For Singles: Be Honest - Why Do You Think You're Alone?

Cogito, ergo solo!

Because I'm a loser. I've known some real assholes throughout my adult life who had no problem finding partners, some same sex, others opposite sex. I'm almost 41. The only reason I'm still single is because I'm a loser.

I'm fucking weird. I also have pretty bad social anxiety so I'm awkward in social settings. I can act normal at work because I've go to support myself and I'm very competent there but I don't go out and socialise. I like to spend my days off in my house alone with my cat. I've actually met most of the guys I've dated at work sometimes bosses. I've had a lot of inappropriate relationships. I think with the amount of attention I've received in my adult life I'm pretty good looking but I'm always second guessing myself and usually don't have any confidence.

Past relationships were disasters. They left me so drained emotionally that I have nothing left to give anyone. Nothing.

Because I've had three LTR which have pretty much put me off ever doing it again. Because I need a lot of solitary time. More than a partner would be able to handle without feeling rejected and pissed off. Because I'm introverted and avoid most of the social invitations that come my way. And when I do go, I come over as reserved, and anyway at this age (40s) there are slim pickings, to put it mildly.

Easy. I met my soul mate - then realized only one of us had a soul.

Because I don't like going out at all. After work, I just want to read or watch TV; I don't wish to see a soul.

I even holiday on my own - I go diving in the Maldives for two weeks every March and have done for the past fifteen years. I have a favourite escort who I hire once a month for a few hours, and I don't want more than that. He's a beautiful guy and exactly my type physically. But those few hours a month are enough.

Just to add, I have been in two serious relationships but I ended up getting hugely frustrated with all the socialising and meeting the other guy's friends, plus the accusations of 'having no friends'. Neither of my boyfriends were divers and refused to go on a liveaboard in the Maldives, so I went alone and was accused of cheating.

Your life sounds idyllic , R7, lucky you

1) I need a lot of time alone. Maybe more than is conducive to a good relationship.

2) I'm drawn to guys who are way out of my league. I'm a 5 and I look at 9s.

3) I have intense sexual chemistry with guys I have nothing else in common with. Often sexually incompatible with guys otherwise on my wavelength.

4) Between taking care of my elderly mom and my job, it seems like it makes more sense to remain single. My mom's pushing 90 so I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with her. Doesn't seem fair to subject a BF to my current circumstances.

5) I might have become too critical to be in a relationship now. I have little tolerance for mainstream tastes - be it in music, food, whatever...

6) I suppose I'm also single because I'm good at coming up with excuses for not making it work with another man.

I live in a nondescript African country where being in the closet makes it hard for the gay men here to be themselves and this spills over ibto relationships. I also have major depression which manifests in anger making it hard for people to be around me. I'm in my early thirties. I however noticed the men across the border next to my country are more reasonable, better looking and hung like horses...and I found myself a really nice guy a few weeks back. I know I have issues, but your environment also plays a role in how relationships pan out. Different cultures will be more relaxed and 'nicer' than yours so there's no problem with jumping the ship in my eyes.

For years and years, I worked way too much. I was always working. When I had some down time, I wanted to be alone so I could unwind. I didn't make finding a partner a priority. I would not recommend my lifestyle. I sort of would like a partner now, but I'm getting older, and finding someone is much more difficult.

fear of commitment because trust issues because was molested as a kid by an older cousin. Im a nerd and always been shy, quiet, introverted. Always an observer, don't like to stand out. As a teen I became hyper sexualized. Don't know how to socialize. I suffer from anxiety and depression.

I don't know if its from being molested as a kid or because I'm gay and not out or both.

I get courage to flirt when I'm drunk- vodka, whiskey, tequila.

I know sex hook ups intercourse

I don't know love intimacy or a kiss.

I have many acquaintances but only really 3 friends, all male.

I could've been "married" at least 4 times in the last 10 yrs. But my fear doubt and worry made me break up runaway. I overanalyze over think everything just like a lawyer but especially relationships.

I'm 33, debt free and on my way to being financially set because I'm high functioning or more like can fake pretend in public everything is great but its not.

I regret it now.

I have the same partner for 26 years. It's permanent. Believe me, it is not a solution to all problems and poses it's own challenges.

Well... I'm kind of a bitch.

[quote]and poses it's own challenges.

Especially when it comes to your spelling R14.

[bold]its[/bold]

No one will touch you , Terry. You're dirt.

I'm ugly.

I am uninterested in sex of any kind, either giving or receiving. I have given up trying to find anyone else like me and, even if I did, I would never believe that they truly were uninterested and would always convince myself they were getting it on the side.

I'm a homebody now. I'm happy reading, watching TV or movies, being online, gardening, being with my animals. I get social interaction at work and that's enough, I have no desire to go out unless it's for a specific purpose.

I'd like a partner, but I don't need one. I also like me and how I live and I'm not sure how much of that I'm prepared to compromise. I know I come off very cold and aloof which doesn't help.

Because being in a relationship is too much work, and I am lazy.

I have a partner but we are more like drinking buddies and we only spend one night together a week. We haven' t had sex in years and won't, so I consider myself single. I think I am alone because I am average in every way and possibly too picky given what I can actually get. I'm pushing 50 and I may as well be invisible. I have no intention of seeking a relationship that involves sex, I'm done with it.

Like others, I am maybe a 5 or a 6, and I only want a 9 or a 10.

I not taking another man's crap like my friends seem to have to do in their long term relationships. I think too much of myself while I have to watch them crawl through shit to please their partners. Not me.

Because I *vant* to be alone, dammit!

I've never found anyone who makes me feel as good as I feel when I'm alone.

Because Dylan Sprayberry is unattainable to me.

if the age wasn't so young, I would think I wrote R1's on ambien

R7 and R27 make the most sense to me.

I was expecting to come back to this thread and find all kinds of attacks.

Good to hear I'm not alone.

(Well, I [italic] am [/italic] alone, but you know what I mean.)

R22 May I ask why don't you just end it then?

When I was younger, I bounced right back after rejection or a failed relationship. My most recent breakup, a year and a half ago, broke me.

"Like others, I am maybe a 5 or a 6, and I only want a 9 or a 10."

At least you completely understand the problem. It's a bit like being homeless because you only want to live in a mansion you can't afford.

I had a friend ghost me; yes, I was attracted to him; he claimed it was never an issue for him, so we get over it...or so I thought.

Then he changes jobs (stays in same town) and fucking GHOSTS me.

I hate him.

All (or most) of the above? Living alone is just... easier. (Can I borrow R7's escort, though?)

To quote an Alan Bennett character: "I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy about it."

I don't really want to live alone, but I'm used to it and it is easier. The only way it will change is if the perfect person happens to come and knock my door. In other words, it's not going to change. It's okay because it has to be. (I wasn't always alone.)

I'm funny and charming; the friend everyone wants. Of course, this gets me friendzoned immediately and no one (I'm interested in) wants to "mess up" the friendship. Dammit.

I don't do hook ups; I prefer emotion over action. (That and I am in the dreaded 40s now!)

Most of my friends are straight and are around 30. We always have a blast and no one notices the age diff, but, to an outsider, I look like their father.

People my age bore me.

R36 I'd love to date you. You're just my type.

I look great, so what. I am alone.

[R37] Thanks and much appreciated...unfortunately this is the DL :) We're supposed to be snarky and troll each other!

Why waste your life forcing something. The divorce rate is 50%. A lot of the guys I know in NYC who are boyfriends/partners/married are very needy and exhausting to be around.

No man has ever been able to answer my Riddles Three and thereby prove himself worthy.

Only about 2 % of the population is gay, so right there the numbers are working against most people posting here. In the best of times, we don't have a huge number from which to pick. The AIDS crisis cut into that number severely. Severely. Lots of us lost long-time partners at that time.

One can do one's level best to be partnered, but one does not control all aspects of that pursuit.

