When I was a kid, my jerk older brother told me to jack off with Tiger Balm, and that it was "so awesome". The first stroke was fine, but I thought my dick was going to burn off after the second stroke. I tried to get it off with a towel and it got worse. I jumped into the shower and when the water hit it, it got even more painful. I was screaming and freaking out, so when my mom ran in I was in too much pain to be embarrassed. Some of it got up inside my urethra, because, of course, my brother told me to put a whole bunch on me. I had to lay there in burning pain while my mom inspected my penis. (horrible) Then she thought we should go to the ER where the Dr had flush it out or something. I remember him looking into the hole and using a q-tip and also a little tiny hose thing with water. I had to ice my balls too. Now I don't use anything but fragrance free lube. My dick hurts just thinking about it.
Your most painful or embarrassing masturbation experience -
|by Anonymous||reply 91||12/08/2014|
This deserves an up.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||03/29/2011|
The day after I discovered I could wank (& come) I was busted rubbing one out by my grandmother. She didn't say anything but glared so hard I thought she wanted to kill me.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||03/29/2011|
I don't think I've ever heard a worse story than the OPs. He wins.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||03/30/2011|
I grew up in a college town. One summer these two hot college studs rented out a garage a few blocks away. They seemed to be outside all summer washing their car, totally shirtless. They had amazing upper bodies and obviously enjoyed showing them off. I used to ride my bike past their garage just to get a look a them. One time I was so horned up, I started jerking myself off through my shorts, while on the bike. As I exploded, I lost control of the bike, which went up a curb and I crashed into a white picket fence.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||03/30/2011|
One time a cat meowed when I was masturbating. I've never gotten over it.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||03/30/2011|
I really don't know, r13. I had a couple of scrapes. I was so embarrassed, all I remember is getting back on my bike and riding away and hoping to sneak in the house before my mom saw the scrapes and wet spot on my shorts. Of course, as a 16-year-old who only thought with his dick, that little incident didn't stop me from endlessly riding past the garage the rest of the summer. They always seemed to be out there.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||03/30/2011|
With the white picket fence and all, R11, that would make a great Norman Rockwell picture.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||03/30/2011|
Be lucky you had your mom, OP and not R9's grandmother. She would have let your dick fall off.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||03/30/2011|
I was housesitting for the 4th time or so at this secluded home for a co-workers parents. I decided to masturbate naked in the family room with the TV on and the dog sitting there. I did this a couple evenings in a row in a couple of different ways. %0D %0D I found out later that they had installed cameras throughout the house a few months prior to my visit as they had had a robbery. No one told me though.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||03/30/2011|
R17, you win.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||03/30/2011|
[quote]One time a cat meowed when I was masturbating. I've never gotten over it. My cats do more than meow when I'm masturbating, they usually hop up on the bed with me and request that I pet them! I've had to teach them what "Mommy's busy" means.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||03/30/2011|
Oh, R19, seriously. You need to get laid, honey.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||03/30/2011|
I'm surprised there haven't been any posts involving masturbation with food yet.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||03/30/2011|
Reminds me of one of the best threads ever on DL. Yes, the guy who took cell phone video of himself masturbating, then accidentally sent it to everyone in his contact list. (it was a new phone and he somehow hit "send all" or something.)
At first I believed it, because getting a new phone can be tricky. I felt horrible for the guy. But as it went on, the scenario got more and more over the top (and hilarious).
He was so embarrassed because everyone saw his "O face" ..Didn't his Father throw up and his mother faint? Then he got fired from his job because his boss and all his workmates saw it. He planned on moving out of the state? Pure hilarity. Even when we knew it wasn't true, he made it so funny, we didn't care.
A thread like that is why archives would have been nice.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||03/30/2011|
This isn't exactly a masturbation story but it's almost as painful as OPs.
This happened in the 70s, I was house sitting with a younger female cousin while her parents were away. I'm a guy btw. We're both gay.
I was downstairs watching TV, my cousin went upstairs to the bathroom.
Within five minutes I hear a blood curdling scream. She had added some lotion to make her tampon insertion easier, but she inadvertently grabbed a product called Dermassage, which IIRC was used at hospitals.
This type had menthol. I don't think it's such a great idea to add menthol to your genital area!
She came downstairs, still in pain. She told me what had happened and that she pulled out the tampon, but didn't know what to do. "My crotch is on fire and not in a good way!"
