Being a Bully Magnet and generally disliked by people

I'm so sorry, OP. I understand it has to be hard to go through life where every one is so mean to you and everything is everyone else's fault.

What happened in your life that made poo attracted to your shoes?

I was never bullied as I was always the biggest kid in school but my entire life I've felt like people immediately don't like me when they meet me. Even today I can sense it. I've tried to smile and be friendly and put people at ease, but I can see it in their eyes and mannerisms that they just don't like me.

They sense you won't fight back or you are socially isolated OP. Even one friend to hang out with can change that.

Think like a bully and find someone else they will be likely to pick on and there's your new best friend.

Some people give off loser energy - negative self talk, passive/weak body language, poor eye contact, and general submissiveness to others. You can, however, change all of that by becoming aware of your body language (standing upright with hands at side and palms open), maintaining eye contact, using a firm and clear tone of voice, and using definitive language when speaking and making decisions. Also, ditch the negative narrative in your head because it becomes self fulfilling. Google the subject - there are many strategies for replacing self critical thoughts. People are picking up on your nonverbal cues and reacting to them before you've even opened your mouth. You can't blame others - they're simply responding to how your presenting yourself. Become aware of your presentation, though, and change it. I'm speaking from a place of experience.

R5 Thank you, I will keep on trying that, I tried something similar many times in the past but with no result, i tried to be confident and well present myself but i got torn down by someone, i guess people see easily through me.

When grieving or suffering from PTSD it's almost like having a bullseye on your back. Losers attempted to bully me by misreading my body language at the time. Losers will bully you if they think they can get away with it. Six months in when I had recuperated, boy oh boy were they forever sorry. I don't forget. Now they'll never forget taking the lesson to their graves.

TILL now, freak fuck John?

Op, you can heal your life. Totally check out the books by Louise Hay. She's great.

Also, you may want to watch the movie "The Secret" as an introduction to learning how to retrain your mind to think positively. And "What the Bleep?"

If you like that, you might also like "Love is Letting Go of Fear" by Dr. Jerry Jampolski...and "Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.

Read the poem "Desiderata." Memorize your favorite parts.

This thread is for you, OP:

If you like Buddhism, check out Pema Chodron, Tara Brach and Thict Naht Hahn.

R9 Thank you

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself, OP. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

R13 Make me puke. Mystical mumbo jumbo is the most worthless advice.

why'd you bump an old thread like this r14?

I am also unfairly maligned.

I'm just a sweet innocent young thing.

A bullied person's best defense is passive-aggression.

OP, get me a job with your company. I'm a giant bitch (to people who deserve it). I will put every one of those bullying motherfuckers in their place

OP, please read Louise hay and truly follow and do daily the self talk she recommends. It will change you over time and people will in time respond to you differently. I am so sorry for the pain you have been through. I think it is like PTSD to be badly bullied as a child. I know. It is terrifying and so painful for a child. Be extra kind and compassionate to yourself and work hard at minimizing the negative self-talk and replace it with positive self -talk. It may feel silly but I do know it works. Much love to you.

Like R5...good advice. I was pickedon by bullies in a Catholic school. pretended to be sick to stay home. Even the teachers and religious at this school were assholes. I def. screwed me up for years. Listen and reread R5; have self esteem and pride in yourself, no matter who you are orwhere you have been. hang in there.

If you wear a t-shirt and host a blog called "I'm a Bully Magnet", you will be bullied.

I've dealt with bullies my whole life as well and have learned to have some sympathetic feelings towards them, because they are cowards who cannot function as individuals ... Bullies almost always stick together in hierarchy's of bullies where they are protected and where they get power, they're unable to truly think for themselves and can only follow others. True loner bullies are rare in my opinion, because it's too easy to destroy them. I learned how to destroy cliques of bullies aswell, but honestly it is just not worth the time..... Always keep your calm around these people and eventually the clique will fold away to nothing when you stop feeding it.

I'm similar to OP with one difference. OP is comfortable within his own family, I'm not. Growing up my parents and siblings were dismissive of me. My parents knew I was bullied at school, even witnessed it, and did nothing. Nothing at all. Even seeing it in person they stood back and let it happen. To this day i want nothing to do with my family. My parents, now that they're getting older, now want a relationship with me. Too late.

Throughout my life there have been times when people have taken an immediate aggressive dislike to me. I have even had total strangers in passing strike out verbally against me when I'm doing nothing but walking down the street minding my own business.

It's still shocking as I don't know why, when I'm a polite person and have never been aggressive. Some people sense something in me that causes instant dislike, and as I said sometimes quite aggressive and even hostile.

