Your romanticized dreams/fantasies that were shattered by reality

Just about everything. Too ashamed and sad to even communicate it.

My life. It's a mess I'm going to drink myself to death because I'm too much of a coward to do it any other way.

College at a medicre university, a slum on a hill, in NY state.

OP - I felt the same way. When I went to NYU, I was excited and initially amazed. By early October I began to hate the garbage, smell of urine, and the crowds. Winter in NYC wasn't a magical wonderland. It was freezing and alternated between slick icy sidewalks and slushy lakes at street corners. The homeless also began to tear me apart as I passed the same cold people day after day. By May, I couldn't wait to escape the city to finish fieldwork for my masters. I came back to NYC the minimum amount of time to take that degree and escape NYC forever.

Working at the United Nations. Unhappy middle managers shuffling paper, constantly scrounging and fighting for funding of their projects, while watching their ideas die in the bureaucracy.

Living in LA. It has been horrible.

R4 I get it. I was stuck in a city on snother continent a little over 15 yrs ago and high-tailed it out of there back to North America. Most awful 7 years.

Feel bad about hearing about all the homelessness. It's everywhere - not just NYC - and it's awful that we live in a world where people turn a blind eye.

R3 went to RPI !

B & Bs. They are creepy and uncomfortable. The bathrooms are always subpar and the air conditioner in the window rattles. The prices are outrageous for some (Cape May, Saratoga) and the lack of amenities (pool, gym, room service) are somehow sold as "rustic charm." Plus the owners are always weirdos--why the hell would I want to eat breakfast with you?

Never again.

I actually had the B&B trepidation but all of my experiences have been good. Even the ones that aren't all impressive when I first arrived turn out to be fine by the time I checked out.

NYC life also brought my drug and alcohol problems to the tipping point. My love of pot in high school and college led to me being stoned non-stop in grad school. I also decided to drink all the beer at McSorleys that I could. It was a low point in my life. Luckily I sobered up. The only bright spot was the NYC music scene. I hung at the Lone Star, Bottom Line, and other clubs. I spent hours talking to Jaco at 55 Bar. I had lunch with Chet Atkins. I talked baseball with Steven J Gould while eating my PB&J sandwich. I met Richard Leakey and Jane Goodall. Those things could only happen in NYC.

Gotta agree with R1 and R2. I thought I was Ms Independent but it turns out that I'm Ms Pathetic.

Going after the bad boy...my advice, don't do it!

My adult life.

I moved to San Francisco sight unseen and thought California was all fun in the sun. Not true. the place was freezing year round and the housing was all pretty much unheated. It took me 15 years to escape that place.

Agreed re: San Francisco. I bought a convertible shortly after arriving, and rarely drove with the top down. When I did, people thought they could just talk to you as you stopped at a light or parked. Or worse, throw things at you. Never understood that one. I got pretty sick of getting hit up ten times in a two block wak to Stabucks, and it never mattered if you gave them money or not.

Then there was the drug scene. I don't think anyone in SF is sober. I had every drug I know of offered to me frequently, at first thinking it was a police sting. And it was cold for about 10 months out of the year.

But, when it was beautiful, it was extraordinarily so. If you have money, SF is a wonderful place to live, very walkable, clean air, and just a gorgeous city filled with gorgeous people.

Owning a house. My family always lived in apartments so I told myself I would own a house by the age of 25. I bought a lovely little bungalow in a "mature" neighbourhood and settled in looking forward to BBQs, mowing the lawn, shoveling snow. Within two years I had sunk close to $30k in work in that shitbox--leaking basement, new sump pump, new shingles, new electrical, new windows. The final straw was the furnace giving out in January and having to shell out $6k for a new furnace and AC.

I am now happily ensconced in a two bedroom apartment with all the repair bills being the responsibility of the owner.

Winning an Academy Award and then marrying a rock star.

Whoop-de-freakin-do.

Being childless, taking care of my elderly frail mother who i had a bad relationship with and yet feel the need to care for because she is alone . Never saw this outcome .

By the age of 12 I got the terrible frightening sense that life was a nightmare.

And everything has proved me right.

Just unlucky I guess.

You can only try so much.

Llet me name just two. I got corporate jobs with two high end companies which everyone knows. Well maybe not the high end Italian fashion house.

Dream jobs. But let me tell you after a few years they drive you into the dirt. Thank god I didn't have a house or family to support.

I am out of the corporate world forever. Glamorous Manhattan, you can have it!

Although I kept my poker face, it was when he said he could never have children.

Moving to London for university. It was painful as fuck. I was shocked by the near-poverty, the rent, the horrible weather. It wasn't glamorous in the slightest, just a city of immigrants from the third world barely treading water.

I thought I would escape the yoke of family and live unfettered. I would travel, be free. So lived my life as a single, had my fun and relationships but none lasted. Now post 60, I have my freedom. But I find I am free to grow old alone, facing a lonelier future by the year.

I came to LA and wanted to work as a casting director.

Well, that's only partly true. I wanted to cast people in my life so they could fill the void left by the people who were incapable or unwilling or unable to love me.

Most recently, I thought I found someone to help with that. But when it wasn't convenient he walked out of my life.

I'm sad but it hasn't killed me.

I hope to survive all this crap yet.

I've never had any romanticized dreams/fantasies but one.... that I would know the feeling of being loved and wanted.

That has never happened and I've given up on it.

I've known I was doomed since I was a child. Now in my middle years I'm convinced that my life has been a cosmic joke, that some Creator is having a laugh at my expense.

R8=Cornell graduate trying to redirect the obvious reference.

I dreamed if I worked hard people would hire me. Ho ho ho.

When I realized I would never be a teen model.

Going to Miami and returning with the guy I fell in love with to europe.

It has been a nightmare I. got robbed in miami and the guy justs uses me.

I thought I'd have beach friends.

