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Have you ever made your monogamous relationship into an open one?

How long into the relationship did it happen?

How did you or your partner broach the subject

What rules, if any, did you create?

How'd it work out?

by Anonymousreply 108October 25, 2021 7:36 PM

Don't Ask Don't Tell.

by Anonymousreply 1August 18, 2015 4:36 AM

How long into the relationship did it happen?

3 years

How did you or your partner broach the subject

just talked about it.

What rules, if any, did you create?

safer sex

How'd it work out?

great for a few years. then ok for a few years then not very satisfying. then disastrous after year 8 or 9

I had a regular rotation of fuckbuddies. Probably too many. He kept having lover type relations outside our relationship. Too serious.

Every couple is different. I've seen all sorts of things work, or not work, as for monogamy or open relationships.

by Anonymousreply 2August 18, 2015 4:42 AM

7 years in. Didn't set up rules. 3 years later he found a really young guy, left me and then 1year into that he was dumped. All in all, if you're going to open your relationship up, set just a few, not a lot, of ground rules. Make sure you talk openly and be brutally honest with each other. Good luck op.

by Anonymousreply 3August 18, 2015 4:48 AM

Yes, pretty early on, and it works just fine !


by Anonymousreply 4August 18, 2015 4:51 AM

We've been together for 7 years. Although the sex was great (still is) we both were secretly ready for an adventure, as we refer to it. Nothing to often, maybe once per quarter. He likes hung black guys or daddies, I lean more to barely legal twinks. Happily, we are able to find more than enough willing participants, every new adventure has something thae last one didn't. Over Christmas, we decided on all three at once. The fun didn't stop until around New Year's. Sublime.

by Anonymousreply 5August 18, 2015 5:38 AM

No, I have something called self-respect.

by Anonymousreply 6August 18, 2015 6:24 AM

Have been together for 10 years and started yearning for something to spark up our sex lives. At first we invited thirds into our beds but my partner would get jealous and selfish with the guys. It was no fun for me.

Then we agreed to have sex with others if we're individually out on business trips. This works way better. The problem is the sex between us has reduced as we keep hoping for the next sexual adventure with another guy.

It's best to agree at the beginning of a relationship rather than in the middle. I know at least three couples who have been open from the beginning. That are going strong years later

by Anonymousreply 7August 18, 2015 6:18 PM

Every year around October I get an itch. I have sex with a guy outside the relationship and i'm good for the year. Partner would never agree to an open relationship

by Anonymousreply 8August 18, 2015 6:19 PM

I've been begging my partner for 5 years (lesbian). She doesn't want to. By now I figure it's too late, I've lost interest. I just don't know how to get out of it.

It's too bad, we work perfectly in our day-to-day relationship. It's just not a romantic relationship anymore.

Thanks for the posts everyone. Makes me realise it might not have worked anyhow.

by Anonymousreply 9August 18, 2015 7:46 PM

"No, I have something called self respect" --- BULLSHIT

Odds are you are ugly as fuck and have a hard time getting laid even in the best of circumstances. Jealous much?

by Anonymousreply 10August 19, 2015 4:52 AM

Ive been with man for almost 9 years and while we love each other he clearly has lost interest in me in that category. I'm open an open relationship but I really really dont want that as an option.

by Anonymousreply 11August 19, 2015 5:39 AM

R10 - You're an asshole. Although I also take objection to the comment "No, I have something called self-respect."

Equating self respect with monogamy is a mistake. It suggests monogamy is better than an open relationship. And anytime you suggest or perpetuate that myth that one is better than the other, you do yourself a disservice and you risk partnering with someone else who shares your perspective. Why is this a problem?

Some people are happy in monogamous relationships. Others can not be happy in monogamous relationships. Your values ("monogamy is better!") are not part of that equation. If you are happier in a monogamous relationship, you should seek one out. Seek out others who also prefer monogamous relationships. But don't do it because it's "better", do it because it is right for you, what you are comfortable with, and what will make you happy. Make sure your partner is doing it for the same reasons.

by Anonymousreply 12August 19, 2015 6:17 AM

[quote]I'm open an open relationship but I really really dont want that as an option.


by Anonymousreply 13August 19, 2015 6:31 AM

I'm sorry OP/r9. Lesbian Bed Death is a real phenomenon, and I don't know how one would deal with it. On the one hand, if your long term partner has zero interest in sex, it's selfish of her to deny you the right to go get some with someone else. On the other hand, I guess it would have been best to lay the ground rules for an open relationship at the beginning and it's not necessarily fair of you to go have sex against your partners' wishes.

Maybe you could get her some of the lady viagra that is now available (as of today).

