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Dear Darfur Orphan,

How are you? I am fine. Really, I am. Smoked some herb, drinking beers on, and pissing off, my balcony. I have a venus flytrap out here I spontaneously bought at a grocery store last month. I'll bet you two would get along well. You both have the fly thing in common. Have you ever listened to Brian Eno? I ask only because he just shuffled onto my iPod. Well, iPhone. Who has an iPod anymore?! Ha! Anyway, I'm writing to tell you I can't make this month's payment. I spent that "price of a cup of coffee a day" money on a shitload of cups of coffee. To be fair, I'm really groggy in the morning. Next month for sure! Hi to your mom, and pass on my sympathy about her rapings and clitorectomy and stuff.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 6301/10/2015

Very funny, OP. Way to take the piss out of dying children.

by Anonymousreply 309/10/2013

I've worked in humanitaian aid in post-conflict environments, and I think OP is really funny. His satire shows he is probably more knowledgable of African crises than most Americans or DL readers. Learn to appreciate some humour!

by Anonymousreply 409/10/2013

"Dave" is original … and funnee.

Good on ya, Dave.

Carry on.

by Anonymousreply 609/10/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I just had the craziest dream about you. Well, you and me. We were on a crosstown Minneapolis bus, sitting on opposite sides, staring at each other. Your eyes were really wide and you almost looked like you wanted to hurt me. Suddenly the bus driver announced we were arriving at Prince's house, and I realized that you *were* Prince. I wanted to tell you I liked your music, especially the mid-80s Beatlesque stuff, but when I opened my mouth all I could say was "Hey Prince, it's Spaghetti Night!" Over and over. Weird, huh? Prince is a rock star, as I'm sure you're aware. It's also a brand of spaghetti, which is a food. Tell me your dreams, if you ever get around to writing back, nudge, nudge.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 809/10/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Whenever I hear the word Darfur, it makes me think, "Derp, derp, derp, derp" which makes me giggle a bit. I think I smoked to much weed. Is your hut made of weed? Way cool.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 909/10/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Hope you are doing well. Glad the fall is almost here and Starbucks has finally bought back the Pumpkin Spice Latte! woohoo! Love those! I'm sure you would too if you lived in America.

Do you have an fast food restaurants - like MacDonald's? I think you could afford MacDonalds as they have a dollar menu.

Please take care and I think about you often!

by Anonymousreply 1009/10/2013

If you're going to be crude, make it clever. This is not.

by Anonymousreply 1109/10/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Oh man, what a mess. This beer's going right through me so instead of crossing the house to my bathroom off the master, I used my husband's bathroom closer to my home office. Anyway, I had been looking at some internet porn between letters to you, and my urethra did that crazy split-stream thing that happens when you're horny and you have to piss. Get this: *both* streams missed the bowl! Now I have to clean the floor of the husband's bathroom, ugh. I should've just gone the extra thirty steps to one of the other bathrooms. Are you old enough that this happens to you yet? It's kinda hard to tell from your photo. My advice? Sit to pee. You'll avoid all this hassle.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 1209/10/2013

Reminds me of the letters Jack Nicholson wrote in About Schmidt:

Dear Ndugu, you'll be glad to know that Jeannie's wedding came off without a hitch. Right now she and Randall are on their way to sunny Orlando on my nickel, of course. As for me, I'm headed back to Omaha. I'm driving straight through this time and I've made only one stop ... the impressive new arch over the interstate at Carney, Nebraska. An arch that commemorates the courage and determination of the pioneers who crossed the state on their way west. You've really got to see it to believe it ... and it kind of got me thinking. Looking at all that history and reflecting on the achievements of people long ago put things into perspective. My trip to Denver for instance is so insignificant compared to the journeys that others have taken ... the bravery that they've shown ... the hardships they've endured. I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference. But what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me? When I was out in Denver I tried to do the right thing ... tried to convince Jeannie she was making a big mistake but I failed. Now she's married to that nincompoop and there's nothing I can do about it. I am weak and I am a failure. There's just no getting around it. Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in twenty years, maybe tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Once I am dead, and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never even existed. What difference has my life made to anyone? None that I can think of. None at all. Hope things are fine with you. Yours truly, Warren Schmidt."

by Anonymousreply 1309/10/2013

[quote]His satire shows he is probably more knowledgable of African crises than most Americans or DL readers.

