Bisexual male falling in love with straight, married friend

Mark my words OP. This will end in tears. Being honest with yourself is the only way you can be honest with this type of 'relationship'. Get out of the closet already. It's 2015!

Well, thanks a whole fucking lot, OP!!!

Before you do anything, you need to realize that you're gay and falling in love with a man. Until you deal with that basic, fundamental issue, you're not ready for anything.

Why did you have to point out the fact that you're bisexual?

OP... if you can play the passive role, go for it. He very well could be interested. There's an art to it though. Go slowly. Have patience.

Have you ever invited him over to your place?

I had a crush on a straight guy at work once. I realized (eventually) that it was never going to go anywhere. The crush was over anyway as we got shifted to different projects. I think he was mostly nice to me because he wanted to be a nice co-worker.

Anyway, in your case, sounds similar. There might be some friendship, but they way you describe it doesn't sound like there will ever be anything more. Move on. If you are looking for love, he is reserving that for his wife /kids / family. Time to get a grip on reality.

OP, have you read the novel Women in Love by DH Lawrence? He argues that even married men need a 'man friend' to be completed.

1. You will gain nothing from telling him about your sexuality. I know it feels like you might - we've all been there - but you won't. The best thing that will happen is nothing, the worst thing that will happen is you'll never see him again.

2. The only way to deal with it is to put some distance between the two of you. It's hard but when you want someone you can't have, the only thing that really fixes it is removing them from your life and finding someone else to focus your attention on. Probably most of it is about you not having anyone else, so find someone that will absorb it.

This is a dead end.

You need to accept that he can't reciprocate and look elsewhere for love.

You can keep him as a friend, but you already fucked that up by not telling him you're bi.

Have some self-respect and professionalism at work. You sound pathetic.

Okay, Op, if you are sincere and you want to move this man to FRIENDZONE, you have to work to get some distance. I understand that is part of the friendship you don't want to lose but it's necessary for you to remain friends. Then get out there an see some people that are appropriate for a relationship. Man or woman get out and date others, and keep your eyes open, so you know it's them.

If your crush/friend asks you why you are being a little distance (and I don't mean cut him out) say you are getting confused and need a little space. Leave it at that. If he questions you on it then be honest. Say you think you are developing some feelings for him but want to respect his marriage. Then ball in his court whether to pick it up or let you have your space to come back to him when you feel you can, hopefully with your own relationship going.

You are lonely dude, and in the military you want a bond. But this is not it for a love relationship.

Here's the thing OP. There might well be something there. He might feel it too. But what's more likely to happen is that you'll get drunk or stoned one night and have sex (think "Y Tu Mama, Tambien")

And in the morning he's not going to look at you and tell you that you're his one true love and he's leaving his wife for you. Far more likely he'll be embarrassed. He might even blame you for everything that happened, claim you seduced him.

It's tough to disengage because everything seems so perfect, and he probably seems like the ideal boyfriend, but you'll be better off when you do.

R5 that's absolutely terrible advice. Are you retarded?

What, there are no gay guys you're interested in OP? And, why the eff are you still in the closet at 30 years old? Be a man for Christ sakes. Don't they teach that in the military? Taking responsibility and act like an adult.

OP - Either get some self-control or ignore the guy. This is the work place - and I'd say the chances you are masking your obsessive attraction are slim to none.

Thy object of your affection doesn't deserve coming to work and have to worry about you drooling all over him.

There is no way you can tell him you're bi now without him thinking you are interested in him. I agree with other posters, put some distance between you. Had you been honest from the beginning, you may have been able to have a great friendship. Sorry, OP.

Thanks everyone. So I reread my post and realized how pathetic it all sounds. I think what was tripping me up was the fact that he pursued the friendship in the beginning and kept wanting to hang out at work (before, lunch, and after). I'm a pretty extreme introvert, so I declined it in the beginning. And he's the kind of person that needs social interaction, but for some reason he doesn't click with the rest of the guys at work. Then I felt bad for him and started to soften up. blah blah blah...

At the end of the day he's just my friend, and I have to realize that. We're close now due to proximity, but will gradually fade as we move our separate ways. Neither of us have social media accounts.

For those that asked, I am closeted because I want to be. If I do end up falling in love with a (single) guy, I'll pursue it; if I do end up falling in love with a (single) chick, I'll pursue it.

We have had conversations before about sexuality, and will probably have more in the future. I'll let him know I classify myself as bisexual. If he wants to stay friends it's cool, if not... well I'm moving in a couple months, so it won't really matter.

Glad I paid the $1.50 to start this thread. Thanks for all the tough advice.

Bisexual men never fall in love with their straight, married, FEMALE friends.

