Jackie On Assistance

She got us kicked out of our section 8 apartment for letting half the fucking Radziwills crash on the floor in the living room for weeks on end.

She got the idea to restore Grand Central station while she was sleeping in it.

Stop talking about my mother

I once saw her in Washington Square Park in 1981 licking stamps and applying them to passers-by. She was wearing nothing but a chartreuse macraméd shawl.

Stallone?

Shortly after her mother died, Little Eddie Beale paid her a pity-visit and "accidentally" left a sweater behind so Jackie would have something presentable to wrap around her head.

Ethel used to send Caroline and Jr. hand me downs so the kids at least looked presentable when DCYS would do their follow up visits.

God, I love this thread!

Classic DataLounge!

R1 wins

r5, in another thread someone referenced Jackie Onassis, but it auto-corrected to Jackie On assistance.

It was funny, but not that funny.

The origin of Jackie O A.

For the record, r9, it was that funny.

R8 of course ruins the entire thread by not being able to contribute anything to it except to point back to herself as if she is some old-time Datalounger and try and glom onto the rest of the thread that way... how tired, tedious and ultimately dick wiling.

THREAD CLOSED

[quote]THREAD CLOSED

The fuck it is!

R10 ruined by explaining it.

Damn there are some sour bitches on this thread.

Jackie On Assistance missed a welfare appointment because she was "having her nails done." This was her code phrase, of course, for popping a squat outside of the Russian Tea Room and mumbling about Proust during the weekday lunch hour.

She used to steal art books from Rizzoli, rip them up, and line her freezing apartment walls for the insulation.

Jackie Onassis auto corrected to Jackie on Assistance...

NEVER HAPPENED.

Remember when Jackie and her sister Lee got in a fight of Jackie's baby daddy and Lee snatched her weave right off?

R17 = Lee Radziwill

During those years, her many escorts claimed her undercarriage smelled of a faux pâté made of velveeta & friskies with a pall mall butt crushed out in the bullseye

I just remember her guttural "Do you know who I was?" when Duane Reed denied her linkcard on a Chinette purchase.

Jackie had her right eye insured for a MillION dollars, confident that the left one would never know. Ethel poked her with an old golf club she found in the garage and they collected $40.

What a strange thread-

She lost her front teeth in a cat fight with YPIR and couldn't afford implants so she stuck a couple of Tic Tacs in and called it good.

Too poor to afford lessons, she told John Jr. that he could fly.

R20 owns This Thread !

Julie gave Jackie her first cigarette and told her smoking calms the nerves during hard times.

She let Teddy Kennedy borrow her car on that fateful night he hooked up with Mary Jo Kopeckne.

She forgot to tell him about the brakes.

Jackie used to ride back and forth on the Chappy Ferry all day, fishing leftover sandwiches out of the trash.

Jackie lived off of Rudolf Nureyev's smegma, for protein and that sort of thing

She's switched from Marlboros to Mavericks.

Ran into her at the bodega once while she was getting a couple loosies...wanted me to come back to her squat for dinner but gawd! She says 'pasta' but it's only stale elbows & ketchup packets. Word to the wise.

I'm old enough to remember when Chita Rivera threw her a rent party.

Many of us enjoyed seeing Jackie tap dance on street corners seeking spare quarters. That girl could dance!

"WILL SPEAK FRENCH FOR FOOD"

Oh yeah she did that.

Jackie fed pigeons alkaseltzer on those days she hosted dinner parties.

I once delivered pizza rolls only to find Graydon Carter plucking "quail" in the kitchen.

She was S T A U N C H staunch

She's giving blowjobs for crack at Met galas.

The local dry cleaner is really tired of having to repeatedly explain to Jackie On Assistance that there is no way they can get those stains out of that pink suit. But the Tennessee Williams prototype homosexual who works in back would kill for that matching pillbox chapeau!

She's seething that she didn't think of that huge garage sale at Christie's.

Like bits of the one true cross, the number of assasination bullets she reluctantly parts with could decimate every Cuban man, woman, and child three times over.

She had all that crap moved out of Grey Gardens ... and moved into her apartment.

Senior staffers at Doubleday knew to look the other way when they caught her sifting through the trash for odds and ends of uneaten foodstuffs that would be thrown out after committee meetings.

52 years later, for some of us elders, it is till too soon for assassination jokes.

This thread is hilarious but LOL to R35!

Still, not till, and I'm looking at you, R39 and R41.

[quote]it is till too soon for assassination jokes.

Lighten up, Sandy! LBJ was winking and smiling with his buddies on the plane back to DC, and that was only a couple hours later.

I have stated my boundaries, R47.

Remember when she first hit the skids she thought Cabrini Green was Mamie Eisenhower's favorite color? Or should I say colour?

I remember when Jackie used to wear pleather shoes.

She sold her hair to buy a waterproof watch for Teddy. He gave her barrettes that she could no longer support.

Jackie On Assistance had to sell part of some dinnerware for a bus ticket to attend a Courtesan Conference in Cincinnati, to reignite her career but alas, it wasn't meant to be

I knew something was up when I spotted Burger King wrappers in her trash can.

Marilyn would send her her philosophical aphorisms through JFK, and Jackie would stitch the scraps of paper together to make a dress.

Many don't know this but in the 70s, while on tour, Supertramp spotted JOA slinging hash at a diner to help earn money to keep JFK jr. in that private school she was always putting on airs about. They took one look and knew she'd be the perfect model for their next album. She was glad for the gig. She earned 500 big ones for that.

Come on Mary give me a dollar or I'll have to earn from your husband LESTAH!

She was always on that cabbage soup diet.

Her gougeres were never the same once she started making them with surplus government cheese.

JoA occasionally round up various neighbors' children for her welfare visits. She asked them to call her "Marmie" while she dusted an empty liquor cabinet wearing only a tulle apron and pasties made out of Trident gum wrappers.

She was fired from her phone sex operator job because she refused to emote.

"Oh. Daddy. Put. It. In. Me. Oh. Oh."

Bump

She saw me playing with my dog in the park, "Oh that's a cute dog can I give it one of it's treats?". I handed her the treat, she told my dog to sit and then she ate the treat. Bitch ate my dog's last snack cracker.

"Bitch ate my dog's last snack cracker."

Fran Drescher's character on the nannie? Totally based on Jackie.

Jackie did the plastic-lined Berkin bag trick at every buffet and every grocery taste table.

SHITTY LITTLE ONASSIS!

I caught her shoplifting.

During the peak of my success with baked goods (still available in some grocers' freezers) she consulted me about launching a line of Eternal Flame tabletop cigarette lighters, or fondue warmers, whatever.

Poor thing really was sort of trapped in the 70s. However, having picked up the "widow of fallen hero" mantle, I tried to be kind.

I once saw her crawling from a crack den in Queens.

I know she went to AA to scam the coffee and stale donuts. Hi, I'm Jackie B. K. O.

How timely your post is!

