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Okay, So How Do I Douche?

I think I may be getting fucked soon by some hot Army stud. I want to be ready and I know I have to douche first. I know all about Fleet, but I think I want to try the hot water bottle. How much water do I squeeze in there? How deep do I go? Do I really need to hop over to the toilet right after, or do I let it loose in the shower? How many times before I can expect to be immaculate "down there"? After that, should I take a few practice insertions with a dildo just to make sure there aren't any, er, Klingons? What do I do if, during the intimate act, something "unwanted" makes an appearance? For example, do I laugh it off if he notices, or lick it up if he doesn't (I don't imagine there's anywhere safe to wipe it)? I know the brown stuff is an instant boner killer for even the horniest of tops. Sigh. So much prep work.

Any other helpful tips? Thank you, DL anal experts!

by Anonymousreply 100January 6, 2019 7:20 AM

Lame. 0/10

No one would touch you.

by Anonymousreply 1July 12, 2016 10:40 PM

I'm being serious, fool. I need advice. Get out of the way and let the experts help, BITCH!

by Anonymousreply 2July 12, 2016 10:41 PM

Did you really write "lick it up?" Yuck.

by Anonymousreply 3July 12, 2016 10:46 PM

0/10

by Anonymousreply 4July 12, 2016 10:47 PM

Yes, R3, I once had to do that. Stupid Fleet enemas don't always work. It wasn't but a speck, but I could *NOT* live with the alternative embarrassment.

by Anonymousreply 5July 12, 2016 10:48 PM

Damn, really?! I can't get advice about anal douching on a fucking gay site?!

by Anonymousreply 6July 12, 2016 10:49 PM

Use common sense you twat.

by Anonymousreply 7July 12, 2016 10:51 PM

R2, There are dozens of threads about douching/prepping for anal sex....if you just used the search function. Not like anyone is going to reveal something really new or noteworthy, about the process, since Memorial Day.

But you knew that.

by Anonymousreply 8July 12, 2016 10:52 PM

Here's a clue. Read instructions on package or Google it. Or a jealous old wretch like me, who just happens to be nurse, use a 20 oz. soda bottle, warm water to two-thirds/three-forths full, lube tip, insert past 2nd anal muscle, gently squeeze and voila! Instant chocolate pudding. P.S. a little liquid soap in water douche, soap suds enema. Be sure you follow with plain water after pudding expelled, repeat until evac contents clear. Then dry. And get ready to cry as GI Joe makes you his Ho.

by Anonymousreply 9July 12, 2016 10:52 PM

OP - "army studs" love dirty asses and fudge packing. Don't prepare at all. If you are lucky, he'll order you as the dirty fag to clean up is shit covered dick after dumping his load in your ass.

by Anonymousreply 10July 12, 2016 10:54 PM

Awesome, R9! I read online that soap may cause irritation. Is this true? Also, is it okay to expel in the shower or should I just swivel back and forth between the tub and the pot? Don't be jealous; it's just random luck the way this is all playing out with the soldier, but he's giving me these mixed signals that are driving me crazy. I truly wasn't expecting it.

by Anonymousreply 11July 12, 2016 10:57 PM

So how many threads is the shit troll going to start. You DO realize this is why people hate gays.

by Anonymousreply 12July 12, 2016 10:58 PM

R10, I had him over to my place last Saturday. We drank a bit (he had already started before he joined me). He's in his twenties and he got shit-faced drunk on whiskey. I'm a lady, so I know how to sip (lol!). Sadly, he reached the point of no return and he went home (he's my neighbor) and passed out. But he's ready to play again! Wee!

by Anonymousreply 13July 12, 2016 11:00 PM

You'll want to irritate bowel lining for effective dumping, but too irritating where you can't ride your guy

by Anonymousreply 14July 12, 2016 11:01 PM

WTF are you talking about, R12? This is my first thread in days and days!

by Anonymousreply 15July 12, 2016 11:01 PM

Okay, good advice, R14. I'll try the soapy water then. Thank you!