It's caused irreparable damage. Therapy has been no help at all. It's been hell and not a day goes by that I don't wish for it all to be over. My greatest wish is to die quietly in my sleep, a wish I repeat nightly,

You're a victim OP. Your posts in this thread absolutely scream victim. You too R23.

Do something about it and the bullying will stop immediately.

R5 puts it in a much nicer form and gives good advice.

I wish I had words of comfort, but I don't. I wish all bullies would lose whatever pleasure they get from inflicting pain and cruelty.

I don't have to wish for the following because with effort it gets results: I like people who are active listeners. And it has been my experience that when I'm an active listener, which to me boils down to, when some is speaking to me, I'm not in my own head wondering "what am I going to say back to make this person like me?" but instead I really listen , my response is then genuine. People then respond positively to me.

It's a paradoxical but true- people like us I direct proportion to how they perceive we attend to them, not the other way around.

OP, I don't know if this is any help but bullies don't just come out swinging. They test people out with little things like an odd remark or minor demand, something that might just be harmless. You can put up the barriers straight away, but a real bully will take that as a sign of weakness and everyone else will see you as prickly. Better to hold your judgement look like an easy target and wait until they make a real strike. The first occasion you are certain they are being a cunt throw everything you have at them and do not back down and make sure you get a definative win. Only then revert back to being nice as pie.

I'm sorry R23 (and OP). My life's been similar but I've always gotten such a wonderful feeling from solitude. I even have a collection of books about hermits and there's a newsletter for people of like mind, though many of them are religious and I'm not - still, it's comforting to know there are others who just simply avoid people as much as possible. There's never been a better time to be a loner - music, tv, films, books, the Internet. At work, just count the hours and try to ignore the morons, unless they physically attack. Usually they'll move on to someone who reacts to their torture - that's where they get their joy - watching the pain they inflict. Try to pretend you don't understand English or learn how to disassociate from the moment. There's a psycho in nearly every workplace or classroom - it's not your fault - but it's a good reason to sequester yourself from the public space. Even the non psychos - they're stupid for the most part. Just look at the Trump supporters!

Kisses for OP and R23.

OP, why do you think we're preserving the 2nd Amendment? Make guns your can of Whoop Ass.

I think I understand what the OP means. Ever since I was a kid there was something abut me that people immediately didn't like me. I tried everything I could think of--smile, be genial, be easy going but even today when people meet me for the first time they immediately don't like me.

Pleasantly surprised by the thoughtful responses and lack off assholery here. There's some good advice here, OP.

I strongly second R26, as someone who was an odd smart kid bullied throughout middle school. Bullies are cowards looking for an easy target. They often have a couple of hangers-on in their little group. The only way to respond is to push back from the outset.

People who have been bullied often get in a mindset of assuming they must have done something or be in the wrong somehow or they wouldn't have attracted this treatment. They're making the assumption that people are all reasonable and think like they do. But some folks just have an antagonistic outlook. You have to stand your ground with them. Might take several encounters before they get it through their heads and move on.

If this is a workplace situation, HR is your friend. Nobody wants to keep these people around, they create liability issues.

As R30 illustrates, being nice is unfortunately catnip to these people.

Bullies will only back down if you stand up to them.

When you wear a sign on your forehead that says "doormat," well what do you expect?

First off...just don't care if they like you or not, the point is, do you like them?

Secondly, do not be afraid to be a bitch. Stick up for yourself.

People who feel like they have to be loved by everyone, get on my nerves.

R5 good advice

Bur don't go overboard in the other direction, OP. I firmly believe the reason for so much of the Queen Bitch behavior in a lot of gay men is overcompensation for having been bullied. I had a lot of anger issues to overcome as a result and it's been an ongoing challenge for me.

And unfortunately we've become a society in which we celebrate antisocial behavior that would previously have gotten someone shunned.

"People who feel like they have to be loved by everyone, get on my nerves."

People who feel like they have to use errant commas get on my nerves.

It doesn't always work to fight back - and it puts the blame/onus on the victim. If you just can't, then you can't. And in some circumstances, it only exacerbates the situation.

Many experts say it's a mistake to fight back, whether you're a bullied child or an adult.

"...Fighting a bully doesn’t work because it plays into the bully’s hand. It turns bullying into a conflict and makes both people look like they are to blame. The only way to successfully fight a bully is by not fighting them...."

r13 = Shirley Maclaine

The only way to fight a bully is by giving them a beating. Literally.

A generally weak appearance - think Rick Moranis - might turn everyone into a bully magnet. Also some people give off a loser vibe - slouching, complaining, making a big deal out of every failure. Con artistry developed for a reason. You have to look like a winner to appeal to people

I know how you feel OP and R23, I was bullied within my own family . First my parents said I was supposed to be aborted but my mom couldn't do it because of her religious beliefs .