Or try couples counseling. Sounds like your five years of begging has put you in a position of relative powerlessness: perhaps a third party mediator could help lobby for your interests.

by Anonymousreply 14August 19, 2015 6:40 AM

LOL @ all the Rational Rachels claiming that relationships should be open from day one. No one wants to talk about that shit when they're in the early days of romance, passion and hot sex. What a boner killer. Wait until things settle down to a dull routine.

by Anonymousreply 15August 19, 2015 7:49 AM

R15 The problem with your approach is that for those of us who want long term relationships (mongoamous, totally open, or somewhere in between with clearly negotiated boundaries) is that its important to be up front about what works for you, has or hasn't worked for you in the past, etc. The older you are, the more you know yourself, your behavior, and what you need. You'd be shocked how many "monogamous" couples think of themselves that way but have an occasional threeway. GReat for them, but that's not monogamy!

If you need to suck one or two new dicks per year to stay sane, its important to make that clear to Mr. Monogamous "I have self respect" very early on so that you don't waste time moving towards a sexually incompatible relationship. You're free to have fun with each other, the sex might be great, but it's not a long term match. And its better to know that before deep feelings generate for each other, which can move people into unsustainable and unhappy relationships. Sometimes a monogamy guy has his own outside thing he'd like to do or has a fantasy that can much more come to fruition now that he's got a partner ready to help.

I do not care if my boyfriend gets a handjob from the japanese lady at his massage parlor. I would care if my boyfriend was going on a "date" for the second time this month with some young guy he's been banging. In fact, I'd rather just stick to threesomes where all can observe....or duos where the other partner can watch but not participate.

There's a lot of education that goes along with entering into the waters of non-monogamy and a lot of it is very healthy to explore whether you ever get freaky or not. They communicate about sex, needs, desires, and a wide spectrum of feelings including jealousy, pain, happiness, and fulfillment. They even have tools to connect primary partners inside of the sexual experience so nobody feels left out.

by Anonymousreply 16August 19, 2015 8:10 AM

Six years into the relationship. A young stud who was a very close friend (still is a close friend) It started as a flirtmance and little by little we got more intimate until one night we all got into bed. The sex lasted for a few years and then he found himself a girlfriend and moved to San Diego. Obviously we no longer have sex, but he still visits whenever he's in town .

Still, when he visits by himself he kisses my partner and I in the mouth when he leaves.

by Anonymousreply 17August 19, 2015 8:29 AM

I want ALL the security of a long term committed relationship AND the freedom to behave like a single guy. I like my partner, and enjoy having companionship and a possible carer if I get sick and someone to spend holidays with and to buy me stuff on my birthday, but I'm bored of him so I need new guys to fuck. If those sideline guys want more than fucking on my terms, then they can fuck off. If my partner complains that I fuck other guys, I'll start lying to him to keep him sweet. It's all about me, you see!

by Anonymousreply 18August 19, 2015 8:30 AM

[quote] Lesbian Bed Death is a real phenomenon

It's as real as STRAIGHT BED DEATH and FAG BED DEATH, you insufferable lesbo hating piece of shit, except people deny those exist too.

by Anonymousreply 19August 19, 2015 10:22 AM

This is not a gay problem. The only thing is there are a few decades of gay couples being more open to infidelity than straight couples, especially in the USA. I mean that open has been part of gay culture.

But men are pigs, horny dogs, and the scandal these days over the website for straights who want to cheat proves the point.

My shrink told me that bed death is difficult to turn around. Better that a couple never reaches that point.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 20August 19, 2015 10:31 AM

"Breeders do it too" is not a defense. If anything, it's even more wrong when they do it because heterosexuality is wrong to begin with.

by Anonymousreply 21August 19, 2015 11:01 AM

[quote]heterosexuality is wrong to begin with.

Especially so in your parents case, R21.

by Anonymousreply 22August 19, 2015 1:29 PM

Open relationships are a way of saying one partner is inadequate to fill the other's sexual needs.

by Anonymousreply 23August 19, 2015 1:34 PM

The hetero open relationships I know about (and there are lots -- I'm marginally in the science fiction fandom and nerds love their polyamory) are all toxic as shit. The guys are either actually gay but trying to hide it by being fake bisexuals, or they're serial cheaters who have talked women with low self esteem into marrying them and letting them fuck on the site.

One well-known husband-wife duo who are bloggers and editors sucker younger women in to fuck the husband and run errands for the wife, pretending as though the relationship is a normal open one, when in fact the younger woman is just being used.

I haven't seen this kind of shit in gay open relationships, for whatever reason.

by Anonymousreply 24August 19, 2015 2:52 PM

*fuck on the side, not site

by Anonymousreply 25August 19, 2015 2:52 PM

R16 nails it. Every couple is different, but--lets be honest--few men are able to pull off complete monogamy. Here are my agreed to boundaries with my partner (Yes, I a, stating my boundaries!):

1) The other is to always be aware of what is going to happen. Either before or immediately after. No sneaking around. 2) Be safe and wear protection. If you bring home an STD, we have a problem. 3) Do not use our home. Go to them or get a hotel room. Our home is for us only. 4) No spending the night. Get off with them, and then come home.

