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I Want To Be Underwhelmed, pt. 307,904

Please, share the excruciating minutiae of your lives.

I'll start: I'm pretty sure my toilet seat is haunted. The things that hold the lid to the seat keep popping up on their own.

by Anonymousreply 36412 hours ago

I took a nap and dreamed my mother had 42 cats. I yelled at her about it and vomited up my heart and one of her cats ate it. Earlier today I mowed my yard before it started raining.

by Anonymousreply 109/16/2017

Today I had to buy my boss his lunch, stupid guy invited me to lunch and his credit card got denied...

so underwhelmed...

by Anonymousreply 209/16/2017

I'm eating yogurt with a fork because I'm too lazy to do the dishes so I'd have a clean spoon.

by Anonymousreply 309/18/2017

I worry I'm so in credit-card debt I'll lose my house.

by Anonymousreply 409/18/2017

I am doing laundry.

by Anonymousreply 509/18/2017

I have a stomach ache

by Anonymousreply 609/18/2017

Watching football and nursing a burgeoning sinus infection

by Anonymousreply 709/18/2017

I rearranged the furniture and art in my "loft" garage and now everything looks great, but I don't have a place to eat meals. My dining set is now a hall table and I had to put my bowflex in the kitchen area so I'd use it.

My bathroom setup was awesome - if you were willing to poop sitting sideways.

by Anonymousreply 809/18/2017

r8, is your toilet a fire hydrant?

by Anonymousreply 909/18/2017

Unfortunately, no, R9.

by Anonymousreply 1009/18/2017

I clipped my toenails last night.

by Anonymousreply 1109/18/2017

I miss my DL Strapping Guy beau hunk. Where he at?

Too much fastfood has my bony ass ballooning like an orange fuhrer fucktard.

by Anonymousreply 1209/18/2017

I just felt something crawling on my shoulder and brushed it off freaked out before I realized it was a Lady Bug. Did I ruin the good luck?

by Anonymousreply 1309/22/2017

I met at least 3 different "total top" on a gay dating site" I exchanged pics with these 3 guys . and all 3 of them were very eager to hook up with me tonight.But as soon as I told them that I am a versatile bottom , they disappeared within a sec without a trace . Why the hell a total top" would pissed off by a versatile bottom ?

Now I have changed my profile and have explicitly mentioned "versatile bottom" in sexual position so that some fake total tops will not waste my time .

by Anonymousreply 1409/22/2017

I'm eating a 7/8 ounce size bag of Cheetos for lunch.

by Anonymousreply 1509/22/2017

[quote]pt. 307,904

I find that whelming OP.

by Anonymousreply 1609/22/2017

There's a little plastic sprocket on my office printer that keeps breaking because this is a government operation and we always order cheap shit. So I'm debating cutting out our tedious Supply Department process and making a quick spec drawing and have the machine shop make me a bunch of new ones out of aluminum or better plastic, or buying one myself from Office Depot.

If the frau in Logistics makes me write a work order for the sprockets and I end up having to buy a printer out of my own pocket, so help me I'm taking it with me when I retire next year.

by Anonymousreply 1709/22/2017

Couldn't you just shoot up the place r17?

by Anonymousreply 1809/22/2017

I just took a 3ft dump and the log was very gray. Am I dying?

by Anonymousreply 1909/22/2017

I continued to ignore the Jeremy Renner threads; I was mildly interested, but could not have kept up with how quickly they progressed. Today I decided to read one. Holy shit, could not understand what was happening. Talk of older threads being shut down because of his personal info being shared, talk o father him being gay, talk of him being involved with a (female?) fan/stalker, etc. The posters were using words and language that seemed to belong to them and them alone.

If there's anyone out there in the know who can explain what's going on with Renner, please do. (Or perhaps my interpretation of it above is somewhat accurate...)

by Anonymousreply 2009/23/2017

I've just been woken up by my neighbour mowing the lawn. I'll get out of bed in a minute, and have leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm a bit ashamed about that. Later, I'm going to go to the farmer's market to buy some leeks.

by Anonymousreply 2109/23/2017

This is a military base, R17. Guns are forbidden. Well, except at the base Post Office.

by Anonymousreply 2209/23/2017

I am grading the third set of four sets of papers. Meanwhile, I just picked up three sets of new papers yesterday.

There is a math question somewhere in there.

by Anonymousreply 2309/23/2017

I bought a couple of resin Adirondack chairs on sale at a hardware store. They're the most comfortable chairs I've ever owned.

by Anonymousreply 2409/23/2017

r20, re-read the directions.

by Anonymousreply 2509/23/2017

Both my wisdom teeth on my lower jaw are starting to emerge from below the gumline. I'm 38 years old. My jaw hurts, the inside of my cheeks are sore like I just blew up a balloon and my ears feel funny. It feels like my lower jaw is being subtly stretched and it has a dull ache. I looked in the mirror and opened my mouth and looked with a flashlight and holy shit i'm slowly getting two new back molars.

The wisdom tooth on my left upper side grew in perfectly straight when I was 33 years old. Now i'm getting two more teeth at 38 years old. I feel like a cranky teething baby.

by Anonymousreply 2609/23/2017

R21 I bought leeks at the farmers market today.

by Anonymousreply 2709/23/2017

I hate this psycho cunt at my work - she's an absolute unstable butch. Nasty too. The shit I've had to put up with from her .... I haven't retaliated but want to so badly

by Anonymousreply 2809/23/2017

When my boyfriend and I were shaving each other in the shower this morning, I told him I hated his chicken salad and wanted something else for lunch instead. He got made at me. I ate an orange instead.

by Anonymousreply 2909/23/2017

The highlight of my day was learning that my cheap blender had no problem with an apple for a smoothie I was making.

by Anonymousreply 3009/23/2017

My cat is pregnant again.

The fat, greedy whore!

by Anonymousreply 3109/23/2017

R26 Take them out, toots. If they're already impacted they can be easy to yank. Plus you'll have rainy day pain pills that will last for a year or more!

by Anonymousreply 3209/23/2017

I had a dream that I impregnated Kathy Bates. I was horrified about going broke to pay child support.

Yes, I'm a gay male.

by Anonymousreply 3309/23/2017

Panera tomato soup is pretty good, if you add a lot of salt.

I found this out today.

by Anonymousreply 3409/23/2017

I have a bad mailman who only reads the house number but not the name of the streets so he regularly delivers mail to the wrong house. Today the woman at the wrong house revealed herself as she personally showed up with my mis delivered mailed. She thought it would be important as it appeared to be a paycheck. I didn't have the heart to tell her about this thing called direct deposit.

by Anonymousreply 3509/23/2017

I'm getting ready for bed; mass is tomorrow at 8:00am. I'll watch some gay porn to relax.

by Anonymousreply 3609/23/2017

You'd fit right in, R36.

by Anonymousreply 3709/24/2017

I farted in an elevator today.

by Anonymousreply 3809/24/2017

I had to buy a new phone today. I spent the afternoon fiddling with the settings.

by Anonymousreply 3909/24/2017

I didn't fold the laundry today.

by Anonymousreply 4009/24/2017

I got up at noon and made coffee. Then I took a nap. The cat napped next to me. That was the whole day until dinner.

by Anonymousreply 4109/24/2017

I stood on my phone yesterday, and it's probably beyond repair. I'm really pissed off about it. I need to get a new one today.

by Anonymousreply 4209/25/2017

The sun is down. Earlier it was up.

by Anonymousreply 4309/25/2017

Cheese.

by Anonymousreply 4409/25/2017

One of my dogs is chewing her foot vigorously with her ass pressed against my arm.

by Anonymousreply 4509/25/2017

I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

by Anonymousreply 4609/25/2017

A fly came in through the window.

by Anonymousreply 4709/25/2017

My new, very expensive (for me) engineered underwear systems are line drying. It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

It's phase I of new stuff: "I'll treat it with care and follow the wash instructions". By next year, I'll be throwing them in the dryer with socks and washcloths.

by Anonymousreply 4809/26/2017

[quote]It shouldn't take two days to dry, but it does.