Leaving aside the issue of whether his satire is funny, where the hell are you getting the idea OP has some deep knowledge of African crises? Because he's heard of "clitorectomies" (sic) and the child soldiers? You sound just as dumb as he does.

by Anonymousreply 1409/10/2013

Xtian holy warriors pretended to care about Darfur, but they never did. Now that there is a South Sudan, they have washed their hands entirely of it.

by Anonymousreply 1509/10/2013

I don't believe R14 even knows what I'm satirizing.

Poor dear.

by Anonymousreply 1609/10/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I can finally say I have walked a mile on your bare feet. For the past week, I have not had air-conditioning. In a house this size, it gets hot and humid quite quickly and for the past couple of days it didn't seem to cool off. The service people just left and I now have two now A/C units, one for each floor of the house. I will think about you every time they come on.

With more empathy, Dave

by Anonymousreply 1709/11/2013

Very funny thread.

Keep it up, OP, you're awesome!

by Anonymousreply 1809/11/2013

I hope people realize this is satire and that the OP is satirizing the asshole that keeps bringing up Darfur Orphans on threads.....

by Anonymousreply 1909/11/2013

Dear Dave,

I feel your pain.

by Anonymousreply 2009/11/2013

I LOVE you, OP. You are fucking hilarious. And R11, R14, et al, need to take the splinter out of their ass cracks. Keep going buddy! This is shaping up to be the best thread I've read on DL ever. Love love love!

PS: Maybe we could hear from Darfur Orphan too?

by Anonymousreply 2109/11/2013

Dear Dave -

Your satire has cut me to the quick, and I realize how pathetic my affluent American existence really is.

I am cutting off my Save The Children contribution immediately because I can't stand the hypocrisy.

I now realuze that I am nothing - and truly have nothing.

Who's the orphan now?

Bill

by Anonymousreply 2209/11/2013

Dear Dave,

Can you ask your Orphan if he knows Bono? If so, I have a demo CD from my band which I'd really love to get into his hands. (Bono's hands that is.)

Marcel, the local barrista

by Anonymousreply 2309/11/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Do you have a fitbit? I just got one because the girls in the office have them and we're doing the 10,000 steps a day challenge. It's pretty cool, we're all pushing ourselves to reach the goal and losing some of that spare tire weight in the process. I noticed your belly's getting kind of big, so I think you'd like it as well. You'll probably hit the 10K mark every day just looking for clean water. I'll send you one this month instead of the usual cash. Your figure will thank me. Don't forget to friend me so we can share our progress!

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 2409/14/2013

LOL!! I ♥ Dave.

by Anonymousreply 2509/14/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Just wanted to say hi! I was going through my online gallery, and it hit me that I never sent a pic of myself. You haven't friended me on FB yet, so I figured I'd sent this quick snap by snail mail. Hope you don't mind the big toilet paper roll. Haha!

Love your sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 2609/14/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I'm afraid I fell off the wagon; I'm smoking cigarettes again. I guess it's the stress of not knowing where your next meal is coming from, now that I'm spending my Orphan money on American Spirit Blues (no, the *light* blue ones, please). Also, my Venus Flytrap requires distilled water, which I had assumed meant urine, but quickly realized it had a different meaning entirely. It actually costs money! So I'm broke again this month, but what can I do? Deny my cute plant, a living being, distilled water? I'm sure you understand, you're such an easygoing li'l fella. I'll get you next time.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 2709/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Are you happy the new "Annie" will be black?

by Anonymousreply 2809/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Are you gonna finish eating that?

Sincerely, Sally Struthers

by Anonymousreply 2909/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Why do you stay in your country? Can't you just go and live in one of your vacation homes in another country? I know it's the off season in the Hamptons and that can be positively dreadful. I know you really never gave it a serious thought, but reconsider. Even the off season in the Hamptons has to be better than Darfur. And if it gets too bad you can always go into the city and spend the weekends in a lovely suite at the Four Seasons or the St Regis. It's only 35 minutes away by helicopter

by Anonymousreply 3009/17/2013

I love Dave!

by Anonymousreply 3109/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Jesus, have you heard the new Boy George single? It's spectacular! First of all, a gorgeous arrangement. But most of all: The Voice! Deep, raspy, soulful. He sounds like he's seen some hard times, but he's coming through them, beating the odds! God, I wish I knew more people like that. Imagine the utterly chaotic pressure of being a 22 year old pop star, being showered with money and praise for years, until you wound up shooting heroin because there were no more kicks. I hope you never have to go through that. Anyway, if your village has an record store you should check it out. It'll shift your whole attitude.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 3209/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I just lost my job.