Seems to work for us.

by Anonymousreply 26August 19, 2015 2:59 PM

R23 Usually it's just boredom with the same thing over and over.

by Anonymousreply 27August 19, 2015 3:17 PM

Sorry, but the whole open relationship is bullshit. I've been with my husband for 15 years. Is the sex as great as it was year one. No. However if you leave that part of yourselves for only each other, it makes your relationship stronger. There is something missing in your relationship and you need to concentrate on fixing that instead of looking for dick outside. It sucks, but it's the truth.

by Anonymousreply 28August 19, 2015 3:34 PM

Sex isn't a "compulsion" or "need" that needs slaking and that's it. It means giving and sharing of yourself with others, and to limit that to one person is egomaniacal. More sex, less bullshit, people!

by Anonymousreply 29August 19, 2015 3:37 PM

A couple who are friends would have thirds all the time. Unfortunately, they both fell in love with the same third guy. The flirted with having a trouple, but the third would have none of it. The whole thing ended terribly.

A nice thing about being monogamous is that you're not out searching for sex anymore--something that takes so much time and energy.

by Anonymousreply 30August 19, 2015 3:40 PM

About 3 years in. Ground rules include safe sex and only NSA type arrangements with guys outside our social circle. We are honest and open with one another, and trust each other to be smart and safe. We're on year 15 and still going strong. We don't have sex with each other as often as we used to, but that seems pretty typical of couples our age and at our relationship stage. We still love each other very much and express love and affection daily. It's a good arrangement.

by Anonymousreply 31August 19, 2015 3:56 PM

I just don't want to invite other people's crap into my home. I RARELY see it work successfully in the long-term. It's usually not the sex, it's the crazy that comes with it and the crap that exists in environments in which you have to find it. Polyamory holds up in a vacuum, but doesn't hold up too well when you add people's baggage. People who can weather that shit have my full respect, but I find porn more satisfying and less risky. I'd leave room for the odd slip-up and encourage porn, personally, but I think monogamy as a base is the most powerful route to an overall life that works.

by Anonymousreply 32August 19, 2015 5:25 PM

After sixteen years we opened ithings up

We opened it WAY UP

by Anonymousreply 33August 19, 2015 5:32 PM

12 years for me and I don't think I could ever manage an open relationsip. It would have to be on the sly and then I would feel too guilty. I just jerk off, it works for me. When I meet other couples in OR they don't seem happy and also seem kind of skeevey.

by Anonymousreply 34August 19, 2015 5:43 PM

No offense to some of you, but that you think you're in a monogamous relationship doesn't mean you're in a monogamous relationship. Rule number one: never answer for the other partner. Especially straight couples that always have high divorce rates because of cheating.

by Anonymousreply 35August 20, 2015 1:21 AM

Not judging but I can't see the point of a open relationship. If someone want to fuck around there's no reason to be partnered at the first time. Better to keep single and fuck whoever you want. Simple as that. Also, maybe I'm simple minded or too romantic but to me when you love someone you can't stand the thought of your SO fucking with someone else. It's easy to say "oh it's just sex" but if you allow any other guy to see you naked or touching you (an intimate aspect) what makes you relationship so special?

by Anonymousreply 36August 20, 2015 5:23 PM

R36, what makes our relationship special is not the sex. It's the level of trust on a number of subjects, and that we have built our lives together and continue to do so.

No two relationships are the same.

by Anonymousreply 37August 20, 2015 7:10 PM

Above someone wrote "Open relationships are a way of saying one partner is inadequate to fill the other's sexual needs."

That one word "inadequate" says so much about the VALUE placed on monogamy by some. I'd bet whoever wrote it thinks "monogamous relationships are better" which is a problem because you can believe that and still not be wired to be happy in a longterm monogamous relationship. Straight people are figuring this out, especially younger ones.

Also, someone here used the term "infidelity" to describe sex outside the couple in an open relationship. That is not infidelity. With all of this stuff, words become really important. Anyone considering any level of an open relationship is going to have to use a lot of words and a lot of communication to make it work.

The idea that two people in love can or should fulfill 100% of each others sexual needs for decades until one dies is an idea that is less than a century old (before then, only women were expected to be monogamous, men could do what they wanted). It works for some! It doesn't work for others. It should not be the default mode for relationships.

by Anonymousreply 38August 20, 2015 8:12 PM

I was such a hopeless romantic as a young guy, the amount of heartache I suffered over thinking I would never have a partner was ridiculous. I've come to the conclusion that monogamy isn't sustainable in the long run, especially in gay male relationships.

