Let's pretend we're network television in the 1990s!

I'm the horrible bug that's on the corner of your screen. I'm slowly making an imprint into your 36" CRT TV.

I'm the baby, gotta love me!

I'm Ellen, Grace Under Fire, Drew Carey, All American Girl, and I am not very good.

(Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, sexual punch line, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, sexual punch line, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, sexual punch line...

I'm "Mad About You." Like "Seinfeld," "Friends" and "Frasier," I was one of the most popular, defining comedies of the decade and went on for many seasons.

Unlike them, absolutely no one wants to see me in reruns.

They gave him that show to make up for the way they played musical chairs with [italic]My Two Dads[/italic]' time slot.

R1, I used to call you and your ilk "screen scabs."

I am the suit who did everything he could to ruin HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET. I made Fontana and Levinson hire Jon Seda to play Falzone and Callie Thorne as Ballard.

I'm the whole Vicki Lewis/Kathy Griffin wacky redhead on a middling NBC sitcom thing.

We are but a few of the many bombs Fox used to drop on Sunday nights between [italic]The Simpsons[/italic] and [italic]Married With Children[/italic] before [italic]King of the Hill[/italic] premiered.

I'm Michael Eisner, cutting a $19 billion dollar check to buy out ABC. 10 years ago, the total value of The Walt Disney Company was about a fourth of that.

I'm Rick Schroder's ass.

I'm Cybill Shepherd's cunt antics that estranged her entire cast and writing staff from her.

Serious question here: do you do this pretend thing in real life? I bet you're big hit at parties.

I'm Michigan J. Frog. I was the mascot of the WB until they decided the demographic I appeal to — animation bloggers and bespectacled middle-aged men whose beards cover multiple chins — wasn't as profitable as whiny white teenage girls. Oh well, that's show business!

I'm a last season episode of [italic]The Golden Girls[/italic] that, thanks to the FCC's relaxing of the rules regarding the amount of commercials in prime time, is a full minute and 30 seconds shorter than a first season episode.

So that overrated POS sitcom was 1:30 less insufferable? I don't see the problem.

What overrated POS sitcom? I wasn't talking about [italic]Friends[/italic], unlike those shills at Entertainment Weekly who never shut up about it.

I'm a tabloid cover story about Delta Burke with the least flattering picture they could find.

[quote]What overrated POS sitcom? I wasn't talking about Friends, unlike those shills at Entertainment Weekly who never shut up about it.

I wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that they were both part of the Time Warner empire. Or was it "AOL Time Warner" then?

IIRC, it wasn't AOL Time Warner until around 2000.

Friends was way better than TGG, which is shit on a schtick.

R21 Blasphemer!

[italic]Friends[/italic] wasn't even better than [italic]Small Wonder[/italic], never mind [italic]The Golden Girls[/italic].

I'm [italic]The Torkelsons,[/italic] starring Connie Ray, the cut-rate Park Overall.

I'm [italic]Empty Nest[/italic], starring the real Park Overall.

I'm Richard Karinsky, the nelliest straight sitcom guy of the decade. I made Niles Crane look like Dauber from [italic]Coach.[/italic]

We're NBC's Saturday morning cartoons getting unceremoniously pushed aside for a crappy [italic]Dobie Gillis[/italic] ripoff produced by hyper-religious narcs. Enjoy the cartoons on the other networks while you can, kids.

I'm the "Asian consultant" ABC hired to teach Margaret Cho how to act more Asian.

I'm Margaret Cho, neglecting to hang on to my last bit of relevance.

I'm the annoying, irrepressible, pervy, stoner, asshole Tim Allen!

Back when I was sort of cute, I was one step away from a lifetime prison sentence for drug trafficking!

Doncha wish I was still in prison and never on TV?

Tough luck, bitches! Arrf, arr, arrf!

You're mocking me, aren't you, R30?

I'm the bonehead who put [italic]Murder, She Wrote[/italic] on Thursday nights at 8:00 PM and caused its ratings to drop out of the top 10.

I'm Murphy Brown. I was on for TEN YEARS.

I'm [italic]Wings[/italic]. Yeah, whatever.

I'm the OJ Simpson trial interrupting all your soaps, from which they will never, ever recover.

That's right bitches. This... happened.

I'm comin' back, Bud! And I'll be bringing a clone with me as I become a time lord!

I'm the first five seasons of ER. All my episodes are the same.

I'm the sexual harassment lawsuit against Bob Barker.

I'm an 80-year-old Borscht Belt comedian at a voice recording session for [italic]Garfield and Friends[/italic]. Nobody watching this show could possibly know who I am.

I'm the rehab center where Tracey Gold is staying until she actually eats something.

I'm [italic]Nurses[/italic]. Every now and then one of The Golden Girls would stop by!

I'm the more narratively cohesive extended TV cut of [italic]Waterworld[/italic]. I don't have Jeanne Tripplehorn's but, but I actually make sense.

but = butt

I'm Hurricane Saturday.

BTW, can you believe there once was a time when three Miami-based sitcoms aired on the same night?

I'm the supersized Friends and Seinfeld episodes that were just 5 more minutes of show and 10 more minutes of commercials.

I'm one of the six million leeks the Soup Nazi sent to a mass grave. Never again!

I'm the asthmatic who stood behind Helga G. Patacki on Hey Arnold. Now I have to give notice when I move into the neighborhood.

I'm a pillowy mound of mashed poh-tatoes that helped send Uncle Phil to an early grave.

I'm Telma Hopkins. Since there's no way I can get my old job on [italic]Family Matters[/italic] back, I've been cast as Bill Cosby's wife in his new sitcom. He offered me a drink to celebrate; I politely but firmly declined. Ever since then, things on set have been a tad, well, awkward.

I'm the WWF Attitude era. I made it cool to like pro wrestling again and offered plenty of male eye candy, but I also unleashed such horrors as elderly Mae Young giving birth to a hand and the she-beast that was Chyna.

I'm a glorified infomercial for Walt Disney World cleverly disguised as a 2-part episode of [italic]Full House[/italic]. You'd have to be a real Dumbo not to recognize the shamelessness of it all. And yes, I know Scott Weinger was the voice of Aladdin, but he was only the speaking voice.

I'm Jimmy Smits' ass.

I'm Brian Benben. Yeah, I don't know who I am either.

I'm Burt Reynolds perving on my TV son Jay Ferguson.

I'm Denny Dillon as Ginger!

I'm the Doritos commercial Chevy Chase did after getting fired from his talk show. I had more laughs in 60 seconds than the actual talk show did in the month it was on the air. And these days, ol' Chevy seems to be eating a lot of Doritos.

I'm Danny Pintauro's first desperate post-[italic]Who's the Boss?[/italic] attempt to get people to give a shit about him by coming out of the closet. It amounts to nothing.

I'm the Pat Sajak Show. I premiered in January of last year. I have great guest. Why is no one watching? Don't go to be without turning Pat on.

I'm a "colortini" . I am the official cocktail of the Tom Schneider Show.

[quote] So settle back, fire up a colortini, and watch the pictures fly through the air.

I'm Bill Cosby's brightly colored sweater collection. I have jello pudding pop, smegma, and semen stains all over, and the stench of rape and despair clings to my every fiber.

I'm Stefan Urquelle, the straw that broke the camel's back in JoMarie Payton's decision to quit [italic]Family Matters[/italic].

I'm one of the very few black people who actually appeared on Friends. I never actually did anything and my role could just have easily have been filled by a person of any other race, and the chances I'll ever be so much as an acquaintance with any of the main characters are mathematically insignificant. This is progress HOW? The 1980s were full of shows about white people with black friends. Even Jamie on [italic]Small Wonder[/italic] had a black friend, and he was the only sane person on the whole show! If anything, this is backtracking.

I'm Mondays and I'm a bitch!

I'm Models Inc., the most hyped show of 1994 with the least creative name. I will soon join Heartbeat, Nightingales, Round Table, 2000 Malibu Road and The Heights as one of Aaron Spelling's clunkers. Hey, they can't all be Dynasty, 90210 and Melrose.

I'm The Bradys, hoping to capitalize on the thirtysomething phenomenon. I made history for having 3 different versions of the theme song for a series that lasted only 5 episodes.

I'm Dennis Franz's revolutionary ass. I made all TV watching fraus' loins moist as a snack cake.

We're [italic]Capitol Critters[/italic] and [italic]Fish Police[/italic], two prime-time cartoons aimed at adults dismissed by critics practically sight unseen as [italic]Simpsons[/italic] ripoffs years before an actual, out-and-out shameless [italic]Simpsons[/italic] ripoff becomes a hit (eventually).

