Advice thread.

So my dad has always been a bit off. He has his own way of doing things and if you offer a better way - he will dismiss it and then do whatever he is doing 10X worse. One example is he uses baby oil and some kind of fish smelling pesticide granules all around the outside of the house instead of calling pest control. His method killed a litter of kittens in the backyard when I was small.

My mom just bought a brand new fridge that has a filter system - so you never need to use baking soda. He dumps baking soda into the drawers - right on the fruits / vegetables.

He thinks the water in the kitchen takes too long to heat up so he fills a basin with steaming hot water in his bathroom and carries it to the kitchen sink. Yesterday he walked by me with the steaming basin full of water and a strong bleach smell followed him. He went outside with it. He poured the bleach water into the air conditioning unit outside. It is not on the roof - but on the side of the house. There are splatters all over it - and it just rained a bunch and when I touched the unit my hands smelled of vinegar. So he is pouring vinegar / bleach water directly into the a/c unit. It rained a couple days ago and there was some water on the patio. He said that he poured some bleach into the rain water so it wouldn't grow algae. The water was gone about an hour after it stopped raining.

He won't let us use the dryer - my mom has to hang her clothes out on the patio and she has breast cancer and just had a colon resection. Also we are not allowed to use the oven. He has toaster ovens, 3 George Foreman grills and microwave outside on the patio. He told me to be careful using the microwave he has outside because it stays on even with the door open. He has to unplug it to get it to turn off.

I asked my mom for some rubbing alcohol the other day. She said that I could use my dad's. She gave me the huge bottle of rubbing alcohol that he keeps next to his bed. I used a small amount and it was not alcohol but bleach / water. Instead of bathing or showering he wipes himself down with this. I thought it was rubbing alcohol all along.

That same day he dug a hole to plant a new plant. I told him that the dog had fun digging in the hole. There were sprinkles of what I thought was baking soda in the hole but my dad showed me what it was - some kind of pool chemicals for conditioning water.

He buys 2 gallons of bleach each week and uses it all. Every time he does dishes you can smell it though the entire house and he won't let anyone else do the dishes.

He turns the a/c off at night and opens the front door and turns a fan on in the doorway of the arcadia door which is open as well. Anyone looking for a sitting duck family home to just basically walk into every night could take advantage of this. He called the a/c guy and while he was here working he told him that he leaves his doors open each night for cooling the only problem is security. The a/c guy didn't say anything but telling a stranger that you leave your doors unlocked every night can't be a good thing.

Someone called him about 2 months ago and said they were his grandson and was in jail and needed $4000 so my dad sent $4000 to the Dominican Republic.

He needed a plumber a couple months ago so he called about 20 of them and 5 actually showed up. I told him that no one is going to want to do business with him if they drive all the way out here when he already hired someone. He said it doesn't matter because the phone book is full of plumbers.

This is becoming a huge problem daily with all the chemicals and everyone here is acting like everything is normal and it is like a nightmare living here.

Has anyone ever had to deal with such a bizarre situation? And what should I do about this?

Jesus! It's just a glimpse into your future. Lean into it and embrace the inevitable or...move out. You know...like a grown up.

Your budding weirdness shows in your need to post this info separately from the original post. You will be just like him.

My dad was similar .. not nearly as bad, but definitely similar.

Look, your dad will not change his ways tho suit you at this stage of everyone's lives, so I suggest you find a copy of the Serenity Prayer. and memorize it.

Thanks R3. Did your dad have dementia?

Dementia is a terrible thing. Consult your lawyer about ways to make sure your mother gets control of the family finances, because the Dominica thing shows that your father can no longer be trusted with money. And she has to start ignoring his insane directives at home and use the dryer and the oven no matter what he says, actually, she should have started ignoring him decades ago. And take away all the bleach in the house, and his car keys.

You can't change him for the better, you can only take steps to neutralize the harm he does, or put him away.

No, r4, thank goodness. Cancer got him. Died at age 87.

With all those chemicals, no wonder she has cancer and other health problems. Not to mention the stress. He's killing your mother.

R1 . My dad has always been off but now it's out of control. A lot of families say that it was so hard to pin down dementia because of the way the person was before. So it is pretty common for a person to show poor judgement throughout their life and then develop dementia. My judgement has always been pretty poor - so I know what's coming. Moving out is not an option. My mom is afraid to be alone with him and I can't afford it anyways or else I would be long gone. It is either this or homeless.

Sorry I meant R2. You were right - I should've put first post outside the thread.

R5 taking everything away is what eventually has to happen. She tried to throw his broken microwave away and he became irate so she backed down. Once his doctor finds out what is really going on here hopefully he will give the standard advice of pretty much childproofing everything. He is getting so bad that he won't be able to hide it much longer - unless doctors don't find this situation serious enough then we are all screwed. My mom's mother lived alone in her house for years after being diagnosed with dementia. Her best friend would bring food to her and she stopped recognizing her and wouldn't answer the door. They finally put her in a home for about the last year of her life - but she was really bad for years before that and living alone.

R7 should I call up his doctor on Monday and tell him about my dad's behavior? I really don't know what to do and my dad is very scary on top of all this.