Any Katherine Ross sightings? She's my favorite movie star!

Ratchet bitch running away from bill collectors.

At one point, she was exclusively dating men with an underwear fetish so she could raid their private stash for new lingerie

Bump

She was so embarrassed when people found out they repossessed the car.

LOLOLOL at R68 and R71.

The greatest blow to her pride was being dropped by Truman Capote.

Here she is trying to make some of that Uber money

I love this thread so much. Please keep going.

I saw her shuffling down the street in slippers and a robe.She was mumbling to Vicent Gigante about a large Marlboro snipe near the sewer.----

Her first day at work at the meth lab. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do especially if she doesn't know Word or Excel.

Although she saved Grand Central Terminal from demolition, Jackie had too much class to argue when they denied John-John a permit to break-dance for coins inside the Main Concourse.

Here's when Auntie Jackie had Anna Christina smuggle jewelry in her bra at Barney's and Lee had to bail them out of jail. Lee was absolutely livid.

When Jackie learned that her Sears card had been maxed out, she tore the poor salesgirl's hair out and referred to her as that "little Mimi whore" in a garbled French accent.

Say what you will about her, even when she hit the skids, she still had too much integrity to take over the part of Grizabella when Betty Buckley left Cats.

Her disguise isn't working.She's been bounced out of every NYC diner for stealing the Sweet&Low and Mini Moos.

In the late 70s, she was known to hole up in a phone booth with a bag of thunderbird so she could drunk dial Pat Nixon begging her to convince Betty Ford to donate a salvaged Granada so she could take Rosalynn up on her offer to mule Carters pills into Tijuana

Anyone know what her net worth may have been,had she not married Ogrenassis? Heaven forbid, if someone tried to steal that money from baby john-john or precious Caroline.I feel bad for Christina.

She was one if the first in history to peddle her gag worthy sex tape of her and Ari.

She was only able to salvage one Polo sweatshirt after her Pimp burned her clothes for holding out on him.

Pulp International-Vintage 1940s and 50s gossip magazine..

That marvelous woman taught me how to keep an immaculate bong.

She'd drop by, grab my bongs, pour the water through a coffee filter, scrape sides/slides, and then leave with a tinfoil coated in gummy black resin.

Bless her.

She declared she was blind for SS disability and to sell pencils on the streets of New York.

She was into ramen before it was trendy!

Two years in a row she bummed ciges from me at the Literary Lions gala.

Jackie and her best friend, Lawanda, from when she was still living in the projects. Before she was able to get vouchers.

Here she is trying to sneak pinching a dookie when she didn't have a dime for the powder room. She thought no one was looking.

*Sigh* Here I go again, bailing Jackie out of jail another time. She needs to stay off the streets or I'll start posting bail in zlotys.

I remember when Jackie drove her broken down Gremlin to Washington to beg the Reagans to not cut her welfare stipends. Jacqueline's petit French nose was très merde after complimenting Nancy's intuitive fashion sense.

She had once sneered at Joan Crawford's broiled peanut butter and bacon canapes, but her own Ritz crackers spread thinly with peanut butter from a number ten can, topped with Bac-O's and heated on the radiator were a poor imitation and she knew it.

I'm liking R99 best so far!

And Mother and I will be trying that recipe tonight!

(Jackie's , that is. Not Joan's.)

Poor cousin Jackie went through a tough time in the City, all alone with her double widowhood and Kennedy gonnorhea. She should've stayed put in the Hamptons with mother darling and I.

Cole Porter used to rim my swarthy ass clean for whiskey money during the Depression. One time Jackie walked in on us once and he just kept on going. No daughter of mine will need assistance!

She probably needed mental health assistance after seeing that scene, Black Jack at R103!

Now I may have been the uglier, more boring sister, but I never had to taste neither of my husbands' brains or wrinkly old cocks! 82 and still kicking bitches!

Jackie used to sneak in and out of XXX theaters for personal diddling sessions.

There is just something absolutely hysterical about imaging Jackie Kennedy slicing off a hunk of government cheese. Even then, she'd still somehow make it seem "classy."

Or John-John and Little Caroline each holding onto and carrying one of those heavy sacks of government rice.

When the power went out in '77, she forgot to maintain her usual "crushed Nerds and powdered eggs foundation" makeup routine. She was holding a special blackout soirée serving Saltines and Aunt Edith's world famous Pâté au Friskés when the power came back on. Her guests were horrified at first glance.

Teaching John-John how to ask rich people for a handout. Hopefully she was raising enough spare change to buy the poor lad a pair of pants!

Teaching John-John how to ask rich people for a handout. Hopefully she was raising enough spare change to buy the poor lad a pair of pants!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

There's more to the link @ R83. On acquiring the navy blue coat, Jackie had a brainwave. She had designs on the design. The prominent 'YSL' logo would, she knew, be much seen and photographed: more so on her than on anyone else alive.

Sooo - shamelessly, she called Yves' lifelong partner and personal assistant, and after pleasantries - who after all would not take her call? - Jackie coquettishly got around to how her fabulous new autumn coat could only provoke admiration and envy, and doubtless - there was nothing she could do about it - duly increase yet further the admiration for Yves' genius.

She would, Jackie went on, be only too proud to support and confirm this dynamic on a professional footing. To be out there for Yves' genius: supporting a great artist , like a true patron. After all (her imagined clincher) - this relationship went beyond mere 'advertising.' It was really very special indeed - to any other concern, unbuyable. It was unique.

The call was treated with immense formal courtesy, and the promise to discuss the matter soon with The Master. Needless to say however Jackie's approach was very soon the talk of the Parisian salons, causing ripples of knowing condescending scorn at the idea, the very idea!

Soon enough word reached Manhattan, where Jackie's desired deal-making was treated a touch more tolerantly, though Capote knew a hot story when he heard one, and was on the phone for one full day. (Well, it beat working.) The gossip however went no further when Diana Vreeland sent out a confidential inner-circle-only memo stating that the story was to stop henceforth, and that Jackie was off limits. (Diana treasured her minimal access to Jackie.) And that was that.

The irony was that the navy blue coat was a gift from the House of Yves in the first place, so Jackie rather overplayed her hand. Nor were such gifts so forthcoming in subsequent seasons, logo or not. Win some, lose some!

This is the face she made when security caught her trying to shoplift a hamhock out the local IGA by hiding it under her YSL overcoat.

Jackie's favorite poor man's game was "Stowaway." The trick was to make yourself comfortable for a flight and when the stewardess came around to check your ticket, then she'd promptly jump up and lock herself in the lavatory for the duration of the flight.

The 70s were such a rough time for Jackie. But hey, a girl's gotta eat!

She was finally into Bellevue Hospital for repeated petit theft of free items(Sweet & Low,Mini Moos) The NYPD were tired of hauling her in.She demanded her cell be padded with leopard print.

[quote]When the power went out in '77, she forgot to maintain her usual "crushed Nerds and powdered eggs foundation" makeup routine.