I'm Bugs Bunny. This is the last decade I'll be on netwoik TV, so enjoy me while you still can, doc. After 2000 I'm headed for cable exclusiv-e-ly. And if you think the network censorship is bad, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

I died and turned into the drawer handle on the beside table.

I'm a Very Special Episode of Blossom. I air weekly.

"Oh Blossom! You are so beautiful!"

I'm the dispute with Fox that drove the whole Wayans family off of [italic]In Living Color[/italic].

I'm David Letterman's first — and last — attempt at hosting the Oscars.

I'm a pop culture reference with a laugh track attached to it. I have replaced actual jokes in sitcoms because apparently it's not realistic to have people in situation COMEDIES say things that are actually funny.

I'm the production assistant who witnessed Roseanne Barr's numerous fights with writers and producers.

Like my siblings the recording industry, publishing industry and brick and mortar department stores I'm busy burying my head in the sand thinking no tech changes will impact me.

I'm Gabriella Carteris and age ain't nothing but a number.

I'm the stonewashed dad jeans worn by everyone from Jerry Seinfeld to Dave Coulier to the supposedly hip and trendy denizens of Melrose Place.

I'm [italic]Muppets Tonight[/italic]. I tried to bring the Muppets into the 1990s by setting it in a TV studio. I failed. At least I could come up with a new theme song, unlike a certain show on ABC today.

I'm the one character actor hired to play a child molester in all the very special episodes. I always have greasy hair, a trench coat, and a 'grandson' I am looking for. I've been booked solid since the 1980's.

I'm the ever-present feeling that the performers in most of these shows are just going through the motions while doing regurgitated versions of the same crap TV has been doing over and over again since year one, and that the most truly entertaining and innovative shows on TV today are nowhere to be found on network TV.

I'm the very special [italic]Hogan Family[/italic] where Rich was diagnosed with AIDS. Since there was no PreP and no T r u v a d a in 1990, he's probably dead by now.

I'm the cum running out of James Van Der Beek's ass and down his thighs as he exits John Wesley Shipp's trailer to go back to the Dawson's Creek set.

I am hot as heck John Barrowman from Central Park West

I'm the words "crazy," "mentally ill," "addict," "junkie" and "cunt" that are spoken throughout the Grace Under Fire soundstage.

I'm Caroline in The City and Suddenly Susan. I'm Must See TV except when I'm not on after Friends.

I'm the VERY special episode of Roseanne featuring the FIRST GAY NETWORK KISS!!

I'm the casual racism of using the word "hangin'" in the name of a show about a black man.

I'm Norman Lear trying to prove I'm still relevant with [italic]The Powers That Be[/italic], but the real powers that be cancelled my show.

I'm the Queen of Nice.

I played The Queen of Mean

I'm the "Puppy Episode."

I'm Arsenio Hall's dog pound. Bill Clinton owes his presidency to us, but we got sent to the farm after Arsenio promised to kick Leno's ass but got screwed over by Chevy Chase instead.

I'm Herman's Head and somehow I manage to stay on the air for 3 seasons.

We're Roseanne's abortive US [italic]AbFab;[/italic] the shitty CBS knockoff, [italic]High Society;[italic] and [italic]Cybill.[/italic] Christine Baranski tried, God love her.

closing italics -- sorry[/italic]

I'm Howard Stern on E!

I'm "I'll Fly Away."

I was too good for network television, but I eventually reached a wider audience on PBS. I have STILL not been released on DVD.

I'm Swans Crossing, the first soap for teens starring DL non-fav Sarah Michelle Gellar and future Oscar winner Mira Sorvino as a day player

I'm The 5 Mrs. Buchanans - a one season wonder from former Golden Girls producers with a strong cast but a bum time slot.

I'm the fashion accessory that all comedic actors wore, from a The Nanny to Paul Riser, from the Lesbian Stand-Up to the gay best friend, from the Disney channel tweens to the Friends twenty-somethings, from, soap hunks to school geeks.

We're the drugs Howard E. Rollins, Jr. swore on a stack of Bibles to a reporter on [italic]A Current Affair[/italic] he didn't do.

I'm the actor who played Joey's gay baseball teammate on a very special episode of Blossom.

Was there a locker room scene in that episode, R104?

II'M BEVERLY HILLS 90210 bitches!

I'm a mistake someone made in a newspaper. Now everybody's going to see me because of Jay Leno and that damn "Headlines," a godsend for lazy writers. I just hope nobody gets fired or yelled at because of me.

I'm the gay black guy from [italic]Spin City[/italic]. Everybody remembers that show, don't they? Don't they? Hello?

I'm NBC. I'm #1 in everything. Must See TV. Top Ad Revenues. This gravy train is never gonna stop. Whoo Hooo!!!!

[quote]I'm the gay black guy from Spin City. Everybody remembers that show, don't they? Don't they? Hello?

Michael Boatman, it's good hearing from you.

I'm the [italic]Tonight Show[/italic] episode where the cast of [italic]Cheers[/italic] got drunk after their last episode. Surprisingly, this was the only time they've ever actually been drunk on TV.

I'm the string of one-shot cameo appearances Gary Coleman used to try to rebuild his shattered career piece by piece.

We're the teeth marks in the sets from Bette Midler's version of [italic]Gypsy[/italic].

I'm "The Simpsons" and I am actually hilarious, cutting-edge and cultural relevant for most of the decade!

I'm Warren Littlefield having my promo dept cut an ad saying,"See how it all ends" to show the Friends cast to scare the shit out of them so they would sign their contracts. $750, 000 an episode? But we want a million!

I'm Matt Fielding, the pioneering gay character on Melrose Place, censored for years by FOX and blissfully unaware that 20 years later, real-life openly gay celebrities would admit in interviews to having secretly crushed on me when they were in college.

I'm American gothic staring that guy from office space

I'm the X Files and I am the one who blazed the trail for insufferable cunty fandoms for the new millennium:

Mad men

Breaking bad

Lost

Game of Thrones

Sopranos

Walking Dead

I'm NBC's mega hit Sisters:

The show that launched the careers of 1000 Brassy Broads

We're the interns for Dateline NBC. We witnessed the rise of Stone Philips, the fall of Jane Pauley. We survived countless fake car explosions and endless charges of being a cheap ripoff of 20/20 and 48 hours...

1990 NBC promo - "The Place to Be!"

1990 CBS promo - "Get Ready for CBS!"

1990 ABC promo - "America is Watching ABC! "

I'm HBO. I'm not TV. Network TV? Fuggedaboutit! Fuck network TV!

I'm [italic]704 Hauser[/italic], in which a black family now lives in Archie Bunker's house and baby Joey, now an 18-year-old slacker, shows up for no reason other than it was his grandfather's house. Notice how his grandfather never appears, nor is there any mention of what happened to him, his bar or his other family members and friends. Nor is there any mention of why the black man who lives there looks suspiciously like James Evans, Sr.

I won't even do better than actual reruns of [italic]All in the Family[/italic] in the ratings. But that show got lousy ratings in its first season, too, before they moved it to Saturday night. I only got six weeks and I flushed us down the terlet.

they flushed

We're the actually good episodes of [italic]The Simpsons[/italic]. We make up about 1/4th of the show's total run to date and we all happened in the 1990s.

[quote]I think what the judges did to Candice and Ashley was unbelievably cruel, making them think one was about to go home.

Unbelievably cruel! Worse than water boarding or concentration camp starvation. Worse than ISIS, dammit!

I'm SquiggleVision.

I only work on Dr Katz, Professional Therapist's 3 a.m. timeslot because all the drunks think the problem is with their eyes, not the animation.

I am Lucky Vanous on Pacfic Palisades. It was my one shot at legit stardom after that Diet Coke commercial.

I blew it.

I'm "I'm it!" Valerie Cherish's hilarious hit sitcom.

I'm the 8pm Friday night timeslot on Fox. No matter what they put in me - VR5, Strange Luck, MANTIS, Harsh Realm - no one watched.

We're the Dancing Itos!

I'm JAG,the show that's a huge ratings hit that no one admits to watching.

You also spawned 3 NCIS shows, JAG. Congratulations! Sorry about the abortive NCIS: Red.

[quote] I'm the 8pm Friday night timeslot on Fox. No matter what they put in me - VR5, Strange Luck, MANTIS, Harsh Realm - no one watched.

Tell me about it.

I'm the 'I Hate Brenda' newsletter circulating among teen girls.

I'm the NBC Monday Night Movie that every woman should see.

I'm the weird CBS show Picket Fences.

I'm The Kids in the Hall

I'm the future Countess of Devon

I'm the very short lived FOX show Profit.

I'm Mrs. 'Arris, and I'm in Paris with Omar Sharif.