Marriage

Going to film school at UCLA. I thought I would be set for life in the film industry. I was a small town girl and thought it might be easy if I went to a good film school. It wasn't. While in college, they filled our heads with "once someone sees you graduated from UCLA with this degree, it will open doors." It hasn't. In fact, sometimes it has worked against me where people I've interviewed with said, "Oh, you went to FILM school..." while laughing. Because you realize fairly quickly in the film industry that none of that matters. It only matters who you know and who can get you "in" somewhere. Or if you have a penis which seems to open some doors. It's been 20 years since I graduated. I have worked editing porn for the past 18 years and I barely make enough money to get by since I spent 18 years paying back my student loans. I had to have a steady job and porn was steady. So while George, Luke and John get hired right out of high school at their uncle's post house and are making 6 figures, I'm looking at cum shots and cutting incest scenes.

I've pretty much given up trying. Believe me, I've done the working for free, networking, etc. Oh sure, I might be able to land a gig on a reality show for a few weeks with 70 hour work weeks, no overtime, and no health insurance but then in a few weeks I'd be unemployed and freaking the fuck out. Film is a crappy profession. Talent gets you no where.

r25 I am in the exact same situation. r20 That sense from an early age that things were going to tough (or a nightmare as you well put it) has been on my mind practically every moment of the day these past 9 months.

Lost my job 9 months ago. I apologize for not scrolling back but I agree with whoever indicated the silly or foolish concept that hard work will be recognized. And you'll be safe. Not quite.

Also found out when you're not in the working world, you basically become invisible. Worsened by absence of family (never had) or friends to rely or be there when the going gets tough.

I sometimes think that if someone had given me a movie (condensed into 2 hours) portraying how my life would unfold - I really hate to say this, but I would have given this all a pass - if given the choice. Not being a cry-baby, just stating a thought.

Holy crap this thread has struck a nerve and brought out some vulnerability on DL. My heart goes out to everyone who is hanging in right now, depression, anxiety and crushed dreams can really weigh you down.

[quote] and the guy justs uses me.

Are you still together, R28? If so, why?

Working in the corporate world. TV made executive jobs seem so sexy and cool when I was growing up as a gayling. so rarely does anybody March into the the boardroom and take over the company. As far as I know there is very little desk Fucking going on either.

r31 Really sorry to hear that. About the connections which you say literally open doors. Dated this guy (this was more than 20 years ago) whose father was in the television industry and sold the cluster of TV stations to a cable company.

The guy who was an aspiring 'wanna-be' director spent at least 10 to 15 years trying to break in. He got some opportunities to interview high profile people (due to his father's own wealth and reputation) but he struggled something awful to get anywhere. Finally, he moved to L.A. and I don't that worked out at all.

I was speaking to older (and wiser) members of his family a few years ago, and they frankly admitted he had no talent. They would have to help write /edit scripts for him. So they knew he wasn't going anywhere in the film industry.

And he had a name, some funding to help him attend film school, an in at a publicly-funded TV network but zero talent. But he try hard, I would give him that. (I also knew from having attended some of parties comprised of folks in film, he was doing coke, and a lot of pot like the rest of them).

For me, it was the belief that determined Christian kindness would bring me success and happiness.

I was raised by religious parents. They sweetly, yet firmly, instilled in me the importance of remaining kind, polite, and humble at all times. Not only was this proper behavior in general, it was required demeanor as an upright Christian. I entered adulthood believing that not only would this translate into a happy and successful life for me, but it would enlighten and change the people around me, particularly the negative ones. My very kindness would simply turn people around.

I did my best to never lose my temper, to never be unkind. I was extremely thoughtful, patient, and understanding. I listened, cooperated, and strived to never create any difficulties with anyone. I constantly worked on this, and would feel horrible whenever I slipped up. My tactic for dealing with negativity was to "kill it" with kindness and prayer. After all, God would prevail with an appropriate response to such situations. My belief was to step back so that could happen.

Well, it didn't. I ended up becoming confused, angry, and disappointed. Waiting on my well-honed kindness to create success and happiness in my life, or God to intervene on my behalf, proved horribly futile. Basically, you can't expect good things to happen, or bad things to be resolved, based solely on how amazingly affable are. Reality demands that you acknowledge situations for what they actually are, and take appropriate measures to address them.

So, at an older age, I'm learning just that. Recognizing what's happening, and becoming confident in directly addressing it. I can't always be nice and agreeable, because that's not realistic. I can't wait for God to step in, because that'll take forever. I now understand that I can't expect things to change based on my acting kind. If I want something, I take action. If it doesn't work, I either try again, or move on to something else. As a result, I'm a lot happier, which is starting to bring me some success in my life.

R34 Because hes all I got and Im not ready to let go of him. I know its better to let go but I rather have this than nothing.

r38 I was in a similar position once or twice and I was my own worst enemy for allowing emotions to cloud my ability to objectively assess the relationship and move on ASAP.

It's a trap that is far more common than you may realize. One just "feels stuck" and part of your brain is trying to protect you from further harm but the other is choosing to ignore it and take action.

It's not a very pleasant way to live. I just hope at some point in the not too distant future, you will be able to summon the energy and courage to leave. No battles or harsh words. You'd be amazed at what freedom and happiness feels like once a heavy burden or stress is removed from your life.

[quote]So while George, Luke and John get hired right out of high school at their uncle's post house and are making 6 figures

Yep. Everyone loves to talk about Speilberg making films as a child to frighten his sisters but everyone ignores the fact that his uncle worked at a studio and got him his first job.

Sorry to hear it worked out badly for you pornchick. It took me until the age of 30 to finally realize it [bold]is[/bold] all about who you know and not what you know. I hoped that was bullshit but it really isn't. Connections are all that matter.

A massive penis in my ass.

Getting older. I romanticized old age and Imagined myself financially comfortable, not necessarily rich, but certainly not in dire poverty like I am. I also thought I'd have someone in my life, and be in reasonably decent health, age considered. Instead, I'm disabled & in terrible health, which happened early, I'm in extreme poverty, and alone. All my family & relatives except one are dead, and he's in worse shape and more in need than I am.

It's hard enough to meet someone without being too sick & poor to go anywhere or do anything.

Being alone and "free."

I'm sorry you are in such dire straits, R42. I want to say something that will make things seem better, but that would be disrespectful to your experience. One thing, somehow I get a sense of inner fortitude from your post, I admire that and want to recognize it. Sometimes all we have is ourselves. If we lived near we could be friends.