by Anonymousreply 16July 12, 2016 11:02 PM

OP, get a turkey baster and mix together 2 ounces of rubbing alcohol, 2 ounces of pepper vinegar, two inch line of Icey Hot ointment, add 1/2 cup of ginger ale, shake well, and squirt deep up your ass. That should do the trick.

by Anonymousreply 17July 12, 2016 11:03 PM

[R15] pay no attention. So much Summer dick to be had. [R12] must be experiencing a long dry spell. And both his holes dried up in the drought.

by Anonymousreply 18July 12, 2016 11:05 PM

Just stick to oral FFS. This stuff is gross.

by Anonymousreply 19July 12, 2016 11:06 PM

Just kidding about the "lady" joke. He knows I'm gay, but we were "bro-ing" around. At one point, he wanted to start play fighting with me. He was buzzed, but not completely wasted at that point. I was like, WTF? When he saw I was totally confused, he said, all right, let's just hug. I stood up so he could hug me. The second time our dicks made contact and I think fire shot up my legs. I think he felt it too. That was a Holy Fuck moment.

by Anonymousreply 20July 12, 2016 11:06 PM

Well, OP, first you need to clean off your Poo Shoes.

by Anonymousreply 21July 12, 2016 11:07 PM

R17, you forgot the Mentos. Bitch.

R19, I thought that would be enough (we already went there...long story), but I NEED to get plowed. NOW.

by Anonymousreply 22July 12, 2016 11:08 PM

R21, I have no idea what that means.

by Anonymousreply 23July 12, 2016 11:08 PM

Before you can douche, you'll need to have a sex change operation so you have a cunt.

If you want to have an enema, Fleet contains irritating ingredients to induce shitting. Plain water is best but requires a larger quantity. Use ice water for the final rinse to tighten up your hole.

by Anonymousreply 24July 12, 2016 11:09 PM

Thanks, R24. There's no convenient gerund form for enema, so I use douching. I don't think I want to be too tight. This guy is pretty thick.

by Anonymousreply 25July 12, 2016 11:13 PM

I hope you shit all over him!

by Anonymousreply 26July 12, 2016 11:15 PM

Keep squeezing the water till it comes out your ears!

by Anonymousreply 27July 12, 2016 11:17 PM

Did people worry about douching pre-AIDS?

by Anonymousreply 28July 12, 2016 11:19 PM

I heard if you put a knife under the bed, it cuts the pain.

I heard if G.I. Joey puts a bayonet under your chin, it cuts your throat.

by Anonymousreply 29July 12, 2016 11:21 PM

No everyone fudge packed back then of course. Dirty dirty dirty. Because shit is somehow related to AIDS?

by Anonymousreply 30July 12, 2016 11:21 PM

No, r30, because I just don't remember it being a thing back in the '70s.

by Anonymousreply 31July 12, 2016 11:25 PM

By the way, has anyone dated a soldier? I know I'll get shit for this (no pun intended), but yes, a "straight" soldier. What was it like?

And please keep the douching tips coming!

by Anonymousreply 32July 12, 2016 11:26 PM

Social networks for anonymous people to blather incessantly about their scat fetish fantasies were not a thing. I was douching my ass when I started fucking in the 80s and we certainly didn't chit chat about that among my friends.

by Anonymousreply 33July 12, 2016 11:27 PM

e.....s.....t......

by Anonymousreply 34July 12, 2016 11:27 PM

Fudge pack like your elders!

by Anonymousreply 35July 12, 2016 11:28 PM

Sorry to disappoint you, R34, but this one is real.

by Anonymousreply 36July 12, 2016 11:46 PM

Could never do that, R35. I don't have much anal experience, but I'm a neat freak when it comes to my appearance and hygiene.

by Anonymousreply 37July 12, 2016 11:48 PM

not real. how could you admit to being your age and not knowing how to clean your ass. And then talking about licking the shit flakes off. PLEASE

e.............s.........fucking..........t.........

by Anonymousreply 38July 12, 2016 11:48 PM

All embarrassing, R38. But all too true. I'm not proud of it but I'm being brutally honest to get (at least a few) honest answers.

