When someone who ghosted you reemerges

Punch, delete, etc.

A man I cared for did that to me, for about a year. Then, just as suddenly, he indicated he wanted to come back in my life. Curiously, I held off, just going on with my life as it had become. I never got back in touch with him, even though we lived in the same neighborhood.

Some time later, I realized I did this because, after he treated me that way for a full year, what kind of self-esteem would I have if I let him come back into my life at his whim?

You can’t go back.

If you ghost, that means DEAD TO ME. So no. U cannot come back. Ever. Be gone, fool! Poof!

I ghost people all the time. If you were ghosted, there's probably a reason.

Take a walk on a bridge. Push him over.

As an innate loner, I have low expectations for personal relationships, but maybe because of that, depending on how badly the person hurt me, I tend to give second or even third chances if the person sincerely seems to want to reconnect.

My personal dignity is not so fragile or dependent on others' opinions that I can't forgive. Life is short.

Mostly I'm on the side of "no" unless there is a pretty good explanation (e.g., a personal trauma that they were dealing with that caused them to ghost just about everyone). I figure they showed me who they were and how much value they placed on our friendship when they ghosted me. As Maya Angelou put it, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

fuck him.

if you run into him give him those Dead Mackeral Eyes and the Devil's Horns.

that is all.

It would depend. I'd hear him/her out as to why s/he ghosted me, and if it were a compelling enough reason, I'd re-connect. But trusting them again would be hard and I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

OP, have you ever heard the phrase 'You hurt the ones you love.'?

I'd give him a second chance. There may have been reasons that you know nothing about.

That's not to say that you shouldn't be on your guard. You need to know that you can still trust this man and it's going to take a long time for that to happen. But you can still socialize, talk to etc etc.

As Nana used to say: Fool me once shame on you... fool me twice shame on me. Or as Solange says: stay away or i'm gonna cut the bitch.

Depends on the explanation and his contrition.

Stay away, don't even reply to his calls, mails or messages through friends. The fucker wants something from you. He left the first time because he was done with you and didn't see anything of value to take anymore and now he sees/needs something from you and wants it. Once he has what he wants, he's gone again, till the next time he wants to take you for a fool and then, rinse and repeat. I've been there and been the fool, but not anymore.

No R12 it does not depend on anything. Ghost = POOF be gone!!

People that do that to me now are dead to me for good.

It's just talk that he tells your friends so they won't think poorly of him. He's not going to call. Don't kid yourself. You don't need to worry about what to do because it's not going to happen.

Chances are you're now seen as a good option until a better one comes along.

Sometimes people get depressed and push others close to them away. You could also read the ghosting as "you got close to him" which means he did care for you, but sabotaged it because it's something he does. Maybe he's gotten help for that issue and wants to make amends?

I ghost everyone in my life. I can't seem to help it. I know that in reality I can but what happens every time is that I develop these fast and intense relationships and there comes a point that I just can't keep up with them. I bolt. I have noticed that a lot of friends maintain friendships that really aren't that deep but serve a general purpose like someone to go to a movie with or that person you shop with but i always go all in and find it hard to keep up.

I've let such people back into my life and they only do it again.

Consistency is actually a quality I value most in a person. My longest relationship of 9 1/2 yrs was with someone who never gave me the 'cold treatment' once.

I came from a family who played very much the "now you see me, now you don't" with their love. DREADFUL. So I guess I accepted it as normal in my relationships later in life. But NO MORE and I think if you do take them back, they never really respect you for doing so either.

OP, he's likely to ghost you again in the future and hurt you a second time. Who needs this drama? Pretend he doesn't exist anymore.

OP:

This is not a good place for advice.

DLers tend to be damaged souls who collect injustices. They've been taunted, bullied and mocked so much of their lives they always assume people have ill intentions and by "collect injustices"--they constantly look for reasons to be offended and invent them when none are intended, seem to relish living in a world where people let them down. It makes them toxic.

The reason your friend ghosted you likely has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. At least hear him out. And if he was a good friend, keep your heart open and hear him out. It sounds like this was not his usual MO and so listen to his reason. I'm sure he understands that you were hurt, you can each acknowledge that, but then just let it go-- do not beat him up with it.

People who hold grudges are toxic. They are the unhappiest people I've ever encountered. And DL is full of them.

[quote]People who hold grudges are toxic.

So are people who leave toxic messages about DLers on DL, watch out for them, OP.

[quote]They are the unhappiest people I've ever encountered. And DL is full of them.

I guess that's why you're here, Mary.

[quote]This is not a good place for advice.

SO true. I'll be ignoring yours.

If you want to see him, see him.

If you don't, don't.

If you want to know why he ghosted you, ask.

If you don't care, don't ask.

If you want to have ice cream for dinner, have ice cream for dinner.

I ghosted a friend about two years ago. I was just over the friendship and wanted to be done with it. It took him two months to finally get the picture that I wasn't going to return his texts.

Every four months or so he reaches out with a text. Sometimes I've responded- sometimes not, but it always seems so pathetic. Makes me think even less of him that he can't have the self respect to stay away after my actions.

Don't respond to him or he'll view you in that same pathetic light.

If he hadn't already acknowledged his absence and explained what was going on in his life to cause it AND apologized appropriately, I'd steer clear. As others have pointed out, he probably suddenly thinks he can USE you for something.

Wow you ppl are harsh. Glad my friends accepted me back in their lives when I fell into despair and ghosted everyone.

If his intentions are sincere, I don't understand why your former friend couldn't reach out to you directly to make amends and repair your friendship instead of going through other people. Does he thrive on drama, or is he appropriately testing the waters?

R26 you sound like an emotional cripple

I just reconnected with a good friend I lost touch with about a year ago. It turns out we both thought we were mad at each other.

R26 doesn’t sound like an emotional cripple to me but rather an awful person altogether.

IF I UNDERSTAND,,"TO GHOST" MEANS TO....DROP ALL CONTACT??? I TRIED DOING THAT WITH MY ABUSIVE MOTHER ABT 1995....BUT HERE SHE IS TODAY IN 2017, AGED 92,,LIVING WITH ME--IN FACT SHE IS NOW YELLING AT ME TO SWEEP THE KITCCHEN FLOOR (WHICH IS CLEAN!!)..BLESS,BILL

92? Wow. God bless her. You’re lucky to still have your mother, Bill.

[quote]92? Wow. God bless her. You’re lucky to still have your mother, Bill.

Someone should ask her how she feels about having BILL TAYLOR as a son.

Ok. Who's going to play BILL TAYLOR'S MOM?

