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Let's be an episode of "Poirot"

I'm the murderer making a self-incriminating confession before all the other suspects, prompted simply by Poirot figuring out how I did it, even though he does not have a shred of actual evidence that could prove I did it. But it's such a relief to be unburdened at last!

by Anonymousreply 95Last Monday at 5:52 AM

I'm mincing. And figure wagging, sighing, flower in buttonhole gayness. But I'm not gay, just Belgian.

by Anonymousreply 106/04/2017

[quote] I'm the murderer making a self-incriminating confession before all the other suspects, prompted simply by Poirot figuring out how I did it, even though he does not have a shred of actual evidence that could prove I did it.

You're also every episode of "Murder, She Wrote." Just replace Poirot with Jessica Fletcher.

by Anonymousreply 206/04/2017

I am NOT French, I am Belgian!

by Anonymousreply 306/04/2017

I'm the handsome man who must be guilty because all the other suspects are unattractive.

by Anonymousreply 406/04/2017

I am Poirot's moustache. I am his most loyal companion. His human companions come and go (Colonel Hastings, Miss Lemon, Chief Inspector Japp, George, or Ariadne Oliver) but I remain firmly and well maintained with him to the end.

by Anonymousreply 506/04/2017

I'm the beautiful, well-maintained art deco building used to set the time and place. I'm gorgeous, but you'll see me no less than seven times throughout the series.

by Anonymousreply 606/04/2017

I'm creme de menthe!

by Anonymousreply 706/04/2017

I'm the faggot Poirot is allergic to when it's being offered to him by Inspector Japp.

by Anonymousreply 806/04/2017

I'm the familiar-looking actor. Where have you seen me before? Was it an episode of Doctor Who? Or Downton Abbey? Maybe it was Broadchurch? Or that show with that guy from League of Gentlemen...shit, what was the name of that show?

by Anonymousreply 906/04/2017

I'm Miss Lemon's pussy. I don't stink, and my pubic hair is styled to match the hair on her head.

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by Anonymousreply 1006/04/2017

I'm the wealthy demanding American widow, I demand to be let off this ship at once!

by Anonymousreply 1106/04/2017

I'm the complicated poison conveniently available because of elaborate plot reasons.

by Anonymousreply 1206/04/2017

I'm the knickknacks Poirot rearranges.

by Anonymousreply 1306/07/2017

I'm the two perfectly equal soft boiled eggs resting in egg cups on M Poirot's breakfast table.

by Anonymousreply 1406/07/2017

I am the dishes that Hastings washes and hands to Poirot for drying - including the inadequately washed ones that Poirot hands back several times.

by Anonymousreply 1506/07/2017

I'm the tacky, overproduced seasons 9 through the series's end.

I lack all the charm of the earlier episodes.

by Anonymousreply 1606/07/2017

I am Poirot's completely unnecessary, but totally fashionable, walking stick.

by Anonymousreply 1706/07/2017

I am the pencil moustache that makes the face look really stupid.

by Anonymousreply 1806/07/2017

I'm gay porn, added to the original story by the screenwriter.

Seriously.

by Anonymousreply 1906/07/2017

I'm the brilliant filing system devised by Miss Lemon. When Felicity Lemon and Hastings disappear from the show the office I currently occupy will become the hiding place for Poirot's well maintained dildo collection..

by Anonymousreply 2003/04/2018

I’m the coin stuck in David Suchet’s buttom when he learns how Poirot walks.

by Anonymousreply 2103/04/2018

I'm Milo Perrier.

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by Anonymousreply 2203/04/2018

I'm Hastings' hat

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by Anonymousreply 2303/04/2018

I'm Miss Lemon's immaculately trimmed bush

by Anonymousreply 2408/20/2018

r24, see r10

by Anonymousreply 2508/20/2018

I’m the wince each time Poirot is called Hercules.

by Anonymousreply 2608/20/2018

I’m his current companion. You may call me “mon ami.”

by Anonymousreply 2708/20/2018

Je suis [italic]le mal de mer[/italic], Hercule Poirot's unconquerable foe and menace.

by Anonymousreply 2808/20/2018

I am the six Art Deco buildings in the UK.

I am all they have.

They keep filming me because, well, really.

by Anonymousreply 2908/20/2018

I'm a mincing prisspot. If Hercule Poirot weren't eccentric and Belgian, you'd call him one, too.

by Anonymousreply 3008/20/2018

Poirot is not a mincing prisspot. He’s a Belgian cream puff.

by Anonymousreply 3108/20/2018

I’m Philip Jackson, portrayer of Inspector Japp. You may recognize me as the “wrench wielding bad guy” from A-Ha’s video of “Take on Me”.