by Anonymousreply 39July 12, 2016 11:51 PM

I heard hydrogenperoxide cleans it best. Kills all germs

by Anonymousreply 40July 13, 2016 12:19 AM

Try Apple Cider Vinegar, OP!

by Anonymousreply 41July 13, 2016 12:23 AM

Should that be drunk or flushed up the pooper

by Anonymousreply 42July 13, 2016 12:25 AM

get a shower shot, it attaches to your shower nozzle and you can totally blast your rectum and rinse it until everything is squeaky clean!

by Anonymousreply 43July 13, 2016 1:10 AM

Borax

by Anonymousreply 44July 13, 2016 1:11 AM

Webbie, can we douche OP off Datalounge?

by Anonymousreply 45July 13, 2016 1:16 AM

Okay, no one has answered an important question? Is it okay to "woosh" down the tub drain or not? It just seems like a hassle to get out of the tub. But if it's the only way, well...it'll be worth it in the end.

Is it even necessary to get entirely inside the tub? Can I just sit over the edge and then flush with the hot water bottle nozzle, then move over to the commode? This is a bit confusing. As I said, I've only tried Fleet.

R43, I'm thinking of investing in that next, thanks!

R45, FLUSH YOURSELF AWAY, PLEASE!

by Anonymousreply 46July 13, 2016 1:17 AM

You could lick the tub clean OP

by Anonymousreply 47July 13, 2016 1:20 AM

Ha. Fucking. Ha. Whore.

by Anonymousreply 48July 13, 2016 1:21 AM

Don't use the saline in the fleet! Empty that shit out and put regular water in there (my anus prefers evian). Then follow the instructions on the box (head down, ass up) and repeat until the water is clean. Do 2 hours prior so any moist farts will be passed with sufficient time. Clean the exterior of your hole with soap and water, and make sure the vaseline from the fleet tip is all gone.

by Anonymousreply 49July 13, 2016 1:23 AM

OP, it's you, the scat whore:

"For example, do I laugh it off if he notices, or lick it up if he doesn't (I don't imagine there's anywhere safe to wipe it)?"

by Anonymousreply 50July 13, 2016 1:23 AM

You need to "release" over the toilet and flush. Why would you do it in the shower? That's gross.

by Anonymousreply 51July 13, 2016 1:23 AM

OP - you are worrying too much. Guess what. Shit happens. No one is going to be porn star clean for an extended period. My high school BF and me fucked ourselves hard and often every day after school for 3 years. Sometimes it was clean and sometimes it wasn't. We scrubbed off in the shower afterwards. It didn't stop us from flip fucking.

By the way, if you use too much water like a full enema, you run the risk of a brown river exploding from your ass while you're getting plowed. I've seen this happen when I was the top and it isn't nice.

Your body isn't designed for that many full enemas. It screws up the flora in your intestines. Read the Joy of Gay Sex and stop taking advice from guys who would like to scrub their anus with a Brillo pad.

Have fun. That's all that matters. believe me, guys who are sticking their dicks in your hole know exactly what comes out of there. As long as it is lubed, I'll fuck it.

by Anonymousreply 52July 13, 2016 1:27 AM

Let the (brown) river run.

by Anonymousreply 53July 13, 2016 1:28 AM

Doc eat ass had best option young bottom. Or maybe do like the Freaky French and install a bidet. Did I spell that right. Keeps Boi pussies summer fresh. Shouldn't you be recieving a package young man? Go with your gut (after douching) and keep it clean for your soldier guy.

by Anonymousreply 54July 13, 2016 1:29 AM

Here.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 55July 13, 2016 1:30 AM

R49, so the Fleet bottles are reusable? If so, then I might just do that instead.

R51, isn't the "Shower Shot" (that R43 mentioned; see link) used in the shower? I'm assuming the waste goes down the tub drain in that case too, no?

R52, that's sweet advice. It hasn't really happened to me yet (I've been complimented on my squeaky clean asset before) since I don't have much bottoming experience. I really like this guy and I don't want to turn him off before we even get anywhere.