I'm Soleil Moon Frye spending all that's left of my [italic]Punky Brewster[/italic] money for a boob job. Happy sweet sixteen! Because of this, I will have to take a job on [italic]Friends[/italic] doing the same thing to Matthew Perry that Punky once did to Chad Allen when I was nine. They're stealing from my show right in front of my eyes. I needed the money and the exposure, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna end up turning into the Jewish Dana Plato. If a better show had asked me, I would have taken that.

[quote] I bet you're big hit at parties.

You must be too, with your original one-liners.

I'm Ms. Bliss.

I'm the bullet that went through Hugh O'Connor's brain.

I'm Hank Hill's narrow urethra.

[quote] I will have to take a job on Friends doing the same thing to Matthew Perry that Punky once did to Chad Allen when I was nine.

You got the wrong Matthew, Punk. Your bit was with Matt LeBlanc, and later spilled over to Jen Aniston.

I'm Grant Hill doing a guest appearance on [italic]Living Single[/italic]. At least I didn't make as big an ass of myself as Shaq did with [italic]Shaq Fu[/italic] and [italic]Kazaam[/italic], and don't think I haven't forgotten about all those LSU fans who called Christian Laettner the F-word.

[quote] You got the wrong Matthew, Punk. Your bit was with Matt LeBlanc, and later spilled over to Jen Aniston.

I better be nice to her if our paths should ever cross.

Fuck Network Television! I'm all the pretentious 90's tits, ass, and puss movies shown on paid cable tv like skinemax, showtime, and HBO... no penis, mind you, because that could get you an XXX rating back then. Oh, and The BOX. music videos you called in and paid 99 cents each for. Remember when people actually liked watching music videos?

I'm Yeardley Smith making $400,000 a week for pretending to speak truth to power as the voice of Lisa Simpson while, in fact, enriching a large multinational media conglomerate engaged in felonious behavior by convincing gullible, fat, cheaply cynical, snarling, narcissistic manchildren that this decrepit show still matters and getting them to buy our junk while smugly making fun of other people who shamelessly prostitute their creations in the exact same manner.

I'm Kathy Bates getting fitted for a straight jacket for my final scene as Miss Hannigan in [italic]Annie[/italic]. That Disney has the nerve to take money from the differently abled while reinforcing stigmas against so-called "mental illness" will never actually occur to anyone involved with this production until it's too late.

I'm the genetic mutation that enabled Jason Alexander and Whoopi Goldberg to have a son who looked like Paolo Montalban in [italic]Cinderella[/italic].

I'm the funny feeling "down there" 12-year-old me gets whenever Jefferson D'Arcy wears a tight pair of jeans on [italic]Married with Children[/italic], which none of the busty bimbos in bikinis on that show make me feel at all, even though that's what they're obviously intended to do.

[quote]straight jacket

Oh, dear.

I'm closeted actor John Dye who played the angel of death on Touched by an Angel.

A fleur-de-lys for r99.

I'm William Paley's grave. Why are all these CBS executives pissing on me?

I'm Les Moonves, dumbing down the quality of Lorimar's shows across the board before moving onto CBS to do the same.

I'm NBC's new hit drama Sisters. I join The Facts of Life and Roseanne as yet another show to feature George Clooney before he hits stardom.

I'm Lucy Knight the ER character who died due to being stabbed by a psycho patient.

I'm Bette Midler singing "One For My Baby" to Johnny Carson on his penultimate show as Robin Williams watches. Who'd have thought I'd outlive both of them?

I'm the wedding scene from [italic]The Sound of Music[/italic]. I've been cut for a vacuum cleaner commercial.

[quote]I'm NBC's new hit drama Sisters. I join The Facts of Life and Roseanne as yet another show to feature George Clooney before he hits stardom.

Don't forget the OTHER "E.R."

I'm Rickie the gay femme boy on ABC's My So-Called Life.

I'm the 23 t.v. roles Mariska Hargitay will have before landing Law & Order: SVU in 1999.

I'm Bea Arthur, giving Betty White the side-eye at the table read and mouthing the word "cunt."

I'm Della Reese's Skunk-Do, and I used to be BIG at DL!

Does no one remember me?

*sob*

We're the schmucks on the set of [italic]Royal Family[/italic] who thought Redd Foxx was faking the heart attack that killed him.

I'm the big dumb beefy Costas Mandylor and his ridiculous hair.

I'm [italic]South Central[/italic], the supposedly hard-hitting sitcom about black family life on Fox. I was supposed to be the [italic]Good Times[/italic] of the 1990s, but I couldn't even last as long as [italic]That's My Mama[/italic]!

I'm Toronto; you've seen me everywhere.

I'm Dana Scully's bangs. I grew out after a couple of seasons.

We're the ring of toilet paper rolls on Dorothy Zbornak's wedding dress.

I'm Billy L. Sullivan, successfully sabotaging [italic]The Golden Palace[/italic]. Its few remaining viewers will cheer when I get reunited with my birth mother and go away forever. My other major work for Disney, 1995's [italic]The Big Green[/italic], now has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I'm T.K. Carter. I'm the black George Clooney, by which I mean I can never last more than a year on a sitcom. [italic]The Sinbad Show[/italic] is just the latest in a long line of shows that has either fired me, like [italic]Punky Brewster[/italic] and that Hayley Mills show, or been cancelled before they get the chance to, like the aptly-named [italic]Just My Luck[/italic]. This time it was the latter.

But unlike George Clooney, there is no [italic]ER[/italic] in my future, and my only memorable film is [italic]Amazon Women on the Moon[/italic]. But unlike me, George Clooney can't do impressions of Mr. T, Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson OR James Brown to save his life. He couldn't even do a good impression of Rosemary Clooney! And all of them are better than Dave Coulier's lame-ass attempt at being Bullwinkle J. Moose and his even lamer attempt at copying Lorenzo Music's attempt to copy Bill Murray in [italic]The Real Ghostbusters[/italic] (and by the way, I should have been the voice of Winston Zeddmore!).

Maybe now that Meshach Taylor's dead and Ernie Hudson is no longer a threat to my career, I'll start getting offers again. Eddie Murphy STILL doesn't know who I am!

R178 Who are you again?

I'm Kim Fields' ex-husband. Whatever happened to me? Did ANYBODY from [italic]The Facts of Life[/italic] ever marry a heterosexual man?

I'm the sexual harassment lawsuit against the [italic]Friends[/italic] writers that got thrown out of court.

I'm the sexual harassment lawsuit Tisha Campbell filed against Martin Lawrence.

I'm the NBC sitcom Working that starred Fred Savage.

I'm a Zbornie. I make a day without potatoes unnecessary.

I'm Milo T. Fruvish, the only person in the whole United States of America who can actually tell the difference between Patricia Richardson and Patricia Heaton.

I'm the utterly, utterly failed attempt to turn [italic]Steel Magnolias[/italic] into a TV series.

I'm the gay waiter from [italic]Cybill[/italic]. I don't even have a name, even in the episode where I come out to my parents, and in all but two episodes I appear in, I exist only as a plot device to serve two straight women. Nevertheless, I'm the most sane character on the whole show. If nothing else, I'm the only one who can let go of a bad relationship. At least I'm not trying to exact revenge on Doctor you-know-who. Plus, I'm not nearly as slutty as Jack McFarland or as whiny and needy as Will Truman, so take THAT, [italic]Will & Grace[/italic]!

I'm the first two seasons of WILL AND GRACE, a groundbreaking tv show if there ever was one😍

I'm the last two seasons of [italic]Ellen[/italic]. I broke it first, R188.

I'm Jessica Savitch and I'm already dead, but in the end I will triumph as being more memorable than "Today Show" phenom Katie Couric.

Stick it in my heart, R190, it would hurt less.

I'm [italic]The Cosby Mysteries[/italic]. According to Homer Simpson, I had "limitless potential." He was right, but not for the reasons he might think.

I'm the commercials for fat-free potato chips. In ten years, I'll be replaced with ads for 100-calorie packs of potato chips.

I'm the 150% jump in [italic]The Nanny[/italic]'s already astronomical makeup budget for any episode where Grandma Yetta shows up.

I'm the short-lived Party Girl sitcom that was somehow better than the movie and the last glimmer of true potential from my star before she was saddled with being Mrs. Zoolander.

I'm Cookie Man from the SnackWells fat-free devil's food cookie commercial. When I took this job, they assured me my days of being stalked by fat women were over.

I'm the TV version of [italic]Clueless[/italic]. Was I anywhere near as good as the movie? As IF!

I'm the failed WB primetime soap Savannah that was produced by Aaron Spelling.

I am Xena the Warrior Princess forging a successful alliance of:

Butch lesbians

Shut ins on the waiting list for the Viagra trials by the FDA

Programming directors of the last remaining local independent tv stations across North America

I'm the sulking sardonic redhead. I'm usually a quiet middle child in a sea of leading comedy Moms, bumbling comic dads, and perky, scenery chewing loudmouth children. I'm given the one-line zingers and put-downs and am always written to appear above all the madness.

