My heart just bleeds reading this. Obviously, he's not gay because no handsome gay man would ever, ever say this.
"t’s not easy being a man, you know,” Dylan Moran once said. “I had to get dressed today … and there are other pressures.” Most men tackle this daunting prospect with good planning, cultivating a wardrobe of sensible, durable clothing that will keep us warm as we chase our monthly sit-on mower sales targets, and that – crucially – will mean we don’t stand out.
Never stand out. Resist the urge to roll up the bottoms of your trousers to reveal a bare ankle; embrace the social camouflage of muted blues and greys. Slap that gaudy pocket square out of a naive friend’s hand if necessary.
You knew all this – of course you did – but you probably weren’t aware of a new challenge to being a successful man. This bear-trap is the curse of handsomeness. According to a new study from University College London’s School of Management, men are more likely to be overlooked for competitive roles that rely upon individual talent – sales positions, for example – if they are perceived as handsome.
Male superiors who fancy themselves as the alphas in your hedge fund, PPI call-centre or longbow showroom will pass you over for promotion, reluctant to place those they consider to be more handsome at the same level as themselves. Superficially, this seems insightful: why would your boss want to make it any harder to lech on the interns at the double-glazing sales division’s Christmas party by removing the one trump card he has – the fact that he earns more than the handsome guys, and can sack them when he wants?
Handsomeness, or so researchers believe, is equated with competency. What about good-looking women, you may be wondering. Apparently they don’t need to worry, “as female attractiveness wasn’t associated with competence”. But that’s a subject for another day.
The problem with this study – beyond the fact that the UCL team must have discovered the elixir of eternal business growth and perfect job satisfaction – is that the procedure for assessing the bias against handsome people seems to have been little more than to show photographs of candidates during a CV sift. This method produces a gaping flaw that I or any other physically gifted man will happily let you in on: the rise of male grooming, and the widespread suspicion that anyone who looks good owes it to hours in front of a dressing-table mirror rather than genes and exercise.
Of course no leader of men in his or her right mind would promote a man fixated on his own appearance. You can’t give a speech to a room of oil magnates if you’re constantly distracted by your reflection in the autocue. You won’t have the briefing ready for that construction seminar with the Saudis if you’re still applying stage two of the face mask cleanser that leaves your skin as fresh and zesty as an apple grown on the side of Mount Fuji. More seriously, your peers might just think that you’re a raging narcissist. And most bosses haven’t got a clue when it come to distinguishing between the naturally handsome and those who spend every waking hour trying to compete with us.
In any case, good looks do not get you out of every situation. If I underprepare for a meeting, even a winning smile isn’t going to buy me more than 20 or 30 minutes lateness as I gen up in the nearest available washroom. No sane person selects a dentist or radiographer on the basis of their physical features, although I’m sure some people out there do use attractiveness as a yardstick for competence when selecting a children’s nanny, or pool cleaner."