R54, I'm too poor for a bidet. I think we're getting together Friday or Saturday, so I have some time to practice douching. Ha ha.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 56July 13, 2016 1:32 AM

Ask your father.

by Anonymousreply 57July 13, 2016 1:34 AM

Gee thanks for traumatizing me, R55. This is from the first link at LMGTFY:

Once upon a time back in the dark ages, I used to be versatile. You know — I fucked AND I got fucked. Now I don’t really like fucking holes but when push comes to a shove, I’ll end up compromising and just do the deed to please a shag.

When one of my former boyfriends asked me to fuck his ass, I thought, ok, fine, whatever.

So we fucked.

And we fucked.

And we fucked.

20 minutes later, I got shit on my dick, shit on my legs, shit on his bum and shit on the sheets.

It was everywhere.

The stench was unbearable. Pure agony, if you’re gonna ask me.

And when you’ve got shit on your body, you have NO CHOICE but to wash yourself using your hands.

Not only the shit remains on your body, you get to touch/feel it too.

The experience was soo traumatising I still have emotional scars.

That was around 8 years ago.

Which is the last time I fucked someone in the ass.

Never again, I’m telling you.

by Anonymousreply 58July 13, 2016 1:35 AM

oh shit... my bad.

Anyway, the fleet bottles are reusable, but they start to lose their structural integrity after one or two uses...and just get too mushy. They're only like $5 for a 4-pack.

by Anonymousreply 59July 13, 2016 1:38 AM

OP - Decades ago, I dated an army guy (green beret) and I can assure you that his ass won't be very clean. My ex sometimes didn't shower for a really long time if he was deployed. Maybe it was just him, but brushing his teeth was about the only thing he did on a daily basis.

by Anonymousreply 60July 13, 2016 1:39 AM

OP is going to reuse the same Fleet enema for the next year.

by Anonymousreply 61July 13, 2016 1:44 AM

Fleet in, for when the Fleet's in.

by Anonymousreply 62July 13, 2016 1:46 AM

Fa' real R58? When you fuck someone in the shitter, and packing a whopper, shit happens. R52 sounds like a flip-fucking stud,that knows his shit, and realistically knows that after shit, comes the shower and shave part. R52, you cornhole tamer, your advice is sure and sound, probably coming from a stud that actually got/gets some booty and knows how to plow some fields.

by Anonymousreply 63July 13, 2016 1:49 AM

OP gay sex is shitty

And then shit happens

Don't loose your shit over it

by Anonymousreply 64July 13, 2016 1:56 AM

R55 is right.

I once douched using a lot of water, and after I had expelled what I thought was everything, about an hour later there was more water coming out... and more and more.

I had no idea that there is "residual" water left after douching, and it made me never want to do it again. The unpredictability of anal douching is just too.. unpredictable.

You're better off just taking a decent poop, having a good shower, and then que sera, sera.

by Anonymousreply 65July 13, 2016 1:58 AM

Try the chinese technique

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 66July 13, 2016 2:02 AM

Tips from BryanBoy, self-professed "power bottom."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 67July 13, 2016 2:08 AM

I like what this commenter had to say at bisexual dot com:

"The colon is self cleaning so there's no need to have even done any of what you did.

If you're getting fisted elbow deep, handballed, or taking BIG toys like a horse dildo, or getting something like a colonoscopy done, that's the only time you should actually clean yourself out all the way like that.

Most people can't take a fist/forearm, hand, or big toys in their anus or don't get a colonoscopy done all the time, so it's pointless.

You should NOT clean your colon and anus out like that with a douche/sure shot for just regular anal sex with a cock/toy/finger, and you shouldn't be doing it weekly or multiple times a week and it causes more problems than it solves.

There is no need for enemas or douches. In fact an enema or douche can cause more problems than they solve and have been implicated in the increased transmission of STIs including HIV. Also it can fuck up your electrolytes, and some people get addicted to it and need to use an enema/douche just to take a normal regular bowel movement. It should only be used if you're constipated and a laxitive does not work for you.

If you have regular bowel movements, everything works fine in regard to your anus/lower digestive tract, you eat lots of fiber, drink enough fluids, eat yogurt, void yourself before sex, and wash on the outside of your anus with soap and water like you should you'll be fine for sex.

