Unrequited Love is a Bitch

What is a coue?

We needed a seventh choice....Yes, but unhappily partnered.

I've been in love, and I've had others in love with me... but never both at the same time.

With enough rope and a little chloroform, no love is unrequited.

At least in my experience.

He spends little time thinking about you. Move on.

I had a fuck buddy for 9 months. He even told me his longest "real" relationship had been for 8 months, so the fact I even made it that far was kinda crazy. He was with other guys during this time and I knew that, but then, he stopped, found out he had herpes (we'd always had safe sex, so no issue there, thank God) and then I became his sole fuck buddy for a few months (after he got his herpes in check and STILL wore condoms). It was stupid for me to think, even for a second, that he'd finally change his ways and see that I was the only one who had stayed by his side after everything. All of a sudden he sent me a text saying I was becoming an "obligation" after I had asked why he cancelled one of our weekly meetings. That pissed me off more than anything and so I finally let it slip to everyone in sight that he had herpes (I'm as loyal as the day is long until you fuck with me and then everything goes out the window). I wish I could say I didn't still love him, though. I have no idea why I do. He's a narcissist prick who only cares about himself, but goddamn, he's beautiful and the best sex of my life. Maybe I thought I could save him or something. Ugh!

The worst is when you see them on facebook with their *hideous* boyfriends on vacation in New Zealand while you are freezing your ass off at home with one friend and takeout from the Cheesecake Factory.

Anyway...chinese chicken salad & blackout cake have helped me move on.

You have to accept things exactly as they are when faced with this situation. The pain comes from the dream. Detach from the coulda / woulda / shoulda fantasising about them.

Then, understand that who people fall in love and remain in love with cannot be willed into existence by them or you. Someone may think you are great, but they just can't force liking or affectionate friendship into passionate / romantic love. Those feelings cannot be forced. So if you have a romantic longing for someone who does not reciprocate, then don't sweat it, just accept that they can't force themselves to feel as you do. Respect that, and accept it. The fact that they don't 'love' you isn't some terrible judgement on your worth as a person.

On my 23rd birthday, I attended singing camp run by Michael Jackson's vocal coach. I met a 19 year-old guy there, and I was smitten at first site.

We kind of became friends during the 10 days of the camp, afterwards, we went to Disneyland together. I certainly got no gay vibe off of him, nor any vibe that he was interested in me. It was just wishful thinking on my part that he could be bisexual because he was an aspiring actor and singer.

After Disneyland, he stayed in Orange County, and I returned home to Seattle. There was really no reason for us to keep in touch or see each other ever again. But I became obsessively enamored with him, I kept in touch with him. I learned about Myspace afterwards, and I obsessively stalked his Myspace page. I looked up his actor profile. He had been planning on attending the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, so I decided to apply there. I ended up moving down to Los Angeles the following year.

In the meantime, I started visiting him a few times from Seattle before I moved down to Seattle. We became pretty much best friends. At some point, he did get drunk and hook up with a guy, which gave me hope, although he maintained that he was straight afterwards. He admitted to me that he used to like to watch gay porn. He had a series of girlfriends that he'd fall head over heels with and then break up with after awhile. I thought because we were so close, he would eventually let his guard down with me.

For a few years, I was having huge swings between happy optimism and devastating disappointment. It was a complete waste of time.

What I learned is that there is something seriously lacking in my own foundation if I was in a position to put someone else on a pedestal like that.

I've never been in love since. I'm 34. The problem is, nobody ever measures up to how he was during that time I was enamored with him.

Fortunately, we are still good friends today, although we had a very tumultuous friendship for awhile.

You sound like a grounded, self-aware person R9.

R9 Isn't that the same guy that kept stealing cash from your wallet throughout the summer?

Fool.

It's an easy way to not do the work of finding something real. I bet it's unrequited love with a straight guy right?

All love is unrequited. You just think they feel the same way about you. They never do.

Learn not to expect too much from people. Let it always be a surprise when they are interested in you.

I tell them I never want them to leave me.

And they don't.

You HAVE to be proactive.

[quote]You have to accept things exactly as they are when faced with this situation. The pain comes from the dream. Detach from the coulda / woulda / shoulda fantasising about them.

Instead, it is always really the fantasy that people fall in love with. All this dreaming about "what could have been!"

We have all been there, but grow up! Maybe I have become a little more colder and more cynical at heart, but I consider that a good thing honestly.

I don't have this problem anymore, I take things as they come and don't expect anything other than what is being presented. I don't play these childish fairytale love dreams in my head.

That's depressing, R13. I think I used to set my expectations too high. This led to me getting my heart broken. Now I set my expectations so low as a defense mechanism and that's just as depressing because I never let myself be vulnerable anymore.

To respond to OP: I did.

Years ago, I lived abroad in a country that I ultimately learned a lot from by living in, but didn't necessarily enjoy. Amidst being lonely, homesick, insecure, and horny, I allowed myself to be wrapped up in a relationship with a beautiful stripper.

I'm not asking for sympathy really. Continuing my infatuation with him after having learned of his profession (slightly complicated, but I didn't know he was an exotic dancer until about 3 weeks or so into it) was my fault, but emotions are uncontrollable. I played it cool, but I was completely enamored with him. I would ponder for what felt like hours thinking of just the right way to respond to him, or just the right topic to get his attention. I'm still a young guy, and I think it was the first time I can remember being totally consumed by one person since I turned 21.

He felt none of that, and I found out after having left the country. I tried to do the move where you stop texting THEM in the hopes that they contact YOU, and it was radio silence. Come to find out I was just a "cool guy," more a favorite client than a fuckbuddy or even friend.

I also had been paying -obviously- all of our dinners, our hotel rooms...I'd give him money to "help him out." I knew what that was, but again, emotions can't be controlled. I became the old man chasing after the young man who just sees dollar signs, and we're almost the same age!

Anyway, it's been a few years, and I still think about him from time to time. I've noticed that I'm no longer attracted to him per se, but there are definitely elements about him that I notice I respond to in men. Unfortunately, being cold to me is one of them. I legitimately fear that I will not find anyone because I haven't fully "healed" from him and I keep falling for that type of guy.

Oh well...He was unforgettable, I guess

I'm so sorry, r17! I like to think that you did mean something to him, that you weren't just some dude paying for dinner. But maybe he doesn't let himself get close to anybody. The solution isn't to become just like that yourself. Keep wearing your beautiful heart on your sleeve :)