R40 is totally correct. I can't believe how needy these guys can be -- I keep dating people who seem so normal and confident and competent and then the moment you become intimate, you discover they are desperate for you to take care of them, or be with them all the time, or just soothe them... Why are so many gay men so incredibly needy? Are straight men equally needy?

R16, you po' old queen. "It's" is short for "it is". That was the intent.

You need to stop trying to be something without the skills.

R16 was right.

R44 is... not.

because I know that is what is best for me.

I have some health issues that make me very tired most of the time. I put on a good face for work, but after I'm spent and pretty grouchy. I spend most of my spare time sleeping.

My parents relationship I think is the biggest reason. They've been together for a very long time and I've seen the ups and downs of a real lifelong relationship. I don't think I'll ever be ready to deal with all the life challenges that kind of relationship would bring.

General introversion.

I'm 60 this year, so Strike One. Never been thin, never been athletic, never been good-looking, never been well-hung, Strikes Two through Five.

Got the good, kind, decent, smart, funny, successful, wild-in-the-sheets stuff down pat, but it's never seemed to be enough. Good thing I'm OK on my own, although a night or two of deep-throating would probably do me a world of good.

On the other hand, turns out I DO have more friends on Facebook than I think!

My penis is only 6.5 inches and as everyone knows, anything less than 8 inches is unacceptable.

I've been single for three years. I don't make any effort to meet anyone. My last relationship lasted five years. I wasn't in love. I don't want to date anyone else because I plan to relocate. I don't want to be bogged down in anything else serious in this city. Sometimes I think about dating but it's never a serious thought.

I'm in shape, intelligent and I have a very dynamic sense of humor. I'm also very attractive and well put together for a stud lesbian, so I don't have any problem attracting women. I'm probably an 8.5 at my best. I just have problems getting them to stay for a ltr because I'm mentally ill, unemployed, live with my mom at 30 (although this isn't uncommon for millennials) and recovering from a heroin addiction. And my car blew up so I don't have a vehicle for the first time in my adult life.

I ' m on my own because I got bullied at school for being effeminate (and I was-even I can see that) and so I have a very hard time trusting people. Also, and this is probably the biggest reason, I didn't ever see a gay couple who had what I would have wanted. So, no role models showed me possibilities. Even now I can only name one couple (hi Des and John) who have the relationship I'd like. The gay men I know who aren't in relationships have one thing in common-intelligence! So, I thnk that maybe you have to be a little stupid to be in a gay relationship because most of them seem to be about power games and dramas and eventually, once you stop fancying each other , you end up as sisters or roommates.

So many reasons.

1) I was a slut in my youth and never wanted to settle down, now I'm old and generally undesirable. 2) I'm clean and sober, which makes socializing with gays difficult. 3) I'm an introvert with social anxiety. 4) I'm short, fat, unhung and unable to bottom. 5) I'm an only child and have lived by myself since 18; The few times I've lived with someone else have been torture.

That was fun.

I'm a lesbian and I have found I don't like other lesbians all that much. I'm not into sports unless I'm playing them, and even then they are just for fun and I cannot stand the ones who take it so damn seriously. I don't like watching sports and I don't care who wins anything. I don't drink much and I don't want to date someone who does because I grew up with an alcoholic. I like feminine women but because I'm not really butch nor femme, I don't get approached anywhere. I've been told most don't even know I'm gay. I really enjoy being alone a lot of the time and women sometimes have an issue with that. I've had 4 LTRs and I'm tired of giving more than I receive. I enjoy sex but find a lot of lesbians don't seem to want it as much as I do when in a relationship and that causes issues. My last girlfriend really did a number on me. Oh, and I'm fat again after losing 80 lbs so I hate myself right now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without disdain. So I don't suppose anyone would want me in this shape. But that probably why I gained it after my last breakup. I think I wanted my fat shield back.

I've had some great relationships, but I've realized that I've also spent a lot of time, energy, money on so-so relationships. I'm somewhat introverted, at the very least comfortable doing things by myself (which can be a helluva lot easier); and I have moments of wondering if I'm subconsciously closing myself off, but my attitude at this point is that it'll be excellent, well beyond so-so, or it won't be.

Sounds like there are a lot of introverts here.

I think I'm alone because, deep down, I want to be. I've had serious relationships in the past but the guys have always tried to pry me away from my life and my friends to be with THEIR family and friends. That's not cool. I shouldn't have to give up my life/family/friends to be with somebody.

I'm close to my family and I don't want to give them up in order to be with some guy. Just not worth it to me. Blood is thicker than water.

R55 I've noticed not too many women really enjoy alone time also. An ex of mine once got mad at me for not texting her enough while I was busy at work lol. It seems if you're on good terms with your girlfriend she will want to be with you constantly. I guess that's why guys sometimes start arguments with their girl for the sole purpose of getting away from them lol.

I've never felt like I could "connect" with other people on a real level. I never had many friends but was always "socially acceptable." But I long to have a "core" group of friends. It kind of brings a pang of jealousy to see groups of guys who go on trips, go out drinking, etc. regularly. I have never been included in anything like that. I like to think my life is less superficial than lying on a rich guys boat somewhere in a speedo with a bunch of other speedo-clad guys but it really isn't. At the end of the day, short of curing cancer or inventing the electric light, I feel like our lives don't matter in the long run and I think maybe I should quit doing animal rescue and just go to the gym 3 hours a day, maybe I'll have more fun.

I had 2 relationships and fucked them both up. The second guy was so unbelievably perfect for me (and I for him) but I damaged him so bad he wants nothing to do with me and I'll always regret that despite telling myself it was because I was young. I'm self-centered and like having my "space," so I'm afraid I'll damage someone else. Plus I just haven't met anyone who gave me a spark. I tried to get my last guy back for years, and finally ended up not wishing I could have him back but that someone else would come along who'd make me forget. Hasn't happened.

The human race seems to have decided I'm good enough to fuck but don't deserve love. I can't do it anymore I meet someone I feel like we could have something special we start dating maybe fucking and they leave me to be someone special. I don't understand exactly what I'm lacking. I'm okay looking but I guess I'm just not very likeable or lovable.

If it's any consolation loners, I miss the time I used to have to myself. I'm not going to end this relationship but there are times when I wish I could just to have some time alone and not answer to anyone. It's not that I'm doing anything that I can't or wouldn't tell him about, I just resent the expectation that I have to tell him.

I've always been a big believer in "Everyone Gets to Have His Own Life" but I feel less and less as though mine is my own after all these years.

I am good looking and have no trouble attracting men, but I have two beautiful but protective Bengal cats and these seem to deter many of the guys who come back to my apartment with me. The bigger Bengal, Jagger, has even attacked a couple of guys.

They're good cats though and I wouldn't be without them, so anyone who partners up with me has to get their stamp of approval first.

You deserve to be single and alone R62.

That's spiteful, R63.

Do you think I should rehome my Bengal babies, Jagger and Harry Styles?

I've been single for over 15 years. No one will touch me. I've actually shocked healthcare workers during regular HIV testing when they discover I haven't had sex in over a year. It's because I'm ugly. People won't tell me that because they don't want to have to be the ones to say it, but it's because I am ugly. I'm a 3 on my best day. Frankly, I wish I were dead. I hope for it every night. Beauty is important, im afraid.

Why are you still testing for AIDS and STIs when you've been celibate 15 years?

If you're genuinely ugly, try to work out what makes you fug and consider plastic surgery to improve these features. Nearly everyone can get a good body if they eat right and work out regularly. Ugly feature such as baggy eyes, big noses, thin lips, receding chin can all be fixed now.

There are double amputees out there who find love, R65. You shouldn't give up.

R60, very similar to my life.

because I choose to be

1. I've become a curmudgeon at 49. And looking back at my past behavior I realize I've been in training to become this grumpy older man all my life! 2. Never was particularly good looking. 3. Only child who was grew up in very isolated circumstances. 4. Abject fear of emotional intimacy. 5. Occasional episodes of bat shit crazy behavior. 6. Very little native wit or humor.

Because my first name is Jaded and my middle name is Bitter.

