Having a bad day? Be Grateful You're Not Mrs. Helmus.

We can rule-out Charles Swan & Benjamin Helmus, as they were still in jail for using foul language while being Black. Plus they were arrested in Albany in 1857, but you can't be too careful.

I threw it.

Here's what I think happened:

Dr. John Milton Gifterman, of 201 2d Street, treated Mr. Satree Lamonagoe, an Italian of no known address, for a concussion received yesterday when Bessie Hawkins, of 13-1/2 Street NW, caused a board to fall from a great height onto Mr. Lamonagoe's head. It seems that Miss. Hawkins was distraught to have learned that Mr. Lamonagoe had recently taken-up with Mrs. Helmus of 10th and B Streets. The details so disgusted the attending physician, that he went to the market to purchase a pickle to throw at Mrs. Helmus, which he did forthwith. Mrs. Helmus, assuming that she was pickled by Miss Hawkins, attacked her with a hatchet later that day. Charles H. Lincoln initially offered an ironclad alibi for Dr. Gifterman, but later recanted. All were arrested.

It's awfully sporting of the newspaper to provide their readers with the addresses of the complainants, isn't it?

[quote] ...Charles H. Lincoln initially offered an ironclad alibi for Dr. Gifterman [italic]in exchange for an opium tonic, [/italic]but later recanted. All were arrested.

Fixed it.

How is Mrs. Helmus doing? I'd heard she's taken to bed with the vapors.

I don't know, R6, but I hope she's not seeing Dr. Gifterman!

In lieu of thoughts and prayers, you can send flowers and gifts to her address at 10th and B Streets, DC.

Love it!

I wonder what Mr. Helmus thinks about all of this? Has he been ruled out as a suspect?

It was me. I was bored.

[quote] It was me. I was bored. Love, Pres. TR.

Pres. TR, doesn't Mount Rushmore count for anything? Let's see. It's Washingtin, Lincoln, Jefferson, and...and... TR!

Correction: in yesterday's edition, Mrs. Helmus, a German woman living at 10th and B Streets, was reported to have been pickled by Dr. John Milton Gifterman, residing at 201 2d Street. In fact, she was cucumbered, not pickled. We regret the error.

Just for the record, OP denies any involvement with the cucumber assault on Mrs. Helmus. I can certainly think of better things to do with a cucumber.

Clearly it was Radical Muslim Terrorists, if they hadn't been so afraid to say those words then, we wouldn't be having these problems today.

B Street is now Constitution Ave.

Ah, yes, R14! Thus as it always was! Those Mohammedans will be the end of the Republic!

I could not have thrown cucumber. I was just little girl! Yet coworker Beth Ann Hawkins gives me cucumber every Christmas, plus stinkeye.

I refuse to look at her.

Vivian Vance is currently leading in the poll, but I am a little skeptical.

Here is a Marriage & Death Notice for Isaac in the September 20, 1806 Weekly Visitant of Salem, Massachusetts, poor fellow.

Ok Svetlana, we'll take your word for it.

I had a cucumber thrown at me today.

Sounds like lezzie drama.

I think it was shitty little Ann. Cucumbers repeat on her.

Were any cucumbers broken in the alleged incident?

There were some smashed cucumbers, yes.

I BLAME THE T!!!

It was Father O'Reilly, he's taken to the bottle again!

Father O'Reilly was just reassigned to a Baltimore parish. No one seems to know if it was already planned before the incident or not, but it looks very suspicious.

BREAKING ***** BREAKING ***** BREAKING

There has been a rash of cucumber assaults reported in DC, NYC, and LA in the last hundred and twelve years and the threat is growing. Flyover land is under threat [italic]eventually, [/italic]the CDC in Atlanta reports. People with a history of histrionics are particularly susceptible. Officials say the pandemic is worse in Mid-August when everybody and their brother are trying to give away their excess cucumbers and heirloom tomatoes from their backyard Victory Gardens. You are reminded, if you see something, for God's sake, say something!

This is a DISGRACE! And they never convicted the perp, which is another DISGRACE!

Cucumber bump!

It was Helen Lawson. She was 10 years old back in '04.

I find it interesting that they point out the fact that some of the alleged miscreants are blacks and Italians but don't do so for others. Everyone else is referred to by just name or Mr. or Mrs. I think that practice in some newspapers persisted until not too long ago.

The one that interested me at OP's link was Bessie Hawkins who had "scalp wounds and an injury to her face." "Her explanation of the injuries was that another woman had assaulted her with a hatchet."

My D.C. in those days was as rough as Florida today.

I can't believe you people think Mrs. Helmus cucumbered herself. Obviously it was Dr. John Milton Gifterman.

WHO THROWED THAT CUCUMBER AT ME?

Has this been submitted to Websleuths? Hasn't Mrs. Helmus gone without justice long enough??

Mrs. Helmus always wanted a facial

It was I!

R38, Not guilty by virtue of good grammar.