Just now checking out the thread and this sent me over the edge. God bless you guys!

Seriously this is some of the funniest shit I have read in ages!

She used to hang out with Ayn Rand.

"It's a true symbiosis; I lend her my babies for public aid interviews and she gives me all the pork products from her food pantry box."

After being passed over for the Blackglama Mink ad,Jackie moved to Arkansas in a huff.She had the newly named John-John Boy,armed with a slingshot, go out to get Mummy a bear coat.

After having him skin and sew it,she had him take Polaroids for the National Enquirer.She knew at that moment she should have never boinked the ugliest man on earth for money.

I remember when Ari dropped Jackie off at JFK, promising to return after getting a pack of smokes. He never came back, hence "Jackie on Assistance"

She copped a squat on Fifth Avenue,iin yet another disguise. She was so used to free money,she figured " What the Hell"

So glad this white puta bitch is dead

R123: Sonia Sotomayor

Her and Ol' Bernie Madoff goe way back.She was actually the brains of the whole Ponzi S.cheme

She had a habit of stealing jackets at parties in a drugged out haze. Cher was absolutely furious.

Since had that trunk of prop widows veils and that crate of sunglasses,she conjured up yet ANOTHER disguise.She booked herself at the county psychic fair.

Her she is caught on a surveillance camera getting ready to pickpocket some old guy. She would stalk her victims like a cat.

Jackie trained the underprivileged New York's sewer rats to bring her pizza out of dumpsters so she could use the crusts for "baguettes". Their work lives on in the rats' descendants.

If so, R129, then Jackie's fabled charm was no fable!

Jackie's pimp was a good father figure at least.

Leave me the fuck alone you assholes. You try getting through life with eyes four inches apart, a high riding tit (see R89) and a husband with a wandering dick and exploding head. Not so easy.

Test

She took to hanging in the DC area,hoping to bank on her former fame. She'd go to the nearest park an approach groups of men in business suits with the line *Hey boys, remember me?"

Jackie invented the wrap dress after Ari slut-shamed her in front of Woolworths.

She calmly tied the remnants of the dress he slashed, adjusted her sunglasses, and calmly walked away. The only witness; one DFF picking through ashtrays.

BTW, errybody knew her as "Diane Fucks Furstenbergs" before that 'Von' shit.

She had her self fitted for some new panhandling props.There's a sucka born every minute.

Here she just got done blowing Ari during their courting week.He gave her that cost,making her one happy Hoe!

She's still in Newark Airport where Ari stationed her 39 years ago.She solicits minors for illegal sex..

Jackie O taught Winona Ryder everything she knew about shoplifting etiquette. Too bad Winona looked like a bag lady while stealing

A court sketch of Jackie trying to sue a back alley, freelance Botox injectionist. She didn't win and her face is frozen in this grimace.

She's taking a ride on the Tranny Train..

Nice try OP

She's getting ready to rob The Fifth Third bank on Thirty Three and a Third Street.

Here she proudly sorts the Almonds she stole from her neighbors tree.

Here's the outfit she was wore to spank her "Uncle Teddys" ass bright red.She broke out those pictures when she wanted some hush money from him.

Well, it seems this thread has run its course.

Well, it seems this thread has run its course

Well, It seems the person with nothing to add,needs to learn how to post.

Jackire stole a psalmbook from St. Pat's for rolling papers.

"This IS today's best cigarette; Psalm 23 Lord is my shepherd."

I eat shit.

Speaking of Jackie, somebody has posted every Jackie television movie on Youtube. They won't be up there long. There's several to watch.

Like Francis this week, Paul XI liked to pose for pictures with the poor and damaged.

Here's Jackie upon her arrival in Manhattan on an overcrowded refugee boat from Saigon. "Onassis died" my ass.

Here's the young Jacqueline Bouvier with her beloved horse Danseuse on the impoverished Lakota reservation she grew up on during the Depression. Black Jack managed to make a living serving as the Chief's male concubine bottom, and was bestowed a burned out former meth lab as a home.

Good ones, R153, R154 and R155!

Love it R150!

Here's Jackie the moment she realized she'd have to go on Assistance.

Bump

Do you know that after Jackie saw Grey Gardens, she had the NERVE to send me a note asking for her skirt back - the one on my head.

She said it got into the salvage bag by mistake.

And do you know, Jackie had the nerve to ask me if I could send some of the raccoons in our attic to her.

She claimed John-John wanted them for pets.

Of all the nerve - those raccoons are my pets!

I know all about your financial problems Jackie!

Do you know Jackie used to sit in the back of Mr. Kenneth's salon just to eat his Crudités and drink his Champaign - even when she couldn't afford to have her hair done?

She actually thought we couldn't see her back there stuffing those raw veggies in her mouth.

Sometimes she wouldn't leave the movie theater until she had taken every single roll of toilet paper from the ladies' room and stuffed them all into that big bag of hers.

She actually asked me to carry some of the extras for her. She claimed she liked their toilet paper and couldn't find any other paper soft enough for John-John's ass.

Then she'd march out of there looking all innocent.

OMG, I remember once this teenaged usher caught Jackie swigging White Zin from a bottle she had smuggled into the theatre in that purse of hers during a movie.

He asked us to leave - I was mortified!

ZOMG, that's nothing - Jackie offered to take me to lunch at the Four Seasons to thank me for all the money I'd loaned her (GIVEN her is more like it). After we had this amazing lunch, the waiter said her credit card was declined - I thought I would die of embarrassment. But Jackie, just as cool as a cucumber, excused herself - she said she just had to make a phone call to her bank.

Instead, she went into the ladies room and took all the soap and hand towels. The she left the restaurant - she just left me sitting there, dying of embarrassment. When I finally gave them my credit card, they charged me not only for the lunch but for all the things Jackie had taken from the restaurant ladies room.

I remember when she showed up for my Nana's funeral, we were all amazed. Jackie lived in my Nana's building but we had no idea they were friends.

Jackie wept openly - we were so touched. Then just before they closed the casket, Jackie sobbed loudly and leaned into to kiss my Nana one last time.

You guessed it - in that one quick move, she lifted my Nana's diamond circle pin and her wedding ring off the body. What an operator!

Often saw her at the Goodwill in Astoria where where she dropped the genteel accent and yelled, "Can't have Chanel, gimme used Bill Blass!"

Thank you, R167! I lived in Astoria many years ago. Walking down Steinway Street one morning I dropped half a wrapped bagel with cream cheese on the sidewalk. In a flash an old crone in over-sized sunglasses swooped into my path, scooped up the bagel and disappeared down the stairs to the R-train, cackling in maniacal glee. I swore up and down she looked just like Jackie O. but my roommate at the time refused to believe me. I knew it was her!

I remember when Jackie would steal peasant dresses in Spanish Harlem.

She used to market nickel bags of mexican ditch as sensimilia. "I simply have Jon-jon clean the seeds out of my shake," she confessed.

