving gifts like this from anyone or any real acknowledgment from my extended family. This branch of my kin are people I have phone calls with on Christmas then if they travel on vacation to our soil maybe the occasional 5-8 year reunion in the form of a summer BBQ. I’m clueless how to talk about this appreciatively it sincerely. I also have a tortured secret crush on my cousin - his kid - which kind of complicates the matter. Any guidance gratefully received.

I quit giving gifts to family. I only give to people who work for me.

According to my mother, at one point decades ago (I'm old) my great-aunt flat out told my younger brother that he might not get any further gifts unless he got into the Thank You groove.

I don't send thank you notes to my mother, but I do send them to my aunt and uncle who do send me a Christmas present every year.

I sent three of my cousins (they are siblings:17,19 and 21) a Christmas and birthday gift last year but got no acknowledgment at all.

Don’t you EVER send those bitches anything else again, you welcome mat you!

R99: consider this post a Cease and Desist order on anything more for them!

Dear Dubai Uncle,

What a pleasant surprise it was to receive such a generous gift from you for my birthday! Thank you so much for the gift. It was not at all expected, but deeply appreciated and made the day a little bit more festive. I have put the money in savings; I’m saving up for a new car in the fall and this has helped immensely. [That’s a crappy sentence, but I’ve found when people give money it can be nice to let them know something worthwhile you’re going to put it towards.] I hope all is well with you and the family.

Thanks again,

Grateful Nephew

They’re a bunch of bitches!!

[quote] I'd presented my manager with a very, very nice birthday gift yesterday afternoon. Though they had expressed appreciation upon receiving it, they'd also elected not to open my gift in my presence, saying, they'd wait until they'd arrived home that evening. I'm still awaiting their text, in which they express their appreciation upon opening it. Rude?

Absolutely rude! Especially since there were multiple recipients to help write the thank-you text.