Force him to prove he loves you, OP. Hire a female escort and make him eat her out and film the entire thing for blackmail purposes later if he skips out on you again.

I wonder how many of you who think you've been "ghosted" are the type of people who always expect the other person to initiate contact.

The boyfriend of a friend greets me -- every time I see them -- with: "Well, hello STRANGER!"

It comes across as a dig that I haven't been good at keeping in touch. But the thing is this: It is always said at a dinner I arranged and I am ALWAYS the one to have arranged the last get-together.

I assume the last dinner you served with a side order of poison, r38

Ghosting someone is a kindness to them. You spare them the pain of having to hear why you no longer what them in your life.

If you're the ghostee, take the ghosting with dignity and move on. Both sides are better off.

Not possible when the ghost is too selfish & immature to stay a ghost

Based on the people I know who've done this... he's going to do it to you again. So if you decide to let him back into your life be prepared for that.

It's a tough call. You could meet up with him if you desperately want to know what the hell happened... but if it were me, I'd either 1) not respond or 2) arrange a time to meet up and never show up and not respond to any of his messages asking where you are, etc. Yes, petty but hey, maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine.

But I feel like you'll take him back.

Hasn't this scenario been posted several times before?

[quote]Ghosting someone is a kindness to them. You spare them the pain of having to hear why you no longer what them in your life.

Keep telling yourself that.

Ghosting is a signal of immaturity and selfishness, no matter how you try to spin it. You're not sparing the person any type of pain, in fact you're doing the exact opposite of everything you've proclaimed. You're prolonging their hurt and making them spend countless hours, weeks, months, wondering what the problem was. But, you already knew that. People who ghost are passive aggressive and cowards.

R43: That is not always true. Sometimes, it does no good to explain why you no longer wish to be friends with someone. Many people refuse to accept that they may be at fault. And to accuse them of anything just creates more of a mess for all of your mutual friends.

There can also be more ineffable reasons for wanting a former friendship to slip away. Sometimes, people just drift apart.

You don't have to tell them WHY you're not interested, unless they are a crazy person, in which case, ghosting is probably okay. But for 97% of people, you just need to tell them that you're not a match. They might be mad, they might curse at you, they might say nothing. But it's much kinder than just never talking to them again.

Don't delude yourself into thinking that you're being kind by ghosting someone. It's easier for you and painful for them, and a selfish act.

You're a big pussy R44

Rather than deal with the uncomfortableness of confronting someone who you once really liked, you avoid any confrontation, leaving them, as R43 said, to spend months or even years rehashing their last conversations with you, trying to figure out what they did or said to piss you off so badly.

That's just straight up cold and the coward's way out.

[quote]Many people refuse to accept that they may be at fault.

Sort of like people who ghost and refuse to accept that they're selfish, passive aggressive, cowards?

Do I get what you're saying? Sure. But unless the other person is abusive or has done something so outrageously heinous, there's no reason you can't say, "hey, I really don't want to see/talk to you again because..." I'd venture to guess that more than 90% of people who are ghosting aren't dealing with some situation where the other person is some sort of monster. I'd also guess that they get off on the power trip and enjoy the other person continuing to try to reach out.

You know it's true.

It's 100% true R47 and like I said above, it's the coward's way out and real pussy move.

It's also a thing that seems to happen with women and uber-femme gays a lot-- regular guys aren't all that complex and don't do that to their friends.

I've seen straight guys do it to women, but that's a lot different, fucking changes everything.

@R36 Carol Burnette!

Maybe if the people you passive aggressive cowards had ghosted actually knew why you did it, they could take some time to self-reflect and make changes. Especially if their ways are coming at the cost of good friendships.

But no, you’d rather just shut them out and move on because you’re so damn scared of a little confrontation.

It seems to me if you really wanted to cut someone out of your life, you'd tell them why so there was no question and they wouldn't contact you again. Not telling them seems counter-productive and in fact would most likely make the person continue trying to chase you... but again, that's probably exactly what the majority of you want.

Ghosting is a necessary tool in life. Many, many times in life, you will reach a point with someone with whom you just don't see things the same way. No amount of explaining or confronting the person will succeed in leading them, to see it your way. This is because you and the other person HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES. When this is the case, ghosting is the only possible solution. Accept this, and move on with your life in other directions.

Or, just tell them it isn't working, you aren't a match, and move on. The options are not binary, e.g. 0) Ghost or 1) Don't Ghost and explain every reason why you aren't a couple. You don't have to give a reason other than "you aren't a match". If they don't accept that - and some won't, and some will get mad, and some will curse at you - at least you told them straight up like a human being, and then you don't have to talk to them again.

R53, unfortunately it does not work that way. When you reach the ending point with someone who has different values, giving them more bait with which to argue and debate will not be a viable solution. Ghosting is the only reasonable way out and forward to more positive relationships.

[QUOTE]No amount of explaining or confronting the person will succeed in leading them, to see it your way.

Then after you confront them and they refuse to change, you tell them it’s time to move on from your friendship. And if they continue to contact them, you ask them to stop and again explain that it’s over and why. And if they continue still, that’s when you start blocking.

But that’s not ghosting. Ghosting is just sticking your head in the sand and hoping the person stops texting you when they have absolutely no idea why.

The point of this thread is to discuss the ghosts who decide to resurrect themselves.

[quote]When you reach the ending point with someone who has different values, giving them more bait with which to argue and debate will not be a viable solution. Ghosting is the only reasonable way out and forward to more positive relationships.

Nope. You're just giving yourself a reason to continue being a passive aggressive coward. You don't have to get anyone to see things your way or have your values. You're telling the person that because you can't agree or you have different values you don't want to be friends and that's that. They'll know why and you're not obligated to continue speaking to them or responding to them after that.

And your last sentence doesn't even make any sense. Positive relationships with who? You're not going to have a positive relationship with anyone you've ghosted and if you can't be mature enough to understand that ghosting is an immature act, you're not having ever going to have positive relationships with anyone else.

I was ghosted by my best friend no less. We had known each other practically since we were babies and suddenly he completely disappeared from my life with no explanations. It hurt like hell but later on I found out that he had been swallowed whole by a boa constrictor and that gave it a little bit of closure, but still.

Missy strikes again!

[quote]But no, you’d rather just shut them out and move on because you’re so damn scared of a little confrontation.

Or, as in OP's case - turn up again for some reason and try to resume a friendship as though nothing happened.

R48 happens TO women and gays or happens FROM women and gays a lot?

This happened to me just this very week!

I found out from a mutual acquaintance he is desperate to borrow money and had contacted him last week for just that purpose.