[quote]For those that asked, I am closeted because I want to be.

Well, look at you stomp your military boots, twirl your head and snap your finger.

Oh, no R17. It's always guys. Always.

Just out of curiosity OP who do you think is closeted and doesn't want to be?

OP, I can totally relate to your situation. Many years ago, while I was in the army, I had a girl friend who I had sex with on a regular basis. Then after one very drunken party, I sucked off a guy in my platoon. He never spoke to me again. I know I was infatuated with the guy, but never acted on it until the alcohol took over.

Bad move on my part and good decision on your part.

R17, I don't know too many guys that have platonic female friends, period. The female "friends" I have are either my friends' wives or girlfriends. My job field isn't open to women yet, so I don't have any female work friends.

I imagine if I was surrounded by females all day, I'd have the opportunity to build a friendship like I have with the guy I talked about in the OP.

Yeah sure you would.

OP, you know you could be court-martialed for it if you and this guy fucked around. (And, yes, he probably does want to fuck around.)

Never come out to a straight person whom you have feelings for. Before sharing information about your sexuality, wait until the only feelings you have for him are platonic. And at that point never reveal that you had previously were attracted to him or were in love with him or anything along those lines. You're in a bad position now and you don't want to make it worse.

Call his home when you know he isn't there.

Every time his wife answers, hang up after an obvious pause of hesitation.

Find other ways to undermine their marriage.

Don't kidnap the children, as that will only bring them closer together.

To update you guys, I told him a couple weeks ago. Turns out he's bi too - or straight and curious or something. I don't know. He didn't really put a label on it.

We both agreed it best not to dwell on the whole thing, and to just enjoy each other's company as long as we could. He moved first last week, then I moved from the area, and I'm sure that was the best thing that could happen to us.

[quote]OP... if you can play the passive role, go for it. He very well could be interested. There's an art to it though. Go slowly. Have patience.

You have serious fucking issues. This is terrible advice. "oh yeah, just totes try to seduce him man".

No, the correct advice is to 1)be honest with him about your sexuality if he is is your friend 2)try to move on, go meet other guys and quit thinking about that way.

Anyway, I see the update at R27. What happened is probably for the best OP. Now go meet some other guys and have fun! That guy was married with kids, if he is confused about his sexuality he needs to come to terms with that on his own.

Stroke his hair and say: "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell!"

Good for you, R27. Now you both have good memories with no awkwardness.

Trust me, OP. He knows you are a Mary.

Your next move: PRESENT.... HOLE!

I'm a bi dude who sort of fell in love with my close Marine bro. We became so tight that everyone started asking if we were brothers, although we are of different races. When I had to go to grad school, which meant we would not be seeing each other all the time, our friends said he cried and was tore up about being separated from me. I told him that I was bi, and although he was told me that having sex with a dude would be a sin, I would always be his "bro." Well, I ended up being the best man in his wedding recently, and am his kids' "uncle." As we grew in our platonic friendship, the less attracted to him in that way I became. Now, he is truly just like a blood brother. I am engaged to a great woman who knows I am bisexual, and he will be in my wedding.

R33, I loved your post! Thanks!!

It's called a crush. Mature people learn to ride them out after the teen years.

Sorry R33 and R34, but I just wouldn't be capable of being that close to someone who viewed my life as a "sin." I can certainly tolerate those kinds of folks and I respect their right to believe whatever the hell they want; however, my close pool of friends doesn't include those types.

[quote]My job field isn't open to women yet

Wtf? Do you work in Saudi Arabia or some other foreign shithole?

[quote]I just want my good friend back. I don't want to be in love with him. But this feeling, like I said earlier, it's.... intoxicating. Anyone been in this situation?

Yes, and you're already in love with him. In college I fell in love with my best friend. He had a girlfriend and they became very serious quickly. I was morose and suicidal once it set in that I was gay and in love with a straight man who would never love me the same way, and in fact that I was a potential impediment to happiness and fidelity with his true love, which, if I persisted in my feelings, would eventually make me "the bad guy" and a bit of a sad stereotype.

[quote]How'd it end up for you?

I got into therapy and came out of the closet (even to my friend, who was supportive, although I never confessed my feelings for him). I made new friends and focused on improving my inner self (working on self-esteem, anger issues, spirituality and sorting out my sexuality) instead of "searching for love" in other people.

10 years passed. In that time we graduated, moved apart and eventually my former best friend moved without telling me and we lost touch (back before cell phones). At the same time I built a whole new life and eventually found a man who loved me back. I sometimes look back on my earlier "crush" (which is exactly what it was in retrospect) and cringe, because besides discordant sexual orientations we were just not suited for each other as actual, long-term, real life partners. Buddies, yes, but if we had ever attempted a romantic relationship even in some alternate universe where that was remotely possible, it would have ended badly eventually. We weren't compatible that way; he was fun to hang with but we could never have built a life together.