I didn't know what the hell to tell her. "How about douching?" I suggested.
Since she could barely walk, guess who had to go to the drugstore? Me! I bought the mildest douche I could find.
She then ran upstairs, it slightly relieved the menthol 'pain', but basically it had to run it's course.
I suggested that we should go to the local hospital, which was only a few blocks away, she said she was too embarrassed, she didn't want to tell anyone in the ER that she put Dermassage up her crotch!
|by Anonymous||reply 23||03/30/2011|
Lotion wouldn't have been any better, R23, unless she was deliberately trying to achieve a nasty yeast infection.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||03/30/2011|
Not sure why she needed to add anything to the tampon applicator. I recall her mentioning tampons came in different sizes, perhaps she was using the Super size and it hurt?
I would assume, without any sort of lubrication, you just can't shove dry things up a vagina?
|by Anonymous||reply 25||03/30/2011|
Sounds like she was yanking your chain R23. No one needs lube to insert a tampon. They're no bigger than a your pinky finger.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||03/30/2011|
I got that beat OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||03/30/2011|
A recent e.d. treatment my urologist recommended, an injection. It took affect right away. He told me to jack it off and it would go away. It didn't. After another 4 orgasms, I was still painfully hard. I had that now well known 4 hour panic and had to go to his office, dressed like a flasher to hide the huge tent in my pants, where he gave me sudefedrin and after two doses and an icepack, I finally went semi-limp. I never thought an erection could be painful. But it can be.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||03/30/2011|
No, no R26. A vagina can get dry (if you've just removed a tampon maybe), which makes applying another horrible. So you can wait awhile, or maybe use some KY if you are inclined, but lotion is obviously not really the way to go. But I'd totally expect a kid to try that.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||03/31/2011|
I own this thread.
When I was a teenager I was staying with a German family, and one night, horny as Hell, I went into the bathroom to handle my business. Well, I started looking for hand lotion or some likely lube, and all I could find was a tube full of some cream that was, as best as I could puzzle out with my very limited German, for "soothing relief." Good enough.
Well, about 90 seconds after I liberally slathered it over my private parts I had the most intense burning sensation I've ever felt.I wanted to scream. I bet I took 4 showers in 2 hours. It lasted for hours and my dick was red and tender for days.
Turns out it was a cream made from whatever bees sting you with, and is a popular natural alternative to BenGay over there.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||03/31/2011|
Why the fuck did it never occur to you people to just use a big gob of spit in your fucking hand when you needed to jerk off?
It's STILL how I do it, and I have never had any of these retarded embarrassments. Y'all were idiots.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||03/31/2011|
R31, why do you think a thread about embarrassing masturbation stories would be filled with posts from rocket scientists?
|by Anonymous||reply 32||03/31/2011|
Well r31, I suffer from acute dry mouth with several missing fingers and your modus operandi would have me coughing like a cat hacking up a fur ball with spit splattering all over the wall. Besides, using spit makes your dick stink and prevents one from accepting a bj until one has showered.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||03/31/2011|
[quote]Besides, using spit makes your dick stink and prevents one from accepting a bj until one has showered.
Ewwwww! Have you considered brushing your tongue once in a while?
Btw, wouldn't lotion cause the same "stinky dick that nobody wants to lick"?
|by Anonymous||reply 34||04/01/2011|
R31 - Drools.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||04/01/2011|
Not true r26. My tampons are a lot bigger than my pinky, albeit I have very small hands. She may have been using one bigger than was needed or when it just started (may go from low to heavy fast). I've never put anything down there, so I've used lubricants before.
I can't say I have any embarrassing masturbation stories, thank goodness.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||04/01/2011|
No one had vaseline?!
|by Anonymous||reply 37||04/01/2011|
[quote]I'm surprised there haven't been any posts involving masturbation with food yet.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||04/01/2011|
R17, what did the dog think about that?
|by Anonymous||reply 39||04/01/2011|
No stories of my own, but a friend of mine jerked off into a hot pocket once. He claimed his dad caught him, mumbled something about a waste of good food, and walked away.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||04/01/2011|
Major EST at R40. Everybody knows that Hot Pockets are not good food.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||04/01/2011|
I got in trouble for masturbating during nap time in pre-school. They made my dad come and talk to me.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||04/01/2011|
He was a French Bulldog so he retreated into the other room.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||04/01/2011|
"Sounds like she was yanking your chain [R23]. No one needs lube to insert a tampon. They're no bigger than a your pinky finger."
