A salute to Jerri Blank

Definitely potentially the best thread ever.

Packing a musket, by Jerri Blank.

When you work from your home and johns call on the phone... you're a [italic]call girl[/italic].

When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp... you're a [italic]street whore[/italic].

When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage...

"Scusa me," but you see, don't you touch where they pee... without [italic]coinage[/italic].

When I straddle and squat and show you my... [bold]JERRY![/bold]

My favorite anecdote was that during early production, Sedaris was trying to give the wardrobe folks an idea of how she wanted her character to look and dress. She told them she wanted to look "like someone who would own snakes."

I recently watched the first season of Strangers With Candy. It was... intermittently funny/wrong. Do the later seasons get better? And is it supposed to look so cheap? Loved Deborah Rush as Jerri's stepmonster, though!

I also remember a review that said something like Jerri's wardrobe was obviously inspired by Cloris Leachman's in "Phyllis."

Pee on me.

Amy Sedaris is brilliant. She's genuinely peculiar and I love that about her.

Babies don't cost money, they make money. Especially the little white ones.

Greeks are just Jews without money.

I like the pole [italic]and[/italic] the hole.

"Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods."

"Right now I'm as moist as a snack cake down there."

"Come on, I'll show you what I used to do with the donkey in Tijuana."

The buffalo committed suicide.

"I woke up with blood on my ass and then we got high. Good times!"

"Mr. Noblet, I need to be excused from class today because I have to go get my uterus scraped. I have a note."

"I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis."

"You know, I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed...really hard."

I've never seen this Jerri you speak of, but I think I'm in love.

Cancer?

That's HYSTERICAL!

It's also [italic]hilaaaaarious[/italic], R20.

Aw, shit. I got it wrong.

Babies don't COST MONEY they MAKE MONEY...especially if the eyes stay blue!

Yaaas

CANCER!!! that's HILARIOUS!!!

I like the hole AND the pole!

You don't want to beat me OR screw me? What kind of marriage is this?

"Hi. This is Wilford Brimley. Welcome to [italic]Retardation: A Celebration[/italic]. Now, hopefully with this book, I'm gonna dispel a few myths, a few rumors. First off, the retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does."

Protect me Satan!

"Think about it. I didn't."

R28 : "They'll come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows."

"Don't worry, Alan, I can't get pregnant. My ovaries are DISEASED."

Can you imagine how fun it would have been to grow up in the Sedaris family?

This woman was the inspiration for Jerri Blank.

I didn't even see their FACES much less get their names!

*continues to deep fry clams at his desk*

Talk yo monkey ass off!

Why does YOUR finger smell like HIS ass?

Jerri on hotel porn: “Pretty good movies. They cut out before the money shot but you can still see plenty of uh… pink."

Ah, Florida! Beautiful weather -- harsh penal system.

You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.

If you’re gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.

I've had lots of babies just none carried to full term

Extra! Extra! Read all about it...Jerri Blank pops STIFFY

Is that how they say hi in Whoreville?

One of the best scenes ever:

R47 funny when Jerri turns into an abusive husband.

I'm as damp as a cellar down there! All mildewy.

[quote] Can you imagine how fun it would have been to grow up in the Sedaris family?

It was clearly much less fun than you're imagining.

R49 : Enter... if you [italic]daaaaaare[/italic].

Gimme a V...A...G!!!!!

Ho..ho..hobo camp?

Jerri: it’s not what you think, it’s not like snitching on a real person or anything she’s— Mr. Jellineck: gay? Jerri: retarded. Mr Jellineck: haha, yes. most of them are. Jerri: most who are what? Mr. Jellineck: most gay people are retarded. Jerri: wait, does that mean kimberly timbers is GAY? Mr. Jellineck: ha, i don’t know! hey! make a pass at her and find out! she’d have to be retarded to turn you down! Jerri: haha, thanks.

i feel no shame, only pride because my syphilis is a badge of honor. it says that i’m not afraid to live. that i’m not afraid to take chances. oh, it may be some horrible disease that if gone untreated can lead to blindness, insanity, and even death…but it’s the only one i’ve got. i am both proud to be the host of this dance and the host of my virus. condoms are for cowards! who’s with me!?

Dear Diary,

I’m sorry for all those hateful, racists things I said about you. Everything has changed…I’m in love! …I’ve never been so happy, something you would never understand you dirty, dirty jew diary. Kidding! Just kidding.

"You've got 15 minutes to shove some pie down that hole of yours, and then it's camper time!"

"Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!"

She must of bumped her head on this a...shot glass!

R33

I went to see David speak last week.

It was about the death of his beloved mother, and the suicide of his bipolar sister, both within the last year.

It was hilarious- the entire theater was screaming in laughter.

Good times.

Black on white, outta sight!

Black on slope, there ain't no hope.

DON'T wipe your feces on the lamp shade.

I got here just as soon as I felt like it!

Why did you spread those vicious lies?