I'm sorry to hear that, r42. I don't even know how to address something like that. I certainly won't tell you to "take it to God," "the Lord works in mysterious ways," or "your blessings shall be delivered in Heaven," because that's some bullshit. You're dealing with the right now. You need clear options for clear choices. I just wouldn't know what they are for someone in your predicament.

Have you looked more further into online communities? We're more connected than ever before, thanks to technology. One can converse and exchange information through Skype and such. Just being able to talk to someone and share some laughs might alleviate some of the pain you're feeling. It also might bring some type of assistance you never knew existed.

Don't give it all up yet. There are still so many possibilities out there, from people who haven't yet had the opportunity to meet you. Good luck.

[quote]It only matters who you know and who can get you an "in" somewhere. Or if you have a penis which seems to open some doors.

To be fair, that second advantage is a very rare talent.

Born in San Francisco and a New Yorker for the last 15 years, I have loved living in both cities. Yes, it can be a grind, but, IMHO, the positives far outweigh the negatives.

To answer the OP, the assassinations of Harvey Milk and George Moscone shattered my dream that, as gay people, we could be widely accepted by the world at large. For every tiny bit of progress we make, there are people out there who will do anything, including giving up their lives (eg Dan White) to take it away from us.

In the ensuing 37 years it hasn't changed. Look at Kentucky. People there voted for a right-wing fanatic, who vowed to destroy their health care because he embraced Kim Davis, the woman who refuses to issue same-sex marriage licenses. They put their well-being, and the well-being of their children, at risk because of their intense hatred of gay people. Voters in Houston just voted to deny us the right to live where we want and hold a job without fear of being fired simply for who we are. The leading Republican candidate spews hateful nonsense such as "A lot of people who go into prison straight, and when they come out they’re gay." And three other Republican candidates appeared alongside Kevin Swanson, who openly advocates for the killing of gay people.

Yes, in the big scheme of things, we are making progress, and in my little Manhattan world, things are pretty good. But I have given up ever being embraced by society at large.

This thread is making me HORNY!!

That 50th load. I honestly couldn't distinguish it from the 18th or the 32nd load, or any of the others for that matter.

That I could ever find a boyfriend who won't cheat or get bored and leave me.

I've felt an urge to fuck women. It's serious. I am a 39 yrs old gay married and my sexuality has been enormously changed since one year so far. Never expected that!

Moving to Los Angeles, owning a home, finding love. All shattered dreams for me.

Why bother with the trolling R51. You do realize, Dr. Carson, that nobody here is ever going to vote for you?

I concur with those saying it's not what you know, but who, that makes the difference. Many times I have wished that someone would have just told me such things, but in this case, someone did and it didn't impact my decision making in any meaningful way. I had a wonderful professor in college who spent half of the class (an honors program that gave technically-oriented people a graduation credit without having to take a near graduate level history class) discussing how to succeed in the world, and instead of heeding his advice, I mistook it for being informal and not taking him or the subject matter seriously.

It's hard to overcome being an introvert, and gay, and a nerd. Oh, how I wish I'd grown up in more recent times, when being gay isn't such as issue, and nerds are celebrated. But a less-than pleasant childhood combined with living in a religious region lead me to cut ties and get as far away from the people I knew and who knew me as possible. I had grand illusions that I would grow up, have lots of friends, and both throw and attend lots of parties and social events, neither of which happens without a solid foundation to build upon. So my advice to my nieces and nephews and anyone who will listen to an old fart is to make as many friends as you can and work to maintain those relationships, starting as young as possible.

R54 wrote what I wanted to say but he was much more articulate.

I was a loner growing up, not by choice, but because of an alcoholic father who forbade us from socializing and a mother who was afraid of going out in public with her drunk husband out of fear of what he would do. And also dad was very unpleasant to be around so we very rarely had visitors. I never learned how to cultivate connections and like R26 I believed hard work would get me noticed.

I look at several of my nephews and nieces; those whose parents were like mine and sheltered their kids from the world are not doing well even with very good educations. And those whose parents are very social are doing very well. My nephew was just hired as the HR for a company managed by the guy who was my BIL's best man when he married my sister.

A middle aged divorced lady I knew at my first job out of HS once said to me after I was passed over for a promotion that went to a guy who had started just a few months earlier and was a screw up--it's not what you know it's who you blow.

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man: No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war; our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t.

And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.

And yet somehow the actions either aren't there or are misdirected into libertarian nonsense or cultural idiocy instead of destroying the fascist rich and military.

Love. I don't think it will ever be possible in my life.

Being a loner and friendless in school I thought as an adult people would get over their childishness and I'd make close friends who would always be there for me and we'd have great times and share great memories. Sadly adult life is worse than childhood and just as lonely.

I used to think environmentalists (professional ones, I mean) were soft, cuddly, touchy-feely people who would encourage us all to save the planet by using public transit and turning down the thermostat.

Unfortunately, where I live, most of them work for big consulting firms whose Environmental Impact Assessments (EIAs) enable even bigger multinationals to get their projects approved by regulators. As far as the EIAs go, the longer and more obfuscatory, the better. And the environmentalists themselves? Nastiest bunch of fuckers you'd ever NOT want to meet.

"Going to film school at UCLA. I thought I would be set for life in the film industry. I was a small town girl and thought it might be easy if I went to a good film school. It wasn't. While in college, they filled our heads with "once someone sees you graduated from UCLA with this degree, it will open doors." It hasn't. In fact, sometimes it has worked against me where people I've interviewed with said, "Oh, you went to FILM school..." while laughing."

Wow. I think you and I went to UCLA film school roughly at the same time. My experience was much the same except I'm not editing porn. Film is a boys club; it pays well and gives them unlimited access to pussy that would ordinarily be way out of their league- why would they open that up to women?

I also thought that when I was younger and interested in someone but the situation wasn't right (they were partnered or whatever), there would always be someone else. Little did I know that you don't feel strongly about most people you meet, only once in a while and decreasingly so as you age. I look back at several missed opportunities and regret.

Wow, r62. Your post struck a chord with me.

I have long wondered about this in my own life.

I had heard the phrase "too many fish in the sea" as an admonition not to get hung up on one person, and I thought this would be the case when I starting dating.