I remember how Jackie and her maid Providencia used to take turns disguising themselves so they could go through Duane Read checkout over and over to buy more than the store limit of "two per customer" on sale items Jackie really wanted to stock up on cheap, like Bounty Paper Towels and Dawn Dishwashing Detergent. Sometimes they'd do it for hours just to see how many times they could get through checkout with the sale items before the store manager stopped them. Then they'd dump all their items in the back of Jackie's illegally parked beat up Ford Grenada before the made their way to another Duane Reade to start all over again.

Jackie loved to ask for free samples from the Korean Deli Hot Food Bars. Until the Korean lady behind the counter would run her out of the store screaming at her in mixture of Korean and broken English.

Jackie loved to serve warmed over Lean Cuisine entree foods on her good silver and china when she had her women friends over for lunch.

They'd rave over Jackie's "recipe" for Chicken a l'Orange! Jackie would laugh and say, "Most of those bitches are just going to throw it up in my Powder Room before they leave anyway!"

Here she is stealing a horse to sell to the glue factory.

R161) Yet she complained about my house keeping on Hickory Hill.

Jackie refused to pay tolls. When she had to cross the Tappan Zee Bridge or the Verrazano–Narrows , she'd lapse into French and pretend to be confused until the toll booth attendant finally waved her through.

If she came across an attendant who didn't fall for her little ruse (or who, God forbid, spoke French) she'd throw some wadded up Greek Drachmas at the toll booth. Then she'd blow through the toll plaza as fast as she could drive.

Jackie hated to spend money on parties! When she found out how much it would cost to hire a piano player for one of her parties, she got one of her doorman to dress in a tux, sit at the piano, and pretend to be Bobby Short.

Then she lit the room by candle light and put a tape recorder of piano music under the piano.

Poor Cousin Jackie always looked good when I lent her my scarves.

Bump!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Garbo wasn't too happy about the 'Single White Female' attempts from Jackie, certainly since Garbo knew Onassis before her

Here's Jackie running to Paris to get smokes.

Jackie would troll outside the Chanel store in Paris begging wealthy men to buy her a new suit. She never had much luck with Chanel suits, "but this would be different!", she mumbled to herself.

She set Little Edie's hair on fire and blamed the alopecia.

Here she lovingly stirs the Arsenic Bisque she's made for her elderly tenants she was forced to take in. She plans to bury them under her Tulips this spring. Of course,she'll keep cashing the SS checks.

In 1979, Another World star Victoria Wyndham reached out to Jackie, offering coffee and hot food and a corner of her pottery studio as a place to keep out of the elements. Jackie spit in her face!

Though embarrassed by her bulky forearms,she pushes on.When she's not going door to door, she hangs out on Wall Street trying to trade day old pretzels for stock tips.It's not going well.

The brokers throw the stale shit on the ground and say "Listen lady,when you have some dead presidents we can tawk". As they walk away, she says in her breathy whisper " but,I do".

She dressed John John as fruity as possible and take the lunch money of the bully with the highest bid to kick little Johnny in the rear of his short-shorts..

That's sime resting bitch face she's got there, R153, and I don't mean Mrs Kennedy.

Bumpo Bouvier

Jackie On Assistance @ R182's link had in fact just stolen a postcard from the nearby Tabac. When later challenged about the photo, she breathed, 'But I had no idea - I thought the cards on the street were free, so it felt rude not to take one.'

JOA finally finessed the situation by tearing up, and saying, 'It was my special present for John-John from Paris.' The subject was dropped.

The Woman In Black giving JOA the side-eye was on her way to an exclusive late-night salon. She amused the cognoscenti by saying, 'Well at least this time she wasn't advertising for Yves! But the biggest joke is that she was all in white. I mean, the Virgin Queen she isn't.'

Jackie trying to read Braille while pretending to be blind for the benefit $$$$

Tiring of her usual Beaver men, she switched to the half monkey, half magnate,to sing Greek love songs in the street for change.

Jackie had a habit of tossing her cigarette butts carelessly onto the street. One of her careless throwaways was the source of the Bronx fires.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

She took endorsing embarrassing products..

Here she is getting ready to go to her K9 show in Tijuana. In those days $300.00 a show was a lot.

Bump

She was low,she took to shooting craps with The Bowery Boys..

Bitch would do anything for some free flyer miles.

She didn't pay her electric bills and they were about to cut off her utility services. Dressing up in vintage fashion were ways for her to keep her chin up

She had mocked her cousin in better days, but Jackie breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Edie Beale had left Grey Gardens for Florida by the time she was reduced to stealing her look.

Jackie on her way to CBGB to score some punk rock dick.

I'm LaRhonda Washington, the social worker looking onward, relieved to never hear one more of Jackie's asinine "extend my assistance" stories.

Bump

I had just had some minor (i.e. elective cosmetic) surgery. Jackie stopped by one day without calling. She claimed she heard about my surgery and she wanted to check on me. I thought it was a little odd but I was pleased she was thinking about me.

Jackie and I visited for a few minutes (although it was difficult for me to talk with the bandages). Jackie asked if she could use my bathroom, and of course, I said she could. I waited for her on the sofa in the Den. Jackie came out of the bathroom and seemed in a rush to leave. We said our goodbyes.

Later, I found Jackie has not only cleaned out my supply of prescription pain pills (the bitch even emptied a economy size bottle of Tylenol) but apparently she stopped by my kitchen and took every damn book of S & H Green Stamps I had ever collected! Her damn pockets must have been stuffed!

I encouraged Jackie to cut back her spending after JFK died, especially her spending on clothes.

Then she started wearing Jack's old suits to get sympathy from friends - I'll be damned if some of them didn't start giving her money for new clothes. And I mean serious money.

She was such an operator! She had more clothes than she could ever wear!

Here she is sneaking into Germany as a Syrian refugee trying to get some of those benefits.

Here's Jackie before her shift cleaning the Jeffersons' toilets. George knew he'd made it once he could afford white help.

Louise was also pretty happy to tell the other women at the Cen-tah that Jackie Kennedy was her domestic. Of course, most of them thought she was just bragging.

Stupid thread. Waste of DL wit.

R211: Caroline Kennedy

Here's Jackie at the first American Courtesan Conference in Akron, Ohio. Mama Janet A. had her face frozen with lard injections for the occasion.

Bump

BUMP DAMN IT BUMP!

Oh,she's smiling, but don't let her fool you.She got wind of the slo-mo Zapruder film.She has the trunk loaded down with the expensive Tiffany merchandise she bought on Aris credit card.

She'll hit every pawn shop enroute to her CIA designated undisclosed local. She'll reinvent herself once again becoming Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fliess.

Bump, betch.

Bump

Here she is at her funeral. In a Pauper's Grave. Cruel I know but Camelot had to end somewhere.

She posed for pussy porn to bring in a few bucks

She was Liza's coke dealer.

Love this thread!

