DL I NEED YOUR HELP

0/10

Do you have a job for me, R1? I will work VERY HARD.

Obviously R1 is a programmer communicating only in zeros and ones.

OP,

Do you know Fortran? You must know Fortran to succeed in today's modern and busy world.

OP,

I have a Polaroid Land Camera you can buy to photograph your resume before you mail it in.

Do you have an AOL email address in case they want to contact you?

Are you proficient in WebTV?

YES I know FORTRAN. I used it for SCIENTIFIC COMPUTING for the 704 MAINFRAME. It was the FIRST OPTIMIZING COMPILER I worked with.

NO AOL ACCOUNT. ARPANET instead. THANK YOU.

OP,

But are you proficient with Displaywrites or Selectrics?

If you don't have experience with FidoNet you're going to have problems in today's competitive work force.

Can you change the roll of paper in a fax machine?

You will pry my Selectric from my cold, dead, well manicured hands.

OH YES. FAMILIAR WITH IBM SELECTRIC TYPEWRITER. VERY PROFICIENT. I REGULARLY ACHIEVE OVER *80 WPM*

MICORCOMPUTING with IBM DISPLAYWRITER 6580 WORD PROCESSING, YES. I know that *SYSTEM* WELL. I also know MS-DOS. ALL SYSTEMS.

I DO NOT change FACSIMILE PAPER. Can LEARN if it would be PERTINENT to my NEW JOB.

Why do you type in all-caps?

Are you the guy that screams "HOW CAN I BE GAY" on the other thread? If not he is for YOU!

To EMPHASIZE my SKILL SETS, R15. Do you have a JOB to OFFER me?

I'm not that CHAP, R16. I already KNOW how to be GAY. I need a JOB. Do you have one to OFFER to me?

We're still assessing whether or not you possess the critical office automation efficiency required for a job; so please be patient. This is, after all, a job interview.

Now, tell us about your proficiency with an IBM 1403, including the special paper it requires.

You sound like you'd be a perfect Greeter

Oh YES. IBM 1403. A MOVIE STAR printer in 1964's, DR. STRANGELOVE.

SEVERAL MODELS.

REQUIREMENT of FAN-FOLDED paper with PERFORATED edges. VERY NOISY, 240 characters including SPECIAL CHARACTERS. SPECIAL CHAINS could be ordered if REQUIRED. ANYTHING ELSE?

So, do I HAVE the JOB?

[quote] Oh YES. IBM 1403. A MOVIE STAR printer in 1964's, DR. STRANGELOVE.

1964? We are past the year 2001! Do you know anything about programming the HAL 9000?

Very good, OP. Now that we've thoroughly discussed your expertise with office automation equipment, let's move on to you as a team player, and all it means. Tell us about a time when you:

1.) Disagreed with your manager, how you handled it, and what you'd learned; 2.) A mistake you'd made, its consequences, and the process you'd employed to resolve it; and 3.) Discuss your technical strengths and weaknesses, and your perfect manager.

Take as much time as you need.

Well, you've got to hand it to OP - very few people are familiar enough with that tech from the past to be able to incorporate into the story.

So, kudos for that.

[quote] 1.) Disagreed with your manager, how you handled it, and what you'd learned

I ONCE did not believe that a lady could become MY supervisor. It was a different ERA when they decided to PROMOTE GLADYS. I felt slighted as I BELIEVED my SKILL SET was greater than hers. At first I had a hard time ACCEPTING GLADYS as my direct SUPERIOR. However, after several WHISKEY SOURS, I came to the conclusion that I would have to STEP back and give GLADYS a chance to lead me and my DEPARTMENT. Soon, it became apparent that although my skills were better than hers, she WAS a GREAT leader. She was a much needed emollient in our department that often BICKERED endlessly. I learned that sometimes a great leader may not have the same skills as their WORKERS, but they have the ABILITY to organize and MOTIVATE their team, which is very important.