In short, clarity, distance and self-preservation will clear this all up eventually, but you need to be willing to take a hard look at yourself, sort out your sexuality and proceed on a better, more genuine route. Do NOT allow yourself to continue to pine for him; he's unattainable and you're more likely in love with the idea of him (and your idealized perspective of him) than an actual person. You probably won't remain friends in any scenario. Let yourselves naturally drift appart.

You call yourself bisexual and admit you are closeted but say nothing of relations or relationships with women. Very telling, OP. You need to sort out your sexuality, and soon. You aren't getting any younger. Life's too short.

R5 sound like an 85 year-old sex addict. "Go for it, just invite him over then play the "girl" part, that's what straight guys like." Good lord.

Sex addict? He sounds someone who is basing his life experience on gay porn. God knows the last time he has been with a real person, probably only when he pays for it.

It will pass. It is a phase, don't do anything stupid or you will be looking for a new job. Focus on something else.

Uh, who are these people stupid enough to talk about sex at work? Or even discuss it with a work colleague?

R3 nailed it, OP:

[quote]Before you do anything, you need to realize that you're gay and falling in love with a man. Until you deal with that basic, fundamental issue, you're not ready for anything.

So even though today's paramour has moved on, this truth still remains.

OP why don't you just get married to the opposite sex and have kids like 90% of bisexuals do by the time that they're 30?

He already answered that, R44. His workplace isn't "open to women" and he apparently has confused it with a dating service. So until that happens he will only be "starting to maybe fall in love with" his all-male co-workers.

Very convenient for a closeted bisexual in his thirties. Next he'll claim he only dates women in foriegn countries.

Op, he's truly in love with you. Tell him you love him and he will admit his feelings.

You will run away together and live happily ever after

Oh look, the 'bisexuality doesn't exist and bi men are really just confused gay men' brigade is trying to spread its propaganda once again. Why is it so impossible for you guys to realize that many guys can be with both men and women? Yes not that many guys like both sexes the same way or as passionately, some prefer men and some women. Doesn't mean we aren't talking about bisexuality although the word has such a bad ring to it that people deliberately distance themselves from it.

[quote]Bisexual men never fall in love with their straight, married, FEMALE friends.

That's a bold statement to make. Of course they do although those guys probably are more into women anyway.

OP/R27, I'm glad things went the way you are happy with. I've broken my heart couple of times with straight guys who weren't 100% straight. In your case the wife and kids obviously made the thing impossible. Not saying I wouldn't understand if you had both still decided to go for it but it's good for everyone it didn't happen. In reality people cheat all the time, though, but personally I hate cheaters even if I remember a breakfast I had with with a woman whose boyfriend I had fucked just few hours earlier.

I used to have sex with women when I was in my late teens so I'm a sort of bi myself. I've only had sex with men for the last two decades so I'm practically gay now. Not saying I wouldn't go with a right woman, though, since sex with women can be wonderful. Even though I'm bitching about people dissing bi guys I'm certainly not saying things are simple and without problems. I'm just tired of the attacks bi guys immediately get from certain gay men.

OP, good luck to you. Hopefully you'll find the man or woman of your dreams soon.

Reading OPs comment at R27 makes this very sad. It seems if OP had met his friend before marriage and kids, things might have turned out differently.

I guess at some level it's reassuring OP, to know that you weren't reading his signals incorrectly, but still...

I hope you find someone in your next time to help you get over this. Be strong.

Falling in love with "straight men" is the Achilles heel for every gay man, it's pointless, it's fruitless and it's painful. I know it wasn't a choice for you to feel for him but I do feel like you probably think in ways that makes your situation worse. You can either be more direct about how you feel towards him or move forward. There isn't any realistic advice for this to end in your favor, all you can do is decide where you want to go from here.

Why does every one of these gay never-can-get romances always involve a married man. He's married for chrissakes!

Impossible relationship. Move on, man.

You didn't even need to post that.

Bi people problems. Ugh.

OP, follow the lead of r33, find a woman who is cool with you being bisexual. All the bisexuals who post online seem to be happier being paired up with women.

It's unfortunate that this petty situation distracts you from a greater problem: the fact that you are employed by a bloated oligarchal corrupt military industrial complex that controls our government, wastes half our budget (trillion dollar warships, billion dollar planes) to decimate entire populations and which continues to in turn incite violence and mass murders in other countries.

What happened?

Grow the fuck Up.

Pretty much, r50.