Let's Be An Episode of Law & Order SVU

I'm the script that desperately needs the characters Elliot and Munch back to be interesting again.

I'm the snappy dialogue among the detectives as they walk away from the crime scene.

I'm the warp speed at which these cases are investigated and tried through NYC's boggled-down court system.

I'm also Hudson University and the "unique" tympany soundtrack.

BD Wong hasn't been a regular for several seasons.

As usually, I am Det. Benson's magnetic sexuality too powerful for any man or woman to resist.

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

I'm the salacious gay man used as a plot device. I'm always portrayed as a predatorial, amoral type. I like to fuck indiscriminately and without conscious. I am Middle America's worst nightmare. Also, I will usually be played by a former teen idol.

I'm Ice-T's world-weary, withering aside to some scumbag suspect.

I am the innocent naive freshman enjoying my first year at Hudson University. Before the end of this year I will be turning tricks in my dorm room and on the pole from 7-9 weekends at the local strip joint. I will be dead after a fraternity gang bang gone wrong.

R7, Mark-Paul wasn't gay in that episode. He was a straight gay-for-pay porn actor who only did porn to help pay for his cystic fibrosis daughter's treatments.

I'm the ridiculously specific interstitial title card:

WED., APRIL 27 1:37 P.M.

HOME OF MRS. MILLIE MOSKOWITZ, OUR LADY OF PROMPT SUCCOR HOME FOR THE AGED, 29-19 25TH AVE., ASTORIA, QUEENS, APT. 2-D

I'm the courthouse metal detector that's about as reliable as the Datalounge search function.

I'm the melodramatic way that multiple social issues and ripped-from-the-headlines cases are shoved into each episode

I'm the Lennie Line that hasn't closed the teaser in several years. Oh, wait, that was regular L&O.

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

I'm the red herring plot that runs for the first fifteen minutes until the real case is revealed.

I'm the attractive black female who works in the NYPD morgue with zero support staff.

I'm the pregnant rape victim that Olivia counsels and has to mention that she is product of rape.

I'm the oh so lucky jockstrap of Eliot.

I'm a celebrity whose career peaked years ago giving an edgy performance in a guest-starring role.

I'm the tight, spicy brown foreskin of Danny Pino's Cuban pinga.

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

R13, marry me!!

No, he's marrying me!

I'm the physician in charge of the free clinic who between acting gigs works at the Chanel counter at Macy's in Queen's Plaza.

I am the sexually sadistic, psychopathic serial rapist and murderer that kidnaps but never kills Olivia.

[quote]I'm Ice-T's world-weary, withering aside to some scumbag suspect.

I'm Ice-T's mangled line readings, I can only speak when they put peanut butter in my mouth right before the director yells "action".

I'm Meloni's here-today gone-tomorrow hairline, brought to you by "Hair In A Can".

I'm the actor who can step out of the squad room elevator and immediately add to the conversation that was occurring well before I was within hearing range.

I'm the chef's salad that the A.D.A. is trying to eat when Elliot and Olivia come up to her and ask her to look the other way so they can nail a perp.

I'm the rolled up shirt sleeves that reveal Meloni's sinewy,muscular, crossed forearms.

I'm the knife Chad Lowe's character used to kill his sexually inappropriate mother (played by Margot Kidder) in "Pique". I actually played dual roles. I acted as a knife AND as a penis.

I am LIZA!

I'm Benson's biological clock, and I am TICKING. LIKE. THIS.

I'm the extra "n" in Dann Florek's name.

I'm the eye witness that will be asked 1 - 2 questions then walked away from when Olivia's mobile rings. I actually had lots more information to share you guys!

I'm the average white guy.

I'm Munch's latest paranoid conspiracy theory combined with Finn's rolling eyes as he immediately disregards it.

I'm Finn's hot gay son, offering to serve as bait for the serial killer who's been targeting rich but closeted gay men.

I'm Chester Lake, the detective few viewers liked and even fewer remember. When I show up in the 2007 reruns, everyone seems vaguely shocked and dismayed.

I'm the non-response after Olivia calls "Portable to Central, we need a bus!"

I'm the cast shot at the end of the intro where everyone is trying not to laugh.

I'm the first 3 minutes that you'd better not miss otherwise you will be totally lost after all of the convoluted twists & turns in the plot.

I'm ADA Casey Novak's incurable nasal congestion.

I'm Sister Peg. I've been raped and murdered three or four times now.

I'm the viewer missing Briscoe, Nolan and all the originals.

I'm Chris Meloni, I'm like a Chanel suit.

I never go out of style.