[quote] 2.) A mistake you'd made, its consequences, and the process you'd employed to resolve it

I was and AM a perfectionist. However, back in 1962, I was working for a large recording company. I informed my SUPERVISOR that I believed that Guitar groups were on their way out. LITTLE did I know that my WORDS would later come back to haunt me. As a result of my egregious ERROR, my company lost out on the OPPORTUNITY to seal a contract with a then popular musical group. I was subsequently dismissed from my POSITION. I learned that I sometimes needed to take a RISK instead of dismissing ideas that may be unappealing or FOREIGN to me. Since then, I attempt to fully understand a situation BEFORE I write the idea off as ridiculous.

[quote] 3.) Discuss your technical strengths and weaknesses, and your perfect manager.

My perfect MANAGER is someone that is approachable and OPEN to ideas that will help to ACHIEVE GOALS and company RESOLUTIONS. SOMEONE that can see the BIG PICTURE in other words. The person should be STRONG WILLED yet flexible. I will HIGHLIGHT my technical proficiency as such; I am COMPETENT and FAMILIAR with many IBM SYSTEMS which I have PREVIOUSLY noted. My WEAKNESSES are some OUTMODED systems such as Windows 95 (Chicago) and Windows 98 (Memphis). I have ONLY passable knowledge of these PARTICULAR systems.

Oh for God's sake just die!

First thing's first. Set up a myspace page and post some dick pics. We will take it from there.

Does Myspace allow dick pics?

[quote]My WEAKNESSES are some OUTMODED systems such as Windows 95 (Chicago) and Windows 98 (Memphis).

Be cautious OP, Y2K could get you. Back up all your info on your Palm Pilot.

Any steno skills? We prefer standard Gregg shorthand.

I'm feeding this OP to my Univac just to see what it craps out from the process.

OP,

You seem so smart! Can you help me with my WordPerfect program? I can't find how to indent.

Now that we've assessed your technical, reasoning, and interpersonal skills, we have a final question, perhaps more important than the others: are you hot?

OP, be sure to have your Nash Rambler tuned up before beginning the daily commute to your new job.

DUESENBERG. I will get it ready. THANKS.

Fail

[quote]Do you have an AOL email address in case they want to contact you?

Sorry, CARRIER PIGEON or PONY EXPRESS only!

Would you show the head of HR your peen if he was hot and asked you very nicely?

There may be an opening. We still haven't replaced Ginny in Billing.

To the contrary, r1, I'd give this charming poster an 8/10.

OP, if I were you, I'd just turn to prostitution.

I'm also skilled in RADIOTELEGRAPHY including GMDSS and MORSE CODE.

I've actually used that machine in R40's pic. Still prefer my tablet.

Karen in Accounting will test you now. You did bring your own abacus, didn't you, OP, you little puss, you?

I'm sorry, Miss Wilson. Your blood test came back positive for mimeograph-purple-juice addiction.

How is your telegraphy? Up to snuff?

OP, I suspect you would be an Extraordinarily Special Temp - and temping might allow you to bring make your skills even more relevant to current work place standards.

Now, how do you feel about working with Coloreds and Nancy Boys?

OP, I would suggest you buy a BIG clock and try to turn back the hands of time to get back to the place where you came from...

Also a clip-on tie and short-sleeve dress shirt, and maybe some horned-rimmed glasses...

And your enthusiasm is...uh...bordering on delusional, but you may find employer-paid mental health coverage if you are fortunate.

OP,

Do you like to huff mimeograph ink?

You certainly have the qualifications and the look of the type of outstanding young man that most modern offices are looking for...

P.S. Don't forget to check out the girl named Joan with the big tits in Accounting - word is that she's on the Pill and she's easy. But a handsome young man with your qualifications should have no problems finding all the easy women you would ever want. (And we all KNOW how much they want it - regardless of how they protest, eh?)

I'M ALSO A BUG CHASER BUT I GUESS THAT IS IRRELEVANT

Never mind the naysayers, OP! We will send you an answer by post, but off the record, I think you've got the steno position in the bag.

No to the lady named Joan. I am a PRACTICING HOMOSEXUALIST. I hope that is NOT a PROBLEM for you.

If you tried Porn OP? I heard it's great for the self esteem!

Can you bring your own slide rule?

I do hope you enjoyed your extended coma, OP.

You certainly seem rested and enthusiastic about returning to work

Give my girl a call at ENglewood-3-9975 about setting something up.

