Do attractive gay men experience more homophobia from closet cases?

As someone involved in S&M, hot looking men are treated much more harshly than ordinary looking men. I've discussed this with my psychotherapist and she agrees I express my envy of a good looking man by whipping him harder. Does this translate to homophobia?

I think I speak for all of us, when I say that no one here gives a rat's ass about "attractive gay men."

We really don't care about them.

To quote Mariah Carey, "excuse me Miss, but I have my own problems."

I consider myself to be an attractive older gay man. A woman I was friends with in town has a gay closeted husband. He "forbid" her from seeing me anymore because I am gay. It really hurt my feelings especially when she told me "we" don't approve of the "lifestyle" although I had been close friends with the wife for many, many years. The husband is a asshole and no one I know likes him, a true gay narcissist of the closet variety. I should have had a clue when the husband also forbid her from seeing a few of us who are gay friends as well as seeing her own brother who is gay. Hell, the husband wouldn't even let the wife watch "Will and Grace". Yes, a very fearful man that someone will expose him. Sad and pathetic really.

*an*

In town R3? Where do you live? Mayberry?

I live in a town in Fairfield County/ southwestern CT. Everybody knows everybody else's business trust me. The gossip is breathtakingly bad and malicious.

R6 is R3, sorry I am new at this.

Attractive people, if they are kind instead of assholes, will attract high levels of harrassment. They bring out the trolls, unless they surround themselves with other attractive who will serve as shield.

R2 -Well, you don't speak for 'all of us', but, I have noticed that there is a strange and weird sexual obsession on this site towards homely men. Males that are deemed 'hot' by the posters here, are sometimes, quite repulsive. I just don't get it - these 'hot men' would make me go limp. But, to each their own - more pretty boys for me.

Attractive AND effeminate, yes...

Possibly, yes.

No. They pick on people with the fewest supporters, so it is definitely not the highly attractive.

Attractive people are usually treated better. There are people who are envious and resentful of more attractive people. Attractive people attract all kinds including people with personality disorders. I can see how a closet case would have a hard time being around attractive out gay men. He'd get turned on and that would make him uncomfortable. He'd then blame the guy he was into for causing the discomfort.

Closet cases? Maybe. I've been very lucky- I've been out since 1991, and only had to deal with 3 homophobic attacks, none violent. I live in a conservative city in the South.

Years ago, during a discussion of "privilege", I was told that my looks were the reason I defended "freedom of association" and that I could never understand what it was like to be discriminated against because of my "privilege". I was so shocked that my (in my mind rather average) "looks" had conveyed some advantage that I couldn't even respond coherently.

Hell, 20 years later and I still blush when people compliment me. Thank GOD I keep my masochistic streak in check, or I would be fucked if the OP got hold of me!

I can picture that R13.

More masculine/Less femme* attractive guys face far less discrimination then their less attractive and more obviously gay peers. I have had this discussion a dozen times with straight and gay men.

It is our version of "privilege".

-

*hate that binary, since a lot of men aren't butch or masculine, just men with typically male mannerisms.

What about attractive feminine gay men?

R17-

It is the femme part that (in the 90s) made straight guys uncomfortable.

I didn't classify comments like "it's cool to hang around with you since you don't come off as gay" or "why do gay guys have to act like that?" as homophobic back then. I see it more clearly as an adult, but it is still an undercurrent amongst my straight male friends even today. They are cool with gays, but aren't likely to ask a flamboyant colleague to drinks after work, while "straight acting" gay guys are considered an asset in social circles.

No, I think we are going down the wrong path. The thread is getting derailed somewhat and I was wrong for asking my question at R17.

R13 answered it best.

R19

The OP is probably ugly. Just a hunch.

I think I once experienced this with a colleague. He'd get upset if I didn't socialize with him, but everytime I attempted to make smalltallk (because he got angry if I didn't ), he would act as though I was bothering him.

"Homophobia" is an inaccurate term because it is gender nonconformity not same-sex attraction that really offends heterosexist society. Hence, the overwhelming embrace of transgenderism as a "cure" for gender nonconforming kids.

Must be hell to live in the closet

R23,most masculine gay men and feminine gay women are in closet

R21 This was your colleague in junior high right? I hope this wasn't an adult!

The irony is that there are 2 types of attractive gay men: The effeminate and the masculine. And both will receive contempt (not just from closet cases but from openly gay men as well.)

Since the gay community as a whole still deals with a lot of internalized homophobia and insecurity, attractive feminine gay men are considered "lower" by most and get bashing from homophobic gay men (internalized and obvious) because they are not masculine enough to be considered truly attractive. e.g. "Look like Tarzan, talk like Jane"

But in the same vein masculine attractive gay men also receive backlash from insecure gays filled with envy. They usually have their masculinity attacked and questioned by other gay men (usually fem guys) who say things like "even Stevie Wonder could tell he is gay" to try to bring the guy down to their level.