Golly [R66] it's that easy??? Why didn't I think of having massive plastic surgery? By the way, will you be paying? I definitely can't afford that but perhaps you are willing? Thanks in advance!

I am one of those people who can't manage normal times, but I'm stellar during disasters and high stress events when other people fall apart. So there is nothing to do but bide my time and wait until they need heroes. They always do, sooner or later.

I so want to answer R41's questions

R69 's self knowledge is kind of inspiring.

I'm just not aggressive enough. I wait for people to approach me, which rarely happens anyway.

I was never a drinker so was never part of the gay bar scene. So many people seemed to have made friends and found partners there.

I spent so much of my life pretending I wasn't gay that I have a very hard time sending gay signals to other gays.

I don't like hanging out with gay people that much

Bingo r78. You win the prize money 💰!!

For some reason the US has started avoiding the elephant in the room when it comes to sex and relationships--that being, of course, physical attractiveness. Everyone likes to talk about how it's what's on the inside that counts and that if you can't find a companion it must be because of a personality flaw or the fact that you just haven't found "The one" yet. The truth, which everyone just conveniently forgets, is that looks ARE very important, as r65 has discovered. You can have the greatest personality on earth, but if you're sickening to look at, nobody is going to want to sit with you long enough for you to show it off. It's sad, but it's true, and I don't think we're getting anywhere pretending that it isn't the case.

I could never live with someone else. I can't be with the same person for long stretches of time. I like being alone. I love to see my friends, I have a group, we go out for drinks and hang out maybe once a week or three times a month, and that's enough for me. I'm a movie and television addict who also love the occasional book, video game and just hang alone listening to my favorite albums. This - along with seeing my friends for those evenings a month - is how I like to spend my time. I don't have a great job, but the job I have is good enough for me. I own my own small apartment but it's fine for just me. Other than that I have little ambitions other then performing well in my little corner of my workplace. I'm also pretty lazy. Sometimes I wonder if I'm lonely. Sometimes I feel lonely, but it passes rather quickly. I think about having to spend a lot of time with one person and the loneliness disapppear.

I'm 32 and alright looking (some would say hot, some would definitely not, but I can find people to have sex with and I find most people have something that's sexy about them) but I'm very thin. I have Crohn's disease, which is fine, but due to that I'I unable to bottom (I also get tired easily), and the problem is that I'm all bottom. This is also a reason why I'm not really looking for a boyfriend. I'm also pretty kinky, I'm submissive and I enjoy a lot of stuff that kind of makes up for not bottoming, but the kinky tops I've met I've had little in common with besides the sex for it to become anything more. My sex drive also comes and goes. I can go loooong stretches without sex. I'm masturbate a lot (I love porn) but I don't need another person that much, and when I want sex with another person it's mostly during the summer months (I live in a cold, winter country). If I would get a relationship it would be an open one, but even then I think I would need to much time alone for any boyfriend to tolerate.

Am I happy, period? No. I'm pretty cynical. But I get enjoyment, sometimes happiness, from a lot of things. I wouldn't call myself unhappy. And mostly I'm fine with that. Maybe I'm afraid of trying? Sometimes I wonder that. But if I'm content with what I have, should I beat myself up about what else I could have, even if I'm not sure I want anything more? I don't know.

So, what'a wrong with me?

Because I always fall in love with my best friend. If someone likes me i think something must be wrong with them. I'm kind of shitload of issues.

R81, what is it about Crohns that makes you unable to bottom?

tl;dr I'm selfish and shallow

Lots of Aspies on this thread, plus the defeatist spaz at R71 who wants to die because he's so ugly, but won't for a minute consider any form of plastic surgery.

I've always gone after the guys I wanted, who usually either didn't want me or didn't love me. Meanwhile I ignored the ones who did want me, because I wasn't interested in them. So, I ended up with nothing.

[R81] I've had a lot of painful problems "down there" with flare ups, and for some reason it has made me super tight. Like, impossibly tight. I've had procedures done twice to dilate/widen my rectum, basically, but it has never stuck and in a few days it has tightened up again. I've tried on my own, partners have helped, training, etc, but in my case practice has never made perfect. And after so many years I've just quit trying. It's exhausting.

Fair enough, R87.

There are plenty of men who aren't into anal anyway and just like oral. You should go online and search for them.

[quote]For Singles: Be Honest - Why Do You Think You're Alone?

Could it be this?

[R88] People say this but it's honestly not something I come across a lot. I'm sure they're out there but it seems to be a small percentage. Anyway, that's not the only reason I'm single, like I said in my original post. I don't even know if I'd want a boyfriend if sex was easier for me! I just don't know. But thanks anyway, R88 :-)

I like being in control. I find it difficult to give of myself to others.

When I was younger, I wasn't sure what I wanted in a relationship. Was I a top or a bottom? I enjoyed both. I was never sure if I was "strong" enough to be the dominant partner in a relationship, yet I didn't like the idea of giving up control to a dominant person in a relationship situation.

Also, I've always been sarcastic/witty, so this distanced people with whom I probably could've been in intimate realtionships.

Not thin white or rich. And I AMA recovering drunk; can't remember ever having sex without booze and/or pot involved. Got sober, got fat, got 45 years old and suddenly I wasn't in demand anymore. Dropped and was dropped by my so called friends-the only thing we had in common was drinking and bar hopping. I've met so many losers and psychos - I was even sexually assaulted once. Now I don't drink I live alone, I have a decent job and I keep the focus on me. Like a lot of people in this thread, I do t have the energy or emotional stamina to give to another person. I've gotten used to living alone. I too have an elderly mother who isn't in the best of health and a 😝 older brother-they are enough for me right now. Most gay men suck anyway. I just want to be left alone and live out my days trying to make it. I don't believe in love between men. Life ain't no fucking Gordon Merrick novel. I don't believe in happy endings or any of that bullshit.

I was single from 1998 to 2010. I re-lit an old flame. We moved in together. Five years later we got legally married. I'm no great catch, and he is a dear sweet man. Sometime, I just want him to go visit one of his sisters so I can have a little me time. But all in all, I'm glad I'm not alone. I will retire soon. He owns his own business and will never retire. I was lucky. It's hard for people to find kindred spirits. All the rules have changed. I think what scares most people is letting their guard down. I do wish all the best for you single people looking for mates.

Straight female, 59, got emotionally hurt (dropped) by a first boyfriend - a relationship which had lasted an unbelievable and intense 3 to 4 years - starting at 16.

Second relationship - He was into his career (talentless film director) so 20s were wasted on that soul-destroying experience.

Started feeling unwanted. Met someone 14 yrs older, dated for 5 years, emigrated to his country and i promptly left him after 4 months (he drank and strong hints of incestuous acts towards his adopted daughter).

I drank. Throughout it all. From 20s onwards. Remained functioning but very depressed.

Wasted mt 40s on a married man (classic tale) but it wasn't too hard to figure out that I loved my isolation. I would be happy to see him and even happier to see him go.

Late 50s now. Been single (truth hurts to admit) since 2009. No action whatsoever. Stopped the booze. Never did drugs. Was considered attractive, that look is coming back slowly. (Drinking ruins your looks and is aging and physically debilitating).

Started going on line for long term partners. Just started last week. But as MANY of you have said in many different ways, not only is it hard to find someone reasonably compatible, but I am quite happy with my life consisting of 2 cats and a bunch of good, trustworthy neighbours.

I have PEACE in my life. Serenity. But it does get lonely. Late 50s for a woman is challenging but you do read stories about people meeting each other and I am (after everything I just said) an extremely optimistic person. But when you get burned emotionally, those are extremely deep wounds or scars. So I am on High Alert. I won't be taken. Those days are over.

It's easy to be single if you're a natural introvert and have tried your best with relationships.

Pray that you never get seriously ill, though, because you'll have to hire gross phone goats to do what a loving partner would have done willingly and carefully.