No my cousin and I were very close growing up, we also had a special bond because we're both gay.
As others here have mentioned, tampons come in different sizes, they can go from Junior to Extra Super. The plastic applicators on the super size are actually quite large.
I would also think that inserting a tampon with a cardboard applicator can also be very dry! Thus, the lotion or some type of lube.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||04/01/2011|
A bit off topic but still thread appropriate:
One time I was at the pet store with my friend and one dog was basically giving a blowjob to another dog. We thought it was hilarious.
Just imagine coming in there and and having a cute dog come out of it's cage to pet it only to realize that there's a huge load of cum on it's face.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||04/01/2011|
Back in the old days, children, tampons did come with cardboard "applicator" tube things (so you wouldn't have to touch your nasty lady-parts, apparently). Inserting one was a rather complicated maneuver requiring 2 hands and a pull-string, although if you were dexterous you could do it one-handed. Most girls my age were not as squeamish as their mothers and just threw away the applicator and shoved the tampon up there. OW.%0D %0D Yes, you often needed lubrication because those things were SUPPOSED to attract and retain fluids! Lube of choice was usually Vaseline or Jergens. I can't believe we didn't have yeast infections all the time.%0D %0D Eventually the applicators became softer smoother plastic, and then they were eventually eliminated. But using those cardboard applicators was like launching a mailing tube right up your twat. No, it wasn't like you'd be tempted to masturbate with it, either.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||04/01/2011|
R43, that joke was simultaneously cheesy and funny.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||04/01/2011|
Does masturbating without any type of lube desensitize your penis over time?
|by Anonymous||reply 48||04/01/2011|
r46, I have cardboard applicator tampons in my bathroom right now. They're cheaper, most of the time I get the smooth type but when they're talking 80 for 5 bucks, I'll take the abuse to save a buck lol
Anywho. I'm highly disturbed by the pet shop blow job.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||04/01/2011|
[quote]I'm highly disturbed by the pet shop blow job%0D %0D %0D Then you've never owned a male dog, R49.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||04/01/2011|
How did this thread get hijacked by R23. Has NOTHING to do with masturbation, and now the thread is full of tampon information and advice. Start a tampon thread already.
|by Anonymous||reply 51||04/01/2011|
Hasn't happened to me r48.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||04/01/2011|
the most painful was the time with that crowbar
|by Anonymous||reply 53||04/01/2011|
R52. Same here. I'm uncut too, and love it. What's all this nonsense about having to search for lube and using whatever someone finds? If these poor boys had a foreskin, they wouldn't need lube. A silky smooth foreskin is all that's required for a hot jack off session.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||04/01/2011|
My friend Monte jacked off with a tomato once. I'm kind of bummed--that's the only anecdote I can contribute.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||04/01/2011|
I'd love to see R11's story filmed for a movie. I saw the entire thing in my mind as I was reading it, including the white picket fence.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||04/01/2011|
Re: Just use spit.%0D %0D I do that 99% of the time and it almost is never a problem. Except one time I'd eaten Jerk Chicken for dinner and did not immediately brush my teeth. I was jerking off a half hour or so later w/ spit and my dick started burning slightly...
|by Anonymous||reply 57||04/01/2011|
What a great thread.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||04/01/2011|
I want to see a picture of R2. Would you please post one, R2, preferably parked in front of your favorite meal? I'm curious to see how today's overweight Pentecostals wear their hair to keep the food out of it. Thanks!
|by Anonymous||reply 59||04/01/2011|
If you are cut does masturbating without any kind of lube desensitize your penis? That's what I should have asked.
|by Anonymous||reply 60||04/01/2011|
College..... I used laundry detergent as lube (I think it was "Solo"....remember that?)