Dear god, how wet are you?

by Anonymousreply 4909/26/2017

It's the season of the witch..Halloween. Can't wait for the horror flicks to start playing non-stop.

Also waiting for my first glass of eggnog. Is it too soon?

Mmm. Tangerines. Let Octoberfest begin.

by Anonymousreply 5009/26/2017

wtf is an engineered underwear system?

by Anonymousreply 5109/26/2017

I'm on the subway late for work, feeling dead inside thinking about the dysfunctional shitshow that awaits. Perhaps this should be posted elsewhere if it is too "whelming"...

by Anonymousreply 5209/26/2017

I feel your pain r52

Just think it will only be a few hours and you'll join us on Datalounge

by Anonymousreply 5309/26/2017

I'm taking my GMC pickup to be smogged today so I can renew the registration.

And who says I don't have a life?

by Anonymousreply 5409/26/2017

I have to pee.

by Anonymousreply 5509/26/2017

I successfully walked to work today using an immobilizer brace and a crutch, result of ACL reconstruction surgery.

by Anonymousreply 5609/26/2017

Yesterday was horrific, so this morning I treated myself to a bowel of Edy's Texas Pecan Pie ice cream

by Anonymousreply 5709/26/2017

A whole bowel, R57? Wasn't it cold going in?

by Anonymousreply 5809/26/2017

I'm sitting here reading DL and drinking a Powerade when I should be outside doing yard-work.

by Anonymousreply 5909/26/2017

R57 Woops, bowl!

by Anonymousreply 6009/26/2017

Marry me, R58!

by Anonymousreply 6109/26/2017

I still miss Mary Tyler Moore and cannot believe she's dead.

by Anonymousreply 6209/26/2017

[quote] I accidentally walked in on my roommate giving his BF an enema, then wound up helping him with it.

talk about a shitstorm

by Anonymousreply 6309/26/2017

It could have been. The BF was medically in need of the procedure and roommate was going about it all wrong. He had hung the bag as high as it would go and the BF was in agony with cramping. I unknowingly walked in on this little drama. Having had training as a Navy Hospital Corpsman, I told roommate to get out of the way and I did the procedure myself. Twice. Really great way to meet your roomie's new BF.

by Anonymousreply 6409/26/2017

[quote]wtf is an engineered underwear system?

It's underwear, but they throw so much babble into the description that it becomes an engineered underwear system.

They're trunks with anti-microbiology or something technology and mesh,cotton and lycra and they probably lift your ass while creating a nice free-swing basket for your junk. Plus, they accommodate your thighs while avoiding that whole jock strap waistband that is so annoying. Plus, they don't have a maker name plastered all over them.

You have to hand-wash/drip dry or they lose their magic properties.

by Anonymousreply 6509/26/2017

They accommodate your thighs? But not like a jockstrap?

What does that mean?

by Anonymousreply 6609/26/2017

2 more weeks until I pay off my mortgage.

by Anonymousreply 6709/26/2017

The other day, I rearranged some furniture. Today I moved everything back.

(I don't understand the Jeremy Renner threads, either, R20. I gave it a go one day and tried googling to understand who, what, and why anyone gives a shit. Nothing. I block them and the Tommy and Gio threads and others that are multi-part inside-joke threads by obsessed stans and haters that begin with something like "part 8--continue bitching" or "part 10--you know what to do.")

by Anonymousreply 6809/26/2017

My cat meowed.

by Anonymousreply 6909/26/2017

Off today! Suffering from "While I'm at it, might as well…"

I've sanded down my very dead dad's expandable scaffolding plank and I'm going to use it as a wall shelf. I have to drill into a cinder block wall to bolt in the ledge it will rest on. While I'm at it, I should drill in two (three? Four?) holes for picture frame hooks. I have some old Indian portraits that could go up there, but they are too small and too matchy. Plus, I'm trying to stick with oil paintings this season.

R66, I'm not going to advertise underwear brands, but newer trunks feature stretchier leg openings of flatter material instead of the thicker tape.

by Anonymousreply 7009/27/2017

I dreamt that they people that bought my old place had moved it right into the main street.

And they had turned into Trent and Jane Lane.

I'm waiting for a phone number port from my old telco-it's taking forever. And all the support is off-shored.

by Anonymousreply 7109/27/2017

I'm back. I have a new survival policy: I only post anon or with joke names; I don't block people (just scroll by, and don't engage the loons) but I do block annoying threads. So far, so good.

I ate fries for lunch.

by Anonymousreply 7209/27/2017

R68, I followed the Renner threads, and I still mostly don't know what they're talking about (a fangirl won a contest of some sort?). I also might or might not have seen a certain video that might or might not have existed on another unnamed site for a very short time before it, and its entire thread, was deleted.

by Anonymousreply 7309/27/2017

I saw that too, R73. The contest is an app thing. They're pissed because they had to tell a sob story to win but the winner was the one who spent the most money buying app credits, who also happens to be the main bully on the app blah blah. It'll suck you in, and before you know it your whole life is about coming on DL to find the threads they haven't deleted. I haven't been out of the house in three days.

by Anonymousreply 7409/27/2017

The top of my right foot, about 4 inches below my big toe, feels like it is being burned with acid or something. It's horrible. I wonder if it has anything to do with Cipro I was given for a UTI.

by Anonymousreply 7509/28/2017

I used to like the threads on DL that would pop up every so often where you could get a synopsis of some long-running threads. In addition to not being able to keep up with the Renner threads, I haven't kept up with the Aaron Rodgers stuff, or the dead/missing wife of the hot pastor.

by Anonymousreply 7609/28/2017

Damn, I ff'd myself again. I don't know how I do it. Sometimes when I decide to block a thread I accidentally ff the poster. But I don't know how I ff myself.

by Anonymousreply 7709/28/2017

I just found out my SNAP benefits have been reduced to $102 from $139. I'm on SSI and receive $735 a month. Apparently the government thinks I'm rich, though I suspect it's really just a plot to kill off the poor.

by Anonymousreply 7809/28/2017

Excuse me, we need tax cuts, R78. Stop being selfish

by Anonymousreply 7909/28/2017

Bravo Zulu, R64.

I hope I never have to do that.

by Anonymousreply 8010/02/2017

Thank you, R80. When I saw what was going on, I couldn't let the poor guy suffer. It was no big deal to me, but when you're on the business end of something like and you're not feeling well in the first place, it helps if you have someone help you who knows what he's doing. The weird thing is, he still can't seem to look me in the eye. To me, the procedure was as rote as changing a tire or something.

by Anonymousreply 8110/02/2017

Any discussion of suffering does not belong in an underwhelming thread.

by Anonymousreply 8210/03/2017

Why does Richard Harris sing about " a stripe-ed pair of pants" in "MacArthur Park"? As if the song wasn't already weird enough. I've never heard "striped" pronounced that way anywhere else. And why does he add an "S" ("MacArthur's Park") when that's not the title?

by Anonymousreply 8310/18/2017

That's what you got from MacArthur Park? Not the fact that Harris calls it "MacArthur's Park" through the whole song? Or the rivers flowing through the sky? Or his magnificently ridiculous sideburns?

by Anonymousreply 8410/18/2017

Here's Jimmy Webb et al performing MacArthur Park on Letterman

by Anonymousreply 8510/18/2017

I’m starting to tuck those little cotton pads against my anus before I put on my underwear. Is this how a prolapsed anus starts or is a little bit of moisture down there normal?

by Anonymousreply 8610/18/2017

No idea, R86.

by Anonymousreply 8710/18/2017

My orchid is blooming. I think I will get maybe 13 blooms this year.

by Anonymousreply 8810/18/2017

[quote]My orchid is blooming.

