How to Make It in Hollywood. . .by Tami Erin

Just a reminder for those with amnesia, alzheimer's or anorexia: I am TAMI ERIN. I made my feature-film debut in the title role of PIPPI LONGSTOCKING, a role I won after beating out 8,000 other girls for the part. I won the role because I was multi-talented--a hexagonial threat! I could sing, I could dance, I could ride a horse, climb a tree, and make origami in the shape of an asteroid. The producers labored through auditions of 80,000 other actresses for the role but it was MY talent that shone through. As anyone who has seen my film can tell you, it was worth the effort. If any of those 800,000 other actresses that auditioned had won the part over me, the 1988 remake would NEVER have endured as well as it has! I know--I'm as thankful as you all are that I was cast instead of any of the 8,000,000 other girls that were tested! Whew!

For my many fans, here's that photo you've been seeking! From my scandalous photo expose for the Santa Monica Penny Saver, here's the famous Sunglass photo! (Secret Just Between Us: NEVER wear rollerskates to the beach! It's really HARD to roll in the sand! It took me awhile to understand the physics of it all so I want to share this knowledsge with all of you, my fans who love me in eighteen languages! Remember: NO skates on the sandy shores!)

Tami Erwin, you are a joy to behold! Not that I know a THING about you, but you seem like such a positive life force! What are your current plans and projects? And are you related to that charming little Australian scamp, Bindi?

Tami, were you at all threatened by the multitalented Aileen Quinn?

Oh Tami! You've made my day. I loved Pippi! Glad to hear you're still alive and kicking. PS. Nice knockers.

Hello, Darling Fan R3!!! I have many projects lined up but only a few that I can reveal: I will be making a cameo in an extra-long commercial for a big-budgeted product release. Look for me playing an audience member of a faux talk show in the dazzling infomercial for the "New Bullet"! I go "WOW!" in one scene! I beat out 80,000 other actresses for that part! (They were only loved in seventeen international languages, poor things.)

R4, you open a wound in my soul.

When Aileen planned on making her big-screen comeback in "Pippi!" (marking her return to the silver screen following her supporting role as an orphan years earlier in some thing called "Annie"), she threatened all of us who were auditioning for the role. Pippi is one of the great roles of the cinema: There's Scarlett O'Hara, Blanche DuBois, and Drink the Juice Shelby. But none of those hold a light to the luminescence of Pippi Longstocking. And Aileen was no wallflower on that account. Oh, she tried to torment me, tried to break my kneecaps, like Nancy Kerrigan would later do to Nadia Komanich. But I would have NONE of it! I knew how to outsmart her!

I wore kneepads.

Still have 'em.

Still come in handy.

My top to you, R4! I love you, my fan!

Hello, Biggest Fan at R5! I'm so glad we can enjoy my performances together! Have you seen my celebrated cameo in American Reunion? You have to look quick, but there I am, in the background! Oh, so many have written me to say that they enjoyed my big-screen SURPRISE! (I know, I know; the darn cinematographer filmed me and the others in the background--Soleil Moon Frye and the corpse of Dana Plato--in an out of focus manner, but YES! that is me in the crowd scene! And since you also enjoy my knockers, let me knock you out! This is the cover photo for my upcoming self-help book, "Don't Hold It In: Release Your Inner Pain and Flatulence"! See you at the book-signing!

Tami, you're the best. Thanks for the tip. I'm rushing out to my 24 hour bookstore to pick up a copy. You are fab. Thanks for chatting with your unworthy fans.

Wait a minute, R3! I just re-read your post and noticed something! (I just became literate and sometimes have to read things two or five times to grasp their mincing.)

You called me Tami ERWIN.

My NAME is Tami ERIN!

Erin. . .as in Maroon. "Happy Days"? "Joanie Loves Charo"? Not ERWIN.

Tami ERWIN is a PORN STAR--and I have it on good word that TAMI ERWIN is NOT her REAL NAME. Just Like DRU Barrymore and JODY Foster, unknown, untalented bimbettes often use a variation on FAR more FAMOUS, big NAME actresses to FOOL people into buying an "adult" film.

I assure you, SHE is not I.

However. . .do you know who the producers of those types of films are? I might consider doing one, now that Octomom is going in that direction. No nudity, though!

No, R5! YOU are the BEST! (Better than that poster at R3 who PRETENDS to know me. Some people just are not cinema-literatis.)

