Let''s pretend we''re an episode of Murder, she Wrote

And Richard Beymer as the bitchy restaurant critic.

Who gets the girlfriend role? I vote for plucky "Head of the Class" ensemble player and current nonentity Khrystyne Haje.

I can pay for the last couple of dental appointments!

The World Trade Center in the background of two shots haunts the viewers of reruns of the episode from 2002 through 2010, and then they don't notice it any more.

I'm Virginia O'Brien, former MGM co-star of Miss Lansbury, coaxed out of retirement to play a deceptively sweet librarian. I attempt a Downeast Maine accent with atrocious results.

I'd rather pretend we were an episode of The X-Files.

Then you'd be boring, r6.

I am Dennis Stanton, a former jewel thief, now an investigator for a San Francisco insurance company. I was a pinch hitter when Angela couldn't be bothered to phone in her weekly performance.

I'm the surprise twist, revealed in the second part of the two-part episode, where Grady reveals to Aunt Jess that he's gay, and the girlfriend ia actually his husband, Simon.

Billy Campbwll guests as Simon.

I'm Kay Lenz as Nurse Jenny Wells. (Filling small cups with pills)

"He didn't suffer, it was quite peaceful really... but he did say something that didn't make sense at the time. It was um... pork roll!. Yeah that was it, pork roll. Isn't that peculiar?"

I'm Barbara Babcock, the red (headed) herring daughter of the heir, who was asking about how to cut brake fluid wires on the victims car, just out of curiosity, in a posh British accent, with pasty white skin.

I'm Genie Francis, playing the coked up soap actress with a yoyo weight problem, with teeth the size of clothes pegs.

I'm Leann Hunley, playing the same role I always play, in a beautiful white silk blouse and suit, sans bra.

I"m Harry McGraw...ready and willing to put a hurtin' on Jessica Fletcher's snatch.

I%E2%80%99m Eve Simpson, and I%E2%80%99m a sexy, vivacious, 65 year-old hottie. All the men in this backwater town fantasize about me because I am simply too wonderful. They know they%E2%80%99ll never find anyone as good in the sack as I am. Well, I gotta run because I%E2%80%99m late for my weekly roller set at Loretta%E2%80%99s Beauty Parlor. Goodness, my nails also need a fresh coat of red lacquer. OP, stop stirring the mud.

I'm the Accountant who's fiddling the books!

I'm Dr. Seth Hazlett, who trysts with Amos Tupper in Room 6 at Hill House every night before my constitutional.

I am the country themed sweaters Jessica wore whenever she putzed around her house in Cabot Cove.

I'm Brian Kerwin, playing the eager deputy.

I am Jessica's 3-speed bycycle. Moments after she waved to her neighbours, I crashed into an old telegraph pole. I am damaged beyond repair.

I am Jessica's Royal typewriter, tucked into a box at the church jumble sale.

I am the Murder, She Wrote book cover.

Ding Dong

"Who is it?"

"It's Jessica Fletcher."

"Don't let her in! Every time she shows up, somebody DIES!!"

I will be Jessica's big '80's glasses.

Helen Lawson guest stars as Letitzia Lyonard, Jessica Fletcher's old sorority sister who is now a famous (and controversial) gossip columnist.

I'm world-renowned Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal.

My most personal investigation has brought me to Cabot Cove, where I hope to finally capture "die H%C3%BCndin von Dachau," Chef Oberaufseherin Jessika Fulcher.

An anonymous informant contacted my foundation 2 weeks ago and assured me that Herr Fulcher has been hiding in plain sight, making her living as a popular crime fiction writer. Should this tip prove to be true, one of the most notorious war criminals of all time will finally be brought to justice.

I'm the typewriter caressed by Angela Lansbury's old, fingerprint-less fingers.

I am sheepish, deferential housewife Nell Gibbons, played by Carrie Snodgress. My fisherman husband cheats on me openly with Lucy Croftwell, the young manicurist at the beauty parlor. When he's found dead, bludgeoned by a frying pan, Amos Tupper throws me in the slammer. Luckily my old English teacher, Jessica Fletcher, deduces that my husband was also having an affair with a vixen from Boston, who killed him in a drunken rage after too many Cape Codders at the Joshua Peabody Inn.

BUMP!

I'm Jessica's very best friend, back in town for a visit. Yes, it is odd that in eight years of this series you've never heard my name mentioned even once but, really, I AM Jessica's best and oldest friend!

I am yet another of Jessica Fletcher's nephews or nieces.

Yet another of the hundreds of never before mentioned young relatives who'll turn up in aunt Jessica's murder filled life.

Could Jessica's flesh and blood be a KILLAH?

Don't think so.

World-renowned Nazi hunter Simon Wiesenthal is my hero.

I'm one of Jessica's frumpy dresses from Season 1, given away to the Cabot Cove Goodwill when Angela Lansbury insisted on glamming up her look

I'm the bicycle seat from the opening credits thinking "Damn, her pussy stank!"