Can you send me that $32 back?

by Anonymousreply 3309/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I'll be sending you a gift certificate to Applebee's this year instead of the customary blanket because I want you to try their new Swedish Meatballs and Fettuchini---it is TO DIE for!

Hope all is well and that you have managed with that fly problem.

by Anonymousreply 3409/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Once again I find myself walking in you bare feet. This morning I was late to the airport and couldn't get my typical first class seat. Coach food is intolerable. The hunger pains are already starting to wear me down.

With even more empathy, Dave

by Anonymousreply 3509/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I'm sending you the VEGAN Cookbook, I think it will be helpful in your situation.

Heading to the Hamptons this weekend. Biff & Bunny say "hello".

Ciao!

by Anonymousreply 3609/17/2013

Did you know that many starving children claim that they can hear the worms in their bellies make hunger noises, like a squealing metallic sound? Like babies complaining and wanting to be fed.

Yes, such a funny thread. But there's nothing is funnier than the facts, is there.

by Anonymousreply 3709/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I hear you got yourself some pet worms. Very nice! I love pets. I had an iguana once, but my roommate Steve left the heating lamp on too long and roasted the iguana accidentally.

By the way, Steve is also in the military. We're kinda dating now that the whole "Don't Ask Don't Tell" thing is over. Maybe I'll send you some iPhone pics that Steve took of us when I wasn't looking. Heh heh. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend yet?

Anyway, make sure to feed your pet worms or they'll die. Keep them away from heating lamps too. I learned that the hard way!

Your sponsor, Davie

by Anonymousreply 3809/17/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Sorry! That wasn't an "i" in my name. I had one of those runny boogs and it accidentally fell onto the page in that last letter. Thank God for Kleenex, right? I put it to plenty of use in the barracks. Very versatile stuff. Anyway, have you named your worms yet?

Your sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 3909/17/2013

Dear Orphan,

Fuck it seems like I am being taught a lot of life lessons of late. Yesterday, my washing machine went out. By machine, I mean actual machine, not some grimy mud pit you share with the local rhinos. For two whole days I couldn't wash my clothes. The pile of dirty clothes I collected was astounding, but luckily my new machine could handle them all in one load.

What brand of detergent do you prefer? I have been using the Tide pods lately, but I heard children think they are marshmallows and eat them! I couldn't help but think of you and your delight at seeing a container full of 60 marshmallows.

On another note, it has rained here for three straight days. I think I'm going to have to build an ark! If we are lucky my new vessel will float me to visit you.

Empathetically yours,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 4009/21/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I know it's been a while since I've written. I'm hoping you can't read so it doesn't really matter. If you can read, congratulations! They must have built that school I was supposed to help pay for.

So, I need a favor. Halloween is coming up and I thought it would be cool to go as my very own Darfur Orphan! It's more of a tribute than a dick move, although truthfully it's a bit of both.

Remember how you sent that photo of yourself when I first started sponsoring you? I'm sorry to say I lost it; I think it got mixed up with the recycling. I wonder if you could send me another, something big enough to wear as a mask. Perhaps you could get the original blown up and color-copied at your village Kinko's? I think this outfit could really be a hit on the Halloween party circuit. I promise if I win any cash prizes I'll split them with you 50/50.

Thanks in advance, dude. You're the best.

Your sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 4110/21/2013

LOL.

by Anonymousreply 4210/21/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

I never got that photo for my mask. That's okay. I know you get super-busy mining diamonds for Valentine's Day this time of year. Such a romantic job. You must get so excited every time you pluck one of those beauties out of the soil, knowing that it's going to make some Jewish girl happy for a second and a half.

I'm trying to be more responsible, so I sent my monthly pledge early this time. It's not due until the first, but I sent a check out yesterday. If all goes according to plan, you'll wind up getting two lunches one day soon, due to the overlap. It takes a few months for checks to clear in your country, yes?