There's a Blanche Devereux euphamism if I've ever heard one.

by Anonymousreply 8910/18/2017

Back in the day there was no way of finding out the lyrics of a song on 45rpm, so there were lots of misheard words

In MacArthur Park, I thought some lines were "Spring was never waiting for us girls, it ran one step ahead as we frolicked in the grass" and "old men slaying chickens by the trees."

by Anonymousreply 9010/18/2017

Today Jeff Sessions acted as if he is the victim of dementia...hard times, working for a "fucking moron."

by Anonymousreply 9110/18/2017

I bought new laces for all my shoes. When I get home tonight, I'm going to change them all out and polish the shoes.

by Anonymousreply 9210/18/2017

The best thing that happened all day is that when I woke up I remembered this wasn't a shave day ( I shave 3 times a week or as needed and hate shaving).

by Anonymousreply 9310/18/2017

While I was in line to get the new license plate sticker for my pickup, the guy standing in front of me had the nicest, roundest ass I think I've ever seen. I wanted to just reach out and grab it, but of course I didn't, because they don't like you doing that kind of shit at the DMV.

by Anonymousreply 9410/18/2017

Did someone say Jeremy Renner?!

by Anonymousreply 9510/18/2017

I went back on keto and I've been in bed all day with a terrible migraine-level headache.

by Anonymousreply 9610/18/2017

I put a cat collar with a bell on my kitty.

by Anonymousreply 9710/19/2017

Not exactly underwhelming, but I didn't know where else to put it: Great Britain's entry for Father of the Year 2017

by Anonymousreply 9810/19/2017

Put up orange Halloween lights on my porch (big Halloween neighborhood here). When it got dark I went out and turned them on. Noticed something lit up orange on a low branch of my pear tree, which is about 7 ft from my house. Thought it was some kind of optical illusion,so I walked to tree and there was a tiny owl looking down at me. It let me try to take photos, but it was too dark for me to properly focus on the correct branch.

I wonder how many times that little owl has been there and I hadn't noticed?

I feed birds on the ground (especially rogue guinea fowl and a. neighbor's bossy free range chicken). Probably mice come out at night to eat the leftovers and that's what the little feller was waiting for. Probably an eastern screech owl.

by Anonymousreply 9910/19/2017

R99 — I LOVE little owls! You're very lucky to have seen one.

by Anonymousreply 10010/19/2017

The hot DILF in the neighborhood who did all of his yard work shirtless just moved out. A doughy middle-aged couple appears to be moving in. Damn.

by Anonymousreply 10110/20/2017

I saw a bit of the 90s Casper film (which, in retrospect, was pretty dark for a kids' film) on TV today and I found myself craving Ribena, which I haven't drunk since I was a kid. Then I remembered that, when the film was released, Ribena ran a competition to win Casper merchandise, so he was pictured on the cartons. It just goes to show the power of advertising that I still made the associated all these years later.

by Anonymousreply 10210/26/2017

There’s a gnat or fruit fly or something in my office, I feel it ever so lightly light into my hair, or the back or my hand, or my ear, but the little fucker flies away before I can get it. I look like I’m shooing the thin air like a schizophrenic.

by Anonymousreply 10310/26/2017

I love me some Casper. But I never saw the movie. I just watched the cartoon as a kid so hearing the theme makes me feel like I'm 10 again.

by Anonymousreply 10410/27/2017

This tweet confirms what I had suspected for a long time: the creator of Mrs Betty Bowers is a DataLounger.

[quote] Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO: "Now, Officer, if you look in the basement, I'm going to be REALLY cross!"

by Anonymousreply 10511/04/2017

I went surfing today. I'm not usually one to go surfing when it isn't toasty warm, even though I have a great cold weather wet suit, but the waves were pretty good and the air temp was pretty warm.

by Anonymousreply 10611/04/2017

It's the other way around, R105. Betty started the "Mrs Patsy Ramsey of Boulder Colorado" jokes and Datalounge picked them up from her.

by Anonymousreply 10711/04/2017

I have heartburn, but I can’t stop eating this chili.

by Anonymousreply 10811/04/2017

Pop a Pepcid

by Anonymousreply 10911/04/2017

I have heartburn today, too. I took a Prilosec and a Pepcid and it seems better.

by Anonymousreply 11011/04/2017

Today I bought a pound of See's assorted dark chocolates and hid them in the tool drawer in the garage so my partner won't find them. If he did, he'd eat them all. I'll sneak one or two a day when he's not looking. Actually, See's Candy tastes way better when you have to sneak it.

by Anonymousreply 11111/04/2017

I've just finished watching the last 15 minutes of "SITC2."

by Anonymousreply 11211/04/2017

I'm going to New Zealand soon but can't seem to get motivated to pack today. I mean, I just read this whole thread.

by Anonymousreply 11311/04/2017

Also, R71, when the infamous 'I just had sex with Jani Lane' thread started here, I didn't know who he was and thought someone was being stupid about Jane Lane ... so I didn't read it till after Jani Lane had died.

by Anonymousreply 11411/04/2017

I just spent 350 dollars on the Clarisonic Smart Profile Uplift System

It better do its job and uplift my profile

by Anonymousreply 11511/04/2017

I defrosted some leftover chili from Halloween tonight. It was good. I put Texas Pete, shredded cheddar, and sour cream on it. I also added some Fritos scoops. We only buy those at Holidays.

by Anonymousreply 11611/04/2017

I couldn’t see Thor 3 last night because I was 17 minutes late.. The theater’s cutoff is 10 minutes. God forbid you should miss the previews.

by Anonymousreply 11711/04/2017

Enrenmann's singly wrapped crumb cakes taste so much better than the big crumb cake

by Anonymousreply 11811/05/2017

Ah, R107, that possibility never occurred to me.

by Anonymousreply 11911/05/2017

I'm going to pour myself a nice hot mug of coffee and go cradle the fuck out of it.

by Anonymousreply 12011/05/2017

For a minute there, I forgot The Alamo.

by Anonymousreply 12111/05/2017

By boyfriend cut a board wrong so now I have to buy another piece of wood.

by Anonymousreply 12211/05/2017

They're shooting deer in the field across the street. I've had a really pretty deer in my yard recently eating berries. I hope she gets away. I don't like deer eating my flowers but I don't want them to get the death penalty for it.

by Anonymousreply 12311/05/2017

I have a bunch of towels that need to be folded. I really don't want to do it.

by Anonymousreply 12411/05/2017

Humidifiers blast cold, watery air. I wish they weren't necessary.

I am astonished, however, at how I instantly feel better as soon as I turn them on.

I have to go to Walmart and stare at filters hoping I pick the right size.

by Anonymousreply 12511/05/2017

R118 And Slater's pins have no points—don't you always find that?” said Miss Craye, turning.

by Anonymousreply 12611/05/2017

We were going to do yard work this weekend but had a really early snow so we just lazed around reading all weekend. Tonight I made pork chops and polenta with the chanterelle mushrooms our neighbor brought us and the cat presented us with his latest kill: a huge fat mouse who I think is the one I see in the kitchen sometimes at night. He's been getting into the cat food so I think this one was personal for "Mr Whiskers."

by Anonymousreply 12711/05/2017

I ate too much.

by Anonymousreply 12811/05/2017

When I make 7-layer dip I use canned chili instead of beans. It's much better.

by Anonymousreply 12911/06/2017

I eat too much too. It's obviously sublimation for the fact that I haven't a man in my bed for over a year!!

by Anonymousreply 13011/06/2017

This priest is totally gay!

by Anonymousreply 13111/06/2017

I just googled a couple of long-ago exes and found out they are both still alive. With both of these guys, it's not a given, for different reasons.

by Anonymousreply 13211/08/2017

The Hulu app on my tv always malfunctions right after finishing an episode. It gives me an "error connecting" message when I know darn well the tv has no connectivity issues, it's just the app being glitchy. So annoying,

by Anonymousreply 13311/08/2017

I just had some pumpkin cheesecake

Ehh I wasn't impressed

by Anonymousreply 13411/08/2017

The brownies from Dominos are pretty good.