OP, there are legal and medical steps to be taken, but none of them will get you out of the need to stand up to him, to tell him "NO" when he makes unreasonable demands. Both you and your mother will need to learn to do that, and it's a damn shame you didn't start doing that a long time ago.

That said, make sure your mother has control of the family assets, and see his doctor. There are medications that can lessen the symptoms of dementia, at least for a while. And take away his bleach and car keys!

Easier said than done R12. I once paid him to use the dryer and when I got in the shower he just turned it off with my clothes soaking wet and I had to hang them anyway. And he will stay up all night so he can do whatever he wants with no one watching him.

Yes OP. Immediately. And listen to R12, because he;s right. If you can't control him, look into a power of attorney and nursing homes. For Your mother's well being, your well being, and his own well being.

R14=R7

That will never happen R14. She doesn't want him to leave even if she doesn't want to be alone with him.

The only way that will ever happen is if a doctor tells my mom to do those things - and he won't go to the doctor anymore.

R16, you have to make it happen. She clearly isn't up to doing what needs to be done. Don't you know how to take control of a situation? Especially one where the two others involved are not competent? Come on, man up. What do you think the situation will be like 5 years from now?

On the contrary, you need to take care of yourself first. He's doing all this either because he is mentally ill; OR, because he is a bullying narcissist who demands your attention and obedience every minute of every day. The most important thing for you is to take care of yourself FIRST and then sort them out. That means get rid of anything he does that threatens your safety (BLEACH, open door at night) and try to establish your independence first and foremost while ignoring them. Then see how your behavior change affects them.

This doesn't sound like standard dementia. There is a hysterical fear of bacteria, mold and natural gas. This is probably OCD gone wrong.

Op, on the drive to the nursing home, blast this song for your father:

No, OP, there is no way to deal with this without displeasing him, so you really do have to overcome the habits of a lifetime and start telling him "no". The only person in this mess you can control is yourself, so as it sounds like your momma is a weenie as well as being in poor health, the change will have to start with you.

See a doctor and a lawyer, and start using the fucking dryer! He can't do anything but yell if you do, he can't throw you out because he no longer has the capacity to make legal decisions. And if he tries to hit you because you used the dryer, well, he's 80 and you can take him, and if he hits you because you used the dryer... call the police, because you can use that against him when it comes to legal competency issues. It can't hurt to have courtroom-level proof of his irrationality.

R20 while he does seem to have somewhat of a germ phobia - he waters down the dish soap because he thinks it is too expensive and the dryer kills germs as apposed to hanging clothes out in the middle of winter or in the rain and they get moldy. He thinks soap is too expensive so he fills a bottle with rubbing alcohol and baby oil and rubs that all over his hands before handling food. Part of dementia is the inability to change. So he is taking these things overboard now. Also hospitals control germs in part by keeping the temperature at below room temperature. He sets his thermostat to 81 and he is constantly turning the a/c off - even if it is over 100 degrees outside. A few years ago I heard about elderly people dying in their apartments because they wouldn't turn on the a/c. It didn't make sense to me but now I get it. Some people with certain types of dementias have no regard for safety.

As you leave the home Op, play this song to your father whilst waving and walking out without him.

R22 He is not 80 he is 72 or 73. He doesn't have a diagnosis, so he can make decisions. He hasn't hit me since I was 17 but I wouldn't put it past him. And he is pretty big and pretty scary. He will just get up and turn the dryer off like he does the a/c. I think the path of least resistance would be to just call his doctor on Monday.

Do a load of laundry, and before you put it in the dryer make sure you have a video camera or audio tape ready to record the moment your dad storms in and demands you stop using the dryer and take the clothes out to the line in the yard. Stand by the dryer and calmly refuse, let him get angry and rant about the dangers of clothes dryers and call your mother in to carry the laundry out to the yard. Calmly say that your mother is too ill to be carrying clothes around, and let him rant some more about how he doesn't care about his wife's illness and how you'll all die in your sleep if anyone ever uses the dryer.

Take the tape along when you talk to his doctor and the family lawyer. Repeat as needed. And call the police if he hits you or threatens to, get it on the legal record!

R26 I just did my laundry and hung it out on the line. My mom is coming home from church in a few - I am supposed to have dinner ready for her but it is too hot to cook. It is 82 degrees in here

Well, you missed one golden opportunity, OP. But there's plenty more chances to pick a fight with him before you see the doctor, be sure to record it! Be calm, reasonable, and rational yourself throughout.

Get to it!

This might not be what you want to hear, but parents get worse as they get older. The craziness multiplies.

My mother is like Livia Soprano. Gets worse each year. A miserable woman. Very depressing.

R29 I realize that but there has to be a difference between normal aging and something being wrong. I also wanted to get an idea if anyone else has came across anything close to this.

R29 I'm not looking forward to this. Mine are starting to lose it now.

DIAGF, r31.

I agree with R32. What is the point of this thread from 2015? You should be dead by now.

There’s a MAGAt troll who, in order to bury bad news about its Leader (which is ALL news about its Leader), habitually and systematically bumps threads from 2015.

Everyone should F&F it.

He may have a Paranoid Personality Disorder. My late mother had it and what a trip.

R34 Thanks. I never realized there was an actual point to these stupid reincarnations...