Methinks r57 was ghosted and has not quite come to accept it yet. In many cases, a person no longer wishes to be abused or mistreated by one he (or she) was formerly close to. Ghosting is the only reasonable solution with which to break contact with a destructive and abusive person, and seek out a relationship with a more supportive and loving person.

R63:

Give it a rest.

Your argument has nothing to do with why a ghost chooses to reappear.

The few times I've allowed them back, they did the same again.

It's a person's prerogative to reject a friend if they want to, for whatever reason, but they can't march right back when they feel like it.

I know when my 1st husband died unexpectedly I ghosted everyone. I didnt really mean to,but my grief was so all consuming and overwhelming it just seemed to happen. About 18 months later I started coming out of it,but by then it seemed the damage was done. I understood how they felt,I mean I cut off all contact and holed up in my house drinking and eating myself into a coma,not answering the phone or knocks at the door ,but they all knew how much I loved him and shouldnt that have been taken into consideration? I was a fucking mess,it didnt mean I didnt care about them,it just meant I was hurting and thought thats the way to handle it. I would give the ex friend a chance to explain,and if I didnt feel it was legitimate enough,Id say thanks but no thanks.

The posters who said he'll ghost you again are right. He wants something from you, probably some social function or emotional need he's temporarily unable to get from people further up on his list. A college friend contacted me 20 years after ghosting me and out of nostalgia I let bygones be bygones. We had some good times for a few months and then he ghosted me again the exact same way as before. In the old days he'd call me to accompany him in certain situations until he just stopped returning my calls. This time he was fresh on the wagon and used me to attend social gatherings without his other friends, who are all drunkies like him. Then he got cold feet and decided he didn't want to stop drinking or ditch his old friends after all, and cut me off cold. It really made me feel like a chump but I learned a lesson: don't be the shoulder for someone just (maybe) getting his shit together to cry on, especially when he's already showed no interest in reciprocating.

[quote] Every four months or so he reaches out with a text. Sometimes I've responded- sometimes not, but it always seems so pathetic. Makes me think even less of him that he can't have the self respect to stay away after my actions.

So, you're literally saying you hold him in all the more contempt for caring about you despite how badly you treated him.

You're about as fucked up as it gets.

"shown", not showed.

Methinks R63 has no self-awareness that she is passive aggressive and a coward. I bet she has a long history of it's them not me.

R19 - sounds like you are either very young, or this is a just symptom of a more severe underlying issue. Do you have stability elsewhere in your life - work/career, intimate relationships etc?

I'm actually going through this right now OP. Last year I was going through a lot, and I pretty much stopped communicating with a couple really close friends. Then a couple weeks ago out of the blue I heard from one of them. It was so great to hear from her - we made plans to have dinner. The night before we were to go to dinner, she ran into the other friend accidentally and mentioned to her that she was meeting with me the following evening. Well literally 45 minutes later I received a phone call from my other friend. We are meeting this week. It was great to hear from both of them. Because it's been a little over a year. I had a lovely dinner and caught up with friend A already, and it was just so nice. Both of them are wonderful friends to me, so I was just glad that they reached out. It was something I had wanted to do for the past few months, but hesitated because so much time had already gone by, I thought they would be annoyed with me. They weren't at all. They completely understood. But we were always good friends to each other, so I guess deep down I always knew they would understand. I am just glad they took that step to reach out.

[quote]is passive aggressive and a coward

Yeah, we got that part the first hundred times you typed it.

They didn't tell you why you were ghosted, but I think we can, by now, all guess.

R71 here - I should probably clarify. My "Ghosting" of my two friends had nothing to do with them. They are great friends. It had to do with me. I guess I slumped into a depression because I had some serious personal stuff going on last years and just was in my own little world dealing with it.

But to the others saying ghosting is passive aggressive/cowardly - I do agree with that for most situations. I don't agree with it for my own - I wasn't a coward, I just was overwhelmed with personal stuff. But those that ghost people, without giving some real explanation are passive aggressive and very weak. I would imagine...the person being ghosted, if they really knew the other person well - they KNOW they are being ghosted. Especially if the person has a habit of ghosting people. They are usually passive aggressive anyway, with other issues, so it shouldn't be a total shock. This has also happened to me. I wasn't disappointed in the end, because I realized I wasn't losing a real friend.

R22 We have a little something for you.

R72 I only said it once but it's clear being called out bothers you.

[quote]I only said it once

Let's call out the ghosters on their other bullshit: they know that the ghostees, the people they're ghosting, are going to keep on trying to contact them, possibly for years.

And because they're fucked up, they love that part of it.

It would irk them so much more if the ghostee never tried to contact them again, because then what would the fun be, the ego boost of "he still wants to be friends. Pathetic loser!"

Whereas if you'd broken things off once and for all, you'd never hear from them again and that would not be as much fun.

[quote]It would irk them so much more if the ghostee never tried to contact them again, because then what would the fun be, the ego boost of "he still wants to be friends. Pathetic loser!"

Please stop projecting your pathologies on everyone else. I'm sure that does happen, but it not necessarily the dynamic.

I ghosted a friend and was very happy to not hear from him again after I politely declined several invitations. He had revealed himself to be completely amoral, so I couldn't trust him. But I didn't want to say that to something because it seems so cruel. I would rather him think I'm just flakey. In any event, I'm glad I did it.

"revealed himself to be completely amoral"

Nothing like a drama queen to create more drama.

And regardless of your self-deceptive "reasons" R78, you're still a pussy and a coward.

Ghosting is bad manners, c'est tout.

OP, based on what you've written so far, nothing has happened. I'd post again when he has actually gotten in touch. Meanwhile, I'd forget about it.

Just wanted to say that the "Sure Jan" that r76 posted made me laugh out loud (loudly). So thank you for that :)

Just wanted to say that the "Sure Jan" that [R76] posted made me laugh out loud (loudly). So thank you for that :)

[quote]you're still a pussy and a coward.

I'm also passive-aggressive. You forgot that part, Jan.

Jan, stop calling people pussies and cowards, it's not nice.

When I first came out of the closet, I was felling emotionally raw. A friend of a friend was very helpful, allowing me to just talk everything out.

I developed a small crush on him because he was so nice but, he had a partner so I knew it wouldn't go anywhere.

The partner, however, didn't like me at all. I assume under the partner's influence, any time I wanted to do anything to develop the friendship, he would come up with an excuse not to. Soon he ghosted me.

Whatever, life went on. I was hurt because I lost some friends when I came out and was happy I had gained one (or so I thought). It was an emotional time for me, and it was shitty of him to just ghost.