by Anonymousreply 13511/08/2017

My quietest cat woke me at 4:30 AM meowing like crazy. I went looking for her. When I couldn't find her, I decided to go back to bed. There she was at the top of the stairs with a mouse in her mouth. I was so startled I gasped and said "Oh my god!" which woke my husband, who thought we were being robbed or something. He jumped out of bed, the cat ran and we had to go under all the beds looking for her. (I sleep in a separate bedroom because I snore). She ran out from under a bed, leaving her mouse behind. Great fun getting the dead mouse from under the bed, but at least it was dead. A live mouse would have been so much worse.

by Anonymousreply 13611/09/2017

My belly looks full but I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

by Anonymousreply 13711/09/2017

[quote] I haven't eaten anything yet...I wish I had all my dead pets again

This particular juxtaposition disturbs my underwhelm-ment.

by Anonymousreply 13811/09/2017

My husband's cat does this hilarious trick where the laser pointer spot whips him into such a frenzy he literally runs on the wall, Matrix-style to catch it. So I decided to make a YouTube video of him and...zippideedoodah. Nothing. He just looked at the red dot with this polite, "oh, that's nice" expression and is now gazing out the window at the squirrels on the bird feeder. Fucking cats. They're all sons of bitches.

by Anonymousreply 13911/09/2017

Cats will never do the entertaining behavior you want them to do, when a camera is on them. They'll do it endlessly on their own, but once you want them to do it, they just stare at you.

by Anonymousreply 14011/09/2017

[quote] they just stare at you.

It's the evil grin that gets to me.

by Anonymousreply 14111/09/2017

R101 I condole you.

The hot, balding, bearded straight married guy across the street - the one who has on a few occasions, early in the morning, beat off in his living room watching porn - has sadly moved out.

He looked a bit doughy on the street, but damn, he had an enormous cock. I'll miss seeing that Leaning Tower of Pisa blast off.

by Anonymousreply 14211/09/2017

One of my cats meows when I tell him to, but I have to give him an exaggerated wink and move my head a little, otherwise he won't do it. He is the only cat I've ever owned who does a "trick." (Not that kind)

by Anonymousreply 14311/09/2017

Last night I dreamed that my former teacher was famous. My former teacher was Jon Stewart. It was cold and rainy outside, so i popped into a deli in East Hampton. Stewart was there and asked me if I would attend a talent show where his nephew would sing. Of course! I said. He told me the talent show was to raise money for his nephew's school, and he wanted me to get all of my friends to attend, because he wanted a full audience. Sure, I said. I started calling people and asking them to buy a ticket. Everyone said no. I asked if they would attend if I bought a ticket for them and about half said, "OK." Shit, now I had to pay thousands of dollars for tickets and I didn't know how many people would actually show up. I was going to look bad in front of my former-teacher-and-now famous-person because it was going to look like I didn't have many friends. And it was going to cost me a fortune.

by Anonymousreply 14411/11/2017

I got sick. It's fish for dinner.

This is not [italic]Airplane![/italic] I got sick before the fish.

by Anonymousreply 14511/11/2017

I bought my cat an expensive scratching lounger thingy off Amazon because she deserves it. I'll be damned if she has cut off all contact with me in order to spend all her time on that thing. Damn you, Amazon! Damn you all to hell!

by Anonymousreply 14611/11/2017

I had to get up TWICE last night to urinate.

I think I'll get one of those big Cranberry Juice glass bottles and place it under my bed.

by Anonymousreply 14711/11/2017

In two months' time, it'll be the 10th anniversary of Heath Ledger's death. OMG. I feel so old.

by Anonymousreply 14811/11/2017

Did Heath have genuine talent? More than the schmucks who fester our screens today?

by Anonymousreply 14911/11/2017

Oh no, IMDB has gone down!

by Anonymousreply 15011/11/2017

^ It's OK. It's up again.

by Anonymousreply 15111/11/2017

He improved with age, IMO, R149. Brokeback Mountain and The Dark Knight stand out as his best performances.

by Anonymousreply 15211/11/2017

I farted so loudly my cat jumped

by Anonymousreply 15311/11/2017

My gastro doctor examined my hole and said one of my hemorrhoids is thrombosed. He said it’s too inflamed to treat with the laser in his office and since it’s outside he can’t band it. So I have to do warm soaks and stool softener and return in two weeks for him to reevaluate.

by Anonymousreply 15411/11/2017

I bought weird beer that ended up the bargain bin. It was cheap, made with watermelon and sea salt. It is not bad, more like a prosecco than a beer.

by Anonymousreply 15511/11/2017

I just ate two big bowls of Thai hot and spicy noodle soup. I told myself I would stop at one but I knew that wouldn't happen. Now I'm sleepy.

by Anonymousreply 15611/11/2017

I want to to make my own old-fashioned icicles with a sheet of foil and a paper shredder. I just got this idea today and I don’t own a paper shredder so I don’t even know if it’s possible.

by Anonymousreply 15711/11/2017

R156 — You'll wake up quickly when that hot & spicy soup kicks in! I don't know how hot and spicy it is, but that Thai stuff has the capacity to blow you out a whole new asshole.

R153 — It's funny you should mention about your cat waking itself up by farting. I actually did that myself a few days ago. It has never happened before. It was like a gunshot.

by Anonymousreply 15811/12/2017

R157 Scissors?

There was a young cute new dentist when I got a checkup last week. He was 6 feet 4 inches tall but it was hard to make out his body type under this scrubs and gown. Looked just slightly muscular. Full head of hair and nice voice. He made me think of Alexander the Great. His patient was an old whiny lady. Boo. :(

by Anonymousreply 15911/12/2017

I don't know why this made me laugh so much. It hit just the right spot.

by Anonymousreply 16011/12/2017

I just made arroz con pollo. I think it might be a bit too salty but it's pretty good. My mother gave me a bunch of coloured peppers from her garden so it looks very pretty.

by Anonymousreply 16111/12/2017

Fresh garlic on pizza is pretty good.

by Anonymousreply 16211/12/2017

They were out of the Spring Meadow scented Tide Pods, so I had to the the Sport scent.

I hope I don't regret it.

by Anonymousreply 16311/12/2017

My feet are finally warm

by Anonymousreply 16411/12/2017

I used to go to a particular store because the woman at the deli was friendly and knew how to process my order.

But they replaced her with a really ugly man and he is dumber than a box of rocks. How you can hear the word "mozzarella" and think "muenster" is beyond me.

by Anonymousreply 16511/12/2017

This is fosr you, R160:

by Anonymousreply 16611/12/2017

Is this gonna give The Hitachi Magic Wand a run for its money?

by Anonymousreply 16711/12/2017

Italy have failed to qualify for the World Cup! First time in 60 years.

by Anonymousreply 16811/13/2017

I have a growth above my ear. It started out small but now sticks out maybe 1/4 inch.

I haven't looked at it because that's scary.

by Anonymousreply 16911/13/2017

Don't look at it r169.

It'll go away.

by Anonymousreply 17011/14/2017

My friend and I had a good chuckle about a prank we pulled in our AOL days.

We were in an AOL chat room with a guy who was boasting about his appearance and endowment. We told him we would send him a photo of two hot pussies if he sent us a picture of his cock.

The photo he sent was impressive, who knows if it was his own.

We sent him a photo of my friend's two cats sitting on a radiator.......

by Anonymousreply 17111/14/2017

I’m want to make chili tonight, but the pot is still dirty from the last time I made it.

by Anonymousreply 17211/14/2017

The restroom spray stocked at work is called "FOREVER PINK," by Victoria's Secret. Both names makes me think of a vaginal infection.

by Anonymousreply 17311/14/2017

I won my NFL pool this week. I think first prize is almost $200.

by Anonymousreply 17411/14/2017

Just farted. No smell. Which is odd, since I hate an entire jar of hot salsa tonight, drinking it out of the jar.

by Anonymousreply 17511/14/2017

R111 here again. My scheme worked. The pound of See's candy I hid in the garage is now all gone. I ate all of it myself. It lasted 11 days. Had my partner discovered it, it might have lasted two days. (Might). I took the empty box to work to throw away, so there would be no evidence. I'm going to buy some more over the weekend and do the same thing. I don't mind sharing, but with some people if you give them one piece they'll wind up eating the whole box.