Then my siblings picked up on it and I was bullied by them. There is also something about me that gives off vibes that people react negatively to . Easy pickings ? Yep. I finally had enough and I took boxing and Tae Kwon Do lessons and you better believe the bullies picked up in those vibes. Even my siblings won't fuck with me.

The moral of my story is that when I started taking those lessons it made me walk tall and proud , with shoulders back and a relaxed smile on my face, plus I gave off the "don't fuck with me " vibes-my self talk when I was around those bullies was "I'm a boxer, I will fuck you up". The best outcome of all this ? When the bullies tried to pick on someone else I jumped right in their faces (there were 3 of them!) I felt no fear and they backed down. Of course if you scratch the surface of a bully you get a coward .

Trust me , I know what it's like for you . I've been there almost my whole life . I've been nothing but a good person but others make me feel like a bad person, since day one . And yes, I have prayed for death . But the thing I'm trying to tell you is do everything you can to protect yourself . I priced out lessons online and Craigslist. Some places have a one week free pass, others give lessons in your home or theirs . It's much cheaper than therapy which didn't help (I hate to say it but even my shrink reacted negative to me)

Ask yourself , if someone you loved who was kind and sweet and they were being bullied and you couldn't protect them , what would you do to help them ? You would probably buy them a gun, a knife , a taser, pepper spray , and karate lessons . You would teach them to stand up for themselves; you have to treat yourself the same way . I know it's hard to love yourself more than someone else but there are assholes in this world who need to be checked .

Good luck OP. You're not alone .

I have also had the experience of people going out of their way to attack me and display hostility when I have never done anything to them. I used to think that I had done something wrong, or that I was missing some social cue that made people see me as "weird" or a misfit. I underwent formal testing for all sorts of things including Asperger's, and the psychiatrists and neuropsychologists all ruled out those kinds of disorders. They said I did not have difficulty responding to nonverbal social cues, and one of them even described me in a formal report as having a "warm, engaging personality" after interviewing me for 30 minutes. One local psychiatrist who is known in the area I live for having a very blunt, direct approach and the ability to sum up people very accurately told me flat-out, "There's nothing wrong with you, but I will tell you this. Sheep attract wolves, and you, unfortunately, are a sheepish-type person. That's not a disorder, just a personality type." I did grow up in a toxic codependent family with a bipolar alcoholic parent, and that probably explains a lot of it. I do think that the social predator types who like dominating other people have well-honed instincts when it comes to spotting potential victims who are not likely to fight back or protest about what others do to them. I have also noticed that the times I was bullied the most were when I was already suffering from depression due to family issues unrelated to bullying- I think those kinds of emotional states show up in your body language and other subtle signals that scream "weakness" to the kinds of assholes who look for it. When I learned to fight back more effectively and became willing to retaliate against anyone who pushed me around, I noticed that many of the same people who used to prey on me in the past would back off even if I hadn't said or done anything to them- as if they could tell instinctively that I wasn't afraid of them anymore and I wasn't going to take any of their shit. However, I am not good at acting or "faking it", so things didn't start changing until I discovered the capacity within myself to really fight back. Sometimes it becomes necessary to learn to fight back, for the sake of your own survival and sanity. One book that really inspired me is "Mice," by Gordon Reece-I'm not planning to go out and kill anyone the way the main characters do, but I decided to stop worrying about being "good" or "right" and started thinking more in terms of survival and self-preservation. The last part of the book really stuck with me- when the protagonist thinks about how all humans are ferocious primitives underneath a veneer of civilization, and her inner monologue states, "Life was brutal. Life was savage. Life was a war. I understood that now. I accepted that now. And I said, 'Bring it on.' I wasn't going to be anyone's victim. Ever again." Those sentences are stuck in my head, and I will continue to live by that creed until life shows me overwhelming evidence to make me believe otherwise.

plug it up plug it up plug it up

For those saying stand up to bullies or fight back, what if you're disabled? or much weaker/smaller? or what if the bully has a group of thugs who help him carry out his attacks? and what if you just can't change your personality to become assertive and dominant? Do you think everyone has the ability to change the effects of nurture/nature that made them what they are? People have gotten killed trying to stand up to psychopaths. If Ted Bundy moved next door and harassed you, would you go knock on his door to give him a piece of your mind??

For R14:

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, The universe is laughing behind your back.