Redhead teen actresses are still wondering why Sara Gilbert wasn't one of us.

I'm all the network shows that tried to be America's answer to Ab Fab and failed miserably thanks to American network censorship, sugarcoating for anti-drug watchdog groups and the inability to let go of the need to teach moral lessons even in what passed as irreverent comedy and flawed characters.

I'm the Psychic Friends Network, the thing that made Miss Warwick the woman she is today.

I'm the cartoon that it took for network comedy to finally be able to free itself from the reins of moral fiber and just make people laugh at funny stuff without being preached at, something Married With Children and Roseanne weren't able to do despite their claims of irreverence.

I am so bizarre a premise, that censors relaxed with the knowledge that no one in their right mind would be corrupted or influenced by talking dogs or babies with British accents, and cartoons are not real anyway...

I'm [italic]Love and War[/italic], the Diane English sitcom Susan Dey got fired from as soon as Annie Potts had finished doing [italic]Designing Women[/italic]. I'll only last another two years, as my ratings will collapse when CBS moves me away from the post-[italic]Murphy Brown[/italic] timeslot from which [italic]Designing Women[/italic] had been bounced a couple of years earlier.

I'm the fascist mentality behind the concept of "Must-See" TV.

I'm [italic]Major Dad[/italic], the show that proves Beverly Archer doesn't actually talk like Iola Boylan.

I'm Bender. Bite my shiny metal ass for moving me to 7:00 PM where I'll always get pre-empted for football on the East Coast, Fox!

I'm Love and War again, just to point out that I, too, had a wisecracking redhead middle sister type, except that mine was all grown up and hanging out at a bar.

I'm Lesley Ann Warren's resting bitch face as the Texas cheerleader murdering mom.

I'm the short lived legal drama Sweet Justice that starred Melissa Gilbert and Cicely Tyson.

I am 80s hearthrob Dan Gauthier in Muscle, one of the first shows on the WB. Almost no evidence of this show exists today, which is a shame because I had my shirt off in every episode.

R133 I'm Marsha Clark's hairstyle. Sadly I will never be in fashion.

I'm huge apartments in Manhattan with cool furnishings for people who are waiters, writers and actors. And that stopped happening with the gentrification of lofts in the early eighties.

I'm Len Cariou doing a better job playing Walt Disney in a TV-movie about Annette Funicello made by the same soon-to-be-defunct studio that made [italic]Serial Mom[/italic] than Tom Hanks would do nearly 20 years later in a movie actually made by the Disney studio.

I'm Julie Hagerty storming off the set of [italic]Princesses[/italic] in disgust with the script quality. Less than a decade after this, I will accept a role in [italic]Freddy Got Fingered[/italic], making that a moot point in hindsight.

We're Julie Andrews and Ann-Margret going at each other in Our Sons as the mothers of gay lovers. One of the sons is dying of AIDS, the other is played by Hugh Grant. The director of Xanadu is the executive producer.

I'm [italic]Mad TV[/italic]'s unusually high Speedo budget. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

I'm the ceiling fan on Twin Peaks.

I'm Benjamin Salisbury's large penis.

[quote]Redhead teen actresses are still wondering why Sara Gilbert wasn't one of us.

You either got it, or you ain't, and boys, I got it!

We're VHS tapes, laserdiscs, DVDs, pay-per-view, and pay-cable TV. We made it pointless to watch movies on broadcast TV unless you are too poor to afford any of those or you actually like watching movies badly edited, censored, panned-and-scanned, and riddled with commercials.

I'm Edna Krabappel, the OTHER slut of Springfield.

[quote]I'm Benjamin Salisbury's large penis.

Brighton Sheffield's the one who had a large penis, according to one of the Nanny scripts.

Salisbury, we're not so sure. Or does someone know a girlfriend/partner?

[quote]I'm the cartoon that it took for network comedy to finally be able to free itself from the reins of moral fiber and just make people laugh at funny stuff without being preached at

Are you kidding? [italic]Family Guy[/italic] can preach just as loudly as any of them, if not more so. Seth thinks that just by wearing his liberalism on his sleeve he's the second coming of Norman Lear? Not even close.

I'm a cherry pie and a damn fine cup of coffee. There's nothing I love more than the thought of Kyle MacLachlan's mouth all over me. It gets me steaming hot.

I'm the large fries, pie, large coffee Mr. Anderson would order at the Whataburger drive thru while going Beavis didn't add any 'special sauce'

^^hoping

I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!

I'm Fyvush Finkel. I'm the most successful person named Fyvush who ever lived. No, I don't know who the second most successful is.

I'm Ray Walston, who co-starred with Fyvush Finkel. I've been dead for years, and I'm still wondering how Finkel is still alive.

I'm the bizarre homoeroticism behind this:

I'm Frank Sinatra's rambling, incoherent Grammy speech. That should have been the first clue that he was not long for this world.

I'm the 3 different Amy Fisher tv movies showing on all the big 3 networks.

I'm the Saturday Night Light sketch that parodied the Amy Fisher TV movie craze.

Danny Devito as Joey Buttafuoco in those crazy Zuffa pants

I'm [italic]Switched at Birth[/italic]. No, not the ABC Family show, but a fact-based docudrama about a real-life tale of baby switching that happened in Florida in 1978, one of them dying of heart failure at age 8. The real girl who lived got to go on Oprah. Between this and [italic]My Girl[/italic], 1991 was a good year for movies about dead kids.

I'm the false domestic violence charges that put Sasha Mitchell behind bars when his wife was the one who should have gone to jail. Can you imagine being imprisoned for a crime of which you are the victim?

I'm the story arc on [italic]Step by Step[/italic] that lifted the plot of [italic]Wayne's World[/italic] practically beat for beat, except that Brandon Call spent less time looking into the camera and making stupid faces than Mike Myers. Bad enough they ripped off the basic premise of [italic]The Brady Bunch[/italic] so blatantly that Sherwood Schwartz seriously thought about a lawsuit, but did they have to make this one so goddamn obvious?

[quote]Bad enough they ripped off the basic premise of The Brady Bunch so blatantly that Sherwood Schwartz seriously thought about a lawsuit,

Because Brady Bunch was SUCH an original premise...

I'm Brendan Lambert, the Step by Step kid that disappeared.

R239, read [italic]Growing Up Brady[/italic]. Sherwood Schwartz registered his idea with the WGA before [italic]Yours, Mine and Ours[/italic], which was basically a whitewash of a monstrous asshole, came out.

[quote] I'm Brendan Lambert, the Step by Step kid that disappeared.

No kidding, you too?

I'm Matt Carter. I was the gay main character of FOX's TV movie Doing Time On Maple Drive.

I'm the nerdrage that occurred when they announced Star Trek: Deep Space Nine would have a woman as captain of the Enterprise. And people were surprised about GamerGate?

R241 Desilu bought the rights to the Beardsly-North family story way before Yours Mine and Ours was produced, even predating the release of the matriarch's book (written when that guy you show was a child) Who's Got The Drumstick? It's safe to say Desilu and the Drumstick book beat Schwarz' registry of the idea by years.

I'm Topanga from [italic]Boy Meets World[/italic]. I'm the reason my mother's vagina turned into a canyon; that's how I got my name.

I am Queer Donna:

I dominated the LA public access tv scene cuz the networks would let a bitch werk...

I'm Ray Pruit, Donna's abusive boyfriend on Beverly Hills 90210.

I'm sorry Who [italic]Gets[/italic] The Drumstick?

R245: I had no idea that the film spent a decade in development hell. Nevertheless, Schwartz insisted he arrived at it independently since he registered it with the WGA before the film's release. It just happened to be called [italic]Yours and Mine[/italic], but it was not until after the movie came out that ABC showed any interest in it. And it isn't as though they were the only blended family in America.

What moron thought he invented the concept of a blended family??

I'm [italic]The George Carlin Show[/italic]. No, you won't hear any of the Seven Words You Can't Say on Television here; even Fox thinks it's still 1962 in that respect.

I'm euphoria, the concocted name that 90210 came up with for a drug that acted an awful lot like ecstasy and that left viewers wondering if ecstasy was an unavailable registered trademark or something.

I'm Brian Krakow. I'm such a nice guy, but I can't get laid because bitches always go for the bad boys. That cunt Angela won't give me the time of day! Fuck her!

[quote] What moron thought he invented the concept of a blended family??

The same moron who thinks you can copyright an idea rather than just a particular execution of that idea.

I'm [italic]Love Boat: The Next Wave[/italic], proof that [italic]Titanic[/italic] wasn't the only big boat that sank in Hollywood in the late 1990s.