Anticipating the reaction I know is bound to be forthcoming after this confession, here's the disclaimer: neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

by Anonymousreply 17611/15/2017

[quote] neither one of us is fat. Really. We aren't.

by Anonymousreply 17711/15/2017

I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

by Anonymousreply 17811/15/2017

R176 - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?

by Anonymousreply 17911/16/2017

Psssst....wanna see my big black cock, R171?

by Anonymousreply 18011/16/2017

I was at the store this morning and a woman had a complete meltdown. I used to work retail and thought I'd seen it all, but this bit had an overture, first act, intermission, second act AND an 11 o'clock number.

Why?

Because the store put vanilla cake on the shelf and she took it home and made it and only after making it did she realize it was chocolate, because they put the box on the wrong part of the shelf, and now she's going to SUE them for gross negligence because her mother in law doesn't eat any fucking chocolate CAAAAAAKE!

(And as an aside: I am so frustrated.....I have carried my cell with me for a decade everywhere. I stop carrying it in the last week because we're having a rash of robberies where thieves take iPhones, and since Monday I've witnessed a car accident, a thief stealing a package from someone's porch AND this!)

by Anonymousreply 18111/16/2017

WTF 181 those three paragraphs OVERwhelmed ---Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

by Anonymousreply 18211/16/2017

LOL!

Sorry, R182!

by Anonymousreply 18311/16/2017

[quote]Now I need to do some breathing exercises thanks to you.

Shallow breaths only r182.

by Anonymousreply 18411/16/2017

Politically incorrect opinion in California: I hate the rain.

by Anonymousreply 18511/16/2017

China poured more concrete from 2011 to 2013 than America did during the entire 20th century.

by Anonymousreply 18611/16/2017

i have the hiccups.

by Anonymousreply 18711/16/2017

i just can't wake up today

by Anonymousreply 18811/16/2017

Achoooo. Allergies.

by Anonymousreply 18911/16/2017

I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

by Anonymousreply 19011/16/2017

[quote]I bought a bag of baby carrots. Organic. But I'm stuck. What method should I use to cook them?

You can boil those suckers for an hour and they won't soften up. They aren't really 'baby' carrots but gnarly carrots that nobody will buy. They cut them up and then treat them with chlorine.

by Anonymousreply 19111/16/2017

I have been having headaches and feeling like I have to shit all the time.

by Anonymousreply 19211/16/2017

"[R176] - couldn't you just have bought a box for yourself and another one for your partner?"

I've actually done that in the past. The problem is, he eats whatever it is I've bought for him, then when it's gone he manages to eat the rest of mine, too. I realize how terrible that sounds, but I reiterate, neither one of us is fat. We normally don't keep sweets in the house. (Mainly because he always finds and eats them).

by Anonymousreply 19311/16/2017

I usually take a walk before dinner, but today I didn't.

by Anonymousreply 19411/16/2017

I read a post on a Facebook Old Homes Renovation page. Prior occupants who stayed 60 days passed the closing date poured concrete down the kitchen drain as a parting gift to the new owners. That's what happens when you buy a house under foreclosure. Talk about a kitchen sink drama!

by Anonymousreply 19511/16/2017

^^^In case you were wondering why so many landlords are unfeeling assholes.

by Anonymousreply 19611/17/2017

A relative of mine has come out as trans on national tv I'm glad my mother is dead because it would have killed her.

by Anonymousreply 19711/17/2017

the voices won't leave me alone.

by Anonymousreply 19811/17/2017

I have a cold and spent most of last night sneezing, so I bought some nasal spray this morning. Now I've stopped sneezing altogether, but my throat hurts and no matter how much I cough, I can't clear it. With hindsight, the constant sneezing was the lesser evil. #firstworldproblems

by Anonymousreply 19911/17/2017

I'm getting ready to replace my kitchen appliances and washer/dryer in one fell swoop. Better than stringing it out, I thought.

by Anonymousreply 20011/17/2017

Eat a teaspoon or two of honey, R199.

by Anonymousreply 20111/17/2017

Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

by Anonymousreply 20211/17/2017

I just made pastry cream for the first time, but I made too much.

It used 12 eggs.

by Anonymousreply 20311/17/2017

[quote] Why is Daniel Franzese so obese?

He's just trying to keep up with you, dear.

by Anonymousreply 20411/18/2017

Whenever I see people wearing those Apple AirPods hanging out of the ears in the street, I can't stop thinking of this—

by Anonymousreply 20511/19/2017

I went to Chuck E. Cheese. Not to eat or play games. For the theater.

by Anonymousreply 20611/19/2017

My hotmail page has been frozen on my iPhone for the last 2 days :(

by Anonymousreply 20711/19/2017

I watched Female Trouble with my niece Anna two weeks ago. She's 7.

My sister called yesterday because Anna is getting at trouble at school for telling other kids, "Who are you.....UGLY?"

She also said that Anna asked her little brother to call her Taffy.

My work here is DONE!

by Anonymousreply 20811/20/2017

Won't someone PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?????!!!!!!!???????

by Anonymousreply 20911/20/2017

I don't know where to file this.

by Anonymousreply 21011/20/2017

Could someone please start a "I really, really want to be underwhelmed" thread.

Please?

by Anonymousreply 21111/21/2017

I had sour patch kids for breakfast.

by Anonymousreply 21211/22/2017

I can't quite believe this is real. Anyone who buys this sweater should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

by Anonymousreply 21311/24/2017

I have a headache today. I may have a headache two or three times per annum, max. If you see some guy sitting on his front porch in eye mask and noise-canceling headphones, it's probably me.

by Anonymousreply 21411/25/2017

My rear end is very sore from being in the car all day. I’m relieved we just pulled in to the hotel parking lot. Soon my rump will rest.

by Anonymousreply 21511/25/2017

My stomach hurts really bad. I ate a whole plate of food on Thanksgiving and yesterday. I never eat that much food at once. Never again.

by Anonymousreply 21611/25/2017

I just had a Milky Way bar for dinner.

by Anonymousreply 21711/25/2017

Do I need to empty my bowels? I can't be sure. I'll have to stand up and twist around to feel if there's enough in my bowels to evacuate them.

Do I remember evacuating them morning? Or was that memory from yesterday?

by Anonymousreply 21811/25/2017

My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses. I have this old pair that are rimless and make this elder look even more elder. I went to the optometrist to get a new pair but didn't cause they didn't take my insurance.

They managed to twist the rimless ones back into shape. They were fine except that they are easily lost because they blend in to the background.

I sat on them and one of the bows broke off so now it is a real professional look. I bought some readers but still procrastinate about getting a new pair. Pretty fucking boring minutiae...... how did Proust make it so interesting?

Oh yeah he was a genius

by Anonymousreply 21911/25/2017

Oh, man, R219! I really relate to the glasses thing. I am constantly losing them or sitting on them. Stepped on them once. The worst thing is when I’m frantically running around the house looking for them and can’t find them—and then realize I’ve pushed them to the top of my head and forgot. Again.

by Anonymousreply 22011/25/2017

My partner baked three turkeys. Fifty pounds of turkey are 49 pounds more than I think we need for frozen leftovers. I don't particularly like turkey.

by Anonymousreply 22111/25/2017

Visiting family today (Sunday). I’ll always remember walking in to face intervention (s) during the holiday season.

by Anonymousreply 22211/26/2017

I discovered a spelling error in Cleveland's traffic statistics report for 1953. To whom shall I report the error?

by Anonymousreply 22311/26/2017

Was cleaning my bathroom today. Used my trusty Clorox bathroom cleaner with bleach spray. I sprayed the tub, and also the tiles the go to the ceiling in the tub area. About a half hour later I was putting towels away and noticed that my brand new Navy blue towels, that had been folded On the shelf next to the tub had bleach "spray" marks all Over. Now they are ruined. They are Navy blue with pink spray spots.