Years later, after he and his partner broke up, he called me and left a message that he was back in town. I waited a few days and then emailed a very short "Hi, welcome back to town" note and never reached out again.

I had moved on

[quote]I'm also passive-aggressive. You forgot that part, Jan.

She finally got on the right!

But that was different R86

The boyfriend was super jealous and pressured him to dump you. Probably a "if you ever talk to him again I'm leaving you!" queen-scene.

The fact that he got back in touch meant he'd thought of you often and wondered "what if"?

Much better to discreetly burn a bridge with somebody, walk off, than tell them whoa, you're a needy creep, being around you makes life suck, look elsewhere and not at me. Some people you never regret never seeing them again.

Other times, adults have other things to do than put time into socializing with you. Turns out he went to China, or whatever. It is up to you to discern which type of scenario you're in and respond appropriately.

It really depends on the relationship. If you have been ghosted, and there is no big crisis in the ghoster's life, take a look at your friendship. Was it really all that close? Had there been conflicts in the past? Were you the one who always had to initiate contact or meetings? Also some people are just shallow, or just users, and they don't really form attachments to others. If any of that is true, then they have decided you are not worth having in their life and you need to accept that it is over and move on. On the other hand, it could have nothing to do with you. Someone could have lost their job, suffered a big trauma, have fallen on hard times, and they are ashamed or embarrassed and just want to lie low. You have to accept that too, maybe reach out once or twice, and see what happens.

I agree with R90, but I would NOT reach out more than once. Either the ghoster is really going through something, in which case reaching out is great - but if not, then they are not really your friend. Some people do use others for whatever reason. Just accept it and move on because they are not worth your time.

I once accidentally ghosted someone, meaning I was just busy and caught up in my own drama so wasn't being responsive. Then he died. I never got to say goodbye. I miss my friend enormously and wish I could have a re-do. But life doesn't work that way. Make sure you always appreciate the people in your life, because they could be gone in an instant.

R28, I hope you groveled real good.

I had someone ghost me. I don't think I was closer to anyone at the time they did it. For about a four year period we spent some time together nearly everyday. Then they just went away. I thought of them often. Wondered how and where they were. It hurt a lot for a long time. Then after about six years I got a phone call from them. We had a very long talk. Laughed about the old times. Neither of us talking about the issue of why they just pulled up and left without a word. At the end of the conversation she said I'd like to get together. I'd like to come see you.

I waited all those years to her that. When I heard it I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth. It was the most honest I've been to someone in a long time. I just explained how much they hurt me when one day they just weren't there anymore. I don't know what suddenly clicked in my mind but it was just over. I said I have your number if I think I can see you again I'll give you a call. She sounded so hurt but said she understood and hoped I called someday. That was months ago. I don't see that call ever happening.

I've had it happen to me twice, at least with people who really mattered to me.

First guy was a really good friend of 15 or so years. We talked and hung out all the time, shared our woes, and joys - everything. Then *poof* he disappeared. Texts, calls, e-mails went unanswered, he no longer posted anything on social media. At first I was worried, then pissed. Fast forward 3 years and I find out thru mutual friends he had lost his job, went into a depression, had a stroke, and had to sell his apartment. He was embarrassed and ashamed about losing the job which was when he disappeared; the rest happened after. I felt so bad. So I tracked him down and brought him back into my life.

Second guy, another good friend, I just got an e-mail from him along the lines of "this email and phone won't be good after today". I replied with "send me your new details" and nothing. This is someone I helped get his then last 2 jobs, let him move in with me between apartments. Never heard a peep from him again. Heard from others about what he was up to, boyfriends, travels, where he was living and such thru the years. It sounded like he wanted to be part of the "clone crowd" - you know the types, gym bunnies who migrate from Miami, to Madrid, to Mykonos for the "parties". Whatever. Last year at a cocktail party/fundraiser before the election I ran into him. He was all "omg! how are you? you look great! I heard you moved? how do you know Bobbie (host),"? we should catch up - it's been so long!" I just looked at him, said "hello" and moved along.

My point is if someone ghosts you because mental or physical health just spins out of control, I can understand that and forgive and forget. But if someone ghosts you because they decide to run with an "in crowd" or similar, sorry not going to let that one back in.

OP what did you do? Think long and hard.

r35 you wondered how i feel about having billy as a son, i couldn't be more proud. he's so famous on datalounge and he's actually a lot like a stray dog (all bark and no bite for all you pitiful millenials who can't decipher metaphors from a time before pokemon).

as for ghosting...

Well, OP, what did you do?

It's only happened to me once. A guy I was dating flipped the fuck out when we ran into his parents at the mall where we'd just seen a movie. I never saw or heard from him again, which was extraordinarily weird because we worked together. He never came back to work.

In many cases the ghosting is better than telling the truth and then being verbally and emotionally assaulted by the person you want to be away from.

Isn't ghosting a symptom of BPD? Y'all are Borderlines!

Borderlines are too histrionic and clingy to ever ghost someone voluntarily

I don't think so, R102. I'm pretty sure I'm borderline (self-diagnosed) and I have no problem dropping people like they're hot. When you're dead to me, you're dead to me.

I believe that, R103.

Although I remain skeptical you could resist making some sort of scene about it...

I can think of one instance where I made a big scene, but I feel he deserved it (a friend--who was an escort--told me he'd pick me up at the airport and then cancelled on me WHILE I WAS IN THE AIR, leaving me stranded with no cash for a taxi once I'd landed. Evidently a paying client had become his priority that evening). That shit made me snap with rage. But in another instance I had a "friend" pull some bullshit behind my back and I did a clean break. Never answered or returned any of his calls, of which there were many. He shouldn't have been so puzzled as to why I wasn't talking to him anymore...he knew what he'd done. Dead to me.

When someone who ghosted you reemerges, they probably need more money.

It can go the other way, though. My brother had a friend for decades, a guy who didn't work because he had an income from a family business. When he was in his fifties, the family business went bankrupt, his mother died, and his dad lost his mind and spent all his remaining money on booze and hookers, so no hope of any inherited money, either. This guy suddenly had to find a way to not only make a living, but to earn/save enough for his retirement years. He borrowed a good bit from my brother to pay for his move to another state where he hoped to find work. He kept in touch for a while, and then ghosted.

That was fifteen years ago and my brother has mourned the disappearance of his friend ever since. So I tracked the guy down. He's living in a Vegas shithole, clearly broke and desperate. I gave my brother his contact information, along with a warning: if you let this guy back into your life, he will most likely cling to you like a limpet to a rock. You'll be his best and only chance to get out of that shithole. He'll look to you to save him from grinding poverty and desperation. And then, once you're overwhelmed by his need for support, how are you gonna get rid of him?