There will be a gay version of a blended family tv show in a few years.

Matt Bomer stars as Tyler Carrington. Tyler is a gay TV actor who was married to his agent. They had three kids via gestational surrogacy. Carrington's husband died of cancer. Tyler's kids are two daughters and a son. All three kids are spoiled and stuck up.

Tuc Watkins stars as Steve Peters. Steve is a gay construction company owner. He came out in his late 30s and married an architect years later. His architect husband was killed in a construction accident. Steve and his deceased husband adopted two boys and a girl from foster care. The children endured trauma and poverty before being adopted.

Tyler and Steve meet at a gay bar and start dating. They have get togethers with their kids. Tyler's privileged children have trouble interacting with Steve's adopted kids who came from troubled lifestyles. Things get chaotic when Tyler and Steve announce their plans to marry.

I'm [italic]Maybe This Time[/italic], Betty White's first post-[italic]Golden Girls[/italic] sitcom where she plays Marie Osmond's mother. It should have been Liza as the daughter! That was HER song! Then maybe it would have worked.

I'm [italic]Style and Substance[/italic]. You'd think a show with Jean Smart and Nancy McKeon would have been a hit. Think again.

I'm [italic]Can't Hurry Love[/italic], the [italic]Friends[/italic] ripoff Nancy McKeon did instead of [italic]Friends[/italic] while insisting in vain that it wasn't a [italic]Friends[/italic] ripoff. Maybe they should have cut out the middleman and ripped off [italic]Seinfeld[/italic] instead; practically everyone else did! Or maybe they should have cast someone besides Scott Baio as the male lead.

I'm Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Your sister probably had a poster or 8 of me in her room. Bummer for her because I'm totally gay!

I'm writer.

The most popular career for a TV movie or sitcom lead to have. Besides being a self-congratulatory nod from the shows' creators who romanticize their occupation as heroic, it is a lazy device, requiring little to no research.

If only so many writers had the glamorous lives and he's depicted on TV...

I'm [italic]Monty[/italic], Henry Winkler's short-lived attempt at making fun of Rush Limbaugh. Even though I failed miserably as political satire, I still prove that David Krumholtz is a better actor than charisma vacuum David Schwimmer and better-looking, too.

He's >> homes

I'm Dr. Hibbert from [italic]The Simpsons[/italic]. I'm the reason Ben Carson's candidacy is a thing. A-hee-hee-hee-hee!

I'm Cafe Americain, the failed NBC sitcom that starred Valerie Bertinelli.

I'm [italic]The Office[/italic]. No, not that one. No, not that one either. I'm the 1995 CBS show with Valerie Harper and a bunch of nobodies.

We're Bob Newhart's two consecutive flop series, [italic]Bob[/italic] and [italic]George & Leo[/italic]. I guess even when lightning strikes twice, it doesn't strike thrice.

Boy we're really digging in and dusting off some 7-episode doozies from the ol' archives.

[quote] I guess even when lightning strikes twice, it doesn't strike thrice.

I'd like you to meet my Emmys

[quote] Boy we're really digging in and dusting off some 7-episode doozies from the ol' archives.

Frankly, some of them were substantially better than the hits.

I'm [italic]Brooklyn Bridge[/italic], Gary David Goldberg's reminiscence of growing up Jewish in 1950s Brooklyn, with Marion Ross and Jenny Lewis. Despite critical acclaim, several Emmy nominations, a Golden Globe for Best Television Series — Musical or Comedy, and four Viewers for Quality Television awards, I ran a piddly two seasons before CBS pulled the plug. Five years ago, CBS/Paramount was going to release the whole thing on DVD, but the schmucks cancelled it probably because they knew they couldn't cut the music without creating huge, gaping plot holes. That was the same excuse they've been using to keep [italic]Frank's Place[/italic] off of DVD, too. And to think people call the Jews cheap!

I'm [italic]The Faculty[/italic] Meredith Baxter not-Birney's attempt at a return to TV sitcoms. I bear a passing resemblance to that Lynn Redgrave show from the early 1980s, [italic]Teachers Only[/italic], and will last about as long.

We're [italic]Good & Evil[/italic] and [italic]The Secret Lives of Men[/italic], the two shows that drove Susan Harris to quit television after ABC practically sabotaged them right out of the gate, the same way they did to [italic]Hail to the Chief[/italic] in the 1980s.

I'm politically correct hoodlums, thugs, and mixed-race gangs suddenly popping out in shows like Law and Order and NYPD Blue. I'm not accurate but I make sure that bad guys are equal-opportunity, appeasing protests from blacks, Latinos and Russians.

I'm Delta Burke, desperately vying for a second hit-show in all kinds of hair colors, social classes, and waist sizes, to no avail. Even a reconciliation and re-teaming with Linda B T yields poor results.

Let's face it, there's no capturing the magic of Suzanne Sugarbaker, before or after Designing Women

I'm the black female judge who sentences them, R275.

[quote] Let's face it, there's no capturing the magic of Suzanne Sugarbaker, before or after Designing Women

NOW you tell me!

I'm [italic]Bakersfield PD[/italic], a critically acclaimed, single-camera, laugh track-free sitcom with Giancarlo Esposito, Ron Eldard and Brian Doyle-Murray that gets the boot after 17 episodes, proving that if Fox doesn't cancel a show before its time, they'll NEVER cancel it ever.

I'm the can of spray paint some racist little cracker used to spray-paint the N-word on the inside of Laura Winslow's locker. With any luck, that asshole is probably dead or in jail by now, and since that show was set in Chicago, I'm leaning towards the former.

I'm Erika Alexander in 1998. Bad enough they cancelled [italic]Living Single[/italic] in mid-season after Fox put it at 8:00 PM, but they just released that movie I made last summer, [italic]54[/italic], and I have learned to my horror that they've cut out all my scenes and the plot doesn't make a damn bit of sense anymore! It was not, I repeat, NOT the original intention to make a movie about Studio 54 that includes all the drug use and none of the gay sex, but those damn blue hairs at that Long Island preview made Harvey Weinstein get out his scissors while Disney proper was busy putting a bunch of scenes back into some old musicals. And as a result of the edits, only about 54 people actually saw it. This is just NOT my year, is it?

I'm an ABC miniseries based on a book by Stephen King and directed by Mick Garris. Just try and schedule anything against me.

OMG, that pilot clip at r259 has to be the most amateurish attempt at character and premise exposition ever ... or is it that they used to all be like that and we've outgrown the horrid style?

"...that's because I am the best food stylist in the nation and [continue with the real plotline]..."

"I have been working as an interior designer for Martha Stewart (c'mon, they might as well have said it) for ten years and [resume plotline]..."

"I am very open about my relationship with my life partner and [resume plotline]..."

"I told you we couldn't afford this title sequence Chelsea, I am running the company now [resume plotline]..."

How can those assholes at Warner Bros. do this to me? I know they couldn't bring me back for [italic]Knots Landing: Back to the Cul-De-Sac[/italic] because Laura Avery died of that brain tumor, but to add insult to injury, they dubbed somebody else doing MY reading of "Goodnight Moon" to MY daughter? All they had to do was call my agent and ask for my permission and I would have gladly said yes. This never would have happened if Adelson and Rich hadn't sold Lorimar out to Time Warner the way they did. So much for trying to be an independent production company in Hollywood. Now I know how Audrey Hepburn felt when they dubbed her in [italic]My Fair Lady[/italic]!

I'm Hodgkins' Lymphoma finally finishing off Brandon Tartikoff once and for all so he doesn't have to witness what will happen to his beloved NBC over the next two decades.

I'm the briefcase full of cash Warren Littlefield showed to Ted Danson in a vain attempt to persuade him to sign onto a 12th season of [italic]Cheers[/italic]. However, I did manage to squeeze another two seasons out of [italic]Seinfeld[/italic].

[quote]Boy we're really digging in and dusting off some 7-episode doozies from the ol' archives.

Well, I'm Baby Talk, the ABC sitcom that first starred Julia Duffy as a the single mom of a baby. Then in season 2, Mary Page Keller played the mom.

[quote]'m Maybe This Time, Betty White's first post-Golden Girls sitcom

Excuse me?

I'm Emily Weston, the third daughter on Empty Nest.

I'm Esther Rolle lying on a deathbed as Mammy in [italic]Scarlett[/italic], the most overhyped "miniseries" of the decade. Just like the equally overhyped and ultimately disappointing book, I will have only two scenes before they bury me. Four years later, I will be in my grave, while Hattie McDaniel would turn over in hers if she could see this.

I'm the [italic]Cosby Show[/italic] episode about barbecue sauce that is actually about Spanish Fly. Why did it take 25 years for everyone to catch on to this?