Im alone because I was a self centered narcissistic who spent most of my life coasting by on looks and boyfriends and trick and bars. All of a sudden,at 42 I had 2 heart attacks ,lose my job and move in with my elderly mother. Within a couple of years the recession was in full swing,all my money was gone and I was virtually unemployable. My looks have faded,Ive put on 50 lbs,my hair has gotten very thin and I now wear partials. All of these delightful things, coupled with the fact Im broke and still living with mother and over 50 ,have guaranteed that I will die alone in some alley clutching an md 20/20 bottle.

I cant even be bitter about it all and blame everybody else for my lot in life,for if there was a bad choice to make in any situation,I made it.Over and over and over. I look at this slow rotting as penance.

R96, you were just doing what so many other people do between 20-40 (including me).

You certainly don't deserve two heart attacks and losing your home and job. It's sad to hear you being so hard on yourself. Lots of guys are bald; it's not unattractive and there are definitely guys out there who like more meaty men, too. All is not lost! Try getting back out there.

I agree totally wiyhout any hesitation with r97.

R96 - Look around you - a lot of folks are also living difficult lives. Key is picking yourself up. NOW!

It won't happen overnight. But every day you (having set your goals/aspirations asap) you move like a turtle (slow and steady) towards your goals. Keep those negative and self-blaming thoughts away. They are eating you up.

I know a little bit about what I am advocating. If you put a small; tiny fraction of energy starting today....you will be startled, shocked at the changes you can effect in your life.

A therapist (who I saw once or twice - she told me I didn't need to see her after only 2 sessions) - asked me "How do you do it?"

I said to the therapist "What do you mean - 'How do I do it?!?"

She said: "How do you turn things around, get over bad experiences?"

I responded: ""I wake up every morning and I press the Happy Button."

The therapist was silent for about 5 seconds. Stared at me. Then she quietly but deliberately phrased her response to me which was:

"Do you realize most people don't think they have a CHOICE?"

Confused, I said: "Choice? What do you mean?"

The therapist repeated: "Most people don't realize they have the power to make CHOICES how they feel, act, think, behave."

There was silence. She said "You know need to see me anymore." I was SO disappointed!! I wanted to dig deep, have a good talk. She sent me on my way.

I never forgot that conversation. And I am repeating it to you r96 so you take out of it what you need.

You are not me. But take heart. Find that voice and......try. Just try.

Correction: ....."without any hesitation....."

Second correction: "......you don't need to see me anymore...."

I'm old so I'm really not gay anymore. I've always been single. a time or two I thought of a relationship but I never found anyone I really could stand to be around for the rest of my life. When I was active I never really found any real substance in gay relationships. I'm sure that's why I'm still single today approaching 75. I have a few straight friends they say they experienced the very same thing and straight men and they have remained single too.

People suck 😡🙄😔😒😖😫😩😯😤😭😪🤐🤕

What ?

The fact that I weigh 302 pounds may have something to do with it.

What R5 said, and R3 ("I like to spend my days off in my house alone with my cat(s)").

[quote]I'm sure that's why I'm still single today approaching 75.

I recently read Professor Oliver Sack's life story and his complete astonishment of "finding love" with Billy Hayes at age 75. I can't imagine what that must have been like for Sacks, an intensely private person who led, as he described it, "an active life of solitude".

^^^ Sacks'^^^ or ^^^Sacks's^^^

Honesty is attractive. So plenty of attractive types on here. A lot of married people are living lives of 'quiet desperation' , you know. Better to be honestly yourself and see what that brings.

If being single creates the bitterness I see here, I'm so glad my partner and I found each other.

There's a lot of "I'm single because people are awful" - take a long look, you're single because YOU are awful.

Oh shut up, R109. Noone cares about you and your fattie schlub 'hubby'

r109 Admit it, both you and your partner are so unattractive nobody else would have either one of you. Consider yourself lucky.

This grease fire has your name on it R109.

[quote]Only about 2 % of the population is gay, so right there the numbers are working against most people posting here. In the best of times, we don't have a huge number from which to pick. The AIDS crisis cut into that number severely. Severely.

You're not kidding. We used to be 10%.

Just sayin' if everyone you meet is awful, then they're probably not the issue.

I loved a man for twenty years who couldn't love another soul if he tried, and wasn't sexually attracted to me. But I gave him all of my love. And now I am empty- I don't think or know if I can love that hard again. I use to blame my looks- but I lost a ton of weight over the last six years, and look better than most people my age (51). I use to say I 'm a loner- but I realized that that is only because I have never met the right company for me. My problem is that I have never met the Elvis to my Ann- Margret. I have never met the guy who gave the same feeling I had growing up as a kid on the beach- that easy, lazy feeling of just being one with something. I have never met anyone who was as smart as me, or was willing to teach me new things. Or understood my wit and played off of it.

Except for straight men. I am always, always, attracted to the straight guy without fail. Gay men have always seem like snobs, and so insecure and shallow. When I first came out they were cold, rude, bigoted, and nasty to me- and I never gave them a second chance. Straight men are more relaxed, comfortable, and sure of themselves. They don't need to talk about everything, and quietness is a language that I enjoy. A friend's wife use to stay that if there was a room of twenty men and nineteen were gay and one was straight that would be the one I would pick. She was absolutely right.

So with these sins I am alone. I was an only child so that helps me stay entertained. I too can lose myself in a book or a movie or music. I have a great big dog, and I enjoy him for the most part. I have an excellent job. Excellent family and friends- all straight. I have colitis- right meds I am fine. That is my only health issue. And I think I 'm a decent, good man. But I realize that I am avuncular in many ways as I age- maybe that's my place in society. As I have said before : being gay has never profited me.

I was in a relationship with a person that ended up cleaning out my bank account and stealing a lot of furniture on the way out. One day he just disappeared and I never heard from him again.

I realized then I was terrible at picking partners (last one was a messed up alcoholic) and I'm too old to keep allowing people into my life that are just going to take me to the cleaners one way or another.

I was very emotionally drained by this last incident and have been depressed ever since, not because I lost the person, but because I realize I have no instincts about people and can't afford to be stolen from any more. I'm too old for this to happen again. I finally realized I don't really feel comfortable around people any more, and I'm not going to make such an effort about it if this is all I can get.

never thought this thread would generate so many heart-warming stories

too bad we can't all meet somewhere real to share more, possibly see if there were maches.

R115, your words struck home for me: "I have never met the guy who gave the same feeling I had growing up as a kid on the beach- that easy, lazy feeling of just being one with something. I have never met anyone who was as smart as me, or was willing to teach me new things. Or understood my wit and played off of it."

I did meet one guy who was willing to teach me new things, understood my wit and played off it. He ghosted me. Supposedly, he's straight; I think when his kid grows up he might come out later in life, but he's so handsome he'll be able to enjoy it.

There are a lot of thoughtful commentators on this thread so... I'll give this a shot... I am in a relationship with a guy who's smart and sweet and kind and nice-looking and has a great job. Here's the problem: he's overweight. I don't care about skin color, eye color, hair color, height, or even if you have all your limbs. Whatever. But weight really is an issue for me, thinness is what it's all about in my sexual mind. When we first met online, the photo he sent was of him a year ago, when he was 35 pounds lighter. That was kind of creepy, but as he said, I probably wouldn't have met him otherwise. And we really do gel in so many other ways. So... what do I do? I've asked him to lose the weight but he's had a lot of stress in his life, which he says causes his weight gain... so he hasn't. Am I being so superficial I will end up, like most everyone else on this thread, single for life? Do I look past the weight and see the lovely man within? I just don't know...

R118 I had a friend who gained weight after her last child was born. After the child had turned one her husband asked her to lose weight for two reasons: health and sex. He was kind and understanding. He even lost weight with her. But she understood that he was sexually turned off, and that he needed to see her as a sexual being as well as a wife and mother. She was happy that he was so honest, and that their marriage was strong.

R118, I don't think you're being superficial; losing weight is smart for health and there's usually an underlying cause that results in the weight; deal with the issue, lose the weight, have a greater life.

So many excellent responses. Lots of honesty and self-awareness.