About those diamonds. Do you think you could send a couple of tiny ones my way, ones that your employer wouldn't miss? I hate to ask, but things are pretty tight right now. I accidentally bleached my colored (no offense) clothes and got fired when I showed up for work at Target wearing a pink polo. They accused me of being an activist, whatever that means. I assured them I barely exercise at all, but it didn't seem to help.

Now my landlord's getting on my case too. He says he's sick of me paying my rent in reddit gold and that he doesn't even know what reddit is. Okay, landlord, welcome to everybody. Right? I stalled him by throwing around the word "bitcoin" with a fair degree of confidence, but I'm not sure how long that will last.

Seriously dude, just a couple of pebble-sized diamonds will set me up for a couple of months, and then we can get back on track with our usual arrangement. Thanks in advance.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 4311/01/2013

I heart Dave.

by Anonymousreply 4411/01/2013

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Christmas is coming, I don’t know if you know what that means. At Target, we’re so swamped with expensive electronics and toys, I’ll practically scream if I have to back-stock another fancy game system or tablet. Do you believe in Jesus? I forget if I picked you up on a Jesus site or just a poor kid site. Apparently Jesus wants all the latest shit like yesterday. He’s a real tough customer. And he’s a snowman. Which is probably why he skips your section of the world. Too hot.

Listen, about that $20 you owe me for placing that bet on the Cleveland game. Take your time getting that back to me, up to three weeks. I have bills too. I swear to god I thought they’d finally win one.

More soon.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 4512/12/2013

I wish Dave (Sedaris) would leave DL.

Next he'll start a hilarious thread about mass executions in North Korea.

by Anonymousreply 4612/12/2013

I hope you are surviving the polar vortex.

by Anonymousreply 4701/06/2014

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Hey! Long time no hear! How’ve you been little buddy?

I’m sorry I’ve missed my last few payments again, but I ended up in jail for a while, for urinating on a police dog. Do you have jail in Africa? It’s this little locked room with bars (not the good kind, lol), where all they give you is a bed, toilet, sink, three hot meals, a job, and an hour of exercise. There was a library, but it wasn’t very big, and all the Tom Clancy was checked out. Hell.

I wouldn’t have survived it without one of your strong brothers taking me under his wing and sheets. Kudos to your ancestral people and their firm but gentle ways. Now that I’m out, I swear to be a better person, even to you.

I hope everything’s well in Africa. Have you had your ebola shot? If not, you should get to your local CVS for one. I heard it’s bad there. Also, have you ever tried massaging your prostate? It is so worth it.

No check this time either (haha like I have any money) but next time for sure. I just wanted to drop a line so you wouldn’t worry about me.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 4811/07/2014

Must be stupid fraus who don't get it.

by Anonymousreply 4911/07/2014

Dear Dave, I am having a relief worker balance my tiny, bloated little body on her lap while she writes my words. Dave, thank you for your concern.

by Anonymousreply 5011/07/2014

J'adore Dave!

by Anonymousreply 5111/07/2014

If Dave really looked like R26, i would sponsor him !!!

Funny satire .... And I appreciate the long term commitment ...to his thread, if not his orphan

by Anonymousreply 5211/07/2014

Dear Dorph,

You don't mind if I call you that, do you? It's just that your formal name is so long.

Guess what? I got another sponsor kid! His name is Pedro and he's from Guatemala (or as my slightly racist friend Karen says, Costaguadamexirico). Okay, she's not a friend, she's a character on a TV show. Do you have digital cable over there, or are you stuck with dish? Anyhow, he's not really an orphan, but he has sixteen brothers and sisters and they all share one toilet/bedroom, so I send them a few pesos and they send me back a few maryjane seeds. Cool deal, no?

By the way, don't think I'm "cheating" on you or anything. You're still my main little dude, even with that bloody projectile vomiting thing you have going on right now. One of your uncles visited Dallas and scared the bejeezus out of everyone here.

Alright, little guy, gotta get back to the barracks. My buddy Steve wants to play "Bury the IED", if you know what I mean. Heh!