My phone sucks. Not sure if it's my actual iPhone 7 plus that sucks or if this site has ruined my phone and gave me a virus. I'm thinking of getting the iPhone X because of this.

Also looking for a new job this week.

I was good this weekend. Only bought a couple things during the Black Friday sales

by Anonymousreply 22411/26/2017

[quote]To whom shall I report the error?

You just did r223. The DL is the repository for all such meaningless shit.

by Anonymousreply 22511/27/2017

My penis is hard.

by Anonymousreply 22611/27/2017

Still r226?

by Anonymousreply 22711/27/2017

R226

Was your hard penis aroused by some erotic stimulation or was it just a waking dream? They are the hardest.

by Anonymousreply 22811/27/2017

I get perverse pleasure by going into the kitchen late at night and suddenly turning on the light and using a fly swatter to thwack the inevitable 2 or 3 cockroaches I see scuttling away.

by Anonymousreply 22911/28/2017

There's a fairly large puff of dog hair hanging from a single strand of spider web in the laundry room. I should clean it but it's kind of fascinating the way it wafts in the draft every time a door opens or shuts.

by Anonymousreply 23011/28/2017

I have never seen The Sixth Sense. Is it worth watching if, like me, you already know the twist?

by Anonymousreply 23111/29/2017

The twist is pretty evident from the get-go, so just enjoy the ride.

by Anonymousreply 23211/29/2017

Thanks, R232, I'll give it a try.

by Anonymousreply 23311/29/2017

My doctor tells me to reduce my cholesterol by eating stodgy porridge.

I sits like a dead weight in my stomach and I have to wait 6 months to find out if it's effective in any way.

by Anonymousreply 23411/29/2017

Friends to the end.

Cody and Howell Emanuel Donaldson III

by Anonymousreply 23511/30/2017

^ I don't suppose Howell Donaldson III (on the left) isn't any relation to Thurston Howell III.

by Anonymousreply 23611/30/2017

It's just emerged that my younger brother thought Princess Diana was William & Harry’s older sister. And we’re British. He was only a toddler when she died, but still. Jesus Christ.

by Anonymousreply 23712/01/2017

That's ok, R237. I thought Anne was the family horse

by Anonymousreply 23812/01/2017

I accidentally farted while walking past one of my hot boss' door and immediately coughed and ran paper through the shredder for distraction. I hope he forgets by Monday that it ever happened.

by Anonymousreply 23912/01/2017

He might forget but I remember!

by Anonymousreply 24012/02/2017

Who is this Muriel person?

Does Muriel come in and exercise "Flood Control" every time as I want to share my wisdom

by Anonymousreply 24112/02/2017

I drank seven pints of beer of last night and fell asleep at 10.

But my brain woke me up at 2.30 and at 6.00am and again at 9.30 am to urinate out those seven pints of beer.

by Anonymousreply 24212/03/2017

I think Dianne Feinstein should retire, don't you?

She looks at Death's Door with those sad, saggy eyelids which must be hell to paint with a mascara pencil.

by Anonymousreply 24312/04/2017

[quote] R219: My house is so disorganized I permanently lost my glasses.

Look under the couch cushions and then under the couch. That’s where mine were, twice.

by Anonymousreply 24412/04/2017

[quote] R231: I have never seen The Sixth Sense

I thought it was a great movie.

by Anonymousreply 24512/04/2017

There's a difference between Christmas/Holiday songs and Winter songs.

Silent Night and White Christmas are Christmas Songs.

Baby It's Cold Outside and Winter Wonderland are Winter songs. As such, they may be performed and heard into March.

by Anonymousreply 24612/06/2017

However, thank god they are not.

by Anonymousreply 24712/06/2017

Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

by Anonymousreply 24812/07/2017

[quote]Steve Jobs is now wearing mint green turtlenecks in his afterlife.

The first reason I've had to remain alive in YEARS!

by Anonymousreply 24912/07/2017

Sept. 18, 1966: Diane Habegger of Van Nuys, the mother of three, organizes Housewives Voice for Lower Prices. They point out that the cost of bread had gone from 37 to 41 cents a loaf in two weeks

by Anonymousreply 25012/07/2017

My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

And Swoosie Kurtz as "Susie Squirts."

by Anonymousreply 25112/07/2017

Double ply Quilted Northern plugs my toilet.

I have to go back to single ply but Scott brand hurts. Tree bark would feel better.

by Anonymousreply 25212/08/2017

It has become darker, earlier. I have just begun to notice this.

by Anonymousreply 25312/08/2017

Della, try Scott Rapid Dissolve. It is two ply, and doesn't hurt. It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

by Anonymousreply 25412/08/2017

Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a film and it is so ugly, it ruins every scene that it is in.

by Anonymousreply 25512/08/2017

[quote]R91 I spent 6 hours foulding laundry and still have not a single pair of matching socks

Are you one of the Magdalene Sisters?

by Anonymousreply 25612/08/2017

[quote]R251 My Mom pronounced Camilla Parker Bowles' name as "Carmela Bowels."

My mom not only renames stars, but calls any of them I like my friends.

She'll say, "It starred your friend, Faye Dunahugh."

by Anonymousreply 25712/08/2017

Oh, thanks, r254.

by Anonymousreply 25812/09/2017

[quote] It is gentle on my 125 year old plumbing.

At that age, you're lucky you can still sit on a toilet. (*_~)

by Anonymousreply 25912/09/2017

I will go on an all-liquid diet when I reach 60.

I hate the drama of intestinal scraping and blockages.

by Anonymousreply 26012/09/2017

I wear rubber gloves whenever I have to touch water— including in the shower and whenever I perform a bowel-movement

by Anonymousreply 26112/09/2017

I just cleaned some bird poop off of the hood of my Honda CR-V using paper towels and a spray bottle of water.

by Anonymousreply 26212/09/2017

I guess bird poop is acidic.

I am overwhelmed by the smell of ammonia when I empty my urine bottle.

by Anonymousreply 26312/09/2017

There is a toenail on my left foot that is very hard to cut. I've had it checked multiple times and it does not have fungus.

by Anonymousreply 26412/09/2017

^. You need to get a friend or a colleague to try it.

It's hard to get a good position to manoeuvre on your own feet. That's why I love my new foot scraper!

by Anonymousreply 26512/09/2017

I had a dream that all my teeth fell out. When I woke up I was so relieved that it was just a dream.

by Anonymousreply 26612/09/2017

So camp!

by Anonymousreply 26712/09/2017

"Blacula" is on Retro TV now. It's fun to watch it.

I remember seeing it during its 70s first run at the Modjeska Theatre. I was too frightened to watch it through and left early.

by Anonymousreply 26812/11/2017

I just learned that if you Google "All I Want for Christmas Is You", the results page has a Christmassy heading.

by Anonymousreply 26912/11/2017

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" This season, for the first time, I finally heard that song from start to finish. It's superb pop music.

"Scream, Blacula, Scream", " is on now. Already I can tell it won't be as fun to watch as "Blacula".

by Anonymousreply 27012/11/2017

"Music composed and conducted by Bill Marx".

by Anonymousreply 27112/11/2017

I've been stuck all week watching my step-grandson and I've taught him the Harpo Marx Handshake routine. The kid performs it like a champ:

by Anonymousreply 27212/11/2017

I bought a blender to encourage myself to eat more fruit.

Tonight I made a new mix of ⅔ cantaloupe and ⅓ skim milk plus two spoons of desiccated coconut.

by Anonymousreply 27312/12/2017

How did you type those fractions?

by Anonymousreply 27412/12/2017

^ Well, I just typed in a 2 and a / and a 3 and suddenly a ⅔ popped into place.

by Anonymousreply 27512/12/2017

That cantaloupe smoothie was unusual in that it was based on milk.