Nothing too extraordinary to add from my world. I swanned out in college, and was able to have many attractive guys (always playing safely) through the years, but wouldn't or couldn't invest in the available ones or the ones who really liked me. Instead, I focused on the straight guys, horribly, and in a I-wanna-end-it-all kind of melodrama. Somehow, pure friendship won out with about three of these limerence crushes. I am very lucky for this.

I was also an excellent and long-time caretaker for my parents when I hit my forties, until about age 52. This allowed for zero romance, only the straight crushes as I mentioned. Now, a few years later, I've gotten myself in shape and on occasions. attract guys. Thing is, consistently, it's just not a priority anymore. Libido has dropped, and I'd like to find the occasional rent boy to satisfy my needs. What I'm settling for is solitude, socializing with good friends (though could use a bit more), and it's mostly quite good, so far. Still, I'm alone, and those are my broad brush strokes as to why.

Why would you ask OP?

Do you believe everyone is "supposed to be" partnered, and must answer for it if they aren't? Why would you believe that?

[quote]too bad we can't all meet somewhere real to share more, possibly see if there were maches.

I was thinking the exact same thing. I bet more than one couple would result from a meet up.

I never wanted anyone who wanted me. No one I wanted wanted me back.

R123, most of these reclusive types tend to be perfectionists when it comes to looks. 'I was a 6 but I only wanted 8s and 9s' has been frequently repeated on this thread. This is the real reason they're all single.

What R125 said.

R122, I don't think anyone is 'supposed to be' anything -- except true to themselves.

I didn't want an answer from anyone in any negative way; I was just inviting people to share their experiences and thoughts in the hopes that we might all learn something, and maybe, feel a little bit less alone.

R125, I'm a 6.5-7 at best; but my penis is a 9.5 (meaning 8 inches, and really thick).

Doesn't that rate me a guy who's an 8?

Sometimes the dick ain't worth it, R128.

R129, you got that all right.

I honestly could care less about dick size; a good heart, sense of humor (and pecs!) turn me on.

R129,R130 Please leave your gay cards on the table by the door on your way out .

R69 that is scarily the same for me. i could've written all that down

I have a very wicked sense of humor, I pretty much only have a social circle of straight women (meaning I don't have a gay male posse to experience things/socialize with), I made a fake account on okcupid and the gay apps to scope out the type of guys there and I'm just not attracted to the litter there. Plus I'd feel awkward actually online dating considering I live in a midsize city with a pretty small gay scene. AND finally I think I come across as pretentious through my style. I just dont necessarily fit a certain type, at least not to men that actively seek a committed relationship. I'm still very young though so things will probably shift around a lot as time goes on!

I realized I am a "quiet" Borderline (as in Borderline Personality Disorder) a year and a half ago, and finding that out helped me realize why I am consistently disappointed in love. I want too much, and I give way, way too much to people in search of validation.

I am a raging storm on the inside, quiet and composed on the outside. It's always been like this. I prioritized chaotic relationships throughout my early 20s, now I'm almost 30 without much of a career to speak of. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. On top of that, I want to start having kids soon, and the idea of finding a suitable co-parent seems incredibly daunting. I'm cool with dying alone as long as I have the chance to be a mother.

This is easily one of the most honest and articulate threads DL has ever seen. Odd. It could have gone so differently...

I'm not sure of how to meet someone. I'm a gay woman in her late 30s.

Hey R62, I'm pretty hot and I have two Bengal cats too (they're well-behaved though).

My anus has cobwebs on it.

There's a guy who loves me, who would marry me, but I just can't get interested. Don't want to move near him, don't want to be around him for long periods of time. That's been the give and take my entire adult life. The ones I want to be with aren't the ones who want to be with me. I'd love to have a partner but I want one for keeps. Maybe that's why I'm being picky. Maybe that's why it might always just be me.

I have friends I am very close to, some family I'm reasonably close to. When I get down I try to count my blessings and the good things outweigh the bad.

I replied earlier in the thread, I am not hung up on looks. I'm probably a 5 or 6 but I'm a bit of a sapiosexual. I've been with partners all over the looks scale, but I can't get really turned on by anything but intelligence.

I look pretty good, but have health issues that leave me pretty exhausted most of the time. I also can't work much because of the same health issues, so sick and broke doesn't good boyfriend material make. That said, on the days when I'm feeling well, I'm lots of fun to be around and while I'll never have a gym body, my face is handsome, and I clean up nice.

It would take a very unique person to date me, and honestly, I doubt they are out there. Dated one guy for a minute until I found out his thing was "caregiving". That just seemed too fucked up for me, so I ended it.

R141, here's to more days where your handsome face can light up yourself and those around you!

And btw, exhaustion from within is usually better than exhaustion resulting from the wrong type of boyfriend.

I was always too much of a people pleaser. Being nice, friendly and a good listener is not what most gay men want. (Or what most women want in their men either). They all want the ambitious, assertive, take charge alpha who is hung like a mule. 20 years ago when I was "dating" I remember a guy saying to me "You're so nice and caring" and there was definitely an undertone of disdain. The qualities I have are not what other men want or what our society values. Often I feel I've outlived my values as society has changed. Everyone says they want those qualities in a partner but it's a lie like "it's what's inside that matters"

Meet Up Group: The DL Solo Voyagers of (whatever city/region)

Purpose/Mission: To get the socially awkward, self-defeating/defeated wrong-thinkers, can't be bothered, don't give a fuck, and the mildly curious off their bums and their couches, out of their basements and caves and into a public venue to stare, smile, cringe, exclaim, exchange thoughts and ideas with the like-minded and the kindred.

What to Bring: Your authentic self. Leave your facades, mobile phones and other personal devices at home. Also, something to share with the rest of the mob, e.g., drink, food, or personal item.

Meeting Venue: Park, beach, river front, museum, town square.

I have terrible teeth, and I've never done drugs, I graduated from college. But if your teeth are fucked up, it doesn't matter if you're handsome or kind or have a huge cock. Because dental insurance covers nothing, and I have a disease that causes me to produce no saliva/trauma to my jaw, teeth knocked out.

I would do almost anything to be able to afford to go and get them taken care of once and for all, or even just have them pulled and given dentures (I am not yet 40).

I think about killing myself every single day. No one will ever love me because I can't afford to fix my teeth.

R136 I really suggest trying online dating. Have a friend help you create a profile if you're comfortable enough. If not, try to make one but act as if it's someone else making a profile for you. Try it out. Just have fun with it.

I don't meet my own moderately high standards for attractiveness and consquently don't expect to be found attractive by those I'm attracted todo don't even try.

*..attracted to and don't even try.

Ugh* ..so don't even try.

But what do you look like with your clothes off, Mary OP

Well, it was nice while it lasted, but right on schedule the thread has attracted the Auntie Mame/Life's a big buffet/feeling superior legion.

I'm not single, but when I was, it was a choice. I don't need a partner to feel complete, no matter what the dynamics. I'm also always prepared to walk if things get unacceptable, and oddly enough, this works, and I think it's mostly about self esteem. I come from a lousy background and had to work on that once I realized that no one wants to be around a depressed person. I'm about a 6, slightly overweight (about 10 lbs) and nothing to write home about, but I found my partner when I stopped worrying about it, accepted the good, worked on the crap part of myself (I was somewhat manipulative and needy) and posted this note on my mirror, at the urging of a female friend who had come out of a deep depression: Be a joy to yourself and others - changed everything when I really started to practice that. I stopped caring what I looked like and started caring. My husband isn't fantastic looking, but who cares? I've found that a lot of good looking men are lousy in bed. The one who aren't so hot tend to focus on other things that are, in the long run, more important.

R145, you can get a set of costume teeth on the internet for $50. You can't eat with them on they wear out every six months, but just attach them with denture adhesive and nobody can tell the difference from real dentures. It's enough to get a job or get a man in the door. The rest would be up to you.

I want monogamy in a relationship. That makes me an object of derision on DL, so you can imagine the proportions that takes on in the "real" gay world.