We're [italic]Top of the Heap[/italic] and [italic]Vinnie and Bobby[/italic], two failed spinoffs of Married with Children, and two of the three shows that proved Matt "ketchup boy" LeBlanc can't carry his own show with or without Rita Moreno.

I'm the cast of Blossom, all of whom subsequently found gigs as supporting players of lesser magnitude respectively in other shows. Though Mayim was the only one who was nominated for hers.

Ted Wass is the exception - he became a full-time (and very successful) director after Blossom.

I'm the FOX orphan drama Party of Five.

I'm the Christmas episode of the short-lived ABC sitcom [italic]On Our Own[/italic]. I'm lifted almost word-for-word from the 1984 Christmas episode of [italic]Punky Brewster[/italic]. But unlike a certain NBC sitcom which shall never be named again, that was the same writer reusing his own work.

I'm a Winnie The Pooh Christmas special that demonstrates how Disney paradoxically managed to raise the bar for the overall quality of TV animation while simultaneously lowering it for themselves once Michael Eisner became head of the company.

I'm the Nike commercial that inspired the movie [italic]Space Jam[/italic]. Roll over, Uncle Remus, and tell Roger Rabbit the news.

I'm Nana Mary's Chicago Bears cap on Roseanne.

I'm the very last scene on the original [italic]Dallas[/italic]. I'm lifted directly from a scene from a 1982 episode of [italic]Dynasty[/italic], which shows how low this once-great show has sunk since Les Moonves joined Lorimar and original cast members started bailing out one by one, while few of the new ones lasted very long. Even the last line, "Oh my God!" is exactly the same. My spinoff, [italic]Knots Landing[/italic], will outlive me by two years.

I'm Parker Lewis. I can't lose, but after three seasons, I lost my show due to Fox's coolness towards it after they watered it down significantly in season 3. Xenu, where were you when I needed you? You're helping keep that way-past-their-prime yellow cartoon family on the air, why not send some good vibes my way?

I'm the girl on [italic]The Bold and the Beautiful[/italic] whose boyfriend raped her and got her pregnant by wearing a condom in which he deliberately cut a hole.

I'm Ferris Bueller. Jennifer Aniston played my sister.

Don't remind me, R303. I'm the real Jeanie Bueller, and I had one thing she never had and never will: Patrick Swayze. Jealous, bitch?

I'm the golf ball that hit Dick Loudon in the head and caused Bob Hartley to wake up, revealing all 8 seasons of [italic]Newhart[/italic] to have been one night's dream as a result of a psychologist's bad food choices.

I'm Peter Scolari's shirtless scene in a 1991 Disney Channel original movie about 1950s Southern racial segregation called [italic]Perfect Harmony[/italic]; it basically does for 1980s sitcom boys what [italic]Troop Beverly Hills[/italic] did for 1980s sitcom girls. By the time we get to see the full monty on HBO's [italic]Girls[/italic], he'll be 60.

I'm Roger Meyers, Jr.'s "animation is built on plagiarism" speech. Note how every example used is actually from Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Incidentally, Seth MacFarlane cut his perfectly capped teeth at H-B. Need I say more?

I'm Murphy Brown's out of wedlock son.

[quote] I'm Murphy Brown's out of wedlock son.

At least you got born, R308.

I'm Seven from [italic]Married with Children[/italic]. After I ran away from the Bundys, my body was found in multiple pieces in a ditch in the outskirts of Winnetka. Nobody came to claim it, and no one was ever prosecuted for raping and murdering me. I won't say exactly who it is, but if you want to honor my memory, don't listen to boy bands.

I'm Krusty the Klown's short-lived attempt at relevancy and rebellion against the crass commercialism that made me a millionaire. The Canyonero put a stop to that.

I'm the Megalo Mart explosion on [italic]King of the Hill[/italic] that killed Luanne Platter's boyfriend Buckley. Believe me, I had no idea about what was going to happen to Brittany Murphy.

I'm the Kirstie Alley sitcom Veronica's Closet.

R313: I'm the movie [italic]Harriet the Spy[/italic]. I used the name "Veronica's Closet" to avoid of paying to use the trademark "Victoria's Secret" a year before you even existed. You owe me.

I'm [italic]It Had to Be You[/italic], Faye Dunaway's first and last attempt at a sitcom. How is it that Cybill Shepherd can last four seasons in her show while Faye flopped in less than 13 weeks?

I'm the FOX drama The Outsiders, with poor Boyd Kestner and a hunky young Jay. R. Ferguson.

I'm the closing credits of anything made after 1994. Don't count on seeing me ever again until syndication now that some genius at NBC got the notion to put them all on a third of the screen and having them whiz by as quick as possible. As a result, they are unreadable on all but the largest TVs.

I'm the car accident that killed Maureen Bauer and set in motion a domino effect of institutionalized stupidity that eventually brought down [italic]Guiding Light[/italic], and it didn't do [italic]As the World Turns[/italic] any favors either.

I'm the reebok ad campaign 'Dan vs Dave' that was an epic fail after both Dan & Dave bombed in Barcelona at the '92 summer Olympics...

I'm Mrs. Santa Claus leading a march against child labor in a Jerry Herman musical with Charles Durning as Santa and Michael Jeter as an elf. And to think we got this instead of a [italic]Mame[/italic] remake.

I am the trench coat worn by Bob Stack on Unsolved Mysteries

R318 Get over Maureen's death

I'm the TV movie Tonya & Nancy: The Inside Story .

I'm the new [italic]Carol Burnett Show[/italic]. I'm the same as the old except with none of my supporting cast and a lot more juvenile potty humor and booby jokes by order of the network suits. Things have really changed since I was there before, and not in a good way. I'm the second show Carol's done this decade, since for some reason she went straight from [italic]Carol and Company[/italic] on NBC to CBS.

I'm [italic]Project ALF[/italic], the disappointing resolution to the cliffhanger finale of [italic]ALF[/italic]. Martin Sheen is in this for some reason and so is Ed Begley, Jr., but none of the original human cast members are. Did they really have nothing better to do? None of them could take time from their busy schedule of Safeway ribbon-cuttings, eating disorder rehab meetings, and crack-influenced sex with homeless guys for a more satisfying conclusion? It figures. All that show's best writers are now on [italic]The Simpsons[/italic]. Man, I can NEVER get tired of that show!

I'm [italic]Return to Green Acres[/italic]. Eddie Albert signed onto me without a script, then tried to get out of it once he read it and found that all the surreal edge of the original had been stripped away and replaced with a heavy-handed anti-development message. He couldn't. At least he got everyone who was still alive at the time to participate, and John Scott Clough, who was also Kyle Secor's boyfriend on [italic]St. Elsewhere[/italic], was hot as the son of the villain played by Henry Gibson.

I'm "Northern Exposure" shocked and saddened that I haven't been mentioned ONCE in the previous 326 replies.

I'm Doug Funny. Everybody thinks Disney ruined me when they bought the rights, even the people who only actually watched the Nickelodeon episodes.

We're the deleted scenes from the first two [italic]Problem Child[/italic] movies. Don't expect to find us on any of the home video releases despite being reincorporated into the films to bring them up to 92 minutes.

I'm [italic]Buds[/italic], [italic]Murder She Wrote[/italic]'s well-deserved "Take That" to its main competition on Thursday night. If only life could imitate art in this case.

I'm the mediocre or downright piece of shit shows that hit the jackpot by being sandwiched in between mega-ratings powerhouses. This ensured our making it past the 100th-show mark in many instances. Watch us count our syndication money and watch our actors prance about town as if they actually had anything to do with the success of the show.

The list of lucky bastards and bitches includes A Different World, Caroline In The City, Becker, Cosby (the second one, featuring the wasted talent of Madeline Kahn), Step by Step, Dream On, Newsroom, Suddenly Susan, Spin City, Just Shoot Me, and 227.

I’m the producers of the Law & Order Franchise Family, who would like to take this opportunity to thank some of our long-standing, loyal sponsors:

The Atlantique (boutique hotel and swanky bar)

“Babes Being Bad” Productions

Catalyst (dance club)

Eager Beaver Strip Club

Fashionella Magazine

Federal International Savings

Frederic Madson Securities (whose founder was unfortunately incarcerated on Ponzi scheme charges)

Gramercy College

Gramercy Savings

Hamilton James College

Hanford University (an Ivy League Institution)

Hellman’s Department Store

Hudson General Hospital

Hudson Rent-A-Car

Hudson University

Les Bois Jolis (uptown restaurant for lunching socialites)

Live with Barry Bishop (cable news station talk show)

Manhattan University

Manhattan Institute of Technology

Morean’s (celebrity hang-out restaurant)

The New York Empires (basketball team)

The New York Ledger (conservative tabloid newspaper)

The Nut Hut (sex shop and peep shows)

Panworld Airlines

Phil Marco’s New York (syndicated gossip column in The New York Ledger, see above)

The Philadelphia Cannons (basketball team)

Seeker Geeker/Gofer (internet search engine)

St. Andrew’s Hospital

St. Jude’s Hospital

St. Mark’s Hospital on Amsterdam

Stanley High School (private school on 3rd Ave)

Stein Memorial Hospital

Tequila Chito’s

Trigger Club (after hours dance club)

WNYJ TV

I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...SCARED!