My brother decided it was best to leave him be.

r103 is probably right. Ghosting is also seeing things in that bpd "everything is only black and white" mentality.

I've no time for people like r103 though - sounds too toxic.

So you have no time for people who have no time for bullshit? Makes sense.

I had a good friend who ghosted me THIRTY years ago contact both my sisters for my contact details. But then never actually contacted me.

No, r108. BPD's are all about histrionic bullshit. I've no time for people with Borderline personality disorder.

Consider yourself lucky, R109.

Update, op?

Pretend that you’re open to it. Then, meet him for a drink or something and once you’re face to face let him have it. Tell him how bad it made you feel. Ghosting is cruel, people who do it are passive aggressive monsters.

No, R113. The best thing to do was mentioned upthread. Say you'll meet up with him and don't show up. Don't answer his text, calls or emails and GHOST HIS ASS!!!!

R113, throw the drink in his face.

I ghosted a friend twenty years ago and have regretted it ever since. We had been drifting apart somewhat for a while (living two thousand miles away), but I was scheduled to fly to his town to visit him after I finished the bar exam and before I started working at my new job. At the last minute, i realized i just didn't have enough money left after draining all my bank accounts to pay for school and borrowing so much, so i cancelled the trip. . I was so embarrassed about being so broke that i didn't call my friend for a while after that (after having let him know i wasn't coming but not explaining why), and a few weeks later I got a photo card in the mail with a notice that his beloved old dog has died the weekend I was supposed to visit.

The fact that should have been there to help him sent me into a shame spiral, and i never called him or otherwise reached out. I kept loose track of him over the last twenty years as he moved around the world, and I always thought i might get the courage to reach out to him again someday. I just looked him up again today and found out that he died last month. I'll never get the chance to apologize.

I was thinking of re-emerging to someone I ghosted about 10 years ago, but I wonder if too much time has passed for it to be worthwhile.

Agree with R102. True Borderlines need the attention and the drama. Even if they did ghost someone it would just be temporary, and then they’d swoop back into the person’s life and GOD FORBID that person didn’t try hard enough to be un-ghosted. It’s all a trap.

You really are a worthless sack, R116. If we ever meet, please walk on by.

If Ive learned nothing else in 56 years,its that you cant relive the past. Ive tried a few times to resurrect old friends,old flames and it always ended badly.They are in the past for a reason. I think most of us tend to not remember the reason for the split as harshly because time has softened the pain. a few months ago a long ago ex responded to a fb message I left on his account 3 years ago.After talking on the phone a few times all the reasons I dumped his ass became crystal clear. I just quit answering and he finally got the message.

Full disclosure...35 years ago he had a hot body and a nice dick,the fact he'd put on 200 lbs and probably couldnt even find his dick might have influenced my decision not to reoffend.

R120 interesting story and I tend to agree with you. I've often thought about trying to bring back the past with certain people, but I guess it would never work out the way I envision. It's just tough when some of the stuff from the past was so darn great!

R116, you fucked up real good!

As Romy Schneider said about old love affairs--"cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes. " Same for lapsed friendships.

A friend of mine who had a lot of personal problems ghosted me and I called him out on it, and he had a million excuses because his life was complicated. I just wished him the best and didn't try to contact him anymore.

About 6 months later he comes crawling back to me and wanting sex even though we were never intimate before. I politely declined and never spoke to him after that.

I could have really told him off but I chose not to because I really did feel bad for him. He was a mess.

I say, it's always better to be the bigger person and life is 1000 times easier when you don't take everything personally.

And don't take it poisonally, either.

R119, I'll happily do so. If you have no ability to understand that people make mistakes and regret them, I have no use for you either.

Sorry, R125. Ghosters are a class of people for whom I have no forgiveness. You're not quite as bad as people who are violent towards either people or animals, but you're miles below a mere breakup or theft of property. I have been ghosted twice. I hope each of them goes through something equally awful.

Walking open wound alert

R126 I disagree about people who ghost being worse than thieves. Sometimes people who ghost feel bad about themselves and think that you, the person being abandoned, deserve a better person. Thieves are complete shit, they almost NEVER deserve redemption.

I've been thieved and I've been ghosted, and while I'm never going to see either one ever again, at least the thief could theoretically pay me back. My ghoster can never replace what he took away, the cowardly fucking pussy.

R129 you need to move on. Carrying a bunch of anger around isn't doing you any good. I'm sure whoever ghosted you moved on.

OP Ghosted this thread!

I ghosted an entire circle of "friends" two years ago. It was for a very good reason. I can't imagine wanting to reconnect.

Not that this helps the OP but... either he was deep in depression or sick or some other reason and has come out the other side (in which case, sure, reconnect) or there's some weird ulterior motive, or he's a flake and will likely ghost you again... (in which case, no). I have no idea how you tell which one it was without talking to a mutual friend first.

For the most part anyone who ghosts someone, unless there is a really good reason, is a weak person who really isn't a friend and wouldn't be there for you when you need someone- so good ridence

If you know that person well enough - you'll also know if it's a good reason OR if it's a bullshit reason. You'll know if they are the kind of person that ghosts other people - and if they are a habitual ghosters then you're better off staying away from them anyway.

This thread has weird timing for me. I was recently ghosted by a “str8” friend who would get drunk and tell me he would suck my dick and make jokes about me fucking him while we were watching tv on his bed. My other friend found out from him that he ghosted me because I was too much to handle right now because I pushed too hard to go places and hang out together. Guess I wont be getting that cock.

My guess is he got too close to me and couldn’t handle having feelings for another guy. Weirdest shit ever.

R133 says it exactly how it is

[quote]For the most part anyone who ghosts someone, unless there is a really good reason, is a weak person who really isn't a friend and wouldn't be there for you when you need someone- so good riddance.

They're the when the going gets tough, they get going brigade.

I'm not sure which is worse, being ghosted or having someone ghost you 90% of the time but then do an occasional hit and run where they send you a five word email so you have no fucking idea what's going on. Are they just keeping you around minimally in case they need something from you in the future or are they trying to keep themselves out of the asshole category by not technically ghosting you but torturing you in their own special way? Both are a shitty ways to treat someone. My problem is that since I actually care, I worry that there's something wrong with them, even if they are unable or unwilling to share that fact, so I can't just tell them to fuck off, ya know? Jerks.

