HELLO MY FRIENDS --I HOPE YOU ARE ALL HAVING A NICE "TURKEY DAY",,AT THE MOMENT I AM WRITING TO YOU FROM MY SUNNY THANKSGIVING CRUISE --VERY ELEGANT, JUST LIKE THE MOVIE "TITANIC". MICKEY MOUSE HIMSELF JUST CAME BY & OFFERED ME A PINA COLADA W/ A CUTE LITTLE UMBRELLA IN IT. HOWARD, MY WELL-ENDOWED DWARF TOP, IS LOUNGING NEXT TO ME WEARING AVIATOR SUNGLASSES AND SIPPING A HIGHBALL THROUGH A STRAW.
LAST NITE SOMETHING DREADFUL HAPPENED. I WAS ALREADY A LITTLE TIPSY FROM THE VODKA THAT I SMUGGLED ON BOARD IN ONE OF MOM'S COLOSTOMY BAGS, BUT FELT LIKE SOME COMPANY, SINCE HOWARD HAD DECIDED TO EXPLORE THE SHIP ON HIS OWN. I FELT LONELY AFTER I WATCHED HIM WADDLE DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND OUT OF SIGHT. THE SHIP WAS FILLED WITH "SENIORS" WHO HAD LONG SINCE RETIRED TO THEIR CABINS. I PUT ON MY NICEST HOLLISTER OUTFIT AND WANDERED TO THE BAR, WHERE I STRUCK UP A CONVERSATION WITH THE BARTENDER. TURNS OUT HE WAS FROM POLAND. HIS NAME WAS MLADEN, AND HE HAD A VERY- HANDSOME FACE!! HE WAS DIVORCED, AND SAD THAT HE WAS NOT ABLE TO SEE HIS CHILDREN AS OFTEN AS HE LIKED. HE SEEMED A LITTLE IRRITABLE, BUT I PUT IT OFF TO HIS LONG HOURS.
I TURNED ON THE CHARM AND SAID SOME FUNNY THINGS TO MAKE HIM LAUGH, AND HE FINALLY DID, EXPOSING SEVERAL MISSING AND ROTTEN TEETH. I LET IT GO, AS HE WAS BEING VERY KIND SERVING ME FULL STRENGTH DRINKS,AND NOT THE WATERED DOWN STUFF. BY MIDNIGHT, I WAS REALLY "INEBRIATED" AND STRUGGLED TO GET OFF THE BARSTOOL TO STAGGER BACK TO MY CABIN. I REMEMBER THE BAR BEING EMPTY; THE ONLY THING I COULD HEAR WAS THE SOUND OF THE SHIPS ENGINES. JUST THEN "GOOFY" CAME BY, ONE OF MY FAVORITE DISNEY CHARACTERS. GOOFY KINDLY OFFERED TO TAKE ME BACK TO MY CABIN. I GRATEFULLY TOOK HIS ARM AS HE HELPED ME FROM MY BARSTOOL AND WE WALKED BACK TO MY CABIN. A FEW TIMES MY HEAD BUMPED AGAINST HIS SNOUT AS I STAGGERED AND I SO I SLURRED MY APOLOGIES.
AS I PLACED MY KEY CARD IN THE DOOR OF MY CABIN I THANKED HIM FOR WALKING ME BACK , TELLING HIM I WAS FLATTERED THAT SUCH A CELEBRITY WOULD SHOW ME SO MUCH ATTENTION. "WAIT, I WILL HELP YOU IN, HYUH HYUH HYUH!", HE SAID, IN HIS PERFECT GOOFY'S VOICE. LOOKING BACK, I GUESS THERE WAS A CERTAIN TENSION, BUT I IGNORED IT.
"WELL, MR. GOOFY, AREN'T YOU SWEET TO TUCK ME IN!!" ,, BUT JUST BEFORE I COULD ASK HIM FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH--SUDDENLY I FELT A SHARP PAIN ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE... GOOFY HAD HIT ME! I FELL TO THE GROUND, MY WIG GONE ASKEW OVER MY EYES, AND BEFORE I COULD DO ANYTHING, HE HAD POUNCED UPON ME, PINNING MY ARMS, AND FORCING HIS OVERSIZED SNOUT INTO MY ASS CRACK. "ITS YOU AND ME, NOW BABY! HYUH HYUH!" HE CHORTLED. "L-L-LET GO OF ME GOOFY! I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU!!" I YELLED, TRYING TO PUSH HIM OFF OF ME WITH A STRONG GERIATRIC BOOTY THRUST. MY DREAM CRUISE WAS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE! I FELT HIS FUZZY ORANGE FOREARM UP AGAINST MY THROAT AS I LOST MY BREATH. MY PARTIAL PLATE FELL OUT OF MY MOUTH, AND HE BEGAN TO LAUGH HIS FAMOUS LAUGH, BUT NOW IT SOUNDED "SINISTER",. HIS WHITE GLOVED HAND BEGAN TO TEAR AT MY HOLLISTER TRACK SUIT, EXPOSING MY PLUMP PALE BODY TO HIS LUSTY ASSAULT. I WANTED TO SCREAM, BUT WAS TOO FRIGHTENED AT THE PROSPECT OF SOMEONE SEEING ME IN SUCH A COMPROMISING POSITION. BESIDES, I WAS A DRUNK ELDER-BOTTOM,,AND HE WAS A BELOVED DISNEY CHARACTER---WHO WOULD HAVE BELIEVED _ME_??
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