Question for the DLers in a LTR

Waitress: Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife: I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

It's normal, but if you get the vibe for awhile you are in denial and there is something you don't like...

He's cheating.

Different values.

You thought he was someone else.

You don't love him anymore.

You are depressed.

Clear it up or move on, don't ignore the issue.

Two choices OP.

Stay with him or leave.

Pick one.

Why are you wasting your time, OP? The worst feeling in the world is being in a relationship yet feeling alone...are you that desperate?

Oh for fuck's sake. It's the PMBT - of COURSE he's that desperate.

Waitress: Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife: I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings: (Singing elaborately...) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

There are not many people on this site who are in long term relationships. More than 40% are closeted.

You should talk to him OP.

well maybe if you hadnt gambled your moneyaway and lost your home OP

I'll set aside the *spam* comedy hour for a moment when I'm desperate for laughs.

Eight years is a relatively good chunk of time (in this day and age) to spend with someone and the brief description or impression you have given sounds like a situation where 2 people have become strangers to each other and someone has mentally/emotionally checked out to the degree where silence (or lack of meaningful communication) has become the "new normal."

I can't comment further or provide advice given the brief snapshot you have given. But what I can provide is an example of a couple (male is 67; female is 56) who have been my neighbours for 5 years and they are retired with absolutely no financial worries.

There is zero meaningful dialogue; no sex (he complains / jokes about it to me); he puts up with her vicious moods and sometimes public tantrums; she smokes pot like a fiend just to get through every day; she cares in a way for him but truth be told can't wait till he kicks the bucket or gets so old and incontinent that she can put him in a nursing home, he becomes someone else's problem so she can then sell the house and travel and live it up. The happiest I have ever seen her was the day we were the 3 of us going to some young person's funeral and she blabbed on the way to the church about their recent signing off on "Mirror wills." Which means: what 's his is hers etc etc and so on. Forget someone else's pain at attending their son's funeral, this woman was uniquely focused on her needs. I had to ask to stop and change the subject.

I am sharing with you these sordid and seemingly irrelevant details for you to pause and really look inward (without casting blame) and take an assessment.

Life is very short. As someone suggested, perhaps a chat in a park, away from 'distractions' might be the perfect backdrop to initiate a (difficult) conversation.

But whatever route or solution you do take, go by your instincts and ponder if you see yourself living the life of the couple I just described. A private counselling session just for yourself to sort out your thoughts could also be a good start.

Don't wait because - this is your life. The only one you have.

If you feel alone when you are with him what's the point? To be alone is not to be lonely. Just means you don't have to put up with a strangers rubbish. Punch . Delete. Pronto.

OP, some of my loneliest times were in two long term relationships when they started to go downhill. We didn't rebound.

Possibly others go through this as a phase and things work out.

Good luck.

To add, some of my happiest, most content times have been when I was alone, no boyfriend in sight or remotely on the horizon.

R8 very wise words. Are you a counselor/therapist?

(R12) No not a therapist. But "having been there" myself, I know that sometimes 'good' people have the hardest struggles or ability to see and objectively assess an emotionally draining situation. I also know (from experience) that when one is at a low point in terms of damage inflicted, is unfortunately the exact same time one needs to shore up enormous psychological and spiritual strength and will and either work through the problem or (as previously stated) walk away.

If you can somehow get through an emotionally searing experience (such as described above) - there's a sense of elation and a sense of 'seeing life and potential for the first time.'

The way I look at it is everyone has a choice in any given situation.

Never easy, but as one of my favourite authors Joseph Campbell, (American scholar who devoted his entire life to the study of all the mythologies as the basis of spiritual rituals) said, and I can't paraphrase but the gist of it is: As you go through life, it seems like a mess, confusion abounds, nothing fits or makes sense....but if you hang in long enough you get to the point where you look back on your life as Mr Campbell stated, and - you will see that every incident, every person you met, every obstacle you encountered along the way, was like leading you to where you are and he likens the journey to a "book" where everything begins to make sense "and falls neatly like a series of chapters in a book" and you realize that the messes you encountered were the necessary steps you needed to go through.

I found great comfort in his writings. I highly recommend him. I believe he passed away in the late 80s. Widely known and highly respected American scholar.

I second your recommendation and admiration for Joseph Campbell, r13. Brilliant and prolific man. His work is approachable and far reaching. A real loss when he died, however his contributions continue today.

Very informative posts, btw.

It's not funny, how you & him don't talk anymore, communication is what keeps couples close. No communication equals distance. Stop tiptoeing around, time for a heart to heart.

R12 is not wise or sane. He/she is a fucking psycho who tries to derail threads by posting and re-posting a lame Month Python routine.

OP, let's back up a moment. Has he always been emotionally distant or is this something new? Is any part of your relationship working? Have there been any recent financial issues or job issues for either of you? More info from you would be helpful.

I'm guessing OP didn't realize the guy was distant at first or he isn't distant all the time.

Maybe OP, you've outgrown him emotionally. Usually distant people don't even know what they are missing.

I am with someone like this and we've been able to keep it together, but even while trying, I go through lonely times. Just make sure that you have other friends, hobbies, etc. No one can be everything to the other.

There are certain men that get more distant as the relationship goes on, but they are narcissistic. Are you just awakening to the fact that it's been like this for 8 years or has he totally changed?

I bet you've changed and now his emotional deficiencies stick out like a sore thumb.

Why are so many people black & white...stay or go. It's not that simple.

Passive-aggressiveness and the silent treatment is another form of mental cruelty and control. A friend of mine, married around 20 years got some counselling and the councillor told her: "Whenever there's a power play, withdraw and then there's no power play."

When a relationship gets to the point of indifference and form of control and belittling the other person, then as "Joseph Campbell stated: "You do not have love and you should get out." I have a book by him and I think it's called "The Art of Love" where he describes the different types of love and those relationships you should steer clear of."

He's a Cancer isn't he? There is no cure. You won't learn about love and relationships by reading Joseph fucking Campbell. You might as well read your horoscope. Life is episodic. It takes mutual hard work or complete complacency for a relationship to go the distance. Keep it real, but remember to separate usually means just that. Give him an ultimatum regarding therapy, if he refuses or makes you feel this is all "your" problem, then it's time to leave. Skip self help books and all such nonsense. Meaningful communication is the only thing that works.

Op are you a woman? You sound like a woman.

I prefer to hint around as to what I want and then throw a bitch fit when I don't get it.

OP you’re just a really bad bottom. You don’t know how to keep your man happy so you deserve to be alone. Fuck you OP. I hope u get the Rona and your man leaves you stone cold on your sick bed.

Real relationships are rare. Most are financial arrangements, sexual infatuations that flame-out, the result of a pregnancy, roommates or oh hell I just don't care anymore.

But every single person thinks a 75-year passionate love affair is going to happen for them.

[quote]I'm not a nag or an attention whore or anything like that

The fact that you say you are not, means you are.