I'm the jiggly, free-range handheld camera, so frequently used nowadays in drama, comedy, reality, and game shows, that it's been forgotten NYPD Blue started it all.

I'm Carry Bradshaw's clever voiceover narrative for morons who can't keep up, which was aped by so many other lazily written shows that everyone forgot who did it first and did it wisely, back in the 80's.

I'm Nathan Bedford, star of [italic]I'll Fly Away[/italic], the best show of the early 1990s.

I'm the short lived animated series The Critic.

Fuck you, R331.

[quote] I'm the jiggly, free-range handheld camera, so frequently used nowadays in drama, comedy, reality, and game shows, that it's been forgotten NYPD Blue started it all.

Don't I at least deserve SOME credit?

[quote]I'm Mondays and I'm a bitch!

Now you know why I hate Mondays. I hate bitches.

I'm Don Rickles, wondering why the hockey pucks who run Fox cancelled my show [italic]Daddy Dearest[/italic] after barely a year. Even [italic]CPO Sharkey[/italic] got two years before it got the old heave-ho!

Ruff, ruff! I'm Poochie the Rockin' Dog, a grim warning of things to come for long-time [italic]Simpsons[/italic] viewers who will soon come to realize the depth of this once-great show's contempt for its fans. The episode that introduces me is basically the [italic]Stardust Memories[/italic] of television.

I'm the failed NBC daytime soap opera Sunset Beach.

I'm [italic]Generations[/italic], the first daytime soap about a black family. I got only two years while that shitty-ass [italic]Dark Shadows[/italic] wannabe [italic]Passions[/italic] runs nearly a DECADE? Fuck that shit! No wonder NBC daytime fell into the toilet and is never coming back.

I'm Sasha Mitchell on "Step by Step" and I'm perfect but you won't know it yet because you won't be going through puberty for a couple of years. All you know is that I'm that sweet dweeb always making everyone roll their eyes.

I'm Peggy Hill's parachute that refused to open, but she still survived anyway! Those isometric butt clenches do wonders.

I'm Raymond. If everybody loves me, they've got a funny way of showing it. But not "ha-ha" funny, more like "why does he take so much shit from these sociopathic assholes?"

I'm the episode of [italic]Blossom[/italic] that wasn't very special. In fact, I was actually kind of ordinary.

So sorry, Jackeé at r338, you were indeed fabulous...

Sorry Jackée, but anytime you were not in a scene, 227 was utterly unfunny. Check this clip and see how many times you can laugh (the audience certainly had a hard time).

Oops, here's the clip

I'm Ann Magnuson as Catherine Hughes, the flamboyant editor of Chicago Weekly magazine in "Anything But Love." You probably wouldn't expect to find an edgy performance artist like me in a mainstream, middle-of-the-road sitcom alongside Jamie Lee Curtis and Richard Lewis, but here I am.

I'm "possessed by the devil" Marlena from Days of Our Lives, which miraculously didn't result in the end of the show and ruin of everyone associated with that plot.

I'm a CBS Special Presentation!

I'm Sarah Silverman's Saturday Night Live stint.

R354: I'm 8-year-old me's shock of seeing that at the beginning of every Peanuts, Garfield and Bugs Bunny special and [italic]The Wizard of Oz[/italic] instead of this time-tested classic that had lasted nearly 20 years:

I'm Nora Dunn's career after the stunt she pulled with Andrew "Dice" Clay on SNL. I don't exist.

I'm puberty, coming down on the top child stars of the 1980s like a bitch and providing a fresh crop of has-beens for the "Where Are They Now" circuit. First, I'll claim the [italic]Diff'rent Strokes[/italic] kids, who will end up spending more actual time doing this than they actually spent on [italic]Diff'rent Strokes[/italic]. Then, I'll go after Emmanuel Lewis, Webster himself, who'll mostly be getting asked questions about Michael Jackson and the constant comparisons to Gary Coleman despite also having worked with people like Ben Vereen, Gwen Verdon and Sammy Davis, Jr. in his day. And some of those who find Jesus will also be finding other lines of work; this means you, Tiffany Brissette, who won't even get the same faith-based media exposure Lisa Whelchel can get. At least she didn't end up fat and homeless like her TV brother Jerry Supiran; I did to him what the talkies did to John Gilbert. Others won't even have a prayer, otherwise Brian Bonsall would have been at that [italic]Family Ties[/italic] reunion/EW photoshoot, but I guess his probation officer wouldn't let him.

The situation will become exacerbated thanks to cable reruns and DVDs of your former, cuter, less pathetic selves, and the Internet keeping track of your current selves for the purpose of ridicule and schadenfreude from people who will never even amount to whatever they amounted to. Hey, we can't all be Neil Patrick Harris.

And if you want to keep making it in Hollywood as an adult, don't do meth whether you're straight (Jodie Sweetin) or gay (Danny Pintauro). And stay away from crack, or you'll see why Todd Bridges should have just said no. You'll live to regret it. Unless you're Dana Plato. But the drugs that killed her were legal.

R358 yada yada yada, so annoying, annoying dl.

R359 is an illiterate prick. The 1990s created plenty of those.

I'm the 1994 TV mini seriestScarlett, the long awaited sequel to Gone With The Wind.

Starring:

Joanne Whalley Kilmer (soon to be ex wife of Val) Scarlett O'Hara

Timothy Dalton Rhett Butler

In a few years I will be completely forgotten. Did anyone actually enjoy me?

I'm Toonces, the driving cat, the cat who could drive a car. I drive around all over the town. Badly. That's pretty much all there is to the joke, but they milked it until the cat actually died.

I'm a three-hour movie stretched out to two two-hour broadcasts. I'm what passes for a miniseries on network TV these days.

I'm a joke about a [italic]Facts of Life[/italic] reunion on a 1994 [italic]Simpsons[/italic] episode that came true in the 2000s…except that Jo, and not Tootie, was the longtime holdout, and they couldn't get her. Thanks a lot, [italic]The Division[/italic]! Unfortunately, the other predictions — that Lisa (Simpson, not Whelchel) would cure all disease and end war, have not come true yet.

The sacred miniseries format? Btw when did miniseries develop?

1960's in the UK, and 1970's in North America , r365

I. too preferred the CBS special presentation music of the 70's/80's, lifted from the score of a Hawaii Five-O episode of the early 70's.

We're just some of the loose ends on [italic]Dallas[/italic] that still remain untied after two reunions and a three-season revival series designed to tie them up in the first place.

I'm [italic]True Colors[/italic], the Fox sitcom about interracial marriage that died with Nancy Walker. When she died, the cast used Bounty paper towels to dry their tears.

I'm Time of Your Life, the short lived Party of Five spinoff.

I'm Men on Film, in Living Color's stereotypically gay movie reviewers that probably would cause all sorts of outrage this day and age because Damon Wayans' little hat offends people.

I'm the drama show Reasonable Doubts that starred Mark Harmon and Marlee Matlin. The deaf community didn't tune in to support Marlee and I only lasted two seasons.

I'm a song dropped from the movie version of [italic]Bye Bye Birdie[/italic] being performed by Dick Van Dyke and Helen Reddy on [italic]Diagnosis: Murder[/italic].

I'm Joe Mama.

I'm the ghost character played by Sarah Paulson on American Gothic.

I'm the gun David Strickland used to shoot himself. I'm why [italic]Suddenly Susan[/italic] was suddenly cancelled.

I'm [italic]The Jackie Thomas Show[/italic]. I couldn't even outlast Tom Arnold's marriage to Roseanne.

I'm [italic]The Jacksons: An American Family[/italic], which features some of the finest acting work Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs will ever do.

R376, Strickland hanged himself. So you need to be the bed sheet, instead.

I am Caroline in the city and suddenly Susan .. Two horribly written shows , that both managed to survive 4 seasons ..how did this happen ? I am wings from the same producers of cheers and Fraser, yet I will never get any recognition or awards..

I am Sammi Davis-Voss's unplaceable accent on Homefront, the greatest show of the 90s.

I'm Pat Robertson, then-owner of MTM Productions, syndicator of [italic]Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman[/italic] in reruns. I put pressure on the show's actual production company to fire Chad Allen as soon as he was outed. Don't blame me for doing what the Bible says.

[quote]So you need to be the bed sheet, instead.