I took that picture at r221! And that fur-collared cape was mine...I let her borrow it to cover her rags.

She was so desperate to stay in the media spotlight she almost flashed her cooter 30 years before Paris and Lindsay made it a trend.

I never thought I would have to see Jackie O naked.

Her strong jawline was used to cut government cheese.

Still health health conscious, but very cheap,she scrounges the sand filled ashtrays of NYC using one of Little Edie's show props she plucked out of the dumpster during the clean up. She's hasn't bought a pack of cigarettes since 1967.

What will Jackie on Assistance bring to the potluck Thanksgiving at Grey Gardens hosted by the Beales?She owes those mad minxe's one for that radioactive Pate she was servved a few years back.What shall she bring?

Hopefully her world-famous Faygo cake.

She took a job as a live mannequin in Macy's window for the holidays.She was emaciated from living on stale pretzels and sore from pushing the cart. She was relieved to not have to move around.

Here she is setting up her booth at the flea market. Hoping to make some money to buy the kids some Christmas presents.

She is forced to dress up as an elf while hauling and tying Christmas trees to the roofs of customer's cars.

Jackie On Assistance will never die.

One of Jackie's favorite gambits - Oh dear, I've spilled something on my dress. May I borrow one of your designer originals, dear. Just for the event, of course.

When the event was over, Jackie went rushing away wearing the "borrowed" dress and carrying her own dress.

Later if her friend or the designer had the audacity to ask about the "borrowed" dress, Jackie would say lightly, "Oh that, I'm SO sorry it fell out of the back of the car."

Then you'd see her wearing your dress in photographs!

Or worse...you'd see your formerly beautiful dress pinned to Little Edie's bald head in a documentary.

I was devastated!

But I had to admit, it looked good on Little Edie's head. But I loved that dress!

Truth be told, Jackie did the same thing with jewelry, horses, and antiques...

But she was my friend.

Once weekend, she went on and on about new diamond broach, Paul had given me and how perfect it would be for her to wear this particular luncheon. I decided to ignore her for once - Jackie, don't you ever shut the damn trunk of your car? I can't believe all the Lambert & Mellon family heirlooms that've fallen out of your car.

Later Jackie just sent her maid Provi Paredes around to pick up the broach, "Misses Kennedy say she a neeed it - issa EMER-GEN-SEE!" Oh what the hell!

Oh Bunny! You tell such funny stories.

May I bum a smoke - yes, yes, I SWEAR I'm going to quit!

(And you can keep that damn plaid coat - that's one way to keep me out of your closet.)

Oh THAT old plaid coat - well, I still have it anyway.

Who ever heard of something falling out of a car!

At the funeral, I was so tempted to unlatch the back door on the hearse...

Who knows what might've fallen out with Jackie's casket?

But I'm resigned.

I know, I'll never see my grandmother's 12 Hepplewhite dining chairs again.

When she temped at Home Depot, four or five lunches would mysteriously vanish from the company fridge each day.

She'd walk through security with an even bigger head scarf tied piled up on her head - once with jelly oozing down the back of her head.

This thread is like a phoenix repeatedly rising from the ashes. Indeed, Jackie on Assistance will ne'er depart this earthly realm of the Data Lounge.

Re: link @ R230. JOA knew full well that wearing her Dallas '63 outfit for the gig would be controversial. Accordingly, the outfit was used as a negotiating tool to triple her fee.

Stories differ among Macy's old-timers as to who first suggested wearing the iconic outfit. We will never know for sure, because documentation for the hire is unavailable.

If the outfit was controversial, it also naturally provoked sympathy. Shoppers would make it their business to work out the correct window from inside the store, then discreetly as possible slip banknotes under the curtain backing JOA. On a very good day, these dollar bills would build up, and other passers-by outside would get the idea.

When word-of-mouth spread and the media showed signs of interest the display promptly stopped. Even JOA had her limits; all in all, it had been a useful experience. She and Macy's parted on good terms, given that understanding about the documentation.

Here she is coming down from her meth high.

Lee snuck Jackie into Coachella but was embarrassed over her not being able to afford clothes, nor a razor.She then ditched her in the crowd.Here Jackie tries in vain to flag her fleeing sister down.

This thread isn't funny anymore.

JoA got kicked off the ski hill in Stowe, because she was selling skiers liqueur shots from a bottle she'd hide in her hat. Someone complained when they figured out she was selling her own urine once she ran out of Drambuie

The spoiled Jackie tried to to get off assistance by becoming an Air Hostess.Only twenty minutes in,she drank all of the mini bottles of booze and then cracked open the family sized one she had in her purse.

She giggled at how clever she was in hiding in the over-head luggage compartment where no one could see her.

Jackie found a bean company offering double your money back if you didn't think their beans were the best beans you'd ever eaten - Jackie very quickly spotted an opportunity to scam some money and to refurnish her Fifth Avenue apartment.

Jackie knew the best bean she'd ever eaten were made by a black maid working for her mother Janet at Hammersmith Farms. Over the next few weeks, Jackie and Lee bought and returned ever increasing numbers of cans, then cases, of Bailey's Beans - doubling Jackie's money each time.

Finally, with the help of a fork-lift Jackie "borrowed" from an UES construction site - she made her big score with the return of hundreds of cases of Bailey's Beans to a warehouse where she got her big payoff - double her money back. Laughing at how clever she'd been and how Jackie had made her own money without Ari, Jackie absent-mindedly opened a left-over can of Bailey's Beans while dancing around and waving her check for $1,500 from the Bailey's Beans company.

Lee and Jackie's maid Provi were shocked at Jackie's screams when Jackie suddenly realized that the Bailey's Beans she had been eating from the can WERE the best beans she'd ever eaten - better even than the beans made by Janet's cook at Hammersmith Farms.

"Do we have to give the money back now, Mees Jackie," asked a worried Provi?

"Oh fuck no," giggled Jackie, "I mean, $1,500 is $1,500. Screw those old white men at the bean company."

It was before she met Maurice Tempelsman who invested her money for her and made her super rich.

Good thing Maurice didn't ask JackieonAssistance to marry him, she would have made him super poor super quick, not that JoA would have married ever again, it would have fucked up her monthly assistance cheques.

Like JFK always said "Why buy the cow, when you can fuck Marilyn Monroe for a bottle of Barbiturates?"

In Mamie Eisenhowers memoirs, "Pink is the New Bitch: she tells the infamous story of the White House Tour that she was required to conduct for the incoming new First Lay, JackieonAssistance. Mamie not only graciously offered JoA use the the White House Wheelchair, she personally insisted on pushing the wheelchair herself during a portion of the tour the focused on the second state bedrooms The tour was going quite cordially and just as Mamie was about to show her the a very unique view from the very top of the Grand Staircase leading down the the State Ballroom, Jackie , perhaps sensing something was amiss, suddenly leaped out of the wheelchair without warning, just as Mamie was rapidly accelerating like a furious pink locomotive, hurtling towards the top of the staircase, claiming she had to powder her nose. Mrs. Eisenhower was taken by surprised as the strenuous effort of pushing the chair at that speed , no long weighted down by Jackie, resulted in it becoming airborne as it went careening through the priceless McKinley French windows and crashed onto the bricks of the North Portico outside.