No, r154, it seems a lot of guys on this thread want that as well but for whatever reason, they don't feel they "deserve" someone.

And that's sad. We all deserve someone who loves us. Sometimes we get scared because we've been alone for so long and dumped so many times that we just can't believe anymore.

MAJOR obstacles to finding someone include the possession of any of these traits:

5) Obesity

4) Deformity

3) Chronic body odor

2) Ugly

1) Scary and/or shitty personality (psychotic, sociopathic, antisocial, etc.)

Good news! Even so, there's is still someone out there for you!

HOWEVER, if you keep yourself locked up indoors all day and away from other people, you will *NEVER* find someone to love you. So there's that.

I had a partner of ten years from when 19 until 29 who died in a car crash. Since then (I'm now 34) and I have zero interest in a relationship again to be honest.

This has been a pretty insightful thread, so I have a serious question:

Who in a relationship actually WANTS to be the caretaker? Doesn't everybody want to be taken care of? Don't people enter relationships because they want to feel safe, secure, appreciated, etc.? I've always felt that relationships should be equal giving-and-taking in emotional support, but it's like I NEVER see that. It seems like there's always an imbalance--one person is more high-maintenance, emotional, submissive, and insecure. The other person is usually more mature dominant, protective, and caring. I've always wondered... what the hell does the latter person get out of it? And I'm not saying this as any kind of attack on the former example (I would probably fit into the former example as well). I'm just genuinely curious. Is it a case where both parties see the companion as the caretaker, instead of feeling like they themselves are the caretaker?

R145, you need to get a bank loan and fix your teeth.

Sell your car, re-mortgage your house. It's one of the easiest things to fix about your appearance and there's no reason not to do it. Unlike most cosmetic surgery, no-one is going to side-eye you for it.

we waste a lot of money on shit we don't need, but I agree with R159; here's the thing, between you and me, your face is the first thing people will see.

I didn't want to be longterm partnered up in my 20's and mid 30's. Too much dick to chase. I had sleazy bathhouse/bar/gloryhole/craigslist anonymous onetime hook ups, friends with benefits, brief relationships for a couple of weeks, relationships that just lasted a season.. summer flings etc... I had year long crushes... love affairs. Longest lasted 18 months monogamous. Then in my late 30's I devolved a major medical problem. The only reason I got partnered up was because i'm to sick to party or do much of anything. So I got with this emotional Nellie caretaker.....OMFG what a fucking nightmare. Even when I was having a good day he would try to bring me down, it's like he needed me to be sick so he could get his caregiver needs met. He was so controlling, arrogant, and condescending combined with his low self esteem, self loathing and chronic negativity. He fluctuated between neediness and nastyness. I had to dump him. So now i'm sick and alone. But i'm much happier this way! So basically i'm single because i'm flakey, can't settle down, sickly right now and in general i'm a loner and introvert. I only want to be around people when they are a source of entertainment, amusement or sex for me............ or me entertaining, amusing or sexxing them. I don't want to be around people when i'm not "on". I don't want them in my personal living space.

I think I'm too much of a mess for a bf

Words cannot express your lack of self-awareness R161.

So clean up your mess, R162. You're probably being too critical of yourself.

yeah maybe R164, but if u call doing your undergraduate degree in your thirties, no car, no savings and a ton of debt plus I'm a prescription p addict a mess i'm your guy

One word: MONEY. I have been self supporting since age 20--put myself through nursing school, paid off my (admittedly smaller than it would be today) student loan pronto. So I missed the occasional party or night out at the bar because I picked up extra shifts. (Still had plenty of time to party, however). NEVER racked up any credit card debt--was always appalled when I saw friends racking up debt on clothes, trips, and gifts on their (usually transient) boyfriends. Developed a strong independent streak while building a pretty decent career--moved up the management ladder and got better and better jobs through the years because I paid attention to my skills and fostered good interpersonal relationships in the workplace--never quit on a whim, always tried to solve problems. Watched in dismay as friends and acquaintances squandered money, entered into disastrous domestic situations, co signed for each other for things they neither needed or could afford. Lots of "love" got drained out of those relationships, believe me. Developed my own interests and intellectual development--books, museums, music, theater.

I never made a fortune (after all, I was a NURSE!) but am now a homeowner, still zero debt, paid off car, able to retire comfortably three years ahead of schedule, and sitting on a comfortable nest egg. I am able to be generous to friends and family--never really wanted children, so I'm lucky there, but I have siblings, nieces and nephews whom I enjoy. I just think from an early age I valued independence, hard work, zero debt, and saving over the fleeting, impulsive and sometimes financially disastrous "relationships" I saw ravage others' lives, even as they advanced into middle age. I had plenty of sex during my partying years. Do I miss it now? Not so much. I have a great life and am extremely grateful for it. My heart breaks for those of you who have had bank accounts drained and items stolen. It must be devastating.

R165 At least you're in school. You're taking initiative to better yourself. You realize that you have an addiction. You're aware of your financial situation. You just need to keep on trucking, obtain your degree or what-have-you and then work on obtaining a career after you finish school. It would be in your best interest to maintain some friends with benefits rather than be in a relationship until then; you don't need the additional stress. The car can wait until you're able to afford one. If you don't live in a remote area, having a car isn't an immediate requirement. The financial issue--student in debt--is probably exacerbating the stress that you're feeling from your overall situation. Many a person much older than you has started from scratch and turned out to be successful. You're just being hard on yourself.

But you need to see a doctor about that pill addiction; or at least a therapist, which is most likely covered partially or in full--up to a point--by your student medical plan.

thanks R167

R145? I have two words for you: dental schools. They will often pull teeth for next to nothing so the students can practice. And don't worry - they get graded so the instructor is there observing them every minute.

Good luck!

Bump

This thread had me feeling nostalgic and horny for the guy I had a two year casual but regular hook-up relationship with. We stopped communicating in March; I stopped initiating texts/conversations and he just fell silent. It hurt but I figured something had changed. I looked him up last night and yep. His status changed to "In a relationship" in January. We fucked in March. Ouch. I knew we weren't exclusive, but I expected and deserved his honesty on this. Now I'm hurting all over again. Fuck love.

“Ah look at all the lonely people ...” - Eleanor Rigby, the Beatles

Well, the best part of this excellent thread is the realization that there are so many of us out there. But unless someone is really old and/or seriously ill being alone is in most cases nothing else but a choice. At 53 yo, decent looks and shape with 3 LTRs behind I have greatly reduced romantic interests, efforts and expectations. Reaching middle age (started it late) for me is not about the decline of physical looks or sexual drive, there are more significant factors like ageism, prior experiences, death - to be concerned with. With getting older it is indeed harder getting involved in a relationship. Not impossible by any stretch ... however it is rare. So let’s not immerse ourselves in self-pity, there are options, there are choices. Being alone does sometimes suck, but it is not the end of the world.

I love spending time alone and am rarely if ever lonely. I've been in love twice, but they weren't exactly in love with me, and I will never seek out that misery again. Plus, I feel no real obligation to marry myself off, I never did.

I've been sober many years ( I am 50), and have lots of friendly acquaintances (even young hot ones) if I want to have dinner or hit a movie. I observe most couples have an unlimited appetite for bickering with and whining about their partners, and I have zero tolerance for ANY of that! Why would I change how I've always lived for a lot of drama?

[R145} You can get beautiful teeth in Mexico at very low cost. It is what I have to do because Medicare doesn't cover dental. I need $7000.00 worth which i can get for about 67% of what it would cost here.

R145, start a GoFundMe page. You'll need to post a few photos, though, if you truly want the cost of your dental work to be covered by generous donors.

DON'T have your teeth removed; opt for implants, braces, and whatever else it takes to get your perfect smile.

Be sure to post the GoFundMe link here so we can contribute, too. Best of luck and don't give up!

I'm effectively a hermit - in my 40s.

I discovered just last week having paid no attention to bullshit horoscope nonsense that Cancer (gay) men are often hermit-like. I read the two bit profile description and thought, damn, that's just like me.

