I am ready to give up. I cannot keep a job or find a single friend, and it has turned my lifetime of pain and loneliness into anger and bitterness. Former co-workers have bad-mouthed me to their colleagues, and cost me other jobs. This is after they said they would be references for me. This is not speculation; I know for sure, because the potential employers were friends in the same industry as them; and it is not 1 or 2, it is at least 5 (that I know of for sure) from completely different industries. Former friends ignore and avoid me until I give up and move on, and like co-workers, it isn't a few, it is all of them. This pattern of failure and isolation is torturing me, and I feel like I am cursed or hexed to fail repeatedly. My family is of no help whatsoever.
I know DL will question me, so here is my background. I have been to 3 different psychiatrists and psychotherapists (for a total of eight years; the current one, a psychiatrist, weekly for the last 6 years) and cycled through 6 different antidepressants. Each doctor insisted there is no personality disorder with me; that I have social anxiety and intimacy fears, and that I need to focus on the positive, keep trying and not give up.
I can't keep trying. I can't be positive when I have failed over and over again and see no change happening. I have asked for help; the help I need isn't coming from the ones I have asked.
Santeria poster, if you are here, please, I am desperate. I need to stop this pattern that is killing my soul. I am not worried about physically dying; it is my actual soul that is dying and I fear it will be lost forever. I need hope. I can't hope because things never change, and until things change I have no reason to hope, so I am asking for a reason to hope. You have mentioned in your posts how Santeria helped you through a very rough time and connected you with someone wonderful. I just want a good friend. 2 or 3 would be wonderful. I want to find and keep a job where I am not harassed or bullied, or become a magnet for an angry, toxic person. Or at least - I want to know WHAT I DID WRONG! If I could only know that - what I am doing wrong - that, in of itself, would likely turn my life around. I can't change behaviour until I recognize it.
If you could give me any advice - any prayer, ritual, anything to focus or meditate upon - or, if you know someone who could help me, please, it would make a world of difference to me. Please, I have exhausted every resource and don't know where else to turn.