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by Anonymousreply 3208/20/2018

I'm Inspector Jaap's wife. I'm hiding in the same plot closet as Mrs Colombo, Maris Crane and Stanley Walker

by Anonymousreply 3308/20/2018

I am an oscar nominated actor/actress who started here in a minor role and it took some time so I appear more than once.

by Anonymousreply 3408/20/2018

R7! It is the Sirop de Cassis!

by Anonymousreply 3508/20/2018

I am the little gray cells.

by Anonymousreply 3608/20/2018

I am the tisane, served in Poirot’s favorite cup.

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by Anonymousreply 3708/20/2018

I'm the one, single modernist mansion in England. Every episode shows me at a different angle because we think the audience won't notice.

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by Anonymousreply 3808/20/2018

I am the apparent target of many murder attempts that have apparently accidentally killed other people. Invariably I am the culprit and was out to get those other people.

by Anonymousreply 3908/20/2018

Hi!

We're the new lesbian characters--yes, we were in the original books, where everyone with half a brain realized what we were. But now we kiss on screen to make the older generation's heads explode.

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by Anonymousreply 4008/20/2018

Hi R40 I'm afraid you lady lovers belong to the Marple episodes.

by Anonymousreply 4108/20/2018

I am a plot twist involving the villain translating his real name into another language to create an alias.

by Anonymousreply 4208/20/2018

R41, I, like the location managers of Poirot, hoped no one would have noticed.

I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for our meddling R40.

by Anonymousreply 4308/20/2018

^^^^R41, of course.

by Anonymousreply 4408/20/2018

I’m the plaintive cry “Touch nothing!” as the body is discovered.

by Anonymousreply 4508/21/2018

[quote]I am a plot twist involving the villain translating his real name into another language to create an alias.

Isn’t that right Fraulein Gruenwald?

by Anonymousreply 4608/21/2018

Or Felix Ruber.

by Anonymousreply 4708/21/2018

Or Ima Kunt

by Anonymousreply 4808/22/2018

I'm the bidet in M. Poirot's bathroom, keeping his shitter gleaming. Japp thinks I'm a fancy sink. Ms Christie has better taste than to mention me in the original books.

by Anonymousreply 4908/30/2018

I'm the exasperated explanations (plot expositions) Poirot has to provide to the dim Hastings

by Anonymousreply 5012/21/2019

I'm the coin wedged in David Suchet's crack

by Anonymousreply 5112/21/2019

I'm Michael Fassbender playing a drunk. I'm a method actor.

by Anonymousreply 5212/21/2019

R38, I saw an episode recently with that house and I had to look up the location.

I am the chaulmoogra oil used to drive people mad.

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by Anonymousreply 5312/21/2019

I'm the (extremely annoying and distracting) Vaseline on the lens beginning with season 11. I make the episodes so fuzzy, you'll feel the need to clean you glasses and your tv screen.

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by Anonymousreply 5410/16/2020

your*

by Anonymousreply 5510/16/2020

I'm Poirot's breakfast. The 2 soft boiled eggs must be perfectly identical.

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by Anonymousreply 5610/16/2020

Yes, R54, it's hard to see what's happening on screen.

I'm the mysterious inconsistent footage which occurred in the film (or videotape) over a few years.

The arc lamp wattage was increased or the film was incorrectly processed and bleached in the lab.

by Anonymousreply 5710/16/2020

I think the goal was to disguise his wrinkles. In reality it just makes everything look blurry and smeary.

by Anonymousreply 5810/16/2020

I'm The Mystery of the Bumped Threads.

by Anonymousreply 5910/16/2020

No mystery, I missed it the first time around and have been binge watching Poirot and wanted to discuss.

by Anonymousreply 6010/16/2020

I'm another recent binge-watcher and I'm fascinated how the stories have been either edited-down or stretched-out to fit the one-hour or two-hour time slot.

I'm 'binge-watching' because my local TV channel has been 'binge-screening' them. And I get thoroughly confused when that channel shows Christie's characters in the 1980s version one week and the same characters acting out the same plot in the later version in the following week.

by Anonymousreply 6110/16/2020

Which episodes are you bingeing today?

by Anonymousreply 6210/17/2020

I'm English cuisine, a comfort and joy to Inspector Japp's tastebuds and iron stomach.

To Monsieur Poirot I am tasteless and vile.

by Anonymousreply 6310/17/2020

I'm the unnecessary group gossip Poirot drops about the other guests at the accusation soiree before finally revealing the murderer. "Did you need to know that Great Uncle Alfred dresses in lingerie? NON! But by God I have spent the last week snooping round this house and I will reveal every dark family secret you all hoped would never see the light of day regardless of its relevancy to the stabbing before getting down to solving this brutal crime."