It did not burn, but two days later I had a HUGE pussing sore on the shaft of my dick...
|by Anonymous||reply 62||04/01/2011|
R61. Same with me. I'm uncut and don't use lube to masturbate. And I don't like lube either. I would never even think to use it. Jesus, that's stuff is an awful mess on your dick when you just trying to have some fun.
|by Anonymous||reply 63||04/01/2011|
I'm cut and never use lube. Never had a problem...
|by Anonymous||reply 64||04/01/2011|
It almost hurts to read some of these.
|by Anonymous||reply 65||04/05/2011|
Didn't use lube, and ended up scraping my penis till it bleed. Had to refrain from touching my penis for a week.
|by Anonymous||reply 66||04/05/2011|
am I the only person that doesn't use any lube or moisterizer when they jerk off? a few tissues and Im good
|by Anonymous||reply 67||04/05/2011|
Cute kid. Actually better looking as a boy.
|by Anonymous||reply 70||04/14/2011|
OP, what would have hurt me worse than that crappy balm your older brother recommended was his fucking iwth you like that.%0D %0D To me, older brothers are supposed to be David Bradford on Eight is Enough.%0D %0D Someone taller and hunky who has his own apartment that you could go over to and hang out when stuff at home gets to be too much.%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 71||04/14/2011|
RE: With the white picket fence and all, [R11], that would make a great Norman Rockwell picture.%0D %0D LOL TY!
|by Anonymous||reply 72||04/14/2011|
I'm cut and have never used lube, and haven't noticed any loss of sensitivity over the decades. I have no idea what people are talking about when they say you need lube or spit.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||04/14/2011|
Same here, R73.%0D %0D
|by Anonymous||reply 74||04/14/2011|
Oh shit, that was supposed to go in the thread about warren beatty's son getting a sex change.
|by Anonymous||reply 75||04/14/2011|
[quote]To me, older brothers are supposed to be David Bradford on Eight is Enough.%0D %0D %0D Pssst R71, that show was only someone's fantasy about a family that would never exist in real life. Older bothers live to torture their younger siblings. It's the law.
|by Anonymous||reply 76||04/15/2011|
i once used a bar of soap with a hole in it an felt good the whole time but the next day i had a huge blood blister on my dick couldnt touch it for a week
|by Anonymous||reply 77||03/31/2013|
Use Mustard next time ._.
|by Anonymous||reply 78||07/09/2013|
bump for OP's epic embarrassment
|by Anonymous||reply 79||11/27/2014|
Are you still friends with your brother, OP?
You have a good mother.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||11/28/2014|
Typical DL - A promising thread devolves into a flame war about fucking tampons and lube...
|by Anonymous||reply 81||11/28/2014|
just a tiny amount of gun oil is perfect, cut or uncut
|by Anonymous||reply 82||11/28/2014|
Not me(I swear!), but a guy I knew in the service jacked off for an entire 3 day weekend. He used plenty of K-Y jelly, but even more copious amounts of weed. All the skin on his cock sloughed off. He was, shall we say, "incapacitated" for a few months. Had to be hospitalized, and dermatologists and plastic surgery types work on him judiciously. The story made the rounds of the hospital, strangely enough he was not embarrassed to talk about it. Military medics are a strange breed.
|by Anonymous||reply 83||11/28/2014|
Funny and sexy-hot masturbation story told by soldier.
|by Anonymous||reply 84||11/29/2014|
Had a hair trigger dick at 13, and an erection that always projected beyond belt line aiming upwards 23 hours per day. So, I leaned over to hug mom goodbye after shower on way out that evening and accidentally shot huge load on her forehead, cheek and edge of mouth. True story. All I could offer in my shock was a feeble 'Sorry, Mom'. Without skipping a beat, she wiped off most of it with her cocktail napkin and said, "Be careful where you aim that thing, sweetheart."
|by Anonymous||reply 85||11/29/2014|
A work friend was telling me that he is a high velocity shooter. One day he was fucking his girlfriend on the couch and he pulled out and shot a Christmas card off the mantle. Girlfriend was impressed. Another time he was jacking off and after he shot he couldn't find his stream, he probably didn't make much of an effort. Anyway his girlfriend comes home from work and he hears "oh you poor dog". Their goofy shepherd pup had a 5 inch string of cum across it's forehead.
Needless to say I declined their invitation to watch the Superbowl, I told him I didn't want to stick to his decor. He laughed."
|by Anonymous||reply 86||11/29/2014|
Some of these are really funny.
|by Anonymous||reply 87||12/05/2014|
|by Anonymous||reply 88||12/05/2014|
|by Anonymous||reply 89||12/08/2014|
r85, that was unsettling to read.
|by Anonymous||reply 90||12/08/2014|
R85, you need a few more details to even make that one believable. Hugging your mum?
|by Anonymous||reply 91||12/08/2014|