I have really conflicting feelings about this. I no longer care if I'm in a romantic relationship as I really don't put any value on them any more. I mean I could still love a guy but I no longer have the ability to fall in love, if you know what I mean. Somehow, in my youth, 'in love', 'monogamy', 'marriage' and all they entail got tangled together. So when I stopped believing in monogamy the other concepts lost their appeal, as well as their hold over me. In a way this is awesome because I don't really care about romantic relationships any more, so no heartache. On the other hand, I miss that heartache, I miss caring, I miss believing in the whole mess. Sorry to ramble, that just kind of came out all of a sudden. I know, I know, get a blog!

by Anonymousreply 39August 20, 2015 9:58 PM

We don't have an open relationship in the sense that it's anything goes. Rather, we are honest about the fact that we want to fuck other men once in a while, generally together. The only time we have sex independently is when we go to the baths, then it's a regular fuckfest. I think the last time we were there, I got fucked by around 15 guys, however this we do only a few times a year.

by Anonymousreply 40August 21, 2015 3:44 AM

Interesting question. ours has been monogamous so far 5 years together just two over 2 years of marriage. But we discussed this early on and came to the conclusion that handled properly it just wasn't a realistic expectation over the course if we stay together for the remaining lifetime of one of us that neither of us would never have sex with another person. We've decided it's not a relationship killer if handled openly and honestly (even if it's somewhat comfortable) and established rules of what's acceptable. Safer sex is a given, it has to be a one time thing with a another guy, not in our home, we tell either other if and when it does happen without too many details etc. I expect it will happen at some point, but oddly by defining it that it's not a relationship killer, that seems to have damped the appeal of it. I can speak for myself that it's going to have to be a really hot guy to come along to really tempt me at this point and i haven't gone looking for it. But nice to know i can jump on that should the opportunity present himself in the right situation. Really our only point of disagreement on it is the idea of 3 ways. He's open to that me not such so far..but who knows i never say never. They can just be way way complicated.

by Anonymousreply 41August 21, 2015 4:11 AM

That's pretty cool R41. Sounds like you have a really good, honest relationship.

by Anonymousreply 42August 21, 2015 12:35 PM

[quote]The idea that two people in love can or should fulfill 100% of each others sexual needs for decades until one dies is an idea that is less than a century old.

Uh...no. But nice try.

by Anonymousreply 43August 21, 2015 12:59 PM

[quote]Open relationships are a way of saying one partner is inadequate to fill the other's sexual needs.

That's like saying you should never need friends or a doctor or a therapist because your spouse should be able to fulfill your every need in every aspect of life. Just stupid. You can have a strong commitment and love for one person as a primary relationship and still have other relationships too. In fact, I believe it's necessary to have a lot of different relationships and experiences to be a healthy person.

by Anonymousreply 44August 21, 2015 1:04 PM

R35 nails it too. I'd kill to know what the partners of some of these sanctimonious "100% monogamy is the only way" folks get up to behind their backs.

Having sex with someone else isn't cheating. Lying and sneaking around is cheating. And I guarantee that sneaking around goes on a LOT in these supposed "completely monogamous" relationships.

Most men are incapable of monogamy. The only choice then becomes whether you want to be honest and open about it...or if you just don't want to know. Looks from this thread that most people just want the illusion.

by Anonymousreply 45August 21, 2015 1:26 PM

Nope- and I never will. Monogamy is a goal- but not necessarily an absolute. Open relationships have not ever in my opinion panned out to happy long term partnerships. But live and let live- not the end of the world if it does not work out.

by Anonymousreply 46August 21, 2015 1:31 PM

Well said R46.

by Anonymousreply 47August 21, 2015 4:43 PM

Monogamy is a nice ideal but rarely the reality over the course of of 20-50 year relationship. Relationships that last that long that claim to have been monogamous by both partners by such a long span are more often than not an illusion of monogamy. More often than not someone simply doesn't know the other hasn't been monogamous in traditionally defined relationships. You only hear about it with folks who get "caught" and many never do. So you really have a choice to be realistic about what's likely to happen at some point if you want a relationship to last that long or you can pretend like it's never going to happen and if it does you have to break up.

by Anonymousreply 48August 21, 2015 5:38 PM

R38 is DEAD WRONG about the history of monogamy.

Christians and Muslims have been imposing monogamy on society for two thousand years.

In the Bible, Mark 10:9 famously commands on behalf of Jesus's then-new doctrine: [quote] What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.

Since 391 A.D., when Christian law became Roman law, Europeans and Middle Easterners have been punishing non-monogamy as adultery and fornication with imprisonment, torture, fines and even execution.

So don't act like it's new. For over 1,600 years, people who fucked around outside marriage have been seen as cheaters, criminals and sinners hated by society.