Go figure.

In all these posts, only one person has mentioned vacations and I think they were British.

Do singletons tend to avoid going away on long vacations?

[quote] My heart breaks for those of you who have had bank accounts drained and items stolen. It must be devastating.

It is.

R177 There is surely a niche in the market for Loser Vacations: holidaying with other no-hopers but on the clear understanding that you're not there to make friends... A dating version would work quite well, I think, but people would have to buy in to the mordant irony of it and accept that they're a loser - no fakery, "I could have been..."

I think a solo vacation sounds lovely. I imagine there could be a lot of serenity in it. But I have a partner so I can't do that.

Why is that R180 ? Does he have you chained to the kitchen stove?

No, but we can only afford one big vacation a year, so of course we do that together.

R180 -- You people who are single don't understand that most of us in relationships have given away our freedom for a companion. I can't go anywhere alone. My partner is a sweet man but jealous of me and my time. I don't get to see my friends as much as I'd like and I certainly don't get to travel alone. Ever.

I'm 44 and have never been in a relationship in my life. The reason is I'm bipolar I have made it my life's work to move around as much as I possibly can and not settle down. Surprisingly I've had a pretty great career I just keep taking it with me from city to city. I still hook up like I'm 29. Sadly i'm never satisfied with people for very long or cities so I pack up and move again. I've become friends with my moving Company because of the frequency that I pack up boxes and leave I know I have a problem I would never want to invite another human being into this mess of mental illness and space Ive created for myself. Therapists have tried with me and failed.

I am in a relationship and I do take one holiday a year alone. I live in London and I love snorkelling and beach holidays in general, so around October time I go to the Red Sea coast in Egypt for that type of holiday. I am out all day at the beach and on the reef and in the evening I usually read and then go to bed early.

My partner doesn't mind at all. We have another holiday together that is more cultural and sight seeing based. He doesn't like extreme heat or snorkelling, so he is happy to give it a miss. We did talk about it first and I made it clear I wouldn't go to any bars or clubs in the evening. I really wouldn't want to anyway.

We've holidayed like this for the past seven years and it's worked out fine.

That sounds wonderful, R185. My partner wouldn't mind either; I just wouldn't want to have my one big trip a year to be without him. If I could afford more trips, that would be doable.

FWIW, r177, I am single and traveled all over Europe when I was younger. Every year I would go to a different country - visited Egypt, Israel, Turkey, various Greek Islands. In 2001, I was transferred to our European office where I stayed for 6 months. It was great! I drove everywhere or took Ryanair flights. That was probably the best time of my life (up until 9/11 when my family went into panic mode because they were so afraid someone "would know you're an American and kill you!").

After that, when air travel became a monumental pain in the ass, I stopped flying so much. Then I bought a house - the house *I* wanted and it just wasn't practical to spend time and money flying overseas. I also adopted two wonderful dogs from a rescue. So now when I vacation, it's usually a long weekend within driving distance and that's ok. It's still fun.

Don't be afraid to travel alone! You'll run into some great and interesting people. And most people are very helpful.

I lost my "youthful" looks at 50. All the guys in their 50's I meet are waiting and pining for younger men. They don't want to date other 50 year olds. Or they are hideous and i don't want to date them. I broke up with my last bf at 46. I didn't want to get into another relationship right away but now I see that was a misstep.

I totally feel you ,R188. At 55,no one my age seems to be interested,though Im told Im still handsome. Whenever I sign up on a dating website,the ONLY ones who hit me up are the over 70 crowd or the truly repulsive. I would date a 70 year old in a flash,if he appealed to me,but even then the still good looking ones never do. Its the overweight,bald schlubs EVERY time.No, Im not evolved enough to see the inside over the outside,call it a character deficiency,but I still think Id like to date someone on my looks level even if they are 70.

At 55, you are probably best off trying to meet men through friends or in bars and clubs as a lot of 50+ guys just don't do the online thing.

R190 I don't find that to be the case. Not so many 50+ are on the cell phone aps but they are on the computer internet apps.

Anyway I have my share of fuck buddies at 54 but no romance. The last guy who wanted to pursue romance, is a fuckbuddy from a different class, education, income. Very hot fuck but I just didn't feel the pull for anything but the monthly hot fuck.

Whatever. Not really complaining, just contributing my experience to this thread. Had my share of relationships in life so I don't feel gipped.

R177 I travel solo or with friends. I went to the US recently. Solo travel is great. Don't like it here? Move on. Love this little town, stay an extra couple of days. No negotiating, no compromising, no being stuck somewhere you don't want to be. Works well.

Also, people seem to be more open and friendly to solo travellers.

Quite frankly, I cannot bear being in the same room with gay men anymore. I'm that bitter and butt hurt 😭. I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to date me. But I don't want to date them either. Can deal with all the BS some queens put you through. And it isn't only the bars, I've seen gays and lesbians at their very worst in all social interactions and I just can't anymore.

Years ago, I saw an interview with Carrie Fisher, who was addressing her mother's disastrous relationships. Asked why, Carrie said simply, "I don't know. Her 'picker' is broken."

My "picker" is broken.

Both my LTRs were with sex addicts (not sure I believed in it 20 years ago, but I do now). Men who seemed smart, successful, emotionally available, but ended up jeopardizing their jobs, health, lives for sex. The first was a classical musician who ended up moving to Palm Springs to convert to HIV+ so he "could enjoy the rest of my life." The other was arrested more than once and lost a job due to compulsive sexual behavior.

I don't blame them -- I was the one who selected very dissimilar partners who ended up with the same addiction.

After that, when I met someone and IMMEDIATELY felt a connection or bells ringing, I had to force myself to stop, take a breath and remind myself to be very, very careful.

Good grief, R194. I'm exhausted just reading that. Such drama.

This is just nasty on YOUR part: "musician who ended up moving to Palm Springs to convert to HIV+ so he "could enjoy the rest of my life." "

I hate people

[quote]This is just nasty on YOUR part: "musician who ended up moving to Palm Springs to convert to HIV+ so he "could enjoy the rest of my life." "

Sorry -- that was his direct quote.

I don't know where or when I read this......but maybe as far back as 13 to 15 years ago...I came across a Bill Clinton interview. The only reason I never forgot this one snippet of a response was because......he had been the President of the United States!!! Anyway, cannot recall the context, cannot recall the interview, but I remember reading/hearing somewhere the following observation:

"Most people are assholes."

I guess he would have met a few in his lifetime....plus being in politics...... but it was a pretty succinct summary of the state of affairs relating to the human condition. And delivered in such a devil may care Clintonian fashion. Doubt he'd ever be caught speaking like that now - at least on the record.

But the point being made is that people are inherently selfish. A friend of mine who was having terrible marital problems years ago went to see a therapist. The therapist starting talking about the issue of Power Plays in relationships and how to deal with it. The therapist told my friend: "Whenever you are in a power play, walk away, then there's no power play".

Never forgot that little gem.

I

I grew up with a lot of loud siblings too close in age and couldn't wait to grow up and out and live on my own.

Realizing I spent most of my time by myself, I finally put effort into meeting someone a couple years ago. After a few weeks, I started to look forward to spending time alone, and making excuses to do so.

Ideally, I would have a casual relationship on weekends. Weekdays, day after day, and all weekend was too much for me. Not everyone is interested in socializing, relating, intimacy and sex every day and night.

I know a lot of guys are attracted to a slightly aggressive guy. On a scale, I personally slide more to being aggressive. The thing is, I have a naturally slight build (think daniel tosh), I'm not incredibly tall (5'10), and I'm attractive with a great smile but I have a fucking baby face. Cherubic features. I have the appearance that suggests I'm nothing but a delicate twink but I have the personality bordering on Ben Affleck's character in Dazed and Confused (without the desire to cause harm, hah.) Honestly I'm glad I have a big dick, otherwise I really think I'd hate everything about myself.

I think I could date someone from the opposite coast. They fly in, we have a wonderful weened of dinners and sex, then they leave Monday leaving me blissfully alone until next time.