Mamie says the after the tour she noticed several of the knitted pink toilet paper roll cover and matching pink toilet brush that had been presented to her by Queen Fabiola of the Belgians, were missing , and it after several weeks of extensive searches and interrogation of White House Staff lead by J Edgar Hoover personally, no sign of these national heirlooms was ever to be found.

It was only a few months later, while Mamie was in town for her annual birthday celebrations, that she happened by a liquor store near Lafayette Square when she was shocked to see JackieonAssistance sitting in a wheelchair pretending to be a cripple shaking a old soup can as she begged passersby for spare change. Mamie SWEARS that the same wheelchair was the one that went missing a few months after the tour., and that sitting atop JackieonAssistance's head was the missing Queen Fabiola toilet paper roll knitted pink cozey keeping jackie;s head warm against the bitter winds.

Standing O for R252

R252, I read that masterpiece with Eve Arden's voice.

JackieOnAssistance was notoriously frugal when it came to giving out Christmas gifts from the White House that were traditional given to politicfians and the elite D,C, society, so she was always trying to give out tasteful things items she made herself rather than spend a dime on "tacky merchandise from a retail shop" She would start her prepartions early on the morning of November 1 each year, she'd order the secret service to drive her around in the Presidential Lincoln convertible the residential neighborhoods of D.C, so she could collect all the jack'olanterns from the from porches , and in order to maximize her haul she would order the bubble roof to be off during her excursions. One day, coming down Pennsylvania Ave with the convertible piled high with her trove of fetid burnt out pumpkins covering every possible space, a gust of wind caught the lid of one of the jack-o'lanterns, and rather then let the rotting compost blow out the back of the car, Jackie scrambled over the back seat ,grabbing the runaway pumpkin top, it was only the quick reflexes of Secret Service Agent Hill stopping her from rolling out onto the Avenue that saved her. She arrived back at the White House her outfit splattered with the orange goo from her collecting.

She'd then proceed to create "handcrafted individual jars of her secret recipe "Bouvier Christmas Pumpkin Preserves" ( old jack-o-lanterns boiled in the left over booze she collected after State Dinners ) bottled in old urine specimen jars she fish out of the dumpsters at Bethesda , wrapped int bit of old Christmas wrapping paper she hoarded from holidays past, all came attached with her impeccable calligraphy wishing the recipient a "Joyeaux Noel" which is French for "Don't expect a real gift ".

Disaster struck in 1963 when it was unseasonably warm the first of November and the pumpkins she collected were more putrescent and in a far more advanced state of moldering decay than was normal . Undetered in her endless quest to save a dime Jackie still bottled them all up, and that January half of Washington D.C. was laid waste by a toxic pandemic of her handcrafted "Bouvier Christmas Amoebic Dysentery Surprise " that almost crippled the functioning of all three levels of the US government and resulted in the creation of the CDC. in the aftermath. LBJ made JackieOnAssistance swear with him on a Bible that she would never again inflict her homemade weaponized pumpkin shitstorms in a jar on an unsuspecting world ever again. LBJ even refused to use it the North Vietnamese ,saying " my bunghole still burns like I'm trying to shit out a twisted sardine can lid even those little gook bastards don't deserve that hell "

"Goddammit Jackie, get yer hand on that Bible and SWEAR before God you're sorry , hurry before Lady Bird starts shitting out a stream pumpkin scented napalm again and we all die"

Joyeauz Noel indeed.

R252 believed her own press, downed a fifth of schnapps, and fell into the sequel spiral...

Bump

I hear she's haunting the Trump Tower and stealing Melania's hair extensions.

I'm the cartwheels she's doing in her pauper's grave over Trump. How did America go from the Kennedys to the Trumps?

We need more Jackie Kennedy threads. She's fascinating.

We do need more Jackie threads. She's everything DL loves. She's a woman she's wealthy and she had a interesting cultured life.

I'm the beatdown she had at KMart with Marla Maples over the free sample kiosk.

I've stopped accepting her invitations for social get-togethers. Whenever I did attend her functions, my cigarettes would always "mysteriously" disappear.

Why was Jackie on assistants? And what does that mean?

Sad that most of these posters are now dead.

This thread was DL at its best.

After she ran out of her last stash of her favorite fragrance, Habanita, and couldn't afford any more, she thought she wasn't fooling anyone by wearing her own special mixture of bongwater and Fabuloso.

R265 Charlie is the one with the best stories of these society types. And still posts here. I doubt it if most of these posters are dead. It's just from 2015.

I came across this "Jackie On Assistance" DL character on here yesterday and it gives me legitimate crazy belly laughter whenever it crosses my mind. My boyfriend doesn't think it is funny but I sure do.

I love Jackie threads. Lets get this to 600 posts. Bump.

True story- while Jackie was guest editor in chief at the ole Bantam/Doubleday/Dell publishing Co in NYC she would go to special room to smoke with my father. He said she actually bummed a Marlboro Red off him when she ran out of-in his own words-“French smokes.” He also went to Olie’s With her for shark fin soup and then saw a revival of “La Cage” and then the next night a Roger Miller one man show. This had to be the late 80’s.

Remember when Jackie was kicked out of the Trump Taj Mahal for smoking in the elevator?

Jackie had some gorgeous designer purses

But they mostly stank to the high heavens

She was forever scooping Moussaka, Dolmades, and other rich foods from her weekends on Ari's yacht into her biggest bags and schlepping all that food back to New York for her and her kids to dine on during the week...

"Messus Jackee, I can no get dees smells and dees stains outta your begs - eets too much!"

Yesterday was jackies birthday. I'm surprised no one dug up this thread to have some fun.

Happy belated birthday Mrs Kennedy.

I used to post voraciously here in 2015 as therapy from a traumatic breakup with my ex.

This thread is comforting, thanks for bumping :3

In the mid 80s long after Ari had died, Christina told me about an odd call she received from JOA. After a few moments of pleasantries, JOA asked if Christina if she still drank 10-12 bottles of Coke each day. Christina, not wanting a lecture said no. “Too bad” JOA said. “ I was hoping you would save little John John the empties for a school project.” John John was 28 at the time. Christina replied “ Come off it Jackie, I know you want them to buy a pack of cigs and some Little Debbie Fudge Rounds.” JOA slammed the phone down while saying under her breath, “I hope you drown.”

Bump

Bump

Recently released FBI documents indicate that JOA and Razzi went on a crime spree involving ritzy grocery stores in NYC each Thanksgiving in the late 70s. Along with Truman Capote dressed as a baby and pushed by Jackie and Lee in a stroller, the trio made off with 90% of their meal. The documents do note that at one point they were almost arrested, but quick thinking Jackie pulled out a pink pillbox hat, placed it on her head and screamed “Oh God, my baby just shat on me!” while Lee stole Newport’s and some girlie magazines from behind the counter.