Because you didn't spread those vicious thighs.

Fandango?

[quote] She must of bumped her head

Oh, [italic]dear.[/italic]

BRING HOT FRUIT OR MEAT!

Beef curtains.

And as for that little spitfire Tammi Littlenut... let's just say the carpet matches the drapes.

jerri: so what’s so great about being a virgin, tammi? tammi: i’ve got something boys want and they can’t have it jerri: oh yea? what about girls? tammi: what? jerri: nothing, just testing the waters… tammi: jerri, all i know is that i’m saving myself for someone really special jerry: well i’m doing the same thing! but in between i’m screwin a lot of guys who aren’t that special!

you're worth the wait, jerri...i'm worth the wait...let's wait.

I did things I wouldn't force on a mule and that includes things I forced on a mule!

For reasons I'd rather not say, this is bitterly ironic.

i've had plenty of babies, just none I've carried to term.

The monkey's washing the duck!

"I haven't had a night like that since last night."

"There's gonna be hot fruit!"

This is my favorite from the otherwise disappointing movie:

JERRI: (under her breath) Faggot.

MR. NOBLET: What did you just call me?

JERRI: Whatcha think I just called you?

MR. NOBLET: I'd rather not say.

JERRI: Then I guess we'll never know . . . (LEAVES)

Geoffrey Jellineck: Yeah, I used to get stoned. A few years back, I was pretty down. I had just started this job, and my plugs weren't taking, my parents were brutally murdered, and I was fat. So I turned to pot hoping it would solve all my problems. But you know something? The only thing it fixed was my life. I know it feels good. I know we've all read the "scientific" studies that say it's not addictive and that there are no side effects. But scientists don't smoke pot. We do. And that's the difference. Look, all I'm saying is if you still wanna smoke pot, then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends. Think about it.

Paul Dinello had a nice bod.

WHET Paul Dinello?

[quote]WHET Paul Dinello?

He's a writer/producer and general right-hand-guy to Stephen Colbert on The Late Show.

Also now married (to a woman) and has a kid.

R59, their mother died decades ago.

Paul Dinello's sister was in my elementary school class. So there.

"I stoled the TV."

[quote]WHET Paul Dinello?

I hope the first thing that happened was that he went to a dentist. His awful teeth are very distracting in reruns.

Yes, Paul Dinello, so unattractive.

I love the episode where Jellineck picks an all-white cast for his production of "A Raisin In the Sun" and Jerri gets cast as the matriarch. All the black kids are relegated to being props/scenery.

R87...great episode.

"I already lost a tree due to an attitude problem!"

If you think about it, Jellineck was ahead of his time. In the 2004 Broadway musical CAROLINE, OR CHANGE, which takes place in Louisiana at the height of the Civil Rights movement, they had black actors portraying house appliances (e.g. washing machine, dryer, radio) and even a bus!

Cheerleading tryouts will be suspended until we recover form Jerri's shame.

I'm gonna make your pinky AaaaaLL stinky!

*shoves some teen away* I have something to say!

R11 protect me, Satan!

Being a single mother was a lot easier when I was neither single or the mother!

Peter Pan has gotten OLD!!!!!!

R95, isn't that the episode where step mom is passed out drunk and Jerri finds the drapes on fire and the curtain rod in the garbage disposal? God, that was funny.

Except for the burning sensation and the discharge, I feel fine!

r96, yes, that's the episode. It's probably my favorite episode of the whole show.

It was based on this afterschool special:

I love when the stepmother says she can quit alcohol any time, and to prove it, she flushes the mixers down the drain. haha

R86 You know how DL works--someone intelligent and talented, so a poster MUST comment on his teeth!

It's not always easy to do the wrong things the right way.

R86 And notice: He has his mouth closed.

SOme of these are priceless. I had forgotten how funny that show was.

I guess I do like black people. It just took a white one to prove it to me.

What I've learned today is that sometimes being ahead of your time gets you left behind. So follow what everybody else is doing and you'll always come out ahead!

Before I came here, I thought Indian culture had to do with ethnic pride and respect for nature and fighting for the return of rightful lands. But I now know that being an Indian is about scalping, drinking, and gambling.

I'd rather be unhappy and playing with average friends than be happy and beautiful with friends that are better than my old ones.

"I've changed. People change. Changes… I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans… such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes… last night."

Caaa ... caaaaa ... caaaaat!

Arbor isn't a real holiday, but neither are most of the Jew ones.

"Greek people are just Jews without money."

"Are ya' DEEF?"

Jerri to the hot dog vendor: "It looks like I'm fresh out of cash. I guess I'll have to find some other way to pay you."

Good Times (getting an STD)!!!

You can’t re-fry things, Jerri.

What was the episode where Jerri's stepmother came running into the principal's office and said "I came as soon as I felt like it?" Something about Deborah Rush's delivery of the line had me howling.

Yes, r116. That was a classic bit. Deborah Rush was fantastic.