By the way, my long-awaited autobiography, "Pip! Pip! Pooray!" is coming this Fall. In it, I recount a harrowing stalking inident that took place when Inger Nilsson (or, as everyone in Hollywood calls her, "Ugly Pippi") tried to strangle me. She felt my original performance in the big-budget Hollywood film of 1988 was too differeant an interpretation from her "original" work--and she was none too pleased. What a hot-headed brute she was! She tried to gain entry to my pied-a-tarpit by representing herself as an Ikea deliverperson but I knew who she was! "Ugly Pippi!", I told her, "You will not enter my abode! I send you out!"

She still stalks me. It's frightening.

And so's her face.

Seriously guys - OP is obviously a Cheetoe eating troll living in his mother's basement watching his old VHS of Pipilongstockings while crusting up his mother's Fieldcrest towels.

Do you all really believe the beautiful and sought after Tami Erin would have the time or inclination to post free advice on a gay and lesbian forum. She could make millions from her advice why would she give it away for free?

The naivety around here is mind boggling.

[quote]Do you all really believe the beautiful and sought after Tami Erin would have the time or inclination to post free advice on a gay and lesbian forum. She could make millions from her advice why would she give it away for free?

r12, I thought you were new here until I got to this. Excellent, layered, and thoroughly (but sometimes subtly)hilarious parody of a post.

SEE! R12 is UGLY PIPPI!

Call the police! She's stalking me in here, too! How do I get out???

Tami, just checked out your website and all I can say is wow. I had no idea you were an actress, model, designer AND humanitarian. You really can do it all! Someday you'll be just like Chita and Barbra and have your own Oscar, Emmy, Grammy and Tony.

Miss Erwin, as I said, I had no idea who you are. No doubt, with that positive vibe, I would imagine you to be in some social services type job. Certainly, I don't see you setting an example of poor morals stripping and making amoral movies.

I was very curious to see if you were related to the famed late Steve Erwin, of "The Crocodile Hunter" fame.How brave and robust he was. His little Bindi is such a light in my life.

Oh, sweet R16. All is forgiven, and, you ARE right. I DO work in social services. Here's a picture of me doing charitable work at Charlotte Russe, where I help women dress for success!

And, don't forget, my favorite fan at R15, I can aalso TUMBLE in eighteen languages!

Tammy, I am a huge fan. I've seen your Pippy like a hundred times. I love it, it's hot!

I can't wait for your book. Will it be pop-up or pictures? I hope it's pop-up, I find them easier to read. I love pop-up gossip. It's hot!

Did you get someone to write it for you? That's what I did with my book. I have no idea about anything in it. I just know it sold like a kagillion copies. People tell me it's hot!

Anyway, gotta go. It's Valtrex time. Kisses.

Oh, Tami, Tami, Tami! You may be a Trivial Pursuit question but nothing, NOTHING that you do could ever be considered trivial!

Hi Tami! What was it like for you to win the part of "Pippi Laughingstock" over so many other actresses? Can you verify that it was actually banned in three countries when it first came out? How edgy!!

As Roger Daltrey once put it so succintly, who the fuck are you?

You must admit she has a nice body!

How much to finger bang you?

Tami, which coven do you belong to in Hollywood? Stregheria or Feri?

Whaddya bet D-Listed "discovers" Tami Erin real soon?

They ought to, she is MUCH more awesome than Phoebe Price.

Well, hello!

Tami, call me. We need to do RED CARPET MADNESS together.

TAMI! I discovered you last night while watching the Showtime documentary about kids wanting to make it in show biz called HOLLYWOOD COMPLEX . There YOU were.. selling your talent and Pippi DVD's at the meet 'n greet at the HOLLYWOOD COMPLEX... on Showtime.

LOL to this entire thread.

THIS is how you do it, Datalounge.

For my fans who love me in eighteen languages, here's a much-sought after, highly collectible snapshot of me attending Eva Longoria's Power Players luncheon. At this major Hollywood event, I played a critical role, delivering edible items to the other power players in the room anad ensuring they had the proper silverware and mixed drinks. POWER!!!!

Ahhhh, Hollywood. . .and my life as a STAR!

Oh, my! So many responses, so little free-time. If I miss anyone's post, I do apologize; when one has as many high-profile projects as I do, it's easy to miss some details. (I am meeting with a producer later today to read for a dramatic role. Practicing my line all day: "Ow!" I'm hoping to portray a tragic character named. . .what's this?. . .Fybro. . .Fiber. . .My. . .Algea Sufferer #2. Wish me luck! Although, being a pro, I don't really need it!)

Anyway, Paris, my book will be available in hardbound cover only, with e-book editions to follow. So, no pop-up coming--YET! But an adapatation is surely in the works. However, we do have LOTS of illustrations planned. Tom Bianchi is taking the pictures; it's a change of pace for him in many ways. He says I'm his new soulmate. He's such a dear. . .But so clingy!