Perhaps we can meet for lunch at Maxwell Plum's on 64th - I do hope you like Martinis.

When you get your new job, OP...

Be sure to try out the Automat restaurants for lunch - so modern and convenient!

My girlfriend Cathy and I eat there everyday...

And So Many Eligible Men to Flirt With!

I have one word of advice for you, OP...

"Plastics"

OP was an operator on similar model.

Yes. MARTINI, DIRTY. WHISKEY SOUR and TOM COLLINS. Let's meet and share a LAUGH and perhaps a GIN RICKEY.

Here's an important tip for you, OP...

Never make the girls who operate the Switchboard angry.

One of my co-workers made that mistake and he couldn't get an outside line for months!

Oh! Many thanks R61. Perhaps we shall meet up for a cigar and a Brandy Alexander.

OP, I've heard a nice a young man like yourself can earn extra money for the rent by just hanging around the corner at 53rd and Third.

Regardless, I'd like to take you for drinks at The Townhouse.

Also, watch out for the Elevator Operators.

One of my co-workers made one angry just by copping a feel (she's obviously a lesbian)...

For weeks she stopped the elevator about a foot short of his floor and he had to crawl out on his hands and knees!

[quote]No to the lady named Joan. I am a PRACTICING HOMOSEXUALIST.

There is no place in American business for homesexuals, perverts, and child molesters.

I think we all learned that lesson during the McCarthy era - that stuff goes hand in hand with Communism.

You may want to look for some type of day labor down in Greenwich Village or the Lower East Side.

Or up in Harlem if you are into the Colored men - but I should warn you that our FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover has told us that Colored men carry many serious Venereal Diseases.

R65, Mary, you have way more to worry about that the homosexuals.

I do your wife's hair and she tells me all about your cruising the docks and the port authority, ya big bottom!

OP, meet me for a drink at Stonewall and we'll talk...

Let's all MEET up at the Waldorf for some jazz and drinks.

"Venereal Diseases"

Sir, please! The polite term is "Social Diseases." I cannot imagine anyone being so vulgar and uncouth to use your term in a PUBLIC forum.

Really.....

Call it whatever you want, R68...

But your Big Black Bucks are not only making your eyes roll back in your head...

When they slam their big meat into your mussy...

They're also giving your Syphilis and Gonorrhea according to Reader's Digest....

Not only are they spreading diseases...

But many of them are Negro Agitators who are using their Civil Rights protest to promote Communism!

I read the Saturday Evening Post too.

Why or why am I cursed with this insatiable itch for Big Black Cocks?

So, OP, how's the job hunt going?

Just how big is your slide rule, OP?

OP, have you considered Politics.

Young John Lindsay will almost certainly become President.

And the GOP will be soon be the only viable major Political Party in America!

Agreed, R73!

With his looks - John Lindsay is unstoppable!

Which type of tablet do you use, OP, clay or stone?

I mean no disrespect, but that's pure tommyrot!

If American ever has a President from New York...

It will most certainly be a Rockefeller!

Go for security, OP...

Blue Chip Companies like IBM, Lehman Brothers, and the big tobacco companies will always be successful...

And dominate American business

OP, 80 WPM is impressive.

If you can type with three carbons and no errors, we may have a place for you in the typing pool.

Of course, you'll have to do personal errands and 'favors' for any of the executives who may be interested...

But that goes without saying, I'm sure.

Our benefits are much better than TWA...

And we'll be around forever!

Pursue your personal hobbies. Investing in vinyl records sets you apart as a real up and comer, finger on the pulse, really with it type of person.

Air travel is just a passing fad.

I hear Pan Am will someday fly to the moon! The moon I tell you.

Not to mention that air travel is so glamorous and luxurious!

OP, if you could pass for female, you could try to get a job as a stewardess...

Is that future First Lady Laura Bush on the right at R83? And here I thought nobody could be as glamorous as Jackie!

A tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs, trying to turn itself over but it can't, not without for your help. But you're not helping, Why is that, OP?

No, sadly Pickles had never been outside of Midland when that photo was taken..

And as far as being a stewardess - it depends on your passengers.

That bitch Lucy is not as funny as you might think!