Your sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 5311/07/2014

Dave must be really well hung, he types well hung

by Anonymousreply 5411/07/2014

One of the best threads EVER. Shouldn't laugh, but can't help it when reading.

by Anonymousreply 5511/08/2014

LOVE!

by Anonymousreply 5611/08/2014

Damn, r26 is hot as hell

by Anonymousreply 5711/08/2014

Dear Dave,

Sorry I haven't written. I'm so busy feeling sorry for Lena Dunham and for the way people misinterpreted the comments about her playing with her sister's vagina. I can't sleep at nights because of the injustice of it all, and have trouble eating my daily ration of crabgrass and cricket larvae, much less choking down the ditch water that is the only liquid available to me.

Hope all is well.

hugs, Darfur Orphan

by Anonymousreply 5811/08/2014

Come back, Mike! :tears:

by Anonymousreply 5912/20/2014

Dear Dave,

You do realize these kids never see a dime of your $32, right?

I keep it and was able to recently purchase a new Bentley and a summer home in Southampton.

Continue to cut that check each month,

Martin @ Mercy Corps

by Anonymousreply 6012/20/2014

Genius. Best bit of satire I've seen in ages. :)

by Anonymousreply 6112/20/2014

Dear Darfur Orphan,

Have you ever felt depressed? I mean *REALLY* depressed, just unable to function? So much that you went on medication for it, like I have? I doubt it. I don't think your country knows how to make pills yet.

Everybody sucks. Everything sucks. I suck. Nothing means anything - and I don't say that casually. I've given it a great deal of thought and done a fair amount of internet research, and concluded that, ultimately, nothing in this illusory world means anything. The doctor said I was depressed. So I started taking these pills and I got SO FAT!!

OMG, you know what it's like to tuck on a few unexpected pounds, everybody does, Thanksgiving, yadayada. But taking this medication blows me up like a balloon!! (Do you have balloons?) The scale says I've only gained 10 pounds, but it feels like at least 50. I have this constant sensation of being swollen, bloated, like too much meat stuffed into a sausage casing or something. It's grotesque. I feel like Violet Beauregard, blowing up into a big round berry.

I just wish someone could squeeze me out, juice me, get me down to a normal size, ya know? It's not like I'm even eating. I have no appetite, food rotting in the fridge and such. But I feel so FULL.

IT'S DISCONCERTING.

Anyway, I'm spending my contributition to you this month on medication, and another medication to counter the first medication.

You don't need meds. You have a gleam in your eye, a "smize" if Tyra will. You look like your grin could thwart a dozen duststorms. I'm too weak to even brave a dustball.

Stay strong, little slim brother. Hands up, don't shoot.

Your Sponsor,

Dave

by Anonymousreply 6201/10/2015

Dear Dorph,

URGENT: Ignore previous message. A few months ago, I went on one date with this guy in my barracks named Roger who thought he was Janet Jackson. He later found out I was dating this other (hotter) dude--who happens to like Madonna, by the way--and Roger lost his shit. Pardon my French.

Anyway, Roger decided he was converting to Islam (mostly because I think he likes that they wear caftans) and decided to go AWOL. Before he left, I saw him skulking around my stash and I think that's where he got your address.

A few weeks later, I got a postcard from this place back in the States called Ferguson. Roger said he was joining some protest going on back home. On his way there, his dress got caught on the brake pedal, and some cop gave him a ticket for going 25 MPH in a minimum 40 MPH zone. Roger said he was pretty pissed because of the "discrimination," so he's vowed to go on a hunger strike until all injustices are avenged, or some shit like that.

Anyway, Roger has a burger fetish, so I think he's been cheating on his hunger strike. He started taking "prescription" pot (aka his "pills") to help him lose the weight. I'm positive he gets a bad case of the munchies and starts chowing down on those burgers, blaming the extra pounds on the "medicine." Yeah right. Snort.

After that, I haven't heard from him. I think he thinks you're a camel jockey too, little buddy. So he feels he has a connection (some "solidarity") with you. I don't want him terrorizing you or anything, so just say something nice about the Prophet if you write back, and things'll be cool. Roger doesn't stay focused on anything for very long, so next month he'll be writing to Richard Simmons or the Salvation Army for an internship or some shit like that.

Anyway little buddy, didn't mean to alarm you or anything, but I had to clear up this identity theft shit that Roger is putting me through. That's the last time I date a Housewives super fan.

Enclosed is five bucks. Splurge on a pack of Wonder Rice this time. My treat.

Your sponsor,

Dave (the real one)

by Anonymousreply 6301/10/2015
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