Ellen, I don't know how much SAG and AFTRA charge for a finger-banging. Will I be reciting dialogue? (I think that's extra.) If not, could I? Maybe a, "Oooh, ohh! Longstocking like!" or a "Pippy's gettin' all moist down there"?

Roger Daltry! Oh, I love you! "Whooooooo am I? Oo-oo! Oo-oo!" I'm Tami Erin, of course! The earwig of Hollywood starlets!

R26! I bet D-Listed finds me, too! Finds me DELICIOUS, that is! As for Phoebe, please be kind. She was one of the 800,000,000 girls who auditioned for the very part which launched me into stardom and made me a household name like Maytag and Sony and Cottonelle!

Brenda Dickson! Oh, my! You're my IDOL! You know how your vagine was so big, you underlined it? Well, my chest is so large, I put a period on it! Pics below!

Off to read for my next big role! OW!!! Hahaha! LOL and XOXO to all my fans! Pippi lives!

Long Live Tami!

You've jumped the shark at R32, but you had a nice run, Tami.

Dear Potential Fan at R34. My deepest apologies. I had no idea Tom was a shark jumper; I have fired him from my employ immediately. He took the news well; he had alkready foubnd a newe soul-0mate: some kid working the pick-up window at In-N-Out Burgers.

I hope you forgive me. That comercial I was up for? That role I had researched and practiced for all day?

Wrong commercial! And wrong role! And oh, what a dissater! I need your love to get my pip-pip-pooray back. The good news was that the comercial was a tribute of sorts to me and my craft (which is lovced interbnationally in eighteen different languages). In it, I would have been about to go on-stage in a packed theater, an eager audience awaiting my arrival on-stage. There I am, in my Pippi wig and patchwork dress, waiting in the wongs, when a stage assistant comes up and says, "Break a leg, Tami!" I the turn to the camera and would have sighed, "There was a time when I used to love that phrase. But then I developed Osteoporsis."

HOW DARE THEY???

Well, let me tell you (in eighteen languages!), I put a bee in that producer's bonnet! (Very easy to do; I got sloshed last night and woke up this morning in a rosebush. Bees everywhere! Good thing, too. Bee-stung lips are tres in-season!) Imagine! ME! Pippi Longstocking and interntional model, designer, and actress having osteoporosis! (True, I had no idea what it was until they explained, "Humpback. Think Ann Romney.")

Needless to say, the search for that perfect starring role continues. Meanwhile, I'm off to do a little shopping.

Just off to grab some milk.

R33, I love that you're a Pipette! But, truly, when you say, "Long live Tami!", it makes me scared.

Do you know something I don't?

Am I dying? Am I not long for this world?

TO: tami.pippi.erin@comcast.net FROM: selma-rubino@selmareps.com SUBJECT: Audition

Tami:

Frustration level high here in office. What went wrong? Casting agent furious with me. Said you insisted on reading another actresses part during audition. You are NOT Blythe Danner and commercial was not about your return to the stage. (Have you ever been in any play since that grade school production of Oliver where you were the UNDERSTUDY for the eighth orphan from the left?) You were to read the part of the stage assistant and say, "Blythe, break a leg!"

Really, Tami. I'm getting very frustrated. That home video idea of yours, "Welcome to My Studio Apartment" is begining to sound like a freaking goldmine.

Jesus H. Christ.

Selma

TAMI!

What would you say is the more notable achievement in your august career transcending now four (FOUR!) decades? Starring as the covermodel of the Santa Monica Pennysaver or throwing ice cream at Eileen Brennan as if you were unloading a big money shot right onto her self-righteous face?

Tami, it's me R33, your número uno Pipette. Of course I want you and your career to live on in showbiz history. Tam, any chance you'll be working on any projects with some of the other childhood showbiz greats like Lindsey Lohan?

I don't care who you are, I just love you.

Here I am! And, at just $24.95 for a five minute consultation, I'm ready to make your Hollywood dreams come as true as possible given the current glout of child actors!!!

Tami! Come back to us!

Tami, will you be making a play for Tom Cruise now that he's available?

"Tami, will you be making a play for Tom Cruise now that he's available?"

No, because I'm an ACTRESS, not a WRITER!

"Tami! Come back to us!"

Oh, my fan! I never left!

Well, OKAY, I DID leave. Temporarily. I went to visit the Southern metropolis of Bartow, Florida, where I was HONORED to volunteer (ten years running!)for the position of the GRAND MARSHALL of their Gay Pride parade. It looked like I finally had the role of Grand Marshall after years of asking for the opportunity. . .but then the Assistant Store Manager for the local TJ Maxx became available. Oh, well--there's always NEXT year! I'm already writing my appeal now so that the committee (two lesbians and a deaf gay guy) will know I'm available and ready to hop a plane to be the STAR of their parade, "Tami Erin and a Half Dozen Queens!"