If you like anal sex really "dirty" don't do any of that as some people are into having anal sex like that when feces aren't voided from the bowels.

If you do happen to encounter some small amount of fecal matter or santorum, big deal. It's an ass, get used to it. This is all the more reason that you should be using a condom.

I've never barebacked but friends of mine who have aren't into douching or anything at all and they don't encounter fecal matter or santorum."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 68July 13, 2016 2:15 AM

R60, dating a green beret sounds very hot. That's what kinda turns me on about this guy. He isn't afraid to walk around with a little smut around him. The day we were drinking, he had a thin smear of ketchup down his left (massive) thigh. Sometimes he'll wear the same muscle shirt at home for a few days. I guess I'm fantasizing his profession a bit, but I find it so damn hot.

I'm not so sure about the "don't douche, just poop and clean the area" stuff. Maybe a full void isn't necessary, but reaching in there with a lubed anal sprinkler would be a bare minimum IMO.

R66, I might have to hang out to that for a laugh afterwards, if everything goes well. HA.

R67, that's the link where I got the snippet I posted at R58. There's also this one:

[quote]The only thing more disgusting than finding someone else’s shit on your cock is finding your OWN shit on someone else’s cock. I’ve been there too so I know what my ex felt although I have to admit, mine wasn’t as EXTREME as his. I got fucked by this Swiss guy once — everything was fantastic — the sex was amazing — when he pulled out, there was like a tiny spot or two on his cock head. I was all like OMG but he was like I shouldn’t fuzz about it because it was "nothing". There I was, soo embarassed about the experience and he was being totally cool and even joked on how "it felt good knowing I do eat afterall" whereas I completely lost it and screamed like a madwoman when it happened to me and my ex.

Eek.

by Anonymousreply 69July 13, 2016 2:21 AM

I'M SORRY SEX IS SHITTY

AM NEVER DOING IT AGAIN

by Anonymousreply 70July 13, 2016 2:27 AM

Try this device.

It looks like it will get you clean, and you might have some fun along the way.

;o)

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 71July 13, 2016 2:28 AM

R67 I tried reading BryanBoy's blog, but when I got to "a successful sodomy sexperience" I began laughing and couldn't stop.

by Anonymousreply 72July 13, 2016 2:29 AM

Is this Program Troll?

by Anonymousreply 73July 13, 2016 2:29 AM

Ding ding ding.....

You take the jackpot r73

It's a pot full of acumulated shit

by Anonymousreply 74July 13, 2016 2:31 AM

Damn, that boyzshop website has it all... and MORE. rofl.

One douche even has a dildo attachment at the end, so you can douche and get fucked at the same time! haha

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 75July 13, 2016 2:31 AM

Oh shut the fuck up, R73/R74. Everything is EST this and Program Troll that with idiots like you. Go the fuck away, you knock-off Sherlocks.

R75, ooh! That's very cool. I'll be shopping there shortly! Heh heh.

by Anonymousreply 76July 13, 2016 2:33 AM

I'm going to start a Go Fund Me page so you bitches can get me this, please!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 77July 13, 2016 2:40 AM

I'm not sure if this is meant to be done on sofa and depicted in the demonstration, but it's cheap and effective. make sure to read the comments!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 78July 13, 2016 2:44 AM

Sorry R77, but there's a notation to the right of the "fuck me silly dude" that says, "OUT OF STOCK!"

Looks like there's a lot of horny bottom bitches out there in flyover land!

by Anonymousreply 79July 13, 2016 2:48 AM

Believe it not, no matter how hard you try to hide it or pretend otherwise, men already know that's where poop comes from. You should avoid the anal slip 'n slide if you're currently experiencing diarrhea, to avoid getting it on fabric, but otherwise being natural should be okay.

by Anonymousreply 80July 13, 2016 2:48 AM

R77, perhaps I could interest you in one of our many fine fucking machines?

The Rodeo Ejaculating Sex Machine provides saddle style fucking, and it can cum in your ass to push you over the edge! And it's only $479 dollars.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 81July 13, 2016 2:51 AM

The Sexbox Undercover Sex Machine can pound your ass at 70-200 thrusts per minute!!!