Here are 32 scriptures in the Christian a Bible forbidding "polyamory."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 49August 21, 2015 5:38 PM

R49 what religion may say on the topic and the reality of how folks actually live are separate topics. In practice in most western cultures men really were not expected to be monogamous really until the last 100 years or so. Women were expected to be monogamous for paternity reasons etc. Christianity actually perpetrated the double standard. The same is also true in many eastern cultures. Even in the middle east multiple wives is common which by definition means the man isn't being monogamous. It's an ideal that in practice really hasn't been the reality.

by Anonymousreply 50August 21, 2015 5:48 PM

[quote] I was such a hopeless romantic as a young guy, the amount of heartache I suffered over thinking I would never have a partner was ridiculous. I've come to the conclusion that monogamy isn't sustainable in the long run, especially in gay male relationships. On the other hand, I miss that heartache, I miss caring, I miss believing in the whole mess.

It is possible, R39. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either. It makes me sad that you have given up on your dreams of finding a trustworthy boyfriend who will only want to have sex with you. We are out there, but we're not the ones trolling the bars and clubs for one-night stands. Don't compromise your sexual values just to get a man. If you're not comfortable with the idea of an open relationship and would rather have monogamy, say so. Don't let others buffalo you into settling for something you don't want, which would only deprive you of the thing you do want. Just keep your standards high and keep looking. It is not ridiculous to feel heartache after being betrayed or let down, and if you have those feelings of being a "hopeless romantic," acknowledge them. Embrace them. Don't treat them as something to be ashamed of or afraid of. I would rather cry over not having a boyfriend than cry over being diagnosed with an incurable STD. But after the crying is over, you'll feel better, and the more time you spend working on yourself, the more attractive you will be to other people. Just keep in mind that the sexual desire that grows from love is the strongest.

by Anonymousreply 51August 21, 2015 6:22 PM

Threads like this make me want to stay home and watch porn.

by Anonymousreply 52August 30, 2015 11:33 AM

Ive been in a (as far as i know) monogamous relationship for 9 years. The sex is definitely stale and i do feel attracted to other guys but I also know where my insecurities lay and I know I wouldn't feel good after so its not for me. Its not for my partner either. Having said that I dont think open relationships are bad as long as both partners are on the same page with each other and their tricks and play safe.

by Anonymousreply 53September 7, 2015 4:36 PM

Yeah, it's called a messy break-up, when you both know it will no longer work as a relationship but the strong attraction is there, so you end-up sleeping together, promising it won't happen again, it happens again, this is the last time!, it's not the last time, etc...

by Anonymousreply 54September 7, 2015 4:54 PM

Someone in another thread said that in the open relationships he's aware of it's generally one partner who wants to screw around and the other one who goes along with it to make the other one happy.

by Anonymousreply 55September 7, 2015 5:13 PM

I'm in an almost 20 year relationship that started out monogamous. I'm almost 40 and he's just over 60. He has low-testosterone that cannot be supplemented because of a slowly progressing prostate cancer. I was happy to accept a sexless marriage but he wanted me to be not only emotionally happy, but sexually fulfilled. I have a regular FWB who is not interested in a gay relationship (he's bi, don't even get started on that) and it works great. He spent the night last night with me in our guest room and this morning we three had breakfast together at our kitchen table. I never would have thought it would work, but three years in I'm just as happy and fulfilled as ever, though time will tell. I think the moral of all if this is life is messy and you should do what works for you. If you do it an it doesn't work, less ones learned. Hard and fast rules are comfortable but don't take ino account that all are complicated people.

by Anonymousreply 56September 7, 2015 5:36 PM

If there's one thing this thread teaches it's that people are capable of coming up with all sorts of different rules for happiness. That's cool but it doesn't make one method superior or sure fire over another. I never understand the need to denigrate other people's choices for making the most out of their lives. To me that suggests some kind of insecurity on some level.

by Anonymousreply 57September 7, 2015 6:46 PM

My 8 month BF told me he has the best time with me but is also very interested in continuing to meet new people, who might become partners or just friends. At first I was put off, tried not to take it personally, and then realized that this is a positive thing. 1) he is being honest. 2) I am not limited to him and can keep my options open. 3) I am too busy/tired to see other people so I have become apathetic in that I no longer feel as if I'm auditioning for a special role to become "the one". 4) I live in the moment without seeing anyone as an investment. 5) I am still damn hot and funny as hell, and being single/unattached is no big deal any longer. I have met people who wanted to lock in a serious exclusive relationship right away, and that was too much for me. Everyone is different, everyone is different in different relationships, everyone goes through different phases in his life, viva la difference.

by Anonymousreply 58September 8, 2015 7:54 PM

open up your heart!

by Anonymousreply 59September 8, 2015 7:56 PM

R59 Like that's the opening they're most concerned with? If he says he wants an open relationship, it means he wants to have sex with lots of different people.

by Anonymousreply 60September 8, 2015 8:11 PM

This is what used to be called "having one's cake and eat it too." And you wonder why a third of the country is now obese!