Issues alert

R137, people who ghost are the ones with issues. Giving friends the benefit of the doubt under questionable circumstances is the humane thing to do. Taking advantage of people's willingness to give you the benefit of the doubt is the issue here. Ghosters are narcissists.

Worst people ever. At least tell me what the problem is and then fuck off. Became really good friends with a couple who were in an open relationship and then they suddenly started to ghost me out of nowhere.

This shit makes me hate people even more than ever.

If it's a friend (not a bf). depends.

One of my best friends kind of "ghosted" me years before the term existed. He stopped returning my calls etc. It went on for about a year. He later showed up and told me he had been battling depression and had even been hospitalized after a suicide attempt.

We got back to being best friends. He ended up having lots of medical issues some stemming from HIV. He died a few years ago and I miss him terribly, but glad we got back as friends.

I had a best friend in my 20s who did a complete about face during the winter semester break and even tried to have me expelled from my university because I called her to try and talk out what happened. She told the dean I stalked her. This was 25 years ago and they told us to not to contact each other anymore.

Fast forward: I graduated, she left the school the next year. I have had relationships, a marriage, kids. She is very obese, in her small hometown, married to a closet case, no kids.

I think my mom was right when I brought her home for a weekend. She said, "The ugly crazy bitch is in love with you."

My first major partner (lived together) and I stayed friends afterward we broke up. He eventually met a possessive nut and said we could no longer speak as the new partner-nut couldn't handle it.

A decade later he called and told me he wanted out of that relationship and was in lust with someone from work. I listened, but the friendship was still over when I hung up the phone.

Some people are just ridiculous.

The lady who ghosted me back in the 1990s apparently went around telling people we were still friends. I wasn't so mad at the ghosting as I was running into people weeks after my dad died, and them saying "Laura said she saw you and your folks last week and you were doing great!"

Had no idea how to get hold of her to tell her to stop, so I just told these people she'd been lying. Of course, they got irritated with ME.

Just stay away from people that ghosted you, they're mostly BPD. How hard is it to just cut the cords to people that don't want to be in your company?

It is so much easier to ghost someone then have a nasty confrontation. It's kinder on both parties- honestly. Why make me tell you that I don't want to hang out with you anymore because you're obnoxious, stupid, lazy, etc. Those critiques will haunt you much longer than a disappearance will. Trust me.

I ghosted an acquaintance about 3 months ago and the pathetic thing is he keeps texting me. It's like, have some pride and self-respect. It's obvious I'm not interested in talking or hanging out anymore. Take the hint and move on.

I ghosted someone after a major addiction problem. I used them. It was a bad situation, very toxic and any communication would be an attempt by them to prove themselves as the “better person “ & littered w micro aggressions. not what I could handle in recovery. It’s been years and I feel awful about it all. I never made amends in that relationship but feel like it has been so long now, it would be selfish of me to jump back into their inbox w a message. I don’t really want to be friends. there is no friendship to salvage. I just wish I could apologize (again) without it being all about me (as it was in my addiction) It seems selfish of me to invade their life. So I do nothing and wish the best for them. and hope that time heals. I really do carry them in my heart. I have been ghosted in the past by someone I loved and although it hurt for years, I understood why. I don’t hold a grudge.

[quote] I really do carry them in my heart.

Liar.

[quote]It is so much easier to ghost someone then have a nasty confrontation. It's kinder on both parties- honestly. Why make me tell you that I don't want to hang out with you anymore because you're obnoxious, stupid, lazy, etc. Those critiques will haunt you much longer than a disappearance will. Trust me.

No, they won't. Trust me. You fucking psychopath.

It will come as no surprise that r145 typed this in the "Machiavellian" thread:

[quote]I got an 87. I feel no shame in having little empathy and doing what I need to so I can get what I want. [bold]Empathy is the greatest weakness one can have in the world.[/bold]

Yes that was me, and empathy is a weakness. I dislike all weak people and fundamentally can't understand them.

You sound tard

Is your name Wayne, R150?

R89, R123, and R143 are toxic ghosters.

Doesn't cost a thing to listen. My unsolicited and cheap advice: If they don't contact you, do nothing. If they do, reply that you wish them well and thank them for the apology/explanation. What happens from there is up to you, but at least you heard them out. It's a basic human courtesy, if nothing criminal happened in the relationship, and I think ghosting is immature. Whatever you do, OP, you have the power in this dynamic.

R150, how do you feel about the Holocaust, or slavery?

Do you think these things were acceptable?

I'm just curious.

There are a myriad of reasons why people why people 'ghost' you and none of them are important.

Many people simply burn out on relationships, people, social settings, etc..

Who cares?

Don't even attempt to understand why you would get 'ghosted,' it likely is nothing personal and they are probably just overwhelmed by life.

Pray for them and move on.

R155, of course I don't think the Holocaust or slavery were acceptable. I don't support evil in any way. I guess I just don't subscribe to feeling sorry for people either. There was a greater inequality in the past- I don't look at slaves as having been weak. Quite the opposite actually. They persevered and came out on top.

In the modern world, 2018, there's no excuse for weakness though.

R157,

When you get old and infirmed, would you like it if your caregiver had your attitude, or would you prefer they had empathy?

Just curious.

R157,

so, would you say that drug addicts are weak?

WTF does it being 2018 have to do with anything connected to being weak?

Yes drug addicts are weak. I don't care about the opiod "problem" (it's mostly killing deplorables anyway) and if people are stupid enough to get hooked on heroin or meth or coke or whatever then that's their fault and Darwinism should be allowed to weed them out of society.

I'll be able to afford good care when I'm old. They don't have to feel empathy for me- just get paid well and do their jobs accordingly.

I ghosted someone who was toxic. Sorry, I'm not the one at fault here and I'm not the psychopath in this story.

Thankfully they took the hint and haven't tried to contact me since.

I'd wager the idiotic, non-empathetic ghoster above is also a libertarian. I hope his well-paid caretakers abuse the shit out of his helpless ass while they are stealing all his money and the last thought he has is how he wishes someone would show him some empathy. There, am I doing well at not showing empathy? I mean, really, what's wrong with you, R161. You are a perfect example of what's wrong with the world right now.

Isn't a lack of empathy a sign of being a psychopath?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Even if the person is not full blown NPD, they have NPD traits.

Ghosting is cowardly and mean. The ghoster should tell the ghostee why and then be gone.

To leave someone with no explanation is beyond cruel,

This happened to me. I took the person back. He did it again, I threw out all his food, packed up clothes and threw them in garage.

This nut job had hundreds of unopened DVDs which he left me. Selling them back to a store for pennies // what kind of an idiot Buys all these DVDs anyways?