NBC was so white back then, I bet even the bed sheet he hung himself with was white. Other than Eriq LaSalle, the peacock was practically the only living thing of color left on that network after [italic]Fresh Prince of Bel-Air[/italic] was cancelled!

I'm Conan O'Brien's "Masturbating Bear," which infuriated NBC censors — and yet they wouldn't let him bring the bear with him when he left the network.

I'm the Married With Children boycott started by Terry Rakolta.

I'm the fruit basket the staff of [italic]Married with Children[/italic] sent her every year they were on the air.

I'm [italic]Road to Avonlea[/italic], a well-written and acted Canadian family drama loosely based on a series of books by Lucy Maud Montgomery, with production values to rival any network show and a bunch of characters from the 1980s version of [italic]Anne of Green Gables[/italic] in recurring roles, though not Anne herself. Americans will only get to see me on The Disney Channel, which you had to pay for back then, but I will earn some Emmys and even a Cable Ace Award or two. After I go off the air, the producers will get into a royalties lawsuit with the Montgomery estate, and Disney Channel will drop the word "the" from its name, switch to basic cable and become a cesspool of criminally bad sitcoms about narcissistic teenage girls and their idiotic friends, while the quality of their original movies will also go downhill rapidly along with everyone else they produce, and [italic]The Sopranos[/italic] will get all the credit for "breaking new ground" in making cable TV drama competitive with networks instead of me.

I'm Nancy McKeon and this is my big comeback show! No wait - THIS is my big comeback show!

Why doesn't anyone want to see me play a horny straight woman? Lisa, quit sitting on my fingers, yeesh, I asked you a question.

I'm Matthew Perry, pretty hot shit right now and getting my feet wet in film work thanks to the success of Friends.

In fifteen years, I'll be like my buddy Nancy McKeon (remember when I got to die in her show?), with three "comeback" flops in a row.

I'm [italic]Hearts Afire,[/italic] which Linda Bloodworth-Thomason will loudly tout as her attempt to strike back at everyone who criticized her for being so close to the Clintons. Despite the presence of mullet-loving Markie Post, no one will watch me.

I'm Jesse the HIV positive character on ABC'S Life Goes On.

I'm Mitchell Anderson. I KNOW Doogie would rather be with me (Jack) than with Wanda.

R389.....what da' hell show are you talking about?? (Matthew Perry + Nancy McKeon)

IM the Madonna reference that EVERY TV show in the 90s just had to have.

Roseanne - "DJ do you want to go to the Halloween party dressed as Madonna"?

Blossom- show devotes whole episode were Blossom imagines she's Madonna

Married. ..with Children- " I see Jefferson watching those Madonna videos on MTV, I know he wants to put on a bullet bra and Vogue"!

I'm a black sitcom where race wasn't the overarching theme or topic of every joke that could NEVER exist int today's hyper political media.

I'm a white show on UPN, which should have never been produced in the first placed, canceled midseason.

I'm the desk being cleared out by the UPN exec. who greenlit The Secret Diary Of Desmond Pfeiffer

I'm the Grammy performance of General Hospital's Ricky Martin; I will transform him from soap opera 3rd-banana to the hottest pop star in the world.

I'm Michael Portnoy, aka "Soy Bomb", and I don't care what anyone says--that performance NEEDED me!

And r390, that show kept going and going, long after it died.

r397, I just googled that. WTF. How did that ever get produced. I'm a comm grad and that has never come up in my media studies classes. WOW.

I'm the nerdy neurotic of an ensemble cast. Nowadays, I'm the token gay.

I'm The Crew, the short lived FOX sitcom about a group of flight attendants.

I'm Dinah Manoff.

I'm the special guest star billing I get on every episode of the tv show whose ratings I saved.

I'm the controversial Canteen Boy sketch on Saturday Night Live that featured Alec Baldwin.

"Are you a drug dealer?"

I'm the Cliffhanging series finale Out of This World.

I'm Jessica Costello the dead slut on Murder One

I'm Gunther on Friends

I'm the short lived FOX sketch comedy show House of Buggin', that starred John Leguizamo.

I'm the soundtrack to the teen show with Buffalo Tom, Juliana Hatfield, and other alt-rock artists now completely lost to the sands of time.

I'm Rolonda Watts. I was supposed to be the next Oprah, but syndicated talk shows were a dime a dozen by that point, so King World gradually turned my show into another Jerry Springer clone, so I had enough and walked away from it.

I'm the stroke that marred Robert Guillaume's return to television.

Yay Rolanda watts troll is here!

[quote] It's safe to say Desilu and the Drumstick book beat Schwarz' registry of the idea by years.

Schwartz got his idea from an LA Times story published in April of 1965, so I'm unsure that he had ever heard of the Beardsley family before that movie came out. And Desilu ended up becoming Paramount Television anyway, so what were they going to do, sue themselves? Why you feel you need to defend the integrity of a horrible man like Frank Beardsley is beyond me. Even in the Monterey Bay area where he lived, it's no secret what a piece of shit he was. Under those circumstances, who cares who did it first?

Here's the REAL story:

I'm Marissa, the blind sidekick on Early Edition.

I'm Dan Conner's heart attack in what should have been the last episode of [italic]Roseanne[/italic].

I'm weed. Writers try to work references to me into their dialogue whenever they can, and don't expect it to let up now that Prop 215 has passed.

I'm Maggie Roswell doing a better Julie Andrews impression than Julie herself was able to do by this point as the voice of Shary Bobbins, the Simpsons' ill-fated nanny.

I'm ANOTHER WORLD.

We were the critical and ratings darling of the 70s and the first soap to go to an hour.

We're poised for a comeback once we get Pat Randolph back on the canvas.

[quote] I'm ANOTHER WORLD. We were the critical and ratings darling of the 70s and the first soap to go to an hour. We're poised for a comeback once we get Pat Randolph back on the canvas.

I'm Terri Guarnieri, a former producer for [italic]Gimme A Break![/italic] and [italic]The Cosby Show[/italic], inexplicably hired by P&G, whose track record with sitcoms is virtually nonexistent outside two syndicated flops from the 1980s, to try and help make that happen. Oops.

Crikey, all these one-season wonders and no mention of my show?

[quote] I'm Matthew Perry, pretty hot shit right now and getting my feet wet in film work thanks to the success of Friends.

Fast forward 20 years and he's cold shit, fat, bloated, looking 10 years older than he really is, miscast in yet another rehash of an old old chestnut Neil Simon while Jason Bateman gets all the film role he would get if he weren't such a sucky actor and a complete dick.

I'm Bonkers D. Bobcat. There must be someone out there who recognizes me.

I'm Howard Hesseman getting the hell off of [italic]Head of the Class[/italic] because I can't deal with that bitch Robin Givens or that fat creepazoid Dan Schnieder any longer. Let Billy Connolly deal with them if he wants to, I've had enough.

I am Fired Up, Boston Common, Veronica's Closet, Just Shoot Me, The Naked Truth, Jesse and all the other shows shoved into the time slots between Friends/Seinfeld/ER.

I am the best show on television in the 1990s.

We're all the forgotten SNL cast members whose dreams of movie spinoffs never came true.

I'm Ghostwriter a weird kids show on pbs geared at teaching kids how to solve crimes with the help of some ghost using refrigerator magnets to communicate

Willie Hernandez, one of the cast members of Ghostwriter is gay. He appeared on Real World Philadelphia.

I'm the ceiling fan in Twin Peaks.

I'm Rob Lowe. I've got top billing in a talky office drama about politics that's sure to return me to superstardom!

I'm one of the naked men running through Cecily, Alaska at the beginning of Spring.

[quote] We're all the forgotten SNL cast members whose dreams of movie spinoffs never came true.

We're all the [italic]All That[/italic] cast members who hoped to be the next Kenan & Kel or Amanda but never did, although in the latter's case that's probably a GOOD thing.

I'm [italic]The Chimp Channel[/italic], since Mindy Cohn needs to pay for the food she eats.

I'm one of the flannel shirts worn by Jared Leto on My So-Called Life.

I'm the Walsh house on Beverly Hills 90210.

I'm "Remember WENN", AMC's first excrsion into originating an original series. I had one funny and clever season followed by three of increasing mediocity before cancellation.

It would be nine years before AMC worked up the nerve to try again with "Mad Men".

I’m the heart attack that claimed Bill McNeal.

I'm the fish fetish Troy McClure is hiding from the public by marrying Aunt Selma.

"Northern Exposure"

I'm the other Charlie Brown Christmas special from 1992 that includes characters who didn't exist in 1965 when the more famous original one aired, but even now more people remember that!

I'm R153, bitter as hell.

I’m David Lascher. If there was a young single woman as the main character, I guest starred as her love interest.