Most of my others have oranges as their base. And I add on apples or carrots or celery or berries.

by Anonymousreply 27612/12/2017

I hate 99% of Christmas music, especially Jingle Bell Rock.

by Anonymousreply 27712/13/2017

Underwhelm is a fairly recent addition to the English language, and as is often the case with such young words, there is a certain amount of misinformation regarding where it came from.

by Anonymousreply 27812/13/2017

I just thought of a couple of fun exit lines:

See you later, masturbator.

After a while, pedophile.

by Anonymousreply 27912/13/2017

I came here to post something, but now I forget what.

by Anonymousreply 28012/13/2017

All we did for outdoor Christmas lights was put a 90 watt white spotlight under each (6 of 'em) tree; nothing else. We also put up a large wreath with small white lights with a large red bow.

I like it, but, truth be told, I honestly can't make up my mind if the effect is elegant and subtle or blah and dull.

by Anonymousreply 28112/14/2017

^ I'm not Catholic or superstitious but I'd feel uneasy placing wreath on my door.

Jesus died at Easter time not Christmas.

by Anonymousreply 28212/14/2017

Yeah, R282, but only for three days. Does the time he was "dead" really count?

by Anonymousreply 28312/15/2017

Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, r283.

by Anonymousreply 28412/15/2017

So, I guess I'm not supposed to dip my bread into the peanut butter jar. Sometimes my mam makes me feel like a seven year old.

by Anonymousreply 28512/16/2017

There's a Claudia Lamb (Heather Hartman from MH,MH) tribute on YT. It's a little less than a minute long but provides a link to an actual Claudia Lamb interview from 10-28-16.

by Anonymousreply 28612/16/2017

The tediousness of dressing with an awreness of thr various articles of clothing w hen worn together, i.e. length of shirt and height of waistband, degree of sheerness of shirt, camisole versus bra, cleavage and help style, length of pants, type of sock, type of shoe, color match, Brown or black leather for shoes and purse, outerwear in comparison to outfit, likelihood of perspiring and the appropriate deodorant, etc. ad infinitum.

by Anonymousreply 28712/16/2017

R279

😂😂😂😂 Love you.

by Anonymousreply 28812/16/2017

Fifty minutes ago a strange man's mouth was around my penis.

It was pleasant even if he wasn't particularly attractive.

His mouth was wonderfully warm.

by Anonymousreply 28912/16/2017

"Dog food lid" spelled backward is “dildo of god.”

"Jesus" read backward sounds like "sausage."

by Anonymousreply 29012/17/2017

What is the difference between lint, dust and dander?

I suck it all up in my Dyson Stick but can I place it all down the lavatory bowl?

by Anonymousreply 29112/19/2017

Look at the two harmonious curves of the man on the right's stomach and buttock

by Anonymousreply 29212/20/2017

I'm watching this movie on YouTube.

It's directed by James Whale and features an absolutely OTT role for Mrs Patrick Campbell.

by Anonymousreply 29312/22/2017

^ "One More River" (1934)

by Anonymousreply 29412/22/2017

I just slipped and fell on my way from the kitchen. That’s what I get for being a fat girl.

by Anonymousreply 29512/22/2017

I cut ma toe. I took the recycle bag out of the bin to bring it out to the garage and I kicked it when I walked past it. With my luck, I managed to kick a heavy glass canister that had been broken in half. I'm lucky I didn't sever the toe from my foot.

by Anonymousreply 29612/23/2017

I had another of my flying dreams which originated my childhood Parkour (*look it up in a dictionary*)

I fly vast differences over cities that I know. Of course, my greatest problem is avoiding the telegraph wires because I don't like flying too high. But you'd be amazed how you can pick a flight path to avoid them. Last night I flew across the harbour to avoid them.

by Anonymousreply 29712/24/2017

I just watched Planes Trains and Automobiles and Steve Martin's wife looks like she's on barbiturates through the whole thing

by Anonymousreply 29812/25/2017

I have never been a big holiday person....and always go to an extended family's endless dinner where we arrive two hours early.

This year (and at Thansgiving) I bucked tradition by arriving a half an hour late for the drinks portion.

by Anonymousreply 29912/25/2017

Something big keeps pooping in my front yard.

by Anonymousreply 30012/26/2017

I posted upthread about EBT benefits being cut. SSI just gave us a raise from $735 to $750 per month. So EBT went down from $102 to $95. Net gain of $8 for rise in "cost of living." I wonder how republicans live with themselves sometimes.

by Anonymousreply 30112/26/2017

^. Are you taking about Electronic benefit transfer, R301?

by Anonymousreply 30212/26/2017

Yes, r302, a.k.a. Food Stamps a.k.a. SNAP.

by Anonymousreply 30312/26/2017

I just found out that one of my two actual, legitimate enemies died today of cancer. My other enemy is his wife. I wish I had even a little bit of regret, but I still despise them both. They did me a lot of damage.

by Anonymousreply 30412/26/2017

Like mortal enemies, R304?

by Anonymousreply 30512/26/2017

R301 I guess you didn't appreciate that thread from a couple of months ago in DL where about 20 or so DLers (who I assume had retired and were able to calculate their assets and) declared they were worth over a million dollars.

I haven't the wherewithal to calculate mine but my best friends says most have more than they know.

by Anonymousreply 30612/26/2017

OK, (Julianne Moore) seriously, some of you noobs need to go read old Underwhelmed threads because you're missing the fucking point of the entire thing. And, for that matter, you should be reading old threads to get a sense of tone for this entire place because you're fucking it all up.

by Anonymousreply 30712/26/2017

R305, well the one is mortal anyway, since he's dead now. Hopefully the other stone-cold cunt will prove her mortality soon enough.

by Anonymousreply 30812/26/2017

R300 , could it be a raccoon? They come to our house looking for cat food every night, and sometimes I'll see poop on the sidewalk and think it might be them because most people will pick up after their dogs.

We have skunks too; they have such luxurious tales.

by Anonymousreply 30912/27/2017

Tales of what, R309? I thought skunks led pretty boring lives.

by Anonymousreply 31012/27/2017

Sorry, it's me r300. I can't help it and your daisies are sooooo inviting!

by Anonymousreply 31112/27/2017

I’m the musical Cats!

by Anonymousreply 31212/27/2017

I love Cats and cats.

by Anonymousreply 31312/27/2017

Two owls are hooting at each other in the woods behind my house. They're really loud. It sounds something like this:

by Anonymousreply 31412/27/2017

My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because I snore. He is vegetarian and weighs 150lbs soaking wet. Last night he turned the thermostat up so high that I had to open my window an inch (it was 12 degrees outside) and drag my summer fan out of the closet. When I finally tried to turn down the thermostat, I couldn't. He'd broken it. Seriously. The heat won't stop.

He's always been cold. But when I walked into his bedroom early today, what did I see? His fucking air conditioner is still in his window! It's uncovered. It's 13 degrees and windy outside, he's got the equivalent of an open window in his room and my room is 84 degrees! Stupidity like this is unfathomable.

by Anonymousreply 31512/28/2017

Zac Efron’s acting career.

by Anonymousreply 31612/28/2017

I'm ill and instead of offering comfort my cat sits on his favourite cushion and looks at me like he is slightly disgusted and confused, and wants a cuddle. So I pick him up for a cuddle and he looks uncomfortable and fucks off back to his cushion.

by Anonymousreply 31712/29/2017

Heinz mayonnaise is not as good as Hellman's/Best Foods.

by Anonymousreply 31812/29/2017

I'm so worried about my Guinea fowl. They sleep in trees and live their whole lives outdoors. They've gone through cold weather before, but not extended, like this. Maybe a few days of single digits and teens temperatures, then it gets to be about 30 degrees, which is fine with them. I looked at the 10 day outlook and there are no days where the temperature gets out of the low twenties and all days have lows in the single digits. This sucks.

by Anonymousreply 31912/29/2017

r319, what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs? Curious. I hear they're good for keeping down ticks.

by Anonymousreply 32012/29/2017

Do they have a coop, R319? Leave it open and make sure they have deep clean bedding but other than that you don't need to worry about them. You might try giving them an evening feed of corn but that's about it.

by Anonymousreply 32112/29/2017

I just got some blood test results back: bad liver and kidney numbers. I'm quite scared.

by Anonymousreply 32212/29/2017

Be careful with your kidneys. I knew a very wealthy alcoholic who was struck down at age 65.

by Anonymousreply 32312/29/2017

I am so whelmed that I am deleting this thread from my favorites.

by Anonymousreply 32401/02/2018

I understand R324. I can't expect you to share my pain in that my nightmares are getting worse with age.