If you're not horribly unattractive or disabled, it could be that you're one of those people who is unknowingly annoying. Are you awkward? Do you try too hard to be liked? Do you not follow/pick up on social cues and mores? Do you behave self-consciously and project a vibe of not having any confidence? I've known a couple people like you OP. They always fell into one of the following categories: 'kid in class that everyone thinks is weird', 'very unattractive and no charisma to back it up', or 'socially awkward and makes everyone uncomfortable as soon as they step in the room'. I suggest you take on a more relaxed, 'I couldn't care one way or the other' attitude around others and try to project a more relaxed vibe. It worked well for a cousin of mine (falls into the 'weird kid/bad at picking up social cues' category) after transferring to a new high school. It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to help you, OP. Unfortunately, in the world we live in, people are assholes. If you're not conventionally attractive and the type of person that pretty much everyone wants to fuck, you're going to have to fall back on a winning personality to get people to like you.

It's biology - bullies get a rush of dopamine from enjoying other people's suffering:

Scientific American "...the primary focus of my research group had been to identify novel biomarkers [measurable activity] that correlates with depression in humans and then reverse-translate these findings to relevant mouse stress models to determine whether any of these biomarkers actually play a role in causing depression- or anxiety-related behaviors. Over the past decade we have utilized a social-defeat stress model in which a larger aggressive mouse “bullies” a subordinate intruder mouse, inducing a wide spectrum of depression- and anxiety-like behaviors in the intruder. Our studies have provided important preclinical data informing clinical studies of new antidepressant treatment strategies. Despite having some success with such studies, we couldn’t help but ask ourselves whether a better depression prevention strategy might be to mitigate aggression and violence towards others in the first place. Thus, we flipped the question and began studying the bully mouse rather than the socially defeated subordinate mouse."

Sorry, R13

I have poor impulse control. Forgive?

r47, again, guns are the great equalizer. How much good is his 225-lb. frame going to do against your gun?

When I first read this I thought it said Billy Magnet.

I know this is an old thread, But Thanks everyone who contributed with thoughtful helpful advice. I understand what exactly OP and others in the thread talking about, and reading through this thread was very helpful.

Ever since I was a kid there's been something about me that makes people immediately dislike me.

I always wondered if it's because I'm fat, or I didn't dress well, or I don't smile much, or I look intimidating, or I remind them of someone from their past.

I don't know, but I do know that when I meet someone for the first time they look at me like I'm the guy who called their mother a whore.

I have never been bullied. I don't know why. It's in me I guess, I don't send that kind of vibe. Many People don't like me and I don't give two fucks. I have often been told that if bullies sense that they don't get at you, they lose interest very quickly. Something within yourself needs healing OP.

It could be down to a lack of self-confidence. Bullies see people who are insecure & lacking in confidence as an easy target. So even if you don't feel it, fake it.

Lots of great advice here, OP.

I wondered why I sometimes attracted this dynamic at work throughout my career and finally saw it was because I unwittingly contributed to it by wanting to keep the peace, hoping things would eventually blow over. I protected bullies with my silence. I also tended to remain loyal to people and situations that did not deserve my loyalty.

I had an unconscious sense of unworthiness that I had to come to terms with. Bullies just mirrored that back to me. When I finally saw this and stood up to my bully last year by exposing the bully and standing in my own power, everything shifted. But, first, the internal conversation shifted from “I hope they approve of me” to “fuck this shit—do I approve of THEM?” Once that inner shift occurred, the bullying stopped. If it hadn’t, I would have left.

Bullying occurs in areas we have too much anxiety or emotional attachment to. Work has been that area for me, but it can be romance for others.

Bullies will go after people they see as a threat, particularly if that person is new to a social group. I’ve seen that happen more often than someone being bullied for being unattractive or unlikeable.

Bullies establish dominance by diminishing you, the potential threat. They often enroll other people in their drama. Many bullies manipulate third parties to attack you while they look on.

Bullies will never admit to being envious, manipulative or threatened. It’s fascinating, too, to see how they accuse others of the stuff they’re guilty of.

Read up on narcissism. Chances are, OP, that you rate high in empathy. Empaths are catnip for bullies. Protect yourself. No one will rescue you from this pattern but you.

You fucking bitches are full of shit and so is OP. “Be gentle with yourself. You’re a child of the universe.” Then the next minute you’re all ready to demonize someone. And OP you’re just playing games.

People try to bully me. I appear very mild-mannered and passive, so they think they can just railroad me and I won’t even notice.

It’s amazing to see how quickly their attitudes change when I immediately call them out on their bullshit. A therapist once told me she thought I could verbally annihilate someone if I wanted to. I’ve never quite gone to that extreme before, but I certainly could.

My mother was the biggest cunt who ever walked the face of the earth. I learned from the best.

How exactly and specifically do you 'call them out on their bullshit'? I could use some good one-liners for some of the assholes I work with.