by Anonymousreply 61September 8, 2015 8:16 PM

R58, great outlook. I hope it works out for you.

by Anonymousreply 62September 8, 2015 8:25 PM


by Anonymousreply 63April 3, 2021 6:48 AM

R57 Because all these sluts who are already in relationships are in the same dating pool as genuinely single people. It's selfish and ruins the dating pool for people who genuinely need it just so some bottom can get plowed by 5 different guys in addition to his husbear.

by Anonymousreply 64October 21, 2021 7:22 PM

R43, don't bring religion into it. Have you read the shit in the bible?

by Anonymousreply 65October 21, 2021 7:43 PM

Yes, OP, in a very long relationship we've been monogamous until we haven't been and then in an open one until we aren't.

And so on. Works fine!

by Anonymousreply 66October 21, 2021 7:45 PM

Dejure is really trying to get this 2015 thread going by quoting old posts as if it's a current thread.

by Anonymousreply 67October 21, 2021 7:57 PM

i know, but it still works. it would be fun to get updates from all the posters from 2015.

My husband and I got together at 35 so we decided on monogimish. Everything is fine until some 19yo twink comes along! But, that's life too. We're still together but it's not the same, it's better/worse.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 68October 21, 2021 8:04 PM

R67 Sorry, Karen.

by Anonymousreply 69October 21, 2021 8:06 PM

An open relationship is determined by an insanely strict agreement. In the case of two super sluts it could be any guy, any time but it's also an open relationship if you have an agreement where one of you can give a handjob to a clown once every 10 years, with the other partner present. people dont learn how to discuss or negotiate this stuff so most of the people in open relationships are the super sluts. More relationships would probably survive if people were better versed in these conversations and in touch with what they really want and what their partner needs in order to be fulfilled.

by Anonymousreply 70October 21, 2021 8:19 PM

It will never be as easy for straight and lesbians couples because most women don’t want polyamory.

Most guys do.

by Anonymousreply 71October 21, 2021 8:36 PM

I.e. promiscuity outside the marriage. Not polyamory.

by Anonymousreply 72October 21, 2021 8:37 PM

Humans are not wired for monogamy. Early man picked a mate, set up house until offspring was a certain age and moved on to a younger female and started over. Funnily enough that age was usually roughly 7-10 years. Hence, the 7 year itch. Men still go for younger women while women still go for a good provider. It's thousands and thousands of years of biology.

In Third Rock from the Sun, Sally is attracted to a guy and says "the thickness of your neck and broad shoulders tells me you would be an agile hunter and provide well for our offspring". Primal biology.

by Anonymousreply 73October 21, 2021 8:48 PM

r9, I'm a lesbian who was in a relationship with a married woman. She was married to a man who knew she wanted to fuck me and he was such a pussy, he went along with her "poly" bullshit because he knew she would leave him if he didn't. It was great sex but then it got to be such a fucking chore as she was a sex addict (at least with me) and wanted it ALL the time. I'm a highly sexual person too but this crazy lady would come over, we would fuck for hours and then she would call me crying on her way home to him saying how she was upset we didn't have more sex. Lady, this bitch needs to eat something other than pussy during the day. Of course it was just supposed to be sex but it evolved into feelings and things got very messy. She almost left her husband for me, which is what I wanted but I'm so glad she didn't. I broke up with her and she went batshit on me.

Open relationships work for some folks. For me, not so much although I'm of the mind that if sex becomes non existent in a relationship I'm out. I have enough friends. I don't need a friend who I used to sleep with. I think if a partner wanted an open relationship with me, I would consider it but there is also that part of me that would be jealous. I've evolved in my thinking though and I am aware that sex often burns out...however I'm of the mindset that it's both partners responsibility to keep things fresh and to really make an effort to keep the sex life going. If that doesn't happen, it's time to end things. Believe me, I wasted too much time in long term relationships with women I loved but who stopped making the effort. Life is short.

by Anonymousreply 74October 21, 2021 9:00 PM

R74 I think I know that couple. Where did it happen?

Seriously, I worked with a guy who was married and he would tell us about his wife being "bi" but seeming to like the pussy better than dick. They tried to be a threesome but the lesbian lover wasn't interested in him (obviously) and he felt left out.

by Anonymousreply 75October 21, 2021 9:13 PM

R75, we never tried a threesome (nor would I because I'm not into men) but I do know that right after we broke up she got another lesbian to "marry" her in Vegas. Obviously not a real marriage because you know, "gay marriage is just pretend!" to these folks.

I'm in Southern CA. The woman was a special needs teacher and he was a counselor at the school. But I can tell you she was far more into pussy than his dick.

by Anonymousreply 76October 21, 2021 9:18 PM

[quote]Humans are not wired for monogamy.

This is incorrect and people constantly repeat this.

Humans are classified as "socially monogamous."