They're getting worse in that my self-knowledge is increasing inversely with the deterioration of all those valves, bones, ligaments and soft flesh which all adds to horrible, horrible nightmares.

by Anonymousreply 32501/02/2018

Take it to a thread that cares r325.

by Anonymousreply 32601/02/2018

My cat is rather fond of marzipan stollen.

by Anonymousreply 32701/03/2018

I have a test tomorrow morning and I havent studied yet

by Anonymousreply 32801/03/2018

I just found online the full length version of a highlights porn video which I've jerked off to in the past, and the full length version is no more exciting than the highlights.

by Anonymousreply 32901/04/2018

That is common R329. We have short attention span now.

by Anonymousreply 33001/04/2018

I'm listening to songs from the I Am Sam soundtrack (even though I've never seen the film), and all I can think of Robert Downey Jr's "never go full retard" speech in Tropic Thunder.

by Anonymousreply 33101/05/2018

While watching Jimi Hendrix- Voodoo Child on Netflix I realized Lenny Kravitz copies his clothing style.

by Anonymousreply 33201/06/2018

Lenny Kravitz is a Half-jewish copy-cat

by Anonymousreply 33301/06/2018

I grew up saying "hot chocolate" instead of "cocoa."

by Anonymousreply 33401/06/2018

I'm sick and goddamn tired of my partner's life long straight male friend contacting me because my boyfriend won't respond to him. Said friend lives in a European country and loves to contact us at inopportune times because he's too fucking stupid to understand the time difference. I always end up being the one arguing politics and whatever else this guy wants to bitch about. Why must I keep up my boyfriend's friendships? This has been going on for years.

by Anonymousreply 33501/06/2018

I dread this evening's inevitable multiple Golden Globes threads. Those uncomfortable which thread will be "it?" moments before the prevailing thread takes over, unnerves me.

by Anonymousreply 33601/07/2018

R335 — You can put an end to it by abruptly, when he's in mid-sentence, say to him, "I'll bet you have a really big cock. Got any dick pics?" Or if you think that's a little too hardcore, you could say instead, "What color underpants are you wearing right now?"

You're welcome.

by Anonymousreply 33701/07/2018

Sage advice for new year—

by Anonymousreply 33801/07/2018

I use a mouse instead of the touchpad.

The roller thing on the top of the mouse, in the middle, just stopped responding.

I worry it is broken.

by Anonymousreply 33901/09/2018

I hate these fuckers. I keep finding them in my house.

by Anonymousreply 34001/10/2018

[quote] what do you do with Guinea fowl, do you eat them or their eggs?

My guinea fowl don't have a coop. They sleep in trees. They just showed up one day. There were 15 of them. They've been whittled down to 3. There were 4 of them for 5 years, but I lost one last winter (during a warm spell, oddly).

I keep them for eating ticks. In summer they eat birdseed as a snack, but in winter I have to seriously feed them. They're idiots, but I like them.

They are all male. The females all died the first summer because they lay eggs out in the open and sit on the nest day and night, where they end up getting consumed by hawks, owls, dogs, raccoons, possums, foxes. We don't have coyotes here, but they are big consumers of guinea fowl as well.

by Anonymousreply 34101/10/2018
by Anonymousreply 34201/10/2018

I had the creepiest dream last night. I was lying in my bed when I felt this invisible force - (i.e. a ghost) - pushing down on my chest and my throat so that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see anything, but I could hear it screaming aggressively at me, although I couldn't make out what it was saying. When I woke up, I was in that confused, half-asleep state, so it took me a few minutes to realise that it must have been a dream.

by Anonymousreply 34301/10/2018

Salesforce Tower, underwhelming by design, opens for business

Noted skyscraper comes with San Francisco’s lack of “visual swagger”

by Anonymousreply 34401/10/2018

God, that building is ugly. It looks like a mechanical pencil.

by Anonymousreply 34501/10/2018

I put a pizza in the toaster oven and ate an apple while it was cooking and now I'm not even hungry anymore and don't want to eat the pizza.

by Anonymousreply 346Last Sunday at 2:43 PM

I hate Sunday so much I feel like crying.

by Anonymousreply 347Last Sunday at 2:58 PM

I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)

by Anonymousreply 348Last Sunday at 3:13 PM

I'm going to throw my garbage down the chute in the compactor room now.

by Anonymousreply 349Last Sunday at 3:21 PM

I'm back.

by Anonymousreply 350Last Sunday at 3:23 PM

"I always flush my nail clippings. Somehow, I'm afraid that someone could use them to put a spell on me. (I'm not making this up.)"

I take my nail clippings and toss them into the garden, where, hopefully, they'll turn into compost and nourish the plants. I view this as the ultimate recycling.

Glad you're back R350. We missed you.

by Anonymousreply 351Last Sunday at 4:09 PM

I put cotton sheets on my bed yesterday, but now I hear we're in for another cold snap. I want to change, but that would mean removing two blankets and a comforter as well as the sheets.

by Anonymousreply 352Last Sunday at 6:13 PM

My feet stink. I should get in the tub but I'm watching bad tv and don't wan to stop.

by Anonymousreply 353Last Sunday at 6:41 PM

A cute boy stared at me when I was in line at the supermarket. He totally wants me.

by Anonymousreply 354Last Sunday at 8:00 PM

I just woke up and I have to pee. My place is cool and my bed is warm and I don’t want to get up.

by Anonymousreply 355Last Monday at 3:15 AM

^ I have a glass jar (with lid) under my bed for use in the night.

I don't follow Sarah Miles' philosophy so I rinse out the jar in the bathroom in the morning and let it drain in the yard.

When I'm rinsing I note that the hot liquid from my body has caused condensation under the lid of the jar and I wonder if this condensation liquid is "clean".

by Anonymousreply 356Last Monday at 3:49 AM

Lick it.

by Anonymousreply 357Last Monday at 4:36 AM

My Siberian Husky appropriated one of my unwashed tennis socks a couple of weeks ago and carries it around everywhere with her. She won't let me take it away from her and is very possessive of it. Of course I'm letting her keep it. I just can't understand what the attraction is. She's had plenty of opportunity to pilfer my clothing, socks, underwear, etc., but has never done it before. The sock is now getting kind of ratty looking, but she seems to love it.

by Anonymousreply 358Last Monday at 9:51 AM

Lick it.

by Anonymousreply 359Last Monday at 10:02 AM

r358, your Husky is a wicked practical joke-playing minx and I think I love her.

by Anonymousreply 360Last Monday at 11:40 AM

My cat walked across my laptop keyboard and somehow managed to invert images on my second monitor! I had no idea that could be done. Took me a couple minutes to figure out how to close the open windows (with the mouse, up was down, left was right) undo what he did. That would have been a funny call to the Help Desk.

by Anonymousreply 361Last Wednesday at 10:04 AM

R358 She is doing it for your smell. Same reason why dogs eat glasses, etc.

If it has the smell of their human on it they are all about it. Just happened to be your sock.

by Anonymousreply 362Last Wednesday at 10:20 AM

I just went to an AA meeting (non-dramatic...it's just part of my regular week.)

This (perhaps homeless ?) woman came in a bit late and was sitting a few seats away from me, coughing for most of it.

I left 5 minutes before the end, when we hold hands for the Serenity Prayer, because I don't want to get sick.

#WinnerToday : (

by Anonymousreply 36312 hours ago

[quote]R284 Maybe he was just a deep sleeper, [R283]

He was just taking Jennifer's Sleep Cure from VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. .

by Anonymousreply 36412 hours ago
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