I'm very 😭 hurt, but NEVER AGAIN. Deleted his number from my phone and whited him out in an old phone book.

For all of you saying that it's kinder to not tell the ghostee why you're leaving, you're just wrong. All that happens is that the person being ghosted endlessly goes through all the horrible things they must have done to help cause the situation. So, whatever you would have said is shorter and kinder than letting the person endlessly torture themselves with possibilities.

For instance, if you didn't want to be my friend anymore because I was unreliable or needy, etc., and you said as much I have two options. I can either believe you and realize that there's something I need to work on or I can disbelieve you and realize that you're full of shit and I probably don't want you in my life anyway. One way or the other, it's done and both parties can move on. The cowardice shown by ghosting is indicative of a personality disorder.

[quote]For all of you saying that it's kinder to not tell the ghostee why you're leaving, you're just wrong. All that happens is that the person being ghosted endlessly goes through all the horrible things they must have done to help cause the situation. So, whatever you would have said is shorter and kinder than letting the person endlessly torture themselves with possibilities.

People who ghost don't care about any of that.

Ghosting is definitely not nice.

Having said that, someone who is ruined by a ghosting is probably a rickety ship to start ...

So, those who say they ghosted someone because the friend was toxic and, therefore, deserved to be ghosted, what did they do? Is there a ghosting sign?

Obviously, if you fuck my man, steal from me, etc. no explanation necessary, but what else?

^^ I meant ghosting line, not sign.

[quote]someone who is ruined by a ghosting

"Ruined" is strong. I was, however, profoundly depressed the time I got ghosted. I didn't get over it for about six months. Now, I couldn't care less, but then, oh, it was a miserable experience. Not "ruined."

If the person being ghosted had clearly done something, they'd know it, though. No one is going around wondering why their friend isn't talking to them anymore it they slept with their boyfriend. Ghosting implies nothing knowable happened and the person was just inexplicably gone.

Like I said, people who ghost have a personality disorder.

Love this, actually:

R13 is right, but I wouldn't stay away. Go with the rapprochement, and then figure out how to destroy him. Gather whatever info etc. you need, and then execute. Don't fall for a temporary warming of your relationship. Ghost him, and then destroy him.

R26 is awful.

R42:

[quote] ... arrange a time to meet up and never show up and not respond to any of his messages asking where you are, etc. Yes, petty but hey, maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine.

YES

Whenever I read the replies to threads like this, I understand why DLers are such a a sad and lonely lot.

The self-destructive behavior, the assumptions that everyone and anyone is out to get you, the assumptions that everything is an intentional slight.

The saddest one recently was a DLEG who said he preemptively ghosted friends as soon as they got into relationships so that he would save himself the pain having them drift away.

I'm glad I'm growing up in an era where gay men don't carry so much terrible emotional baggage.

Ghosting is a feminine passive aggressive thing - as said above, either queeny gay guys or women.

Straight men don't do it. I've never seen it happen. Ever.

Cowards, all ghosters.

No excuse, ever; either be a person of character and confront or enjoy your karma (and she's a real bitch).

Ops original post doesn’t make sense. If there are mutual friends who have indicated that he wants to reconnect, it stands to reason that one of them would ask what the reason for the separation was about, and be able to share that with op. Sounds implausible that no one would ask anyone what was going on...I mean, these are gay guys, right?

[quote] If you didn't want to be my friend anymore because I was unreliable or needy, etc., and you said as much I have two options. I can either believe you and realize that there's something I need to work on or I can disbelieve you and realize that you're full of shit and I probably don't want you in my life anyway. One way or the other, it's done and both parties can move on.

I find this can hurt as much as a ghosting.

A man I was friendly with and interested in gave me the treatment described above a few years ago. He is an affectionate, extroverted & boisterous man who’ll hug a stranger if he thinks it welcome & warranted, but he’s also got a foot permanently in his mouth and lacks all tact.

He brushed me off quite casually, treating my feelings as a joke. I remember it coming out of nowhere and completely killing my vibe. We were hanging out at a large gathering of our combined families & friends, indoors as it was getting dark....

Having not seen each other for a long time we were quite giddy & playful, laughing and flirting as we lounged with a few others. Reading the situation and wanting to show him a little platonic affection, I thought to dive in for a silly snuggling hug on the couch we were both sitting on. I made eye contact (he reciprocated), smiled (reciprocated), then I looped my arms gently around his torso and put my head lightly on his chest as if to hug for a few seconds.

Mistake. He chuckled nervously, looked down at me in bemusement for a second, then pushed me off and stalked across the room, redfaced. As he was striding away to the kitchen he gave a barking laugh and said, “so NEEDY!” very loudly to the other occupants of the room. They laughed along. I was crestfallen and felt like a pathetic lovestruck loser, collapsed across the couch by myself having been so cruelly rejected.

That was years ago and ever since I’ve been checking myself for ‘needy’ behaviour to the point it’s killed a lot of my relationship chances dead in the water. I’ve become more self-conscious & withdrawn. I’ve also totally cooled on him, and there’s ice in the air whenever we meet so I avoid most functions he’s likely to be it which has further curtailed my social life (our families were very close from when we were young).

I suppose I believe this man’s words enough to change my behaviour, but I’m not confident enough in his intentions to know how to take it. It was such a nasty, awkward, rude & public way to brush me off that it threw me completely and has caused confusion ever since. I would have preferred him to quietly slip away unannounced or to gently make his excuses not to be around me, whether in-person or via text. I like to think I’m at least intelligent enough to take hints.

I’m not sure the quote at R180 was suggesting the info be delivered in a mocking tone in front of an audience...

It’s obvious OP: the guy who ghosted you nursed a secret passion for you throughout your friendship and needed to make a break to stop his tender heart from breaking when he saw you with any of your gentlemen callers.

He now thinks he is immune to your charms, unable to accept that his passion for you is incurable. Don’t get in touch. Its the only way you can prevent his tender soul from being crushed.

Not true, R178. I had a straight man ghost me. In fact, he ghosted me every time he got a girlfriend. Every time they split up, I was his best friend again. He got married (I found out a YEAR after the fact) and I haven't seen or heard from him since.

He sounds closeted and couldn’t handle having an openly gay friend, r183.

I was thinking closet homophobe but yeah R184, there was something about having a gay friend that he couldn't handle his girlfriends knowing, as if having a gay friend made him gay too.

Why R183 allowed himself to be such a doormat is curious as well-- may be more that story

Straight men don't ghost?

Straight men ghost all the time and have for years. Think of all those men who've just up and left their families never to be heard from again!