We are wired to pair with someone. We are not wired to only think about, only sleep with and only stay with one person.

Essentially, we can be if we want. We can also not be. We can be somewhere in between. We alter how we approach monogamy depending on life's circumstances.

The truth is humans are all very different and the reason why we've survived this long is BECAUSE we're generally more flexible than the rest of the animal kingdom. We are not "one size fits all." We also recognize, there are times, we need to be with and stay with one person depending on what's happening around us. We also recognize there are times when we don't have to. We can be okay with both situations.

It's no different than seeing a guy you don't necessarily want to fuck in your office everyday for a few months but then you think you might want to in the winter when you might have less options because you don't want to drive an hour into town to go to a bar or back home and you're not a fan of the apps.

People really hate hearing that because it means it's not in your genes to fuck anyone you want and to be single forever spreading your "seed" across the land. You're making a choice to because what makes humans social is that you can.

Open relationships are FINE but they are NOT for everyone and it's okay if people aren't cool with them.

by Anonymousreply 77October 21, 2021 9:49 PM

R77, I'm not arguing with you but the fact remains we are not wired to only have one sexual partner our whole life. That's why I mentioned the 7 year itch. People tend to get sexually bored anywhere from 5-10 years into a relationship. I agree we can suppress that and I'm not excusing being a total slut. Monogamy requires a lot of effort.

by Anonymousreply 78October 21, 2021 9:57 PM

[quote]Monogamy requires a lot of effort.

It comes as naturally to some as promiscuity does to others. As R77, we're all different.

by Anonymousreply 79October 21, 2021 10:02 PM

Sorry, r79, not buying it. Sounds like something a frau says. Even animals who mate for life have been filmed sneaking out for strange.

by Anonymousreply 80October 21, 2021 10:07 PM

How about trying an open to monogamous relationship for once in your pathetic life!

by Anonymousreply 81October 21, 2021 10:24 PM

What are you babbling about R81? To whom are you addressing?

by Anonymousreply 82October 21, 2021 10:26 PM


by Anonymousreply 83October 21, 2021 11:21 PM

I've never had an open relationship.

by Anonymousreply 84October 21, 2021 11:24 PM

Two years into a relationship my partner suggested we open up to outside sexploits. I thought for a moment and said "OK, there are some guys I'm interested in anyway." He was horrified and snapped shut. "Never mind, let's not go there." The relationship didn't last much longer but I always knew it wouldn't last. He was fun but not long for the long haul.

by Anonymousreply 85October 21, 2021 11:32 PM

Funny R85. When a female friend's bf suggested a three way she enthusiastically said "oh, I've always thought your friend Josh was so sexy". That shut him down fast. Being straight, he of course, meant another woman.

by Anonymousreply 86October 21, 2021 11:38 PM

No. And those that do, find it so f*ing unbelievable and feel inferior to a standard that most people find respectable.

by Anonymousreply 87October 21, 2021 11:47 PM

Never! I wouldn't be able to deal with that. Call me less evolved, or whatever.

by Anonymousreply 88October 21, 2021 11:52 PM

What are you saying R87? You think people think you're superior because you're monogamous?

The problem I see is many times one is monogamous and thinks the other is but they aren't.

by Anonymousreply 89October 21, 2021 11:57 PM

[quote]Even animals who mate for life have been filmed sneaking out for strange.

Some humans have evolved further away from animals than others.

by Anonymousreply 90October 22, 2021 12:46 AM

[quote] we are not wired to only have one sexual partner our whole life.

R78, I think what's happening here is that when you're saying "wired" I'm thinking "required."

It's not like animals migrating at certain times of the year or burrowing underground even if they've never been taught to do it. That's "wired." Certain spiders who spin webs in certain ways. That's wired. Babies knowing how to breast feed if given enough time or swim. That's wired. Horses know what water they can drink safely and what water they shouldn't. No one teaches them that. That's wired.

We are not wired to only have sexual thoughts about one person. We don't HAVE to act on those thoughts.

The desire to do it is different than the pull to do it.

Monogamy has been pretty standard in human society for 1000 years. There's a lot of reasons for that (not all of them good) but the reason why it has been able to stay that way for this long is because humans are capable of it and some even embrace it. If we were truly wired to not be in any way monogamous then no amount of society forcing it upon us would have kept it going this long.

We are wired to pair. We can choose to stay in that pair or move on.

(And I'm not arguing either. I think we're dancing around the same pole here.)

Saying we're "wired," I don't think, is the right phrase. Saying we have the choice is a better way of covering the entire range of what we're capable of as humans.

[quote]Monogamy requires a lot of effort.

Like R79 said, which is also what I was saying, we're all different. Monogamy comes easy to some people. There are various reasons for that which may or may not have to do with how they were raised, their life experiences or outside influences like location or availability of partners. When I'm hungry I'm "wired" to eat. When I'm horny and I don't want to sleep with my partner, I'm not wired to go out and find some other ass. I can if I want, but I don't have to. As humans we have the choice.