Bartow, Florida will love me in eighteen languages!

Tami, given your extensible grasping of the human condition having lived on four continents and speaking 18 languages, can you provide some insight into the Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise situation? And is it true that you were also prepositioned to be a potential Mrs. Tom Cruise? Do you have any insights?

My Google Alert directed me here, and I have to ask if there is a potential role, job opportunity, anyone want to buy an autograph? IF that has been Blair Warner can get a comeback, what ABOUT ME!!! I wonder if I should become a Scientologist, or a Mormom??

Jesus Fucking Christ she's a pain in the ass.

Is that my kid?

Hello, Raped Fan at R46.

I'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. Now, as for what's happened to ME. . .

I am busy at work on my proposed "Tami Erin and a Half Dozen Queens: A Gay Fantasia Spectacular!" to have called Tom or Katie lately. I can't really say what went wrong in that household, although Tom did always seem more of a scientist than Katie, who would just mouth some single syllable word at me whenever Tom wasn't looking. I used to think it was "HELL-OOOOO" but a.) what a strange thing to mouth at someone who's RIGHT THERE and b.) that has TWO syllables so I never really figured it out.

Anyway, back to my Gay Fantasia Extra-Special Spectacular" for Bartow, Florida's gay price thing. I hope you plan on coming to see it! It will use ALL my many talents!

***CONFIDENTIAL MEMO TO ERIN MORAN***

Fuck you, Moran. I know what you did.

Listen peepee, I'm not here to fight with you, I gots my own problems. I'm just trying to get out of this trailer and live a little better. You'd think I'd be on easy street, but no. Nothing has worked out.I'm even trying to get some moola from my face being used on the Happy Days slots! You know how bad it is when you head to the casino to play the nickel slots to forget your troubles and you see your own face? And realize you had to take a public bus (reduced fare) to get there!!!

Tumblebump x 18!

Hi Tami I just saw the documentary "the Hollywood Complex" in which you are in halfway through.

Now i work at Sony here in Europe (Scandinavia) and i also recognize you from the pippi show. I must say you have grown up quite nice.

I am coming to US in november to do some casting for some movies and music videos and to span out our headshot portfolio. Is there any chance of getting in touch ?

my email is: telefabster@gmail.com (private mail)

Best regards Fabian Petersen Producer & composer

I've been a fan since having the good fortune of meeting you on Sunset while you were pimping Hollywood maps. How did it go at the DMV...I know you want to drive one of those annoying tour buses.

Can someone kindly explain to me why is this person reviled on the DL?

Is it just outright meanness or has she in some way offended the DL community.

I honestly can't see why people would kick her even though she hasn't had such a stellar career?

Help me out on this one, please.

R56, watch The Hollywood Complex. She's hateful.

I saw that Pippi Longstocking movie in the theater as a kid and was bored out of my mind.

Miss Erwin, I assume you to be so busy dealing with all of the animals and such. Any news on your niece Bindy? We haven't heard much about her here in the States. I do so worry about your family. Not you of course, you seem to overcome everything!

I am still waiting for some decent advice. That lesbian Blair Warner is now on Survivor and I can't get a call-back for anything. I need something, maybe a supporting role on a good comedy. Help me Tami!

Why does everyone here not like Tami Erin?

Tami, so glad you're back!

Because the reality isn't too far off from this parody, R61.

When are you appearing at the nearest Indian casino, Miss Erin?

Tami Erin = The Poor Man's Inger Nillson

If anyone deserves a reality show, its the movie star Tami Erin

Tami, are you familiar with the work of Miss Belle Poitrine?

OMG... I just want to share with all you lovelies here on DL. I AM BACK! I have a new movie coming out. Granted it's a sex tape and I don't know what it's going to be called yet... But just look for the details on TMZ. I am going to be a star again! Exciting!

I can't believe humble DL was once graced with the presence of Miss Tami Erin! I loved her as Pippi Longstockings!

Tami, what are your thoughts on our cosmopolitan and elegant new first lady, who is FLUENT (not just loved) in SEVEN languages?

Tami, you're lucky I was doing a TV movie for Disney playing a Jewish girl in late 1930s Germany, or that part would have been mine. Text me if you want a VIP pass to my band's next show at a coffee house in Altadena, California.

Whatever could Tami Erin be up to -- or up IN -- these days?

who is this narcissistic fug???

go away lady

dis aint da place fer u

Still a stah, bitch!