But this sentence you wrote sure has been my experience as well:

"Little did I know that you don't feel strongly about most people you meet, only once in a while and decreasingly so as you age."

At 61, I keep an open mind but I keep my expectations low as well.

R54 & R55 & R59

Yep, all of that.

R61

That explains everything that is wrong with the entertainment biz in a nutshell.

College, specifically Berkeley. It was just a degree mill with 1000 seat rooms and GSIs who had no idea what they were doing. The really good high school teachers were better. It exists for research. Fine, but let's not pretend otherwise. I had envisioned passionate discussions and the excitement of learning, discovering the new edge, etc. That happened a bit, but off campus. And when you brought your so fresh it was still wriggling discovery to class, no one wanted to hear it.

Working for a music company. No different than selling aluminum siding except proximity to fame (and free Thai food), so out of sheer boredom ppl who had not been so previously became salivating groupies. At least when I worked there full of very creepy unfuckable guys as well. The shows were truly great, but you can go to shows the regular way. It's better to know the artist.

Working for a defense contractor to get experience in high school because I planned to be a biz major. Nightmare. My introduction to bitter divorced ppl, overweight admins, and cubicles. I had envisioned At least witnessing Important Decisions from afar.

Biz Major: I had some odd idea they would openly train me to be a legal criminal. What I got were frat boy accountants. Of course the legal criminal thing tuned out to be true, but I guess they're only open about once you get to Goldman Sachs. Lol.

Although I this is probably the worst possible site to discuss body image issues you are in good company, most individuals if not all deal have insecurities when it comes to how they look it's really just a part of life. It's just something you have to cope with because most people are never truly "over it"

r61, what year did you attend? I was there from 1993-1995. Bachelor of Arts.

R38 I will try to help myself for sure

Being a child of the 60s, I had great hopes for social change. There was such optimism that all of the horrible events of the past such as oppression, war and economic depressions were a thing of the past. My late mother told me, 'If you live long enough, you'll get to see everything'. While there have been some advances, notably in rights for women, children, gays and other minorities, it's impossible to not see that we are sliding into a new Dark Ages. I keep reading the doom porn for the last 5 years, which keeps warning of a another GEC far, far worse than in 2008. Every day I wait for the axe to drop. I don't need this shit.

R8 perhaps, but wherever, his professors would seem to have accepted sloppy work.

Like others have already mentioned for me I romanticized adulthood. As a kid you have very little control over your life so I thought when I was 21 I'd be my own man--living where I want, working where I want, doing what I want. I'm still being controlled but it's not by parents or teachers it's bosses creditors and landlords. My grandfather used to say, "You'll find your freedom in the grave." I'm starting to think he was right.

R56

You are 100% correct.

The frustrating thing is that it could change overnight, if people would wake up and refuse to ride the monotonous, neaningless conveyor belt to death. If we alk refused to go to busywork jobs and instead live our lives- we'd actually have lives worth living.

It pisses me off that for all practical purpises, my day is already over and it's 7am, because the next 13 fucking hours will be devoted to a job, finally when I get home at 7pm, I'll feed the dogs, have ten minutes of me time and repeat the futility if it alk again tomorrow, next week, month abd fkr at least 23 more years. Need I say that retirement will not be an improvenent?

Ha. Becoming some kind of dashing 'world traveler' -- until I found out how expensive it is and how exhausting and infuriating it can often be. Not just talking about airport security and boors who have to loudly announce their every move to someone ("Well, boarding my plane now. . . ") to someone via cellphone. I still travel, but have scaled it back considerably.

I had more freedom in my 20's and 30's than my 40's and 50's. Because I took that freedom, means I didn't set or achieve the financial means to have more freedom in my 40's and 50's. Simple as that. My job is a grind but its a human profession and I do get energy from the contact so there's that grace note to it.

So true, R75. I did the same. I also disdained the pursuit of material things and conspicuous consumption, telling myself that I didn't want or need "things". I chose a profession which satisfied my need for service and connection. Unfortunately, I didn't anticipate that money equals freedom more and more as one grows older.

I think we're all in the same boat R73 R75 & R76. I never thought life would be so expensive at 45. Even basic necessities are more expensive than I imagined they'd be. I took jobs I was happy in and my cousin took jobs that made money. Today he has a net worth of $1 million and I'm budgeting like a madman to keep my head above water.

Getting the "person of my dreams" - even ending a relationship to have a chance to date that special someone... only to find out my crush was shallow, selfish, and boring. Ugh

I am R75. I suppose I was not clear. I had more freedom in my 20's and 30's and don't regret it. In my 40's I broke up with my partner, and you know that changes a lot financially. Now in my 50's I make good enough money but yeah I have to work full-time to retirement. So I have less freedom. I do NOT regret when I took the freedom.

I will also point out, when one is 53, and works full time, one cannot play as hard as I did when I was 23 and worked full-time. I need to rest a fair amount when I am not working.

And yes I understand those in middle age who are on very tight budgets and DO regret not digging in early. I wish I had more of my own retirement money that built up by this point, but I don't, but that's life.

I thought once closeted types finally came out they would be my friends. No such luck. They still act like they can't be bothered to be civil to me, none of them has ever apologized for all or any of the lies, and they STILL seem to be hoping misfortunes will befall me to prove that they were a superior kind of person all along. I just don't understand. I'm not asking for a pound of flesh, an occasional "hello, how are you" would have been enough.

R68 aka pornchick: We TOTALLY went there at the same time! If it's any consolation: I think about 95% or more of people who go to film school end up not working in film. It's a tough industry and if you don't have connections, odds are, you won't be part of it.

Not sure how you feel about porn though I would imagine editing porn day in and out to be spectacularly soul sucking; maybe you can switch gears?

If I were pornchick I'd be flicking the bean all day.

Miserable or unhappy people tend to see the down side of everything- as with most on this thread. If you cannot see why you are lucky to be in a city like NYC- you are very likely going to have a hard time everywhere. I'm 62 and life has not been a bowl of cherries all the time. Luckily I don't feel like bubbles have been bursting most of my life. On the contrary- most has lived up to expectations and much has exceeded. That which has been disappointing has never come as a big surprise. I don't have romantic illusions I guess.