That's the whole point, misery loves company so gays don't like to see attractive gay guys living nice lives, especially if the person is a legit nice person. Then their personality will be under scrutiny next

R35, gay men are the most vicious group. They have deep contempt and bitterness

I WISH, OP! I'm not good looking enough!

I live in western PA . My neighbor is a closet case and his wife looks like she escaped from the Pittsburgh zoo. I work out a lot and have a fabulous body and that just irritates both of them to no end. I had to call the State Police on them for constant harassment.

R6 Right?

It would make sense, wouldn't it? If you're trying to not think about eating chocolate and someone rolls up with a chocolate fountain on a trolley, there's going to be unfair resentment directed at the producer of goodness by someone actively denying themselves the pleasure. It's petulant but expected.

rofl r29. are you nuts? you sound nuts. and delusional.

OP, I would say yes. It's all about people projecting their issues onto people and when a good looking man is gay, most people dismiss a pretty boy. It's not only men, or closeted men, but many women as well who's hopes were dashed once they knew someone they fancied is not interested in them.

In my experience, femme gay men are much more accepted, whether they're good looking or not. They always make tons of friends because they're not intimidating and people feel safe around them, a lot of them ending up playing the cute gay jester role.

There are some people (both straight and gay), who are very insecure and furiously resent anyone who might be perceived as better: good looking, of better breeding and higher social status, more intelligent and/or talented, etc.

Straight men can get extremely jealous of other men, just as women get jealous of other women - however, ti isn't acceptable among men to express these feelings, so they channel it in different ways. I live in a university town in the South of England and I'm in my early thirties, but about 12 years ago, there was a trend of packs of guys ganging up and severely beating up men who were tall and handsome during weekends. The attacks lasted several months and they were frequent enough that students were warned to be careful when they went out, and they were told to always take a taxi or use the university's shuttle service.

I doubt that the guys doing the beating were gay - they were just a bunch of individuals who were frustrated with their looks and the lack of attention they got because of it, and decided to "compensate" for their lives' shortcomings by trying to ruin the lives of others.

As for attractive gay men, they tend to not face any harassment unless they are effeminate (sadly, society is brutally homophobic, even if it isn't politically correct to express that anymore), but attractiveness tends to smooth over any problems. Unless, of course, they are dealing with repressed gay/bisexual men, who might struggle with being able to control their desires, as R13 has said.

Also, R19 is also right. Many straight men don't mind someone being gay as long as they squarely fit into society's rigid notion of masculinity, but they despise and feel threatened and offended by effeminate men. Sadly, acceptance has occurred in general terms, but there are still lots of prejudices to overcome.

Good points r34. Beauty privilege can override minority status because beauty is so important to our species. And yes straight men can and often do feel jealous and envious of other men. Society likes to pretend that jealousy, envy, and cattiness are the domain of women but men do experience those feelings they just express in ways deemed socially acceptable for men.

[34] I've seen this happen in gyms, with a young, straight male clientele. Attractive, tall and naturally muscular men (who train alone) always get leered at and bullied by young straight guys who always seem to train in packs.

R36 I want to watch that.

I think attractive gay men (of all types) are harassed by straight men who are sublimating and fighting their own feelings of desire. They are lashing out against the object of their attraction because of deep, internalized homophobia.

Another thread weirdly bumped up from 2015.

DL software must be broken.

Did the Corona cause a time warp?

Homophobes project their own self-hate onto others. That's why they claim out gays are nasty, self-absorbed queens who make the rest of the gays look bad. It's all the things they hate about themselves.

R3 You have to get revenge on him somehow. I know, living well is the best revenge.

Not sure about attractive gay men, but certain the more effeminate you are, the most homophobia you're likely to experience as a gay man. It's often particularly bad when dealing with closet cases, who are unnerved by effeminacy because they fear it in themselves.

My partner of many years is extremely attractive in a hyper masculine way. Everyone wanted to be around him. Very little attitude from anyone. It was a blessing and he has always been a kind person so always values the underdogs

As a youth in junior high school and high school I was banned from a number of my friends' houses because their parents feared I would seduce their male children. And I wasn't particularly good looking, just adequate to the purpose.

I notice that attractive straight men and closet cases tend to get perved on here by self hating gays like the troll .

I'm a masculine top and I remember feeling good about being told "you don't act gay" or "you don't talk gay"...it was really only later that I realized I too had internalized what society told me. Now when someone say that I just "but I am and that's that". In reality some of the most effeminate gay men are some of the toughest birds cuz they put up with so much shit even from their own kind. Effeminate men don't bother me when they are out, bring them on. What does bother me are closet cases who become hateful and bitter because they can't live as they were meant to. Looks are less important than our own homophobia.

I don't think looks has anything to do with it. Bullies attack those who they perceive as weak.

Feminine gays, good looking or not, will always be considered weak targets by women and men. They are ripe for harassment.