Jackie was much to classy for any of that. She was a true elite, she wouldn't be caught dead in type of shenanigans like that. Especially not evolving Capote.

Jackie was busy counting her $$$ in the 70s. Now Lee on the other hand....

Jackie wasn’t proud of having to maintain a rich bitch image while stealing day old pastries for her teas and brunches with Bunny and the gals. She did what any person on assistance does, she took her opportunities where she could- even if it meant hanging with Capote in a stroller. Lee was never as talented as Jackie in shop lifting. She kept getting distracted by counting calories on the boxes. Jackie told her to stop that- it was going to be thrown up later regardless.

Bump because this thread is awesome and deserves to be restored to its former glory by the DL’s greatest comedians and cunts alike. You’ve got it in you, or hope to have it in you once your Grindr Guy arrives. While you wait, help Jackie tell her story of surviving on assistance!!!

I caught her stealing books from the library, then reselling them to used book stores for a few dollars.

Before she sold them to the bookstores, she used to put fake inscriptions in them to bump up the money she’d get for a “first edition, inscribed” book. For example she wrote in the Legend of Sleepy Hollow “Dear Jackie, losing one’s head while riding around town can provide you with fabulous cocktail stories for years to come, as you well know. Hope you still enjoy a bareback ride by a headless Greek, Love Washington Irving.

[quote]Before she sold them to the bookstores, she used to put fake inscriptions in them to bump up the money she’d get for a “first edition, inscribed” book.

Jackie made so much money from this scam she practically turned it into a cottage industry for a while - her dining room table would be covered with 'borrowed' books - into Jackie, her staff, and her family were furiously scribbling fake inscriptions from the authors.

But as always, Jackie carried this scam too far when a copy of Proust's "In Search of Lost Time" was offered for auction, bearing this inscription:

"My dearest Jackie, my condolences on the loss of your husband Jack in Dallas. But I must tell you that even under these circumstances you looked as fit and fashionable as ever, crawling out onto the rear of the Presidential limousine in your pink 'Chanel-inpsired' (winky, winky) suit. With much love, Marcel Proust

P.S. A little club soda should take those stains right out of your darling suit, which I hope you'll wear to visit me here in Paris - many beau homme just waiting to meet you - and you can't wear those dreary widow's weeds forever!"

285- Marry me. That was awesome!

Recently released FBI files contain this photo and details of an embarrassing arrest caused by Jackie’s constant shoplifting. In the photo, Jackie is seen escorting young JFK jr out of a NYC bodega after police called her to report that John had been seen trying to steal taco shells, tequila, and various party treats. When caught, John refused to answer questions. Instead, he would tell them he was Peter Lawford’s son and that times were hard. Knowing better, they contacted Jackie who somehow quickly appeared on the scene and picked John up while embarrassingly apologized to the owner. When they got home, John-John opened his nap sack to reveal his stolen treasures as Jackie hung up the piñata; chilled the tequila, and put out trays of Mexican appetizers that she had swiped while the cops were questioning John. No better way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo than with authentic food and drink!!!!

She would show up at the hospital constantly, usually late at night. Stating that she was visiting her husband, who was there recovering from a nasty gunshot wound. She would then sneak into the kitchen to steal sandwiches and bottles of ginger ale to use as mixers. And then raid the supply closet to steal scrubs so that she could have a nice pair of pajamas.

Jackie on Ass Insistence? Didn’t know she was a bossy bottom.

Jackie on assistance, with $26 million dollars in the bank?

Ok.

In a startling anticipation of current events, Jackie would autograph a banana for 50 cents. I'm telling you, she signed a lot of bananas when rent was due.

Next month marks the 50th anniversary of Jackie’s need for cash causing an international black eye on America. Jackie had a habit of pretending to be blind and walking up to strangers coming out of Bergdorf’s or Neiman’s asking them to help her call a cab. While most were either stunned or sadden by the wacky widow, all would help her. She would always grab onto them, managing to pickpocket a few bills, a watch, and lose change before they even realized what had happened. While traveling overseas to Morocco as an ambassador, Jackie pulled her routine on Queen Hassan, who immediately felt Jackie’s hand going for her necklace and screamed in shock, only moments after this picture was taken.

Next October marks the 55th anniversary of Jackie’s need for cash causing an international black eye on America. Jackie had a habit of pretending to be blind and walking up to strangers coming out of Bergdorf’s or Neiman’s asking them to help her call a cab. While most were either stunned or sadden by the wacky widow, all would help her. She would always grab onto them, managing to pickpocket a few bills, a watch, and lose change before they even realized what had happened. While traveling overseas to Morocco as an ambassador, Jackie pulled her routine on Queen Hassan, who immediately felt Jackie’s hand going for her necklace and screamed in shock, only moments after this picture was taken.

Can’t wait to reunite with you, Lee ! So many pockets here to pick. Best part of all, no photogs to take pictures and most everyone else is too busy complaining about the heat to notice what the others are doing.

Jackie read on DL how Merle Oberon passed her mother off as her maid to give off the image that she was a rich socialite. Giving her an idea, she convinced her Latina neighbor in Spanish Harlem to pretend she was her maid. Her maid’s baby daddy was a super on Fifth Av, and let Jackie pass off apartments as her own when the owners were on vacation.

Bump

I like you R25

Well, I guess they'll be having lee's funeral today.

As Princess Lee’s mourning heirs begin to settle estate matters, they have been shocked to discover several issues that must be addressed. First, their plans for a Jackie-style auction have been shelved due to the fact that all of the good stuff has “Property of the White House” “Property of Howard Johnson’s Wisconsin” or “Property of Herb Ross” written on it. Second, items have been found that link the Princess to the D.B Cooper airplane jacking from the 70s, including several thousands of marked 100 bills, Third, nearly 300 people were found living in a tiny closet in a guest bedroom for which the Princess had been receiving disability benefits for as their “caregiver”. Most of them didn’t know she was even still alive until the heirs opened the closet door. Finally, the heirs are preparing to be hit by several lawsuits from a Ponzi scheme the Princess had going in Florida with a timeshare and several hundred retired Jewish couples. Rest In Peace, Princess.

They eat horses don't they?

I used to see Jackie at Sholl's Cafeteria, where she'd work occasional shifts for extra cash. She was usually behind the steam table, dishing up vegetables. She thought her hairnet and big corsage would fool people, but her huge sunglasses were a dead giveaway.

If you watch closely about 45 minutes into Slaves of New York, you can see Jackie pushing a grocery cart in the background. She wears a soiled pink pillbox hat. She got a day's pay as an extra, and insisted it be cash, so as not to have to claim it and interfere with her benefits.