Big dicks on handsome men thrilled and Streisand was better in person than on CD! Love was grand and travel always fun. Some friends let me down but I always saw it coming. And I'm not through.

Romanticized dreams/fantasies shattered by reality:

The Dream: A place were gay people who were emotionally abused as children could come together in a loving, supportive manner.

The Reality: Datalounge

R83, you sound really wise. Do you have any advice about life, in general? I have no family, nobody to tell me such things...

R83 - I totally disagree. Not everyone is cut out for city life, and NYC is soul crushing when you realize that you are most comfortable living in suburbia close to the ocean.

When I was a teenager, a very handsome Highway Patrolman bought the house next door, I had a huge, huge crush on him and fantasized that he might be gay. Surprise! He was! Either he wasn’t attracted to me or he respected the fact that I was jailbait, and I could never get to first base with him. But a few days after I turned 18, he invited me over one evening to look at his new pickup, and we were soon naked in his bedroom. Here I was, with my #1 sexual idol standing right in front of me, his cut, suntanned California cock standing at attention, a roguish smile on his lips, my hand lightly caressing his absolutely perfect bubble butt, enjoying the feeling of my fingers sliding between his buttocks, ever nearer his A-hole,—and he farted! It was not only loud, but quite malodorous. It completely destroyed the mood. We had sex and I guess it was okay, but it was quite jarring to get first-hand evidence that my idol had bodily functions just like everyone.

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

r87 wins!

ONLY on DL can you read a fart story followed by a Frost poem !

Not really a dream, but more like a fancy shattered by reality. It was probably 1984. At a large Christmas party with an open bar, I realized that I was going to be served for free any cocktail that I dared request. I had dressed up, and felt very grown up, and was trying to behave like a sophisticated grown up. I was about 17, maybe 18 and had certainly tried beer and wine in furtive sips before, but what only what friends could sneak/steal. Throughout my teenage years in the late 70s/early 80s I had seen many fancy ads in friends' mothers' Vogue magazines, and I knew exactly what to order: a Campari and soda! I took a sip and couldn't believe how terrible it was. How could something such a beautiful color taste so awful? I pretended like it tasted divine, and damn I sipped away the whole thing rather than admitting I thought it was vile. My tastes have changed so much over the past 30 years, maybe I would like it now, but have never had the heart to try it again.

Things are seldom what they seem.

R87 what did he say after he farted? Did he acknowledge it or just act like nothing happened?

"Did he acknowledge it or just act like nothing happened? "

Well, I am amazed that you wonder about that. That had me chuckling.

I think R87's fantasy man did him a favour by showing him the reality of how gross sex really is. In reality it isn't pretty or romantic and clean like in the movies. It also showed that the guy was a top; if he were a bottom all R87 would have heard was a hiss.

I'm really sorry, Pornchick @ r31, I never knew your story. I WWd you but not out of "ha ha I love that you're struggling" but as a way to give you good karma on DL.

Without going into too much detail: after struggling my whole life to find something I was good at, I discovered several years ago that I was really good at film writing. Well, film criticism, I guess, though I hesitate to use the term because people think a film critic is someone like Peter Travers who apparently wants nothing more than to have his words appear on the blurb of every fucking movie poster and DVD ever printed.

I'm not good at anything else. I can't write fiction, and movies are the only topic that inspire me enough to be good at writing about it.

Turns out that unless you're straight, live in NYC, have an MA in Film Studies and are under the age of about 34, you are fucked. Supremely fucked. Even meeting those criteria isn't much of a guarantee, because no website wants to pay for content and about a million unqualified people are writing for free, so all the 40- and 50-something critics and writers who had jobs have been let go over the last few years. Websites like MSNBC, Grantland, The Dissolve, Spill, AMC's review sites, and more have just disappeared.

I didn't even realize that my goal was a romanticized dream. Had no idea. I thought that if I put in the work, I'd eventually move up the ladder, but nope.

I married the man of my dreams -- a pastor, no less! -- after a period of long-distance dating, but the rose-colored glasses fell off quickly after the wedding. I always had the feeling that he was more interested in his own image than in me. And don't even get me started on his pastoral assistant, with whom he spend WAY more time than with his wife.

Sure, we had a baby, and now we've got another one on the way. But even the counseling hasn't helped our relationship much. Now he's gone off to the gym for his morning workout, and --- hey! What's that noise?

R93 — Oh, the farting cop acknowledged it alright! Hell, he flat-out owned it. I remember the ensuing conversation as if it were yesterday. (Probably because I’ve been telling this story for years). Suave gentleman that he was, at the conclusion of the fart, he said, “Sergeant who?”

“You farted on my hand,” I complained.

“Sorry,” he said, sincerely. “I hope I didn’t get any on you.”

His cavalier attitude and seeming enjoyment of the situation made me think that this wasn’t the first time he’d been responsible for such an atrocity. Don’t get me wrong, I think farting is one of the funniest things on the planet. I just don’t like it when a hot guy farts at me when I’ve got my hand just millimeters from his butthole. I’m sure there are some guys who would pay extra to be farted on, but I’m not one of them.

Aren't you the little prude. It is diseased to get so worked up over a fart.

Better than a shart.

That Coke was the real thing. Now I'm overweight, diabetic and addicted to high glucose corn syrup.

R100 — If you were intelligent enough to recognize the context in which the fart story was posted, you’d see that the poster himself thought it was funny. Considering that the farter was a total object of lust, his pooting on the other guy’s hand was just totally unexpected. Getting worked up over it? It hardly seems so. Next time pay attention to the context in which something’s posted.

OK, r81, now I want to know who you are!! Were you there for undergrad or graduate? Male or female? I totally must know you since it was such a small community!

R99 I had an ex who would fart and then yell, "What'd that asshole say?!"

I was not amused.

Choosing love over money. Don't do it kids. Big, big mistake on my part.

Ok, spill it R106.

R35, I've fucked on my desk, you just sound boring.

R106, keep your advice, I'm much happier without money but with someone I love.

And he keeps making more money every year...so I might get both.

R11, that happens in any big city, just swap out the names of bands, celebrities, etc. NYC isn't that unique.

Moving to Europe (Germany).