If we were "wired" to never be in committed relationships then no power on earth would stop that from happening. They just wouldn't exist. There are people that just can't be in one or just sleep with one person and that's fine too.

We're all different and that's okay. I'm not sure why it's so hard for people to accept that we're all different AND that it's fine if someone else is different than you.

by Anonymousreply 91October 22, 2021 1:09 AM

I'd rather my partner cheat on me discretely than be in an open relationship. I'd be so insulted if I was asked to do it.

by Anonymousreply 92October 22, 2021 1:14 AM

r91, humans haven't been monogamous for 1000 years. It was common for men to have multiple wives or harems of women. Also was the norm for men to visit prostitutes even if they were "married." Marriage was for property or politics often and there was no expectation of love or fidelity (for the male). The women were often in their teens when married off and spent their lives essentially being slaves and baby making machines for the men they were married to.

The myth of monogamy on the surface seems romantic and lovely, but it's often an illusion. Whenever I see couples who have been together for years and who seem to practice monogamy, there is a tiny bit of envy, but then there is a lot more of feeling sorry for them for missing out on the things that make life worth living. I personally feel that if someone wants an open relationship, what they really want is to be single again and therefore they should just end the relationship. But if both partners are ok with it, then there isn't a problem as long as they are being safe and respectful. However, in my own observations this is rarely the case with "open" relationships. Usually it's one partner who wants to fuck around and the other partner agrees to it because they lack the balls to say no and to get out. The sad thing is, once someone voices that they want an open relationship, that is usually the end because that's not something you can just take back. The other person will forever know that they weren't wanted as a sexual partner anymore so trying to make it work after is usually very difficult.

by Anonymousreply 93October 22, 2021 1:36 AM

Is the 2015 BUMP TROLL active again? How did this 2015 thread reanimate? I thought they were all locked!

by Anonymousreply 94October 22, 2021 1:38 AM

R93, Incorrect. Not everyone was monogamous but it has been practiced for 1000 years. You had to of known what I was saying there. Don't be silly.

by Anonymousreply 95October 22, 2021 1:39 AM

If two people fall in love and are on similar sexual need trajectories and it remains so, then monogamy can work for them. But not every two people are.

I agree that frank discussions about needs and rules for external rules they can agree on are the way to go if they aren’t. If it’s a question of disparity in basic needs, the one making sacrifices has to decide for themselves if it’s worth it.

by Anonymousreply 96October 22, 2021 1:42 AM

No. Don't know how that could happen. If I don't have a monogamous partner then I don't see the point. There would be too much baggage.

by Anonymousreply 97October 22, 2021 1:54 AM

Too many gays in relationships are looking for one loophole instead of one poophole.

by Anonymousreply 98October 22, 2021 2:14 AM

[quote] Have you ever made your monogamous relationship into an open one?

Yes. I had always watched the porn double penetration scenes in awe and amazement, and wondered what it would be like. When the chance came along, I jumped on it. And my husband encouraged me to go for it. He found a third and the two of them completely annihilated my hole. It was amazing.

by Anonymousreply 99October 22, 2021 2:37 AM


by Anonymousreply 100October 22, 2021 2:38 AM

R100 You're the one hissing.

by Anonymousreply 101October 23, 2021 10:28 PM

Only with one bf. He was older than I was and his libido wasn't as high as mine. Or maybe he was just depressive. Anyway, he told me if I wasn't getting enough at home, I was free to get it outside the relationship. And I did. Of course, he got jealous. 20 years later I'm still friends with the fuckbuddies but not with him, go figure.

by Anonymousreply 102October 24, 2021 12:21 AM

R67 mind ya business

by Anonymousreply 103October 24, 2021 4:25 PM

The nice thing about being in a monogamous relationship is you don’t spend so much time looking for sex partners.

Twice I had relationships that became open after about a year. I was younger and likely sex with different guys. But it’s such a time suck—so much energy goes into finding sex and 9 times out of 10, it’s just okay. So you keep trying again and again.

For the last 10 years, I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my partner. It’s so much better

by Anonymousreply 104October 24, 2021 4:29 PM

Aw r104 I’m happy for you.

by Anonymousreply 105October 24, 2021 4:31 PM

question for anyone who opened up your relationships - has your partner ever brought up an STD and if so, what happened?

Curious if this happens much (despite the rules about safer sex).

by Anonymousreply 106October 24, 2021 4:41 PM

I brought home HIV. This was 20 years ago. It was the most awful year of my life and it was all my fault, Thankfully, I've grown up considerably since then

by Anonymousreply 107October 25, 2021 5:39 PM

I’m sorry R107. That’s awful.

by Anonymousreply 108October 25, 2021 7:36 PM
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