Retirement communities are a hugely growing industry, but often overlooked by jobseekers. Where I work there are always between two and three dozen openings.

I am LOSING WEIGHT and there is a PURPLE MARK on my foot that won't go away.

Do you consider those symptoms job qualifications, OP?

I hear the Nixon White House is hiring tech people. The just don't understand all this new fangled stuff. Dial them up!

OP, how's your short hand? Can it keep up with good one?

OP, if the light is too bright---do you trim the wick?

John Lindsay? That bastard gave me CRABS!

OP, can you do both Gregg and Pitman shorthand or do you only know that newfangled Speedwriting stuff none of your co-workers will be able to transcribe?

OP, you're dead. You are a ghost, a spirit. You've passed on! You are no more! You've ceased to be! You've expired and gone to meet your maker! You are stiff, bereft of life, you are pushing up the daisies! Your metabolic processes are now history! You've kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, and run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! YOU ARE AN EX-OP!!

There will be no job for you in this world. Check to see if St. Peter needs some clouds fluffed.

Stop posting about me like that, r96! I can't face it! I can't handle it! And I am not the OP!

So, did I get the JOB?

Rather than ask us, OP, you should rely on your faith.

I found OUT that I have full blown AIDS and there is no CURE at the present time.

Will this affect my EMPLOYMENT chances?

Go on Craigslist and find a job. There's a million of them.

Of course, you might want to start off in the services or personals, and go from there.

OP, you can borrow my Edsel to drive yourself to the interview!

Oh, for corn's sake, OP, whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not go out in your new blue jeans.

I MUST know. Do I have the JOB?

I MUST know. Do I have the JOB?

OP, did you get the JOB?

I think it's wonderful that the Nigerian Princess could take time out of her busy day trying to distribute millions from that Hong Kong bank where the Lagos royal family keeps its reserves to helpful Americans if only they would send $100 in good-faith postage and insurance relief services money and provide their social security number and credit card information to demonstrate faith,

to try to get a job in 1979.

God love you and blessings of Lord Jesus Christ on you and your famblee.

Edsels are cool. In the event of an EMP, they would be amongst the few cars still operational.

I think COBOL is probably more marketable than FORTRAN. At least in the business world.

So do I have the JOB?

While I do suspect that OP is also our beloved BILL TAYLOR, I just don't care. As far as I'm concerned, he can introduce five characters every month and I'd still be entertained. There is something about this guy I just love.

He's so freaking earnest, and I want to root for him. Brilliant!

Is this Bill?

This is the best thread in a long time.

OP,

Ginny in billing is set to retire next month. Let's set up a meeting. I'm at the Peninsula Hotel in LA.

I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

This thread makes no sense to me.

Dear Millennial, That is unfortunate, but I do salute you for honoring Data Lounge tradition by restraining yourself from using emojis here like some of our younger folks.

BILL TAYLOR, aren't you ... how shall I put this... a little FUCKING OLD to be looking for a job?

The OP said he's not Bill, R117.

OP, how is it that you can contact us from the year 1980?

So do I have the JOB? Am I the CANDIDATE you were looking for?

R120, only if you are ours in good faith. Also which church do you go to, and what is your age? Which clubs do you belong to?

I am 72 years old and I am a lifelong member of First Methodist on Oak Street and I am a Shriner.

HELLO MY FRIEND!!

Do I know you, R123?

OP is clearly HAL 9000.

I always knew he was gay!

0/10

Oh, Shit! I LOVE this DL Classic thread!

Thanks for Bumpin' it UP!

[quote] I am 72 years old and I am a lifelong member of First Methodist on Oak Street and I am a Shriner.

How do you reconcile that with being a known HOMOSEXUALIST? We are quite certain you linger in parks to EXPOSE yourself, in TOILETS to do the same, and MOLEST the CHILDREN while doing the same. That’s what all HOMOSEXUALISTS do. Fortunately you’re not a LESBIAN which is a double sin. LESBIANS fail to bear CHILDREN which is a SIN against GOD.

Dear SIR or MADAME,

Have I got the JOB?

Waiting patiently for INFO about the job. I'm a GOOD worker; loyal, resourceful, and PRODUCTIVE.