Three months ago, all I could think of was the beautiful scenery, the hot guys and the great food. Now that I'm here, the beautiful scenery is impressive; however, everything else has been a nightmare. The hot guys are few and far between, and the migrant crisis is very real and very scary. I can't say I'm ready to pack my bags and head home, but I would caution anyone who thinks living in another country is so much better.

Hell, the one bright spot I was beginning to enjoy is the lack of mass shootings. While Germany hasn't been attacked, what happened in Paris (approximately 2 hrs from where I'm at) was a reminder that anything can happen.

I'd also add: Making six figures. When I was growing up in the late 80s/early 90s, I thought the pinnacle of success was making six figures. You could buy a nice house in the midwest for high 5 figures, so six figures was seen as plain rich. I now make low six figures and I sure as hell don't feel rich (or even middle class). Most of my money goes to taxes and rent...

I can't imagine how people who make far less cope.

Bit of a length one, but when I was a teenager, I had a massive crush on a male model I'd see every now and then in home shopping catalogues and fashion magazines. He was *extraordinarily* handsome (at least, I thought so at the time). Never found out his name until I started using the Internet, so I then had a name to go with the face who popped up in a lot of my adolescant wank-fantasies. About five years ago, a mate of mine moved down to England and I was invited to go spend the weekend with him and his boyfriend in their rather nice new home. Got there and I was told by my friend "you won't believe me, but remember that model you used to fancy? He lives next door..." Cue palpitations. So, after four or five days, (yeah I got into a spot of trouble with my office for calling in sick. Boo, you whore...) I finally got to meet the much lusted-after guy. And, oh my god, what a complete cunt he turned out to be. Yes, he was handsome, but I only just realised how much editing and touching-up is done with photographs. I'd also forgotten that when I first spotted this guy that it was 1997. This guy would have been early to mid-thirties at the time. I had preserved this image of this model in my head of him being circa-1997, so to be confronted by someone who was older (and, I'll admit, losing his looks) was a bit of a shock. But it was discovering that he was married - or, at least at the time getting divorced (discovered from a gossipy neighbour that he and his long-suffering wife had hired a Polish nanny and that the little bastard had been pumping her like a burst lilo pretty much every chance he got and yeah, she took him to the cleaners. Good girl) and *incredibly* nasty towards anyone of a homosexual persuasion (heard him referring to my mates as "fucking paedos living next door") made me realise that he was a complete and utter dripping pus-wound of a human. Plus, he was *very* squeaky-voiced, which went totally against the image he portrayed of a tall, dark, muscular man. We're talking Joey Essex on helium, boys.

*Never* fall in lust with a picture on the Internet or in a magazine, people. Seriously.

Moving to NYC in 1999 with very little money saved and thinking in a year or two I'd be able to afford living in one of those cool white brick apartment buildings. And on a high-up floor with a terrace, no less.

I actually thought that. Was I on drugs? Yes.

Still here, the reality shattering early years behind me. No more drugs, no white brick, no terrace, but not doing that bad.

Having a husband, a house, a white picket fence.

I want to shoot myself

I thought New York life would be like this >>>

But it's more like this >>>

R110,

Uh uh. NYC is unique among big cities in the USA, mainly because it's so compact. People walk when they can, and often public transportation is far faster than a cab. And celebrities here are not usually hounded by paparazzi, so famous people often just go out and about.

In L.A. you're always driving around, spending countless hours on the freeway instead of actually interacting with people in person. Also, LA is a one-company town. NYC not at all.

Outside the states, London is definitely like NYC in this regard. And Paris a bit too.

Not romanticizing NYC... (God knows NYC winters are not to be envied...) Just disagreeing with your assessment.

I used to be a big, big fan of a certain rock band. But through bio's and the net, I came to see what complete scumbags they were, with regard to ripping people off and treating women like dirt, I lost all my earlier illusions.

What I've learned thus far:

1. Paris is more fun to visit than to work and live in. Same for NYC. It's so easy to romanticize both (Woody Allen has a lot to answer for), and the reality is far tougher.

2. The Hamptons is beautiful but dull. Really dull, and in the summers filled with mostly dull, rich people who are desperate to get a break from their back-breaking jobs in the city.

3. The gay "community" I dreamed of being part of as an adolescent doesn't really exist as I'd hoped and thought it would.

4. Dating a model is not nearly as exciting as expected. Once the excitement of the looks wanes, there's gotta be more.

5. Sugar is killing us. That low-fat diet approach where sugar was used to make up for taste? Disastrous.

6. Usually best not to meet your idols.

7. Drinking whiskey and bourbon and the like would be glamorous and exciting. R91, thank you. What a disappointment it was for me to discover how horrible I found most alcohol to taste when I could finally drink it!

Oh, and how could I forget possibly this one...

When I finally got fucked for the first time, it hurt. Big time. The top didn't have lube. I didn't know how necessary that was. I remember lying there, getting pounded and thinking: "I waited all these years for this?"

[quote]When I finally got fucked for the first time

Hawt!

[quote]The top didn't have lube.

NOT hawt.

I was a kid during the Hippy movement and I actually believed all that love&peace and not caring about money shit.

Names R113, names!

Moving to Toronto from a small crap town out west. I thought I'd move, land a great job, meet a great guy, make a ton of new friends etc. 5 years in: I have a job as a paper pusher, I've only managed to date a couple losers, and only made a couple good friends. The cost of living is ridiculously high, the transit is terrible, the people are rude, the gay scene is made up of aids ridden men over the age of 50 etc. etc.

[quote]the gay scene is made up of aids ridden men over the age of 50

Ouch! I'm a born and raised Torontonian and I'm not over 50 nor do I have AIDS. The gay scene here is unfortunately very clique and it's impossible to become a new member of an existing circle of friends even if you're dating someone.

R113 here. I was thinking about this, and I know this is going to sound weepy...