I'm the stock footage of the quizzical look on Angela's face.

I am the Murder of the Maine accent by all but a wee minority of actors on this and every other TV show and movie ever set in the rocky State of Maine.

I'm Frank's pipe. My beloved Jess gave me to a passing vagrant who was later murdered by his daughter. I languished in unclaimed evidence box for a few years before Amos Tupper took me with him when he retired.

I miss living at Jessica's - so much drama.

J am the dancing corpse, the title caracter of J.B. Fletcher's first book, "The Corpse Danced at Midnight,"

I'm the local undertaker of Cabot Cove. Business is booming. I've just opened my 10th mortuary.

I'm the pathetic wannabe author writing a spec script for a "Murder, She Wrote" reunion movie. 92 year old Jess, who everyone she encounters greets her with, "Jess, you look wonderful!" stumbles upon the retired sheriff Amos Tupper and Dr. Seth Hazlett in bed together, but both dead.

I'm the Titanic VHS tape mysteriously paused in the player at where the old couple are in their bed about to drown. See, Amos and Seth died in their sleep. It was the most beautiful death ever. They even held hands. It was so romantic. (sniff)

I'm the stunning later novel.. "The Corpse swam by moonlight". Jess knocked out about 4 books a year.. were any based off her real life experiences?

I'm the random townsperson giving Jessica the side-eye and wondering if I'm the next one to die.

I'm the cross-stitched samplers decorating the walls of every room in Jessica's cozy little cottage. Who stitched me? Surely JB didn't have the time, between writing and sleuthing.

Jessica's house barely changed at all in 12 years. She never let success go to her head but she did start locking her door!

I'm the Maine accent Lansbury attempts half-heartedly in the two-part pilot before giving up altogether.

I'm the unflattering high-waisted jeans worn by Lansbury.

I'm the closeup of something -- an earring, a cigarette lighter, a notepad -- in the first act that will be significant in the mystery in the fourth act.

I'm the later seasons in which Jessica suddenly becomes best friends with disadvantaged, ethnic inner city youths. Though often accused of murder, Jessica is sure they're never guilty.

I'm Jessica and Frank's inordinately fertile siblings who have provided her with a seemingly endless number of nieces and nephews all across the country.

I'm the overdone, mouth gaping fake laugh that Angie often does for finale freeze frames.

I'm the annual Ireland episodes in the later seasons -- and their accompanying jaunty, fiddle-heavy score.

I'm Angie's cue cards.

I'm the obligatory character telling Jessica they love her books

I'm Ahmed, the Indian doorman in her NYC apartment.

I'm the former students who all seem to be unusually close with a former English teacher.

I'm Jessica's sensible thermal knickers. Dr Hazlitt is NOT getting into me!

I'm the Universal backlot doubling for Maine, New York, Hong Kong, Paris, and Mexico City.

I'm Heidi Bohay and I'm president of the Cabot Cove Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

I'm the Pyrex dish fat Seth came to borrow. When he ate that poisoned apple left bby Eudora Mcveigh he dropped me on the floor!

I'm "Dear World", the real theme for "Murder She Wrote", edited out when it sounded like Jessica was indeed the killer, threatening "to cut out the growth".

I'm writer Barbara Thorndyke (not an author, Malamud is an author! LOL!) visiting Cabot Cove and running into that hack genre fiction 'writer', JB Fletcher. I'm not in any episodes but I should be, I mean surely Cabot Cove has a country club with exclusionary policies that serves a terrific brunch!

I'm Julie Adams, showing Angela some videos from the soap opera I was contracted to, convincing her to hire Constance Towers and Marj Dusay as guest stars.

I'm the photocopier at the 24 hour gas station out on the freeway that Eudora takes Jessica's manuscript to while Jessica is unconscious from sleeping pills!

I'm the boob tube Jess wore when she went out whorin' for evidence.

I'm Patty Duke waiting for my phone to ring about a guest spot on this friggin show, my ex-husband has been used multiple times and they seem to use Carrie Frickin Snodgrass every other week (btw, if she's in the episode, she's the murderer, take it to the bank!) , I was made for a schlock heap show like this, yet, crickets? Surely Angela Lansbury wouldn't be the type to hold a grudge? Especially for something that happened so long ago. Especially against a woman who was just a child at the time--a child who was dry-humped by her elderly guardians in a motel room while recovering from a terrible sunburn...

Patty you were fine in The Miracle Worker but Angela was mesmerising in The Manchurian Candidate.

I'm Jessica solving crimes remotely due to the virus.

I'm the 3rd shift production manager at the Cabot Cove Casket Factory screeching to the workers "Let's get it together, people!" and I haven't had a day off since that bitch Jessica started "solving crimes."

I’m that certain something that just doesn’t add up.