Why does OP assume that single people are alone? Nothing could be further from the truth.

R202--Brilliant! In two sentences, you described exactly what I would like! Maybe, though, I'd want one entire weekend a month to myself as well.

Bump

I genuinely don't know why I haven't found anyone. I always hear there's someone for everyone, but now I think someone people are meant to be alone. I'm realistic about my looks, 7/8. I've never gone for anyone over an 8. I've been attracted to men considered to be a 5/6. I love a good sense of humor.

My sister wanted to fix me up with a guy from her work. I could tell she was leaving a key piece of information out. I jokingly ask if he'd been in prison. She hesitated and mumbled something about drugs and meth. I told her no way. Prison's a deal breaker for me. She got mad and said I was too picky.

you could have gone on 1 date. jeez

Poor social skills, no self esteem, average looks at best. I live a simple life and am a bit of a hermit. The few times when I have had anything close to a relationship, the anxiety was through the roof, and if I found someone who accepted me I would think there was something wrong with him, and sabotage it immediately. I don't know how to love myself, as the cliche goes, so how could anyone else?

I think that guy with the big dick from the other thread is posting on here.

R208. You and me both, babe. Twins. We should get together! Actually no..we're not good enough/too good for each over LOL & also : (

R206 Poo Shoes. Troll alert. You fuckers always say the same thing. Then he got mad....Then he farted in the little girl's face and got mad. Then she got mad and demanded we all eat outside.

Not with a meth head, r207. No way.

Don't get mixed up with anyone that's been to prison for drugs because chances are, they're still using and will rob you blind given the chance.

R211, huh?

My standards are too high.

What [R53] wrote is, to me, the final proof of what early life bullying can do to permanently damage the adult the bullied child becomes. It sounds like [R53] and I experienced more or less the same thing. [R53] carries the damage this did. I was able to develop skills that help me to retain control. Not everybody can do this.

R145, I’m in the same boat and have an extra job to save up for the money. Get something easy on the weekend or just a couple of nights during the week. I’m a grocery store checkout clerk. It’s crappy, but who cares? The money is slowly accumulating, and I can always quit. The secret is to just work a little. Don’t overwork or stay up too late, which leads to other problems. It’s hard at first to find a good fit, you have to be up front about wanting just a few hours, but just keep looking. Also pick something easy/low stress. No heavy lifting jobs (on job injuries suck).

R83 Would you really want to play in a Crohn's hole?

A lot of you sound like you would benefit from therapy and maybe a part-time life coach. A lot of these behaviors are recognizable to me as symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. A lot of the things holding folks back, like social anxiety, can usually be managed within a few therapy sessions and maintained with regular therapy going forward.

Also not every single person expects a perfect package wrapped with a bow in the form of a potential partner; people who think this way have issues of their own.

It’s also worth mentioning that having standards that are too high yourself is a form of self-sabotage. I know someone who will only date men over 6’3” and only if they work in a very narrow set of fields (all extremely high paying, like corporate law or investment banking). It goes without saying that this person hasn’t had a date in years and will definitely die alone if they don’t relax their rules a little.

Shame on you, R30, who goes by the name Michelle Carter.

You may be intellectually intelligent, R52, but with all those problems, you’re not emotionally intelligent. And that is what is needed for a healthy relationship.

I would do best with separate houses, even if they were right next door to each other. Otherwise, I’m open to a relationship where each gives the other respectful space but still healthy support in life.

I'm tempted to say it's probably because there's something wrong with me, but so many people who have so much more wrong with them have long and devoted life partnerships, so scratch that. I think some people just get lucky and everything falls into place the right way.

R179 that’s the premise of ONLY YOU with Kelly Preston, Helen Hunt & Andrew McCarthy.

Because I hate people.

"I want to be alone." —Garbo in [italic]Grand Hotel[/italic]

I can be as charming and lively as the next person, but I need to get away from people to re-energize and find peace. I guess that makes me an introvert. People can be so annoying, especially the people you care about.

I don't think I'm a 10, but I attract both sexes. The problem is, the ones who approach me are often the pushy, shallow types.

I choose unavailable men and then waste time on them. I can also be super unapproachable because I have social anxiety.

R41 is the only dateable person on this thread.

Such an interesting thread. Really, it's not tongue in cheek.

Well, honestly, deep deep inside I know why I'm single. The answer is clear and obvious: I like being single.

I realized it only now, in my early 30-ies after one episode popped up in my mind. When I was a kid (pre-school age) I visited a school psychologist - just for a required test before studying start. And psychologist, pretty and very nice lady asked me to depict "my ideal life as an adult person". And I did. The picture included big room, table, window, my very talented self within a process of writing a new book and two dogs. Psychologist was a bit astonished: "Is that all? No more details...? Maybe peiople? I said: "No". She insisted: "Perhaps, your future husband? Kids?

Afterwards I succesfully forgot this meeting. As there's no single prides and every asshole - straight, gay and even necrofill - thinks he or she has the right to tease you and ask the same stupid questions about your relationship status, I tried to provide them with answers (well, provide myself with these answers as well).

I came up with the next ideas: my panic attacks (but I overcomed it), my look (well, it's objectively above average), wrong partners (bullshit, I chose them by myself), some psychological issues, rooting from my not very great mom (bullshit again), being nerdy, being busy with work, being busy with life, waiting for Jude Law. It's all bullshit, guys. If you want to build relationship, you'll do it.

^^j’adore R228’s response.

I’ll be turning 30 in a few years time, and I’d like to start espousing such a classy & confident attitude about the Bachelor life. As a loner and someone terribly underemployed, I’m mostly just envious of the folks in here with a group of loyal friends or a stable enjoyable job that pays - what a wonderful life that must be! Perhaps this is bias talking but I feel as if we Millennials have it a bit tougher, what with being cybersocialisrd and coming of age in a recessional dark world of cat-fishing/Dateline, Fake News & social media.

I remember an awful therapist I visited in College (for depression & grief counselling) once telling me that it was “abnormal” & “weird, disconcerting” that I’d never had a physical or emotional relationship of my own choosing. I was 23 at the time and in a lot of emotional pain & turmoil, barely able to leave my room or swallow food & drink or speak a word to anyone, so that was hardly helpful feedback. Actually, it set me back further thanks to shame and self-consciousness, and I didn’t have a first date until a few years elapsed after that session (and haven’t had a relationship that lasted longer than a weekend, since).

Most everything else in this thread probably applies to me in some small degree, too. If I had to psychoanalyse myself I’d say that an upbringing in a smothering trashy family and getting picked on in a stifling buttoned-up school left me inhibited, guarded & bone-selfish as a person, at least when it comes to time & emotion (materially & sympathetically, I’m over-generous). Or it was that my puppy got hit by a truck and died when I was 7 and I never got over it. One or the other, who knows.

I’ll paraphrase a Peanuts strip and add: ‘now that I know, what do I DO about it?’

Personally I’m just ready to massively lower my standards and take what I can get at this point. I’d like three things: Good looks, monogamy, economic self-sufficiency. At this point, I will take whoever can provide two out of those three things.

Trump thread bumper. Block and delete threads.

Hi r231! There are a lot of threads on DL where you can discuss Trump. This one is about single gay men and why they’re single. Can you please stay on topic?

Why? BECAUSE I LIKE IT.

There's absolutely no societal support for loners. We're labeled shy and anti-social. Our "social anxiety" must have been caused by some trauma. Wrong, pal, we're just loners.

When I was 45, I'd look at middle aged couples who seem to get along, and wonder how they stand each other every damned day of every damned year. Then I realized that it's not about sex, it's about companionship. I can used companionship a few times a month, not every damned day of every damned year.

I'm now 50, and doing just fine during this lockdown. My life's the same except for no gym and going to the grocery store is a pain. My 53 year old divorced "people person" brother is going absolutely crazy, he's as needy as a child, and luckily lives in another state. These are times I'm very happy to be a loner.