R184/R185, I believe it was more that he tended to date high-strung, stuck-up, religious catholic girls/women. And THEY couldn't deal with him having a gay friend. Saw me as a threat. Or something. At least that's the dynamic I sensed. He did tend to let his girlfriends walk all over him.

R187, he's a dick. Stop blaming the women.

Kick him in the patootie and slap him on the frabistat.

I really resent being ghosted by a friend. It takes awhile to realise they have cut off contact with you, and by then you have made a fool of yourself emailing or texting them up to half a dozen times. They may have legitimate reasons for cutting you out of their life and they do not even need any, but that doesn't give them the right to treat you with so little respect. For that reason, my answer would be no unless there were really compelling reasons why they did it.

[quote]R66 they all knew how much I loved him and shouldnt that have been taken into consideration?

It probably was, and they might not bear any malice. But they also realized they meant nothing to you

[quote]R167 So, whatever you would have said is shorter and kinder than letting the person endlessly torture themselves with possibilities.

I didn't feel like telling the person I ghosted that I eventually found them boring. How does one say that nicely?

I gave a friend a lot of help, but I think she just got sick of me. After ginning up a silly argument, she totally dumped me and cut me out of her life. OP is right to point out the embarrassment as well as the pain. It is shaming. She has made noises about reconnecting but I am wary of her now.

I hope the people who make excuses for ghosters receive this treatment and see how they like it.

I am about ready to ghost someone and I don't really believe in ghosting. She is a frau I met at work who has moved on to another company, so it is just a "friendship" of weird phone calls initiated by her and I run into her about once a month at work events in our field.

She reminds me of the character in Single White Female who is obsessed with Bridget Fonda. If I don't respond to her calls, she will show up at my home--or at the park where I run. She is definitely personality disordered.

We worked on projects together a few times and she got a promotion over me last fall. I was nice about it, but she only lasted 2 months in the position and then left saying she hated upper management. They didn't rehire for her position--I think they are shell-shocked from her.

She also stalked my social media and would just show up when I was out or start frequenting places I'd been and try to use it as a conversation starter or try and invite herself along. I am totally off social media now.

How do you politely ditch this nut? I don't think everyone realizes how kooky she is. I have tried to blow her off, but she doesn't get it. She is married with 2 small kids, so I don't think it's a crush.

I can totally see her saying what a ghosting asshole I am and it hurting me with certain colleagues. She's dumpy and I will seem like a meanie. Any ideas?

I'm 44, she's 32. Some people need to be ghosted.

Well, I think you should be careful with unbalanced people. It could accerbate things. You need advice from a professional : (

Good luck!

What type of professional?

This one goes out to all of you, the poor unfortunate ghosted..

Sometimes they don't even stop contacting you, r190. That's what pissed me off about a friend who ghosted me; I could tell she was wanting to distance herself and she had just moved about 200 miles away, and I wasn't actually that irritated by the fading friendship. But she went out of her way to keep emailing me and trying to set up times to visit, then would flake out, then do it all over again. She kept it up for weeks, even after I stopped responding to her, until I finally asked her what was going on. That's when she finally ghosted me.

To this day I don't know if she was deliberately being a cunt or was just an idiot.

[quote] They didn't rehire for her position--I think they are shell-shocked from her.

LOL

People show you who they are - believe them.

Avoiding someone you are not close with is one thing. Dumping a friend is another.

R198, I had someone do that to me too. They moved away, and we stayed in touch for a while, visiting each other... they were a 2.5 hour drive away). But at some point he fell off the planet. I don't think he so much ghosted me as just got overwhelmed with other things (i.e. I doubt it was personal). But he popped back up years later, and for many months kept trying to set up meetings and flaked on all of them, including being invited over to my place for dinner (with some friends), and calling several times that day to get directions, and then just cancelling and not showing up. After that particular flake (the last in a long line covering several months) I never heard from him again. No idea what's going on with him now.

I've ghosted two long standing friends the last decade. Always a one for 2nd chances, me. Empathetic. These 2 people acted very selfishly when they wronged me. Not supportive yet I was their rock and the best friend one could ever dream of having for many years. I realized they were all about themselves and would spend a reunification slipping in defenses and excuses when they were caught out being total shit heads. Every conversation would contain a little excuse to hide what narcissists they were over the event that ended the friendships originally. The excuses or gaslighting would be an undercurrent until the end of time. The excuses and rewriting of the actual events made me feel embarrassed for them. The one upsmanship. Silly competitions. They've tried to get back in for years. Probably a little shocked this softy hasn't crumbled. I need genuine friends not a competitor. When I'm done, I'm done! It takes a lot of hits for me to arrive at that point. We all know the truth. I have these things called eyes.

I owe you nothing. I owe my soul respect.

Ghosted

[quote]I didn't feel like telling the person I ghosted that I eventually found them boring. How does one say that nicely?

Couldn't you say something along the lines of 'I feel like our interests have really diverged. I'm looking for some new things in my life' and need to figure this out alone'? Just put it on yourself. You and the person you now find boring will most likely know that it's kind of a bullshit excuse but at least they can just flat out blame you in their head or think you're selfish or an asshole and stop wondering what happened. It's that 'wondering what happened' part that is so galling in ghosting situations.

To the person above who is dealing with a crazy stalker, that's a totally different situation. You need to flat out tell them that you do not want contact with them anymore. You ghosting them is just making it worse.

R203, I've learned to be very wary of people like you who declare themselves 'the best friend anyone could ever have' because usually they are narcissistic assholes. That post sounds like Trump could have written it. You may want to look within.

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of people are just terrible human beings. Those of us who've been willing to give them any benefit of the doubt and hold out hope that they are just busy or stressed or dealing with something in their lives when they treat us like crap are suckers. Unfortunately, I've never been able to figure out a way to find that 5% who are anything but selfish, narcissistic assholes because that 95% has spend their lives figuring out how to come off as gracious and caring until you get to really know them. We're better off without people in our lives.

I'm sure in both cases they are completely to blame and you are completely blameless, r203.

Follow-up on my "stalker" activity:

She called me while I was driving and a stuck at a light. I looked over and she was next to me in her minivan. It was a weekday and I was off for a funeral. She asked where I was headed through the car windows. I didn't answer. Bot sure why she wasn't at work and was in that area. Scared to find out.

Months ago, I told the stalker I didn't care for a certain colleague. She has since ghosted this other woman and they were close friends. The ghosted one keeps asking why I think she was ghosted. I excuse myself from these conversations politely. Do I need to get a new job? It's a creative field, I have no other issues and the pay is decent.