Let's pretend we're washed-up ex-child stars!

I'm all of them on the Howard Stern Show giving an "interview", sinking so low I've reduced myself to letting some vile homophobic, misogynistic Jew snicker at me while asking if I prefer "oral or anal".

I'm the "tell-all" bio that reveals that not much really happened behind the scene, other than that yet another child-star slept with Florence Henderson.

Well, I for one refuse to be Screech's "Dirty Samchez." Someone else can be that.

I'm the prescription for one of the legal drugs Dana Plato used to kill herself. Just say no, indeed!

Bryan singer touched me here (points to penis) and inserted his cold cold member here (points to ass) and all I ever got was a bit role in x-men

I'm the car lot in Long Beach where Zac Efron will be selling used cars in two years.

I'm the bottom of the bottle they're looking into..

I see bread, people.

I'm Danny Bonadouchebag.

I'm sorry.

I'm Danny Pintauro presenting his hole.

And while I'm doing that...

Check out my Tupperware!

I'm the straight-to-dvd Christian movies that comprise 100% of my IMDB resume since the 80s.

I'm the seedy motel room that is rented by the week. We hope that Dr.Drew will come knocking and recruiting for a new show so this asshole will finally leave.

I am on Celebrity Wife Swap!

I'm the coffin that will soon hold one.

I'm the shallow grave in the desert that will soon hold one.

I'm the gallery of mugshots that will be used in a new "Faces of Meth" PSA.

I'm Jesus, and I'm tired of being used to excuse these one-trick ponies' failures to sustain their careers through adulthood.

I'm a brief cameo in the upcoming remake of the only thing I did anyone anywhere remembers. I won't be doing one.

I'm dead.

I'm the closet door. As long as you're alive, it's never too late to walk through me. You know who you are.

Well, at least The Beaver has not been licked.

We're the brown spots on Kirk Cameron's banana.

I'm the tranny hooker

I'm the dive bar where most of Erin Moran's Paramount lawsuit money ended up. She's been banned from here for life for flashing her saggy milk jugs and for an unpaid tab that's bigger than the amount of money she ever won from Paramount in the first place. Who knows how long that ban will last!

What do you mean, pretend?

I'm the bitchy comments that gay men make about my shitbra.

I'm the catch phrase that ensured no film or theater casting director would ever take me seriously for anything challenging, whether or not I was actually right for the part.

I'm the corpse they just found in bed having od'd on a heroin/morphine cocktail.

I'm the stage mother who misappropriated the funds of our family breadwinner. I'm going on ET tomorrow to make a public plea for her forgiveness.

I'm the aghast expression that involuntarily crosses people's faces at the instant of recognition that an adorable childhood icon has grown into a somewhat hideous-looking adult.

I'm the childhood the former child star never experienced. During the years that I'm famous I was either home schooled or taught in a room behind the set, I was never invited to a real birthday party, joined a team or had real friendships. While other kids were playing, I was learning lines. I did all this to please my awful stage parents. I will spend the rest of my life feeling like I missed something and it makes me miserable.

Another elder gay lets pretend post......sad.

I'm the advice given to the current hot young shit, that is miles more famous than I ever was. Yet I compare my demise to the current young star's stunt of the week, as if I were ever a household name outside the teenage girls who plastered my poster. The tats require a comical amount of suspension of disbelief.

I'm the toilet bowl they hugged last night for hours.

Why are we always asked to "pretend" or "choose between"?

I'm the every-month new thread on DL about a former Disney actor who has fallen on hard times that somehow believes this is the first time this sort of thing has happened.

I worked in a hotel and Kirk Cameron and his wife, Chelsea stayed with us. They were hands down the nicest celebrities we ever had. Polite, nice, tipped well, never pretentious or problematic.

The worst ones hand down are the "Broadway Stars." That means you Joel Grey, Bernadette Peters and Chita Rivera, who declared to me that no one must know she was staying at that hotel.

I'm like "Bitch, who the hell are you? No one knows who you are."

We're the few rich-as-shit, set-for-life child stars. We spend our days driving fast cars, fucking hot bitches, doing bong hits, and doing whatever the FUCK we want to do.

I'm the ugly-but-adorable-Jew who turned down Harvard and Yale to get my doctorate in neuroscience at UCLA. Suck it, haters!

I'm the Republican party, and we still think you're A-list!

I'm the child who had the childhood R31 wished he had. You didn't miss much. We looked up to you.

I'm Jason Batemen, who fucked all of them.

R42 doesn't know what he's talking about.

I'm "Tomorrow," the song that built up eight thousand little girls' dreams of stardom and destroyed it for all but 7,997 of them.

I'm the Playboy with the "She's all grown up!" I smell of despair, stale cigarettes, and old Nickelodeon VHS tapes. I will be the lowest selling issue this year.

I'm an autograph show. I am the primary source of income for most of them.

I'm Soleil Moon Frye. I'm one of the few ex-child stars who isn't gay, a Jesus freak, a druggie, a jailbird, or dead before my time. Now I'm the most hated thing DL could ever imagine: a MOMMY BLOGGER!

I am the unpaid Huffington Post thought piece that will only receive twelve Facebook likes.

This is sad not funny.

[quote]This is sad not funny.

Take that up with American casting agents and their fetish for typecasting.

I'm Jesus. The washed-up star found me after his career ended!

[quote]I'm "Tomorrow," the song that built up eight thousand little girls' dreams of stardom and destroyed it for all but 7,997 of them.

Worked out very well for me.

I'm the advanced college degree from the prestigious university that the star could not afford had he not saved the money he earned as a child actor.

I'm the stable home, job, spouse, kids and pet the 'washed-up former child star' ended up with because said has-been never bought into that crap in the first place!

We reinvented ourselves as reality TV stars. Our shows bombed. All of them.

[quote]I'm Danny Pintauro presenting his hole. And while I'm doing that... Check out my Tupperware!

Is that the one you hold your AIDS meds in?

I'm the sphincter penetrated by Charlie Sheen.

I am the New York Times obituary that the child star eventually gets

I'm a guy playing Mickey Mouse at Disneyland getting yelled at by ex-Mouseketeer Christina Aguilera, who makes more money in a year than I make in a decade.

I’m the overweight, Iowa vacationing frau, who recognizes you at the Grove. It should make you feel better, but it actually makes it worse.

[quote]I'm the every-month new thread on DL about a former Disney actor who has fallen on hard times that somehow believes this is the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Bitch, please.

I'm Mason Reese's protuberant eyeballs.

I'm the bed the child star gets fucked every day by seedy men, so the can buy another dose of heroin

I'm one of the ex-child stars who recorded a segment for Celebrity Ghost Stories.