Leaving high school, going to Uni and getting a Great Job and transforming myself completely from the fat gay loser at school into the hot young thing everyone wants to know - *thats* the biggest dream/fantasy I had. My high school years were fucking awful. Dropped out of high school at seventeen, never pased my exams, and - thanks to the cunts I was at school with - my confidence was crippled. It took me ten years - ten very long fucking years - to even start to get over five years of physical and psychological bullying. It took me even longer to accept that I'd never be classed as "good looking" or "sexy" and, you know what, I don't give a fuck nowadays if I am classed as either by anyone. The lack of social life, at the start, was painful - being constantly asked by my mother why I wasn't going out on a Friday with friends, etc -but I started to enjoy my own company. I realised that I didn't need to have to waste time on people I couldn't find anything in common with or have to be in a relationship with someone who either did or didn't understand what made me tick. Somehow got myself through college, got myself a decent job after leaving college, travelled the world for two weeks every year. I know that I'll never be the High Powered Lawyer or Manager (despite being lied to by several people in the past that I could "if only I was more sociable and less aggressive" (you threaten to taser one gay lothario's bollocks and you're suddenly labelled a Mean Gay)) and I know I'll forever be counting the pennies...but you know what? Na. Life's too short to regret things. I know that in my class at high school that the eight boys who bullied me constantly, four of them are dead - two drug overdoses, one car crash, one being stabbed by his ex-girlfriend. No great loss. I know that the girls who mocked me for my weight and appearance are mostly divorced with brats, single with brats or just riddled with some various STI nasty. No great loss. Yeah, I could do with losing some weight (but lasagna is so tasty and I'm a damned good baker as well) and, sure, I'd kill to be a bit taller or have nicer coloured hair - but that's something I can't change. I'd say the biggest fantasy that I'd ever have - of being "socially acceptable" - deserved the crush. Why? Because it's made me realise that having that crush made me stronger as a result. Has it made me meaner? Yes, thank God. Has it made me a better man? Depends on who's asking the question. But, if I was given the option of going back and reliving the past twenty-odd years, I'd probably say no. What's done is done. You can't go back, you can only keep going forward.

Aww, I like you, R127 - I feel a lot the same.

Also, please could R126 take R125 under his wing?

Accepting a job at Facebook.

Can you provide a little more insight, R129?

Meeting Joni Mitchell. And meeting Lou Reed. Both were cunts.

Taking my daughter to a Stevie Nicks concert.

I don't believe a single one of you who says they didn't realize how important money would turn out to be. What you're saying is, if only I had focused on it, I'd be rich. But 99% of you would have focused on it and failed, and wouldn't be rich. So it amounts to a ridiculous belief that entering the game is the same thing as winning the game, as well as an unwillingness to face the political reality that the 1% have been trying to rob you and fix the game to make you redundant pretty much every minute of their lives (well most of the time they've been paying someone else to do that, but it amounts to the same thing). Our society has been designed to make most people fail financially, and if you don't understand that, then you don't understand anything.

So, the for the purposes of this thread, the point is that you didn't focus on money because you knew you weren't a cutthroat pain in the ass who was likely to win the game, and this is your way of pretending you could have done if you wanted to. In reality, you couldn't have done, and you knew that. You are just as good, smart, and hardworking as those people who are rich, and probably morally superior, so this whole game where you pretend that you "could've" had it all if you wanted it seems both unnecessary and ridiculous.

Luck is the only thing that could have made you folks rich, and it's time you faced the fact that the odds were not in favor.

And when rich people tell you, "Anyone can get rich" if they're smart, well, they are not in the best position to judge are they? They are dishonestly justifying themselves, and blaming you, nothing more.

R111 what led you to Germany?

R118, I didn't limit my assessment to the US.

[quote]Accepting a job at Facebook.

R130, For all the hype about an open and transparent team-based culture, there are a lot of behind the scenes political maneuverings and plenty of grabbing/hogging of the spotlight. Much like the Facebook user experience, now that I think about it.

Why would anyone romanticize working at Facebook?

I'll also say home ownership. With each paycheque I'd tell myself I was closer to owning and not renting. When I finally had a down payment I spent 9 months looking for the right place to buy and when I found it I pounced and got it.

It was hell from day one. I came out in the morning after moving in to find the neighbour's dog had shit on my yard. The basement leaked and smelled really bad. The water pressure was weak. The furnace was old and cost a fortune to run. I was the last house on the street so the snowplow always seemed to leave more snow in front of my house than the others. The kids next door never fucking shut up, even at 2AM. And don't get me started on the homophobia.

Over three years the house cost me $17k in repairs all paid for with a line of credit. The final straw was coming home late from work and seeing that I had been robbed and no one saw anything. My neighbours would see every goddamned thing that happened on that street but no one saw my front door get kicked in and all my electronics get carted off.

I put the house up for sale, and have lived in apartments for years moving whenever I get bored or the place starts to get on my nerves.

I know this wasn't the purpose of this thread, but somehow reading everyone's sob stories has given me a sense of hope.

I think the last thing I romanticized was going to college. I was 17. I was hoping I'd meet better likeminded people. I did. the rest was miserable tho. my dorm was full of mold and I was constantly sick from it kicking off years of poor health. I found myself competing hard in basic science classes with the other students much to my chagrin: I hadn't had the luxury of a proper background in any of the subjects.

it took some convincing and a complete physical breakdown but I finally got to go home and take classes at my local cc where it was possible to determine: am I any good at this topic without the distortion of some stupid, pointlessly brutal curve.

that's my only real disappointment. I grew up with a severely disturbed parent who used to emotionally and physically abuse me, & in true character sent me to bizarre cult-like religious schools where I was yelled at constantly for the length of my skirt hem, etc. tough to go lower than that. adulthood seems pretty good, I have no complaints.

Moving to LA. I thought I would like it. I always wanted to move to California. I hate LA and can't wait to leave. The only part of California for me is the Bay Area.

marrying my now husband....three years into our marriage and it's in shambles and I'm ready to leave.

I am fascinated by the people talking about the house. It's funny because I would love to buy something, but I simply cannot afford it. I have talked to other people who have told me that their house is a thief and it is interesting to see the stories here. Makes me feel better about not buying anything. Most of my friends who have bought are miserable and struggling and I just think it looks like more hassle than it should be.

R145--you are smart. You did your homework...and you are listening. I love my house; I have space, privacy, autonomy and trees. But (like others have mentioned) I have broken boilers and giant oil bills, a gardener to pay and constant, and I mean constant, repairs. If you're not very comfortable financially then don't do it!

Does anyone here regret buying a condo?