WTF??? It sounds like fucking torture!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 82July 13, 2016 2:54 AM

YES, R81! And on the weekends, I can use it to make ganache.

by Anonymousreply 83July 13, 2016 2:54 AM

WHY don't they have this at my gym?!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 84July 13, 2016 2:56 AM

That "cactus" dick attachment looks fucking painful!

But I guess it goes with the Southwestern motif. lol

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 85July 13, 2016 2:58 AM

R85, did you check out the vid at your link? The damned thing even "cums" in you. At 350 strokes per minute, no less.

by Anonymousreply 86July 13, 2016 3:02 AM

rofl r86, i wonder what the walkie-talkie thing is for??

by Anonymousreply 87July 13, 2016 3:07 AM

R76 believes whatever she's told.

by Anonymousreply 88July 13, 2016 1:56 PM

OP, you can only douche if you've pooped donuts,

by Anonymousreply 89July 13, 2016 2:05 PM

Crullers

by Anonymousreply 90July 13, 2016 3:32 PM

Go to Walmart and get a big container of Metamucil. Take a heaping spoonfull with a full glass of water every night before you go to bed. After dong this for several days you will take a nice big dump in the AM and you will be so clean you will rarely need to wipe your ass more than once. You won't have to worry about a mess if you meet a hot guy and suddenly decide you want to take his cock up your ass!

There will be no more greasy shits, skid marks, or sitting on the toilet for a half hour trying to push a big turd out either. Since I started taking the stuff I can go in the bathroom, drop my pants, take a dump, and be out of there in about the same amount of time as it takes to piss. LOL

Also, I think the Orange flavor tastes nasty but the Original is not bad.

by Anonymousreply 91July 16, 2016 12:12 AM

Why would anyone think this is PMBT? The writing style and subject matter are nothing like him. If anything they sound like the doorman troll...

by Anonymousreply 92July 16, 2016 12:30 AM

Has anyone recommended equal parts Clorox and Drano?

by Anonymousreply 93July 16, 2016 12:37 AM

Just use one fleet, wait five minutes, sit on the bowl, let it out. Repeat. Voila...!

by Anonymousreply 94July 16, 2016 2:47 AM

OP what happened then? Did you poo on your army man's dick?

by Anonymousreply 95July 16, 2016 2:51 AM

Typical troll. Obviously fake / no update. Now everyone knows. Congrats scat troll!

by Anonymousreply 96July 16, 2016 11:54 PM

R91 You need to start a new company called Bottoms Are Us! Or the Clean Hole Patrol.

by Anonymousreply 97January 6, 2019 3:56 AM

R31. It was definitely a thing in the 70s. I learned it from an Army buddy who was my “Fairy Godmother” when i came out and taught me all the things a young gay man needed to know - especially intimate hygiene. Enema bags were common in those days.

by Anonymousreply 98January 6, 2019 5:37 AM

Industrial strength pressure washer is the only thing that works to clean out a filthy whore's minge reliably. Stick it as deep as it will go.

by Anonymousreply 99January 6, 2019 6:57 AM

A lot of bad advice here, in terms of general anus/rectum/colon health. You have a week. Start taking a heaping tablespoon of metamucil (or similar psyllium husk fiber preparation) every day. Use a squatty potty or devise your own similar device. (Elevate your feet so that you are basically squatting over the toilet, which facilitates full evacuation without straining). You can google it if you're unsure what I'm talking about. Drink plenty of water. You will have 3 generous bowel movements a day, usually within 1/2 hour after a meal, which will basically completely clean out your colon/rectum. Try to make sure that your "date" is fairly close to one of these events, and that you shower and do the soapy finger thing before he arrives. All will be good. Why would you put stuff into you that would basically turn everything inside of you into a brown slurry and expect that you'd end up with crystal geyser clarity in the end? The posters who said that that also messes with your intestinal flora is also correct. And mucus membranes have mucus to facilitate sliding. (Gross, but it's part of nature, it's how we're designed). If you totally get rid of that, you're inviting a lot of trouble down the road.

by Anonymousreply 100January 6, 2019 7:20 AM
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