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by Anonymousreply 6410/17/2020

I'm the 9-inch dildo hidden at the very back of the third drawer of Miss Lemon's meticulous filing. Usually enjoyed every Wednesday morning by Miss Lemon when M. Poirot out is at the barber.

by Anonymousreply 6510/17/2020

Je suis [italic]mal de mer[/italic], the menace of every Channel crossing.

"'AsTINGS! Summon the steward! I am in need of a tisane de gingembre! What do you mean you don't know what it is? It's ginger you rosbif halfwit!" BLEAAARGH

by Anonymousreply 6610/17/2020

R64 - How dare you?! Gossip is always necessary. The more salacious the better, especially in a murder investigation.

by Anonymousreply 6710/17/2020

I'm the jewels the Countess steals all over the world because Poirot was thinking with his cock and let her go.

by Anonymousreply 6810/17/2020

I'm the evil voice.

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by Anonymousreply 6910/17/2020

I am the moustache torture-wax that ought to have ignited and taken his face with me long before now.

by Anonymousreply 7010/17/2020

Murder in Paradise always has the detective doing this shit. I guess it's a formula.

by Anonymousreply 7110/17/2020

I'm the loud, smelly farts that uncouth Inspector Japp does after a night of fine dining at the Belgian's elegant table.

I could have a 1/2 mile exclusion zone in Isleworth.

by Anonymousreply 7210/17/2020

I'm Captain Hasting's missing grey cells.

by Anonymousreply 7310/17/2020

I'm the magnifying glass that helps him find there is one page missing from Carlotta Adam's missive to her sister.

by Anonymousreply 7410/17/2020

I'm Inspector Japp's simmering resentment over always being shown up by Poirot.

by Anonymousreply 7510/17/2020

I'm a dodgy American accent. It'll be a relief when this character is bumped off.

by Anonymousreply 7610/17/2020

I'm Miss Lemon's shitty typewriter. Poirot refuses to replace me.

by Anonymousreply 7710/17/2020

I'm the Vaseline on the lens mentioned in R54 and combined with window glare in R69.

by Anonymousreply 7810/17/2020

I am the lack of lawyers present at these final reveals. You know, all these suspects should've lawyered up by now (unless they are trapped in a train or boat for some reason). But instead they just humor that little fey and theatrical Belgian and go into these things without legal council. Is it any wonder that Poirot is toying with them and playing his petty little mind games to prolong their torture? They have only themselves to blame.

by Anonymousreply 7910/17/2020

I'm the literary snob who says these characters are utterly one-dimensional and completely lacking one iota of psychological consistency.

They are Mr A, Mr B, Mrs C, Mrs D, Miss E and F etcetera being pushed through some contortions of Step 1, step 2, step 3 etcetera.

by Anonymousreply 8010/17/2020

I am the early seasons, when everything is campy and funny, even though people are being murdered and will be hanged, and even though Christie’s books are dark and quite serious.

by Anonymousreply 8110/17/2020

I am 1936. There were more murders among England's upper class during me than all the years before or since combined.

by Anonymousreply 8210/17/2020

I'm the slurred names.

Marple is a variation of the common word marble. Poirot is a variation on the celebrated couturier Poiret

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by Anonymousreply 8310/17/2020

[quote]without legal council

Oh, dear.

by Anonymousreply 8410/17/2020

I'm the murderer who dresses up as someone else to try to foil Poirot

by Anonymousreply 8510/17/2020

I'm Nurse Leatheran, pushed aside for TV to make room for Hastings. That twit is lucky there wasn't one more murder in Mesopotamia.

by Anonymousreply 86Last Sunday at 12:08 AM

Hi Nurse Leatheran! You were missed as the narrator of the story! How crazy is it your mistress had such a poor memory for faces?!

by Anonymousreply 87Last Sunday at 2:23 AM

I never gossip about my patients. I'll just mention that face blindness, or Prosopagnosia, is a real condition.

But then so is Faecal Encephalopathy.

by Anonymousreply 88Last Sunday at 4:00 AM

I'm Colonel Hastings' hard-on for The Wrong Woman. I get quite a workout.

by Anonymousreply 89Last Sunday at 4:13 AM

I'm Bella Duveen and I'll put an end to all these pesky erections for Arthur. Especially for his fey little Belgian friend.

by Anonymousreply 90Last Sunday at 4:22 AM

I am a sentiment translated too literally from French. Do not mock yourself at me!

by Anonymousreply 91Last Sunday at 5:09 AM

Lol R91 I am the red fish who distracts from the real killer!

by Anonymousreply 92Last Monday at 5:48 AM

I'm the earrings

by Anonymousreply 93Last Monday at 5:50 AM

I Am the caftans

by Anonymousreply 94Last Monday at 5:50 AM

"The little Frog is Belgian!"

by Anonymousreply 95Last Monday at 5:52 AM
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