I learned the truth at seventeen that love was just for beauty queens.

R147 - I think everyone has some buyer's remorse on any housing purchase. My condo is fine - gorgeous views and it's all I need. BUT, it's just a 1 BR and I always want to have a 2BR/2BA. Why? I rarely have overnight visitors - they would just go to waste. And my monthly assessments would be close to $1100 in my building. So why do I think about it? It's stupid.

Then I see what other types are moving into my high-rise - mainly renters. Some real trash - and immigrants who live 3-4 people to a 1BR so they can feel like they've 'made it' in a high-rise with a view.

I also have remorse about buying a condo that I could completely re-do my self. What a fucking headache remodeling was! And the money I spent. I would have been better off having a slightly higher mortgage payment and saving away the tens of thousands of dollars I spent. And then second-guessing some of my remodeling decisions.

Maybe I'm just wired like that. But there are no guarantees that you won't have any regrets or doubts about any housing purchase.

After reading all these posts I conclude my mother was right. She said: I expect too much from people, no one is really happy, be careful what you wish for because you might get it, I never promised you a rose garden, you're not thin and pretty like your sister but you're smarter, are his parents that short, you're no spring chicken.

I have made peace with the fact that my life is more than halfway over, nothing turned out as I had planned, the only man I ever loved betrayed me in the worst way possible, has no feelings for me, I can't forget all our years together, I had some great times in college, in my youth, with my family, but they are over now. I am at peace. I accept what is because I have no choice

r42 -- I forget what part of the New Testament this was in, but it said that there were some places so bad, that even Jesus couldn't help, so He did no great works there.

He just left.

I struggle to understand whether R151's contribution is a mistake, or the bitchiest thing I have ever read.

[quote] I've pretty much given up trying. Believe me, I've done the working for free, networking, etc. Oh sure, I might be able to land a gig on a reality show for a few weeks with 70 hour work weeks, no overtime, and no health insurance but then in a few weeks I'd be unemployed and freaking the fuck out. Film is a crappy profession. Talent gets you no where.

That's why I didn't bother to go to film school and just networked with people in my hometown who volunteer for public access TV. I did more actual stuff there than I would have had I followed your career path.

The Gay Rights club at college. I expected people with ideals, respect for one another and respect for and support for new gays fresh out of the closet. Nope, they were meaner than any straight. In fact, they would even join the bullies and homophobes in the harassment. They were old enough to know better, too.

I was a poor kid, and I got an art scholarship. Went to art school (BFA) in Big City. Then, immediately took a graphic design job in the midwest, in order to buy a house and pay off student loans.

Upon returning to the Big City, was told I would never again get a job (I was 30) because I had been living in a fly-over state. Evidently, employers look that up.

As starry eyed youth moved from the bosom of my family to big bad El Lay to be with my first love who promptly dumped me for a older doctor and the promise of a industry career. Of course newbie was heartbroken. Lunkhead moved back to Fl after 24 months . I've been in LA for 24 years. My reality has been better than then his fantasy.

Landing a job with a major investment bank. It was the worst experience of my life: long hours, the boss from hell, cube farms as far as the eye could see, and you couldn't walk a block from the beautiful glass office building without the fear of being mugged hanging over your head. NYC? No, Wilmington, Delaware, Murdertown, USA

Oddly enough losing weight. I was always fat and my father would stop me when I tried to diet saying boys don't diet. Around the age of 28 I got fed up with being fat and within a year lost 150 pounds.

I still had back problems, still had high blood pressure, and now had all this loose skin. And on top of that I still couldn't find a decent job, still couldn't make friends, and still couldn't get laid.

I spent years thinking just losing weight would change my life but I was exactly where I had always been.

I read this thread with interest and various elements resonated with me. It was again another reinforcer of this reality: Regardless of how things look for others from the outside, one has no idea what their lives are truly like and what they're dealing with.

When my brah married that right wing slut.

Thinking that when people grow up they stop blaming their parents for all their problems.

I thought becoming an adult would mean more freedom and the chance to live my own life, because that's always how it was on TV and in the movies. The reality is I have less freedom today than I did as a teen.

Hmmm.

R158 I loved being thin...it was the highlight of my life. Yeah sure my psychological and personality issues were still with me, but life just was a lot more enjoyable and comfortable. Too bad it was so fleeting for me. Maybe if you had gotten the excess skin removed you'd have been able to enjoy it more.

R150 Life never turns out the way you expect it. Years ago I met my partner in a gay movie house, it was love at first sight. He was married and left his wife for me, we had a great life together and were the envy of many of our friend, I thought it would last forever. After 16 years together he passed away from AIDS and I went into a 3 year depression. At the same time my company was reorganized and I was let go, we had just bought a large condo and I was frantic as to how I was going to pay the mortgage, I couldn't sell because 6 month after we purchased the condo the RE market collapsed and no one was in the market to buy.

After I was let go I found another job at another cosmetic company for slightly more money and was able to carry the mortgage but I was broke at the end of the month. I found another position in another division at the same company it seemed like an ideal job being in charge of global packaging but it turned into a nightmare. I always had to work though lunch and had to be in early to conference with the overseas offices I was paid very well but was burned out after 3 years and had to move on.

I'm not sure if this thread makes me feel better by comparison, or worse that I can relate to so many of the posts on here.

I grew up in the 1970s and 80s. Went to college more than once to "find myself" and figure out what I was good at and what I wanted to do with my life. Always struggled to fit in and feel confident. No one explained that in order to be marketable, you have to know how you help others make money. I only learned that as a mature adult. No one emphasized how important it would be to meet people and build relationships. I only learned that later.

I'm and introvert and am alone much of the time. I've gotten used to it, but it would be nice to have a relationship with another introvert who isn't needy for attention. If I had all the money I wanted -- enough to be out of debt and pay for food and clothes -- I would be comfortable living alone and quietly. But I don't have that money, so I have to keep working, playing the game.

There are times when I consider becoming a monk.

That I would fall in love and not die alone.

That exercise would tighten my moob chest. My big ol titties are still there in every reflection I catch in a window, every time I look in a mirror and any time I'm choosing something to wear. I resolved this year to finally take the drastic action it has needed and go for surgery. Wish me luck DL!