In her later years Lee (also on assistance) was a NYC Uber driver. Cloaked in headscarf, sunglasses and trench coat she would scuttle the upper east side in a green 1992 model BMW numberplate PRINCESS drunk to the eyeballs and chain smoking. She would also AIR BNB her homes in NY and Paris when she wasn't using them. Last year I saw her dumpster diving at the back of a restaurant in Soho, she can't have been looking for food as she didn't eat. It was a sad site to see, her skeletal frame balancing on the seat of her mobility walker as she hoisted herself into the bin. The last endearing image I have of Lee is of her coiffed chignon, peppered with browning lettuce leaves and spindly tendrils of dental floss bobbing up and down amongst newspapers and disposable nappies in the top of the dumpster. May she rest in peace.

Last time I saw JoA, she was drinking a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew and and working her way methodically through a stack of scratchers. She’d yell FUCK every time she lost and chuck the ticket at that poor 7-11 clerk. She was wearing a tube top.

A still from her first live cam show. A gal's gotta eat.

I saw Jackie giving tours of Grand Central Station, reminding people she “saved” it from demolition, then passed the hat around for tips after the tour was over.

When her husband was shot JOA saw a money opportunity in that she jumped on the back of the presidential limousine and grabbed a piece of her husbands skull which she later sold on the black market. While in the recovery room at the hospital JOA sent her secret service personnel to Dealey Plaza to obtain any remains of her husbands head that may have splattered on the road. These specimens, preserved in formaldehyde, often come up for sale at Sotheby's and Christie's, provenance unknown.

Did anyone else ever encounter Jackie when she was handing out fliers for monster truck rallies? I guess it was an easy buck. She’d shove the paper into your abdomen and bark TAKE IT. She usually had a ring of crusted red sauce around her mouth and a few Spaghetti-Os nestled atop her clavicles. Eventually the red sauce gave way to what I’m assuming were Kool Aid stains. She favored grape IIRC.

Does anyone remember when Jackie worked as the jizz mopper at the Gaiety? This was in the late ‘70s. I remember literally gasping when I turned a corner and there she was, bucket in hand, a stray tendril of hair drooping across her forehead, and someone’s cumrag slung over her shoulder. She gave me sheepish smile, and we struck up a conversation. She was very genuine. What I remember most is her saying that she loved mopping jizz “because I finally found something I’m good at.” It was moving.

Recently released FBI files suggest JOA caused Mary Jo Kope’s death, not Ted Kennedy. It seems as if JOA was in desperate need to raise quick cash to buy genital wart cream to treat the last gift JFK ever gave her. As such, Jackie began servicing cars in Hyannis Port using stolen goods and equipment. The morning of Kope’s death, Jackie was seen stealing oil and brake fluid from Teddy’s car for her Jackie On Autos and Lube Service. JOA shut down her business very quickly after Kope’s death, only telling her clients it was time to retire because she had made a killing.

In Dixie Carter’s unpublished biography, she tells a story of JOA visiting the set of Designing Women in the late 80s. Saying she was a big fan of the show, JOA paid a private visit to the set to help Delta Burke with her overeating, by stealing all of the food from craft services and putting it in her shoulder padded dress. JOA then faked a fainting spell on set so as to swipe fabrics and Wedgewood China from the set while they were getting her a glass of water. JOA was introduced to the cast whereupon meeting Meshac Taylor, she yelled “Black Man, Black Man, Where Did You Come From? I need help carrying my coat and these boxes to the car”. As JOA’s limo drove her out of the studio gates, Dixie recalled saying “Tonight is the night the lights went out in Burbank because JOA stole our light bulbs”.

Fuck you, R305.

Jackie's early morning jogs around Central Park weren't for fitness, she'd jog from bin to bin looking for food which she'd take home for Caroline and John's breakfast. At night JOA would seek out gay men in the Rambles. Once they were engaged in the throes or erotic passion she would pickpocket from their abandoned trousers, or even ones that were still being worn. I lost three wallets this way.

Every time we'd have Jackie to stay, when she left, things would go missing. I never said anything for I knew how hard up she was and I always bought the items back discreetly and replaced them.

Liza told me that Judy told Jackie her trick of leaving hotels without paying the bill. Jackie and the kids would dress in oversized trench coats under which was worn every piece of clothing they'd brought with them, they'd throw their empty suitcases out the window and waltz through the hotel lobby as if they were merely going to lunch. It worked a treat.

The bitch mugged me once in Central park, wearing her sunglasses and headscarf, running off towards her apartment building cackling like a mad woman.

Big and Little Eadie Beale taught Jackie everything she knew about surviving on assistance. Jackie often took cats from Grey Gardens to make Chinese cuisine at 1040 that she'd serve to Bunny Melon and Peter Beard.

Was a bathroom attendant at the Metropolitan Opera House in the late 80s. Jackie would wait for the VIPs to come pee in a stall and reach her bony hand underneath to jack them off for 50 bucks each. She was amazing to watch, doing the splits to get get two guys off at once. She could even use her feet and make 200 bucks in five minutes without ever getting a drop on her Valentino gown. Once, she even brought her assistant in with her to dictate letters while Jackie did her own form of dictation. One guy paid her 500 dollars to scream “They’ve shot Jack’s load all over my face” as he came. She handled it like a pro and even tipped me 50 bucks for handing her a towel.

Remember when she saved Grand Central? It was only because that's where she slept at night.

R318 Jackie used to let the water run whenever she went to the bathroom. Much to Rose Kennedys amusement.

When Jackie was editing Moonwalk with Michael Jackson she visited Neverland. While she was there she spoke to some little boys who complained about having sore bottoms and wee wees. Jackie, in her breathy whisper, told them to grin and bare it and to think of the money like she did with Onassis.

Bump

I once admired what I assumed were a lovely pair of red ankle Soxs adoring Jackie's feet. Turns out they were not red soxs at all .....but flea bites !

This thread is only funny those who actually remember Jackie, having been dead 25 years, you queens must be really old.

we should start a thread on Lee on assistance

Jackie was living with the Beales at Grey Gardens before they cleaned it up. It was she who ate the cat food and threw the tins around the house. When the Mayles' brothers came knocking to make their documentary Jackie would hide amongst the hedgerows and all references to her living there were cut out of the movie.

I remember Jackie and Lee sitting on the stoop of Lee's building one afternoon - drinking Malt Liquors and bumming ciggys - they were cackling about the money-grubbing Eye-talian whore from Jersey that Anthony R. had recently started dating

Lee went on about all the Wedding Gifts they could boost, reminding Jackie of how often they had waltzed out of Bloomingdales with small appliances between their legs - they both had enormous thigh gaps!

But Jackie one-upped Lee and said maybe they persuade this social-climbing Italian bimbo that it was actually chic to appear on a Reality TV series!

The sisters laughed themselves silly over that one. Then Lee on Assistance got a gleam in her eye and said, "Jacks, I think we might actually be able to pull this off."

Since the origin thread has been bumped

what?

Bump

R10 I didn't know the origin until now... thanks.